U.S. Troops Won’t Answer To Liberal U.N. Secretary-General Nick Fury

by Josh Fruhlinger

CAPTAIN UNITED NATIONS MORE LIKESure, every single human shelled out good money this past weekend to watch their nerd fantasies come true and all of their favorite funnybook superheroes (at least all the ones owned by one specific media conglomerate, and not counting Spider-Man because he has his own movie coming out later this summer, we guess) come together to fight evil, together, as a team. And sure, pretty much everyone seemed to enjoy this exercise in superheroics, and even thought it was kind of well written, for once. But everyone experienced a nagging feeling that maybe the non-super-human-operated kill-machines weren’t the same physical kill-machines that our U.S. military uses, to protect us (by killing). And that’s because the U.S. military wisely kept their kill-machines out of this movie, because the Avengers are a one-world-government U.N. plot to undermine American sovereignty, for real.

Spencer Ackerman over at Wired has the whole important story about how, like most Hollywood epics, The Avengers was working with the U.S. military so that actual sweet-ass fighter jets and shit would appear on camera and bring “gritty realism” to the film AND convince people to join the Army. But the military ended the relationship before the film was completed, due to the plot’s “unreality.” That “unreality” involved not robot suits and rage-mutants and space monsters or whatever, but rather the hint that maybe S.H.I.E.L.D was coordinating with the U.S. Armed Forces to save all of humanity, not just the America part.

“We couldn’t reconcile the unreality of this international organization and our place in it,” Phil Strub, the Defense Department’s Hollywood liaison, tells Danger Room. “To whom did S.H.I.E.L.D. answer? Did we work for S.H.I.E.L.D.? We hit that roadblock and decided we couldn’t do anything” with the film.

Right-wing nuts (and the Pentagon brass!) have been anxious for years to prevent any foreign commanders from giving orders to U.S. troops. Lots of foreign military units take orders from different-kind-of-foreign (or even American!) commanders in international peacekeeping efforts, of course, but this doesn’t apply to us, because, you know, exceptionalism. And now it doesn’t apply in magical comic book land either!

Anyway, the Avengers just drew all the warplanes with computers and it still made a gazillion dollars, so whatever. But just wait until the highly anticipated Battleship movie, based on the extremely boring board game, comes out later this summer! That one is totally Pentagon-approved and has a cameo from the Secretary of the Navy in it, so it’ll make a gazillion dollars times infinity. [Wired via Pareene]

(Awesome Captain America pic from MrPhilDog/Flickr)

 
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{ 206 comments }

FlownOver May 7, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Paths of Gory

Lascauxcaveman May 7, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Yup. Sure made me want to join the army.

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Up fist for Kubrick reference.

WunkRocker May 7, 2012 at 9:55 pm

…holes

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 3:44 pm

But just wait until the highly anticipated Battleship movie, based on the extremely boring board game, comes out later this summer! That one is totally Pentagon-approved and has a cameo from the Secretary of the Navy in it, so it’ll make a gazillion dollars times infinity.

Yes, Presidential appointees requiring Senate confirmation make everything less boring.

fuflans May 7, 2012 at 8:06 pm

we saw a preview for battleship yesterday (previewing before avengers of course). i said to mr. fuflans that was the loudest most incomprehensible shoot-em up i've ever seen.

i didn't know it was based on the game. makes perfect sense.;

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 3:44 pm

When I was a kid, Nick Fury was white and just a sergeant with a few howling commandos.

CZL May 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Affirmative action? In my comics?

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Nick Fury was always a World War II guy AND a '60s Spy Master, simultaneously; the first Howling Commandos issue was in May '63 and the first Fury/SHIELD issue was in December '63.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_fury

Hahah, ruined your joke!

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Ooooh you bastahd!!!

WunkRocker May 7, 2012 at 9:58 pm

no flat top, no sale. also PC card played. AN NEGRO. We found a place for 1 in 'Merica's white Avengers.

DocChaos May 8, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Turns out Gabe Jones pulled a "Don Draper" and switched dog tags with a deceased Fury after Nick's shredded shirt lost it's bullet repelling abilities.

Considering the prior live action Nick Fury was played by David Hasselhoff, you'd think folks would be careful about complaining about Sam Jackson.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm

And he smoked a cigar!

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 4:37 pm

And a flattop!

GlowneyHouse May 7, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Needs more Dum Dum Dugan

valthemus May 7, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Needs more Ultron.

mrpuma2u May 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Well c'mon Nick Fury in this movie is a blah. It's bad enough that we have a blah muslin preznint. A blah in charge of our high tech death machines? Not even if it pretend stops the world from ending, cuz what kinda world is that anyway?

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 3:52 pm

A black man is in charge, and his top lieutenant is a woman. How we we have a black man and a woman commanding our military death machines?

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Avengers The Sequel will address the aftermath of such horror.

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Let's hope so; that would at least give Cobie Smolders something more to do.

MosesInvests May 7, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Cobie Smolders? Yes indeed, she does.

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 4:00 pm

True story: When Marvel came up with the "Ultimate" line of comics that reinvent all of their major characters, they made Ultimate Nick Fury black. Shortly after they introduced him, one of the artists started drawing him as Sam Jackson. Sam found out about it, liked it, and gave them official permission to use his likeness. This was all long before Marvel Studios started making its own movies. So, it became self-fulfilling casting.

James Michael Curley May 7, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Yea, but with that clear glass plane wouldn't Wonder Woman see the snakes?

WunkRocker May 7, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Wonder Woman Upskirt Libel!

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:05 pm

But it's Mother Fucking Samuel L. Jackson! They don't come anymore American than that motherfucker!

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Anybody with a wallet that says Bad Motherfucker is, well, a bad motherfucker.

Designer_Rants May 7, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Why is there no motherfuckin' Samuel L. Jackson on this motherfuckin' armed forces-owned plane?!

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 1:15 am

We also got blah Jedis. Everybody knows that the best Jedi's are green. I mean, what is the nation coming to?

mormos May 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

thor is an illegal immigrant, also

CZL May 7, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Come to think of it, has Tony Stark used his massive corporate tax breaks to create a single job? And what's with letting Russian spies see all our best technology?

At least Captain America is there.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Playing a doddering dodo dinosaur who's expiration date was 70 years ago!

GhostBuggy May 7, 2012 at 4:53 pm

What's more, he got out of the weapons biznezz. Think of all that waste! I'm not referring to the laid-off workers so much as all the Afghan weddings that went un-bombed.

Wile E. Quixote May 7, 2012 at 4:05 pm

That's different though, because Thor is white, so it's OK for him to be an illegal immigrant, just like it was OK for John Derbyshire to be an illegal immigrant and like it's OK for Michelle Malkin, Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio to be anchor babies.

doloras May 7, 2012 at 5:45 pm

You don't get any whiter than a Norse god, as your average neo-Nazi could tell you.

WunkRocker May 7, 2012 at 10:02 pm

White people can't be immigrants. Heh. Look at Superman.

nounverb911 May 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I'm still waiting for someone to make an action movie out of "Chutes and Ladders".

JerkCade May 7, 2012 at 3:46 pm

In a world filled with hungry hippos . . .

nounverb911 May 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Rock'em Sock'em Robots?

mormos May 7, 2012 at 3:51 pm

you mean Real Steel?

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Exactly!

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

"Parcheesi—The Movie"

GuyClinch May 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I'm still waiting for my script "Solitaire" to be optioned. Call me, James Cameron!

Designer_Rants May 7, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Might I suggest "Spider Solitaire"? You have to find that angle.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 7, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Spider Solitaire: Turn off the Sound.

WhatTheHolyHeck May 7, 2012 at 5:28 pm

This deserves far more love than it has as yet received.

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 1:18 am

Given that it's boring-assed Solitaire, maybe you should be asking for Kirk Cameron.

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Connect Four with Charles Bronson: This time it's personal!

Estproph May 7, 2012 at 5:22 pm

It was an evil older than time.

It would stop at nothing to control All that fell within its' grasp.

Its goal was to link up and control the most important leaders of Earth, and through them, the world.

Nothing can stop it, if it can…CONNECT FOUR.

From the director of Battleship – CONNECT FOUR. The fight to stop the connections begins now!

Actually, I put this up on my facebook the other day, after seeing a preview for Battleship.

WunkRocker May 7, 2012 at 10:03 pm

With a trailer for JAckie Chan's "Go."

sullivanst May 8, 2012 at 8:49 am

Don't tell me it ends in a tie due to them not playing with superko rules…

Lascauxcaveman May 7, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Candyland, starring Johnny Depp as King Candy, Helena Bonham Carter as Queen Frostine, and a Alan Rickman as the evil Lord Licorice.

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Directed by Tim Burton, of course, with that cast.

Lascauxcaveman May 7, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Just think how many Happy Meals® that sucker would sell.

WunkRocker May 7, 2012 at 10:04 pm

I think I've already seen that, it seems so plausible.

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 1:19 am

You sure that's not John Candy's autobiography/

banana_bread May 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

You jest, but the nightmare is real and it's face is Adam Sandler.

Mumbletypeg May 7, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Effin' "Haunted Mansion." That board game spooked me as badly as any creepy film I might've seen before age ten.
* I can't find online any version of the *exact* game I remember in my mind. So any film, like the successors that have ensued to replicate the original board game's spookiness, would probably >> utter FAIL.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 4:40 pm

That was made for kids 5 and up. Can you imagine giving a 5 yo *that* today? I think that's grounds for child endangerment.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Dibs on "A Toy Called Slinky"

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 4:26 pm

"Mille Bornes – Road Rage France" starring Gerard DePardieu and the hot French Canadian Babes from "Mad Men" and "Pan Am"

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:34 pm

With Coup Fourree as the wonder mechanic…

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Merde! Panne d'essence, encore!!

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Connect Four – the movie! See just how sneaky Sis can get.

WhatTheHolyHeck May 7, 2012 at 5:26 pm

When the world seems about to teeter into oblivion…

When any move could lead to disaster…

There's only one person the world can turn to, one person who can eliminate the enemy and preserve the balance between life and death…

This summer, meet JENGA MASTER

Swampgas_Man May 7, 2012 at 7:32 pm

In today's economy, the obvious choice would be "SORRY!"

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Is that fucking 1%er Tony Stark in this movie?

Generation[redacted] May 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm

And he doesn't even push for tax cuts for the rich. Or cutting welfare to increase the defense budget – that's the kind of unrealistic movie that DoD just can't cooperate with.

PuckStopsHere May 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I hope they don't hear that Murphy Brown got knocked up.

Maman May 7, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Boo, Cooperation!!! (might as well boo kindergarten too. They teach that socialism there, don't they?)

CrankyLttlCamperette May 7, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Not if you go to Liberty School!

Maman May 7, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Is Liberty School like "Lord of the Flies" or the "Hunger Games"?

johnnymeatworth May 7, 2012 at 3:50 pm

So wait, you mean people infected with gamma rays don't REALLY turn green and gain twenty shirt sizes?

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 3:52 pm

But he never bursts out of his trousers, only his shirts. I guess a big giant green wang would probably have pushed them to an R rating.

johnnymeatworth May 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I prefer the term "jolly green giant," but point taken.

Wile E. Quixote May 7, 2012 at 4:33 pm

If you're exposed to a massive burst of gamma radiation, turn green, gain 20 shirt sizes and have an erection lasting more than four hours should you contact a physician?

mavenmaven May 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

They do, just in real life they don't turn back.

Swampgas_Man May 7, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Intense radiation WILL give you superpowers, provided you define "Bleeding out your pores, while your bones wither and your organs liquefy" as a Superpower.

johnnymeatworth May 7, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Well sure, who doesn't?

bagofmice May 7, 2012 at 9:17 pm

So more of a Plastic Man experience?

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 7, 2012 at 3:52 pm

How come superheroes are always American? Does China have any superheroes we need to worry about? It seems maybe Chernobyl could have spawned a mutant or two. There were those guys that superman fought back in the eighties that seemed kind of russian, but they were aliens, right? What about Japan? There should be all kinds of radioactive critters running around biting people now. Great, now I have something new to worry about.

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 3:56 pm

What about Japan? There should be all kinds of radioactive critters running around biting people now.

♪♫ Go go Godzilla ♪♫

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Don't forget Big Man Japan.

mormos May 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

all the upfists to you sir.

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 4:00 pm

China has The Radioactive Man, who was originally a Cold War-era villain before becoming a hero, and Japan has Sunfire and The Silver Samurai.

GhostBuggy May 7, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Also, Russia has the Crimson Dynamo, who has alternately been friends with/tried to kill Iron Man.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:08 pm

JET JAGUAR LIBEL!

(boy, how often am I going to get to use JJ in back-to-back threads?)

mormos May 7, 2012 at 4:22 pm

China has "the great ten" which includes such members as August General in Iron, Accomplished Perfect Physician, and Ghost Fox Killer. They are literally (they're comic book characters but you know what I mean) not allowed to do anything without permission from the Chinese government. That's DC though, not marvel.

bagofmice May 7, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Godzilla is definately something to be worried about.

WunkRocker May 7, 2012 at 10:08 pm

You guys know you can see naked ladies on the internet now? Mostly for free.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 7, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Sometimes when I am having a bad day I like to ask questions like that so that these guys can remind me that I'm not really as big of a nerd as I think I am.

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 1:22 am

Isn't Black Widow a Russian?

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm

When's the Tailhook movie comming out.

mrpuma2u May 7, 2012 at 4:03 pm

They could call it Topgun II: Sloppy Seconds gun

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Is it just me but at the end of Top Gun did you notice some homo erotic undertones between Maverick and Iceman? I mean they WERE in the Navy.

Chet Kincaid May 7, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Number One on my list of '80s Movies I Missed And Hope To Never See.

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I made it a point to see every movie that Kenny Logins did the sound track to. That man is a GOD of shitty music!

Generation[redacted] May 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I envy you, really.

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I you suggesting that "you can be my wingman" is some kind of euphemism for playing catcher, or something?

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Were the songs "Playing With The Boys"* and "Highway To the Anal Zone" not enough of a hint?

*real song from the soundtrack.

Generation[redacted] May 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Just at the end of the movie?

Pop_Socket May 7, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Those weren't undertones. The entire movie was practically a Village People music video.

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 4:46 pm

The sand volleyball scene didn't set off your gaydar?

Generation[redacted] May 7, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I have no gaydar to speak of, I just remember thinking, "This movie is so crappy, I don't understand why all the girls and a few guys love it so much?"

Stevola May 8, 2012 at 1:18 am

Officers. Pilots, no less

memzilla May 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Right-wing nuts (and the Pentagon brass!) have been anxious for years to prevent any foreign commanders from giving orders to U.S. troops.

Actually, and unfortunately, foreign commanders have defacto been giving orders to US troops for the past couple of wars. Like, "get out."

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

They're just jealous that our military doesn't have a helicarrier like S.H.I.E.L.D.

mavenmaven May 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Inuyasha would kick their asses.

BerkeleyBear May 7, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Sit, boy!

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 1:23 am

And, Sailor Moon could whip mine, if she'd like.

SayItWithWookies May 7, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Said a spokesman for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, "It would look bad to portray our military as working at the behest of a bunch of crazy men in silly costumes who do most of their work in secret. Oh, wait."

spends2much May 7, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Will the sound effects in Battleship be a bunch of 10 year olds making blow up sounds? That, my friends, would be authentic (well, to us over 40 types who may actually have played the original game).

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 3:58 pm

God did that game suck balls.

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 4:04 pm

The problem is that it worked on the honor system. So none of Baconz friends ever beat him.

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 4:29 pm

So all your ships were stealth ships, eh?

James Michael Curley May 7, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Battleship was the only really useful use of all that graph paper they would hand out in the beginning of the school year. But you had to do it quietly by passing tiny notes because some pasty faced druid was up at the front of the class talking about something called Geo Metery.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 7, 2012 at 3:59 pm

But just wait until the highly anticipated Battleship movie…

I'm holding out for Hungry, Hungry Hippos II: Electric Boogaloo

James Michael Curley May 7, 2012 at 4:00 pm
ElPinche May 7, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Most wingtards have no idea what the word treason means. And Romney has no idea what dignity means. Slimey Mitt would sell his kids for the presidency.

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 4:50 pm

What's treasonous? Being President while blah?

Billmatic May 7, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Am I wrong or did Battleship take off the "Based on the Milton Bradley board game" after the poorly received super bowl commercial?

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 4:13 pm

"G-4"

"Hit! You sank my "Commercial Tie in"

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:18 pm

And to think, Liam Neeson used to be an actor…

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Larry Olivier starred in a Moonie Production called Inchon for the million dollar paycheck… the worst war movie ever and that's saying a lot cause there have been plenty of shitty war movies.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I don't begrudge a guy making a movie for money, and Olivier was in constant peril of losing something or other or paying alimony.

Ever since Natasha died, it's like Neeson has slowly spiraled down the bowl. He was fun in SW: TPM, and from then on….WHOOSH!

Pop_Socket May 7, 2012 at 4:26 pm

He's on the Michael Caine career path.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:31 pm

At least Caine pops a good one out every so often, like Harry Brown or Children of Men.

Generation[redacted] May 7, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Spoiler alert: At the end of the movie it's revealed that it was all just a game played in the back seat of the family station wagon on a long road trip. Closing credits: Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

emmelemm May 7, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Nice.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 7, 2012 at 4:53 pm

If only!

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 1:28 am

Which is when I take my half-empty large Pepsi and throw it at the screen.

I'll never forgiive him for the twist in The Village. Never.

BerkeleyBear May 7, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I just saw a trailer that says "From Hasbro" and links it through the company to the Transformers franchise. Which just made me giggle, envisioning all the bad Battleship ads being re-enacted in the movie.

weejee May 7, 2012 at 4:05 pm

♪♫ Mitt wants to be an Airborne Ranger
Mitt wants to live a life of danger
Every day!!!
All the way!!! ♫♪

NFW José, or whatever Willard is is Messican.

BarackMyWorld May 7, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I thought it was established in the first "Iron Man" movie that SHIELD was a U.S. outfit.

Even Black Widow has an American accent and they say repeatedly she's from Russia

WhatTheHeck May 7, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Superman would never take orders from any foreigner, even if he was an alien anchor baby from another planet. Which he was.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:18 pm

JOR-EL LIBEL!

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Superman never made any money saving the world from Warner Bros stupidity. Sometimes I fear we'll never see another like him…

HistoriCat May 7, 2012 at 5:22 pm
ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 4:09 pm

"Enough is enough! I have had it with the motherfucking UN on this motherfucking heli-carrier!"

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I really wish they would come out with an accurate fantasy action movie: a bunch of idiots sitting in a dark theatre shouting "PEW! PEW PEW!" at the screen…

ElPinche May 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Watching the actors playing Battleship game sounds more interesting that the movie.

CrunchyKnee May 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Milton Bradley wasn't no God damned one world commie!!!!111!!one!1

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 4:54 pm

And he wasn't worth a shit as a baseball player either.
Who blows an ACL arguing a umpire's call?

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 4:13 pm

And with all he's done for the country, how has Steve Rogers not been given any promotions? He should be at least Colonel America by now. Hell, he's still just a Captain even though he's director of S.H.I.E.L.D., while Fury was a General in that position; but then both Iron Man and The Green Goblin were civilians when they were put in command of S.H.I.E.L.D.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 4:17 pm

cough cough nerd cough cough

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Now hey you knew I was a nerd when you started dating me! And you're one too; a sexy nerd girl.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I don't know. You lost your nerd cred when you admitted you still haven't seen Firefly. And trust me, you would LOVE the extreme sexual tension between Inara and Saffron.

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I do plan on getting around to it, one of these days!

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 4:55 pm

People actually watched Firefly? Must of been on at the same time as Doctor Who, because I've never seen it either.

BaldarTFlagass May 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Maybe they made him a Navy captain, which is an 0-6 with the same eagle collar device as your colonel.

WhatTheHeck May 7, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Know what? Super Dog could lick all their asses. That was one badass dog.

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 4:35 pm

He's no more promotable than Major Major Major Major.

WunkRocker May 7, 2012 at 10:19 pm

We have to run that by Milo.

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 4:15 pm

The stoned man playing the Iron Man?

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 4:15 pm

And Battleship? About some R-word aliens who can't beat Rihanna in a board game?

Can't wait for the military application of Twister.

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 4:16 pm

And Josh, I just noticed the tag and hee, as a Whedon geek that's great.

emmelemm May 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Best tag ever!

redarmyzombie May 9, 2012 at 1:33 am

Wait, what? a Whedon geek that hasn't seen Firefly?

WHAT'S WITH YOU, MAN!?!?

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Need some help here: are there shirtless werewolves in Avengers? Because I only watch movies with shirtless werewolves. Well, I'll settle for a bedazzled vampire, but nothing less!

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm

How about hulking vajazzled frost giants?

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Oh you ladies and your Twilight love. No… but there is the shirtless hulk.

Wile E. Quixote May 7, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I'm still waiting for pants-less Hulk. Imagine how terrifying it would be to see the Hulk coming at you completely naked and sporting a huge, erect and incredibly veiny erection. Do you think hearing the Hulk say "Hulk Smash!" is terrifying? Imagine how terrifying it would be to hear the Hulk say "Hulk Fuck!", and realizing that he's talking about you.

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 4:33 pm
actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Starring my favorite wrestler of all time, Chyna.

SorosBot May 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Not this time around, sadly; maybe the next Captain America movie will feature The Deadly Nightshade, a mad scientist who wears a leather bikini and boots who once turned Cap into a werewolf.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nightshade_%28Marvel

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I like a lady in a leather bikini who earned her PhD while in prison. Rowr!

Baconzgood May 7, 2012 at 4:25 pm

You need more Bruce Campbell crushing zombies skulls with a mechanical hand in your cinema diet.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Hail to the king, baby

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:20 pm

When they get around to making a live-action Reid Fleming movie, let me know…

Steverino247 May 7, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I refuse to pay money to watch movies based on comic books or children's games. If the grandchildren are watching such fare on DVD, I might stick around because they're fun to be with, but that's it.

MissTaken May 7, 2012 at 4:25 pm

And get off my lawn!

Steverino247 May 7, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Kids in my neighborhood can play in my yard all they want since the minefield was emplaced.

Seriously, I don't care about being in my yard, mostly because it's still all torn up from the house remodel. Landscaping comes after you run out of money, you know…

Pop_Socket May 7, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Not to rain on the verisimilitude of a Hollywood movie but no real battleship has been set to sea in decades.

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Since 93 when the US America Navy couldn't afford the 600 ship Navy that Raygun and John Lehman pushed for cause it helped add 2 trillion fucking US America funbucks in 1990 money to the national debt. Rather than face reality wingnuts blamed it all on Clinton.

Hedley_Lamarr May 7, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Well, there was that KABLOOM on the USS Iowa, which made the Navy realize that 50+ year old ships should probably be cut up. And, wait for it, they blamed that one on the gays as well.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Well, of course not!

When you can sink it by calling out four coordinates in a row? That would be silly!

spends2much May 7, 2012 at 6:18 pm

And the Captain has to shout "You sank my battleship!"
Not a winning naval strategy…

BerkeleyBear May 7, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Yeah, but try selling "Carrier" (again) or "Missile Frigate" or "Litorral Fighting Platform System." It just doesn't have the same panache, man.

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Remember when the USS Iowa turned her 16 inch guns on to the beaches of Grenada before our brave Marines went to shore to save some privileged kids at a third rate medical school?
Good times!

Generation[redacted] May 7, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I remember that same ship pounding Lebanon in response to mortar fire using an ancient fire control system with a 1 mile accuracy so they just kept firing until the mortars stopped and called it a victory.

poorgradstudent May 7, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Don't tell them about the time the Justice League of America became the Justice League International.

deanbooth May 7, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Oh, I see now. I thought all the hoopla was about an Emma Peel movie.

valthemus May 7, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I'll mention the Emma Peel Avengers movie just to say that it should never be mentioned again.

Guppy May 7, 2012 at 5:10 pm

After a certain two-and-a-half hour defense industry infomercial, I've been rather wary of films made "in cooperation with the DoD."

Generation[redacted] May 7, 2012 at 5:35 pm
hagajim May 7, 2012 at 5:17 pm

How in the hell do you make a movie out of one of the most boring board games ever? Battleship my ass, more like battlecrap.

doloras May 7, 2012 at 5:36 pm

WILLOW'S NOT GAY DAMMIT SHE'S BISEXUAL SHE WAS TOTALLY INTO OZ!!!

RavenRant May 7, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Letting our troops take orders from corporate criminals like Blackwater Xe Academi is still A-Okay, though.

owhatever May 7, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Godzilla Rules.

BZ1 May 7, 2012 at 11:34 pm

The Pentagon is reality-based?

Negropolis May 8, 2012 at 1:10 am

so it’ll make a gazillion dollars times infinity.

Well, this is mostly because it will feature pop-star Rihanna in the different stages of undress, I'm sure.

Anyway, if the military took any issue with the movie, it should have been that it didn't feature enough Middle Eastern wedding strikes by unmanned drones.

Dildeaux May 8, 2012 at 8:44 am

AGENDA 21 SHEEPLE!!1!

Bike paths are sochulist commie attempts for the UN to enact the New World Odor. Wake up Murika!

DerrickWildcat May 8, 2012 at 11:19 am

I offer you, The Falcon, First Black Super Hero! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falcon_%28comics%29

I wasn't a comic book nerd when I was a little kid, but I would buy them now and then if I had to sit in a car for a long time. I remember getting one with The Falcon and he was fighting with Captain America.

ttommyunger May 8, 2012 at 1:18 pm

My favorite Superhero is the Indian in "Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law", who was able to get it up again by the end of the episode. Inspiring!

redarmyzombie May 9, 2012 at 1:52 am

Seriously? They went with Battleship over the Avengers, just because they couldn't rule the world?

Ohhhh, this makes me saaaaaad…

Wile E. Quixote May 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Lindsey Graham was a mild-mannered Republican senator from South Carolina until he wandered into a gay bathhouse, purely by mistake mind you, was bitten by a radio-active homosexual and became the Amazing Fellatio-man. Fellatio-man, who can suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch through 50 feet of garden house. Fellatio-man, whose super neck and jaw muscles never get tired. Fellatio-man, who has never met a knob he couldn't gobble. Fellatio-man, who only grows mightier when he consumes an entire dumpster full of cum. Fellatio-man, who believes that with great fellatio-power comes great responsibility to swallow ever last drop.

From his headquarters on the Appalachian trail Fellatio-man takes a wide stance and looks out over the state of South Carolina.

Is that the kind of thing you're looking for?

smashedinhat May 7, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Well, it's a bit over the top you have to admit.

GOPCrusher May 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm

A gay bathhouse in South Carolina?

Wile E. Quixote May 7, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Only a bit over the top? Damnit! I was going for fabulously over the top. Perhaps I need to introduce Fellatio-man's sidekick, the White Swallow, who was formerly mild-mannered South Carolina Republican politician Andre Bauer until he wandered into a gay bathhouse, purely by accident mind you, was bitten by a radio-active homosexual and became the White Swallow, sidekick to the Amazing Fellatio-man. How's that?

sullivanst May 7, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I think you need to tweak your pitch. Something like

What if I was to tell you Fellatio-man could gobble down a 22" cock. Is that something you might be interested in?

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Been done before and better…which ain't saying much.

actor212 May 7, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Do Farscape first. Much better

Billmatic May 7, 2012 at 4:47 pm

But: "You plague our people at every tuyrn*, and let it be known that whoever tries to strike us from this land shall be swiftly cut down!!!"

*irish sic

HistoriCat May 7, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Like anyone in South Carolina takes a bath!

bagofmice May 7, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Are you one of those people that watch cable, or even *shudder* broadcast?

Internets. We haz them.

WunkRocker May 7, 2012 at 10:00 pm

WWCRD?
(Condi Ricecakes)

CrankyLttlCamperette May 7, 2012 at 11:33 pm

I guess we're more political wonks than theatre geeks.

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