Guys, Wonkette’s Los Angeles-based Editrix is probably still asleep at this early hour, so we’ll just take this opportunity to discuss a story that may produce some mixed emotions for her. We mean, on the one hand, who doesn’t love hundreds of words in the paper of record about Old Handsome Joe Biden all getting into your personal space and laying his gentle, friendly hands on you? But on the other, with California in the bag for Obama, chances are very slim that our Editrix will experience a campaign moment like this: “Outside the Airport Diner here on Saturday, Mr. Biden shook Samantha Mullin’s hand while stroking her left forearm. He placed a hand on one shoulder. He put his other hand on her other shoulder. As he looked into her eyes, he touched her cheek.” Yowza! HOTTT!
So, yes, the New York Times has a whole article about Joe Biden just stone cold hugging ladies and makin’ ’em swoon on the campaign trail in New Hampshire. Too bad Hail to the Slash is only for same-sex presidential erotica, or else prose like this would beat out any of the fictional entries:
Mr. Biden is a touch person, draping arms around people’s shoulders to pose for a picture and then keeping them draped while continuing to chat. At a high school in New Hampshire on Friday, he fielded a question from a history teacher, Kayleigh Durkin, 26, by extending a hand to draw her into the center of a circle of students with him. While he spoke, he continued to hold her hand, as though they were a high school couple going steady.
Did it feel awkward? “No, I was so excited,” Ms. Durkin said later. “I love him.”
Later, another lady says that her close encounter with the Vice President was “out of my comfort zone but not uncomfortable,” which is pretty much a sentence you expect to read in a paragraph that begins “Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought this would happen to me…”
At another New Hampshire campaign stop, Biden extolled the virtue of college cheerleaders … as athletes, you guys. “They’re almost all gymnasts. The stuff they do on hardwood, it absolutely blows my mind, thinking, you know, they’re up there without a net. You know?” WE KNOW, JOE. [NYT/ABC]
{ 258 comments }
"out of my comfort zone but not uncomfortable"
As a shy person, I feel this way a lot.
I balance you out. If I have a mixed drink, I start hugging everyone in sight.
Buy you a drink?
(You scamp!)
The sun isn't yet over the yardarm. After that, we can talk.
Yea, sorry about the yardarm. I'm a bit excitable today.
This just in: Science Invents Portable Yardarms!
"If I have a mixed drink, I start hugging everyone in sight."
I think you may be drinking Love Potion # 9.
I'm not hearing a no…?
I am one of the world's great huggers, so look out there, my friend!
Okay, it's a deal. When I meet you I will tell Mr. Sulu to lower the shields. Actually, I work overtime to be "outgoing" but then I have to "warren up".
However, one Vodka/Seven and I am good to go. Grin.
Fellow shy person here. But unka Joe? I'd go all googoo eyed.
I have gotten to the point where I hardly ever freak out when people try to hug me.
So you don't start reciting "Who's On First?" any longer?
I USED to be a big hugger, back when guys would hug me on purpose for the "boob smash" of it all – now that I am older and haven't had NEAR enough hugs in the last few months, I am alllllll about some smashing. SO watch out!
I'd smash you like a wrecking ball
Not everything is about you. Read it again, closer.
How many months? I come up with a different count.
49 long long long long days.
Dog the Bounty Hunter is going to be pissed that Joe Biden is all up on his wife.
But ya gotta love ol' Joe. He seems like a really swell guy.
Dog is a special kind of creepy. Can't-look-at-it creepy.
He'll take the white trash she-beast so we don't have to!
That's Dog's wife 200 pounds ago.
Holy shit, this guy is the best.
He's old as dirt and still charmin' the ladies.
Hittin' on the electorate!
Delivering votes, one at a time
With his penis.
I swear, Handsome Joe must move about accompanied by his own, personal, 24/7 soundtrack of Barry White tunes…
Winning the thread right there!
Somehow, he's Clinton without the overt hound dog. It's that smile that seems genuine, but buried in the twinkle of the eye is just the slightest hint of a troublemaker ready and willing to do anything. Well, that and the actual ability to make people think he gives a shit about them.
Now you are describing me. . . .
WITHOUT the hound dog…
See, now I woulda thought that the Barry White was for Barry.
Joe's soundtrack would be more like this (especially in the above picture):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_qHU_6Ofc0
As a speshul bonus, the musicians are led by the non-assy Joe Walsh.
Maybe Mittz has Biden envy?
Mittens is also probably envious that Biden has the confidence to laugh it off when he misspeaks.
It's easier to laugh off harmless mistakes than expressions of your deep and vehement misanthropy.
This^.
This is why the political definition of "gaffe" is to say what you actually mean, when you didn't intend to. Biden literally doesn't do that.
POSSIBLE RESPONSE:
YES/NO
OR WHAT?
GO AWAY
I AM ALSO UNEMPLOYED
CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPE TOO
FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE
Hey man, the Dude a-Biden!
As cool as Jill is, (and she is), she is not above cutting a bitch.
Damn! Too fast for me!
Out banging for votes. Work it Joe, work it.
Obama is to Spock, Biden is to Kirk.
I hope that Biden never rips his shirt in the debate with Ryan.
Jaysus, isn't this the truth. Would that make Paul Ryan a gorn?
I think Mitt is Apollo, angry that nobody wants to worship him.
I'm just glad he's not Khan.
Not enough spray tan.
Well, hmm… Khan's ear-worm bugs would go a long way to explain teatards.
My favorite ep: The Trouble with Teatards
They're eating up all the quadratritcale!
Hell, they don't even belive in quadrotriticale!
"quadrotriticale"
??
What, there was an episode where they all went to the health food store?
I'm picturing a Borg cube with Rmoney toothpaste swooshes on the side. The Enterprise just has the O-logo all over the saucer section.
I bid 2000 quatloos for Biden!
Except in this alt-universe, Spock is in touch enough with his human side to swag like a gangsta. Sort of like if Spock thoughout the series was more like the dude in Star Trek IV and even the recent reboot than the original version. Because Kirk may get the casual green female, but Spock nailing Uhura – that's winning.
"I hope that Biden never rips his shirt in the debate with Ryan."
Killjoy.
I'm going to get one of the secret service dudes to pass Joe a note from me after Socialists Studies class. I hope he checks the "yes" box. (fingers crossed)
Barb, are you impressed by Joe's Trans Am? Powerful.
I just love me some Joe, gaffs and all.
…and that he enjoys The Onion's articles about him makes it all the better.
"…Socialists Studies…" good one!
I love Joe. I'd hold hands with him with no second thoughts, although my mother would probably beat me to it.
Imagine those situations with Romney. Awkward!
More awkward still when he jumps like you just goosed him.
He'd better watch it. Dr. Jill will cut a bitch if needs be.
My nephew is a Biden intern whose sole job is to collect panties off the hustings after campaign stops.
Your nephew could pay his tuition selling those online to Japanese businessmen.
Well, he's not an advance man, so I guess this makes him a posterior aide?
Secretary of the interior.
( stolen from MASH)
And they're going to make a quilt out of them?
You misspelled "hussies".
I need to get my hands on handsome Joe's schedule. I could use a little healing touch right about now.
Joe be STROKIN'!
He strokes it to the east, strokes it to the west,
strokes is to the women that he loves the best.
Joe is putting it all out there. He said cheerleader and hardwood in one statement.
It ain't no mosquito, Joe's libido.
And threw in a "blows" for good measure:
This is a *lot* sexier than the Republican dog-whistle stuff we hear all the time.
Agreed, the fap factor here is most excellent.
Strokes it to the North,
Strokes it to the South,
He even strokes it with his…..
My entirely awesome ex-boss was also an ex-DJ, and incredibly knowledgeable about all kinds of music, which made for great conversations:
Boss: Do you know, "I stroke it to the east, I stroke it to the west"?
Me: I hope to GOD that you're referring to the Clarence Carter song!
You're strokin' it, Joe Biden
But you're strokin' too darn fast
And if my stuff ain't tight enough
You can stroke it in my…
STROKIN'!
It's like "Wedding Crashers," and we're all ugly bridesmaids to Joe.
In all fairness, EVERYBODY looks ugly in a kelly green taffeta bridesmaid's dress.
Give 'em the vapors, Joe.
If you can hear me scream “get off of my lawn” you are in my personal space. I do admire the ability to make personal connections in other people, I don’t understand it but I admire it.
You know what Joe likes about high school girls? No matter how old he gets, they stay the same age.
So the Veep and I have something in common!
When I first saw that movie.. I did not even recognize McConaughey, he was so slick. The hairdo and sleazey demeanor totally threw me.
All right all right all right…
"Yowza! HOTTT!"
I thought the proper spelling was "hawt." You kids these days, I swear.
Just when you think you got a handle on things, they go and change them around on you
"….keep going."
- Ken Starr
“No, I was so excited,” Ms. Durkin said later. “I love him.”
She did it with this face.
http://ryanseacrest.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/0…
Are you going to survive "The World Wide Bacon Shortage"?
I've stock piled for this event.
"The stuff they do on hardwood, it absolutely blows my mind,"
Hard wood. Heh heh.
He is just playing with us now.
ISWHDT. LMFAO.
Your move Paul Ryan. Your fans are a waitin' with the great expectations.
50 Shades Of Veep
good god. is that really the level of writing in that thing?
Picture the same cliche used four times in the space of three pages. Then a different cliche, four times over the next three pages. Repeat throughout three books.
Yeah, I read that crap.
makes me long for dan brown.
So did my wife – after which her left handed compliment to me was that my self-published young adult novel was better written. Which I don't doubt. Then again, I get the impression most Chinese take-out restaurant menus are better written, so it wasn't all that much of a compliment.
That quote is from the NYT article.
What would Mitt's comfort zone be?
Utah?
A zone-locus buffer region with discomfort increasing to asymptote as units/objects approach.
But what is the factor?
Now you've gone right over my head. What's the vector, Victor?
International waters.
He touched me in my Caribbean area.
He was aiming for the Netherland Antilles.
Mars.
Somewhere near where the Curiosity probe is now.
Is that a euphemism for "up a Koch brother's ass"? Because all the Republicans are comfortable there.
It's here.
His jeans aren't comfortable with him….
His accountant's office.
Quiet rooms?
Quiet rooms where Mitt is the only speaker, with $25000-a-plate sauted chicken breasts in mushroom sauce. Those are Mitt's people.
(Especially the $25000 part.)
Meh-he-co
Within the heavily fortified, death-ray-topped walls surrounding a castle on top of a skull-shaped mountain?
By the way, if you're in search of a personal description, allow me to suggest, "Upfist my comment, or the dog gets it".
120 VAC
About 15 yards, I should think.
Joey and Kayleigh, sittin' in a tree…
Never too old to put on a slow show for the ladies…and meanwhile Mitt is just looking for a place to not be nervous and not be thinking about his dick.
Now *this* is a story I can fap to!
“They’re almost all gymnasts. The stuff they do on hardwood, it absolutely blows my mind, thinking, you know, they’re up there without a net. You know?”
Boy, talk about dogwhistles…
Hubba, hubba!
Jill's a hottie.
Ann Egg is haughty.
The first Vice President whose campaign theme song is Bow Chicka Wow Wow.
50 Shades of Heyyyy!
Grey works also, too.
Then Joe said "how YOU doing?"
Joe puts the "vice" in "vice president."
I'm pissed. I had a ticket to see Handsome Joe when he was going to crash the RNC in Tampa but he cancelled his appearance because of the Not a Hurricane Isaac.
Uh, he did, in 1998. There was the little matter of a speech plagiarized from Brit Labor Party guy Neil Kinnoch, thus giving us the Dukakis candidacy. Also ran again in '08.
Almost forgot the second one–found it when I had to look up the first.
How could you forget "clean and articulate"?! (It is evidence of the Biden Disarmament Field that nobody really got mad about that.)
Frequently, Handsome Joe will then have sexytime with a seagull, because one good tern deserves another.
But he'd never crow about it.
You ought to see him on a crested tit
In a Firebird, no less.
Goose is his favorite…
Cardinal sin!
Talk about a poppin Jay.
He is a rooster shakin' a tail feather fo sho!!!!
He did, twice.
I adore this man, just adore him, we are so lucky to have him as VP, I know if he did that to me I would be unable to stop it right there, I would be all over him.
I'd turn bright red and start giggling.
I have a feeling he would turn on my sexy switch.
You best be careful. Jill looks like she could wreck a lady.
Dang. If I'da been old enuff, *I* woulda voted for 'im…
This, also.
As Mr. Biden worked his way around the Acoustic Café in Eau Claire, Wis., this month, he snatched crackers and other tidbits off diners’ plates. Posing for a picture with his arms around two women, he glanced back at a group of men and said, “Hard work, guys.”
Apparently, he'd crack snatches, too…
He's just a love machine…
Well, Jill was all giddy thinking about him doing the love-act the other day, so I assume you are correct.
Hard work or workin' hard?
Compare and contrast with the two spoiled rich kid Republican assholes who whined, "It's HARD!"
[E*g and B*sh]
Instead of asking for money for a chance to win dinner with the Prez the Obama campaign should be selling raffle tickets for a chance to have a ride with Joe in his Trans Am. Bitchin'!!!
Highway wonderland.
If he doesn't run in 2016, he certainly has a future as a Viagra spokesman.
Will he whisper sweet nothings in my ear under the moonlight?
I hope women throw panties during the debate!
On the left, a hundred thongs, two dozen G strings, a set of pasties and 45 bikinis.
On the right, a single pair of Egg's magic Granny panties.
OK, ew…
I was astonished to learn on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me that after a single woman at a New York show threw her panties at Tom Jones, his publicist, Jay Bernstein, started paying women at Jones' Las Vegas shows to do the same.
Yes, believe it or not, the manager was worried that the shows would flop. After a woman at the Copa (where else?) handed her panties to one of his flunkies to give to him (instead of the traditional "phone number on a cocktail napkin") the publicist had what ended up being a brilliant idea.
This would be so full of win.
Sexy Joe is great, but we could use more Cujo Joe as well, goin after Mitt and the Ryanator.
You see, this just demonstrates the utter moral bankruptcy of the liberal media. Why isn't Joe Biden being prosecuted for sexual harassment? If Mitch McConnell was going around pawing women like this, you hypocrites would be calling him a monster.
/breitbart
Frankly, I would be surprised if any woman would let Mitch McConnell paw them. 10 foot pole, duh.
Biden Harassment: "You want a future, don't you? Pull the lever!"
Wouldn't get pawed by a geriatric turtle count as bestiality, not sexual harassment?
SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH
Thanks for the earworm, you bastard.
Well, I've been getting tired of Freebird, so time for a change.
There are letters in Penthouse?
Yes, under "Friction".
Oh you're such a tease. ;-)
Mostly consisting of T & A, but topped with a generous spread of V.
Marvin Gaye just called Joe, wants his song back: "I didn't mean it to be political"….
Like that drunken uncle who winds up hitting on your girlfriend after Thanksgiving dinner. Thats Old Handsome Joe; America's pervy uncle!
This is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. Unless you have an uncle like Joe for reals. In that case, oh yeah, Thanksgiving with the fam – I'm wearing something slutty.
Bring it.
Oh, to be 12 years younger, and scandalizing the other side in the flame war with the news that their greatest antagonists are now having coffee together on the back porch…
I have two *actual* Uncle Joes, which kept me from commenting in this thread, "I love me some Uncle Joe".
Also, I still have to sit at the kids' table at Thanksgiving.
Let's hope you are sowing the seeds of Socialism as long as you are there.
Yeah, but unlike your pervy uncle, your girlfriend leaves with Handsome Old Joe.
This will be the next steamy Harlequin Romance: Taken by the Vice President.
Subtitle: My Executive Mandate
Veep me baby, veep me all night long….
This just in, Joe Biden's favorite movie is the Cinemax late night classic "Private Lessons…."
He's just filling the void left by Isaac Hayes…
You say this cat Joe is a bad mutha–
Shut yo' mouth!
But I'm talkin' 'bout Joe
Then we can dig it!
Nah, we're not ready for a Scientologist VP.
Giovanni Ribisi 2020.
They don't really make politicians like that any more, do they?
Yah, back when they were human. Now, they're just grown by the Tyrell Corporation or some such…
bout damn time they let the biden loose. best damn strategy ever for swing states.
i can't wait for little lord ryan vs. swoonin joe
Not sure if that's what's meant by "swing" states.
The next announced Wonkette Drinky Thing will be at the USNO.
Can we take a look at Cheney's man-sized safe, or has that been removed from the premises?
On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the Vice-Presidential candidate with the red roses?
♫ And he took the words right out of Kinnock's mouth… ♪
Excellent.
I bet you say that to all the boys.
S.E. Cupp seemed rather enthusiastic about blue eyed Ryan.
Biden has hair plugs older than Ms. Durkin!
So…what adult actor will they get to play Joe in "Who's Ridin' Biden"?
Isn't Jeff Stryker about the right age?
Peter North.
Oh, come on.
A mere hypothetical. Trubba not.
Anyone who is NOT Ron Jeremy, plz.
Thank you ever so much.
OT but I'm sorta happy to see Scott Walker demanding the NFL get the deal done with the referee's union after "his" Packers got jobbed by the scab refs last night. http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2012/09/25/90369…
Yeah, concessions are all Scott's about…
The Flip-Flop Contagion is raging through the GOP ranks! Oh, the pain of Packers fans warms my cockles all the way down here in the Chicago Loop.
I should be mad, but like Smokin' Jay Cutler I donnnnnnnnnn't carrrrrrrrrre.
I was a little put out by the stupid of it all, but (1) 12 points? Come on, guys. And (2) if there was ever a team that deserved a game-deciding make-up call, it's the Seahawks.
"Up there without a net" is the best new euphemism I've heard in years.
Sounds better than "bareback."
I honestly cannot make up my mind about Joe.
And angry boyfriends are angry. Thank God for the Secret Service.
So that's what kids call it nowadays, gaffing.
Aw hell, Biden's here in my own town NOW! (brb…)
Keep your clothes on!
Joe Stud Muffin
the stuff they do on hardwood
Cheerleaders: A Floor Polish and Dessert Topping…
In a campaign that is otherwise so bland it makes beige look like a rainbow, Joe is like a giant slash of purple crayon on the wall. You know what I mean?
He's Prince?
"Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of the Delaware River?"
"purple crayon"
He's Harold?
I love Harold!
"The stuff they do on hardwood, it absolutely blows my mind"
I think this is a lyric from a ZZ Top song.
Joe is known as the The Snuggler!
What's the difference between the Biden Bedroom and the Romney Bedroom? The difference between Lightning and Lightning Bug.
That Mark Twain, he was good. Huckleberry Finn, and Catch-22, the bookends of great american novel-dom. They are what warped me the way I am.
Total all-time never aging always relevant classics.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.
Aw, I miss lightning bugs.
Cardinals and blue jays, too.
Come down South. I see those every day.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.
Paul Ryan was impressed and tried the same tactic with a cheerleader. A hand extended, forearm caressed, other hand to shoulder, looked soulfully with those hound dog eyes, then said, "Under my plans, if you get hurt doing a flip, you and all of your family will die hungry and poor."
"…they’re up there without a net!", he said, standing at the foot of the pyramid staring up.
Now I'm picturing Bluto from Animal House in the scene where he's under the bleachers.
hard, wood, blow ? – is there anything he left out?
Ol' Swoony Joe, that's what all the dames used to call him…
Just so you know, guys, the safety word is "mittens".
Mitt Romney's campaign just sent out a press release noting that like his meatware opponents, he is also "fully functional".
It looks to me like he's cuddling her leather vest. Which I think is double-sexxxy!
Handsome Joe is holding hands with an excited 26-year-old history teacher in New England while Rmoney is trying desperately to drum up a cheer in a whiter-than-white town that couldn't get any more Republican if Reagan had been born there. Do we really need to pay pollsters?
Veep Joe is keeping our unbroken streak of sexually charged Democratic administrations going strong, but not too strong. Guys take notes, ladies take a number.
Pandering to the erectorate.
like years, those days
New slogan:
"Let's put the Erection back in the Election"
Tribbles
Who put the tribbles in the quadrotriticale?
Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?
One word: Univision.
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