Missouri Congressman and GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin is a brilliant scientist (with a B.S. in something called “Management Engineering”) and is therefore highly qualified to speak on the intricacies of female anatomy, especially when it comes to the heretofore unknown magic powers of the reproductive system. Did you know, for example, that the uterus is able to determine the difference between “legitimate” and “illegitimate” rape? I bet you didn’t even know there was a difference, unlike Todd Akin, who currently serves on the House of Representatives Science and Technology Committee thanks to his expertise. In science.
Not only does your uterus know the difference, but in the case of “legitimate” rape, it will shut down, trapping the the rape-sperm and preventing it from reaching your pure and unspoiled eggs. That means the approximately 32,000 women who become pregnant each year from rape were the victims of illegitimate rape. What’s the difference between legitimate and illegitimate rape? We’ve compiled this helpful guide from what we assume Todd Akin (B.S. in Management Engineering and member of the House Science and Technology Committee, just to recap) believes.
Scenario 1: A white virgin female wearing modest clothing is returning to her home after her Wednesday Bible study class. She is accosted at knifepoint by a large, unkempt black man wearing an “Obama 2012” hat, who drags her into an alley and rapes her.
Determination: Legitimate rape. Her uterus shuts down immediately, expelling the rapist’s semen as she prays to God for forgiveness.
Scenario 2: At a party where alcoholic beverages are being consumed, a young woman passes out in a private bedroom. A man of the same age and race finds her and proceeds to have sexual relations as she sleeps peacefully.
Determination: Illegitimate rape. Because the woman’s own moral turpitude is entirely to blame for the situation she was placed in, her uterus is unable to resist her beau’s sperm. It is quite likely that God will bless her with a pregnancy.
Scenario 3: A woman arranges to meet a date she met online at an art gallery. He is boorish and three inches shorter than his profile suggested. She agrees to go back to his apartment only to tell him that she does not want to see him again. But at soon as they get inside he assaults her brutally, keeping her prisoner for three days.
Determination: Illegitimate rape. Because she did not use a Todd Akin-approved dating service (Christian Mingle or eHarmony), the woman in this scenario is responsible both for her own predicament and the child God will now bestow upon her.