did tax dollars pay for that bronzer

Mitt Romney Totally Loves Welfare Now, You Guys

Looks like we're going to need a bigger elevatorA weak, vacillating politician — one not fit to be a leader — would express a politically unpalatable position in a private setting, but then retract it when it becomes public. A strong leader would explain that, while his words may have sounded harsh in context, the ideas he was trying to express were important, and in fact are ultimately for everyone’s benefit. And that’s exactly what Mitt did with his 47% talk in his brownfaced appearance on Univision, except for the part where he said that he cares about all Americans and especially poor people and welfare is awesome and did you know that Mitt’s dad was on welfare? Yay, welfare!

Nothing heartens Mitt Romney more than a story about a penniless political refugee driven across the Rio Grande and then suckling up to the teat of the American welfare state, he told his good Hispanic friends on TV last night!

I mentioned my dad, my dad was born in Mexico of Americans parents living there. At age 5 or 6 there was revolution. They came back to the United States, and my dad had to get help, financial help, the government helped his family be able to get on their feet again. By the way, that’s the way America works, we have great hearts, we care for people who have needs. We help get them back. We help lift them up but then they go back to their permanent lifestyle.

Lift people up out of poverty and then they go back to their permanent lifestyle! That sounds … that sounds exactly like how welfare works in the United States now, despite suggestions from some. Anyway, Mitt is totally standing by his earlier tough statements to conservatives but also wants Latinos to know that he is 100% in favor of the American welfare state as it currently exists. He also plans to fix America’s broken immigration laws, something Obama promised to do but didn’t but Mitt will totally be able to do because Mitt is all about solving difficult problems.

Here, check out welfare queen Lenore Romney explaining how government handouts helped make Mitt’s dad a productive member of society.


About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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    1. Serolf_Divad

      Actually, I fully expect Mittens to come out with something like:

      "I've got some friends who own people who are on welfare."

      And then spend the next week doubling down, explaining, modifying and finally retracting his statement.

  1. Come here a minute

    I hope Mitt remembered to lie to the browns about Obama cutting the work requirement out of welfare!

    1. Terry

      Best lie to them about his party's stand on immigration, too. Oh, and how they call for the general harassment of anyone with more not-sprayed-on pigment than Mitt.

        1. glasspusher

          Listen, pal, I taught premeds on my way to getting a Ph.D., and I'll let you know who the posers really are…

      1. Beetagger

        Are you an extroverted physicist? i.e.., you look at other people's shoes instead of your own when they're speaking to you.

      2. Jus_Wonderin

        Sometimes I experience "inappropritate happiness". Can you offer advice on this? Do I get to lay back on your couch while you counsel me?

      1. Pragmatist2

        Somewhere out there is some Tea Party troll looking through these comments hoping to throw in a zinger. He is trying to figure out what sort of Communists Heisenberg and Schroedinger were and whether "Leonard" is Leon Trotsky's full name.

        1. Dudleydidwrong

          Yeah, but you gotta remember that all scientifical types are socialist commie atheists because they all believe that evil-loosian stuff and they subvert our children and all sorts of things. By their very natures Heisenberg and Schrödinger are not to be trusted because of that, too, also.

          Heisenberg and Schrödinger are both dead, so we know they were evil. If they believed in the Bible they'd still be alive. And Trotsky? Doesn't he own a deli on 7th Street?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Dang, you beat me to it! His policies can be described by a wave interference pattern and depend on the position of the observer. After inauguration, the waveform collapses (along with America).

    2. GemlikeFlame

      Does that mean we can lock him in a box with a radiation source and a vial of poison gas? Because I am very up for that.

      And it would simplify a lot of things. I put the Schrodinger's Cat scenario to one of my students who then said, and I quote:

      "Who cares if the cat is alive or dead? It's locked into a box with a radiation source and a vial of poison gas. It's not going anywhere."

      Perceptive lad, he'll go far, unlike Mittens.

  2. barto

    The irony here is that my wingnut friend is always forwarding the batshit emails about messicans waltzing across the border and right in to the welfare office (after dropping the kiddo off at the hospital, of course). Guess he was right, after all!

    1. comrad_darkness

      Do a reply all with the content of this speech to one of them from a throw away email address. Those types never understand how to use the bcc field.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Or did the audience remind Mitt why his daddy was born on Mexican soil instead of in the good ole USA … and how his daddy had about 8 moms? Something tells me the browns are not hip to Mormonism.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        They would just be airing that fuzzy image of the US flag flying (like they used to right before the networks shut down for the night in the 70s), because all the anchors would have had aneurysms.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      "As you all know, first prize is the presidency, Second prize, a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired."

  3. PsycWench

    my dad was born in Mexico of Americans parents living there.

    I am one of you but I'm not REALLY one of you. Glad we got that straight.

  4. ph7

    We help lift them up but then they go back to their permanent lifestyle.

    Unless it's an alternative lifestyle, of course.

  5. ChernobylSoup

    I can't keep up. Is Mitt going to stare down Mexicans until they disappear, stare down welfare until it disappears, or stare up America's skirt and wish he could get some?

    1. PsycWench

      Good to know, I was wondering if my computer was the problem but was not sure I wanted to explain to IT that I was having trouble wasting time on Wonkette.

          1. Jus_Wonderin

            It was Fn annoying. I have never clicked "No" as much as I have in the last few days. I feel like I need to click "Yes" a few times just to get my life balance back.

          2. kittensdontlie

            That large number of clicks we each made, showed great perserverance, and our employers are lucky to have such tenacious employees!

    2. Isyaignert

      Me too – at first I thought they were kicking me off the site for saying "fuk" one too many times. Daily Kos kicked me out for daring to say that there was never a full investigation of what happened on 9/11 and that many people still had questions. I am a conspiracy theorist now. Yay me!! Oh, and FUK YOU DAILY KOS!!!

      1. weejee

        Sad but true, they skipped that "go fuck yourselves" direct quote of the Senate Minority Turtle. Why does the lame stream not print these pithy quotes??

  6. EatsBabyDingos

    I'm singing "On Chupacabra's Wings" for Mitt today. It's like "On Eagle's Wings," but for goat suckers.

  7. FakaktaSouth

    I wish he would stop calling it a "revolution" and start saying what it was. Mexico didn't want weirdos with harems spreading their crazy America's Own Jesus theories all over their land, so they kicked us the hell out, and for some reason they didn't let us starve here."

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I saw that guy on there described as "the former linebacker from Alabama" and I swear, I thought, there ain't NO terrible situation we dumbfucks won't jump into with both feet. So wretched.

  8. freakishlywrong

    Does anybody, really, have any fucking idea what is in this clown's core? I really don't. Other than hating poor blahs, I honestly couldn't tell you.

    1. mrpuma2u

      You are assuming there is a core of anything substantial. I think it's just a fluffy cellulose in there. Bland and beige.

    2. BornInATrailer

      Other than an apparent strong drive to hold public office for some unknown reason, I haven't a clue what he actually believes.

      Calling him a windsock isn't appropriate because they are consistent for short periods of time and your viewing of the windsock doesn't change it's direction.

      He's like the living political incarnation of the Heisenberg principle. The closer you look at his positions and policy, the more your scrutiny alters them.

    3. Radiotherapy

      freak, I think the only reason he wants to be prez, other than ego, is to get rid of the estate tax so that Tagg and Tick and Trot can live easily off the Romney welfare state.

    4. Spurning Beer

      I want to praise Mitt with faint damns:

      I don't think he hates black people, or Mexicans, or even gay people. He just has no concept of them. His core is amorphous and spongy, not especially hate-filled. He's a good-boy Mormon high-achieving rich kid whose life training has been that making a fortune in business sometimes requires a flexible version of integrity and morality, and that electoral politics is just like that. Sometimes you have to invest in areas you consider offensive, sometimes you have to tell partial truths or untruths, sometimes you have to step on other people and still find a way to avoid feeling like an asshole, because things have to be done in the real world for a bigger purpose, like getting really fucking rich, or gaining the Highest Office in the Land.

      1. BornInATrailer

        I suspect that is pretty spot on. I don't believe he has some weird Mormon version of a Dominionist-esque drive. Or a particular ugly agenda against some minority. I doubt he has particularly strong negative views on any particular group or even strong views on righting some kind of wrong, enacting some great change.

        But if that is the case… then why? He's rich as shit already. How much more will this get him vs. what it will cost, cost in all currencies? Maybe it is just ego and an unquenchable thirst for money and power. And that I don't understand people driven in this way (because I'm not).

        I sometimes wonder if the faith is the answer. I think we tend to forget it because I don't think anyone on "this side" (eh) makes an issue of it. His faith is an issue for the fundies in his party. And he doesn't mention it that much, probably on purpose but perhaps for what are the wrong reasons. But we've also heard from his fellow Mormons how active he is and how what we see isn't the real Mitt. Maybe this boils down to his father was the first Mormon governor outside Utah. And he wants to one-up that, both for his faith and for his esteem within his church.

        Seems odd to do this out of faith when your positions seem to be so flexible but it's all that makes sense to me so far.

        1. Spurning Beer

          I think you're onto something. My sense is that he has graduated from pursuing wealth to pursuing validation or legitimacy. It's a little like the nouveau riche trying to find some standing with the old money people. Mormonism — apart from its content — is a freshly-minted Wild West religion that would really like to be taken seriously, and the Presidency would be an even greater plum than the Governorship of Massachusetts. Maybe that is the higher purpose his opportunism is serving.

          1. bobbert

            You know, there really is a White Horse Prophecy. And more centrally, when old Joe cooked up the religion, it was coupled very tightly with US nationalism. In effect, the reason for the existence of the US was to provide the stage on which the true version of Christianity could finally be "reinstated". The idea that the US will eventually become a theocracy is pretty deeply embedded,

            It's impossible to know how devout Rmoney is, but as a kid he had to be exposed to the basic concepts, and the idea that it is his destiny to become President and "save" the country must at least resonate deep in his tiny soul.

  9. Goonemeritus

    I bet Romney’s mother actually drove a Cadillac, proof positive that some stereotypes have a bases in fact.

          1. actor212

            We had the two-door coupe with a V8 401 in white with red accents and red leather seats.

            And then my fucking father gave it to my goddam sister for college and that was the last I saw of it. She even sold it to some dude when she was finished for $100! I would have paid that just to get my hands on her and fix her up. She just needed a few mechanical tweaks. Thing was cherry, never been in an accident.

            Which for a car in my family was really rare.

        1. bobbert

          My first car was a '67 Rambler American. If you tromped on the gas pedal, it would eventually think about reaching 60.

  10. Toomush_Infer

    I watched that whole video hoping for a view of that ironing board Ann borrowed…George counting out "one Amero, two Amero's , fuck Henry Ford, three Amero's…

  11. Oblios_Cap

    that’s the way America works, we have great hearts, we care for people who have needs. We help get them back. We help lift them up but then they go back to their permanent lifestyle.

    "We try to help them out, but they blow it all on hookers and blow." Moroni is not pleased.

    Which America is he speaking of? Central or South?

  12. noodlesalad

    The way that MittBot customizes his humaninteraction.exe file depending on the composition of the audience, makes you wonder what would happen if he had to speak to a group that consisted of conservatives, liberals, whites, blacks, latinos, homophobes, LGBT, and everything else (i.e. America). He'd probably just asplode, no?

    1. PsycWench

      You know, if he wins (doubtful), that's exactly what he WILL do in his inauguration speech. So I hope we never find out.

  13. Serolf_Divad

    So is Romney going to purposefully insult thsese folks, too, so tomorrow he can give a speech to a bunch of teabaggers bragging about how the messicans booed him when he told them what's what?

  14. Terry

    "By the way, that’s the way America works, we have great hearts, we care for people who have needs. We help get them back. We help lift them up but then they go back to their permanent lifestyle."

    Yeah, except your party and your running mate are trying to break down that very safety net you're lauding here, Mitt. Do you think the people watching Univision don't notice this fact?

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, Mexican folks, don't believe him. If he's elected, it's gonna be all "chorizo para usted" all the time.

  16. ibwilliamsi

    OK, I'm seriously, guys. Can someone please explain to me how it is that Bishop Romney's dad was born in Mexico and was on the ballot for POTUS?

    1. actor212

      While the issue was raised during his campaign, he didn't stay in long enough for a firm decision on his eligibility to be made.

      The argument that he made was, because his family was forced to flee the US (they were polygamous) he could be considered a natural born American (both his parents and grandparents were native born citizens IIRC), but like I said, no one ever got around to weighing in on this.

      Apparently, when he was born, his parents had to choose whether George would be a Mexican citizen or an American and they chose American. Not sure how that worked, but that's the basis of his claim

    2. LibertyLover

      His parents were Americans, therefore, he was an American and was eligible to run for President. Apparently this privilege is not afforded to a child with a pigmentation problem that was born in the totally American state of Hawaii who was born of an American woman (who was born in Kansas).
      Also, too, George Romney was a wah. (Just like this wasn't a problem for John McCain)

      1. actor212

        The argument could have been made, however, that since their parents (Mitt's grandparents) fled the US because of polygamy– a felony– that negated the American citizenship of George & Lenore.

        1. LibertyLover

          I'm not sure it would negate Lenore's citizenship, she wasn't born in Mexico, was she? I am curious about the term "refuge FROM Mexico" though. WTF does that mean?

          Besides, could they just say Romeny's Grandparents were just employing multiple marriage avoidance, same reasoning that Mittens used to offshore his money for tax avoidance?

        2. LibertyLover

          Even if you flee the country for whatever reason, unless you renounce your citizenship, I think you retain it. There are lots of Ex-pats that retain their citizenship even though they live in another country.

          1. sewollef

            Works for me.

            I'm a Brit ex-pat living in the US for 9 years. Still have my Brit passport, since I'm a 'Resident Alien' [Green card].

            I'm undecided on whether to take up US citizenship [I would of course keep my UK citizenship too – duh. Healthcare].

    3. MosesInvests

      The same way Juan McCain was born in Panama (not the Canal Zone, in sovereign Panama) and was on the ballot for POTUS. You are a natural born US citizen if at least one parent was a citizen OR if you were born in the US. George Romney's parents were citizens, therefore he was a natural born citizen.

      1. comrad_darkness

        That definition has never been put to a legal test. That's the same one as for "citizen."

        Me, I think it means you can't be born Caesarian.

        1. Generation[redacted]

          I'm writing every pro-life Congressman to have this changed from "naturally born" to "naturally conceived." The danger of an IVF President cannot be overstated.

    1. Isyaignert

      After this election smokes the entire Republicon party into obliteration, there may not be any around for 2016.

  17. docterry6973

    So he panders for the latino vote last night and by tonight he will deny it all to placate his base. The man is hopeless at his chosen craft, which is lucky for America.

    Also, it damages Mitt when anyone sees what good folks his parents really were. What the hell happened to him? Absolute wealth corrupts absolutely, I guess.

  18. Self-Uploader

    Per the NYTimes at least, he's now for the Dream Act. This is a great strategy he's got going, just tell each audience what they want to hear. Not like there's any possible way they might find out…

    1. PsycWench

      He might be thinking "good way there is no virtually instant way that people can transmit information to each other and that news organizations can disseminate information. And if there were, luckily there is no way of posting video footage that proves that their claims are accurate and my denials don't hold water."

  19. BoroPrimorac

    I'm sure Americans of Mexican or Guatemalan descent loved watching Mitt pander to a group which gets automatic citizenship and all the welfare help they need, once they put a foot in this country, no questions asked.

  20. MacRaith

    Mitt wasn't against welfare before he was for it. He was both against it and for it at the same time. And the beautiful thing is that he still is. And he always will be, until he isn't. Because that's just the kind of guy Mitt is, except when he's not.

    1. comrad_darkness

      This is like how red state abortions for their daughters are justified, right? I think I'm catching on here . . .

    2. Generation[redacted]

      He's Schroedinger's Candidate and the waveform function describing his policy positions will collapse after inauguration.

  21. hagajim

    Has anyone checked to see if this guy has multiple personality disorder? I swear to God I'm gonna start calling him Sybil Romney….just like her, his multiple personalities are fake, fake, fake.

  22. anniegetyerfun

    "By the way, that’s the way America works, we have great hearts, we care for people who have needs. We help get them back. Unlike YOU people."

  23. Estproph

    He's now for welfare. Of course this is while he is against welfare.

    So he's 50% Mexican, 50% welfare kid, 50% prep school, 50% Doberman Pinscher – his real name actually is Mutt.

  24. actor212

    I'm thinking he's betting that those Lateeeeeeeenohhhhhhhhhhhhhs can't speaka da Ingles and so won't have heard the news from the past week month year decade ever.

  25. chascates

    Yeah, but Romney's dad also greatly enlarged Michigan's state government and presided over the its first income tax, was a supporter of civil rights, and finally opposed the Vietnam War. So he's not truly Mitt-like.

    Although Wikipedia states: The qualities that helped Romney as an industry executive worked against him as a presidential candidate;[34] he had difficulty being articulate, often speaking at length and too forthrightly on a topic and then later correcting himself while maintaining he was not.[51][166][167] Reporter Jack Germond joked that he was going to add a single key on his typewriter that would print, "Romney later explained…."[166] Life magazine wrote that Romney "manages to turn self-expression into a positive ordeal" and that he was no different in private: "nobody can sound more like the public George Romney than the real George Romney let loose to ramble, inevitably away from the point and toward some distant moral precept."[51]

    The perception grew that Romney was gaffe-prone.[166][168] The campaign, beset by internal rivalries, soon went through the first of several reorganizations.

    Presidential historian Theodore H. White wrote that during his campaign Romney gave "the impression of an honest and decent man simply not cut out to be President of the United States."[185] Governor Jim Rhodes of Ohio more memorably said, "Watching George Romney run for the presidency was like watching a duck try to make love to a football."

    1. Guppy

      Reporter Jack Germond joked that he was going to add a single key on his typewriter that would print, "Romney later explained…."

      We now live in such a Brave New World of Office Macros.

  26. Peckerwood_Pete

    I'm of the opinion that we do indeed need a social safety net….

    But there are those who abuse the system… I found this out as a young social worker in SC (before I became even poorer, as an author). But I asked a high school kid once what he wanted to be when he grew up. He asked me, "what you mean?". I replied, "what do you want to do for a living when you grow up… for a job?". He responded, casually, "what I need a job 'fo?". I told him, "to earn money". He wisely informed me, "oh, ok.. naw, I dont need no job… we get a check".

      1. Peckerwood_Pete

        Failure of the educational system is part of it. I think another part of it is failure of the parents to instill work ethic into the kids at home. But sadly, I found that many of the parents have the same views as their kids do.

        We need jobs. Good jobs.

        1. Guppy

          All in all, a person won't work harder at something unless they believe something will come of it. If the only viable (or even just visible) options are "government check" or "working poor," why work when you'll be poor either way?

          Of course, this all hinges on those checks being as easy to get as he seems to believe.

          At any rate, when you said "job," you meant "career," but that's not what he heard.

          1. Peckerwood_Pete

            Yes, I meant "career", absolutely…. a dead end job that doesn't pay the bills isn't much motivation to not be lazy…. it's a lose/lose situation right now…. sadly, even if many of these multi generational welfare folks wanted to work, they'd be competing with MBAs and PHDs for burger flipper jobs.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Sounds like something that will last until the kid goes out on his own and sees just how far that check will take him.

  27. poorgradstudent

    The fact that Mitt Romney still commands a fairly sizable percentage in the polls is part of the reason why I want to start a movement called Americans for Enlightened Despotism.

  28. ThundercatHo

    Did anyone else notice that the son he had with him last night (Spic Romney?) looks a lot more like Raul the pool boy than Mittens or the other 4 Romneyspawn?

    1. Isyaignert

      I saw that too and thought they probably lined up all of the boys and chose whichever one was the darkest-skinned to be on stage. Posers!

  29. Eve8Apples

    I don't know who is in charge of shaking the etch-a-sketch that is Romney's brain, but their arms must be getting real tired.

  30. DahBoner

    Wingnuts on Welfare: If it helps me, it's good. It's all about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

    Papi: don't preach…

  31. owhatever

    Sure, I make the occasional mistake. I admit it. Running for President means I have to give a lot of speeches, and sure, I make the occasional mistake. I admit it. After all, I'm only human…only human…only hum…erk…snarf…Error code 303.

  32. nycbiscuit

    Did Mitt's grandparents pay US taxes while living in Mexico, or did they just come back to the States and start mooching off the system without paying anything into it?

  33. oenspiek

    My dad was born in Mexico ….

    And I'm obscenely rich. I'm looking to buy Mexico, since this POTUS thing just isn't working out.

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