Since it’s obvious that all honorable and well-compensated jobs have disappeared into a puff of Internet ether, never to return, it’s important that every American turn any brush with fame, no matter now ridiculous or humiliating, into a round of talk show appearances that can in turn be leveraged into an “instant book” and a reality show, since that’s the only route to financial solvency in America today. Monica Lewinsky had just such an ridiculous, humiliating brush with fame, but this was years ago, in the late ’90s, when the economy was great and you could still get jobs, so she never cashed in. But well, well, well, look who’s come crawling back to the publicity-horror machine and wants to write a book! Don’t worry, Monica, your timing is perfect, as Gen X needs cultural nostalgia objects to differentiate themselves from these young people who were born in, like, the late ’80s and yet are somehow old enough to be adults and have jobs and stuff.
Here is the New York Post’s breathless report!
Monica Lewinsky is shopping a top-secret book project, Page Six has exclusively learned. We’re told Lewinsky has been making the rounds with major publishers, who were all asked to sign nondisclosure agreements to take the meetings. It’s unclear who the front-runners are, but, says an insider familiar with the project, “I’m sure every major publisher was interested in hearing what she had to say.”
“Insider” is an interesting word here because it could mean “publishing insider” and be true or mean “insider in Monica Lewinsky’s entourage or maybe Monica Lewinsky herself because maybe she doesn’t have an entourage” and be essentially a negotiating ploy. But we’ll just assume that every major publisher is in fact interested in hearing what she has to say! We’ll assume that this is true because it’s 2012, and people are ready to hash over Clinton-era blowjob scandals again. In 2005, everyone would have been like, ugh, this again, no thanks, which is why Lewinsky decamped to London that year; but today, 40-year-olds can delight in telling 20-year-olds that “No, really, this was a huge deal and it was literally all anyone in politics could talk or think about for the entire year 1998.” Presumably she saw everyone on Twitter going stone cold nuts for Clinton’s sexy DNC speech and started seeing dollar signs floating around, you know?
Anyway, we are certainly not going to judge anyone from making some bank on that time when they were 22 and they blew a dude and then they could never could never get a normal job again ever. We are far too busy working on our pilot for “All Apologies,” our grunge-era nostalgia-sitcom that will be to the ’90s what “Happy Days” was for the ’50s. Who should we cast as “Curt,” the lovable depressive grunge-rocker who lives in the apartment over the protagonist family’s garage and teaches local teens that selling out is bullshit? (Monica Lewinsky has already been cast as the hot neighbor mom, obviously.) [NYP]
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Jay Leno to get new material.
No, Leno just gets to recycle slightly newer material.
Now, that would be a first….!
If Leno ever got new material he'd find a way to make it sound old.
New material, new writers, same old shitty jokes.
The 90s called … no one cares anymore, Monica.
The 90's! That's when I got my last blowjob.
I bet it called on a Motorola Flip phone.
No…it actually paged her.
It called on a car phone, weighing 15 lbs. and costing $2 a minute.
I'm sure she'll swallow it whole, just watch out for blowback.
The tour had better feature her in that blue dress…if she can still fit into it
She can put it on a blowup doll to demonstrate where the touching happened.
We are far too busy working on our pilot for “All Apologies,” our grunge-era nostalgia-sitcom that will be to the ’90s what “Happy Days” was for the ’50s.
I would watch the shit out of that.
Scary thing is, we're now about as removed from '92 as Happy Days was from the mid-50s when it first aired. Must be ripe! Pitch that sucker, Wonkette!
Fuck I feel olds.
And yeah, I'd watch it too.
Is her book scheduled for release in Cocktober, Blovember, or Dickember?
All of 'em, Katie.
We're hoping it's out before Januanal.
As Bill told her, just wait. It'll come.
Probably October, since she is apparently on the payroll of the RNC nowadays.
“Insider” is an interesting word here because it could mean “publishing insider” and be true or mean “insider in Monica Lewinsky’s entourage or maybe Monica Lewinsky herself because maybe she doesn’t have an entourage” and be essentially a negotiating ploy.
Or it might be a mishearing and this is someone who crawled up her vagina.
Or drove up there, lost their keys and wandered around for 20 years in the jungle of her pubic hair much like Lt. Hiroo Onoda.
That's not so bad. The Stones scheduled a stop on next year's tour up there.
Doesn't she ever get any young stuff?
I can't get no, wait, I did get some satisfaction. Nevermind!
Isn't that where Bill keeps his cigars?
I'm sure the Drudge Report will have some important breaking news on this.
TRIPLE SIRENZ!!!
I'm going out on a limb and guessing Linda Tripp was the inside source.
How convenient that Page Six is reporting this, since the Lewinski book will only have that many pages.
It will start: "Dear **********, I never thought it would happen to me…"
Who should we cast as “Curt,” the lovable depressive grunge-rocker who lives in the apartment over the protagonist family’s garage and teaches local teens that selling out is bullshit?
I'd like to submit my headshot and resume, and might I point out that I come with my own shotgun?
Plan on painting the walls?
I suppose that's better than using someone else's, but really, tmi.
This is a job for McConaughey.
I vote for David Schwimmer to play the dad, as long as he gets kicked in the balls every episode.
You forgot his monkey sidekick! Every
unfunnynebbish sitcom character needs an animal sidekick!They had to give him a nasty little monkey because a turtle would have been more likable than Ross.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I wouldn't want to be the gal who is forever known in history as the woman who mouthafied the Presidents wang. This whole thing started because she just couldn't keep her mouth shut in the first place.
So, we can only imply that it was good for her, too?
You'll notice that, even twenty years later, she has to finish it off on her own
If she's angling for the title of First Fellator, she's got some serious competition in Nancy, who reputedly could suck the brass knobs off the Lincoln Bedframe
If only she had held an aspirin between her lips.
I'm sure her post-Presidential dates were not much fun:
"No – I don't do that."
"Yes you do – I've read the testimony."
"OK, fine – but can you talk in a southern accent?"
(to the tune of Stormy Weather): "Don't know why, I've got lipstick on my fly, sloppy blow job."
"Lewinsky has been making the rounds with major publishers" doesn't mean what I think it means, does it?
No, barto, it doesn't. Unfortunately.
Yes, being a decade past it's tittilation-date, her book was not an easy sell.
Waiting on a call back from Ellen about appearing on her show to discuss my new memoir: "Cheeto Fingerprints On The Tivo Remote"
It's the inspiring tale of one man's rise from mom's basement to her living room couch.
I'll probably be on in the next day or two. I'll keep you posted.
If that rise is what I think it is, that is gonna be a bestseller!
Does she have to be so Blunt?
Why didn't she get the dress cleaned? That is all kinds of skank.
I'm going to hold out for "Hot Springs", the Roger Clinton Story.
This happened back in the 1990s, so there will be hairy pussies.
See my comment, above, for more details…
What the sound of a pubic hair hitting the floor?
"ptui!"
Ptui Ptui, dammit, *stops and uses fingers to remove errant hair*
Will the text also be animated, like an old Geocities or Angelfire page, accompanied by loud MIDI music?
A midi of the Hamster Dance song.
Beware the Dreaded Demi Moore Playboy photo!
Beware, hell! Fap like mad.
I hope you're right. Probably won't be any tats either.
Don't know about that. I would say the racing stripe/close trim was the style of the time. 1970s porn bush it was not.
Hot Neighbor Mom's catchphrase will be "Close, but no cigar."
(Voice of Linda Tripp offstage) "I HEARD THAT!"
The Slut diaries.Breaking the glass ceiling from your knees.Circus sword swallowing 101.Possible titles for her book.
How about: "I've had it up to here with Bill Clinton." ?
Rush? Is that you?
Will she be wearing the blue dress on the cover?
Hell, can she even get into the blue dress, anymore?
Dignity. It really is more expensive than The American Dream™.
It depends on what your definition of "writing" is.
-Bubba Clinton-
I don't think the teenager manning the McDonalds drive thru counts as Ms. Lewinsky's entourage.
I'm guessing Clinton shoved his cock in her mouth just to get the bitch to quit talking.
I hope it's a pop up book.
Close but no cigar.
*edited: Me = Close but no cigar.
Lucidamente totally beat me to that.
I never understood why she didn't do the posing-for-Playboy thing right after the whole big scandal. Sure, no photoshop at that time, but those old school airbrush artists could make a sexbomb out of a can of corn.
If she had made a million there, invested in in a few rising internet stocks, who knows where she could be now, instead of peddling a book that only a few boomers is going to be interested in?
See: Bristol Palin.
In twenty years.
Anybody seen a recent pic of Monica? My money is on "Kirstie Alley."
Too smart-seeming (I know, rite?). How about Jessica Simpson?
Actually, she seems to have grown old rather nicely
It's short notice, but maybe you could invite her to the Drinky Thing?
Why not, sounds like her current gig is "professional party girl".
Will someone just make her balloon payment and make her go away already
Maybe all of the characters in the sitcom can hang out in a club that plays exclusively Industrial music?
Don't forget that the 90's grunge rocker "Fonzie" will have to steal his act and style off the Melvins. He gets the great smack too, also.
Presumably she saw everyone on Twitter going stone cold nuts for Clinton’s sexy DNC speech and started seeing dollar signs floating around
It wasn't so much dollar signs as it was a wad of Bill's.
HUZZAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's should have been the headline
Monica to turn a wad of Bill's into a wad of bills.
Ahh…yeah, yeah. Didn't she get someone to break the other skater's leg or something, but saved the dress for years? Uhm…I think it's all coming back to me now. No, wait, maybe not…
No, she was with that Buttafucco guy.
Was he the one sticking hamsters up his ass?
Nah. I think he was the one that his wife lopped off his dick with a kitchen knife.
I thought that was Richard Gere.
My memory sucks,
I do not need to know more about the way she inhaled that cigar. Maybe she is doing a book of tips on how not to have sex with her, but I just can't imagine this is necessary. Someone else needs to fuck her so she can put Bill all behind her.
Couldn't we just let her ride your washing machine?
Ew, I like and appreciate my appliances, and as we all saw from the evidence on her clothing, she wouldn't recognize a washing machine if you sat her on one.
I think just the opposite: I think she could identify the make and year blindfolded if you sat her on one…
"Maytag….199….8? No, 9. They agitate in G#minor…
Put Bill where?
You heard me.
"Someone else needs to fuck her…" Right, good luck with that. Even Bubba, horn-dog that he is, never considered going there.
I'm sure Ken Starr is very excited about the contents of this tell-all autobiography.
Is Lucianne Goldberg still a literary agent or publisher? This book seems right up her alley.
I thought by now Monica would be safely married to a wealthy doctor or something. Maybe on an outside chance she had a career going. This book is one step above posing for a nudie magazine.
I think we've just jumped the snark.
Is there enough material for a book? "I gave Clinton a blow job a couple of times. Everybody found out about it and we were in SO MUCH TROUBLE you guys" seems long enough.
Yes, but what color was the carpet? Is there a lot of room under the President's desk? Did Socks ever walk in on you while your were doing it???
I hate it when pets walk in and stare at you while you're doing it! It's so creepy and that puts the other person out of the mood sometimes when they notice.
You know, really, why is it any kind of deal at all? Let alone a national obsession for a year? Fucking puritannical obsession with sex this country has, its completely pathological.
What about the romance?! I have never seen a romantic fiction book shorter than a zillion pages.
I get that a lot of people hate Monica — blame her for the impeachment, having to shield children from the newspapers, the 2000 election being close enough to steal, maybe even Clinton's credibility being so shot that it somehow kept him from going after Bin Laden leading to ….
But the truth is she was just a kid with a big fat crush on a willing older man.
And basically it ruined her life. She was someone who should have been married, a mid-career mom in the suburbs with a couple of stories to tell about her past. Instead she's a punchline. (I know two people who met her and both had the same experience of not being able to get the pictures out of their brains).
We can all romanticise the big dog, but his machine would have painted her as crazy if she hadn't kept the dress, and Ken Starr would have thrown her in dark little cell if she hadn't talked.
So now after having failed at everything else, sad middle-aged lady wants to cash in on the blow-job that ruined her life; I say, "Whatever."
This. So much this.
Nobody hates her…well, until she decided to write a book about the whole mess. Now, I think there's some reason to.
Personally, I hated the Republicans for making us look like assholes to the rest of the world.
She could have changed her name and sunk deeply into obscurity (anyone remember Linda Lovelace?) but as I recall, she tried very hard to capitalize on her infamy, with a line of purses or dresses or something, shortly after Clinton left office.
The Dick & Mary Jane Green Handbag, made from the fabric of Tom Green's parents's couch, is a stone classic.
Also, I think it's a sexist thing: Monica handles a President's balls, is a celebrity; Steve Bartman tries to snare a ball kind of, sort of live, & is still in hiding nine years later.
I see it as a two way street. They were both wrong. Clinton should have been screwing around at all, let alone with a frickin intern. Lewinsky was in her twenties and most women in their twenties know better than to pull up their dress and show the boss their new thong, let alone the cigar action or whatever else occurred. Monica had some serious daddy issues and shouldn't have been screwing around with her boss.
It takes two to tango, but it takes at least three to make a story out of it.
I think the people doing the most wrong were those prying into it and those encouraging the prying by their appetite for a salacious tale. Fuck, why does anyone give a shit?
Good grief, I gotta watch the typos. Clinton should NOT have been screwing around at all.
She is our tragic princess. There has got to be a Lifetime movie about how sad her life was, afterwards, with a lot of weepy music. The actress who plays the part should get an emmy, no matter how bad the whole film is. And years from now, a Monica postage stamp because, really, her story is FOREVER. Essentially, it's Giselle, without the after death scenes.
I think you may have misplace the big fat part in your previous statement.
I guess I'm still a little provincial. The man was married. When you have a big fat crush on a married man I think you keep that to yourself, Prez or not.
Lesson of the Day: Two wrongs don't make a right.
“All Apologies,” our grunge-era nostalgia-sitcom
What, no love for the rave-era '90's?
It's not like Happy Days showed what it was like to be black in 50s middle America…
Fifty Shaded of Bill?
Two Shades of Meh
I was thinking more along the lines of "50 shades of blue", but Turner and Brown are still in litigation over the copyright.
Oh those innocent, halcyon days of the 1990s when people jobs and stuff.
Big reveal in the book: She blew the president.
And took a load to the dress.
Soiler Alert!
Great! Why did you have to post the spoiler, hah?
It was a happy ending, though.
so the butler didn't do it, then?
The rest of the book is a laundry list (but no dry cleaning!) of other influential people she wished she'd gotten the chance to blow.
Oh great — a book about an affair without any actual sex. What, was she inspired by the Twilight series?
What? A whole series of books about a group of dick-shy Mormon vampires? And it sells? Fuck me runnin'.
One of my favorite moments in the Lewinsky stuff was when the State of Maryland was bringing charges against Linda Tripp for illegal wiretapping when she recorded conversations with Lewinsky. The State Court ruled that Lewinsky lied so often and with such enthusiasm that the testimony Lewinsky was supposed to give against Tripp was "bathed in impermissible taint." Do you know what it takes to get a (not crazy) judge to say that about you?
Heh. You said taint.
What a phrase…..seems more made for Paul Ryan, somehow, though….
The book will obviously have a happy ending.
Is Linda Tripp playing for Breitbart or the Packers these days?
She has a shop, Christmas themed iirc, in Middleburg, Va. It's out just past the edge of the DC suburbs, lots of money and very horsey area. She was a pretty irredeemable character in the scandal, but she's sunk back into a regular life which is a good thing.
Edit: I googled and found that it is a Christmas shop: http://thechristmassleigh.com/Merchant2/merchant….?
Somewhere in that neighborhood HAS to be Linda Tripp, phone-tappin' her ass.
If 90s nestolgia is here, does that mean my heroin habit is trendy again?
I only snort it on weekends.
Hey, that's what I tell my probation officer too!
In Riverwest Milwaukee, it never went out of style!
If I have to read this thing at all, I will definitely skip the parts where she talks about her political philosophy, love of animals, early childhood, and pretty much everything that doesn't involve poon.
Good for her. If my only claim to fame was blowing a President, I'd sure as shit want to cash in as best as possible. And sex + politics = many dineros on tell-alls. Just ask the Kennedy clan!
Seriously, getting your life ruined for giving a dude a blow job is worth at least a book deal.
Actually, it doesn't appear that her life was exactly ruined, but I'll agree that if she wants to cash in on a book deal, good for her.
I mean, if Jerome Fucking Corsi can make money selling books, why shouldn't Monica?
Who has she blown lately?
Gas.
Does this mean we get to impeach him again?
—Nostalgic Republicans
Bin Laden who?
The first time I remember being aware politics existed, it was 1996 and I was reading about Bill Clinton and Bob Dole in my third grade magazine. Bob Dole won my school's straw poll because when you're rich and white enough to send your kids to a Connecticut private school, who else ya gonna vote for?
Two years later, I heard the word "oral sex" on TV and assumed it meant the president had been caught talking dirty words to someone on the phone
This has been your Feel Old with Volpe moment of the week.
Damn, you young whippersnapper. Chez Chichikovovich this moment certainly accomplished its purpose.
I just hope you don't have any Feel Dead with Volpe moments anytime soon.
You were in 3rd grade in 1996? Thanks for making me feel old. Asshole. (I mean that in a good way.)
Wait till I tell you that I was born after Beverly Hills Cop II premiered.
Wow, you are even younger than me, and I, as previously mentioned, am a precocious 13 year-old, which might make the bar meet a little awkward.
Eh, I have kids that are younger than you. They already make me feel old.
Awww, thats so cute!
I remember thinking that at first too!
Gradually figuring out what the Lewinsky scandal was actually about, and realizing that people did that with their mouths, and conversely, with objects that were longer than they were wide, was a momentous, if tentative, step into adulthood for me.
When I think about it, I really grew up during the Lewinsky scandal, in a lot of ways.
Potential book title: "Devil in the Blowdress?"
It needs a shiny book jacket.
Wonder who owns the rights to the Sticky Fingers album cover.
With a discreet stain on the cover.
I saw this on the internets:
"President Bill Clinton worked hard for our nation and the world. He worked late into the night, on weekends and holidays. We got a full day's work out of him. He was brilliant and effective. He earned every BJ he ever got. I owe him a BJ. You owe him a BJ. Get in line."
"Monica Lewinsky has already been cast as the hot neighbor mom, obviously."
Obviously, we have different tastes in what constitutes a "hot neighbor mom".
Who does Sarah Palin have to suck to get another book deal?
Bill O'Reilly.
Man, who did she have to blow to get a sweet book deal like that?
Memories! Remember Monica's lawyer? That guy! So in over his head! It was charming. Wonder what ever became of him.
I have so much more respect for Monica Lewinski than I do for the entire Palin clan put together. I fucking mean this. She got jizzed on by Bill, then thrown under the bus by him, then slagged on by everyone on earth. This woman got totally shit on. For no good reason. Just used by the right wing to take down a popular and succesful president. Like Mongo said, just a pawn in game of life.
I'm a Gemini. AKA schizo. So, a part of me felt terrible for her back then. Tremendous imbalance of power in that 'office affair'. In such cases there is no 'willing participant' when sexual harassment is alleged.
The other part of me wondered – who the fuck saves a jizz-stained dress for future evidence? Aside from mouth, she went into this with eyes wide open.
Far from an innocent Bambi.
I am sorry but I do not think you can ever just assume what the balance of power is in a relationship. But, thats anathema I guess and why they canned the remake of Lolita.
Here's what I remember her saying back then.
"I was enamored with him. And I was excited. And I was enjoying it. "
Monica Lewinsky
She was a kid and he seduced her into blowing him. Powerful men do that shit all the time. Women do that shit all the time. For most of us, mistakes like this, whether the man or the woman, end in embarrassment and shame among our cohorts and family.
Now, Lucretia Tripp is another issue all together.
Evil cunt.
As is Lucianne Goldberg, who also managed to spawn doughy pantload Jonah Goldberg.
Will Lucianna Goldberg be co-writing this? And where has America's sweetheart, Linda Tripp, been hiding?
LOL I'm young so I don't get any of these references.
(j/k, this was right in the period when I first started becoming politically aware. Tragically.)
It's probably covered in the Fundie 'Histories'.
I hope she artfully avoided the word "is".
alas, she didn't artfully avoid the "jizz"
Blowjobs are so 90's. Today it's all about the ass-fucking.
Wait a sec – has everyone forgotten "Monica's Story," which she didn't write but in which she participated fully? I think it was written by the same guy who did Princess Diana's tell-all. What could Monica have to say that wasn't already in the earlier book? I mean, it's not like anyone cares about what she's been up to lately.
Nice jewish girl from California, was doing very well to land a White House internship, whats not to like about her? A bit zaftig, but so what!
I know I will be pilloried for this but…
Monica could have cashed in years ago and she didn't. She could have gone full wingnut and had a high paying gig on FoxNews but she didn't. She could have done lots of things that would have paid her large amounts of cash but she decided to try and get on with her life.
Writing a book is hardly the way shit works in our society if you want to cash in. The Kardashian's built an empire on the back of Kim's amazing ass and a sex tape. Somehow, whoring out your family to Ryan Seacrest's production company is acceptable but a woman who was at the center of a political storm that changed the course of history, (Yes, changed the course of history. If Bill didn't get that blowjob, Gore wins and we avoid the epic failures of George W Bush) will be dragged through the media spin cycle for the crime of getting her side of the story out. Fuck our culture. Fuck America. We're ignorant and petty and mean. We've lost the ability to separate reality from fiction. We focus our attention on middle aged divas who's only source of inspiration is the ability to manipulate a rich guy with their putrid sex organs. We bow at the feet of ignorant guido's who can't speak English. These are our heroes. Between the Real Housewives and the Jersey Shore gang, they'll earn upwards of $60-70 Million combined. Why? Because that's what we care about. These ugly and shallow people we worship are a perfect metaphor for the crassness, the indifference and the ugly soul of America circa 2012. Monica will earn maybe a million dollars from this book if that.
PaulyD will earn that in month spinning shitty hiphop tunes in Vegas.
She got 500K for telling her side in the Monika Story 1999. A million dollar contract with Jenny Craig in 2000. And every year after that she has leveraged her celebrity on one show or another. I do feel bad for her but she has made quite a cottage industry out of it.
Still ain't Snookie money.
Well, in a sense, now you're just haggling over the price.
Lisa Kudrow already did that show – "The Comeback"
(am I doing this right?)
She should have launched her own brand of cigars years ago. Duh!
That was so tame by today's sex scandal standards. Unless someone is having sex with a corpse, a midget or the corpse of a midget I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!
According to Fabrizio "Scuz" Scuzzolli, director of public affairs for Sensational Scandal Books, the publisher of Lewinsky's new book, "Devil in a Blue Dress," the book also details intimate trysts that Lewinsky had with various Congressional representatives, senators, Hill aides, committee members and secretaries; various K Street lobbyists; Gary Condit; Mark Foley; Gary Hart; at least three U.S. Supreme Court judges; two Cabinet Secretaries; Jack Abramson; Arnold Schwarzenegger; Al Gore; and Elvira. "This is one of the best D.C.-based, political sex scandal books in years," Scuzzolli said during a promotional press conference for the book that was held at Camelot, a gentleman's club, or strip club, in downtown D.C. "It's very entertaining. It's worth the $25.99 list price, let me tell you."
I was watching a 1985 episode of Doctor Who the other night and could not figure out who Peri was reminding me of. (Yeah, just try to ignore the Sixth Doctor's clown-vomit costume.) Then it struck me, although I see now that my memory mashed up the black beret and the blue dress. For about half a second I idly wondered what Monica was doing these days; now I know.
"I blew the President, and all I got was a cum stained dress. The End."
i liked the 90's.
Insider? I just met her!
Try as I might, I still simply do not care about any sex that does not involve me.
Oh yay. Monica's back. I'm going to crack open a Zima and throw some Hootie and the Blowfish on the Discman! I can't wait to see what happens on tonight's episode of "Friends."
I have heard stories of Brooklyn types unironically (really) rocking the DiscMan over the iPod. Seems thrifty, if nothing else.
The chapter "My Top Ten Fave Happy Meals Ever" is worthy of Virginia Woolf in her Tiger Beat phase.
Will it involve any of George H.W.s old CIA friends…….?
Night after night, going home frustrated………….
Oh man, that dress with the 14 year old cum stain must really smell like shit these days.
another forest awaits its demise
Poor Monica; the poster-girl for blow jobs: don't have to look at her and she can't talk.
Hard to believe that Ms. Lewinsky is now an 87 year old retired floor wax inspector with seventy grandkids. How time flies.
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