Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

Oh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November.

Here is Donald Trump’s important interview with Greta van Susteren’s immobile, unblinking face:

For anyone for whom the prospect of hearing Donald-Greta chatter is too awful to bear, the short version is that Trump knows through his inside sources that Nobama is going to start a war with Iran right before the election, which he will then win in a landslide, because history has shown that Americans rally behind the guy who just started a war in the Middle East for no good reason. (The last part of that sentence was meant to be sarcastic, but then we realized it was actually completely accurate and got real sad.) Trump emphasizes that he loves war a lot and that America would totally win the U.S.-Iran Nobama War of 2012-2019, but that we “hold all the cards” in negotiations with them and that we should get “100%” of what we ask for in those negotiations, so war would be a bad idea. “If you send in the right person to negotiate we’ll win much more than we ever could win through war,” he says, in what has to be the most disgusting pile of hippie puke ever spewed forth on any Rupert Murdoch-owned network.

But wait, could Donald Trump have … a hidden agenda? Notice his emphasis on the “right person” negotiating with those Persian crum-bums. Later, he repeats that “the right person should negotiate a phenomenal deal.” I mean, yes, assuming sanity prevails and President Romney doesn’t inherit a terrible war in January 2013, who should be there to negotiate … a truly phenomenal deal with the Iranians?

As the interview develops, Trump emphasizes that if our negotiators knew what they were doing, we would have demanded half of Libya’s oil in return for the assistance we gave to the rebels, rather than just doing it because we “hated dictators” or whatever. So, yes, Donald Trump is campaigning openly to be Secretary of State, and will preside over a brave new era of diplomacy in which we will openly demand the right to nations’ natural resources if they know what’s good for them. Don’t worry, though, the walled and heavily guarded oil extraction compounds we build in conquered territory will be tremendous compounds, very quality.