RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  11:40 am June 11, 2012

Insert Watergate Headline Here

by Sulagna Misra

How am I supposed to be a good person with that nickname?Good Monday! In the news today, Republican battles to not be involved in Mitt Romney’s campaign at all intensify, “Tricky Dick” had a mortifying nickname for a reason, and the Supreme Court wants you to stop telling them how fat they look in their robes.
  • All of Mitt’s potential running mates are just too cool for him. Come on, you guys, he looks like the type of guy that gets random heart attacks! Surely one of you could take over. [The Atlantic]
  • Give your day an ironic start by reading about the death of the newspaper on a blog. This article explains how the decline of the local paper helped make the GOP more polarizing. [Salon]
  • In an intense, deliberate article, Woodward and Bernstein go over the fact that Nixon was even worse than that Kirsten Dunst movie they made about him. [Washington Post]
  • The Supreme Court’s feelings are being hurt by the media! Oh, go run crying to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. They’ll teach you how stop worrying and learn to love gay people already. [Slate]
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nounverb911 June 11, 2012 at 11:43 am

Just wait until the Supremes hear about "The Pelican Brief".

Wile E. Quixote June 11, 2012 at 11:45 am

Is that the one where Antonin Scalia is found fucking a dead, female pelican?

Tundra Grifter June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

No – it's a dead bird wearing his underwear.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:47 am

Technically, it wasn't rape since he got her consent before Texas gave her the lethal injection

Callyson June 11, 2012 at 11:54 am

Female? This is a right winger we're talking about, you know…

hagajim June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

Is that what Alito wears under his robes?

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:43 am


How was your weekend, dear?

How on earth could Richard Nixon *possibly* be worse than we remember him? There's no number higher than "infinity"!

nounverb911 June 11, 2012 at 11:45 am

Chris Christie's weight is much higher than infinity.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

Dammit! Refudiated by liberal "facts"…

Biff June 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

∞x∞=Chrispy Creme's weight, approximately.

gurukalehuru June 11, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Yeah, but this goes up to 11.

nounverb911 June 11, 2012 at 11:44 am

Romney/Dead Reagan 2016?

Wile E. Quixote June 11, 2012 at 11:45 am

No way, Dead Reagan doesn't want to fuck up his chances by being associated with Romney.

WhatTheHeck June 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

Raygun is not dead. He’s mostly undead.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 11:44 am

Meh. Newspapers have gone to shit since Larson, Waterson, and Breathed retired.

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

He Breathed his last????

OkieDokieDog June 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

Ugh. My local paper runs that Mallard Fillmore or whatever. It makes me want to kill ducks.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Insert waterfowl necrophilia joke here.

justkillmenow June 11, 2012 at 12:48 pm


Rotundo_ June 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm

If there is a worse example of a comic I haven't come across it. Mallard is a gigantic turd in the punchbowl of the funny pages. Mary Worth was funnier.

Lascauxcaveman June 11, 2012 at 12:49 pm

My local newspaper is thriving, and even expanding it readership a little every year, egregious typos and all.

It's always full of stories about farmers markets, and people building hike/bike trails, and doing "stream and watershed health" maintenance and the local arts scene and all that obnoxious hippie shit.

Though their printed circulation keeps creeping up year after year, their website is pretty horrible, so I guess they're doomed.

SexySmurf June 11, 2012 at 11:44 am

the fact that Nixon was even worse than that Kirsten Dunst movie

Hey! I like Dick.

That came out wrong.

Infrogmation June 11, 2012 at 12:11 pm

But felt so right…

DonnyKerabotsos June 11, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Agreed. For comic Nixon mockery there is no better Nixon than Dan Hedaya.

Lascauxcaveman June 11, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Double agreed. First time I ever saw the guy, the moment he first appeared onscreen in Blood Simple, first thought on my mind was "Oh man, we're gonna see this guy in movie about Nixon someday."

Gratuitous World June 11, 2012 at 11:44 am

I can't even go the the grocery store without being bombarded with the newest Justice Breyer bestiality scandal. Lay off!

Biff June 11, 2012 at 11:53 am

Damn, I thought the headlines were about Justin Bieber. I gotta bring my glasses to the store, that's all there is to it.

Allmighty_Manos June 11, 2012 at 11:45 am

Tricky Dick will still rate higher on the presidential achievements list than Bush.

hagajim June 11, 2012 at 11:47 am

That's because Tricky Dick actually did a lot more than Bush – until he got caught.

OkieDokieDog June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

Tricky Dick was not a crook! He was a paranoid liar.


Angry_Marmot June 11, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Hey, Checkers, back that up here and I'll show you crooked. Ain't lyin', either.


Generation[redacted] June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

Maybe the Dixie Chicks can offer some advice to the Court?

What they need is a cadre of anonymous plutocrats flooding the airwaves accusing all their critics of being terrorists. That should help a bit.

cbbruuno June 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

That Kirsten Dunst movie "Dick" was actually kind of awesome

hagajim June 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

Breaking! Romney announces himself as running mate, because nobody else wants anything to do with him.

Estproph June 11, 2012 at 12:01 pm

He's flip-flopped enough on every question he was ever asked that he could actually be his own running mate.

Rotundo_ June 11, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Maybe one of his sons? Tad or Tick or Twit or something like that?

Oblios_Cap June 11, 2012 at 11:49 am

HST said it best:

As long as Nixon was politically alive — and he was, all the way to the end — we could always be sure of finding the enemy on the Low Road. There was no need to look anywhere else for the evil bastard.

He has poisoned our water forever. Nixon will be remembered as a classic case of a smart man shitting in his own nest. But he also shit in our nests, and that was the crime that history will burn on his memory like a brand. By disgracing and degrading the Presidency of the United States, by fleeing the White House like a diseased cur, Richard Nixon broke the heart of the American Dream.

FlownOver June 11, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Nixon rook it to new levels. And for him it was the Down Low Road (see Rebozo, Bebe.

UnholyMoses June 11, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I'm too young to remember Nixon, but I can note that, in my lifetime, the Presidency has been a target for the opposing party and the media. The office doesn't demand the same respect is once did from anyone (see the way Clinton and Obama have been treated) and only the clinically insane or monstrously egotistical would want to inhabit it at this point. It's just too absurd a process to get there.

Because of that, those who do run/are running are NOT the best for the job. They just aren't — at least not in a nation of 300+ million.

Oblios_Cap June 11, 2012 at 12:30 pm

A lot of the crap that has happened in this country politically (see: impeachment, Clinton) is the result of the GOP trying to revise the history of Nixon's resignation. They desperately want to manufacture something to drive a Democrat to resign the Presidency so that they can pull out their time-tested "but they do it, too" defense.

Rotundo_ June 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Dubya and Cheney out Nixon-ed Nixon. Apprentices who utterly surpassed the master. Nixon inherited Vietnam, Dubya and the puppetmaster created a couple of new ones from scratch just so we could line some pockets.

proudgrampa June 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

What's this I hear about Kirsten Dunst's Dick? That is shocking! She is such a pretty lady, I can't believe that she has — What? Oh. Never mind.

Angry_Marmot June 11, 2012 at 1:17 pm

There's a Japanese web site for that.

SayItWithWookies June 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

Nobody wants to be Mitt's running mate — gee, could there be some sort of systemic flaw in the Republican party that's been there since at least John McCain's nomination when he had to pick absurdist fraud Sarah Palin because a) nobody wanted to go down with the ship except b) Joe Lieberman, who would've caused an outright insurrection within the GOP had he been picked?

I'd say it's time for the Republicans to engage in a little self-questioning of their goals, except the thought of them questioning their beliefs is too hilarious to contemplate.

WhatTheHeck June 11, 2012 at 11:52 am

In that pic of Nixon above he looks like he should have been in “Grumpy old men” instead of whatshisname.

mavenmaven June 11, 2012 at 11:54 am

Remember, there was only one actual Republican president in American history, Ronald Reagan. Mentioning any of the others is a Democrat provocation.

BaldarTFlagass June 11, 2012 at 11:55 am

Mitt's obvious choice for VP = Tim Pawlenty.

BlueStateLibel June 11, 2012 at 11:59 am

Whadda ya want to put Ambien out of business or something?!

actor212 June 11, 2012 at 11:59 am


A protocol and etiquette droid always takes an astromech droid with him

HistoriBarb June 11, 2012 at 12:46 pm


Rotundo_ June 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Yep. One has to find a pretty dim bulb to avoid outshining the Mittster and that practiced Minnesotan blandness is a great matchup personality (or lack thereof) for Mittens. Short of putting a suit on a mannequin, T-Paw is one choice guaranteed not to rock the boat in the least for Mittens.

Biff June 11, 2012 at 11:55 am

Plus, no work on Sundays!

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ June 11, 2012 at 11:57 am

If Romney picks Sarah Palin again, will this be to satisfy all his campaign contributions from Pfizer? I am sure the wingnuts will start spankin' it again if she gets the nod… thus all the Viagra.

owhatever June 11, 2012 at 11:58 am

SCOTUS and dead penguins and Kirsten Dunst's Dick and Tricky Dick Nixon all in one section. Coincidence: I think not.

Callyson June 11, 2012 at 11:59 am

several major campaign donors have begun to complain that President Obama is targeting and harassing Mitt Romney’s donors and raising the specter of an “Enemies List,” presidential “terrorism,” and reprisals that have come about as a result of news stories about them

Making Obama this century's answer to Tricky Dick…yeah, if you say so…

The right is now trying to elide the distinction between holding people and organizations accountable for the actions they take and the concept of harassment and intimidation

Accountability is harassment. George Orwell would approve.

Christ, I'm only on the first article and I already fear for our future…

randcoolcatdaddy June 11, 2012 at 11:59 am

You know it's bad when today's Republicans make Nixon look like he had class.

Mumbletypeg June 11, 2012 at 12:01 pm

the Supreme Court wants you to stop telling them how fat they look in their robes.

There is a gay dead penguin joke to be found in here somewheres but I can't quite peck it out.

Estproph June 11, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Oh! Now I get it! The newspapers all crashing and burning is what made the repubs so polarized! That makes sense. It couldn't possibly because of all the NaZis and KKK they have been recruiting.

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 12:06 pm

"It’s true that home delivery of newspapers (an increasingly expensive luxury) is basically now something only old people who’ve always gotten the paper still do."

This cuts me to the quick! Ouch!!

prommie June 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Just a long slow fade to black for us olds, now. Its over already.

Jimmyone June 11, 2012 at 12:49 pm

There goes my paper delivery bidness…..Now, I wonder who to call to fire all of my (one) employees?

Chet Kincaid June 11, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Keep fuckin' that Nixon, Bob & Carl!

mrpuma2u June 11, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Ugh. I haven't got a paper in decades but I still get those damn flyers every Wed. It would be actually fun to put them in the parkeet cage if they had Tricky Dick or Ronnie Raygun's face on them.

Ducksworthy June 11, 2012 at 12:16 pm

My guess is that the High Council of Kolob will insist on his selecting Kang as his running mate. Of course, they'll have to video edit out the drooling.

Supremectjester June 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Need a Watergate Headline?:

Mubarak Says "Where is Jerry Ford When You Need Him?"

DocChaos June 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm

For Mitt, an advantage of picking Christie as his running mate is that he will make Romney look like less of a dick, simultaneously drawing liberal ire away from the top of the ticket, while giving the teatards someone to swoon over, without bringing up the issue of incompetence that caused the Palin pick to backfire.

It wouldn't put New Jersey in play any more than having Romney at the top of the ticket puts Massachusetts in play, but while everyone is busy making fat jokes, they won't be constantly reminding the voters that Mitt is a soulless robot. The subtle brilliance of the Cheney pick for George W, was that it made Bush look less evil than he otherwise would have.

Rotundo_ June 11, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I think it's T-Paw. Bland, boring and someone who doesn't look more competent that Mittens. Christie would be a trainwreck, not of Palinesque proportion, but with that mouth opening daily to the media it would be hard not to imagine him shooting an already fragile candidate in the foot repeatedly.

Generation[redacted] June 11, 2012 at 12:54 pm

This is an easy one.

Romney/Palin '12 !!!!

ElPinche June 11, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I gain 10 lbs just reading about Christie.

James Michael Curley June 11, 2012 at 1:25 pm

That's interesting, I loose ten pounds after reading about Christie. Then I need a hit of Kaopectate.

Sassomatic June 11, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Romney/Johnny 5 2012.

ttommyunger June 11, 2012 at 1:32 pm

NIXON LIBEL! No wait, that's not possible…

Beowoof June 11, 2012 at 1:36 pm

My favorite 1972 campaign slogan; "Dick Nixon, before he Dick's you". Ah the memory brings a tear to my eye.

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