DAYS OF YORE  2:01 pm September 13, 2012

Sources: America’s Sweetheart Monica Lewinsky To Open Wide, Tell All

by Josh Fruhlinger

Simpler times, simpler timesSince it’s obvious that all honorable and well-compensated jobs have disappeared into a puff of Internet ether, never to return, it’s important that every American turn any brush with fame, no matter now ridiculous or humiliating, into a round of talk show appearances that can in turn be leveraged into an “instant book” and a reality show, since that’s the only route to financial solvency in America today. Monica Lewinsky had just such an ridiculous, humiliating brush with fame, but this was years ago, in the late ’90s, when the economy was great and you could still get jobs, so she never cashed in. But well, well, well, look who’s come crawling back to the publicity-horror machine and wants to write a book! Don’t worry, Monica, your timing is perfect, as Gen X needs cultural nostalgia objects to differentiate themselves from these young people who were born in, like, the late ’80s and yet are somehow old enough to be adults and have jobs and stuff.

Here is the New York Post’s breathless report!

Monica Lewinsky is shopping a top-secret book project, Page Six has exclusively learned. We’re told Lewinsky has been making the rounds with major publishers, who were all asked to sign nondisclosure agreements to take the meetings. It’s unclear who the front-runners are, but, says an insider familiar with the project, “I’m sure every major publisher was interested in hearing what she had to say.”

“Insider” is an interesting word here because it could mean “publishing insider” and be true or mean “insider in Monica Lewinsky’s entourage or maybe Monica Lewinsky herself because maybe she doesn’t have an entourage” and be essentially a negotiating ploy. But we’ll just assume that every major publisher is in fact interested in hearing what she has to say! We’ll assume that this is true because it’s 2012, and people are ready to hash over Clinton-era blowjob scandals again. In 2005, everyone would have been like, ugh, this again, no thanks, which is why Lewinsky decamped to London that year; but today, 40-year-olds can delight in telling 20-year-olds that “No, really, this was a huge deal and it was literally all anyone in politics could talk or think about for the entire year 1998.” Presumably she saw everyone on Twitter going stone cold nuts for Clinton’s sexy DNC speech and started seeing dollar signs floating around, you know?

Anyway, we are certainly not going to judge anyone from making some bank on that time when they were 22 and they blew a dude and then they could never could never get a normal job again ever. We are far too busy working on our pilot for “All Apologies,” our grunge-era nostalgia-sitcom that will be to the ’90s what “Happy Days” was for the ’50s. Who should we cast as “Curt,” the lovable depressive grunge-rocker who lives in the apartment over the protagonist family’s garage and teaches local teens that selling out is bullshit? (Monica Lewinsky has already been cast as the hot neighbor mom, obviously.) [NYP]

 
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{ 209 comments }

ChernobylSoup September 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Jay Leno to get new material.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm

No, Leno just gets to recycle slightly newer material.

Toomush_Infer September 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Now, that would be a first….!

SayItWithWookies September 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

If Leno ever got new material he'd find a way to make it sound old.

ChillBill September 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm

New material, new writers, same old shitty jokes.

DrunkIrishman September 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

The 90s called … no one cares anymore, Monica.

KeepFnThatChicken September 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

The 90's! That's when I got my last blowjob.

Jus_Wonderin September 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I bet it called on a Motorola Flip phone.

DrunkIrishman September 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

No…it actually paged her.

Tequila Mockingbird September 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm

It called on a car phone, weighing 15 lbs. and costing $2 a minute.

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I'm sure she'll swallow it whole, just watch out for blowback.

The tour had better feature her in that blue dress…if she can still fit into it

Not_So_Much September 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

She can put it on a blowup doll to demonstrate where the touching happened.

emmelemm September 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

We are far too busy working on our pilot for “All Apologies,” our grunge-era nostalgia-sitcom that will be to the ’90s what “Happy Days” was for the ’50s.

I would watch the shit out of that.

HogeyeGrex September 13, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Scary thing is, we're now about as removed from '92 as Happy Days was from the mid-50s when it first aired. Must be ripe! Pitch that sucker, Wonkette!

Fuck I feel olds.

And yeah, I'd watch it too.

memzilla September 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Is her book scheduled for release in Cocktober, Blovember, or Dickember?

Lucidamente1 September 13, 2012 at 2:12 pm

All of 'em, Katie.

Fare la Volpe September 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm

We're hoping it's out before Januanal.

chicken_thief September 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm

As Bill told her, just wait. It'll come.

Lascauxcaveman September 13, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Probably October, since she is apparently on the payroll of the RNC nowadays.

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

“Insider” is an interesting word here because it could mean “publishing insider” and be true or mean “insider in Monica Lewinsky’s entourage or maybe Monica Lewinsky herself because maybe she doesn’t have an entourage” and be essentially a negotiating ploy.

Or it might be a mishearing and this is someone who crawled up her vagina.

Steverino247 September 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Or drove up there, lost their keys and wandered around for 20 years in the jungle of her pubic hair much like Lt. Hiroo Onoda.

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

That's not so bad. The Stones scheduled a stop on next year's tour up there.

chicken_thief September 13, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Doesn't she ever get any young stuff?

Steverino247 September 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I can't get no, wait, I did get some satisfaction. Nevermind!

OzoneTom September 13, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Isn't that where Bill keeps his cigars?

Lucidamente1 September 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I'm sure the Drudge Report will have some important breaking news on this.

Pres.Beeblebrox September 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

TRIPLE SIRENZ!!!

ChernobylSoup September 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I'm going out on a limb and guessing Linda Tripp was the inside source.

Estproph September 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

How convenient that Page Six is reporting this, since the Lewinski book will only have that many pages.

HogeyeGrex September 13, 2012 at 3:35 pm

It will start: "Dear **********, I never thought it would happen to me…"

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Who should we cast as “Curt,” the lovable depressive grunge-rocker who lives in the apartment over the protagonist family’s garage and teaches local teens that selling out is bullshit?

I'd like to submit my headshot and resume, and might I point out that I come with my own shotgun?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 13, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Plan on painting the walls?

HogeyeGrex September 13, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I suppose that's better than using someone else's, but really, tmi.

prommie September 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm

This is a job for McConaughey.

Crank_Tango September 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I vote for David Schwimmer to play the dad, as long as he gets kicked in the balls every episode.

Tequila Mockingbird September 13, 2012 at 2:30 pm

You forgot his monkey sidekick! Every unfunny nebbish sitcom character needs an animal sidekick!

Crank_Tango September 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

They had to give him a nasty little monkey because a turtle would have been more likable than Ross.

no_gravity September 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Pics or it didn't happen.

Barbara_ September 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I wouldn't want to be the gal who is forever known in history as the woman who mouthafied the Presidents wang. This whole thing started because she just couldn't keep her mouth shut in the first place.

Steverino247 September 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

So, we can only imply that it was good for her, too?

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

You'll notice that, even twenty years later, she has to finish it off on her own

YasserArraFeck September 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

If she's angling for the title of First Fellator, she's got some serious competition in Nancy, who reputedly could suck the brass knobs off the Lincoln Bedframe

Fare la Volpe September 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

If only she had held an aspirin between her lips.

HistoriCat September 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I'm sure her post-Presidential dates were not much fun:

"No – I don't do that."
"Yes you do – I've read the testimony."
"OK, fine – but can you talk in a southern accent?"

ttommyunger September 13, 2012 at 9:07 pm

(to the tune of Stormy Weather): "Don't know why, I've got lipstick on my fly, sloppy blow job."

barto September 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

"Lewinsky has been making the rounds with major publishers" doesn't mean what I think it means, does it?

proudgrampa September 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm

No, barto, it doesn't. Unfortunately.

kittensdontlie September 13, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Yes, being a decade past it's tittilation-date, her book was not an easy sell.

Mittens Howell, III September 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Waiting on a call back from Ellen about appearing on her show to discuss my new memoir: "Cheeto Fingerprints On The Tivo Remote"

It's the inspiring tale of one man's rise from mom's basement to her living room couch.

I'll probably be on in the next day or two. I'll keep you posted.

kittensdontlie September 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

If that rise is what I think it is, that is gonna be a bestseller!

RadioX September 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Does she have to be so Blunt?

Boojum September 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Why didn't she get the dress cleaned? That is all kinds of skank.

sudsmckenzie September 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I'm going to hold out for "Hot Springs", the Roger Clinton Story.

BaldarTFlagass September 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

This happened back in the 1990s, so there will be hairy pussies.

Steverino247 September 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

See my comment, above, for more details…

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

What the sound of a pubic hair hitting the floor?

"ptui!"

BoatOfVelociraptors September 13, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Ptui Ptui, dammit, *stops and uses fingers to remove errant hair*

Tequila Mockingbird September 13, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Will the text also be animated, like an old Geocities or Angelfire page, accompanied by loud MIDI music?

Fare la Volpe September 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm

A midi of the Hamster Dance song.

prommie September 13, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Beware the Dreaded Demi Moore Playboy photo!

Steverino247 September 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Beware, hell! Fap like mad.

fishwharf September 14, 2012 at 1:20 am

I hope you're right. Probably won't be any tats either.

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Don't know about that. I would say the racing stripe/close trim was the style of the time. 1970s porn bush it was not.

Lucidamente1 September 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Hot Neighbor Mom's catchphrase will be "Close, but no cigar."

Weenus299 September 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

(Voice of Linda Tripp offstage) "I HEARD THAT!"

sbj1964 September 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

The Slut diaries.Breaking the glass ceiling from your knees.Circus sword swallowing 101.Possible titles for her book.

chicken_thief September 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

How about: "I've had it up to here with Bill Clinton." ?

anniegetyerfun September 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Rush? Is that you?

no_gravity September 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Will she be wearing the blue dress on the cover?

proudgrampa September 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Hell, can she even get into the blue dress, anymore?

KeepFnThatChicken September 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Dignity. It really is more expensive than The American Dream™.

Baconzgood September 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

It depends on what your definition of "writing" is.

-Bubba Clinton-

Trannysurprise September 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I don't think the teenager manning the McDonalds drive thru counts as Ms. Lewinsky's entourage.

BloviateMe September 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I'm guessing Clinton shoved his cock in her mouth just to get the bitch to quit talking.

I hope it's a pop up book.

Mittens Howell, III September 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Close but no cigar.

*edited: Me = Close but no cigar.

Lucidamente totally beat me to that.

Lascauxcaveman September 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I never understood why she didn't do the posing-for-Playboy thing right after the whole big scandal. Sure, no photoshop at that time, but those old school airbrush artists could make a sexbomb out of a can of corn.

If she had made a million there, invested in in a few rising internet stocks, who knows where she could be now, instead of peddling a book that only a few boomers is going to be interested in?

Native_of_SL_UT September 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm

See: Bristol Palin.

HogeyeGrex September 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm

In twenty years.

BaldarTFlagass September 13, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Anybody seen a recent pic of Monica? My money is on "Kirstie Alley."

widestanceromance September 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Too smart-seeming (I know, rite?). How about Jessica Simpson?

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Actually, she seems to have grown old rather nicely

bobbert September 13, 2012 at 5:11 pm

It's short notice, but maybe you could invite her to the Drinky Thing?

Fluffy_Kitties September 13, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Why not, sounds like her current gig is "professional party girl".

Maman September 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Will someone just make her balloon payment and make her go away already

SmutBoffin September 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Maybe all of the characters in the sitcom can hang out in a club that plays exclusively Industrial music?

Baconzgood September 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Don't forget that the 90's grunge rocker "Fonzie" will have to steal his act and style off the Melvins. He gets the great smack too, also.

SexySmurf September 13, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Presumably she saw everyone on Twitter going stone cold nuts for Clinton’s sexy DNC speech and started seeing dollar signs floating around

It wasn't so much dollar signs as it was a wad of Bill's.

Blueb4sinrise September 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

HUZZAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Native_of_SL_UT September 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm

That's should have been the headline
Monica to turn a wad of Bill's into a wad of bills.

Arkoday September 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Ahh…yeah, yeah. Didn't she get someone to break the other skater's leg or something, but saved the dress for years? Uhm…I think it's all coming back to me now. No, wait, maybe not…

SmutBoffin September 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm

No, she was with that Buttafucco guy.

Native_of_SL_UT September 13, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Was he the one sticking hamsters up his ass?

chicken_thief September 13, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Nah. I think he was the one that his wife lopped off his dick with a kitchen knife.

Native_of_SL_UT September 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I thought that was Richard Gere.
My memory sucks,

FakaktaSouth September 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I do not need to know more about the way she inhaled that cigar. Maybe she is doing a book of tips on how not to have sex with her, but I just can't imagine this is necessary. Someone else needs to fuck her so she can put Bill all behind her.

chicken_thief September 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Couldn't we just let her ride your washing machine?

FakaktaSouth September 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Ew, I like and appreciate my appliances, and as we all saw from the evidence on her clothing, she wouldn't recognize a washing machine if you sat her on one.

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I think just the opposite: I think she could identify the make and year blindfolded if you sat her on one…

"Maytag….199….8? No, 9. They agitate in G#minor…

prommie September 13, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Put Bill where?

FakaktaSouth September 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

You heard me.

ttommyunger September 13, 2012 at 9:11 pm

"Someone else needs to fuck her…" Right, good luck with that. Even Bubba, horn-dog that he is, never considered going there.

fartknocker September 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I'm sure Ken Starr is very excited about the contents of this tell-all autobiography.

Terry September 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Is Lucianne Goldberg still a literary agent or publisher? This book seems right up her alley.

I thought by now Monica would be safely married to a wealthy doctor or something. Maybe on an outside chance she had a career going. This book is one step above posing for a nudie magazine.

sudsmckenzie September 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I think we've just jumped the snark.

PsycWench September 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Is there enough material for a book? "I gave Clinton a blow job a couple of times. Everybody found out about it and we were in SO MUCH TROUBLE you guys" seems long enough.

Jus_Wonderin September 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Yes, but what color was the carpet? Is there a lot of room under the President's desk? Did Socks ever walk in on you while your were doing it???

Incitefully_Joe September 13, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I hate it when pets walk in and stare at you while you're doing it! It's so creepy and that puts the other person out of the mood sometimes when they notice.

prommie September 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm

You know, really, why is it any kind of deal at all? Let alone a national obsession for a year? Fucking puritannical obsession with sex this country has, its completely pathological.

kittensdontlie September 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

What about the romance?! I have never seen a romantic fiction book shorter than a zillion pages.

Self-Uploader September 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I get that a lot of people hate Monica — blame her for the impeachment, having to shield children from the newspapers, the 2000 election being close enough to steal, maybe even Clinton's credibility being so shot that it somehow kept him from going after Bin Laden leading to ….

But the truth is she was just a kid with a big fat crush on a willing older man.

And basically it ruined her life. She was someone who should have been married, a mid-career mom in the suburbs with a couple of stories to tell about her past. Instead she's a punchline. (I know two people who met her and both had the same experience of not being able to get the pictures out of their brains).

We can all romanticise the big dog, but his machine would have painted her as crazy if she hadn't kept the dress, and Ken Starr would have thrown her in dark little cell if she hadn't talked.

So now after having failed at everything else, sad middle-aged lady wants to cash in on the blow-job that ruined her life; I say, "Whatever."

banana_bread September 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

This. So much this.

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Nobody hates her…well, until she decided to write a book about the whole mess. Now, I think there's some reason to.

Personally, I hated the Republicans for making us look like assholes to the rest of the world.

She could have changed her name and sunk deeply into obscurity (anyone remember Linda Lovelace?) but as I recall, she tried very hard to capitalize on her infamy, with a line of purses or dresses or something, shortly after Clinton left office.

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2012 at 1:53 pm

The Dick & Mary Jane Green Handbag, made from the fabric of Tom Green's parents's couch, is a stone classic.

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Also, I think it's a sexist thing: Monica handles a President's balls, is a celebrity; Steve Bartman tries to snare a ball kind of, sort of live, & is still in hiding nine years later.

Terry September 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I see it as a two way street. They were both wrong. Clinton should have been screwing around at all, let alone with a frickin intern. Lewinsky was in her twenties and most women in their twenties know better than to pull up their dress and show the boss their new thong, let alone the cigar action or whatever else occurred. Monica had some serious daddy issues and shouldn't have been screwing around with her boss.

HogeyeGrex September 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

It takes two to tango, but it takes at least three to make a story out of it.

I think the people doing the most wrong were those prying into it and those encouraging the prying by their appetite for a salacious tale. Fuck, why does anyone give a shit?

Terry September 13, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Good grief, I gotta watch the typos. Clinton should NOT have been screwing around at all.

DemonicRage September 13, 2012 at 8:23 pm

She is our tragic princess. There has got to be a Lifetime movie about how sad her life was, afterwards, with a lot of weepy music. The actress who plays the part should get an emmy, no matter how bad the whole film is. And years from now, a Monica postage stamp because, really, her story is FOREVER. Essentially, it's Giselle, without the after death scenes.

hagajim September 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I think you may have misplace the big fat part in your previous statement.

PsycWench September 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I guess I'm still a little provincial. The man was married. When you have a big fat crush on a married man I think you keep that to yourself, Prez or not.

kittensdontlie September 13, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Lesson of the Day: Two wrongs don't make a right.

Callyson September 13, 2012 at 2:18 pm

“All Apologies,” our grunge-era nostalgia-sitcom

What, no love for the rave-era '90's?

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm

It's not like Happy Days showed what it was like to be black in 50s middle America…

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Fifty Shaded of Bill?

widestanceromance September 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Two Shades of Meh

BoatOfVelociraptors September 13, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I was thinking more along the lines of "50 shades of blue", but Turner and Brown are still in litigation over the copyright.

MozakiBlocks September 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Oh those innocent, halcyon days of the 1990s when people jobs and stuff.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 13, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Big reveal in the book: She blew the president.

hagajim September 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm

And took a load to the dress.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 13, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Soiler Alert!

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Great! Why did you have to post the spoiler, hah?

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 13, 2012 at 3:37 pm

It was a happy ending, though.

YasserArraFeck September 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm

so the butler didn't do it, then?

mrblifil September 13, 2012 at 7:59 pm

The rest of the book is a laundry list (but no dry cleaning!) of other influential people she wished she'd gotten the chance to blow.

SayItWithWookies September 13, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Oh great — a book about an affair without any actual sex. What, was she inspired by the Twilight series?

BaldarTFlagass September 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

What? A whole series of books about a group of dick-shy Mormon vampires? And it sells? Fuck me runnin'.

Terry September 13, 2012 at 2:21 pm

One of my favorite moments in the Lewinsky stuff was when the State of Maryland was bringing charges against Linda Tripp for illegal wiretapping when she recorded conversations with Lewinsky. The State Court ruled that Lewinsky lied so often and with such enthusiasm that the testimony Lewinsky was supposed to give against Tripp was "bathed in impermissible taint." Do you know what it takes to get a (not crazy) judge to say that about you?

emmelemm September 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Heh. You said taint.

Toomush_Infer September 13, 2012 at 2:56 pm

What a phrase…..seems more made for Paul Ryan, somehow, though….

BloviateMe September 13, 2012 at 2:22 pm

The book will obviously have a happy ending.

LibrarianX September 13, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Is Linda Tripp playing for Breitbart or the Packers these days?

Terry September 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

She has a shop, Christmas themed iirc, in Middleburg, Va. It's out just past the edge of the DC suburbs, lots of money and very horsey area. She was a pretty irredeemable character in the scandal, but she's sunk back into a regular life which is a good thing.

Edit: I googled and found that it is a Christmas shop: http://thechristmassleigh.com/Merchant2/merchant….?

Weenus299 September 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Somewhere in that neighborhood HAS to be Linda Tripp, phone-tappin' her ass.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

If 90s nestolgia is here, does that mean my heroin habit is trendy again?

prommie September 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I only snort it on weekends.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 13, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Hey, that's what I tell my probation officer too!

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm

In Riverwest Milwaukee, it never went out of style!

Wadisay September 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

If I have to read this thing at all, I will definitely skip the parts where she talks about her political philosophy, love of animals, early childhood, and pretty much everything that doesn't involve poon.

banana_bread September 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Good for her. If my only claim to fame was blowing a President, I'd sure as shit want to cash in as best as possible. And sex + politics = many dineros on tell-alls. Just ask the Kennedy clan!
Seriously, getting your life ruined for giving a dude a blow job is worth at least a book deal.

bobbert September 13, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Actually, it doesn't appear that her life was exactly ruined, but I'll agree that if she wants to cash in on a book deal, good for her.

I mean, if Jerome Fucking Corsi can make money selling books, why shouldn't Monica?

Goonemeritus September 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Who has she blown lately?

Fare la Volpe September 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Gas.

BaldarTFlagass September 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Does this mean we get to impeach him again?

—Nostalgic Republicans

Fare la Volpe September 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Bin Laden who?

Fare la Volpe September 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

The first time I remember being aware politics existed, it was 1996 and I was reading about Bill Clinton and Bob Dole in my third grade magazine. Bob Dole won my school's straw poll because when you're rich and white enough to send your kids to a Connecticut private school, who else ya gonna vote for?

Two years later, I heard the word "oral sex" on TV and assumed it meant the president had been caught talking dirty words to someone on the phone

This has been your Feel Old with Volpe moment of the week.

Chichikovovich September 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Damn, you young whippersnapper. Chez Chichikovovich this moment certainly accomplished its purpose.

I just hope you don't have any Feel Dead with Volpe moments anytime soon.

LibertyLover September 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

You were in 3rd grade in 1996? Thanks for making me feel old. Asshole. (I mean that in a good way.)

Fare la Volpe September 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Wait till I tell you that I was born after Beverly Hills Cop II premiered.

Incitefully_Joe September 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Wow, you are even younger than me, and I, as previously mentioned, am a precocious 13 year-old, which might make the bar meet a little awkward.

bobbert September 13, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Eh, I have kids that are younger than you. They already make me feel old.

prommie September 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Awww, thats so cute!

Incitefully_Joe September 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm

I remember thinking that at first too!

Gradually figuring out what the Lewinsky scandal was actually about, and realizing that people did that with their mouths, and conversely, with objects that were longer than they were wide, was a momentous, if tentative, step into adulthood for me.

When I think about it, I really grew up during the Lewinsky scandal, in a lot of ways.

hagajim September 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Potential book title: "Devil in the Blowdress?"

RadioX September 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm

It needs a shiny book jacket.

Blueb4sinrise September 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Wonder who owns the rights to the Sticky Fingers album cover.

bobbert September 13, 2012 at 5:23 pm

With a discreet stain on the cover.

ahnc September 13, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I saw this on the internets:
"President Bill Clinton worked hard for our nation and the world. He worked late into the night, on weekends and holidays. We got a full day's work out of him. He was brilliant and effective. He earned every BJ he ever got. I owe him a BJ. You owe him a BJ. Get in line."

chicken_thief September 13, 2012 at 2:31 pm

"Monica Lewinsky has already been cast as the hot neighbor mom, obviously."

Obviously, we have different tastes in what constitutes a "hot neighbor mom".

Jus_Wonderin September 13, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Who does Sarah Palin have to suck to get another book deal?

LibertyLover September 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Bill O'Reilly.

Nostrildamus September 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Man, who did she have to blow to get a sweet book deal like that?

AddHomonym September 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Memories! Remember Monica's lawyer? That guy! So in over his head! It was charming. Wonder what ever became of him.

prommie September 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I have so much more respect for Monica Lewinski than I do for the entire Palin clan put together. I fucking mean this. She got jizzed on by Bill, then thrown under the bus by him, then slagged on by everyone on earth. This woman got totally shit on. For no good reason. Just used by the right wing to take down a popular and succesful president. Like Mongo said, just a pawn in game of life.

Arkoday September 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I'm a Gemini. AKA schizo. So, a part of me felt terrible for her back then. Tremendous imbalance of power in that 'office affair'. In such cases there is no 'willing participant' when sexual harassment is alleged.
The other part of me wondered – who the fuck saves a jizz-stained dress for future evidence? Aside from mouth, she went into this with eyes wide open.
Far from an innocent Bambi.

prommie September 13, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I am sorry but I do not think you can ever just assume what the balance of power is in a relationship. But, thats anathema I guess and why they canned the remake of Lolita.

pdiddycornchips September 13, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Here's what I remember her saying back then.

"I was enamored with him. And I was excited. And I was enjoying it. "
Monica Lewinsky

She was a kid and he seduced her into blowing him. Powerful men do that shit all the time. Women do that shit all the time. For most of us, mistakes like this, whether the man or the woman, end in embarrassment and shame among our cohorts and family.

James Michael Curley September 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Now, Lucretia Tripp is another issue all together.

prommie September 13, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Evil cunt.

ttommyunger September 13, 2012 at 9:16 pm

As is Lucianne Goldberg, who also managed to spawn doughy pantload Jonah Goldberg.

LibertyLover September 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Will Lucianna Goldberg be co-writing this? And where has America's sweetheart, Linda Tripp, been hiding?

Incitefully_Joe September 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

LOL I'm young so I don't get any of these references.

(j/k, this was right in the period when I first started becoming politically aware. Tragically.)

Blueb4sinrise September 13, 2012 at 2:46 pm

It's probably covered in the Fundie 'Histories'.

Jus_Wonderin September 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I hope she artfully avoided the word "is".

YasserArraFeck September 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

alas, she didn't artfully avoid the "jizz"

Guppy September 13, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Blowjobs are so 90's. Today it's all about the ass-fucking.

loudfan September 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Wait a sec – has everyone forgotten "Monica's Story," which she didn't write but in which she participated fully? I think it was written by the same guy who did Princess Diana's tell-all. What could Monica have to say that wasn't already in the earlier book? I mean, it's not like anyone cares about what she's been up to lately.

prommie September 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Nice jewish girl from California, was doing very well to land a White House internship, whats not to like about her? A bit zaftig, but so what!

pdiddycornchips September 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I know I will be pilloried for this but…

Monica could have cashed in years ago and she didn't. She could have gone full wingnut and had a high paying gig on FoxNews but she didn't. She could have done lots of things that would have paid her large amounts of cash but she decided to try and get on with her life.
Writing a book is hardly the way shit works in our society if you want to cash in. The Kardashian's built an empire on the back of Kim's amazing ass and a sex tape. Somehow, whoring out your family to Ryan Seacrest's production company is acceptable but a woman who was at the center of a political storm that changed the course of history, (Yes, changed the course of history. If Bill didn't get that blowjob, Gore wins and we avoid the epic failures of George W Bush) will be dragged through the media spin cycle for the crime of getting her side of the story out. Fuck our culture. Fuck America. We're ignorant and petty and mean. We've lost the ability to separate reality from fiction. We focus our attention on middle aged divas who's only source of inspiration is the ability to manipulate a rich guy with their putrid sex organs. We bow at the feet of ignorant guido's who can't speak English. These are our heroes. Between the Real Housewives and the Jersey Shore gang, they'll earn upwards of $60-70 Million combined. Why? Because that's what we care about. These ugly and shallow people we worship are a perfect metaphor for the crassness, the indifference and the ugly soul of America circa 2012. Monica will earn maybe a million dollars from this book if that.
PaulyD will earn that in month spinning shitty hiphop tunes in Vegas.

Goonemeritus September 13, 2012 at 3:14 pm

She got 500K for telling her side in the Monika Story 1999. A million dollar contract with Jenny Craig in 2000. And every year after that she has leveraged her celebrity on one show or another. I do feel bad for her but she has made quite a cottage industry out of it.

pdiddycornchips September 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Still ain't Snookie money.

bobbert September 13, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Well, in a sense, now you're just haggling over the price.

BartStarrland September 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Lisa Kudrow already did that show – "The Comeback"
(am I doing this right?)

RuinedLiver September 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm

She should have launched her own brand of cigars years ago. Duh!

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 13, 2012 at 3:05 pm

That was so tame by today's sex scandal standards. Unless someone is having sex with a corpse, a midget or the corpse of a midget I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!

thefrontpage September 13, 2012 at 3:06 pm

According to Fabrizio "Scuz" Scuzzolli, director of public affairs for Sensational Scandal Books, the publisher of Lewinsky's new book, "Devil in a Blue Dress," the book also details intimate trysts that Lewinsky had with various Congressional representatives, senators, Hill aides, committee members and secretaries; various K Street lobbyists; Gary Condit; Mark Foley; Gary Hart; at least three U.S. Supreme Court judges; two Cabinet Secretaries; Jack Abramson; Arnold Schwarzenegger; Al Gore; and Elvira. "This is one of the best D.C.-based, political sex scandal books in years," Scuzzolli said during a promotional press conference for the book that was held at Camelot, a gentleman's club, or strip club, in downtown D.C. "It's very entertaining. It's worth the $25.99 list price, let me tell you."

finette_ September 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I was watching a 1985 episode of Doctor Who the other night and could not figure out who Peri was reminding me of. (Yeah, just try to ignore the Sixth Doctor's clown-vomit costume.) Then it struck me, although I see now that my memory mashed up the black beret and the blue dress. For about half a second I idly wondered what Monica was doing these days; now I know.

Antispandex September 13, 2012 at 3:25 pm

"I blew the President, and all I got was a cum stained dress. The End."

fuflans September 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

i liked the 90's.

JimNauseam September 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Insider? I just met her!

glamourdammerung September 13, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Try as I might, I still simply do not care about any sex that does not involve me.

ingloriousbytch September 13, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Oh yay. Monica's back. I'm going to crack open a Zima and throw some Hootie and the Blowfish on the Discman! I can't wait to see what happens on tonight's episode of "Friends."

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I have heard stories of Brooklyn types unironically (really) rocking the DiscMan over the iPod. Seems thrifty, if nothing else.

TribecaMike September 13, 2012 at 5:14 pm

The chapter "My Top Ten Fave Happy Meals Ever" is worthy of Virginia Woolf in her Tiger Beat phase.

dennis1943 September 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Will it involve any of George H.W.s old CIA friends…….?

dennis1943 September 13, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Night after night, going home frustrated………….

mrblifil September 13, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Oh man, that dress with the 14 year old cum stain must really smell like shit these days.

rocktonsam September 13, 2012 at 8:37 pm

another forest awaits its demise

ttommyunger September 13, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Poor Monica; the poster-girl for blow jobs: don't have to look at her and she can't talk.

TribecaMike September 15, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Hard to believe that Ms. Lewinsky is now an 87 year old retired floor wax inspector with seventy grandkids. How time flies.

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