Freedom...But Only The Right Kind of Freedom

Fun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian ‘World History & Cultures’ Textbook (Part 3)

Pagan babies! Get your pagan babies here!It’s another exciting installment of our Sunday visits to Planet Earth as portrayed in Christianist textbooks! We’re continuing to mine a 10th-grade text, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed. (A Beka Book, 1997) for all the snark it can yield. As we learned last week, the most important events in European history involved the “perversion” of True Biblical Christianity by the “Church of Rome” and the eventual triumph of the Protestant Reformation. This week: Fun with Church and State!

You know what the Christian Right likes? (OK, besides “rentboys.”) That’s right: Freedom! That’s what the Reformation was all about, remember, the sacred right to read the Bible for yourself and get your salvation straight from the word of God. So of course it follows that political freedom is good, too … unless, maybe, things get unruly.

After his break with Rome, Martin Luther was approached by German peasants who “hoped that the preaching of true, scriptural Christianity in Germany would…influence the feudal lords to treat the peasants more justly” (p. 257) Luther, in response to a petition from clergy on the peasants’ behalf, urged the nobles to reform, but

  • To the peasants, however, Luther advised patience. Violence and revenge would only make matters worse, bringing disorder and more tyranny. He wrote:

    If wrong is to be suffered, it is better to suffer it from rulers than that the rulers suffer it from their subjects. For the mob has no moderation, and knows none … It is better to suffer wrong from one tyrant, that is, from the ruler, than from unnumbered tyrants, that is, from the mob.

    [The] peasants were not at all satisfied with Luther’s response; they felt he had betrayed them. Luther’s language had been strong, but he was trying to make it clear that Christianity must not be thought of as a revolutionary political movement. Spiritual freedom does not always guarantee political or economic freedom” (p. 257).

We’re not sure whether this warning about the need for good Christians to quietly put up with tyranny precludes them from taking Second Amendment solutions to Obamacare, but to be fair, it’s possible that not even Martin Luther could have forseen the awful tyranny of a government making people buy health insurance.

For all of World History’s worries about doctrinal purity, it is remarkably blasé about the very worldly motivations for the Reformation’s arrival in England. It acknowledges that Henry VIII was looking for a hot younger wife in Anne Boleyn, but since “England was ripe for spiritual reformation” and the “break with Rome was a necessary first step in the English Reformation,” the textbook’s editors seem willing to give a pass to Henry’s randy johnson.

After all, “only a strong king like Henry VIII could take such drastic measures.” His worst excesses were, of course, doctrinal:

  • Despite the progress made under Henry VIII, the fact remained that the English king simply replaced the pope… [and took] complete control of English religion and politics. He ruthlessly suppressed pro-Romanist rebels … [but] he basically agreed with the Roman church on doctrine and practice. In fact, Henry had Parliament pass legislation making much Roman doctrine, including transubstantiation, the official belief of the Church of England (pp. 264-265).

The six wives and the tyranny? (The heads. You’re looking at the heads. Sometimes he goes too far. He’s the first one to admit it.) Sure, a bit tyrannical. But the Romish trappings of the Church of England? NOT COOL, DUDE.

OK, so you know where all this Church of England stuff is headed: Puritanism, yay! Under Charles I,

  • Dissenting Puritans experienced severe persecution at the hands of both royal and church officials, suffering imprisonment, whipping, branding, and other abuses. Many Puritans left England at this time; in fact, some who had feared such persecution had already taken refuge in America, where they established the colony of Massachusetts in 1630.

Where they proceeded to persecute other Christians who didn’t do God right, especially those awful Quakers. Oddly, World History doesn’t mention that stuff at all; we strongly recommend you read Sarah Vowell’s The Wordy Shipmates for some excellent history and commentary, such as this gem from Vowell’s discussion of John Winthrop’s shipboard sermon on departing from England for the New World (best known for its “city upon a hill” metaphor, which didn’t include the word “shining” — it took a Reagan to add that propaganda):

Because of the “city upon a hill” sound bite, “A Model of Christian Charity” is one of the formative documents outlining the idea of America. Dig deep into its communitarian ethos and it reads more like an America that might have been, an America fervently devoted to the quaint goals of working together and getting along. Of course, this America does exist. It’s called Canada.

World History skips over those early years of the New England colonies in its hurry to get to the Great Awakening, that outburst of revivalism from the 1730s to 1750s that gave us Jonathan Edwards and his cheerful sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.” The textbook takes at face value Edwards’ own 1734 report of the revival campaign’s success:

  • The tavern was soon empty. People had done with their quarrels, backbiting, and intermeddling with other men’s matters…. It was a time of joy in families on account of salvation being brought unto them; parents rejoicing over their children as new born, and husbands over their wives, and wives over their husbands (p. 328).

The sourcing on that “empty tavern” story seems questionable, but we’re just spoilsports that way. Never ones to miss an opportunity to prove that America Is A Christian Nation, the editors close this chapter with a claim that takes pains not to overreach one single bit:

  • By the end of the Great Awakening, America was ready to face the hardships of war and the challenge of founding a new nation. Spiritual revival had prepared the people with a new appreciation for religious liberty and a greater understanding of the principles of political liberty…

    The American people felt a sense of unity and responsibility, characteristics they would need to stand together against the tyranny of the mother country (p 329).

Well, there you go. History really is much simpler and easy to understand when you reduce it to the story of how God arranged things so that America would eventually happen.

Next Week: Why the American Revolution was awesome, and the French Revolution was terrible. (Hint: Blame the Enlightenment and humanism…and, sure, the Church of Rome, of course.)

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • sbj1964

    If God created man in his own image how come we're not invisible?

    • no_gravity

      Also, how come there's not 3 of each one of us?

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        The same reason Winston saw 5 fingers.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          By George he's got it!!

        • tessiee

          Aw, now I haz a sad.

      • bobbert

        I see everything thrice.

        • LibertyLover

          Only when I do the drinky thingy….

    • Geminisunmars

      I see G-d all the time. She's, uh, umm, oh never mind.

    • WhatTheHeck

      If God created man in his own image how come we're not invisible?

      Well, Mitt’s wealth is invisible and that’s good enough for me not to question the Bible, and, btw, only people like you, lacking in faith, can’t see us as the ghosts we really are.

      I’m invisible, I tells ya.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "Mitt’s wealth is invisible"

        Only to the IRS.

        • WhatTheHeck

          The IRS and people who think he’s one of them.

    • compound_i

      "God made man, but He used a monkey to do it."

    • PsycWench

      How come I lack smiting ability?

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Because you don't have a Christian militia to do it for you? I have spiting ability and employ it from time to time…smiting, well that usually requires the use of my old friend Louisville Slugger..

        I'm pretty much sure our invisible lord who takes no form and whom we never have any evidence of existing aside from his/her fervent believers likes to "tell" them to go smite people…or what you psychologists call paraniod schizophrenia.

        • memzilla

          Part of me wonders why people think I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.

    • Negropolis

      But, we do look like the Christian god: angry, mean, brutal, jealous and needy, oh, so very, very needy.

  • AlterNewt

    I'm not buying it. This God guy is just making shit up as he goes along.

    • FakaktaSouth

      But ya know, I have found a way to deal with this, I say, lets all just get drunk on Sunday. It really does work. Join me, people of reason, it's way better and so so so much fun.

      • bobbert

        Good Afternoon!

      • AlterNewt

        I find your argument compelling, FS.

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Sure…and if anyone complains you can just say "jesus has a lot o' blood to share" before belching in their faces, which is in the parlance of Chris Christy how you say hello as well as goodbye.

  • no_gravity

    Looks like Martin Luther was a 1%er.

    • HogeyeGrex

      I didn't think they had Harleys back then.

    • MinAgain

      Well, he certainly had the anti-Semiticism down pat.

  • Juan_Oriley

    Cardinal Wosley got a bad rap.

  • Beetagger

    I see words but I can't make my brain try to read them. Much like the bible itself.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Needz moar witch burnings… for freedom!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Luther had the same idea for the Jews.

      First, to set fire to their synagogues or schools and to bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them. This is to be done in honor of our Lord and of Christendom
      Martin Luther

    • kittensdontlie

      And witches boiled in oil, are called freedom fries.

      • WhatTheHeck

        Mmmmm. Deep-fried witch on a stick. Early Christian fast food.

        • LibertyLover

          I prefer my witches flame broiled… gotta watch my figure.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            I prefer my witches covered in oil, and smoking hot.

          • Karma_Suture

            You have my vote.
            BoatOfVelocirators/Oily Smoking Witches 2012!

    • Veritas78

      I have trouble imagining Mitt Romney as anything but a dick, but I can see him as a phony, self-righteous Puritan. So, it fits.

      • Toomush_Infer

        With a new book brought forth from the savages for a new nation…

  • http://www.wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    I am doing my graduate school thesis on exactly this subject. I've ordered the textbook and think that it will prove very useful. Thanks, Wonkette!

    • Doktor Zoom

      you'll probably want to make sure you get the 2010 revision, which is supposed to be largely the same, but goes up through the election of Obama. (I'm looking on ebay for that one myself)

    • BarackMyWorld

      You're writing a thesis on mental illness and self-delusion?

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        especially if the thesis contains sections describing teabaggers and conservatives…that topic alone is worth a multi-volume encyclopedia of stupidity, mental illness and self-delusion.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You might want to leave out the parts about skullfucking in the final draft.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Leave teh buttsechs in for extra credit.

        • Veritas78

          And the bag of lightly-salted poisoned rat dicks! Footnote this, though.

    • cobweb2

      I, too, was going to order the text book because I can't wait for Wonkette's next week's critique, but the prices on Amazon and Ebay suggest that the novel has become a cult classic collectible which is out of my reach.

      • http://www.wonkette.com WordSaladNation
        • Doktor Zoom

          Oh, dear. I TOL' ya to get the third edition, but did you listen?

          Have fun! It realy is madness :D

          • http://www.wonkette.com WordSaladNation

            Couldn't find the third edition for less than one million whore diamonds, so I had to settle for the 1997 edition…HOWEVER, I'm going to try to buy up a few of these Christian tomes for the thesis, so I will definitely make sure to get one that's been updated since The Great Satan was elected.

          • iTuna

            If you say you're with a school, and are looking into adopting a textbook, you can generally get the publisher to ship you one for free.

            Just saying.

    • PsycWench

      Make sure you work "illusion of control", "cognitive dissonance", "confirmation bias" and my personal favorite here, "false consensus bias" into the thesis. Because these books exemplify each and every one.

  • AlterNewt

    Luther did enjoy his renown.

    “If I break wind in Wittenberg they smell it in Rome.”

    • Biff

      Damn, I miss that joint…

      • AlterNewt

        Jesus God!

      • UW8316154

        Good Lord! What in the name of the virgin (Riley?) IS that place?

        • Biff

          It's where Joe Bob Briggs ended up, but closed in 2008. Sadly.

          • Doktor Zoom

            What the hell is Joe Bob up to these days? His first collection of columns was a formative influence on my appreciation of cheesy movies.

          • Biff
          • Biff

            Also, a website. He's not the same guy we all knew and loved in the 80's, unfortunately.

  • sbj1964

    If you are over the age of 6 yrs old,and still have an imaginary,invisible friend that you talk with;you are delusional,and need professional help.

    • AlterNewt

      Well, my invisible friend is a hawt psychologist lady and she says everything's just fine.

    • Biff

      All of my imaginary friends are right here at Wonkette.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        .

        • UW8316154

          T

      • Calapine

        But we aren't your friends, we hate you!

        • Beowoof

          I know, but I still come here and say mean shit about people who need it. I do that for my own venting. And my friends here in Rochester need a walk.

      • tessiee

        Group hug!

        • UW8316154

          {HUG}

    • LibertyLover

      Are you mocking Michelle Bachmann?

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        haha, same thought. I was also thinking about her penchant for surrounding herself with closeted gay guys whom she insists are heterosexual (they're just…fascinated by gay buttsecks) alongside this sort of nuttery as part and parcel for her burgeoning insanity plea…

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    I can't wait for the Templar vs Assassins angle.

    Mo Hawk, Mo Problems.

  • eggsacklywright

    Church of England. Hmph. When do we get the Church of America? I know the wingnuts are working on it, but, time's a-wastin'.

    • Biff

      That's LDS, in a nutsacshell.

    • sati_demise

      the Church of America is on cable TV every day

    • Negropolis

      We already have a Church of America; it's called the Southern Baptist Convention.

  • eggsacklywright

    I'm voting for Cardinal Sin.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Have you though of becoming an acolyte at your local cathedral when the Bishop is saying mass?

      • eggsacklywright

        Maybe. If I knew what an acolyte was. Is it like an electrolyte?

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Shockingly so. When you bend over to light the candle putting your cathode in the air, the Cardinal's anode will come a calling and there will be ions for daze.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Also, though there's no good copy of it online, Chas Addams' cartoon: "So there's a cardinal in the bird feeder. Big Deal!"

    • ProgressiveInga

      Cardinal/Venal 2016!

    • tessiee

      "Cardinal Sin"

      Leave those birds alone, you deviate!

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Is that what ♪ Rockin' Robin ♪ was about??

        • tessiee

          I thought "Rockin' Robin" was about having a song with a flute solo that was awesome and did not suck.
          "Hocus Pocus", perhaps less so.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            YOU DON"T LIKE "Hocus Pocus"?

            You are dead to me.

          • bobbert

            Focus.

          • tessiee

            is there no room for diversity in your philosophy, Horatio?
            I never said I *didn't* like "Hocus Pocus".
            "Hocus Pocus" is THE best driving/car passing song ever — yes, better than "Radar Love" — there, I said it.
            It is also the best song with yodeling in it that is not "the Lonely Goatherd". *
            That having been said, it is still not as awesome as "Rockin' Robin" by a damn sight — and I say that as someone who can't even whistle along with it, because I never learned how to whistle.
            [now you know my secret shame]
            `
            `
            `
            *pre-emptively: Jimmie Rodgers libel!

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            My God tessie, then guess you didn't learn your scriptures from Jethro Tull?

          • tessiee

            "Hymn 43" is still one of my favorite headbanging songs.

            I can exclude Ian Anderson's flute playing from the Canon of Suck, but there is no forgiveness for wearing brown corduroy pants.

    • new_pic_for_NEWTer

      But what about Cardinal Fang? or even dare I say Cardinal Biggles? No one expects, etc.

      • tessiee

        "or even dare I say Cardinal Biggles?"

        What, Dr. Evil's cat?

    • bobbert

      Imma go with Cardinal Numbers.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I like Cardinal Directions.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I like Cardinal wins over USC.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I hate Cardinal wins over Patriots.

  • fartknocker

    "Spiritual freedom does not always guarantee political or economic freedom."

    So this is why abstinence is such a great policy for controlling the creation of babies, but the act of legitimate rape allows the woman to produce enzymes that kill the zygote, so no abortion should be allowed. I guess a woman's reproductive rights don't meet the spiritual, political or economic criteria being bloviated in this text book.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Now you're getting it! Also notice the more than slight observation that we should let our wealthy betters do as they please because we cannot handle power as responsibily as they can. It's like every bullshit authoritarian justification roled up in one, "god wills it!"

  • chascates

    Oh mighty Doktor, is there some country somewhere that isn't ate up with teh religionz? Some place where people are not judged by the ferocity of their Invisible Space Giant or by the degree to which they would be wiling to kill heretics/unbelievers? Or at least tell me of some place where the custom is not to ever discuss one's cosmic origin anxieties in public!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Hi chascates, glad to see you back. Hope you were having fun these past weeks.

      • chascates

        Greetings! My internet access was cut off for lack of payment and I had to rely on my fairy godmother to help me. Life without the internet is shamefully dull. Caught up on much reading however.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Searching….
      http://exoplanet.eu/

      • chascates

        Although the Mormon and Scientology planets are to be avoided I suppose.

      • Biff

        My skymap app doesn't list any of those!

    • bobbert

      Sweden.

    • proudgrampa

      Antarctica?

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, the place is called Sweden. I'd say Scandanavia as a whole, but Norway seems to have a conservative religious streak that runs through a lot of it.

  • Juan_Oriley

    What do the wingnuts think of Sir Thomas More? The papists went and beatified him.

    • Chichikovovich

      His policy of sentencing Lutherans to be burned at the stake (back when Henry and the pope were still BFFs) probably got him de-friended on Christianist Facebook.

      • Juan_Oriley

        See, that would be a fun angle to play, but I don't know if our Paul Ryan/Bill Donahoe papists are up on their Henry VIII hatred.

      • viennawoods13

        You beat me to it.

    • eggsacklywright

      Beatified!? Did he survive?

    • viennawoods13

      Probably not good. after all, he had no problem with burning heretics at the stake.

      • sbj1964

        Burnt heretic yummy!

        • Biff

          Good sammich!

    • Doktor Zoom

      He gets only a brief mention: "Although More never joined the Protestant Reformation, he urged the church to reform the clergy and correct certain doctrines. More was later executed by King Henry VIII after opposing the king's actions against the church."

      So, for this textbook, a man for very few seasons.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Cut from the team after a late season call-up.

    • UW8316154

      The papist beatified him? Sounds dirty…and gay.

  • Troubledog

    Not a word about Dr. Pepper.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Gotta wait 'til 10:00. Or is it 2:00 or 4:00?

      • Harrison Wintergreen

        All of 'em, Katie.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Where's the part about killing the natives or was America devoid of humans at the time?

    • Juan_Oriley

      The mormons have explained that beautifully, I think. I've never read their crap.

    • LibertyLover

      First experiments in the use of biological warfare: giving small pox laden blankets to the natives…seems a bit unChristianlike to me….

      • Negropolis

        Oh, but it is so very Christian. They were sharing, 'cause sharing is caring.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Can not WAIT for the christianists take on Nuns on the Bus…..

  • freakishlywrong

    Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ. These People.

    • IndianaKevin

      I love some of the middle names he went by.

  • sbj1964

    Ignorance,Superstition,Fear,Violence,Hatred,Bigotry,Backwardness,Misogyny,and intolerance these are the people of faith.One need only see the news in the middle east with the moozies representing for all to see.

    • Negropolis

      Honestly, can you quit this? You've made your point on numerous occassions. This is almost the other side of the coin of religious bigotry.

      • sbj1964

        I do not agree.If people of faith claim that they are one thing,and act contrary to their own set of moral standards they should be ridiculed.Whether Muslim,Christian,Jew,or any one of thousands of other cults.I hold them in contempt only because they act contemptible.They're ancient tombs contain some of the most vile,evil,ignorant,and murderous things ever set to print.They are a curse upon the race of man.And how can anyone defend the indefensible acts committed by the people of faith?

  • Troubledog

    Also, what have the bloody Romans ever done for us?

    • Beowoof

      Pasta?

    • larrylinn

      All right… all right… but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order… what have the Romans done for us?
      In Short they gave us Monty Python.

      • Rotundo_

        And for that alone, they have my undying gratitude. But we did sort of have to re-discover all that good stuff since the church was hell bent on destroying knowledge as if it were the root of all evil.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Pedophilia! No, that's the Greeks…

    • Nothingisamiss

      Splitter!

    • tessiee

      Several generations down the line… Me?

      • Geminisunmars

        Well, in that case, all is forgiven.

    • UW8316154

      Numerals?

      • HistoriCat

        (Letters on screen for about 1.5 seconds)
        "was that XXIV or XXXVI? When was this show made? Damn it!"

    • LibertyLover

      Well, they had more than one God to mess around with them… the Christians only have one….

    • compound_i

      the Aqueduct?

  • Chichikovovich

    Did they mention that Henry VIII was granted the title "Defender of the Faith" from Pope Leo X because of a pamphlet Henry published, excoriating Luther?

    Serious question: given the stance on political revolution, and their distaste for Charles I, how do they handle Oliver Cromwell's puritans and the regicide at the end of the civil war?

    • viennawoods13

      Well, God WAS telling them what to do, unlike the false god who was telling Chuckles and his buddies what to do.

      • Biff

        Gog and Magog libel!

    • smitallica

      Like they've ever even heard of Henry VIII, Pope Leo X, Cromwell, the English Civil War, or for that matter, England.

      • Juan_Oriley

        Pastor Cletus says the KJV is the direct word of god, that is all you need to know.

        • Biff

          What sayeth St. SkoalRebel?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Actually, yes, they mention the "Defender of the Faith" thing.

      Charles just pushed good Christians too far. After Charles "instigated a royalist rebellion and a war with Scotland" to regain his crown, Cromwell simply was "determined to be rid of him once and for all." The text simply notes that Cromwell threw the conservatives out of Parliament, deposed the king, and then the Rump Parliament convicted Charles of treason and had him beheaded. They're also not too worried about the Protectorate, noting that "many people viewed the new government as a military dictatorship rather than a republic." Also, too:

      As "Lord Protector," [Cromwell] gained powers that not even James I or Charles I could have had. On the other hand, Cromwell rarely exercised these powers. Instead, he concentrated on maintaining peace and order in England, promoting religious toleration, and defending the country from foreign powers.

      So, yeah, a little bit of dictatorship is OK as long as order is maintained. These fuckers don't mind tyrants who are also Bible-believing Christians.

      Also, the Restoration worked because "the fear that Romanism might be reimposed was enough to bring Englishmen together."

      • Biff

        That's not how I read it in The History of Scotland as 'splained by Mel Gibson. FREEEEDOOOOM!

      • Fare la Volpe

        A little bit of dictatorship is OK as long as order is maintained.

        Well at least the trains coaches run on time.

      • Chichikovovich

        Yes – if the tyrants are Bible-believing Christians and the massacres they commit are of Catholics, like the massacres at Drogheda, Wexford, and other entertainments of Cromwell's Irish Adventure.

        Full props to Ollie on the religious toleration front, though. Inviting Jews to settle in England was huge.

        Edit: Though now that I think of it, Cromwell spent almost the entire first year of the 9 years he ruled to Commonwealth pacifying Ireland in a most bloody way. I observe that this does not seem well described by any of "maintaining peace and order in England", "promoting religious toleration", or "defending the country from foreign powers".

        • AlterNewt

          You are right. And either way, only the God they all claim could weigh all of their righteous killing in the balance. Happy Sabbath.

        • tessiee

          "pacifying […] in a most bloody way"

          I seest what thou hast done there.

      • tessiee

        I have a feeling they'd read as far as "Rump Parliament" and start giggling.

        • kittensdontlie

          In regards to Luther, I read about the Worm Diet and started wriggling.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "Wouldn't this be a great time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth quite like Bebop-A-Reebop Rhubarb Pie."

    • OkieDokieDog

      The overly religious need a 50 gallon drum of ketchup with its natural mellowing agents on top of their slices.

      • UW8316154

        Natural mellowing agent = High fructose corn syrup

    • tessiee

      "Bebop-A-Reebop Rhubarb Pie."

      Now I'm hungry AND want to swing dance.

  • ttommyunger

    Dear Wonkette: please quit trying to educate me. I am here for revenge, a good laugh or snark. I don't want to change the world, just influence it in a bad way….My other problem is that I am so intelligent, well-read and wise, that my brain is full to the brim. For me to learn something new would require me to forget something just to make room. Hell, it might be a PIN number, then where would I be? Also, keep it short; fuckwads like me have a very short attention sp…..Oh look, a squirrel!!!

    • sbj1964

      The long articles tend to effect my AD?? something or other.

      • ttommyunger

        Me three!Sent from my iPhone

      • LibertyLover

        Better your AD than your "ED" I suppose…
        ;-)

    • soeoho

      Many words hurt ouch . . . . squirrel?!

      • ttommyunger

        I am a simple man: loose shoes, tight pussy and a warm place to shit ;)Sent from my iPhone

        • Rotundo_

          And yet, our government refuses to quantify a minimum daily requirement for those essentials of life. Heavy sigh, I guess it doesn't really belong in the food pyramid, but dammit there should be MDR specified for these things too! and assistance for procuring them for the financially challenged!

          • ttommyunger

            All in good time.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

    • iamrrm

      The articles could just consist of random letters, such as a monkey might type, along with a smattering of cuss words. I'm only here to read the comments anyway.

      • ttommyunger

        Same here. When I sits, I sits loose, when I works, I works hard and when I thinks, I falls asleep.Sent from my iPhone

        • IndianaKevin

          Reminds me of something whose source escapes me: Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits.

          • ttommyunger

            Both oldies but goodies.

    • no_gravity

      I don't mind the educamation. It's all this religious bullshit., especially on a Sunday.

      • ttommyunger

        Bullshit you say? In Beezlebub's Name, where's my pitchfork?Sent from my iPhone

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Ttommy, here's my Sunday morning gift to you (Don't worry, you don't have to memorize anything, just follow a few simple steps).

          Blessed are the nerds, for they shall haveth greater control over their electronical devices…

          • ttommyunger

            Posted it to my fb. Wonketeers are soooo smart!Sent from my iPhone

          • LibertyLover

            "Wonketeers are soooo smart!"

            That's why you'll never catch us hanging with the Rick Santorums of the world.

          • ttommyunger

            That, and the fact that we are pervy in a normal way.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

    • tessiee

      Shorter ttommy:
      "My brain hurts!"
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrCPIrs90eg

      • ttommyunger

        And my knees and my elbows and my…….Sent from my iPhone

  • Calapine

    That's retconning of history in purest form…

    • HistoriCat

      History is retconned by the winners.

  • BarackMyWorld

    The history of anti-Catholic, everyone-but-us-are-sinners sentiment that runs throughout Protestant history is why I got a good chuckle out of Protestant Evangelical fundamentalists rallying around the super-devout Catholics Rick Santorum and Paul Ryan, and also Mitt Romney's religious pandering.

  • smitallica

    Now wait. This textbook asks the peasants to quietly put up with tyrrany.

    So it WANTS us to be Catholics? I'm confused.

    • Doktor Zoom

      No, no no…we only need to put up with Protestant tyrants.

      Hidden Muslims pretending to be Protestants don't count, either.

    • GlowneyHouse

      They get it honestly, as the Bible teaches you must be a good slave–no back-talk.
      http://bible.cc/titus/2-9.htm

  • Guppy

    Dissenting Puritans experienced severe persecution at the hands of both royal and church officials, suffering imprisonment, whipping, branding, and other abuses.

    What did Martin Luther just say?!?

    Where they proceeded to persecute other Christians who didn’t do God right, especially those awful Quakers.

    Don't forget their persecution of the Romish as well! Battle of the Severn represent!

    • viennawoods13

      Those Puritans were nasty fuckers. Religious freedom my ass. They just imposed THEIR religious beliefs on everyone.

      • UW8316154

        Assholes.

  • Misty Malarky

    Jesus love the little children
    All the children of the world
    Something something
    Something
    white
    They are precious in his sight
    Jesus loves the little children of the world

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Face it, if it's not on Discovery or TLC, it's just not culture.

    • Beowoof

      I used to watch both. Then something happened, interesting shows such as
      Connections
      went away and were replaced by useless reality drivel.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Burke Lauding!

    • miss_grundy

      And if it isn't on Faux News, it's not correct or something like it………

    • LibertyLover

      Here comes Jesus Boo Boo!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Nothing about the Holy Trinity – Galileo, Newton, and Einstein?

  • An_Outhouse

    Dok,
    How to contain yourself and not read ahead? I want to know what happens next!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Oh, that's easy. It ends with Jesus taking all the Christians to heaven and destroying the sinners.

      Oops, forgot the spoiler alert!

      • tessiee

        The chick in the Crying Game has a schlong.

        • LibertyLover

          The last season of Dallas was all a dream. Bobby Ewing's in the shower.

          • HistoriCat

            Darth Vader is Liz Cheney's father.

    • chascates

      Rosebud is the sled.

      • Fare la Volpe

        And Professor Snape is Gandalf's father.

        • Doktor Zoom

          The Irish tranny was dead all along.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            So was Bruce Willis.

    • Negropolis

      Seriously, you want to know the outcome of a Christian textbook? It's Jesus, silly. That's the end. That's always the end.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    TS;RT*

    *Too short, read twice.

  • bobbert

    So what you're saying is, Henry VIII had a Big Unit?

    • tessiee

      Well, he was 6 foot 2 or so, which, assuming that everything was proportionate…

      • UW8316154

        That would only give him a Kinda big unit. THE Big Unit, Randy Johnson, is 6 foot 10.

        • tessiee

          Aside from a giggle about the fact that Randy Johnson's name is a double entendre (or two double entendres if you're English), I must confess I don't know who he is.

          However, we had a college football player who was a big buckaroo like that — 6 foot 7 or so, and just about as wide as he was tall. We used to say how grateful we were not to be his parents and have to feed him: "Billy Bob, time for dinner — a tossed green salad, fresh vegetables, an ox, and ice cream for dessert".

          • bobbert

            Tall guy. Pretty good pitcher. I assumed Dok had him in mind when he referred to Henry's randy johnson.

    • Veritas78

      Plus, he was a ginger. So you know what that means: sensitive nipples!

    • Negropolis

      At least that's what he told his future Queen consorts.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Ignoring Inconvenient Facts: A US Amercia Fundamentalist Text Book

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Somewhat related.

    A Quaker-sponsored art show by a death-row inmate who murdered three people has sparked outrage among families of two Tucson murder victims.
    http://azstarnet.com/news/local/crime/triple-murd

    • Beowoof

      well wouldn't that mean there would be some Xtian forgiveness. They won't be having any of that shit. Wait till the Conservative Bible comes out, that will fix it all.

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Don't know the beliefs of the victim families. We'll see if there's any uproar from others.

      • LibertyLover

        OK… I thought the Bible was already pretty conservative, but now I see the error of my thinking… I wonder if the new Conservative Bible will just cut out the passages of the meek inheriting the earth and the whole of the Matthew 25 passages that speak of treating the "least of these" like Jesus…

      • Charlie_Foxtrot

        It's important to have a literal interpretation of what conservatards think the Bible says. Goddamn libruls have corrupted it so much you can't hardly even tell Jesus hates all the same people the conservatards do.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Also, too, remember from Part 1 of our series on this fine book:

      God established civil government by ordering the death penalty (capital punishment) for murder. In establishing this first foundational civil ordinance, God again taught man the sanctity of human life (pp. 4-5).

      The power to kill evildoers with God’s permission is central to government. That alone tells you everything you need to know about these guys' worldview.

      • bobbert

        Of course, he also ordered the death penalty for a few dozen other offenses besides murder, including sassing your parents. So the sanctity of human life roolz.

  • dahboner

    Hey

  • Doktor Zoom

    OT: Peter Sagal on that amateur movie trailer: "The movie's been getting really bad reviews. Saudi Arabia gave it 'Two thumbs off.'"

  • sbj1964

    See YouTube: Mr.Deity the Identity crisis very funny!

    • Doktor Zoom

      I love Mr. Deity. The idea of God looking a bit like George Lucas is sorta scary, though.

      • HistoriCat

        The idea that God is constantly tinkering with the world and reworking fundamentals of existence would explain a lot. But not Jar-Jar.

  • DahBoner

    Yo!

  • DahBoner

    People had done with their quarrels…

    Does this mean Mitt and all his followers have left for the planet Wackadu?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat
    • gullywompr

      I can't believe that guy is the GOP nominee…

      • bobbert

        Well spotted.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Mighty pretty… it almost has an oil painting look to it.

    • tessiee

      Beautiful.

      Although, sorry to be a buzzkill, but the thread is about the church kind of cardinal, not the bird kind of cardinal.

    • tessiee

      All snark aside, DW — you are a really amazing nature/bird photographer. You should be getting published in "National Geographic" or "Smithsonian" or "Hot Shit Nature Photographers Monthly" or something.

    • Doktor Zoom

      That is gorgeous. And well I remember your earlier notes on the frustrations of trying to photograph wobblers! (Those are songbirds who've joined the IWW, obviously.)

    • eggsacklywright

      Nice pics. Snappy captions. Well done.

  • gullywompr

    As an atheist, engaging in any sort of analysis of religious history is like eating cold oatmeal – if you really feel that it will make you a better person (knowledge and all…), then you will force yourself to do it, but it's boring as fuck, and not at all satisfying. Now quantum mechanics… there's a juicy steak, my friends!

    • proudgrampa

      I LOVE the story about Schroedinger's Cat!

      • UW8316154

        Did they even end of finding him?

        • gullywompr

          The Cat in the Hat Box Returns (or does he?)

    • Chichikovovich

      Especially because the use of renormalization techniques in QFT requires a belief in miracles equal to any recorded in the Gospels.

      [Killjoy mathematician speaking here.]

      • bobbert

        Oh, come on. What's a couple of infinities among friends?

      • proudgrampa

        Well, renormalization is a heck of a lot better than making stuff up, like the Cosmological Constant.

        Talk about miracles…

      • gullywompr

        Nonsense, there's simply another yet-to-be-discovered particle that will explain the whole thing.

      • billy_reuben

        Re: renormalization, no faith at all. If it works, keep it. If it doesn't, throw it out. If you have something that works better, replace it with that. Math is a powerful tool for modelling reality, not the other way around [even bigger killjoy physical scientist here.]

    • LibertyLover

      Hmmmm. Aren't you just exchanging imaginary friends for imaginary numbers?

      • UW8316154

        Still better than imaginary lovers –

        preemptively::

        ATLANTA RYTHM SECTION LIBEL

    • Negropolis

      I don't know. I'm someone that doesn't belong to religion, but I find religious stuff insanely interesting, because it's a part of the history of humanity. Religions also informs alot about particualr cultures. Religion also produces some kick-ass art and architecture.

      • gullywompr

        My avatar is testament to that. I dig cultural artifacts (figuratively), particularly ancient ones, and yes, you can't study Angkor Wat, or the Maya, or Easter Island without coming into contact with the associated belief systems. But when I was in 10th grade, if I were forced to read this textbook, I would have spent all my time in class exclusively studying the neck of the girl sitting in the desk in front of me. I have a hard time mustering up a fuck to give for Martin Luther, or the C of E, or the Puritans. That's just me.

        • billy_reuben

          So, what you're saying is… when the Christian fundamentalists become a remote, mostly extinct culture, then they will become more interesting? I could get behind that. Unlike all the other cultures you mentioned, I'm not sure what the fundies will leave behind that will be worth visiting.

        • Negropolis

          Oh, this textbook is total, utter bullshit. I like the study of religion in a anthropological sort of way. I mean, I like how you can see the differences between Protestants and Catholics manifest themselves in the architecture of, say, the north and south of the Netherlands.

          But, this subjective bullshit trying to masquerade itself as "history"? No thank you.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    So Henry VIII was or was not a tyrant? I obviously need a refresher course.

  • Nothingisamiss

    How I love your Sunday supplement, Doc Zoom!

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Charade Magazine

      • tessiee

        Ba dum tish!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Ha! I'm still not absolutely decided on "Fun With Christianists" as a series title; I'm open to suggestions. (Rebecca likes "Sundays With the Lord" but I'm not in love with that either). My kid has threatened to become a Republican if I use "Readings From the Temple Of Zoom," so I guess that's out.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          "Just Enough Religion"

          (Jonathan Swift allusion)

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Where's the crossword puzzle?

      • Doktor Zoom

        These are Christianists. All their words lead to the Cross.

        • billy_reuben

          Pfft — If only. I say bring back lion feeding. Even they admit they were nicer people back then.

  • LibrarianX

    Somebody translate this for me – are Papists banned from using the 2nd Amendment Solutions? What about Rent Boys?

    • PubOption

      I think Papists were encouraged to use their 2nd amendment rights, as long as they were in Ireland.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      They're not allowed to use them, but an exception is made for the upper levels of the heirarchy. I'm not so sure about Second Amendment solutions, however.

    • bikerlaureate

      Being a rent boy isn't unconstitutional.
      ("Yet." doesn't seem like the correct followup. It's unlikely that profession is going anywhere under a Amercian regime.)

    • UW8316154

      Rent Boys are always in style.

  • LibrarianX

    And, whose voices did Joan of Arc hear anyways?

    • Geminisunmars

      Joseph Smith's.

      • bobbert

        Did she have a magic hat, too?

    • Negropolis

      I hope it was Alan Alda's, 'cause that would be fuckin' hilarious.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

    • new_pic_for_NEWTer

      Except on Sesame Street, where the Count is dead. Long live the Count!

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    OT, but too good to miss:
    MoDo, ragging on R&R, and not pissing me off, (for once).
    I know I posted it on the last thread, but I want to share as much as I can. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/16/opinion/sunday/

  • LibrarianX

    Jonathan Edwards made Innocence of Muslims! I KNEW it!

  • sbj1964

    Have you ever wondered if dyslexic people worship DOG's?And if they do what breed?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Dachshund. Thye demand it.

  • tessiee

    "That’s what the Reformation was all about, remember, the sacred right to read the Bible for yourself and get your salvation straight from the word of God."

    Well, that, and getting the wealth, power, and social control of the church away from those swarthy ethnics (if you know who I mean), and into the hands of white, blue-eyed, Anglo-Saxon males.

    • GemlikeFlame

      And it was so impressively futile that they had to reform a couple of more times before it was all over. As far as the Papist doctrine of transubstantiation is concerned, while the Lutherans and a few other denominations dismiss it out of hand the Methodists and Presbyterians profess a faith in something semantically identical. The sophistry that Henry snubbed Protestant Christendom by wholesale adoption of Catholic doctrine is utter nonsense. The Protestant Reformation had been underway for about twenty years before Henry took most of Rome's British land holdings and power away in what is generally agreed to be a largely sectarian move, except for certain revisionist Protestant "scholars". Cites if anyone cares.

      • billy_reuben

        I care! I care! I had thought that it had been underway for about 150 years, what with John Wycliffe's Lollard movement, but why it seemingly stagnated and then later became a viable political option, that I'd like to know more about.

  • MrsConclusion

    "The American people felt a sense of unity and responsibility, characteristics they would need to stand together against the tyranny of the mother country."

    Amen. Together, as a unified whole, they unanimously agreed to bitterly disagree about slavery. But, of course, the Bible validates slavery, which is why today our slave population is thankful–not only for the fact that we live in a Christian nation, but for our obedience to the word of whatshisname–God.

  • LibrarianX

    Do Mormons believe that Jeebus chased the money changers from the Temple?

    • sbj1964

      The Mormon's sent the money changers back in time using The backward slingshot around the sun method aboard the Kolaug Mothership.

      • oenspiek

        I remember that episode! The Mothership turned out to be commanded by Kang and Kodos, right?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    These Xtains need moar skooling in wizardry. How about they all go to Pigfarts Wizardry Skool on Mars?

  • LibertyLover

    I am beginning to think that this textbook is only picking and choosing the part of history it wants to push a certain agenda.*

    *File this under the "slow learner" department. ;-)

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com/ Preacher_Griz

    ahhh! so now we come to know the great pacificist/apologists/reparationists of history who have failed their peoples all begin their names with Martin Luther:

    1) Martin Luther

    2) Martin Luther King

    3) Martin Luther Barry Soeterro Hussein Obama

    • Misty Malarky

      And they always name the scariest street in town after them.

      • tessiee

        Ironically, Martin Luther King Boulevard is hardly ever non-violent.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      And who's that Martin Luther Philandon fellow that Paul McCartney sang about? Don't forget him.

      • Doktor Zoom

        I'd open the door & let 'em in, but it's got feces nailed to it.

  • proudgrampa

    It's just sad to me to think that: 1) people are allowed to publish this crap and, 2) students are being taught this crap.

    Thus, history will repeat itself. Over and over.

  • mavenmaven

    Someone should remind these guys that what Luther would have called 'indulgences' we would now call 'superPAC's…

  • RadioX

    Christians Might Be a Little Out of Touch.

  • LibertyLover

    I wonder how the Christianists explain Baptist ministers like Rev. Howard Moody.
    http://crooksandliars.com/susie-madrak/harriet-tu

  • sbj1964

    If you attend a religious college like Notre Dame,or Liberty college isn't that like having a degree from Hogwarts?

    • greenloner

      no, hogwarts much more intellectually rigorous

      • sbj1964

        They have to be because in a religious school the correct answer to every question is Jesus did it.How can anyone even take them serious?

  • LibertyLover

    History really is much simpler and easy to understand when you reduce it to the story of how God arranged things so that America would eventually happen.

    It's ironic that people can believe that God could plot and plan and manipulate world events in such a way as to end up with a country called the United States of America and yet they cannot believe that organisms over thousands of years can't change and evolve….

    • tessiee

      I had this discussion, seriously, with a former co-worker who was a big Christian. I didn't really care what he actually believed, I just wanted him to admit that if God was God, and therefore all-powerful, therefore God was capable of making organisms that could evolve.

      • LibertyLover

        If you really wanted to blow his mind… you could have asked him if God is God, why didn't he create cars and skyscraper buildings and roads from the beginning?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Ah yes — Protestantism, which gave us several fanatical murdering tyrants in exchange for just one. And of course the real loser was science and education, including Giordano Bruno and Michael Servetus (at the hands of John Calvin) among others.

    And odd how this book, in a roundabout way, admits that the peasants knew about justice before they were brought a bible they could read. Almost makes it seem that it has no correlation to their religious indoctrination at all, really.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Bloody peasant!

      Ooh, what a giveaway! Come see the violence inherent in the system!

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        I'm being oppressed!

    • sati_demise

      those people will never agree with Rick Santorum

  • LibrarianX

    What is God's special plan for stupid people?

    • mavenmaven

      Apparently control of the Republican party.

  • WhatTheHeck

    King Henry VIII and the Church of England had nothing to do with reformation, but every thing to do with sex. Legal sex that is.
    He was sexing his way through his wimmens to produce a legal male heir.
    But typically of sex. It never produces the results you had in mind.

    Religious reformation, my ass.

    • LibertyLover

      He didn't have very good aim.

    • Veritas78

      Syphilis changes the course of history, again.

  • LibertyLover

    I can't wait until we get to the part about Catholicism Wow! and the Buddy Christ. That's the best part. http://youtu.be/_BEZaPN8gUY

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    I agree.
    I thought she might have been trying to soft-pedal it, but with a title that says: "Neocons Slither Back," I don't think she was going for subtlety.
    (I'd say Mitt deep-fried them both.)

  • Veritas78

    If wrong is to be suffered, it is better to suffer it from rulers than that the rulers suffer it from their subjects. For the mob has no moderation, and knows none … It is better to suffer wrong from one tyrant, that is, from the ruler, than from unnumbered tyrants, that is, from the mob.

    I think Luther has this backward, especially if you go by the "greatest good" math.

  • cobweb2

    It's all about the $$$. These people don't really believe this crap; they're selling books to the stoopids. I was going to order the text book because I can't wait for Wonkette's next week's critique, but the prices on Amazon and Ebay suggest that the novel has become a cult classic collectible which is out of my reach.

  • poorgradstudent

    It is better to suffer wrong from one tyrant, that is, from the ruler, than from unnumbered tyrants…

    Wait, Martin Luther had to put up with Libertarians too?

  • vulpes82

    "Christianity must not be thought of as a revolutionary political movement" Yes, NOTHING revolutionary at all in Jesus's teachings. He was totally just a status quo kind of guy.

  • oenspiek

    If god created man in his own image, does it follow that god isn't too bright?

    • billy_reuben

      Dumb all over… and maybe a little ugly on the side

  • MinAgain

    That sound you hear? Alexis de Toqueville, spinning like a damn top.

  • Schmegeg

    Class Project: Watch Season 1 of the Tudors, pay special attention to the Naughty Bits.

  • worrierqueen

    How lazy would you be to create a universe and then loaf around for 13.7 billion years. Surely his unemployment benefits have run out by now?

  • sbj1964

    One should ask themselves would I ever join a club that promotes hatred,the denigration of women,war,rape,murder,incest,cannibalism,slavery,ignorance,fear,superstition,homophobia,and intolerance?Most would say "NO".Well if you belong to a church,mosque,or temple you do.And if you don't believe me; read your membership book.