they're still mad that willow's gay

U.S. Troops Won’t Answer To Liberal U.N. Secretary-General Nick Fury

CAPTAIN UNITED NATIONS MORE LIKESure, every single human shelled out good money this past weekend to watch their nerd fantasies come true and all of their favorite funnybook superheroes (at least all the ones owned by one specific media conglomerate, and not counting Spider-Man because he has his own movie coming out later this summer, we guess) come together to fight evil, together, as a team. And sure, pretty much everyone seemed to enjoy this exercise in superheroics, and even thought it was kind of well written, for once. But everyone experienced a nagging feeling that maybe the non-super-human-operated kill-machines weren’t the same physical kill-machines that our U.S. military uses, to protect us (by killing). And that’s because the U.S. military wisely kept their kill-machines out of this movie, because the Avengers are a one-world-government U.N. plot to undermine American sovereignty, for real.

Spencer Ackerman over at Wired has the whole important story about how, like most Hollywood epics, The Avengers was working with the U.S. military so that actual sweet-ass fighter jets and shit would appear on camera and bring “gritty realism” to the film AND convince people to join the Army. But the military ended the relationship before the film was completed, due to the plot’s “unreality.” That “unreality” involved not robot suits and rage-mutants and space monsters or whatever, but rather the hint that maybe S.H.I.E.L.D was coordinating with the U.S. Armed Forces to save all of humanity, not just the America part.

“We couldn’t reconcile the unreality of this international organization and our place in it,” Phil Strub, the Defense Department’s Hollywood liaison, tells Danger Room. “To whom did S.H.I.E.L.D. answer? Did we work for S.H.I.E.L.D.? We hit that roadblock and decided we couldn’t do anything” with the film.

Right-wing nuts (and the Pentagon brass!) have been anxious for years to prevent any foreign commanders from giving orders to U.S. troops. Lots of foreign military units take orders from different-kind-of-foreign (or even American!) commanders in international peacekeeping efforts, of course, but this doesn’t apply to us, because, you know, exceptionalism. And now it doesn’t apply in magical comic book land either!

Anyway, the Avengers just drew all the warplanes with computers and it still made a gazillion dollars, so whatever. But just wait until the highly anticipated Battleship movie, based on the extremely boring board game, comes out later this summer! That one is totally Pentagon-approved and has a cameo from the Secretary of the Navy in it, so it’ll make a gazillion dollars times infinity. [Wired via Pareene]

(Awesome Captain America pic from MrPhilDog/Flickr)

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

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  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Paths of Gory

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yup. Sure made me want to join the army.

    • Baconzgood

      Up fist for Kubrick reference.

    • WunkRocker

      …holes

  • sullivanst

    But just wait until the highly anticipated Battleship movie, based on the extremely boring board game, comes out later this summer! That one is totally Pentagon-approved and has a cameo from the Secretary of the Navy in it, so it’ll make a gazillion dollars times infinity.

    Yes, Presidential appointees requiring Senate confirmation make everything less boring.

    • fuflans

      we saw a preview for battleship yesterday (previewing before avengers of course). i said to mr. fuflans that was the loudest most incomprehensible shoot-em up i've ever seen.

      i didn't know it was based on the game. makes perfect sense.;

  • BaldarTFlagass

    When I was a kid, Nick Fury was white and just a sergeant with a few howling commandos.

    • CZL

      Affirmative action? In my comics?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Nick Fury was always a World War II guy AND a '60s Spy Master, simultaneously; the first Howling Commandos issue was in May '63 and the first Fury/SHIELD issue was in December '63.
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_fury

      Hahah, ruined your joke!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Ooooh you bastahd!!!

      • WunkRocker

        no flat top, no sale. also PC card played. AN NEGRO. We found a place for 1 in 'Merica's white Avengers.

      • DocChaos

        Turns out Gabe Jones pulled a "Don Draper" and switched dog tags with a deceased Fury after Nick's shredded shirt lost it's bullet repelling abilities.

        Considering the prior live action Nick Fury was played by David Hasselhoff, you'd think folks would be careful about complaining about Sam Jackson.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And he smoked a cigar!

      • GOPCrusher

        And a flattop!

    • GlowneyHouse

      Needs more Dum Dum Dugan

      • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

        Needs more Ultron.

  • mrpuma2u

    Well c'mon Nick Fury in this movie is a blah. It's bad enough that we have a blah muslin preznint. A blah in charge of our high tech death machines? Not even if it pretend stops the world from ending, cuz what kinda world is that anyway?

    • SorosBot

      A black man is in charge, and his top lieutenant is a woman. How we we have a black man and a woman commanding our military death machines?

      • MissTaken

        Avengers The Sequel will address the aftermath of such horror.

        • SorosBot

          Let's hope so; that would at least give Cobie Smolders something more to do.

          • MosesInvests

            Cobie Smolders? Yes indeed, she does.

          • WunkRocker

            WWCRD?
            (Condi Ricecakes)

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      True story: When Marvel came up with the "Ultimate" line of comics that reinvent all of their major characters, they made Ultimate Nick Fury black. Shortly after they introduced him, one of the artists started drawing him as Sam Jackson. Sam found out about it, liked it, and gave them official permission to use his likeness. This was all long before Marvel Studios started making its own movies. So, it became self-fulfilling casting.

      • James Michael Curley

        Yea, but with that clear glass plane wouldn't Wonder Woman see the snakes?

        • WunkRocker

          Wonder Woman Upskirt Libel!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      But it's Mother Fucking Samuel L. Jackson! They don't come anymore American than that motherfucker!

      • GOPCrusher

        Anybody with a wallet that says Bad Motherfucker is, well, a bad motherfucker.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Why is there no motherfuckin' Samuel L. Jackson on this motherfuckin' armed forces-owned plane?!

    • Negropolis

      We also got blah Jedis. Everybody knows that the best Jedi's are green. I mean, what is the nation coming to?

  • mormos

    thor is an illegal immigrant, also

    • CZL

      Come to think of it, has Tony Stark used his massive corporate tax breaks to create a single job? And what's with letting Russian spies see all our best technology?

      At least Captain America is there.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Playing a doddering dodo dinosaur who's expiration date was 70 years ago!

      • GhostBuggy

        What's more, he got out of the weapons biznezz. Think of all that waste! I'm not referring to the laid-off workers so much as all the Afghan weddings that went un-bombed.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      That's different though, because Thor is white, so it's OK for him to be an illegal immigrant, just like it was OK for John Derbyshire to be an illegal immigrant and like it's OK for Michelle Malkin, Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio to be anchor babies.

      • doloras

        You don't get any whiter than a Norse god, as your average neo-Nazi could tell you.

    • WunkRocker

      White people can't be immigrants. Heh. Look at Superman.

  • nounverb911

    I'm still waiting for someone to make an action movie out of "Chutes and Ladders".

    • JerkCade

      In a world filled with hungry hippos . . .

      • nounverb911

        Rock'em Sock'em Robots?

        • mormos

          you mean Real Steel?

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Exactly!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Been done before and better…which ain't saying much.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Parcheesi—The Movie"

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      I'm still waiting for my script "Solitaire" to be optioned. Call me, James Cameron!

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Might I suggest "Spider Solitaire"? You have to find that angle.

        • CrankyLttlCamperette

          Spider Solitaire: Turn off the Sound.

          • WhatTheHolyHeck

            This deserves far more love than it has as yet received.

          • CrankyLttlCamperette

            I guess we're more political wonks than theatre geeks.

      • Negropolis

        Given that it's boring-assed Solitaire, maybe you should be asking for Kirk Cameron.

    • Baconzgood

      Connect Four with Charles Bronson: This time it's personal!

      • Estproph

        It was an evil older than time.

        It would stop at nothing to control All that fell within its' grasp.

        Its goal was to link up and control the most important leaders of Earth, and through them, the world.

        Nothing can stop it, if it can…CONNECT FOUR.

        From the director of Battleship – CONNECT FOUR. The fight to stop the connections begins now!

        Actually, I put this up on my facebook the other day, after seeing a preview for Battleship.

        • WunkRocker

          With a trailer for JAckie Chan's "Go."

          • sullivanst

            Don't tell me it ends in a tie due to them not playing with superko rules…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Candyland, starring Johnny Depp as King Candy, Helena Bonham Carter as Queen Frostine, and a Alan Rickman as the evil Lord Licorice.

      • sullivanst

        Directed by Tim Burton, of course, with that cast.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Just think how many Happy Meals® that sucker would sell.

          • WunkRocker

            I think I've already seen that, it seems so plausible.

      • Negropolis

        You sure that's not John Candy's autobiography/

      • banana_bread

        You jest, but the nightmare is real and it's face is Adam Sandler.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Effin' "Haunted Mansion." That board game spooked me as badly as any creepy film I might've seen before age ten.
      * I can't find online any version of the *exact* game I remember in my mind. So any film, like the successors that have ensued to replicate the original board game's spookiness, would probably >> utter FAIL.

      • MissTaken

        That was made for kids 5 and up. Can you imagine giving a 5 yo *that* today? I think that's grounds for child endangerment.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Dibs on "A Toy Called Slinky"

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "Mille Bornes – Road Rage France" starring Gerard DePardieu and the hot French Canadian Babes from "Mad Men" and "Pan Am"

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        With Coup Fourree as the wonder mechanic…

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Merde! Panne d'essence, encore!!

    • SorosBot

      Connect Four – the movie! See just how sneaky Sis can get.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      When the world seems about to teeter into oblivion…

      When any move could lead to disaster…

      There's only one person the world can turn to, one person who can eliminate the enemy and preserve the balance between life and death…

      This summer, meet JENGA MASTER

    • Swampgas_Man

      In today's economy, the obvious choice would be "SORRY!"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is that fucking 1%er Tony Stark in this movie?

    • Generation[redacted]

      And he doesn't even push for tax cuts for the rich. Or cutting welfare to increase the defense budget – that's the kind of unrealistic movie that DoD just can't cooperate with.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I hope they don't hear that Murphy Brown got knocked up.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Boo, Cooperation!!! (might as well boo kindergarten too. They teach that socialism there, don't they?)

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Not if you go to Liberty School!

      • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

        Is Liberty School like "Lord of the Flies" or the "Hunger Games"?

  • johnnymeatworth

    So wait, you mean people infected with gamma rays don't REALLY turn green and gain twenty shirt sizes?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      But he never bursts out of his trousers, only his shirts. I guess a big giant green wang would probably have pushed them to an R rating.

      • johnnymeatworth

        I prefer the term "jolly green giant," but point taken.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        If you're exposed to a massive burst of gamma radiation, turn green, gain 20 shirt sizes and have an erection lasting more than four hours should you contact a physician?

    • mavenmaven

      They do, just in real life they don't turn back.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Intense radiation WILL give you superpowers, provided you define "Bleeding out your pores, while your bones wither and your organs liquefy" as a Superpower.

      • johnnymeatworth

        Well sure, who doesn't?

      • bagofmice

        So more of a Plastic Man experience?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    How come superheroes are always American? Does China have any superheroes we need to worry about? It seems maybe Chernobyl could have spawned a mutant or two. There were those guys that superman fought back in the eighties that seemed kind of russian, but they were aliens, right? What about Japan? There should be all kinds of radioactive critters running around biting people now. Great, now I have something new to worry about.

    • sullivanst

      What about Japan? There should be all kinds of radioactive critters running around biting people now.

      ♪♫ Go go Godzilla ♪♫

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Don't forget Big Man Japan.

        • mormos

          all the upfists to you sir.

    • SorosBot

      China has The Radioactive Man, who was originally a Cold War-era villain before becoming a hero, and Japan has Sunfire and The Silver Samurai.

      • GhostBuggy

        Also, Russia has the Crimson Dynamo, who has alternately been friends with/tried to kill Iron Man.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      JET JAGUAR LIBEL!

      (boy, how often am I going to get to use JJ in back-to-back threads?)

    • mormos

      China has "the great ten" which includes such members as August General in Iron, Accomplished Perfect Physician, and Ghost Fox Killer. They are literally (they're comic book characters but you know what I mean) not allowed to do anything without permission from the Chinese government. That's DC though, not marvel.

    • bagofmice

      Godzilla is definately something to be worried about.

      • WunkRocker

        You guys know you can see naked ladies on the internet now? Mostly for free.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Sometimes when I am having a bad day I like to ask questions like that so that these guys can remind me that I'm not really as big of a nerd as I think I am.

    • Negropolis

      Isn't Black Widow a Russian?

  • Baconzgood

    When's the Tailhook movie comming out.

    • mrpuma2u

      They could call it Topgun II: Sloppy Seconds gun

      • Baconzgood

        Is it just me but at the end of Top Gun did you notice some homo erotic undertones between Maverick and Iceman? I mean they WERE in the Navy.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Number One on my list of '80s Movies I Missed And Hope To Never See.

          • Baconzgood

            I made it a point to see every movie that Kenny Logins did the sound track to. That man is a GOD of shitty music!

          • Generation[redacted]

            I envy you, really.

        • sullivanst

          I you suggesting that "you can be my wingman" is some kind of euphemism for playing catcher, or something?

        • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

          Were the songs "Playing With The Boys"* and "Highway To the Anal Zone" not enough of a hint?

          *real song from the soundtrack.

        • Generation[redacted]

          Just at the end of the movie?

        • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

          Those weren't undertones. The entire movie was practically a Village People music video.

        • GOPCrusher

          The sand volleyball scene didn't set off your gaydar?

          • Generation[redacted]

            I have no gaydar to speak of, I just remember thinking, "This movie is so crappy, I don't understand why all the girls and a few guys love it so much?"

        • Stevola

          Officers. Pilots, no less

  • memzilla

    Right-wing nuts (and the Pentagon brass!) have been anxious for years to prevent any foreign commanders from giving orders to U.S. troops.

    Actually, and unfortunately, foreign commanders have defacto been giving orders to US troops for the past couple of wars. Like, "get out."

  • SorosBot

    They're just jealous that our military doesn't have a helicarrier like S.H.I.E.L.D.

  • mavenmaven

    Inuyasha would kick their asses.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Sit, boy!

    • Negropolis

      And, Sailor Moon could whip mine, if she'd like.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Said a spokesman for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, "It would look bad to portray our military as working at the behest of a bunch of crazy men in silly costumes who do most of their work in secret. Oh, wait."

  • spends2much

    Will the sound effects in Battleship be a bunch of 10 year olds making blow up sounds? That, my friends, would be authentic (well, to us over 40 types who may actually have played the original game).

    • BaldarTFlagass

      God did that game suck balls.

      • Baconzgood

        The problem is that it worked on the honor system. So none of Baconz friends ever beat him.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          So all your ships were stealth ships, eh?

    • James Michael Curley

      Battleship was the only really useful use of all that graph paper they would hand out in the beginning of the school year. But you had to do it quietly by passing tiny notes because some pasty faced druid was up at the front of the class talking about something called Geo Metery.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    But just wait until the highly anticipated Battleship movie…

    I'm holding out for Hungry, Hungry Hippos II: Electric Boogaloo

  • James Michael Curley
    • ElPinche

      Most wingtards have no idea what the word treason means. And Romney has no idea what dignity means. Slimey Mitt would sell his kids for the presidency.

    • GOPCrusher

      What's treasonous? Being President while blah?

  • Billmatic

    Am I wrong or did Battleship take off the "Based on the Milton Bradley board game" after the poorly received super bowl commercial?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      "G-4"

      "Hit! You sank my "Commercial Tie in"

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        And to think, Liam Neeson used to be an actor…

        • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

          Larry Olivier starred in a Moonie Production called Inchon for the million dollar paycheck… the worst war movie ever and that's saying a lot cause there have been plenty of shitty war movies.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I don't begrudge a guy making a movie for money, and Olivier was in constant peril of losing something or other or paying alimony.

            Ever since Natasha died, it's like Neeson has slowly spiraled down the bowl. He was fun in SW: TPM, and from then on….WHOOSH!

        • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

          He's on the Michael Caine career path.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            At least Caine pops a good one out every so often, like Harry Brown or Children of Men.

          • Billmatic

            But: "You plague our people at every tuyrn*, and let it be known that whoever tries to strike us from this land shall be swiftly cut down!!!"

            *irish sic

    • Generation[redacted]

      Spoiler alert: At the end of the movie it's revealed that it was all just a game played in the back seat of the family station wagon on a long road trip. Closing credits: Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

      • emmelemm

        Nice.

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        If only!

      • Negropolis

        Which is when I take my half-empty large Pepsi and throw it at the screen.

        I'll never forgiive him for the twist in The Village. Never.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I just saw a trailer that says "From Hasbro" and links it through the company to the Transformers franchise. Which just made me giggle, envisioning all the bad Battleship ads being re-enacted in the movie.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    ♪♫ Mitt wants to be an Airborne Ranger
    Mitt wants to live a life of danger
    Every day!!!
    All the way!!! ♫♪

    NFW José, or whatever Willard is is Messican.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I thought it was established in the first "Iron Man" movie that SHIELD was a U.S. outfit.

    Even Black Widow has an American accent and they say repeatedly she's from Russia

  • WhatTheHeck

    Superman would never take orders from any foreigner, even if he was an alien anchor baby from another planet. Which he was.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      JOR-EL LIBEL!

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Superman never made any money saving the world from Warner Bros stupidity. Sometimes I fear we'll never see another like him…

    • HistoriCat
  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    "Enough is enough! I have had it with the motherfucking UN on this motherfucking heli-carrier!"

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I really wish they would come out with an accurate fantasy action movie: a bunch of idiots sitting in a dark theatre shouting "PEW! PEW PEW!" at the screen…

  • ElPinche

    Watching the actors playing Battleship game sounds more interesting that the movie.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Milton Bradley wasn't no God damned one world commie!!!!111!!one!1

    • GOPCrusher

      And he wasn't worth a shit as a baseball player either.
      Who blows an ACL arguing a umpire's call?

  • SorosBot

    And with all he's done for the country, how has Steve Rogers not been given any promotions? He should be at least Colonel America by now. Hell, he's still just a Captain even though he's director of S.H.I.E.L.D., while Fury was a General in that position; but then both Iron Man and The Green Goblin were civilians when they were put in command of S.H.I.E.L.D.

    • MissTaken

      cough cough nerd cough cough

      • SorosBot

        Now hey you knew I was a nerd when you started dating me! And you're one too; a sexy nerd girl.

        • MissTaken

          I don't know. You lost your nerd cred when you admitted you still haven't seen Firefly. And trust me, you would LOVE the extreme sexual tension between Inara and Saffron.

          • SorosBot

            I do plan on getting around to it, one of these days!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Do Farscape first. Much better

          • GOPCrusher

            People actually watched Firefly? Must of been on at the same time as Doctor Who, because I've never seen it either.

          • bagofmice

            Are you one of those people that watch cable, or even *shudder* broadcast?

            Internets. We haz them.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe they made him a Navy captain, which is an 0-6 with the same eagle collar device as your colonel.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Know what? Super Dog could lick all their asses. That was one badass dog.

    • sullivanst

      He's no more promotable than Major Major Major Major.

      • WunkRocker

        We have to run that by Milo.

  • sullivanst

    The stoned man playing the Iron Man?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    And Battleship? About some R-word aliens who can't beat Rihanna in a board game?

    Can't wait for the military application of Twister.

  • SorosBot

    And Josh, I just noticed the tag and hee, as a Whedon geek that's great.

    • emmelemm

      Best tag ever!

    • redarmyzombie

      Wait, what? a Whedon geek that hasn't seen Firefly?

      WHAT'S WITH YOU, MAN!?!?

  • MissTaken

    Need some help here: are there shirtless werewolves in Avengers? Because I only watch movies with shirtless werewolves. Well, I'll settle for a bedazzled vampire, but nothing less!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      How about hulking vajazzled frost giants?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Oh you ladies and your Twilight love. No… but there is the shirtless hulk.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        I'm still waiting for pants-less Hulk. Imagine how terrifying it would be to see the Hulk coming at you completely naked and sporting a huge, erect and incredibly veiny erection. Do you think hearing the Hulk say "Hulk Smash!" is terrifying? Imagine how terrifying it would be to hear the Hulk say "Hulk Fuck!", and realizing that he's talking about you.

    • SorosBot

      Not this time around, sadly; maybe the next Captain America movie will feature The Deadly Nightshade, a mad scientist who wears a leather bikini and boots who once turned Cap into a werewolf.
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nightshade_%28Marvel

      • MissTaken

        I like a lady in a leather bikini who earned her PhD while in prison. Rowr!

    • Baconzgood

      You need more Bruce Campbell crushing zombies skulls with a mechanical hand in your cinema diet.

      • MissTaken

        Hail to the king, baby

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    When they get around to making a live-action Reid Fleming movie, let me know…

  • Steverino247

    I refuse to pay money to watch movies based on comic books or children's games. If the grandchildren are watching such fare on DVD, I might stick around because they're fun to be with, but that's it.

    • MissTaken

      And get off my lawn!

      • Steverino247

        Kids in my neighborhood can play in my yard all they want since the minefield was emplaced.

        Seriously, I don't care about being in my yard, mostly because it's still all torn up from the house remodel. Landscaping comes after you run out of money, you know…

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    Not to rain on the verisimilitude of a Hollywood movie but no real battleship has been set to sea in decades.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Since 93 when the US America Navy couldn't afford the 600 ship Navy that Raygun and John Lehman pushed for cause it helped add 2 trillion fucking US America funbucks in 1990 money to the national debt. Rather than face reality wingnuts blamed it all on Clinton.

      • Hedley_Lamarr

        Well, there was that KABLOOM on the USS Iowa, which made the Navy realize that 50+ year old ships should probably be cut up. And, wait for it, they blamed that one on the gays as well.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, of course not!

      When you can sink it by calling out four coordinates in a row? That would be silly!

      • spends2much

        And the Captain has to shout "You sank my battleship!"
        Not a winning naval strategy…

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but try selling "Carrier" (again) or "Missile Frigate" or "Litorral Fighting Platform System." It just doesn't have the same panache, man.

    • GOPCrusher

      Remember when the USS Iowa turned her 16 inch guns on to the beaches of Grenada before our brave Marines went to shore to save some privileged kids at a third rate medical school?
      Good times!

      • Generation[redacted]

        I remember that same ship pounding Lebanon in response to mortar fire using an ancient fire control system with a 1 mile accuracy so they just kept firing until the mortars stopped and called it a victory.

  • poorgradstudent

    Don't tell them about the time the Justice League of America became the Justice League International.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Oh, I see now. I thought all the hoopla was about an Emma Peel movie.

    • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

      I'll mention the Emma Peel Avengers movie just to say that it should never be mentioned again.

  • Guppy

    After a certain two-and-a-half hour defense industry infomercial, I've been rather wary of films made "in cooperation with the DoD."

  • hagajim

    How in the hell do you make a movie out of one of the most boring board games ever? Battleship my ass, more like battlecrap.

  • doloras

    WILLOW'S NOT GAY DAMMIT SHE'S BISEXUAL SHE WAS TOTALLY INTO OZ!!!

  • RavenRant

    Letting our troops take orders from corporate criminals like Blackwater Xe Academi is still A-Okay, though.

  • owhatever

    Godzilla Rules.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The Pentagon is reality-based?

  • Negropolis

    so it’ll make a gazillion dollars times infinity.

    Well, this is mostly because it will feature pop-star Rihanna in the different stages of undress, I'm sure.

    Anyway, if the military took any issue with the movie, it should have been that it didn't feature enough Middle Eastern wedding strikes by unmanned drones.

  • Dildeaux

    AGENDA 21 SHEEPLE!!1!

    Bike paths are sochulist commie attempts for the UN to enact the New World Odor. Wake up Murika!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I offer you, The Falcon, First Black Super Hero! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falcon_%28comics%29

    I wasn't a comic book nerd when I was a little kid, but I would buy them now and then if I had to sit in a car for a long time. I remember getting one with The Falcon and he was fighting with Captain America.

  • ttommyunger

    My favorite Superhero is the Indian in "Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law", who was able to get it up again by the end of the episode. Inspiring!

  • redarmyzombie

    Seriously? They went with Battleship over the Avengers, just because they couldn't rule the world?

    Ohhhh, this makes me saaaaaad…

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Lindsey Graham was a mild-mannered Republican senator from South Carolina until he wandered into a gay bathhouse, purely by mistake mind you, was bitten by a radio-active homosexual and became the Amazing Fellatio-man. Fellatio-man, who can suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch through 50 feet of garden house. Fellatio-man, whose super neck and jaw muscles never get tired. Fellatio-man, who has never met a knob he couldn't gobble. Fellatio-man, who only grows mightier when he consumes an entire dumpster full of cum. Fellatio-man, who believes that with great fellatio-power comes great responsibility to swallow ever last drop.

    From his headquarters on the Appalachian trail Fellatio-man takes a wide stance and looks out over the state of South Carolina.

    Is that the kind of thing you're looking for?

  • smashedinhat

    Well, it's a bit over the top you have to admit.

  • GOPCrusher

    A gay bathhouse in South Carolina?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Only a bit over the top? Damnit! I was going for fabulously over the top. Perhaps I need to introduce Fellatio-man's sidekick, the White Swallow, who was formerly mild-mannered South Carolina Republican politician Andre Bauer until he wandered into a gay bathhouse, purely by accident mind you, was bitten by a radio-active homosexual and became the White Swallow, sidekick to the Amazing Fellatio-man. How's that?

  • sullivanst

    I think you need to tweak your pitch. Something like

    What if I was to tell you Fellatio-man could gobble down a 22" cock. Is that something you might be interested in?

  • HistoriCat

    Like anyone in South Carolina takes a bath!