Some other Kansas guy against slavery.Breaking news out of Kansas: There is a politician there who hates abortion.

That politician, in this case, is Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-MLK Memorial), who hates it so much he’s come up with an almost new way of explaining the situation: Obama is as racist as Planned Parenthood, which is to say, really racist.

“I am the adoptive father of four children, each of them either — each of them either black, Hispanic, Native American,” he said. “And I am incensed that this president pays money to an entity that was created for the sole purpose of killing children that look like mine — a racist organization, and it continues specifically to target minorities for abortion destruction.”

It’s a very credible theory last espoused by Very Credible Rick Santorum, who astutely pointed out last year that “certainly a lot of evidence that the location of their clinics happen to be in places, historically places, where there are high concentrations of minorities, for example.”

(Evidence: You can’t spell “Planned Parenthood” without ‘hood.)

And the nerve of Planned Parenthood, targeting minority populations for health clinics! Why are there no Planned Parenthood facilities in wealthy areas where people have access to health insurance and doctors and stuff? Are their babies not worth killing? Gosh, you Planned Parenthood people are acting like there are drastic disparities in health care access for minorities! In reality, you baby-murderers, health care disparities are so negligible that Kaiser only comes out with a report about it once a month!

Also, shame on you, Health People, for creating an organization “for the sole purpose of killing children.” More like soul purpose, eh? Never mind that only three percent of your budget goes toward abortion services, including exactly zero federal dollars. This president is racistly murdering minority babies, because he is evil, and not at all because access to women’s health care is probably an important thing.

OK, Senor Huelskamp, if you are so against abortion, you love Obamacare’s provisions increasing access to birth control, right? That’s probably an unequivocally good thing — less unintended pregnancies, less abortions. How does Huelskamp feel about that, Wichita Eagle?

Rep. Tim Huelskamp, R-Fowler, was among the freshmen congressmen who held a news conference at the Capitol Wednesday to label it the “Day Religious Freedom Died.” That was when the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ birth-control coverage mandate went into effect… Huelskamp called the policy “anti-Catholic bigotry.”

Hm. That is kind of the opposite thing.

How else can we elevate the discussion from “let’s talk about policy” to “let’s shit our pants and yell”?

Well, this should do it. Thanks NBC:

“Like the pro-slavery forces who invaded Kansas, the pro-abortion forces in Washington and elsewhere want us to believe that abortion is not murder — that being born is worse than death, that the unborn baby is property, not a person. We’ve heard that before — 150 years ago,” Huelskamp said, in an apparent reference to the Civil War and slavery.

In review: Birth control is anti-Catholic bigotry, aborted fetuses are slaves, and the first black president hates minorities, who are being intentionally targeted for murder by Planned Parenthood.

It’s a lot easier to talk about issues when you stop talking about the actual issues, but thank goodness a modern-day Harriet Tubman like Tim Huelskamp is here to escort modern-day slaves through the new Underground Railroad: the birth canal. [Political Wire]

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  • DrunkIrishman

    What the fuck is a Jayhawk anyway?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Huelskamp. Sorry, my stomach is acting up a bit.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    "Oh will the fetus
    Be aborted
    By and by Lord
    By and by
    There's a better
    Home awaiting
    In the sky Lord
    In the sky"
    Dead Kennedys

    • That was recorded by Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon and not the Dead Kennedys, but close enough.

  • Misty Malarky

    What's the Matter with Kansas?

    • MadBrahms

      What isn't?

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Well, probably because he isn't in it anymore, Toto. Or any where else recognisably on this planet, given the obvious abscence of a logical thought process leading from A nearly all the way to B.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaahahaah….whewwww….hahahahahahahaha…..whew….he he he he hic….

    • Negropolis


      Did I say that out loud? I should have used my indoor head voice.

    • sewollef

      "Slavery existed in Kansas Territory, but on a much smaller scale than in the South. Most slaveholders owned only one or two slaves. Many slaves were women and children who performed domestic work rather than farm labor."
      Kansas Historical Society

      Oh, only one or two slaves…. well, that's OK then, right? And er, "domestic work"…. now whatever could that be?

  • Come here a minute

    Fetus "bodies" are a-smoldering in the medical waste disposal containment units,
    Their souls are marching on! (With votes!?)

    • More like being picked up in Bain Capital owned trucks to be dumped in landfills.

      • Veritas78

        Yeah, when are we going to get back to that! Stericyle™, right? The Bain company that composts fetuses? "From the operating table to your dining room table?"

        Or mebbe we're saving that for "Suppress the Teabagger Turnout Week" just before the election. Oops, said too much. Ssh.

  • Pragmatist2

    So he's saying aborting White babies is OK? I wish his mother knew that.

    • He's saying "Why, some of my best chillun is black!"

  • BlueStateLibel

    I bet if you asked him quick, Tim Huelskamp couldn't even give you the names of his adopted children. I bet even when he talks to them, he gets their names wrong.

    • Come here a minute

      Their names are "hey buddy", "pal", "you", and "Tim, Jr.".

    • badgitator

      Is this kinda like that dentist on "Seinfeld" that converted to Judaism so that he could tell Jewish jokes?

    • An_Outhouse

      my grandfather used to refer to us as 'boy' and 'girl'. now that i'm getting older i see the simple elegance of this approach.

    • Callyson

      Names: "Don't make me come down there," "Look what you made me do," "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you," and "Big kids don't cry."

    • Toomush_Infer

      Niggie, Spicky, Tonto and Whatsisname – see, it was easy…

    • tessiee

      Hell, my parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, used to call all of us by our siblings', cousins', and sometimes our parents', names, and none of us were adopted.

      Sometimes, they'd go through several names and eventually stop on the right one, like a wheel of fortune: "Eat your baccala, Bessie-Jessie-Nessie-Tessie".

      • Biff

        Are you my sister?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      It doesn't matter…he just keeps them for "domestic help". I guess it used to be a Kansas thing back in the day.

  • Ok, ok, Kansas wins Crazy for 2012!!!!

    We get it!!! You win!!!!

    • memzilla

      TOO EARLY!

      We've yet to hear from Arizona and Florida.

    • shelwood46

      Extra points for the Birtherism they were eagerly embracing earlier this week, also, too.

  • Birth control is anti-Catholic bigotry, aborted fetuses are slaves, and the first black president hates minorities, who are being intentionally targeted for murder by Planned Parenthood

    We are obviously approaching flying-saucer level wingnuttia.

  • memzilla

    “Like the pro-slavery forces who invaded Kansas…"

    Civil War Allusion FAIL.

    Don't make us go all Quantrill on your ass, Huelskamp.

    Deny health services to 50% of your state's population, and you really will have "Bleeding Kansas," you misogynist asshat.

    • kilo50

      I would prefer you choose the opposing side, but that would destroy the analogy I suppose. Ossawatomie solutions as suggestion perhaps.

      • sewollef

        Me too. Particularly since Quantrill and his fellow terrorists operated with impunity behind confederate lines in Texas and elsewhere.

        And of course — as it states in Wiki — there was the mass murder in Lawrence, Kansas, the centre of of the abolitionist movement in the border region, where Quantrill's men slaughtered over 150 people and attempted to assassinate the pro-abolitionist senator.

        Quantrill's raiders were not nice people…. and it'd probably be a close call to name them the 19th century equivalent of the Mahdi Army in Iraq.

    • Steverino247

      Yeah, but it would only be bleeding, for like, five days, man.

      • tessiee

        Maybe when they act so crazy, they're just premenstrual?

  • Doktor Zoom

    And we have always been at war with Eastasia.

  • glasspusher

    They love teh poor feti, but rail against welfare for the poorz with all teh kidz.

    Also: just took my mom to the airport after a visit, had to shoot down her argument about "the poor Catholic Church under attack". Please, give me a break.

    • MadBrahms

      If it helps, my Catholic mother thinks the whole religion-under-attack thing is bullshit, and that the church should get its collective head out of vaginas and actually do something about poverty.

      Every year I think she comes closer to understanding my agnosticism.

  • hollywooddood

    Republicans should free to consider each and every one of their pregnancies a gift from God.

    When it comes to me, Republicans should also feel free to mind their own business.

    • tessiee

      How about we transplant all the unwanted Fetusii into the bodies of Republicans, and/or anti-choice folks in general?
      After all, they're not selfish and would never kill a cute li'l Disney babby for their own convenience, so they ought to be happy with that solution.

  • Guppy

    Referencing John Brown = "Second Amendment remedies."

    • glasspusher

      "Now that I've got kids, I feel a lot safer with a gun in the house"

      • Veritas78

        "Because you never know when they'll turn on you."

  • badgitator

    With friends like the Republicans, who needs enemies?

    • that is an awesome avatar

  • Doktor Zoom

    Doesn't this gentleman know that, to be a Modern Wingnut, he can't go around claiming that the War of Northern Aggression had anything to do with slavery?

    • glasspusher

      The cognitive dissonance is strong with this one…

  • mavenmaven

    I thought the "underground railroad" meant an entirely different kind of "escort" and "canal" to Republicans…

  • Rotundo_

    But shitting one's pants and yelling plays so much better to the base than calm rational debate of the facts! Why would congressman Huelskamp ever want to just be boring and discuss things like why kids in the various hues his are in don't seem to get access to healthcare nearly as much as kids who are lilly white and wealthy? It's so much easier to get the ignorant fired up and at the polls when you're screaming about the feds killing babies (as if Barry is coming down to the local Planned Parenthood and screaming from a podium "Free 'Bortions on Uncle Sucka and Me!") than to deal with those "controversial issues".

    • miss_grundy

      Now, now, don't get your shorts in a twist, don't you know that the facts would only confuse them?

  • Crank_Tango

    Hmm, so policies that make minorities poor and unable to afford birth control and/or babies are totally cool, but letting them get abortions is totally racist? I know I have to figure this out every 6 months when another retard, er, republican says it, but I just want to make sure I got that right…again.

    • PsycWench

      It is paramount that we avoid giving minorities the impression that they should think for themselves.

      • miss_grundy

        Or Republicans for that matter……

  • cheetojeebus

    How did we get here? So, this fucker decides he'd like to hold public office. He convinces some idiots to fund his campaign. He gets out there and lets the wider world know all about his inability to speak and reason. They elect him to office. He holds the office.
    It's fucking depressing.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Yeah, the bar is so low now, makes me think I should run for office.

      • Veritas78

        Trust me, you're over-qualified.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Let's hear some sample vitriolic puking from you – we'll give you an idea of your qualifications….

        • BlueStateLibel

          I'd damn my soul for all eternity if I spewed out the garbage that comes out of these cons' mouths.

      • HistoriCat

        You could start the Wonkette caucus – that would be cool.

    • One_Man_Band

      Have you ever been to Kansas? It's all little dying towns with oldz too old to leave. It's like they put Alzheimers in the water supply. I'd never heard of this guy, but some googling reveals he is from a town with a population of 590 people. Just read the wiki, it is pretty horrifying. Imagine having to live there:,_Kansas

      As an added insult, the county borders Oklahoma!

      • Toomush_Infer

        Hahahahah – Kansas City, Kansas – hahahahahahahah, whew!….hahahahaha, hic….

      • Biff

        So it's about 80 acres, or as in my rural area, maybe four blocks, and a combined earning potential, of one mini-mart. Huelskamp is probably the highest paid resident, so obviously the smartest guy in town.

        Hold me.

  • RadioX

    Mein Huelskampf

  • PsycWench

    Here you go again, listing facts like they matter or something. Wingnuts create their own reality.

    • kittensdontlie

      The reality of their childhood looms large:

      Geithner told Rep. Tim Huelskamp, Republican of Kansas, that the Congressman had an “adolescent perspective on how to think about economic policy.”—Marketwatch

  • Well if abortion is murder, and birth control is, what — carjacking, maybe? — and abstinence is the most effective form of birth control, then the conclusion is inescapable: Abstinence is Murder! Are we gonna stand for millions of Americans not having sex? No!

    • RadioX

      Your killing me here!

      • WhatTheHeck

        Why? Were you having your after-sex cigarette?

        If everyone abstained from sex, the cigarette companies would go out of business.

        • tessiee

          But if everyone quit smoking, we could all still have sex, right?

  • MonkeyMotion

    Oh for krysts sake — yet another unbelievable GOP asshole? Where the hell do they all come from? Given dumbshits like this believe the earth is 6000 years old, I shouldn't be surprised at the amount of "stupid" ceaselessly spewing from their mouths.

    Times like this make it seem best if the whole goddamm country just sinks into the goddamm ocean. Fuck it all.

    (Sorry, no mood for snark…)

    • Woodshedding

      It's darkest before dawn.

      That's what I keep telling myself. I find it needs saying approximately every 6 seconds.

  • An_Outhouse

    Huelskamp neglected to mention that Nazis were also fans of aborting non-whites. So Obama is a Nazi too, also.

    • miss_grundy

      That's what the Republican, who lives across the street from me, keeps calling the Democrats….

  • Serolf_Divad

    Little known fact: after murdering Abraham Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth was given shelter in a series of Planned Parenthood clinics as he tried, unsuccessfully, to make his way down to Fidel Castro's Cuba where he planned to seek asylum from the Communist government. It was only thanks to the tireless efforts of Frederick Douglass (whom Dr. Booth had tried to have aborted while he was still, but a babe, in his mother's womb many years earlier) that Booth was tracked down and apprehended while in the midst of performing a 3rd trimester abortion on a Cherokee woman who was due to give birth to a mulatto child. I read this in my American History for Christian Children textbook at Bob Jones high-school in Greenville, South Carolina.

    • Veritas78

      Another reezun for hoam-skooling?

    • kilo50

      That is some awesome 90 proof alternate history.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Serolf, have you entered this historical footnote into Wikipedia?
      They are looking for more historical facts such as these.

    • NYNYNYjr

      Actually, I read this book called Manhunt about the hunt for Booth. The soldier who shot Booth (while he was surrounded in a barn) did so without being given the order to shoot. The soldier, Boston Corbett, was a fanatical Christian who had self-castrated himself and wore his hair long, like Jesus. Later in life he threatened the Kansas legislature with a gun (religious reasons) was put in madhouse, then escaped and disappeared. I think maybe he is this Congressman. The wikipedia entry does not do Corbett's awesome crazy life justice, but:

      • Steverino247

        Corbett was one weird motherfucker, but making Booth suffer for two hours instead of having his neck snapped quickly is a far better outcome.

  • lochnessmonster

    They should be forced to write down what they say before they say it…whats that? You mean they do and say it anyway?

    • miss_grundy

      They should be forced to diagram each sentence that they have written. Perhaps then, they would be so busy, we wouldn't have to hear any of the garbage that comes out of their mouths.

      • lochnessmonster

        You think any of them know how to diagram a sentence?JanWhat other people think of youIs none of your business.

  • What, you're SECEDING? Oh, come ON. It's only 9 o'clock! These tuna-apple mini melts aren't going to eat themselves! Here's your hat, what's your hurry?

  • bumfug

    So much better to be like Huelskamp and adopt the little colored rascals so you can bring them up without their own inferior culture getting in the way of learning how to be a real American.

  • MadBrahms

    Fowler, KS: "The racial makeup of the city was 93.12% White, 0.18% Native American, 5.29% from other races, and 1.41% from two or more races. "

    Thank god we have brave representatives willing to put their constituents first.

    • One_Man_Band

      I googled, it, too. Per capita income is $16,788. Population 590 – sa-lute!

      • Negropolis

        Median age: 42. This town will be gone in another twenty or thirty years tops.

    • One_Man_Band

      Oh, and google street view is pretty horrifying, also, too.

    • bobbert

      So, that 0.18% Native American is one of Huelskamp's kids.

  • emmelemm

    Yes, whenever my wingnut grandfather wanted to start a fight for no reason, he'd say out of nowhere, "You know, Planned Parenthood was started by Margaret Sanger, and she was into eugenics – JUST LIKE THE NAZIS?" And yes, he dropped that "nugget of truth" many, many times, as if we'd never heard it before.

    Am I kidding? No, I'm not.

    • It's like when Republicans say black people should vote for them because Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and he freed slaves and stuff… as if wanting someone to be free from slavery and being cool with them being your equal are actually the same thing. History is complicated.

  • ElPinche

    Sometimes I just love tornados.

  • DahBoner

    “I am the adoptive father of four children, each of them either — each of them either black, Hispanic, Native American

    "But where's the jews and cripples?" — James Watt

    • tessiee

      Is James Watt allowed to say "cripples", considering how many times he shot himself in the foot?

  • poorgradstudent

    My right-wing Catholic friend who I eventually just faded out on like he was an annoying boyfriend (and in a way he was, only without the sexy fun times) would reply to that point about Planned Parenthood only spending three percent on its budget by implying that they make some kind of huge profit off of providing abortion services, which is why they've got the incentive to trick the poor dumb womenfolk into tearing out those poor fingerprint- and heartbeat-having babies.

    Honestly that – and of course madness from the best and brightest politicians from places like Nowhere, Kansas – is what makes it all so ironic for me. "Pro-life" is probably the one thing in the contemporary social conservative agenda I can understand. I don't agree by a longshot, but I can understand why someone would think abortion represents the destruction of human life, while I really can't understand things like opposition to same-sex marriage. But deranged nonsense like having to make out Planned Parenthood to be insidiously becoming millionaires off of aborted fetuses (which in a very sick but very funny way makes me think of that episode of "The Simpsons" where Homer tries to get rich by stealing grease, but anyway…) and telling me with a straight face that abortion is a deliberate racial genocide carried out with the blessing of our first black President just completely annihilates my ability to take you seriously, much less want to see you have any office more important than notary public.

    (And I know they don't give a damn if you're left of Ted Nugent and think they're completely insane, but still, it amazes and kind of frightens me that even on the one issue where I might extend a shred of sympathy the rhetoric they casually extend in everyday conversation makes me want to run away as if they just exhibited the symptoms of ebola.)

    • Boojum

      Abortion is only profitable when you sell the fetuses as barbecue and dried fetus snacks.

      • tessiee

        Bacon wrapped fetus served over a radicchio leaf on a bed of risotto, drizzled with a fetus reduction sauce.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      "Planned Parenthood to be insidiously becoming millionaires off of aborted fetuses "

      Maybe your faded friend is confusing PP with Mitt Romney?

  • Exhausted66

    But without abortions, how would Mittens and crew baptize all those aborted fetuses? Why are you anti Mormon? And Anti Jesus?

  • docterry6973

    How did an entire state gets its head so far up its ass?

  • gullywompr

    "I am incensed that this president pays money to an entity that was created for the sole purpose of killing children that look like mine."

    I wonder how he feels about a presidential candidate that collected money from an entity that was created for the sole purpose of disposing of aborted fetuses as medical waste? Oh right, that's OK, because Romney retroactively resigned to a date just before Bain Capital did that…

  • One_Man_Band

    Missouri would like to thank Kansas for making people temporarily forget about Todd Akin.

  • i think we know what the matter with kansas is. i think the key question is do we want to keep it?

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Huelskamp? How is that pronounced? FOOLS-kamp? Yeah. Makes sense.

  • dude looks like thorin oakenshield or something.

  • BarackMyWorld

    The president favors legal abortion because of racism against black people…?
    Did someone finally forget that Obama isn't white?

    • Negropolis

      But, he is! He's half white! That means he wants to kill everybody's baby! Bwahahaha.

  • coolhandnuke

    Huelskamp is reason #1 for Birther-control.

  • Left_Leftie

    I read the following in the DailyKos this morning and it is really summing it all up for me quite well.
    " . . . the substance of Romney's statements is nonsensical gibberish. But that is the modus operandi of an entire political party, the modern Republican Party."

    Are they simply trying to wear us down or drown us out with their endless stream of word-salad, bullshit?

  • MinAgain

    Deleted scene from "The Wizard of Oz":

    Dorothy: Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
    Toto: Good. 'Cause those bitches be crazy.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I think two months of the Lysistrata Solution in Kansas would see the end of this fool's position of power…how about it, ladeez….?

  • el_donaldo

    How else can we elevate the discussion from “let’s talk about policy” to “let’s shit our pants and yell”?

    Thank you, sir. That is likely the best thing that has been written on the Internets all week – that and everybody noticing that Rick Santorum said that smart people will never hold conservative values.

  • anniegetyerfun

    On one hand, at least he's the kind of wingnut who adopts children, rather than merely railing against abortion while doing NOTHING to help the abandoned kids in the US. On the other hand, there are now four children being raised by this schmuck who should have been placed in home with sane people.

  • chascates

    And as all babies look like Winston Churchill Obama and Planned UnParenthood is obviously antiAnglophile and pro-Axis as well.

  • "I am incensed that this president pays money to an entity that was created for the sole purpose of killing children that look like mine."

    Yeah, 'cause Obama's kids certainly don't look like minorities.


  • ttommyunger

    Catholic Church under attack? You mean somebody's finally knocking the Priest's dicks out of those Choirboy's asses?

  • Troubledog

    Listen, with the stock market at a 4 year high, the only people that will vote for this guy are racists and deity worshipers. I'm not surprised at the size of sharks he needs to jump to get any attention. Rick Santorum has already conceded all the smart people.

  • Troubledog

    Equally valid logic might say when white people adopt minority children, obviously their intention must be to force them into slavery around the home. So why does Obama let whites enslave minorities? It is an affront to our nation.

  • Amazing that the right wing has discovered that slavery in Amerikkka was a bad idea after thinking it was the natural things for 150 years or so.

  • Indiepalin

    If I had a son, he would look like Trayvon Huelskamp.

  • "… the new Underground Railroad: the birth canal." = 20 Pulitzers

    • Steverino247

      The solution to Huelskamp's district=20 howitzers.

  • LibrarianX

    In other news: Republicans deeply concerned about poor brown people.

  • comrad_darkness

    Shorter Huelskamp: I'm holier than thou so I get to fuck your life over.

  • Negropolis

    “I am the adoptive father of four children, each of them either — each of them either black, Hispanic, Native American,” he said. “And I am incensed that this president pays money to an entity that was created for the sole purpose of killing children that look like mine — a racist organization, and it continues specifically to target minorities for abortion destruction.”

    Those children are going to abandon his ass so fucking hard when they come of age it's not even funny. I don't want to offend, but not all adoptions are good adoptions, particularly the ones of self-righteous wingnuts.

    I can see him right now as the adoption agency…

    "I want a black one, a brown one, a red one, and a yellow one. Yes, yes, the Angelina Jolie Package. How much will that be? Are you kidding me?! Okay, okay. Put the yellow one back."

    Kansas could use another John Brown right about now…

  • Biff

    Is it possible to retroactively abort Kansas?

  • Any black folks venture an opinion on any of this? There are some in Kansas last I heard.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I read an article that I will linky once I find it again…but in short, given that the religious right wants to cut funding to things like schools, head-start, child health care, school breakfasts/lunches, etc, they are not so much pro-"life" as much as they are pro-pregnancy, and pro-birth. A fetus is a wonderful thing…a baby? Not so much.

  • valgal2342

    That woman in the photo must have graduated from the Texas Cosmetology School.

  • AznMom420

    How many presidents will it take for someone to take a stand on all these women enslaving children inside their "wahoos" and "hoohahs"??

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