Shouty Pundit Doesn’t Understand Brave Mitt Romney’s Plan To Save Detroit With Cleansing Fire

by Jeff Wattrick

Mitt Romney says we don’t need any more of these socialist fire men (and women!) because Smokey the Bear said only you can prevent forest fires, so PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY! But loud televised Maoist Ed Schultz disagrees, pointing out that Detroit is burning pretty much constantly.

Surely, Detroit could use some more firefighters? At the very least, the nearly bankrupt city could use some help making sure it keeps the fire department remains staffed at or near its present levels, right? Right?

No. That would be very wrong, Mr. MSNBC union thug.

Consider Detroit’s famous Packard Plant. This is a thing that used to be a thing because people made cars there. Then it became a thing because Eurotrash tourists like to visit and take Hipstamatic photographs inside the iconic urban ruin. But locally, the Packard Plant is mainly a thing because the bitch is always on fire.

And the Detroit Fire Department is all the time putting out Packard Plant fires. With our tax dollars! They do this mainly because they are lazy government workers trying to justify their bloated paychecks. That they receive for running into burning buildings to save lives and property. Jerks.

The genius of Mitt Romney’s common sense, run-government-like-a-business anti-firefighter plan is it will allow the Packard Plant to finally just burn itself to the ground. Then super-awesome job creators — unburdened by the shackles of the high cost of the lowest tax rates in over a half-century — will be able to build something new and awesome and job create-y in its place.

That probably isn’t what economists mean by “creative destruction,” but it totally should be!

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Come here a minute June 27, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Out of the ashes of the ancient Packard plant, a brand spanking new blighted urban vacant lot will rise like a phoenix.

Blueb4sunrise June 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I just guessing, but don't let the Commie EPA test the soils there.

hagajim June 27, 2012 at 4:41 pm

What the hell happened to Hewlett? Was he burned up? Ha!

miss_grundy June 27, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Considering the number of buildings that still burn on Devil's Night, I guess Rombot wouldn't mind if the whole city burned down. Right now, Mayor Bing is working on a plan to demolish a few thousand more houses that are falling down and clearing the rubble away. There's a lot of land that is being cleaned up and could be used in Detroit, only a few steps away from downtown.

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 1:03 am

Detroit's awesome city motto libel!

Come here a minute June 28, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I would love to say I did that on purpose, but alas I did not. Hilarious.

Per Wikipedia: Speramus Meliora; Resurget Cineribus
(Latin: We Hope For Better Things; It Shall Rise From the Ashes)

(Now I must check to see if the last editor was Negropolis.)

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Wow, freakin' shot in the dark and you hit it right on!

noodlesalad June 27, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Firefighters have already been made GOP HEROES (c), which means that they should be revered for their service in speeches by people who have never actually met or been related to a HERO, portrayed in appropriate 9/11 or Founding Father silkscreen montages along with other HEROES like Caucasian veterans and Ronald Reagan (post Bonzo), and then screwed royally out of their jobs and pensions for the benefit of the 1%, whose freedoms they died/became unemployed to protect. They're not allowed to complain about this treatment because HEROES DON'T COMPLAIN OR VOTE DEMOCRAT.

LesBontemps June 27, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Also, heroes don't unionize.

Fairtackle June 27, 2012 at 2:52 pm

It is the "idea" of firefighters as heroes that is important, not "actual" firefighters. This is a basic, overarching tenet of the teaparty.

Biff June 27, 2012 at 3:38 pm

My eagle weeps. My weagle.

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 27, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I'm gonna grab me some torches and make a road trip to Mitt's new house. Who's with me?

prommie June 27, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Can we visit some other houses on the way there? And the way back? Can I bring a pitchfork, too?

BigSkullF*ckingDog June 27, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Yes, but only if I get to be in control of the stereo.

James Michael Curley June 27, 2012 at 3:04 pm


Biff June 27, 2012 at 3:41 pm

OK fine, I'll ride in back with the accelerants.

ChernobylSoup June 27, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Maybe they could build some context where the Packard plant used to be. That might help.

Barb June 27, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Mitt has created many job. None of them in the USA though.

Callyson June 27, 2012 at 3:11 pm

IDK, it's a job trying to keep up with his ever – switching positions on the issues…

…oh, you meant *paying* job. Never mind…

Goonemeritus June 27, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Well maybe he is on to something, Dresden looks pretty good now.

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 1:27 am

The difference being German's cared about Desden and your average American doesn't give a fuck about Detroit.

Baconzgood June 27, 2012 at 2:18 pm

What's a Packard?

ChernobylSoup June 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm

It has something to do with the gays. We should boycott.

larrykat June 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm

They won the Super Bowl a couple years ago.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Well, I actually have a packard product on the prommie yacht, the generator, an old Onan (fappery!), which was a division of Packard, so my generator's manual still refers to the packard engine in my Onan generator set.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 2:51 pm

They were bought out by Studebaker. Wait, that probably doesn't help at all.

James Michael Curley June 27, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Studebaker was bought by American Motors and merged into AM General. So, like Romney is responsible again.

HistoriCat June 27, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Didn't they make crappy computers in the 90s?

gurukalehuru June 27, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Packard?! I hardly kneward!

hagajim June 27, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Hewletts partner, until they turned over the company to Carly Fiorina and she attacked them with demon sheep.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 27, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I hear car elevators are always catching on fire… something about shoddy nonunion wiring and lack of government regulations.

gullywompr June 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Mrs. O'Leary's Cow 2012 !!!

Callyson June 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

New video from Steven Crowder blaming the unions and liberal Democrats for the fires in 3…2…1…

larrykat June 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

And Ed Schultz has what to do with this story? Oh he talked about it? Well good enough then.

Estproph June 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Flaming buildings are people, my friend.

hagajim June 27, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Flaming poo is people my friend, as are the Flaming Lips.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Oh you liberals, always nay-saying. When you see your city on fire, don't be sad, just grab some marshmallows and make a s'more like Jesus would do!

BloviateMe June 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Mitt's right. Firefighters are nothing more than cumbersome and inhibitive regulators. If the fire was meant to be put out, the free market would dictate it out.

scvirginia June 27, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Mitt wants Detroit to burn, because that is where the last copy of his Mexican b.c. is kept.

vodkamuppet June 27, 2012 at 2:24 pm

You're not a real Detroiter if you haven't set the Packard plant on fire at least once. Why, I'm taking my nephew there for his birthday next week!

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 1:30 am

You're a super Detroiter when you find a real, live (dead) body in it.

vodkamuppet June 28, 2012 at 2:44 am

What'd you see Negropolis? Couldnt leave it alone could ya? Fine, I'll give you 3k to shut up about it and….

ProgressiveInga June 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm

You say "offshore", I say "outsource"
You say "job creators", I say "greedy sons of bitches"
Offshore. Outsource. Job creators. Greedy sons of bitches.
Let's call the whole thing off! ♬

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm

That's what happens when you build your factory out of oily rags.

Joshua Norton June 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Detroit's new motto:

Smile. At least we're not Stockton.

ChernobylSoup June 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Serious question: Can the bankruptcy judge tell Stockton, "no, cities cannot declare bankruptcy; go back and raise taxes"?

fartknocker June 27, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Orange County did it about 20 years ago after their pension was decimated by the Alan Stanford of that generation. However, given the current jurisprudence in this country, who knows how the courts will rule.

James Michael Curley June 27, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Chapter 9 authorized municipalities and states to renegotiate union contracts and to make offers to renegotiate penisons for upcoming retirees and existing retirees. Although Chapter 11 and Chapter 7 can result in a companies' pension plan being adjudicated as insolvent, Chapter 9 pension plans are usually cut only after a good faith effort has been shown to have been made. In Central Falls, RI last December the police and firefighter unions agreed to sharp cuts (from 30% to 55%) based in part on the promise that instead of the $80 million unfunded plan being declared completely insolvent, the state would pass funding for five years (at the above level) and they would then renegotiate. Six months down the road that is not happening yet.

MissTaken June 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Nope, it's called Chapter 9 and is specific to municipalities.,_Title_11,…

ChernobylSoup June 27, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Thanks. I do not think I like this Chapter IX much. During the Great Depression, yeah I can understand that. But not when we've got the lowest tax rates in history. However, without knowing more about the specifics in Stockton, I'll reserve judgement.

bobbert June 27, 2012 at 7:34 pm

The problem with raising taxes as a solution is twofold: first, municipalities in California don't, as a rule, have general taxes. They get a piece of the county sales tax and a piece of the property tax. Sometimes they have a small special sales tax add on.

The second, and bigger problem, is fucking Prop 13. It takes a 2/3 vote of the electorate to impose a new or increased tax.. This is basically why California is perpetually money-fucked.

freakishlywrong June 27, 2012 at 2:27 pm

These fuckers. I keep hearing about how "libruls want to use other peoples money" to pay for things like firemen and teachers and shit we manly conservatives don't need.. This implies:
1. libruls don't pay taxes.
2..libruls have no say in how tax dollars are spent.
3. conservatives don't drive on roads, their houses don't catch on fire and none of their children attend pubic schools, none of them are gay, Hispanic or ewwww..women, and if they are, they don't get abortions, (they get D&Cs).
I despise this thinking and want my fucking country back.

sharethegrief June 27, 2012 at 2:46 pm

It's getting smaller in the rearview mirror.

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm

We should just use free market firefighting, like the Romans did, as was pioneered by Marcus Licinius Crassus:

"And besides this, observing how natural and familiar at Rome were such fatalities as the conflagration and collapse of buildings, owing to their being too massive and close together, he proceeded to buy slaves who were architects and builders. Then, when he had over five hundred of these, he would buy houses that were afire, and houses which adjoined those that were afire, and these their owners would let go at a trifling price owing to their fear and uncertainty. In this way the largest part of Rome came into his possession."

Biff June 27, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Is that where Tim Lincecum got his name? Fitting, since he's frequently on fire, until someone puts him out.

PubOption June 27, 2012 at 4:12 pm

It could also be where the word 'crass' comes from.

OzoneTom June 27, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I am Spartacus!

prommie June 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm

"DeTroit?" That is obviously French, and that explains it all, French style euro-socialism shall not stand!

Chichikovovich June 27, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Détroit is in dire straits.

Biff June 27, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Pronounced day twah?

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 1:32 am

Sort of, but with a lot more phlegm on the second part, and you have to kind of quack like a duck.

I love that the original name means "River of the Strait". Detroit's so nice they named it twice.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Obviously, despite being out of business for 50 years, Packard is still able to pay it's fire-fighting fees, so fuck off Mitt.

johnnyzhivago June 27, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Firefighters think they're too "special" to have THEIR jobs offshored like everyone else's.

BaldarTCrabass June 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Say, that's a pretty nice abandoned manufacturing plant you have there. It'd be a shame if anything, ya know, bad happened to it.

mrpuma2u June 27, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Hey it's YOUR fault if you can't afford the monthly dues of the Bain Firefighting Service (LLC) Your residence burning down will clear the land for someone with the $$$ and CHOOTS-pa to make some real and economically stimulating use of it.

SayItWithWookies June 27, 2012 at 2:34 pm

In much the same way that an aborted fetus could've been the next Jesus, Mitt knows that a burning building could be the next manifestation of The LORD calling on a potential Moses to take a conestoga wagon full of blonde chicks to Salt Lake City. Now why would anyone want some selfish firefighters to stomp on the Word of the LORD?

SorosBot June 27, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I always like the "that fetus could be the next Jesus/Beethoven/Einstein" argument. Yeah, but it could also be the next Hitler, Manson or Bush.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 2:34 pm

What would the Founding Fathers think of this socislistic socialism? Why, they would be appalled, those hearty individualists like Ben Franklin, why, he would be outraged, outraged at the idea of public fire departments. They were all devout christian free-market libertarians, to a man, those founding fathers. They would never have done anything so commie socialist anti-colonialist as to establish the Federal Reserve system.

FakaktaSouth June 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Right this minute I'm thinking of becoming an arson-doing anarchist. And STILL I think Ben would approve of that more than whatever the fuck these cocktards are doing here.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 2:45 pm

But a calm anarchist, oui?

FakaktaSouth June 27, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Mais oui, toujours, but I think that a calm anarchist is just a nicer, cooler way of saying "lazy hippie." That's about right though. Whatevs. Of course, I'm on my way to the third god damned courthouse place I have been to today so, Fuck the government, man. I want off this ride.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 3:03 pm

The Establishment is totally just trying to control us, man, to make sure we will be good little worker bees and trade away our lives for some worthless trinkets made in Romney's offshored sweathouses in China. Fuck the pigs, lets go start a commune!

Biff June 27, 2012 at 3:52 pm

If lightning can be channeled to create fire, perhaps the opposite is also possible?

PubOption June 27, 2012 at 4:15 pm

A Serbian-Croatian guy worked out how to do that, many years ago.

Biff June 27, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Tesla was a terrible salesman, unlike Edison.

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 1:35 am

Oh, but they were anti-colonialist, all right.

chascates June 27, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Government IS the problem! That includes fire departments, EMS, police, libraries, armed forces, diplomats, the Peace Corps, and all politicians.

So when some one comes to your house and says "I'm from the government and I'm here to help" go ahead and exercise your Second Amendment rights and water the Tree of Liberty with his blood. You have fire insurance, don't you?

edgydrifter June 27, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Thulsa Doom promoted fire's cleansing power, too.

fartknocker June 27, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Detroit downsized from 67 fire stations down to 44 fire stations. Mitt should understand that when you downsize your fire department, the consequences have a greater impact to the community when you have a major incident. If he needs a real-time example, he should have a minion google Waldo Canyon fire.

Hammiepants June 27, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Pfft, the firefighters in Detroit obviously SET these fires to justify their own socialistic existence. Everyone knows in the new Romneybot world, fire will not have the temerity to attack the means of production.

MenckensGout June 27, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Funny you should mention that. A couple years ago organized labor supported an effort to regionalize Detroit's convention center. John Conyers' criminally skanky wife, then on City Council and one of like seven people who opposed the arrangement because she's a lunatic, accused the unions of deliberately flooding a leaky roof durning a car show to get their way. It totally rained that weekend but *obviously* racist union goons were on the roof with hoses so they could help the suburbs steal Cobo Hall from Detroit. I'm not making any of this up.

johnnymeatworth June 27, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Clearly this is all happening because OCP is blocking the building of the Robocop statue.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 2:59 pm

OT, but what the fuck, I just drank me a RedBull, and promptly fell asleep at my desk. This ever happen to anyone else? Let me know, I am fixing to file a consumer protection/UDAP class action against RedBull now, damages to include all future lost wages after I get fired for sleeping at my desk.

Biff June 27, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I thibk they've cut back on the majick elixir in it so they can continue paying hundreds of millions of euros and dollars on all their many motorsports teams around the world.

gurukalehuru June 27, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Red Bullshit

neiltheblaze June 27, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I find it amazing just how quickly firefighters and policemen went from being "heroic first-responders" to "leeches on the public purse" in the Republican hive-mind.

Isn't maintaining a functioning fire department an inherently conservative thing to do?

Mojopo June 27, 2012 at 3:10 pm

A functioning fire department is more of a liberal ideal. Libs tend to be pragmatists. Feeling raped and kind of pregnant? We'll get you a pill. Hungry and poor? Let's fix that. Kinda hating the droughts, floods and impending Apocalyptic doom set off by climate change? Lets get green, betch. Liberals – fixing shit for everybody since way back.

HistoriCat June 27, 2012 at 4:39 pm

They're not really conservatives – they're reactionaries. Genghis Khan had a more progressive outlook.

Rotundo_ June 27, 2012 at 5:54 pm

This bunch would be fascists. The only thing that they care about is acquiring wealth and power and preserving it. Nothing and no one else matters to them. Rupert Murdoch is a marvelous example, there are many others to select from. The beauty of it all is that they have managed to sell most of the country on this ideology and the middle and lower class folks are just as big a bunch of quivering greedy freaks as the rich folks making money indoctrinating them.

randcoolcatdaddy June 27, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Mrs. O'Leery's cow was a job creator.

James Michael Curley June 27, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Bovine lightening.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 3:08 pm

And another fucking thing, oh you wonkette overlords, I know you are capitalists too and all and gotta pay the bills, but these fucking ads with the damn videos that just come on with no warning, fuck, man, you're gonna get me fired, and then what will I have to do? Well, then you have another consumer fraud class action suit, my friends, you do not want that, for getting all your loyal readers fired by making loud music (I Want Candy, Bow Wow Wow, in this instance) come on unexpectedly like this!

swordfis June 27, 2012 at 4:43 pm


ttommyunger June 28, 2012 at 8:10 am

Commercials are people, too, my friend…

hagajim June 27, 2012 at 4:45 pm

You know, I find it interesting this tack. Pretty soon the Pooooliiiiceeee will be bad because of unions and all…then who is going to protect the plutocrats? Oh, that's right, those fucks from Xe. Damn!

Ducksworthy June 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Romney's Mormon faith suggests that his version of creative destruction might be somewhat more than what we're ready for.

TootsStansbury June 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

No fire fighting people eh! Who is going to extinguish Mitt's magical panties now? Huh?

Designer_Radio June 27, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Jeff, when are you going to learn the "title text" thingy? You're never going to get promoted to Uberrich Wonkette Blogger without that skill.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 27, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Rich fucks, when further enriched by having to pay little or no income tax, tend to build mansions with car elevators, and other equally obscene monuments to themselves. But (A) they don't build them in Detroit, and (B) they don't hire 8,000 house nears to work in the joint, because the only thing being made there is more money (and evening cocktails).

BZ1 June 27, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Packard was a really fine company, once upon a time …

Negropolis June 28, 2012 at 1:05 am

If the Packard burns on east side, can the citizens smell it on the west side? No, everybody knows the winds blow the stink over the eastside.

ttommyunger June 28, 2012 at 8:13 am

I would feel better about this article if it didn't include Fat Eddie. He strikes me as the Left's answer to Bryan Fischer. A fatter, dumber, more self-centered, male straight Rachel Maddow; if you get my drift.

crybabyboehner June 28, 2012 at 10:06 am

"Motor City is Burning" – John Lee Hooker:

Puffperney June 27, 2012 at 2:55 pm

…so is car elevator installation.

FakaktaSouth June 27, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I am completely and totally in, as long as the same couch fort head down butt up alcohol access rules apply, AND we stick to our prior vow to be clean hippies. I am learning here amongst the literal unwashed just how terrible that is. Good lord. Also, red bull will kill ya and just keep the volume on your computer turned off. The combination of the two (I hate the surprise music) can give ya a heart attack for reals.

prommie June 27, 2012 at 3:20 pm

No fears, I am a very clean and neat hippie.

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