THIS GUY  1:20 pm May 17, 2012

George W. Bush Writing Alternate History Sci-Fi Book Where He Knows How To Run A Country

by Josh Fruhlinger

America clamors for a sequelWay back when your Comics Curmudgeon went to D.C. to make sure George W. Bush wasn’t going to pull off a coup at the last second, he would have never believed that he’d ever say anything nice about the dude, but here we are three years later and here’s something nice: George W. Bush has, for the most part, had the good grace to go away. Cheney’s only being kept alive by elaborate machinery, and yet he still demands to be wheeled out now and again so he can sneer ominously about something, but George W. Bush, he’s mostly been hanging out on the couch of his exurban McMansion, catching up on all the shows he Tivo’d during his presidency. Well, not really, because he watched TV six hours a night when he was president and probably doesn’t know how to operate a Tivo, but the important part is that he wasn’t all up in our grill, reminding us why we hate him. That winning streak ends today with the announcement that “he’s” working on a new book (or maybe he’s “working” on a new book?) about how to encourage economic growth, which HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, hold on a minute, we just have to HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ok let’s nope HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

We are actually kind of angry at the New York Times for only spending a single sentence on the most hilarious bit of political comedy to come down the pike in years:

Two months from now, he plans to publish a book outlining strategies for economic growth.

But we presume this article has been carefully placed by George W. Bush’s publicist (and there’s a fun job) with the intention of “building buzz” for the new book, which will presumably explain carefully how cutting the capital gains tax is the cure for America’s ills and that Bush’s biggest mistake was not making his tax cuts permanent, etc. Maybe he could get his buddy Bill Clinton to co-write a chapter on how massive banking deregulation can only result in good things for the financial system! Also, look for the parts where Bush explains how it’s actually a great that his terms in office saw anemic job growth followed by a spectacular economic cratering.

That fun’s all in the future though, and we very much look forward to seeing more details leak out about the book and then finally getting our Wonkette World O’ Books review copy, which we will read carefully or maybe just burn for heat in our hobo camp. Meanwhile, the rest of the Times article except for that sentence is really about Bush trying to convince both Obama and Romney to take his advice on foreign policy matters, which HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. [NYT]

 
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{ 141 comments }

Reginald_Perrin May 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Bush is an expert on running a country into the ground.

Gratuitous World May 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Bush on the economy, eh?
A Million Little Pieces?

Designer_Rants May 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Great title, but Oprah needs to publicly humiliate him also, too.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

The Pet Ghost

BornInATrailer May 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm

This is the presidential equivalent of a special needs child handing you macaroni artwork.

anniegetyerfun May 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"Oh, so pretty! I'm going to hang this right up on the refrigerator, Georgie!"

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm

The book is being published by DC Comics?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Bush always appreciated Nixon's fourth term in The Watchmen.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Next he'll write a book on how to gracefully end a war with minimal loss of life.

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Step 1: Evade the draft.
Step 2: Let someone else's son die.

anniegetyerfun May 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Step 3: ?
Step 4: Profit!

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Step 3: Outsource war to Halliburton.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

For once, we know what Step 3 is:

Step 3: Get Cheney to do it.

Nostrildamus May 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Step 5: Eat pretzel
Step 6: ☠

Tundra Grifter May 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I was going with "Winning Wars for Dummies."

sullivanst May 17, 2012 at 2:13 pm

1. Invade
2. Declare victory
3. Pretend everyone isn't dying
4. Everyone's dead, the end.

Isyaignert May 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Step 8: How to kill your nemesis.

OneYieldRegular May 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Two months from now? Perhaps this is part of the GOP's plan to have Dubya stand at the Tampa convention door and hand out books no one will read as a means of insuring that he doesn't take the stage.

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Tampa in August? Is it too early to pray for a hurricane?

GeorgiaBurning May 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Climate change may have its good points

PlanetWingNut May 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Have Rick Perry pray for Rain in Texas…that will make sure Florida gets hit instead.

Designer_Rants May 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Wha? Ya mean the RNC don't want Dumbya to remind Americans that he existed?

"Hey! Remember MEEE?" ~Dumbya

YasserArraFeck May 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Getting him warmed up for his next gig: "Welcome to Walmart!"

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Chapter 1 Tax Cuts

Chapter 2 Tax Cuts

Chapter 3 Decidering

Epilogue

Nostrildamus May 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm

NEEDZ MOAR FLIGHTSUIT CODPIECE !!?!!!111!

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

WUT U THINK EPILADY IS BOUT?/?/

Callyson May 17, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Chapter 4 Get Rid of Pesky Environmental and Labor Regulations

Designer_Rants May 17, 2012 at 1:59 pm

What, no "'Fool Me Once' Explained", no "How To Open Doors In Foreign Countries"?

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

This buke about economy. That the Furren Lations buke.

sullivanst May 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Bush could do a very brief, effective book on how to grow an economy. It'd go something like this:

Whatever I did as President, do the opposite.

The End.

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 1:59 pm

a haiku!

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 17, 2012 at 4:43 pm

deregulation
tax cuts for the very rich
nothing could go wrong

ChernobylSoup May 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

The chapter on trading your cow for a handful of magic beans doesn't seem all that original to me.

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"a book outlining strategies for economic growth."
In China?

OneYieldRegular May 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Probably. I think a far, far better argument can be made for Bush as an agent of China than can be made for Obama as a Muslin-Kenyan-Indonesian demon seed.

Barb May 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

They should put Bush's "knows how to run a country" book right next to Octomom's "parenting tips" book.

FNMA May 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Or a special edition of Joy of Cooking edited by Jeffrey Dahmer.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Or Chris Christie's dieting book.

YasserArraFeck May 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm

"Governor, what did you do with your book? – it was here a minute ago…."

"burp….."

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Or Dick Cheney's Poems of Peace, Love, and Understanding.

Fairtackle May 17, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Tanning mom's beauty tips?

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

With a forward by Jan Brewer.

Generation[redacted] May 17, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Building a Sustainable Community, by Jim Jones

Designer_Rants May 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Chapter 1: Kool-Aid

gurukalehuru May 17, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Effective Usage of Modern Media by Chk Grsly

Blueb4sunrise May 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Economy: Selling My Pet Goat

Foreign Policy: Invading My Pet Goat.

flamingpdog May 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Domestic Policy: Ass-Fucking My Pet Goat.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

SKULL LIBEL!

Exhausted66 May 17, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Emergency Response Policy: Reading My Pet Goat.

Blueb4sunrise May 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Part 2: Drowning My Pet Goat.

YasserArraFeck May 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Making My Pet Goat FEMA Director
"Heck of a job, Billy!"

Chichikovovich May 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

It has to be admitted that economic growth was spectacular during the Bush years.

China's, that is.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Who can think of any of this shit now, with Donna Summer dead? Man, I hated disco at the time, but it makes me smile when I hear it now, it was way better than this new "music" which consists of macho posturing chants which demean women. Hot Stuff was hot stuff.

StarsUponThars May 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm
Lionel[redacted]Esq May 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

it was way better than this new "music" which consists of macho posturing chants which demean women.

Are the kids getting on your lawn, Prommie?

Fare la Volpe May 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm

In his day gas cost a nickel, I tells ya.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

It was a sad day when the price rose over 50 cents a gallon, Fare, a sad sad day. My 1972 Gran Torino got 11 miles per gallon.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Say, is that an onion on your belt or are you happy to see me?

prommie May 17, 2012 at 2:13 pm

And they used to give away glassware and steak knives at the gas station, too

Isyaignert May 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm

And they'd pump your gas for you, clean your windshield, and check your fluids and tires.

My first job out of high school was working at a gas station during the Arab Oil Embargo of 1973-74. Our gas pumps only went up to 49.9 cents so we had to sell it by the half gallon when the price got over 50 cents. I couldn't believe how many people thought we were trying to rip them off.

gurukalehuru May 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

In those days the nickel had a picture of a bee on it. Give me five bees for a quarter, we'd say.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Oh noes. You just told me a sad thing I did not know. 63, yikes. Sad news for a Pervy Thursday.

Wanna share my love with a warm blooded lover
Wanna bring a wild man back home

Gotta have some hot love, baby, this evenin'
I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight
I want some hot stuff, baby, this evenin'

Gonna have some lovin' Got to have a love tonight

prommie May 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

And this just made me remember a dead ex. Saddy sad sad. I just found a video of her with the googles, she was a performer of a sort, but seeing that youtube was wierd. I wonder if anyone else in the world is remembering that she ever lived, right this moment.

Barb May 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Hey Prommie! I just listened to her cover of Manilow's "Could It Be Magic" and I liked it!

prommie May 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

She taught a generation of chicks how to pretend to orgasm, what a legacy!

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 2:13 pm

this is very sad.

i have loved the very trashiest of pop music and disco certainly qualifies. though i have ALSO heard musical types discuss it with some gravitas.

who's next? abba?

Barb May 17, 2012 at 2:19 pm

If no one hears ABBA's "SOS" yes, they are next.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I hope they never meet their Waterloo.

OneYieldRegular May 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I have "State of Independence" playing loudly in my office right now. The looks I've had from people passing by the door…

freakishlywrong May 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Wasn't this ass boil just convicted of war crimes in Malaysia or something? Don't go away pissy, Dubya, just go away. And take your ilk with you.

ManchuCandidate May 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

"How to Succeed At Anything Without Really Trying But Using Daddy's Money, Connections and Wealthy Arabicy Friends."

ElPinche May 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Haha! And Manchu puts the cherry on top of this most hilarious post.

fartknocker May 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Will the former El Jeffe Senior Goat Fuck have Bernie Madoff and Jack Ambramhoff write the introduction? Rachel Maddow (I do love that woman) had some very pretty graphs last night illustrating Georgie's lack of economic understanding.

OkieDokieDog May 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Does it come with crayons or are those sold separately?

StarsUponThars May 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Thank you Josh for my first bust-out laugh off the day. I needed that.

bflrtsplk May 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

The “book“ will come with a complete set of 64 Crayolas for filling in the numerous pie charts and bar graphs showing us that up is down, square is round, in your favorite color schemes.

ChilLysol May 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

My Pet Goat 2?

BornInATrailer May 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

In it he butchers his pet goat so he can make goat food and a goat blanket for his pet goat. Hasn't finished the last chapter yet.

niblick77 May 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

He is going to talk about running a lemonade stand as a child not knowing that mom and pop spend twice what he took in for the lemons and 5 lbs of sugar to make it go down easy.

Baconzgood May 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

It's all pictures of LOL Kittens, and Katy Perry lyrics.

bumfug May 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm

This book is coming out the same week as Phil Spector's gun safety manual.

flamingpdog May 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I guess the doctors could only keep him in a near-death coma for so long …

WAIT, he spent 2001-2009 in a near-death coma!! What phailed???

Pragmatist2 May 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Give the man credit. Very few people can write a book but not read one.

Generation[redacted] May 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Unless that book comes with another $300 check, I'm not buying it.

LibertyLover May 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Just enough time to remind people in the USA what a great job he did as prez. Mitt Romney's gonna give him a big wet one for doing that… or maybe Mitt will take a pair of scissors to Bush's Hair.

mavenmaven May 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I remember Richard Nixon, and W is no Richard Nixon.

Chow Yun Flat May 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I hope he goes on an international book tour–he was already indicted in Spain for crimes against humanity.

gurukalehuru May 17, 2012 at 2:47 pm

and Malaysia.

natoslug May 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Perfect. We were planning a good bonfire in July already. Now I don't need to stock up so many pallets.

Generation[redacted] May 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Working Title: "Obama's Next 100 Campaign Commercials"

SudsMcKenzie May 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I thought he was just bending over and picking up Barneys poop these days, you know something he's good at.

LetUsBray May 17, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I'd about bet money he's a complete failure at that, too.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Little known fact. This book started out as Twilight fan fiction.

BornInATrailer May 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Fifty Shades of Dumb, soon to be referred to as Teabilly Porn.

flamingpdog May 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I'm gonna go buy another copy of Benincasa's book instead. It has as many valuable prescriptions for improving the American economy as I'm sure Dubya's will.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Normal Wonkette Liberal Bias. Bush was more than just Tax Cuts. Oil revenues skyrocketed during his presidency, as did employment by secretive paramilitary security forces. Hell, torturers and torture supplies and equipment went from a small little mom and pop industry catering to the local S&M freak to one of our leading industries.

How dare you ignore such fine work.

mrpuma2u May 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Don't forget his cutting edge abstinence only sex-ed programs!

lisawines May 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Can't wait 'til he goes on the Jon Stewart show to promote his "book."

Fare la Volpe May 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm

"Ye kin color in it too!"

proudgrampa May 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Are you kidding me?

JustPixelz May 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

"… [Dubya's] strategies for economic growth."

I'm sure they're every bit as good as his strategies for fighting al Queda in Iraq. Or his bin Laden strategy. Or his pretzel eating technique.

Gratuitous World May 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

with forward by: Jar Fetus

Isyaignert May 17, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Not to be prissy, but I believe Babs used Tupperware. No chit.

Fare la Volpe May 17, 2012 at 1:49 pm

We really should read this when it comes out.

I hear George makes a very modest proposal.

SayItWithWookies May 17, 2012 at 1:49 pm

This man really does think he's some sort of genius, doesn't he? It's like there's no problem he can't solve with his special blend of ignorance and malevolent neglect.

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 1:49 pm

G.W. Bush – I'm A Ex-President and So Can You!

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

our dumb century.

GeorgiaBurning May 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Anybody keeping track of how many useless books will be hawked during the GOP convention? I should say useless unless you have a fireplace.

Isyaignert May 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm

That's the only way those RepubliCON screeds get on the NYT bestseller list. The "think" tanks like The Heritage Foundation buy cases of them to give away to their rubes for further indoctrination. No chit.

johnnymeatworth May 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Do his strategies for economic growth include "Don't elect me?"

Callyson May 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Two months from now, he plans to publish a book outlining strategies for economic growth.

So we'll read it, do the exact opposite of what it suggests, and all will be fine…

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

For people who don't read the GOP really does 'write' a lot of books.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Having read five or six of these tomes (I get them from the library for SOCIALISM) I have made a not-particularly surprising discovery:

They're all the same book: only chapter one ever changes, depending on who wrote it.

Chapter 1: LOOK AT ME!

Chapter 2: Bootstraps and hurrah free enterprise and THE MARKET

Chapter 3: Regulations OMG!

Chapter 4: We should eliminate welfare because welfare makes people not work therefore cut it out entirely

Chapter 5: Cut the fuck out of taxes, especially for jerb creators

Chapter 6: Government is bad, mmmkay? However corporations are great because The Market

Chapter 7: So the solution is simple. Cut taxes, remove regulation, slice the government down to tiny, get rid of welfare. Nothing could ever go wrong with this.

Chapter 8: I'm still fucking great look at me.

Back cover:
lickspittle circle-jerk of quotes ALWAYS from O'Really, Hannity and another couple of douchehats whose books will have quotes from the author of this book

The end.

rickmaci May 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm

The book is taking longer than anticipated to finish because the Chimpster is having a hard time with keeping his crayon coloring inside the lines.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Are there aliens? Or alien zombies? Or at least illegal immigrant zombies? Cuz that would be cool

elburritodeluxe May 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

.ie a Republican publishing group will pay him to keep quiet, stay away from cameras and "work on a book" while the party tries to get you to forget about him.

Isyaignert May 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Works for me. My blood pressure is normal now that numbnutz is out of the White House. I used to get serious, debilitating RepubliCON Tourettes every time that fumduck opened his mouth.

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

on the plus side, george zimmerman, clooney and martin all come up before george bush on the googles.

BlueStateLibel May 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Dubya's new book on fostering economic growth will sit proudly alongside my copies of Gen. George Custer's revered tome on military strategy and Nevill Chamberlien's respected treatsie, "Guaranteeing Peace in our Lifetime."

Terry May 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

"Two months from now, he plans to publish a book outlining strategies for economic growth."

Well, look at it this way. Bush proved what doesn't work during his term. Perhaps he's preparing to talk about the approaches he didn't try.

not that Radio May 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm

didn't he just right a crappy book that got roundly trashed? doesn't he have some brush to clear or something?

Naked_Bunny May 17, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Bush will then write a fanfic where a new character, named George Dubbush, will single-handedly defeat Doctor Robotnik, rescuing Sonic and saving the animals of Mobius.

randcoolcatdaddy May 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

What's the title? "How to Win Friends and Sell My Pet Goat"?

OneYieldRegular May 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm

"My Bestest Strategeries For Growing The Economics."

YasserArraFeck May 17, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I want to hear more about the terroristic pretzel plot

PlanetWingNut May 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm

How to Duck shoes with secret service prescence.

DahBoner May 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I'm saving my cash for his little brother Jeb's book: "Don't Drive the Country Into the Ground, Like My Brother" published by Click N Klack Press…

elgin_pelican May 17, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Witless Shrugged

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Witless Smirked?

Generation[redacted] May 17, 2012 at 5:16 pm

The Toilethead

glamourdammerung May 17, 2012 at 4:01 pm

It would be funny for President Obama to give Romney a copy during the debates and ask him if he could get Bush to sign it for him the next time they are hanging out.

elgin_pelican May 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm

"FREE with your subscription to Human Events!"

NYNYNYjr May 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm

90% off- so is it cheaper than standard house insulation yet? Also, what are its insulating properties?

Generation[redacted] May 17, 2012 at 5:17 pm

When it becomes cheaper than firewood he's going to hit the bestseller list.

valthemus May 17, 2012 at 5:26 pm

If Bush knew anything about economics he's know better than to waste resources supplying a book no one is demanding.

Isyaignert May 17, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Awesome work Josh! That photo is going in my screensaver slideshow.

miss_grundy May 17, 2012 at 10:36 pm

So, the poopie-head who started two wars and sent thousands of pallets of Ameros to Iraq and stood by while the country nearly went over the cliff, cause he and the Repubs deregulated the financial industry, is now going to tell us how the country should be run economically? Does this story have superheroes, vampires, werewolves or zombies? Because if it isn't a mashup of a literature classic, I'm not reading it.

Halloween Jack May 18, 2012 at 11:14 am

I've assumed that W has spent almost all of his time since leaving office sprawled on a lounge chair next to his pool with a fifth of Jack plugged into a PICC line. If he has to go out to promote this stuff, they'll have to dry him out and swap the fifth out with a mickey of vodka that has a remote-control release that doesn't go on until about a minute before he's done with his speech. Good luck to his handlers.

notanncoulter May 18, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I'll look for it on the shelf next to "Bristol's Guide To Abstinence" in the IRONIC YET UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY aisle along with the Sarah Palin documentary “The Undefeated”.
This stuff just writes itself, don't it?

ttommyunger May 18, 2012 at 5:25 pm

"George W. Bush Writing….."? It is to larf.

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