About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • Barb

    Trust me, I'm an eye doctor.

    • Come here a minute

      Board certified, by my own board!

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      His patients and supporters must all be blind.

    • TribecaMike

      I'm a self-certified masturbator, but that doesn't mean my dick trusts me.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Well, you're so clingy.

  • nounverb911

    Just because you were born doesn't make you human.

    • Callyson

      Well, of course not: you people want to be human, get off your lazy asses and incorporate already…

      • tessiee

        Or be a fetus.

        • sullivanst

          Tricky to do after one is born. Although, if you can have a wine-cooler baby and still be a virgin afterwards, I guess it can't be ruled out.

      • bflrtsplk

        Otherwise, you won`t be eligible to vote.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Just because you have a nickname that pays homage to the worst woman who ever lived doesn't mean you should be clueless about how the government works.

  • mrpuma2u

    Just because the highest court full of strict constitutionalists who forgot more about the constitution than I'll ever know said it was constitutional, uh freedumz and shrunken head gubmints. I look like Harpo, also.

    • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

      Or Marjoe Gortner.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I bet I am the only one that will get that.

        • finallyhappy

          I remember MarJoe and i get it

        • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

          You must haz an old, like me :)

        • tessiee

          No you're not, unfortunately.

        • bflrtsplk

          There was a movie about that guy

      • viennawoods13

        Yeah, but he was a dentist.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Little Rand Paul, "Wah! I'm gonna tell my daddy and he'll beat you up!"

  • nounverb911

    Someone please remind Randy that all of the politicians die at the end of “Atlas Shrugged”.

    • comptoneffect

      So what you're saying is that it has a happy ending.

    • mrpuma2u

      Someone also remind him that Ayn was a rabid atheist, and thought all devout people were dupes and dullards. In his case she was spot on.

      • MosesInvests

        Aqua Buddha libel!

    • mayor_quimby

      I never got that far, I cheated the fuck outta that segment of my freshman curriculum. I blacked that shit out of my memory, still have that piece of shit on my bookshelf.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Ah. I see.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Does this fucking idiot understand what "Rule of Law" means? Does he understand the United States' tripartite form of government, and what "lawful" or "law of the land," or, hey, fuck, even LAW or JUDGE or CONSTITUTION fucking MEANS?

    I give up. It is NOT too early to start drinking. I'm'a commence on my inebriation right fucking now.

    • comptoneffect

      I'm way ahead of you. I just got my second Sam Adams in a bar with wi-fi. A few more and even Randian idiocy won't brother me.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I bleev I have at least six bottles of good white wine in this house. Two should render me unconscious to further assaults upon my intelligence, and by the time I down the third, assuming my various appendages are still working, I bleev I won't give a handpainted fuck what the Republicans are saying.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Funny annecdote. In a team meeting yesterday one of my team said "JW, you are an alcoholic" because they all know of my fondness for the Vodka. I shot back, "No, you are wrong. I am a functioning alcoholic". We laughed and laughed and laughed.

          What was I talking about??????????

    • Goonemeritus

      No he doesn’t, he only understands that sharing is for pussies greed is good and thanks to the convention of wearing clothes no one can tell he is hung like a hamster.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I'm gobsmacked that people are capable of saying things this stupid. This guy attended Duke, which has a reputation as a *good* school, not the usual Confederacy of Dunces that passes for an institution of higher learning here.

        • Goonemeritus

          Duke provides a better than average opportunity to get an excellent education. Not all the privileged and entitled youth that attend take full advantage. You can lead a Libertarian to logic but you can’t get him to put down the bong.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Sigh. I've had my lips pressed to a bong for a good part of today and lemme tellya even I recognize the flaws in this guy's "thinking." He's gonna have to find something else to blame other than marijuana or Aquabuddha. He's a putz, that's all there is to it. A hopeless schmendrick, a schlemiel, a schmuck.

          • sullivanst

            The bong's just what he did while indulging in his preference to not learn anything, ever.

          • Toomush_Infer

            Um, his poppa is a Schlemiel, he's a baby Schlemiel..?

        • finallyhappy

          Stupid people go to every school including every Ivy. Just depends on how you got in and what you did while you were there.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I gotta tell ya, I worked so hard to educate myself. So fucking hard.

            Don't mind me, I don't often wallow in resentment, but just once I'd like to sneak up behind this guy with a brown paper bag, pop it in his ear, scream "Hyaaah!!" at the top of my lungs, pants him, and then slap him twice on each cheek. It would make me feel SO much better.

          • tessiee

            Do it to Boner; it will make him cry.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            For that schmendrick, I have a complete collection of whips and paddles.

          • sullivanst

            Just saying "Hello" to Boner is enough to get the waterworks going.

          • sullivanst

            See, this is why Romney's even more wrong than most people are pointing out.

            Not only should smart kids who can't afford it be denied education on that basis, for the good of society, but stupid rich kids shouldn't go to college either, because they crowd out more deserving students.

            It'd be vaguely interesting to do some analysis on what effect these entitled pricks have on tuition rates. On one hand they're not draining financial aid resources, but on the other hand their parents will pay whatever it takes to make sure Johnny isn't a total fucking embarrassment to them the rest of their lives, which surely drives up the price colleges can command?

          • finallyhappy

            the people I know or know of (here in the DC area) spend the money in private high schools, expensive tutors(really expensive for private SAT tutoring) and private college "counselors"(not saying how they spread the money around or if they write essays and applications for the kids- ok, I'm saying they do). And these private schools make sure every kid gets in somewhere relatively decent(not Ivy but certainly not the local community colleges and sometimes far away at a little known private college)- short of a felony conviction(those come in college- earlier bad behavior was hushed up/paid for- yes, George Hughley of Landon/UVA- talking about you)

          • scvirginia

            "but stupid rich kids shouldn't go to college either, because they crowd out more deserving students."

            I'm not sure about that. It's helpful for smart poor or middle class kids to be educated about the real world, and if they're protected from the stupid rich fucks they'll have to work for/ with after college, are you doing anyone any favors?

            And then there's the Pollyannish view that the stupid rich kids are gonna end up in positions of authority anyway so might as well try to reach 'em to teach 'em while you maybe still can?

          • sullivanst

            Internships are the best way to learn about dumb fools in positions of power, rather moreso than encountering them as peers in a scenario where they're mostly harmless (as long as you don't have long hair, a vagina or dark skin).

            If we didn't give their fellow aristocrats the cover of some letters from a fancy school to hire the rich morons, would they still end up in positions of authority?

        • tessiee

          He went to Duke? So, he's from New Jersey?*

          *When I worked at UNC, the stereotype of Duke was that everyone there was from New Jersey and majored in Business. On April Fool's Day, UNC's school paper came out with a parody version of Duke's school paper in which they interviewed, "Shelly, a Business major from New Jersey", "Ronnie, a Business Chemistry major from New Jersey", "Michael, a Business History major from New Jersey", "Glenda, a Business Poetry major from New Jersey", etc., in various articles.

          • Boojum

            Two of my high school classmates — from East Tennessee — went to Duke. That was 2.3 % of my graduating class.

    • Callyson

      Shit, I still have to drive somewhere first. But yeah, after that I am cracking into the supply I bought when I thought HCR would be overturned…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Yay! Drink a glass for all of us!

        Hell, drink one for *each* of us.

    • sullivanst

      Somebody clearly never took a civics class, right? Should we email bomb him with links to the wiki page for Marbury vs. Madison and/or the text of Federalist no. 78?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You don't really think he's heard of the Federalist Papers, do you?

        • sullivanst

          Well, that's why he'd need to be sent the text ;)But, Daddy's fanboys are fond of discussing them, although rarely realize that they're almost invariably just proving how little they understand them in the process, so I imagine he's heard of them, even if that's the full extent of his awareness of them.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            True. That distinction *needs* to be drawn, too. They've *heard of* the law, the Constitution, the tripartite system of power, Dred Scott, Roe v. Wade, and so forth. And that is the entire extent of their knowledge of these issues, nor have they any interest whatsoever in expanding their knowledge.

      • Boojum

        Law is hard.

    • ChapterUndVerse

      Well, crap, if the Supremes can't judge law, can we get a do-over on Citizens United? ANd the election in 2000, also. Too.

  • edgydrifter

    So now the Constitution is just like the Bible? Who the fuck cares what the words say, I'll decide what they mean.

    • Come here a minute

      As long as your heart is pure, it means whatever you want!

  • Goonemeritus

    Just because a plurality of Kentuckians calls you Senator doesn’t make you Senatorial.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Or a statesman

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Has this guy passed the Turing test?

    • emmelemm

      What about the Voight-Kampff test?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I'd like to know if he ever passed an IQ test. The staggering stupidity of that statement puts the lie to any claim of intelligence on the part of the issuer.

        • sullivanst

          I doubt he could pass a Rorschach test.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            I see boobs!

          • doloras

            Funnily enough, his politics are quite similar to those of Walter "Rorschach" Kovacs.

      • tessiee

        The only hyphenated test this asscarrot could pass would contain the words "Dunning" and "Kruger".

    • Limeylizzie

      He's gay , British and a genius?

      • tessiee

        *raises hand*
        Ooh! I know this one!
        Stephen Fry.
        *pleased*

        • scvirginia

          Thumbs up!

    • PubOption

      He shows no sign of stopping.

      • sullivanst

        I think I can prove he eventually will, though.

        • GemlikeFlame

          Wait… You're going to have to solve the halting problem first, which at a minimum needs the equivalent of another Rand Paul to second guess the first one, and then another one to second guess the second Rand Paul. This leads to an infinite regress in which the universe fills up with Rand Pauls and you'll always need at least one more.

          Bad idea.

          (This is a parody of the partial halting solution. Had this been real computer science you would have known that the halting problem is undecidable. Go on on about your business, citizen.)

          • sullivanst

            Well, yes, if Rand Paul was immortal. But he isn't. The end.

            (I'm quite familiar with the halting problem – for instance, while it means you can't in general prove that an arbitrary program will stop, it doesn't mean there aren't specific programs for which it can be proven)

          • GemlikeFlame

            Yes, I know, though I'd have to sit down and think about the longevity of an infinite series of Rand Pauls. Bad nerd humor.

    • tessiee

      "Has this guy passed the Turing test?"

      Don't be silly; he's obviously not intelligent enough to play chess against a computer.

    • Nostrildamus

      Let's get him into a cricket test. It takes years to get out of those.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      He couldn't pass a urine test wit a crib sheet.

  • poorgradstudent

    "Just because Congress legislates something does not make it a law." -Rand Paul's Guide to Government

  • notreelyhelping

    Department of Total Denial. Take a number.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Department of Total Denial. Take a number turtle.

      Anyone in this much denial doesn't deal in "facts," like, you know, numbers.

  • CivicHoliday

    I seem to recall learning something different. In elementary school. Rand, you were either on bath salts through your entire childhood, or you are one of the most willfully ignorant people on the planet.

    • comptoneffect

      One possibility does not exclude the other.

    • emmelemm

      One (compound) word:

      Homeschooled.

      • UW8316154

        Homescholed.

        /fixed that for ya ;)

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be ‘constitutional’ does not make it so.

    It's not like that's their entire job description or anything…..

    I'm telling you, the republican party pretty much peaked with Lincoln.

    • DahBoner

      Best damn vampire hunter the Republican party ever seen…

    • PuglyDoRight

      Except for that Teddy Roosevelt blip, but then he wised up and formed his own party.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Just because you say you are a board certified opthamologist, doesn't make it so.
    http://wonkette.com/416013/is-rand-paul-a-board-c

  • Fairtackle

    Where did he go to school, Louisiana?

  • Chichikovovich

    Shut up and eat your broccoli, Rand.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    Just because a bunch of ignorant toothless fucks made you a Senator, it doesn't make so.

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      don't forget drunk and inbred.

  • Gleem McShineys

    I've heard this same argument made by just about every single convicted criminal, about the judge that ruled them guilty.

    I am saying put Rand Paul in jail, I guess?

    • sullivanst

      Sounds like they all should've asked for a jury trial…

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    Also, does being a Libertarian dickbag make you unable to count heads or figure out what "majority" means?

    • sullivanst

      That sounds like a chicken-or-egg problem to me.

  • OldWhiteLies

    NOT BLOODY EFFING BRIEF ENOUGH!

    Needz moar lesser. As in lesser than zero. As in any moar exposure to mr. SmugMug (does this guy do smug well, or what?) is detrimental to my health.

    This fucker is just such a puerile little silver spoon bastard. He is really the perfect running mate to Rmoney. The Insular Duo.

  • Not_So_Much

    He gets more smarter all the time.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I miss crazy old fucker Jim Bunning.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    I read on Wonket yesterday that Holder and Obama were led away in handcuffs, does anybody know, has Biden been sworn in yet?

    • TribecaMike

      Biden is seeking sanctuary at his local IHop.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I can sympathize — there are certainly some dumbass Supreme Court decisions, like Dredd Scott and Citizens United, that I've thought were wrongly determined. And just because the justices find something Constitutional doesn't make it right. For instance, the ACA is Constitutional, and Rand Paul just ain't right.

    • Boojum

      Plessy v. Ferguson.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid

    "I'm smart! I have 'Opinions' too!!"

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Yeah, except you know he spells it SRAMT.

    • tessiee

      "It ain't the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I'm smart and I want respect!" — Fredo Corleone

      • HistoriCat

        So what you're saying is you want to take Rand Paul on a fishing trip?

  • chascates

    You don't have to be an eye doctor to know which way the wind blows.

    • DahBoner

      Cousin Leroy in the basement mixing up his medicine?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    It doesn't? We'll I'll be a crossed eyed optometrist with a toilet paper diploma.

  • SorosBot

    Yes, what one random idiot thinks about a law's constitutionality is so much more important that what the Supreme Court decides.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Of course, because, why do we have a Supreme Court anyway? I mean, it's not, like, in the Con-stuh-TOO-shun or anything, is it?

    • LetUsBray

      Yeah, that's where the idiots whose opinions we're stuck with are.

  • Arken

    What was that, Rand? Sorry, I was distracted by that dead squirrel you keep on top of your head.

    • PuglyDoRight

      Reminds me of the SNL fake commercial about the pube hair transplants.

  • TribecaMike

    I cede. This guy is a genius!

    • Boojum

      I'll cede if Kentucky will secede.

  • orygoon

    You are too kind. *I* hope he has a miserable weekend, every weekend.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Everybody knows that Aqua Buddha is the final arbiter of the Constitution anyway.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Ronaldo de Fuchs Titticaca! Trying to jump into a thread quickly enough to avoid the 50 comment thread collapse threshold is trying at times. Oy vey. Uff da. Ay yai yai.

    • DustBowlBlues

      "50 comment thread collapse threshold"

      Is that a new rule on the wonket? It sucks to be too busy to hangout with the friends I actually like.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Ronaldo de Fuchs Cantinelli! Note to self, avoid references to nicaraguan lakes.

  • glamourdammerung

    The Supreme Court, much like the Constitution and the Holocaust, are things that Rand and Ron just do not understand.

  • owhatever

    Yeh, Ron's little nipper. It really means that it is the law of the land.

  • stroge

    that's mighty 'White' of Rand to say that. I sometimes wish I could be bat-shit crazy like the Paul family.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    I have this mental image of Dr. Paul standing in a corner with his fingers in his ears going, "Nahnahnahnahnahnahnahnahnah!

  • C_R_Eature

    Shut up. Because,This.

    For I am Costanza Rand Paul, Lord of the Idiots.

  • rocktonsam

    is Rand Paul high or something?

  • Negropolis

    Yeah, who the hell does the Supreme Court think it is interpreting law and such?

  • Negropolis

    I love how Bobby Jindal is on television today essentially saying he wont comply with the law. A Southern governor not implementing federal law? Now, where have I seen that before…the dude's a brown, which makes this particularly down-the-rabbit-hole jarring seeing on television.

    • finallyhappy

      No, he is Indian – he thinks he is being Ghandi

      • Boojum

        In Georgia, we pronounce that "goin' die" and usually add "boy" to the end.

        Because we love Jeebus, y'all.

    • not that Radio

      In the Bobby Jindal World of Logic, requiring people to have health insurance is exactly like requiring people to eat tofu, or drive hybrid cars.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Imagine If the SCOTUS had gone the other way and Barry said that?

    • LetUsBray

      And then sent SEAL Team Six to pay Scalia, Thomas, Alto, etc., a visit? Keep talking…

  • mavenmaven

    In Randland we only answer to the Austrians.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      this is my favorite comment of the day.

      • DahBoner

        999!!!

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    So the ballot counters and chad inspectors in Florida should pick up where they left off in 2000, Randy? Companies shoveling money into super PACs thanks to Citizens United should put away their checkbooks, Randy? I should be able to have you locked away in Gitmo for the forseeable future, Randy?

  • TribecaMike

    Rand may want to give some more thought to his "fudge packing the court" concept. Diabetes is a scourge upon the land.

  • gogogodzilla

    As I suspected: Idiocracy is a documentary.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I've said it since I first saw the movie: Idiocracy was documentary sent from the future as warning.

  • tessiee

    Gee whiz, it's too bad that there's not somebody in government to address issues like this, a scholar whose area of expertise is in Constitutional law, or anything.

    • Boojum

      Tessie, if I was a woman, would you gay marry me?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Is it just me, or does anyone else find themselves seeing visions of Rand Paul being kicked in the groin every time you see a photo of him?

    • Boojum

      It's not just you.

    • scvirginia

      When I can't avoid seeing the photos, my visions usually seem to involve nipple clamps. I can't explain it…

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i still have my little 4 inch effigy of rand paul in shorts (mounted on a popsicle stick) that i took to a guy fawkes day party and forgot to burn.

    it is thumbtacked to our kitchen wall and we alternately laugh at it and then cry at it and then one of us says "this guy is in the US senate". then some of us cry again.

    today i believe there is more crying.

  • LetUsBray

    While the esteemed Rude Pundit describes Randy Rand as "a man who always looks as if he just masturbated on a woman in a bear suit", to me he looks more like a low-rent version of Richard Gere, trying to figure out how he's going to get the gerbil out of his butt.

    • wondering where i am

      Wait. What?

      Who was wearing the bear suit, Randy boy or the poor unnamed woman? Help. Can't figure this one out.

      • LetUsBray

        Whichever scenario sounds more depraved to you, is probably the answer.

  • Terry

    I hope he tries to form his own Supreme Court, just like he formed his own medical accreditation group when the real one wouldn't have him.

    • not that Radio

      He just needs to spell it "Supreem Court", kind of like Supreem Pizza

  • Antispandex

    WELL, it's Rand Paul…so, I guess that settles it, fuckers! "Only the things that the court decides in our favor, shall be Constitutional, from now on"…and who could argue with that?

  • 12X34X

    Just because your daddy set up a dummy medical board to give you a dummy license, doesn't mean you're an actual doctor.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Rand Paul is right – it's just a couple of people on the Supreme Court??? I mean WTF? Why not have 100 people? Or put it up to vote on the internet like Dancing With the Stars?

  • TribecaMike

    All legal issues can be easily decided by a tractor pull at the country club, if milords' don't mind a little re-landscaping.

  • ttommyunger

    Cases come in, decisions come out. Never a miscommunication, except for His Dumbness, the Grand Poohbah of Upper Buttcrack. I've heard all my life that ANYBODY can achieve high office in America. Dubya and Rand have driven that point home beyond anyone's wildest dreams (nightmares).

  • Nostrildamus

    Rand needs a briefing.

    • Isyaignert

      He needs a smack in the head with a wrecking ball and 50 lashes with a wet logging chain.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Constitutional expert "I've got mine Jack" weighs in …

  • Ducksworthy

    And just because the Board of Ophthalmology says you're not a qualified eye surgeon doesn't mean you're not a qualified eye surgeon. Just start your own board of ophthalmology. Rand Paul will now establish his own Supreme Court.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    “Just because a couple thousand toothless racists in Kentucky declare somebody to be ‘senatorial’ does not make it so. The whole state remains stupid.”

  • Isyaignert

    Hey Rand Paul – your hair plugs are fugly – they don't match the rest of you and you look really stupid, in addition to BEING really really stupid.

  • carlgt1

    it's so funny when ultimately, it becomes obvious that the teabaggers don't understand the Constitution….

  • janicket

    What, you think he should count 'em or something? Who the hell cares about actual numbers or majority rules or dumb stuff like that? Gimme my preconceived notions and leave me alone!

    Goddamn socialists and their goddamn three co-equal branches of gubmint.

  • mcrummett

    Unconstitutional. You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

  • DahBoner

    Rand "Maestro" Paul doesn't like to wear pants, because if you wear pants they get weinkled, which is Uncinstititional.

    IS EVERYBODY GAY????

  • Soylent Green

    June 28 2012 – I lost a lot of friends that day. On Facebook.

  • DesertTed

    Just because the Congress says weed is illegal doesn't mean that I can't smoke it!

    Have a good weekend…and pass those Doritos.

  • TribecaMike

    As a fan of easy listening music, I was very disappointed with Rand's A Brief Interlude cd. He's no Montovani, that's for sure. But since it was torrented, one tap on the Del button and it immediately became a vague and distant memory, just like his dad's decades in Congress.

  • Halloween Jack

    He and Mitch McConnell are exactly the senators that Kentucky deserves.