IT'S EITHER HIM OR JOHN BOLTON  4:40 pm July 5, 2012

Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

by Josh Fruhlinger

And this tweet was liked by ... the Syrian National Council? Sure, why notOh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November.

Here is Donald Trump’s important interview with Greta van Susteren’s immobile, unblinking face:

For anyone for whom the prospect of hearing Donald-Greta chatter is too awful to bear, the short version is that Trump knows through his inside sources that Nobama is going to start a war with Iran right before the election, which he will then win in a landslide, because history has shown that Americans rally behind the guy who just started a war in the Middle East for no good reason. (The last part of that sentence was meant to be sarcastic, but then we realized it was actually completely accurate and got real sad.) Trump emphasizes that he loves war a lot and that America would totally win the U.S.-Iran Nobama War of 2012-2019, but that we “hold all the cards” in negotiations with them and that we should get “100%” of what we ask for in those negotiations, so war would be a bad idea. “If you send in the right person to negotiate we’ll win much more than we ever could win through war,” he says, in what has to be the most disgusting pile of hippie puke ever spewed forth on any Rupert Murdoch-owned network.

But wait, could Donald Trump have … a hidden agenda? Notice his emphasis on the “right person” negotiating with those Persian crum-bums. Later, he repeats that “the right person should negotiate a phenomenal deal.” I mean, yes, assuming sanity prevails and President Romney doesn’t inherit a terrible war in January 2013, who should be there to negotiate … a truly phenomenal deal with the Iranians?

DOES THIS FACE SCARE YOU AYATOLLAH ASSHOLA

As the interview develops, Trump emphasizes that if our negotiators knew what they were doing, we would have demanded half of Libya’s oil in return for the assistance we gave to the rebels, rather than just doing it because we “hated dictators” or whatever. So, yes, Donald Trump is campaigning openly to be Secretary of State, and will preside over a brave new era of diplomacy in which we will openly demand the right to nations’ natural resources if they know what’s good for them. Don’t worry, though, the walled and heavily guarded oil extraction compounds we build in conquered territory will be tremendous compounds, very quality.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 98 comments }

i_AM_ready July 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Puffy, short-fingered vulgarian said what?

OldWhiteLies July 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm

But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows …

OK. That's it for me. Will the last one out please get teh lights and lock up on your way out? Drinkage, and soon, is what's required at this point.

Antispandex July 5, 2012 at 4:50 pm

You don't become a self made millionaire with your daddy's money, and take advantage of bankruptcy laws that you think shouldn't be used by others, by accident you know.

sullivanst July 5, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Well, not me, I'm out too. Run, don't walk, to the liquor cabinet.

Now I have the most obnoxious song from John Mayer's shitty newist album stuck in my head that my step-daughter is obsessed with: "Whiskey whiskey whiskey"

Antispandex July 5, 2012 at 4:45 pm

"…important interview with Greta van Susteren…."

Now THAT'S an oxymoron….or ironic. I can never keep that straight, but it's one or the other. Or both.

actor212 July 5, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Oxyironic?

Antispandex July 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Thumb thrust for the correction. Thanks!

Baconzgood July 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Isn't that also known as hill-billy heroin?

smokefilledroommate July 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm

oxymoronic.

justkillmenow July 5, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Oxycontinic?

HarryButtle July 5, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Rain on your wedding day…black fly in your chardonnay…no smoking sign on your cigarette break…10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife…

Nope. "Interview with Greta Van Susteren" is evidently not ironic according to Professor Morrissette. Of course, that could be because it's a bitch to rhyme "van Susteren."

flamingpdog July 5, 2012 at 9:45 pm

wo-man blusterin'

actor212 July 5, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Donald Trump's condos will be used to lavishly store the world class nuclear weapons he's helping them build.

nounverb911 July 5, 2012 at 4:46 pm

"Trump is campaigning openly to be Secretary"
He can borrow one of Lindsey Graham's dresses for the interview.

TribecaMike July 5, 2012 at 4:46 pm

In Farsi, "phenomenal" means "we shall execute the demonic rich in their penthouses."

weejee July 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm

And there's always the olde favorite Persian saying:
شما از کار اخراج دونالد.

TribecaMike July 5, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Try saying that five times real fast while cleaning out your desk.

Negropolis July 6, 2012 at 12:31 am

Hell, try even saying it once very slowly, and I'll buy you all dinner.

LionHeartSoyDog July 5, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Sounds great, if they can get a wmd that is that specific.

emmelemm July 5, 2012 at 4:47 pm

The last part of that sentence was meant to be sarcastic, but then we realized it was actually completely accurate and got real sad.

Buck up, little camper.

Not_So_Much July 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm

This is bad news. It's not like Donald has ever been wrong about anything.

rickmaci July 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Donald Trump is the perfect example for why there should be debtor's prisons.

badseeds July 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Man, I bet you can really bang out the twitters when your fingers are as short as vulgar Donald's are.

OkieDokieDog July 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Damn you NBC, for giving this bloviating ignoramus a crappy assed reality show.

ChernobylSoup July 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm

We should send him to Iran to sort out their finances. They'd be bankrupt in no time. Call it the Trumpnet virus.

Pithaughn July 5, 2012 at 5:58 pm

or the SuxtobeTrump malware.

JustPixelz July 5, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Trump was kind enough to give us a preview of his Middle East negotiating technique:

Look at what's going on with your gasoline prices. They're going to go to $5, $6, $7 and we don't have anybody in Washington that calls OPEC and says, "Fellas, it's time. It's over. You're not going to do it anymore."

… I'm going to look 'em in the eye and say, "Fellas, you've had your fun. Your fun is over.

Or…

Stephanopoulos: It would take hundreds of thousands of troops to secure the oil fields.

Trump: Excuse me. No, it wouldn’t at all.

Stephanopoulos: So, we steal an oil field?

Trump: Excuse me. You’re not stealing. Excuse me. You’re not stealing anything. You’re taking– we’re reimbursing ourselves– at least, at a minimum, and I say more.

spends2much July 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Are you shitting me? This is a real exchange? I must have blocked it out in order not to jump off a bridge in despair for human intelligence.

Veritas78 July 5, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Apparently, Trump did look them in the eye and tell them their fun was over. Proof: gas prices are now at $3.30. The man's a genius, and quite the negotiator!

Secretary of State is a consolation prize, though. Maybe we can nominate him for President by acclaim. Romney should step aside for a real businessman, leader, and job creator.

Negropolis July 6, 2012 at 12:32 am

Stephanopoulos: It would take hundreds of thousands of troops to secure the oil fields.

Trump: Excuse me. No, it wouldn’t at all.

Stephanopoulos: So, we steal an oil field?

Trump: Excuse me. You’re not stealing. Excuse me. You’re not stealing anything. You’re taking– we’re reimbursing ourselves– at least, at a minimum, and I say more.

This is Trump in his entirety. There is nothing beyond this. Reimburse ourselves, indeed.

mavenmaven July 5, 2012 at 4:50 pm

He just wants to marry Miss Iran from his last Miss Universe program.

Guppy July 5, 2012 at 8:28 pm

And the Miss Universe organizers will make sure that she's not a "trap."

MittBorg July 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Is there anyone (other than a few fringie delusional nutbags) who takes teh Donald seriously and doesn't just think everything that comes out of his piehole is a desperate attempt at reaping publicity? Anyone?

johnnyzhivago July 5, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Yes, the teabaggers I know love the guy…. Think he "makes sense"

MittBorg July 5, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Dood, I bleev I covered that under "fringie delusional nutbags."

bobbert July 6, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Unfortunately, not "few".

MittBorg July 7, 2012 at 12:46 pm

OK, I'll give you that.

TribecaMike July 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

"We do not negotiate with terrorists, unless there's a possibility of a sweet real estate development deal." — Ronald Reagan, June 18, 1985

metamarcisf July 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Not only that. Why isn't Trump blaming Obama for falling gasoline prices?

anniegetyerfun July 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm

He's got a face made for radio. And a voice made for silent movies. There's really no good medium for him.

MittBorg July 7, 2012 at 12:48 pm

A "medium" setting on a roasting oven?

BaldarTFlagass July 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

This guy should have his own TV show.

Baconzgood July 5, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Who?

weejee July 5, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Does teh Donald think Barry should be moar like Saint Ronnie and invade something closer like Granada? How about Staten Island?

prommie July 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Vile, insufferable, preening, ignorant, vulgar blowhard is a vile, insufferable, preening, ignorant, vulgar blowhard.

Fox n Fiends July 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm

That's a clown bro. Question.

Baconzgood July 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm

"Only Republicans can bomb the shit out of brown people muther fucker."

-Donald Trump-

Fairtackle July 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm

“If you send in the right person to negotiate we’ll win much more than we ever could win through war,"

and would this "right person" just happen to be a reality TV star, hmmmm?

I think he is referring to Tila Tequila.

anniegetyerfun July 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I have more faith in Tila's negotiating tactic's than Donald's. Although I imagine there'd be ample dick-sucking in either scenario.

Fairtackle July 5, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I am sure Tila could negotiate the chrome off a trailer hitch.

smokefilledroommate July 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm

…for political advantage, for himself–taking us to war

That sounds exactly like Obama!

OneYieldRegular July 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm

@BarackObama? Oh my god – a Twitter attack on Iran. Won't someone think of the children?

Antispandex July 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Teh Donald should go to Iran on September 1st and offer himself as one of those human shields.

Toomush_Infer July 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Hubris – Trump can't spell it, can't explain it, it's not for him….

Doktor Zoom July 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm

For some reason, this 1980 cartoon came to mind. Jeff MacNelly was pretty good before he started doing "Shoe."

(Hey, Josh, remember "Cartoon Violence?")

flamingpdog July 5, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Yet somehow I seem to remember something about the Ayatollyaso cutting a deal with Ronnie Raygun's bush-puppy to hang onto the hostages until after the election.

And hey, great line from "Shoe": "I'm not getting older, I'm getting bitter."

not that Radio July 5, 2012 at 6:23 pm

If Josh refuses to reanimate (je je) Cartoon Violence, then you're just going to have to expand your empire here.

prommie July 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm

One would ordinarily have to go to a bowling alley to find an opinion so ignorant, racist, xenophobic, bellicose, and stupid.

Estproph July 5, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Trump is the ultimate example of failing upward.

MissTaken July 5, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Other things The Donald predicted:

1. Beta's dominance over VHS
2. Dewey defeats Truman
3. Katie and Tom's 50th Wedding Anniversary
4. Adam Sandler Oscar win for Jack And Jill

Barb July 5, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Lol @ Katie and Tom's 50th anniversary. All they needed was a Slim Jim rack and a Slurpee machine to make that a complete marriage of convenience.

ChernobylSoup July 5, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I thought discovery of the Higgs boson would prove that a Donald Trump could not exist in an orderly universe. Back to the drawing board, eggheads.

smokefilledroommate July 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Trump thinks he's top quark, but he ain't shit.

MissTaken July 5, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I comfort myself knowing that right now in some parallel universe there's a homeless bald man named Donald Trump who shouts about 'birth certificates' on the street corner while people flying by on their jetpacks just point and laugh.

smokefilledroommate July 5, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I'd like to send him back to his period of relevance– the '80's, so he could live in his stupid little '80's bubble forever and not bother the rest of us.

flamingpdog July 5, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Trump is held together by Higgs Bozone.

smokefilledroommate July 6, 2012 at 12:22 am

Are you sure it's not the 'knob particle', Skanks Bosom?

SayItWithWookies July 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Just to test his theory, Trump should stroll his yuge ass into Baghdad and negotiate with the Iraqis for their oil. I'm sure it would be an incredible deal. World class.

JackObin July 5, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Little Donnie Trump is an idiot, which explains his popularity.

fartknocker July 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm

He should commission someone from Deviant Art to make his own national JPEG. I'm envisioning him searching for the President's birth certificate with a large monocle, while shooting foreign made weapon at real estate regulators, while riding breast enhanced tiger named Puma.

anniegetyerfun July 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Yes, because murdering more dark-haired foreign people is sure to rally Obama's liberal communist base.

BarackMyWorld July 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm

This is good news for John McCain, whose foreign policy ideas sound perfectly sane and reasonable when compared to Donald Trump (but hardly anyone else).

HogeyeGrex July 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Well, since he no longer gets the Garish Ivanaian Rear Area…

anniegetyerfun July 5, 2012 at 5:13 pm

To be perfectly fair, I think it might against Iranian law to build non-garish condos.

coolhandnuke July 5, 2012 at 5:13 pm

My grandpaps told me to never trust anyone who eats pizza with a fork or combs his hair with a shop-vac.

fawkedifiknow July 5, 2012 at 5:15 pm

And here I thought he was just an orange-wig stand. The Donald has Nixonian foreign policy moxie.

Extemporanus July 5, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Like all reality teevee dictators, Trump knows that you don't introduce new products in August.

But come late October, "OPERATION IRANIAN SWEEPS WEEK" is…green-lit!

"Missiles…YOU'RE FIRED!"

flamingpdog July 5, 2012 at 5:19 pm

"Trump: The Art of the Deal", by Donald Trump with Tony Schwartz

And all you libtards gripe about how the Donald doesn't know any blacks.

smokefilledroommate July 5, 2012 at 5:21 pm

A billionaire with really bad hair transplants, a reporter that talks out of the side of her mouth and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad walk into a bar…

LionHeartSoyDog July 5, 2012 at 6:43 pm

…walk into a bar of soap. One of them drops it…

smokefilledroommate July 5, 2012 at 7:26 pm

I guess the punchline would be some kind of gold plated side-mouthed ululation?

TribecaMike July 5, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Isn't something supposed to actually happen before one can crow about having prophesied it?

(And with that huge waste of brain, I've earned the first beer of the day.)

Woodshedding July 5, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Oh, he's going to be SO BUMMED when someone (who watches the 2% of TV programming that's actually valuable) tells him that this was already done, and they called it Arrested Development.

johnnyzhivago July 5, 2012 at 5:54 pm

So are the Trump Gaza Plaza plans are on or off?

ASHLEIGH_Joe July 5, 2012 at 5:55 pm

So, after three years of constantly demanding that we bomb Iran, the claim now is suddenly that if Obama bombs Iran, it's proof that he's Morally Weak?

not that Radio July 5, 2012 at 6:24 pm

This must be a legitimate criticism, because Rick Santorum is also saying it.

rocktonsam July 5, 2012 at 6:43 pm

to Donnie's credit, he is the only douche bag in Merika not running for any political office

and the biggest douche bag also

LionHeartSoyDog July 5, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Wow.
You win, young lady.

Nostrildamus July 5, 2012 at 7:10 pm

I was skeptical of his message, but the hair clinched it.

Guppy July 5, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Trump knows through his inside sources

Are these the same "inside sources" that found "very interesting things" while cruising Honolulu bars for Japanese tourists?

TribecaMike July 5, 2012 at 9:11 pm

When last heard from, his investigators were dumpster diving in Ala Moana.

flamingpdog July 5, 2012 at 9:56 pm

that we should get “100%” of what we ask for in those negotiations = RethugliKlan definition of "compromise".

BZ1 July 5, 2012 at 10:40 pm

the Donald said something??

ttommyunger July 5, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Trump and VanShitstorm at the same time pegged the needle on my teevee's ugly meter. Still trying to get it to reset….

Designer_Radio July 5, 2012 at 11:59 pm

So… Trump's ALWAYS had that hair "style"?

Negropolis July 6, 2012 at 12:22 am

Trump is offensive to all of my senses, even my sixth one. But, he's wealthy, so that makes him better than most of us.

I tell you, if I had the chance to disabuse America of one of the lies it holds dear it would be the lie that being wealthy is in and of itself a virtue.

gurukalehuru July 6, 2012 at 8:22 am

Except for the fact that Trump said it, which makes it automatically mockable and ridiculous, I agree with the underlying sentiment. One good negotiator is more valuable than an army, and a small sliver of a fragment of a part of the cost.
Which is why I am very glad that Hillary Clinton is Secretary of State.

Jus_Wonderin July 6, 2012 at 9:41 am

I think it is fair to say that if Donald just kept the dick in his mouth, we'd not have to hear this shit.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: