Chris Christie Won’t Be Mitt’s VP Because Chris Christie Knows A Loser When He Sees One

  rats and sinking ships and such

Only in our dreamsFor months, political comedy aficionados everywhere have been demanding a Romney-Christie “Odd Couple” GOP ticket, where Chris Christie would leave his dirty socks all over the floor after a hard day of screaming abuse at schoolteachers, and Mitt Romney would pick them up with tongs while grinning mirthlessly. Sadly, this was not to be, and probably you thought it was because Romney’s people figured out that Christie’s “fugeddaboutit” brand of Garden State rage wouldn’t play well among emotionally healthy people. But now secret inside sources have leaked to the New York Post the REAL reason: Chris Christie would have been legally required to quit as Governor of New Jersey in order to hoover up all that delicious Wall Street cash, and Chris Christie is not about to quit being Governor of New Jersey to be Mitt Romney’s running mate, because Chris Christie is pretty sure that Mitt Romney is going to lose.

So Chris Christie’s main problem (other than the seething, omnidirectional anger within him that will eventually kill him with a massive stroke) is that he’s governor of New Jersey, which is secretly where most of the superrich who run Wall Street live and, in many cases, work. These superrich people mainly backed Obama in 2008 because they were terrified of being lynched if the country devolved into violent Palin-run anarchy, but now they’re ready to give craploads of money to Mitt Romney because he looks like (is) one of them and also because Obama says mean things about them sometimes.

That sounds like great news for the guy who already lives amongst these richie riches, right? But if you need more evidence that job-killing Democrat regulations are killing America’s (governors’ chances for vice presidential) jobs, just take a look at the freedom-crushing laws that prevented a Christie candidacy:

One rule, enacted in the mid-1990s, restricts Wall Street executives whose firms underwrite municipal bonds from making personal contributions of more than $250 to a governor running for federal office — or risk being banned from doing business in that state for two years.

That severely limits banks like Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase, and Citibank from donating to a Romney-Christie ticket if Christie remained governor because they do business with New Jersey.

The second rule, enacted in 2010, limits pension-investment advisers from making campaign donations to a governor running for federal office.

That would have restricted powerhouse firms like Morgan Stanley, Lazard and Wellington Advisors from contributing, because they also do business with New Jersey.

Gah! The obvious solution, of course, would have been for Christie to quit his job upon being anointed by Romney, since he won’t be working much during the campaign anyway and then after November 6 it’s off to Washington, right?

But Christie adamantly refused to sacrifice his post, believing that being Romney’s running mate wasn’t worth the gamble.

“[Christie] felt, at one point, that [President] Obama could lose this. And, look, there still is that chance. But he knows, right now, you have to say it’s unlikely,” one source said.

Sorry, Mitt! For extra hilarity/state stereotype points, imagine that anonymously sourced quote read in the voice of beloved Simpsons character Fat Tony, as voiced by Joe Mantegna.

Chris Christie offered to weasel around these mean rules by promising that he would literally refuse to make important decisions about state bonds and pensions during the campaign, but such transparent legal-financial chicanery was too much even for Mitt Romney. Meanwhile, Paul Ryan continues to theoretically be a member of Congress, and that’s all nice and legal because members of Congress have no power over anything, so why make them quit their silly pretend jobs? Ryan is also hedging his bets and running for re-election, though he’s sure to lose that race now that his opponent did an IAmA on Reddit. [NYP]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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134 comments

  1. Respitetini

    That's really too bad. I was hoping he'd get the nod, just to leave us in the Garden State the hell alone for a little bit.

  2. Beowoof

    Chris Christie Won’t Be Mitt’s VP Because Chris Christie Knows A Loser When He Sees One

    Has Chris looked in the mirror.

  3. fartknocker

    How about Congress and the House of Representative allow the SEC to write more rules that limit the ability of investment bankers to give money to political candidates. I like rules that limit the amount of money candidates receive from these supposed job creators.

    Anything legislation to choke Citizen United vs. FEC is good for the middle class.

  4. noodlesalad

    First we had Cheney, the tin man with no Heart. Then we had Scarecrow Sarah, with no Brain. And now we find out Chris Christie didn't have the Noive. So instead we get the Wizard of Zzzz with supposedly infinite powers of fiscal responsibility. Just ignore the man behind the curtain.

    1. tessiee

      'And now we find out Chris Christie didn't have the Noive.

      Dis is expecially good, becwawse youz know dat's just how he pronounces it.

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      Don't worry. Romney will anoint Christie after he fatty-keels over. It's what mermans do.

  5. actor212

    Related, New Jersey's unemployment rate is now higher than Michigan's.

    Michigan, home of Flint. Michigan, home of bailed out auto companies.

    New Jersey, run by Fat Bastard.

    1. sewollef

      There might have been one or two jobs for Jersey boys if his Highness, Lord Fauntleroy Christie hadn't nixed the desperately needed, and federally-aided tunnel to Manhattan… given both current tunnels are at 100% capacity.

      I hear that after he cancelled the project, Lord F.C. kept the federal money he'd already received. Not sure how that little débâcle ended up though…

  6. ChernobylSoup

    So Chris Christie’s main problem (other than the seething, omnidirectional anger within him that will eventually kill him with a massive stroke)…

    Masterful stroke there, Josh.

  7. Goonemeritus

    “Romney’s people figured out that Christie’s “fugeddaboutit” brand of Garden State rage wouldn’t play well among emotionally healthy people.”

    Just for the record are the Wonkette and/or Romney’s advisors suggesting that a plurality of Garden State voters aren’t emotionally healthy?

  8. sbj1964

    Chris Christie may be the Governor of the Garden state,but he sure doesn't look like he eats many salads.

  9. SorosBot

    Here I would have thought the fact that Jersey's unemployment rate has skyrocketed under Christie would have taken him out of the running for VP. But hey, who would have thought that slashing government services and cancelling important development projects in order to pay for tax cuts for the rich and funnel government money to corporations – like yet another Atlantic City casino which has already gone bankrupt – would fail to create jobs, but instead do the opposite?

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      Yeah, but all those unemployeds are teachers and healthcare providers. Not much use for health or education in CC's New Jersey.

    2. T3rbo

      It just takes a while to trickle down, bro. It took, what, eight years or so for St. Regan's reforms to trickle down to the Clinton years. Give it some time

      1. SorosBot

        Building even more Atlantic City casinos after Pennsylvania, New York, Delaware and Maryland all have some legalized some form of casino gambling was an especially bright idea.

  10. thatsitfortheother1

    Christie's wardrobe conundrum of the day: Belt pushed below the fat or pants pulled up to the armpits.

    1. JohnnyQuick

      New York Times internal memo: On every shot of Governor Christie, 7pt caption 'not Photoshopped' must appear.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      The Hindenbloat

      Interesting factoid -the Hindenberg went down in NJ – which is more than Chris ever did.

  11. Limeylizzie

    His body is also omni-directional, especially when he was running for that helicopter. Fat Bastard cannot upset me today, we have a new arrival in the world of Limeylizzie, MrLL's daughter gave birth to Dakota Jackson De Govia Wise on Sunday he is 7lbs 11 oz and has an immense conehead that they assure me will go away, I love babies when they are spanking new, so adorable, although I was hoping for a kitten.

      1. Limeylizzie

        It's a boy. I have been in California for weeks and weeks, due to MrLL's incident in July, so it's hard to be a full-time Wonketteer here, all the family, the beach, the sun-splashed deck, feeding my finches etc. Should be back in NYC in a couple of weeks and will be full-time , idle Wonketteer again.

          1. Limeylizzie

            Yeah, I know, we were not pushing for that name, but they like it and it had to be a “D” name, father of chid's family tradition.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          Awesome, congrats! I love babies in their squishy, larval state, too. Once they start talking, though, I hand them off to someone else.

          1. sewollef

            I had to go through that pooping and crying at night stage with my little 'un. Jeez, it's trying sometimes… the daytime cuteness part is transitory though. Next thing, she asks to borrow your car.

            Mine will be 12 y.o. in September — sadly she lives with her batshit crazy mother in the south of France.

          2. anniegetyerfun

            They say that, but I'm pretty sure I can let my husband take over once the little brat starts “talking” and “thinking”.

    1. MozakiBlocks

      Outstanding! Welcome to the wonderful world of Grandparentness.

      Keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Llongyfarchiadau IS “Congratulations”” pronounced approx- as “hlong-guhvarkh-YAD-eye”

  12. Joshua Norton

    Chris Christie is not about to quit being Governor of New Jersey to be Mitt Romney’s running mate,

    Sounds like a hot button issue. Or in Christie's case, a Hot Pockets issue.

  13. SorosBot

    Thanks for the alt.text, Josh; now I've got Debbie Gibson stuck in my head, and probably will all day.

  14. LibertyLover

    Vulture/Glutton 2012 didn't have a very good ring to it anyway. Vulture/Voucher 2012 is SOoooo much better.

  15. UW8316154

    For once, I hope Christie's right!

    I also pray that Zerban is right, too – the only thing better than watching Paul Ryan lose once, is to see him lose *twice*!

  16. Lucidamente1

    On the other hand, he would have eaten Biden alive in the Vice-Presidential debate. No, I mean literally, he would have eaten him alive.

  17. el_donaldo

    This story makes sense to me, even if the logic it describes is a little screwy: he wouldn't get on the ticket because then all that sweet Wall Street money couldn't flow in and Mittens would lose his advantage, and he's not going to get on the ticket because Mittens already lost his advantage and is going to lose.

    Oh, well. Mittens: Lose, lost, lose. That's all I need.

      1. ElPinche

        I'd think twice though. His outer shell may be 100% buoyant blubber, but his inner core is made up of 5,000 sticks of butter…according to Morgan Freeman.

  18. prommie

    Christie is, and this should never be forgotten, a corrupt prosecutor at heart, a person whose corrupt brother bought him the US Attorney job by being a Bush bundler, and who then used his office as federal prosecutor to bring politically motivated "shakedown" prosecutions. He was a pioneer of the extortion racket known as a "pre-indictment plea agreement." You see, most plea bargains have to be approved by a judge, theoretically to ensure the integrity of the system by requiring the judge to confrm that the charges were warranted, and the agreed punishment is fair. But Christie would do an end-around the judge by simply threatening prosecution, and then getting his victim to agree to a pre-indictment agreement for some sort of quasi-civil settlement. He committed these acts of extortion against businesses and corporations and often forced them to agree to a receivership or appointment of long-term auditors. Then Christie, with no judicial review, would get to appoint the auditor or receiver who would then be paid in the many millions as part of the extortion agreement. Christie threw John Ashcroft a $20 million bone in this way.

      1. prommie

        Well I mean truly there is very little that is more evil than a corrupt prosecutor. I mean there are only a handful of things about which it can be said with no hyperbole that, at least according to Dante, there is a special circle in hell for those who do it. There is a special circle in hell for corrupt prosecutors.

        1. thatsitfortheother1

          Yeah, I have a hard time too with anyone who is in a public position and uses it for undue personal gain.

          1. prommie

            Easy for you to say, you don't have to be prommie. I have to be prommie, and I can't stand me. I'm sick of myself, in the words of mr. sweet.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            Copycat. In the words OF WHOM? I called it first you know! And you are smart and people SHOULD like you, even if it is a bitch to have to be you right now.

  19. YasserArraFeck

    Because campaigning with Mittens would mean an endless round of alcohol- and caffeine-free meetings. FAAAAHK THAT!!

  20. sewollef

    Christie should have a chat with his good friend and fellow New Jersey resident, Bruce Springsteen…. I'm sure Bruce will offer fat fuck some really sound advice.

  21. Dashboard Buddha

    What would make this remake even funnier would be knowing that Chrisie (R-Cruller), uses those tongs to extend the reach of his ass wiping hand. Then, Mitt would have a hilarious puzzled-dog look ever time the audience laughed when he picked up the socks. "What's so funny about picking up socks", he'd ask.

  22. Ducksworthy

    Sorry, but I'm afraid that appealing or not appealing to these mythical "emotionally healthy people" is not part of the Rove strategy.

  23. tessiee

    This has perked me up a bit.
    Even aside from the endorphin high from the (admittedly predictable) laugh at the expense of Fat'n'Shouty…
    I grew up among guys just like Chris Christie, and whatever else you can say about them, they're not stupid not lacking in self-preservation instinct.
    If Christie refuses to hitch his wagon to Mitt, perhaps there's some hope for us, after all.

  24. Slim_Pickins

    The "Ryan for Congress" signs went up here in his district after he signed on wit(sic) Mitt. Guess he's hedging his bets too.

Comments are closed.