FREEDOM...BUT ONLY THE RIGHT KIND OF FREEDOM  11:00 am September 16, 2012

Fun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian ‘World History & Cultures’ Textbook (Part 3)

by Doktor Zoom

Pagan babies! Get your pagan babies here!It’s another exciting installment of our Sunday visits to Planet Earth as portrayed in Christianist textbooks! We’re continuing to mine a 10th-grade text, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed. (A Beka Book, 1997) for all the snark it can yield. As we learned last week, the most important events in European history involved the “perversion” of True Biblical Christianity by the “Church of Rome” and the eventual triumph of the Protestant Reformation. This week: Fun with Church and State!

You know what the Christian Right likes? (OK, besides “rentboys.”) That’s right: Freedom! That’s what the Reformation was all about, remember, the sacred right to read the Bible for yourself and get your salvation straight from the word of God. So of course it follows that political freedom is good, too … unless, maybe, things get unruly.

After his break with Rome, Martin Luther was approached by German peasants who “hoped that the preaching of true, scriptural Christianity in Germany would…influence the feudal lords to treat the peasants more justly” (p. 257) Luther, in response to a petition from clergy on the peasants’ behalf, urged the nobles to reform, but

  • To the peasants, however, Luther advised patience. Violence and revenge would only make matters worse, bringing disorder and more tyranny. He wrote:

    If wrong is to be suffered, it is better to suffer it from rulers than that the rulers suffer it from their subjects. For the mob has no moderation, and knows none … It is better to suffer wrong from one tyrant, that is, from the ruler, than from unnumbered tyrants, that is, from the mob.

    [The] peasants were not at all satisfied with Luther’s response; they felt he had betrayed them. Luther’s language had been strong, but he was trying to make it clear that Christianity must not be thought of as a revolutionary political movement. Spiritual freedom does not always guarantee political or economic freedom” (p. 257).

We’re not sure whether this warning about the need for good Christians to quietly put up with tyranny precludes them from taking Second Amendment solutions to Obamacare, but to be fair, it’s possible that not even Martin Luther could have forseen the awful tyranny of a government making people buy health insurance.

For all of World History’s worries about doctrinal purity, it is remarkably blasé about the very worldly motivations for the Reformation’s arrival in England. It acknowledges that Henry VIII was looking for a hot younger wife in Anne Boleyn, but since “England was ripe for spiritual reformation” and the “break with Rome was a necessary first step in the English Reformation,” the textbook’s editors seem willing to give a pass to Henry’s randy johnson.

After all, “only a strong king like Henry VIII could take such drastic measures.” His worst excesses were, of course, doctrinal:

  • Despite the progress made under Henry VIII, the fact remained that the English king simply replaced the pope… [and took] complete control of English religion and politics. He ruthlessly suppressed pro-Romanist rebels … [but] he basically agreed with the Roman church on doctrine and practice. In fact, Henry had Parliament pass legislation making much Roman doctrine, including transubstantiation, the official belief of the Church of England (pp. 264-265).

The six wives and the tyranny? (The heads. You’re looking at the heads. Sometimes he goes too far. He’s the first one to admit it.) Sure, a bit tyrannical. But the Romish trappings of the Church of England? NOT COOL, DUDE.

OK, so you know where all this Church of England stuff is headed: Puritanism, yay! Under Charles I,

  • Dissenting Puritans experienced severe persecution at the hands of both royal and church officials, suffering imprisonment, whipping, branding, and other abuses. Many Puritans left England at this time; in fact, some who had feared such persecution had already taken refuge in America, where they established the colony of Massachusetts in 1630.

Where they proceeded to persecute other Christians who didn’t do God right, especially those awful Quakers. Oddly, World History doesn’t mention that stuff at all; we strongly recommend you read Sarah Vowell’s The Wordy Shipmates for some excellent history and commentary, such as this gem from Vowell’s discussion of John Winthrop’s shipboard sermon on departing from England for the New World (best known for its “city upon a hill” metaphor, which didn’t include the word “shining” — it took a Reagan to add that propaganda):

Because of the “city upon a hill” sound bite, “A Model of Christian Charity” is one of the formative documents outlining the idea of America. Dig deep into its communitarian ethos and it reads more like an America that might have been, an America fervently devoted to the quaint goals of working together and getting along. Of course, this America does exist. It’s called Canada.

World History skips over those early years of the New England colonies in its hurry to get to the Great Awakening, that outburst of revivalism from the 1730s to 1750s that gave us Jonathan Edwards and his cheerful sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.” The textbook takes at face value Edwards’ own 1734 report of the revival campaign’s success:

  • The tavern was soon empty. People had done with their quarrels, backbiting, and intermeddling with other men’s matters…. It was a time of joy in families on account of salvation being brought unto them; parents rejoicing over their children as new born, and husbands over their wives, and wives over their husbands (p. 328).

The sourcing on that “empty tavern” story seems questionable, but we’re just spoilsports that way. Never ones to miss an opportunity to prove that America Is A Christian Nation, the editors close this chapter with a claim that takes pains not to overreach one single bit:

  • By the end of the Great Awakening, America was ready to face the hardships of war and the challenge of founding a new nation. Spiritual revival had prepared the people with a new appreciation for religious liberty and a greater understanding of the principles of political liberty…

    The American people felt a sense of unity and responsibility, characteristics they would need to stand together against the tyranny of the mother country (p 329).

Well, there you go. History really is much simpler and easy to understand when you reduce it to the story of how God arranged things so that America would eventually happen.

Next Week: Why the American Revolution was awesome, and the French Revolution was terrible. (Hint: Blame the Enlightenment and humanism…and, sure, the Church of Rome, of course.)

 
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{ 325 comments }

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 11:05 am

If God created man in his own image how come we're not invisible?

no_gravity September 16, 2012 at 11:11 am

Also, how come there's not 3 of each one of us?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 16, 2012 at 11:18 am

The same reason Winston saw 5 fingers.

weejee September 16, 2012 at 11:27 am

By George he's got it!!

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Aw, now I haz a sad.

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I see everything thrice.

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Only when I do the drinky thingy….

Geminisunmars September 16, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I see G-d all the time. She's, uh, umm, oh never mind.

WhatTheHeck September 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

If God created man in his own image how come we're not invisible?

Well, Mitt’s wealth is invisible and that’s good enough for me not to question the Bible, and, btw, only people like you, lacking in faith, can’t see us as the ghosts we really are.

I’m invisible, I tells ya.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

"Mitt’s wealth is invisible"

Only to the IRS.

WhatTheHeck September 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

The IRS and people who think he’s one of them.

compound_i September 16, 2012 at 2:38 pm

"God made man, but He used a monkey to do it."

PsycWench September 16, 2012 at 2:55 pm

How come I lack smiting ability?

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Because you don't have a Christian militia to do it for you? I have spiting ability and employ it from time to time…smiting, well that usually requires the use of my old friend Louisville Slugger..

I'm pretty much sure our invisible lord who takes no form and whom we never have any evidence of existing aside from his/her fervent believers likes to "tell" them to go smite people…or what you psychologists call paraniod schizophrenia.

memzilla September 17, 2012 at 12:46 am

Part of me wonders why people think I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 12:00 am

But, we do look like the Christian god: angry, mean, brutal, jealous and needy, oh, so very, very needy.

AlterNewt September 16, 2012 at 11:05 am

I'm not buying it. This God guy is just making shit up as he goes along.

FakaktaSouth September 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm

But ya know, I have found a way to deal with this, I say, lets all just get drunk on Sunday. It really does work. Join me, people of reason, it's way better and so so so much fun.

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Good Afternoon!

AlterNewt September 16, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I find your argument compelling, FS.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 16, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Sure…and if anyone complains you can just say "jesus has a lot o' blood to share" before belching in their faces, which is in the parlance of Chris Christy how you say hello as well as goodbye.

no_gravity September 16, 2012 at 11:07 am

Looks like Martin Luther was a 1%er.

HogeyeGrex September 16, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I didn't think they had Harleys back then.

MinAgain September 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Well, he certainly had the anti-Semiticism down pat.

Juan_Oriley September 16, 2012 at 11:09 am

Cardinal Wosley got a bad rap.

Beetagger September 16, 2012 at 11:10 am

I see words but I can't make my brain try to read them. Much like the bible itself.

OkieDokieDog September 16, 2012 at 11:11 am

Needz moar witch burnings… for freedom!

weejee September 16, 2012 at 11:29 am

Luther had the same idea for the Jews.

First, to set fire to their synagogues or schools and to bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them. This is to be done in honor of our Lord and of Christendom
Martin Luther

kittensdontlie September 16, 2012 at 12:07 pm

And witches boiled in oil, are called freedom fries.

WhatTheHeck September 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Mmmmm. Deep-fried witch on a stick. Early Christian fast food.

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I prefer my witches flame broiled… gotta watch my figure.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm

I prefer my witches covered in oil, and smoking hot.

Veritas78 September 16, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I have trouble imagining Mitt Romney as anything but a dick, but I can see him as a phony, self-righteous Puritan. So, it fits.

Toomush_Infer September 16, 2012 at 5:50 pm

With a new book brought forth from the savages for a new nation…

WordSaladNation September 16, 2012 at 11:11 am

I am doing my graduate school thesis on exactly this subject. I've ordered the textbook and think that it will prove very useful. Thanks, Wonkette!

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 11:32 am

you'll probably want to make sure you get the 2010 revision, which is supposed to be largely the same, but goes up through the election of Obama. (I'm looking on ebay for that one myself)

BarackMyWorld September 16, 2012 at 11:34 am

You're writing a thesis on mental illness and self-delusion?

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm

especially if the thesis contains sections describing teabaggers and conservatives…that topic alone is worth a multi-volume encyclopedia of stupidity, mental illness and self-delusion.

Fare la Volpe September 16, 2012 at 12:12 pm

You might want to leave out the parts about skullfucking in the final draft.

trampndirtdown September 16, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Leave teh buttsechs in for extra credit.

Veritas78 September 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm

And the bag of lightly-salted poisoned rat dicks! Footnote this, though.

cobweb2 September 16, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I, too, was going to order the text book because I can't wait for Wonkette's next week's critique, but the prices on Amazon and Ebay suggest that the novel has become a cult classic collectible which is out of my reach.

WordSaladNation September 16, 2012 at 9:33 pm
Doktor Zoom September 17, 2012 at 12:38 am

Oh, dear. I TOL' ya to get the third edition, but did you listen?

Have fun! It realy is madness :D

WordSaladNation September 17, 2012 at 7:36 am

Couldn't find the third edition for less than one million whore diamonds, so I had to settle for the 1997 edition…HOWEVER, I'm going to try to buy up a few of these Christian tomes for the thesis, so I will definitely make sure to get one that's been updated since The Great Satan was elected.

PsycWench September 16, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Make sure you work "illusion of control", "cognitive dissonance", "confirmation bias" and my personal favorite here, "false consensus bias" into the thesis. Because these books exemplify each and every one.

AlterNewt September 16, 2012 at 11:14 am

Luther did enjoy his renown.

“If I break wind in Wittenberg they smell it in Rome.”

Biff September 16, 2012 at 11:27 am

Damn, I miss that joint…

AlterNewt September 16, 2012 at 11:47 am

Jesus God!

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Good Lord! What in the name of the virgin (Riley?) IS that place?

Biff September 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

It's where Joe Bob Briggs ended up, but closed in 2008. Sadly.

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 2:52 pm

What the hell is Joe Bob up to these days? His first collection of columns was a formative influence on my appreciation of cheesy movies.

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 11:16 am

If you are over the age of 6 yrs old,and still have an imaginary,invisible friend that you talk with;you are delusional,and need professional help.

AlterNewt September 16, 2012 at 11:20 am

Well, my invisible friend is a hawt psychologist lady and she says everything's just fine.

Biff September 16, 2012 at 11:28 am

All of my imaginary friends are right here at Wonkette.

Jus_Wonderin September 16, 2012 at 11:40 am

.

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

T

Calapine September 16, 2012 at 11:50 am

But we aren't your friends, we hate you!

Beowoof September 16, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I know, but I still come here and say mean shit about people who need it. I do that for my own venting. And my friends here in Rochester need a walk.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Group hug!

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm

{HUG}

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Are you mocking Michelle Bachmann?

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm

haha, same thought. I was also thinking about her penchant for surrounding herself with closeted gay guys whom she insists are heterosexual (they're just…fascinated by gay buttsecks) alongside this sort of nuttery as part and parcel for her burgeoning insanity plea…

BoatOfVelociraptors September 16, 2012 at 11:16 am

I can't wait for the Templar vs Assassins angle.

Mo Hawk, Mo Problems.

eggsacklywright September 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

Church of England. Hmph. When do we get the Church of America? I know the wingnuts are working on it, but, time's a-wastin'.

Biff September 16, 2012 at 11:29 am

That's LDS, in a nutsacshell.

sati_demise September 16, 2012 at 9:54 pm

the Church of America is on cable TV every day

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 12:08 am

We already have a Church of America; it's called the Southern Baptist Convention.

eggsacklywright September 16, 2012 at 11:18 am

I'm voting for Cardinal Sin.

weejee September 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

Have you though of becoming an acolyte at your local cathedral when the Bishop is saying mass?

eggsacklywright September 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

Maybe. If I knew what an acolyte was. Is it like an electrolyte?

weejee September 16, 2012 at 11:57 am

Shockingly so. When you bend over to light the candle putting your cathode in the air, the Cardinal's anode will come a calling and there will be ions for daze.

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Also, though there's no good copy of it online, Chas Addams' cartoon: "So there's a cardinal in the bird feeder. Big Deal!"

ProgressiveInga September 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

Cardinal/Venal 2016!

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"Cardinal Sin"

Leave those birds alone, you deviate!

weejee September 16, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Is that what ♪ Rockin' Robin ♪ was about??

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I thought "Rockin' Robin" was about having a song with a flute solo that was awesome and did not suck.
"Hocus Pocus", perhaps less so.

Lascauxcaveman September 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

YOU DON"T LIKE "Hocus Pocus"?

You are dead to me.

weejee September 16, 2012 at 2:29 pm

My God tessie, then guess you didn't learn your scriptures from Jethro Tull?

new_pic_for_NEWTer September 16, 2012 at 1:25 pm

But what about Cardinal Fang? or even dare I say Cardinal Biggles? No one expects, etc.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 2:35 pm

"or even dare I say Cardinal Biggles?"

What, Dr. Evil's cat?

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Imma go with Cardinal Numbers.

Dashboard Buddha September 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I like Cardinal Directions.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 16, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I like Cardinal wins over USC.

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 8:51 am

I hate Cardinal wins over Patriots.

fartknocker September 16, 2012 at 11:19 am

"Spiritual freedom does not always guarantee political or economic freedom."

So this is why abstinence is such a great policy for controlling the creation of babies, but the act of legitimate rape allows the woman to produce enzymes that kill the zygote, so no abortion should be allowed. I guess a woman's reproductive rights don't meet the spiritual, political or economic criteria being bloviated in this text book.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 16, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Now you're getting it! Also notice the more than slight observation that we should let our wealthy betters do as they please because we cannot handle power as responsibily as they can. It's like every bullshit authoritarian justification roled up in one, "god wills it!"

chascates September 16, 2012 at 11:21 am

Oh mighty Doktor, is there some country somewhere that isn't ate up with teh religionz? Some place where people are not judged by the ferocity of their Invisible Space Giant or by the degree to which they would be wiling to kill heretics/unbelievers? Or at least tell me of some place where the custom is not to ever discuss one's cosmic origin anxieties in public!

weejee September 16, 2012 at 11:47 am

Hi chascates, glad to see you back. Hope you were having fun these past weeks.

chascates September 16, 2012 at 11:59 am

Greetings! My internet access was cut off for lack of payment and I had to rely on my fairy godmother to help me. Life without the internet is shamefully dull. Caught up on much reading however.

Blueb4sinrise September 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

Searching….
http://exoplanet.eu/

chascates September 16, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Although the Mormon and Scientology planets are to be avoided I suppose.

Blueb4sinrise September 16, 2012 at 12:47 pm
IndianaKevin September 17, 2012 at 7:58 am

Looks like it needed eatin'.

Biff September 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm

My skymap app doesn't list any of those!

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 11:56 am

Sweden.

proudgrampa September 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Antarctica?

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 12:12 am

Yeah, the place is called Sweden. I'd say Scandanavia as a whole, but Norway seems to have a conservative religious streak that runs through a lot of it.

Juan_Oriley September 16, 2012 at 11:23 am

What do the wingnuts think of Sir Thomas More? The papists went and beatified him.

Chichikovovich September 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

His policy of sentencing Lutherans to be burned at the stake (back when Henry and the pope were still BFFs) probably got him de-friended on Christianist Facebook.

Juan_Oriley September 16, 2012 at 11:43 am

See, that would be a fun angle to play, but I don't know if our Paul Ryan/Bill Donahoe papists are up on their Henry VIII hatred.

viennawoods13 September 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

You beat me to it.

eggsacklywright September 16, 2012 at 11:40 am

Beatified!? Did he survive?

viennawoods13 September 16, 2012 at 11:42 am

Probably not good. after all, he had no problem with burning heretics at the stake.

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 11:54 am

Burnt heretic yummy!

Biff September 16, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Good sammich!

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 12:12 pm

He gets only a brief mention: "Although More never joined the Protestant Reformation, he urged the church to reform the clergy and correct certain doctrines. More was later executed by King Henry VIII after opposing the king's actions against the church."

So, for this textbook, a man for very few seasons.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2012 at 6:06 am

Cut from the team after a late season call-up.

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm

The papist beatified him? Sounds dirty…and gay.

Troubledog September 16, 2012 at 11:23 am

Not a word about Dr. Pepper.

weejee September 16, 2012 at 11:50 am

Gotta wait 'til 10:00. Or is it 2:00 or 4:00?

Harrison Wintergreen September 17, 2012 at 1:05 pm

All of 'em, Katie.

ChernobylSoup September 16, 2012 at 11:25 am

Where's the part about killing the natives or was America devoid of humans at the time?

Juan_Oriley September 16, 2012 at 11:49 am

The mormons have explained that beautifully, I think. I've never read their crap.

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm

First experiments in the use of biological warfare: giving small pox laden blankets to the natives…seems a bit unChristianlike to me….

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 12:13 am

Oh, but it is so very Christian. They were sharing, 'cause sharing is caring.

ProgressiveInga September 16, 2012 at 11:27 am

Can not WAIT for the christianists take on Nuns on the Bus…..

freakishlywrong September 16, 2012 at 11:28 am

Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ. These People.

IndianaKevin September 17, 2012 at 7:59 am

I love some of the middle names he went by.

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 11:28 am

Ignorance,Superstition,Fear,Violence,Hatred,Bigotry,Backwardness,Misogyny,and intolerance these are the people of faith.One need only see the news in the middle east with the moozies representing for all to see.

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 12:14 am

Honestly, can you quit this? You've made your point on numerous occassions. This is almost the other side of the coin of religious bigotry.

sbj1964 September 17, 2012 at 1:20 am

I do not agree.If people of faith claim that they are one thing,and act contrary to their own set of moral standards they should be ridiculed.Whether Muslim,Christian,Jew,or any one of thousands of other cults.I hold them in contempt only because they act contemptible.They're ancient tombs contain some of the most vile,evil,ignorant,and murderous things ever set to print.They are a curse upon the race of man.And how can anyone defend the indefensible acts committed by the people of faith?

Troubledog September 16, 2012 at 11:30 am

Also, what have the bloody Romans ever done for us?

Beowoof September 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Pasta?

larrylinn September 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

All right… all right… but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order… what have the Romans done for us?
In Short they gave us Monty Python.

Rotundo_ September 16, 2012 at 3:09 pm

And for that alone, they have my undying gratitude. But we did sort of have to re-discover all that good stuff since the church was hell bent on destroying knowledge as if it were the root of all evil.

Fare la Volpe September 16, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Pedophilia! No, that's the Greeks…

Nothingisamiss September 16, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Splitter!

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Several generations down the line… Me?

Geminisunmars September 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Well, in that case, all is forgiven.

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Numerals?

HistoriCat September 16, 2012 at 8:45 pm

(Letters on screen for about 1.5 seconds)
"was that XXIV or XXXVI? When was this show made? Damn it!"

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Well, they had more than one God to mess around with them… the Christians only have one….

compound_i September 16, 2012 at 2:54 pm

the Aqueduct?

Chichikovovich September 16, 2012 at 11:32 am

Did they mention that Henry VIII was granted the title "Defender of the Faith" from Pope Leo X because of a pamphlet Henry published, excoriating Luther?

Serious question: given the stance on political revolution, and their distaste for Charles I, how do they handle Oliver Cromwell's puritans and the regicide at the end of the civil war?

viennawoods13 September 16, 2012 at 11:43 am

Well, God WAS telling them what to do, unlike the false god who was telling Chuckles and his buddies what to do.

Biff September 16, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Gog and Magog libel!

smitallica September 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

Like they've ever even heard of Henry VIII, Pope Leo X, Cromwell, the English Civil War, or for that matter, England.

Juan_Oriley September 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

Pastor Cletus says the KJV is the direct word of god, that is all you need to know.

Biff September 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm

What sayeth St. SkoalRebel?

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Actually, yes, they mention the "Defender of the Faith" thing.

Charles just pushed good Christians too far. After Charles "instigated a royalist rebellion and a war with Scotland" to regain his crown, Cromwell simply was "determined to be rid of him once and for all." The text simply notes that Cromwell threw the conservatives out of Parliament, deposed the king, and then the Rump Parliament convicted Charles of treason and had him beheaded. They're also not too worried about the Protectorate, noting that "many people viewed the new government as a military dictatorship rather than a republic." Also, too:

As "Lord Protector," [Cromwell] gained powers that not even James I or Charles I could have had. On the other hand, Cromwell rarely exercised these powers. Instead, he concentrated on maintaining peace and order in England, promoting religious toleration, and defending the country from foreign powers.

So, yeah, a little bit of dictatorship is OK as long as order is maintained. These fuckers don't mind tyrants who are also Bible-believing Christians.

Also, the Restoration worked because "the fear that Romanism might be reimposed was enough to bring Englishmen together."

Biff September 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

That's not how I read it in The History of Scotland as 'splained by Mel Gibson. FREEEEDOOOOM!

Fare la Volpe September 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

A little bit of dictatorship is OK as long as order is maintained.

Well at least the trains coaches run on time.

Chichikovovich September 16, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Yes – if the tyrants are Bible-believing Christians and the massacres they commit are of Catholics, like the massacres at Drogheda, Wexford, and other entertainments of Cromwell's Irish Adventure.

Full props to Ollie on the religious toleration front, though. Inviting Jews to settle in England was huge.

Edit: Though now that I think of it, Cromwell spent almost the entire first year of the 9 years he ruled to Commonwealth pacifying Ireland in a most bloody way. I observe that this does not seem well described by any of "maintaining peace and order in England", "promoting religious toleration", or "defending the country from foreign powers".

AlterNewt September 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm

You are right. And either way, only the God they all claim could weigh all of their righteous killing in the balance. Happy Sabbath.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:21 pm

"pacifying [...] in a most bloody way"

I seest what thou hast done there.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I have a feeling they'd read as far as "Rump Parliament" and start giggling.

kittensdontlie September 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm

In regards to Luther, I read about the Worm Diet and started wriggling.

Jus_Wonderin September 16, 2012 at 11:34 am

"Wouldn't this be a great time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth quite like Bebop-A-Reebop Rhubarb Pie."

OkieDokieDog September 16, 2012 at 11:48 am

The overly religious need a 50 gallon drum of ketchup with its natural mellowing agents on top of their slices.

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Natural mellowing agent = High fructose corn syrup

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"Bebop-A-Reebop Rhubarb Pie."

Now I'm hungry AND want to swing dance.

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

Dear Wonkette: please quit trying to educate me. I am here for revenge, a good laugh or snark. I don't want to change the world, just influence it in a bad way….My other problem is that I am so intelligent, well-read and wise, that my brain is full to the brim. For me to learn something new would require me to forget something just to make room. Hell, it might be a PIN number, then where would I be? Also, keep it short; fuckwads like me have a very short attention sp…..Oh look, a squirrel!!!

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 11:57 am

The long articles tend to effect my AD?? something or other.

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Me three!Sent from my iPhone

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Better your AD than your "ED" I suppose…
;-)

soeoho September 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Many words hurt ouch . . . . squirrel?!

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I am a simple man: loose shoes, tight pussy and a warm place to shit ;)Sent from my iPhone

Rotundo_ September 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm

And yet, our government refuses to quantify a minimum daily requirement for those essentials of life. Heavy sigh, I guess it doesn't really belong in the food pyramid, but dammit there should be MDR specified for these things too! and assistance for procuring them for the financially challenged!

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 3:17 pm

All in good time.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

iamrrm September 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

The articles could just consist of random letters, such as a monkey might type, along with a smattering of cuss words. I'm only here to read the comments anyway.

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Same here. When I sits, I sits loose, when I works, I works hard and when I thinks, I falls asleep.Sent from my iPhone

IndianaKevin September 17, 2012 at 8:03 am

Reminds me of something whose source escapes me: Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits.

ttommyunger September 17, 2012 at 8:16 am

Both oldies but goodies.

no_gravity September 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I don't mind the educamation. It's all this religious bullshit., especially on a Sunday.

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Bullshit you say? In Beezlebub's Name, where's my pitchfork?Sent from my iPhone

Lascauxcaveman September 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Ttommy, here's my Sunday morning gift to you (Don't worry, you don't have to memorize anything, just follow a few simple steps).

Blessed are the nerds, for they shall haveth greater control over their electronical devices…

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Posted it to my fb. Wonketeers are soooo smart!Sent from my iPhone

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Shorter ttommy:
"My brain hurts!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrCPIrs90eg

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

And my knees and my elbows and my…….Sent from my iPhone

Calapine September 16, 2012 at 11:38 am

That's retconning of history in purest form…

HistoriCat September 16, 2012 at 8:50 pm

History is retconned by the winners.

BarackMyWorld September 16, 2012 at 11:39 am

The history of anti-Catholic, everyone-but-us-are-sinners sentiment that runs throughout Protestant history is why I got a good chuckle out of Protestant Evangelical fundamentalists rallying around the super-devout Catholics Rick Santorum and Paul Ryan, and also Mitt Romney's religious pandering.

chascates September 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I'm rereading Richard Hofstadter's The Paranoid Style in American Politics (1965 ed.) and he writes that it was Joseph McCarthy's (himself a Catholic) crusade that caused traditional anti-Catholic denominations to accept the anti-Communist Catholics. Many well-off Catholics were sympathetic to the John Birch Society at that time.
But then the Rapture-Ready crowd rally around Israel, at least until the pieces fall into place for the 'Stairway to Heaven'.

BarackMyWorld September 16, 2012 at 12:49 pm
tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Heshie's daughter: Whatever else you can say about the right wingers, they're a friend to Israel and the Jews.
Heshie: Watch and wait, daughter.
– "The Sopranos"

BarackMyWorld September 16, 2012 at 12:17 pm
smitallica September 16, 2012 at 11:42 am

Now wait. This textbook asks the peasants to quietly put up with tyrrany.

So it WANTS us to be Catholics? I'm confused.

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm

No, no no…we only need to put up with Protestant tyrants.

Hidden Muslims pretending to be Protestants don't count, either.

GlowneyHouse September 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

They get it honestly, as the Bible teaches you must be a good slave–no back-talk.
http://bible.cc/titus/2-9.htm

Guppy September 16, 2012 at 11:42 am

Dissenting Puritans experienced severe persecution at the hands of both royal and church officials, suffering imprisonment, whipping, branding, and other abuses.

What did Martin Luther just say?!?

Where they proceeded to persecute other Christians who didn’t do God right, especially those awful Quakers.

Don't forget their persecution of the Romish as well! Battle of the Severn represent!

viennawoods13 September 16, 2012 at 11:45 am

Those Puritans were nasty fuckers. Religious freedom my ass. They just imposed THEIR religious beliefs on everyone.

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Assholes.

Misty Malarky September 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

Jesus love the little children
All the children of the world
Something something
Something
white
They are precious in his sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world

Biff September 16, 2012 at 12:19 pm
johnnyzhivago September 16, 2012 at 11:46 am

Face it, if it's not on Discovery or TLC, it's just not culture.

Beowoof September 16, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I used to watch both. Then something happened, interesting shows such as
Connections
went away and were replaced by useless reality drivel.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 16, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Burke Lauding!

miss_grundy September 16, 2012 at 12:38 pm

And if it isn't on Faux News, it's not correct or something like it………

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Here comes Jesus Boo Boo!

weejee September 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

Nothing about the Holy Trinity – Galileo, Newton, and Einstein?

An_Outhouse September 16, 2012 at 11:55 am

Dok,
How to contain yourself and not read ahead? I want to know what happens next!

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Oh, that's easy. It ends with Jesus taking all the Christians to heaven and destroying the sinners.

Oops, forgot the spoiler alert!

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

The chick in the Crying Game has a schlong.

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:31 pm

The last season of Dallas was all a dream. Bobby Ewing's in the shower.

HistoriCat September 16, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Darth Vader is Liz Cheney's father.

chascates September 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Rosebud is the sled.

Fare la Volpe September 16, 2012 at 12:28 pm

And Professor Snape is Gandalf's father.

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 12:31 pm

The Irish tranny was dead all along.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm

So was Bruce Willis.

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 12:27 am

Seriously, you want to know the outcome of a Christian textbook? It's Jesus, silly. That's the end. That's always the end.

deanbooth September 16, 2012 at 11:56 am

TS;RT*

*Too short, read twice.

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 11:58 am

So what you're saying is, Henry VIII had a Big Unit?

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Well, he was 6 foot 2 or so, which, assuming that everything was proportionate…

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm

That would only give him a Kinda big unit. THE Big Unit, Randy Johnson, is 6 foot 10.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Aside from a giggle about the fact that Randy Johnson's name is a double entendre (or two double entendres if you're English), I must confess I don't know who he is.

However, we had a college football player who was a big buckaroo like that — 6 foot 7 or so, and just about as wide as he was tall. We used to say how grateful we were not to be his parents and have to feed him: "Billy Bob, time for dinner — a tossed green salad, fresh vegetables, an ox, and ice cream for dessert".

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Tall guy. Pretty good pitcher. I assumed Dok had him in mind when he referred to Henry's randy johnson.

Veritas78 September 16, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Plus, he was a ginger. So you know what that means: sensitive nipples!

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 12:30 am

At least that's what he told his future Queen consorts.

ManchuCandidate September 16, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Ignoring Inconvenient Facts: A US Amercia Fundamentalist Text Book

Blueb4sinrise September 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Somewhat related.

A Quaker-sponsored art show by a death-row inmate who murdered three people has sparked outrage among families of two Tucson murder victims.
http://azstarnet.com/news/local/crime/triple-murd

Beowoof September 16, 2012 at 12:21 pm

well wouldn't that mean there would be some Xtian forgiveness. They won't be having any of that shit. Wait till the Conservative Bible comes out, that will fix it all.

Blueb4sinrise September 16, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Don't know the beliefs of the victim families. We'll see if there's any uproar from others.

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm

OK… I thought the Bible was already pretty conservative, but now I see the error of my thinking… I wonder if the new Conservative Bible will just cut out the passages of the meek inheriting the earth and the whole of the Matthew 25 passages that speak of treating the "least of these" like Jesus…

Charlie_Foxtrot September 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm

It's important to have a literal interpretation of what conservatards think the Bible says. Goddamn libruls have corrupted it so much you can't hardly even tell Jesus hates all the same people the conservatards do.

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Also, too, remember from Part 1 of our series on this fine book:

God established civil government by ordering the death penalty (capital punishment) for murder. In establishing this first foundational civil ordinance, God again taught man the sanctity of human life (pp. 4-5).

The power to kill evildoers with God’s permission is central to government. That alone tells you everything you need to know about these guys' worldview.

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Of course, he also ordered the death penalty for a few dozen other offenses besides murder, including sassing your parents. So the sanctity of human life roolz.

dahboner September 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Hey

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

OT: Peter Sagal on that amateur movie trailer: "The movie's been getting really bad reviews. Saudi Arabia gave it 'Two thumbs off.'"

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

See YouTube: Mr.Deity the Identity crisis very funny!

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I love Mr. Deity. The idea of God looking a bit like George Lucas is sorta scary, though.

HistoriCat September 16, 2012 at 10:51 pm

The idea that God is constantly tinkering with the world and reworking fundamentals of existence would explain a lot. But not Jar-Jar.

DahBoner September 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Yo!

DahBoner September 16, 2012 at 12:21 pm

People had done with their quarrels…

Does this mean Mitt and all his followers have left for the planet Wackadu?

DerrickWildcat September 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm
gullywompr September 16, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I can't believe that guy is the GOP nominee…

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Well spotted.

BlueStateLibel September 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Mighty pretty… it almost has an oil painting look to it.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Beautiful.

Although, sorry to be a buzzkill, but the thread is about the church kind of cardinal, not the bird kind of cardinal.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

All snark aside, DW — you are a really amazing nature/bird photographer. You should be getting published in "National Geographic" or "Smithsonian" or "Hot Shit Nature Photographers Monthly" or something.

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm

That is gorgeous. And well I remember your earlier notes on the frustrations of trying to photograph wobblers! (Those are songbirds who've joined the IWW, obviously.)

eggsacklywright September 17, 2012 at 5:33 am

Nice pics. Snappy captions. Well done.

gullywompr September 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm

As an atheist, engaging in any sort of analysis of religious history is like eating cold oatmeal – if you really feel that it will make you a better person (knowledge and all…), then you will force yourself to do it, but it's boring as fuck, and not at all satisfying. Now quantum mechanics… there's a juicy steak, my friends!

proudgrampa September 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I LOVE the story about Schroedinger's Cat!

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Did they even end of finding him?

gullywompr September 16, 2012 at 4:36 pm

The Cat in the Hat Box Returns (or does he?)

Chichikovovich September 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Especially because the use of renormalization techniques in QFT requires a belief in miracles equal to any recorded in the Gospels.

[Killjoy mathematician speaking here.]

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Oh, come on. What's a couple of infinities among friends?

proudgrampa September 16, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Well, renormalization is a heck of a lot better than making stuff up, like the Cosmological Constant.

Talk about miracles…

gullywompr September 16, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Nonsense, there's simply another yet-to-be-discovered particle that will explain the whole thing.

billy_reuben September 17, 2012 at 2:12 am

Re: renormalization, no faith at all. If it works, keep it. If it doesn't, throw it out. If you have something that works better, replace it with that. Math is a powerful tool for modelling reality, not the other way around [even bigger killjoy physical scientist here.]

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Hmmmm. Aren't you just exchanging imaginary friends for imaginary numbers?

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Still better than imaginary lovers –

preemptively::

ATLANTA RYTHM SECTION LIBEL

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 12:33 am

I don't know. I'm someone that doesn't belong to religion, but I find religious stuff insanely interesting, because it's a part of the history of humanity. Religions also informs alot about particualr cultures. Religion also produces some kick-ass art and architecture.

gullywompr September 17, 2012 at 12:52 am

My avatar is testament to that. I dig cultural artifacts (figuratively), particularly ancient ones, and yes, you can't study Angkor Wat, or the Maya, or Easter Island without coming into contact with the associated belief systems. But when I was in 10th grade, if I were forced to read this textbook, I would have spent all my time in class exclusively studying the neck of the girl sitting in the desk in front of me. I have a hard time mustering up a fuck to give for Martin Luther, or the C of E, or the Puritans. That's just me.

billy_reuben September 17, 2012 at 2:27 am

So, what you're saying is… when the Christian fundamentalists become a remote, mostly extinct culture, then they will become more interesting? I could get behind that. Unlike all the other cultures you mentioned, I'm not sure what the fundies will leave behind that will be worth visiting.

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 3:02 am

Oh, this textbook is total, utter bullshit. I like the study of religion in a anthropological sort of way. I mean, I like how you can see the differences between Protestants and Catholics manifest themselves in the architecture of, say, the north and south of the Netherlands.

But, this subjective bullshit trying to masquerade itself as "history"? No thank you.

SheriffRoscoe September 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm

So Henry VIII was or was not a tyrant? I obviously need a refresher course.

Nothingisamiss September 16, 2012 at 12:36 pm

How I love your Sunday supplement, Doc Zoom!

Blueb4sinrise September 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Charade Magazine

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Ba dum tish!

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Ha! I'm still not absolutely decided on "Fun With Christianists" as a series title; I'm open to suggestions. (Rebecca likes "Sundays With the Lord" but I'm not in love with that either). My kid has threatened to become a Republican if I use "Readings From the Temple Of Zoom," so I guess that's out.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 17, 2012 at 4:50 am

"Just Enough Religion"

(Jonathan Swift allusion)

Biel_ze_Bubba September 16, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Where's the crossword puzzle?

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 3:15 pm

These are Christianists. All their words lead to the Cross.

billy_reuben September 17, 2012 at 2:48 am

Pfft — If only. I say bring back lion feeding. Even they admit they were nicer people back then.

LibrarianX September 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Somebody translate this for me – are Papists banned from using the 2nd Amendment Solutions? What about Rent Boys?

PubOption September 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I think Papists were encouraged to use their 2nd amendment rights, as long as they were in Ireland.

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

They're not allowed to use them, but an exception is made for the upper levels of the heirarchy. I'm not so sure about Second Amendment solutions, however.

bikerlaureate September 16, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Being a rent boy isn't unconstitutional.
("Yet." doesn't seem like the correct followup. It's unlikely that profession is going anywhere under a Amercian regime.)

UW8316154 September 16, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Rent Boys are always in style.

LibrarianX September 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm

And, whose voices did Joan of Arc hear anyways?

Geminisunmars September 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Joseph Smith's.

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Did she have a magic hat, too?

Negropolis September 17, 2012 at 12:36 am

I hope it was Alan Alda's, 'cause that would be fuckin' hilarious.

BTWBFDIMHO September 16, 2012 at 12:41 pm

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

new_pic_for_NEWTer September 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Except on Sesame Street, where the Count is dead. Long live the Count!

DemmeFatale September 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

OT, but too good to miss:
MoDo, ragging on R&R, and not pissing me off, (for once).
I know I posted it on the last thread, but I want to share as much as I can. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/16/opinion/sunday/

LibrarianX September 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Jonathan Edwards made Innocence of Muslims! I KNEW it!

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Have you ever wondered if dyslexic people worship DOG's?And if they do what breed?

Jus_Wonderin September 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Dachshund. Thye demand it.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm

"That’s what the Reformation was all about, remember, the sacred right to read the Bible for yourself and get your salvation straight from the word of God."

Well, that, and getting the wealth, power, and social control of the church away from those swarthy ethnics (if you know who I mean), and into the hands of white, blue-eyed, Anglo-Saxon males.

GemlikeFlame September 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm

And it was so impressively futile that they had to reform a couple of more times before it was all over. As far as the Papist doctrine of transubstantiation is concerned, while the Lutherans and a few other denominations dismiss it out of hand the Methodists and Presbyterians profess a faith in something semantically identical. The sophistry that Henry snubbed Protestant Christendom by wholesale adoption of Catholic doctrine is utter nonsense. The Protestant Reformation had been underway for about twenty years before Henry took most of Rome's British land holdings and power away in what is generally agreed to be a largely sectarian move, except for certain revisionist Protestant "scholars". Cites if anyone cares.

billy_reuben September 17, 2012 at 2:42 am

I care! I care! I had thought that it had been underway for about 150 years, what with John Wycliffe's Lollard movement, but why it seemingly stagnated and then later became a viable political option, that I'd like to know more about.

MrsConclusion September 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"The American people felt a sense of unity and responsibility, characteristics they would need to stand together against the tyranny of the mother country."

Amen. Together, as a unified whole, they unanimously agreed to bitterly disagree about slavery. But, of course, the Bible validates slavery, which is why today our slave population is thankful–not only for the fact that we live in a Christian nation, but for our obedience to the word of whatshisname–God.

LibrarianX September 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Do Mormons believe that Jeebus chased the money changers from the Temple?

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm

The Mormon's sent the money changers back in time using The backward slingshot around the sun method aboard the Kolaug Mothership.

oenspiek September 16, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I remember that episode! The Mothership turned out to be commanded by Kang and Kodos, right?

weejee September 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

These Xtains need moar skooling in wizardry. How about they all go to Pigfarts Wizardry Skool on Mars?

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I am beginning to think that this textbook is only picking and choosing the part of history it wants to push a certain agenda.*

*File this under the "slow learner" department. ;-)

Preacher_Griz September 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm

ahhh! so now we come to know the great pacificist/apologists/reparationists of history who have failed their peoples all begin their names with Martin Luther:

1) Martin Luther

2) Martin Luther King

3) Martin Luther Barry Soeterro Hussein Obama

Misty Malarky September 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

And they always name the scariest street in town after them.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Ironically, Martin Luther King Boulevard is hardly ever non-violent.

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

And who's that Martin Luther Philandon fellow that Paul McCartney sang about? Don't forget him.

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I'd open the door & let 'em in, but it's got feces nailed to it.

proudgrampa September 16, 2012 at 1:44 pm

It's just sad to me to think that: 1) people are allowed to publish this crap and, 2) students are being taught this crap.

Thus, history will repeat itself. Over and over.

mavenmaven September 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Someone should remind these guys that what Luther would have called 'indulgences' we would now call 'superPAC's…

RadioX September 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Christians Might Be a Little Out of Touch.

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I wonder how the Christianists explain Baptist ministers like Rev. Howard Moody.
http://crooksandliars.com/susie-madrak/harriet-tu

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

If you attend a religious college like Notre Dame,or Liberty college isn't that like having a degree from Hogwarts?

greenloner September 16, 2012 at 5:32 pm

no, hogwarts much more intellectually rigorous

sbj1964 September 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm

They have to be because in a religious school the correct answer to every question is Jesus did it.How can anyone even take them serious?

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:03 pm

History really is much simpler and easy to understand when you reduce it to the story of how God arranged things so that America would eventually happen.

It's ironic that people can believe that God could plot and plan and manipulate world events in such a way as to end up with a country called the United States of America and yet they cannot believe that organisms over thousands of years can't change and evolve….

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I had this discussion, seriously, with a former co-worker who was a big Christian. I didn't really care what he actually believed, I just wanted him to admit that if God was God, and therefore all-powerful, therefore God was capable of making organisms that could evolve.

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm

If you really wanted to blow his mind… you could have asked him if God is God, why didn't he create cars and skyscraper buildings and roads from the beginning?

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Ah yes — Protestantism, which gave us several fanatical murdering tyrants in exchange for just one. And of course the real loser was science and education, including Giordano Bruno and Michael Servetus (at the hands of John Calvin) among others.

And odd how this book, in a roundabout way, admits that the peasants knew about justice before they were brought a bible they could read. Almost makes it seem that it has no correlation to their religious indoctrination at all, really.

Doktor Zoom September 16, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Bloody peasant!

Ooh, what a giveaway! Come see the violence inherent in the system!

trampndirtdown September 16, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I'm being oppressed!

sati_demise September 16, 2012 at 10:04 pm

those people will never agree with Rick Santorum

LibrarianX September 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

What is God's special plan for stupid people?

mavenmaven September 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Apparently control of the Republican party.

WhatTheHeck September 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm

King Henry VIII and the Church of England had nothing to do with reformation, but every thing to do with sex. Legal sex that is.
He was sexing his way through his wimmens to produce a legal male heir.
But typically of sex. It never produces the results you had in mind.

Religious reformation, my ass.

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm

He didn't have very good aim.

Veritas78 September 16, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Syphilis changes the course of history, again.

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I can't wait until we get to the part about Catholicism Wow! and the Buddy Christ. That's the best part. http://youtu.be/_BEZaPN8gUY

DemmeFatale September 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I agree.
I thought she might have been trying to soft-pedal it, but with a title that says: "Neocons Slither Back," I don't think she was going for subtlety.
(I'd say Mitt deep-fried them both.)

Veritas78 September 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm

If wrong is to be suffered, it is better to suffer it from rulers than that the rulers suffer it from their subjects. For the mob has no moderation, and knows none … It is better to suffer wrong from one tyrant, that is, from the ruler, than from unnumbered tyrants, that is, from the mob.

I think Luther has this backward, especially if you go by the "greatest good" math.

cobweb2 September 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

It's all about the $$$. These people don't really believe this crap; they're selling books to the stoopids. I was going to order the text book because I can't wait for Wonkette's next week's critique, but the prices on Amazon and Ebay suggest that the novel has become a cult classic collectible which is out of my reach.

poorgradstudent September 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

It is better to suffer wrong from one tyrant, that is, from the ruler, than from unnumbered tyrants…

Wait, Martin Luther had to put up with Libertarians too?

vulpes82 September 16, 2012 at 5:36 pm

"Christianity must not be thought of as a revolutionary political movement" Yes, NOTHING revolutionary at all in Jesus's teachings. He was totally just a status quo kind of guy.

oenspiek September 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

If god created man in his own image, does it follow that god isn't too bright?

billy_reuben September 17, 2012 at 2:57 am

Dumb all over… and maybe a little ugly on the side

MinAgain September 16, 2012 at 6:45 pm

That sound you hear? Alexis de Toqueville, spinning like a damn top.

Schmegeg September 16, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Class Project: Watch Season 1 of the Tudors, pay special attention to the Naughty Bits.

worrierqueen September 16, 2012 at 11:01 pm

How lazy would you be to create a universe and then loaf around for 13.7 billion years. Surely his unemployment benefits have run out by now?

sbj1964 September 17, 2012 at 2:19 am

One should ask themselves would I ever join a club that promotes hatred,the denigration of women,war,rape,murder,incest,cannibalism,slavery,ignorance,fear,superstition,homophobia,and intolerance?Most would say "NO".Well if you belong to a church,mosque,or temple you do.And if you don't believe me; read your membership book.

bobbert September 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Focus.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 2:23 pm

is there no room for diversity in your philosophy, Horatio?
I never said I *didn't* like "Hocus Pocus".
"Hocus Pocus" is THE best driving/car passing song ever — yes, better than "Radar Love" — there, I said it.
It is also the best song with yodeling in it that is not "the Lonely Goatherd". *
That having been said, it is still not as awesome as "Rockin' Robin" by a damn sight — and I say that as someone who can't even whistle along with it, because I never learned how to whistle.
[now you know my secret shame]
`
`
`
*pre-emptively: Jimmie Rodgers libel!

LibertyLover September 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

"Wonketeers are soooo smart!"

That's why you'll never catch us hanging with the Rick Santorums of the world.

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

That, and the fact that we are pervy in a normal way.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

tessiee September 16, 2012 at 2:34 pm

"Hymn 43" is still one of my favorite headbanging songs.

I can exclude Ian Anderson's flute playing from the Canon of Suck, but there is no forgiveness for wearing brown corduroy pants.

Biff September 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Biff September 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Also, a website. He's not the same guy we all knew and loved in the 80's, unfortunately.

Karma_Suture September 16, 2012 at 5:33 pm

You have my vote.
BoatOfVelocirators/Oily Smoking Witches 2012!

iTuna September 17, 2012 at 9:45 am

If you say you're with a school, and are looking into adopting a textbook, you can generally get the publisher to ship you one for free.

Just saying.

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