they're still mad that willow's gay

U.S. Troops Won’t Answer To Liberal U.N. Secretary-General Nick Fury

CAPTAIN UNITED NATIONS MORE LIKESure, every single human shelled out good money this past weekend to watch their nerd fantasies come true and all of their favorite funnybook superheroes (at least all the ones owned by one specific media conglomerate, and not counting Spider-Man because he has his own movie coming out later this summer, we guess) come together to fight evil, together, as a team. And sure, pretty much everyone seemed to enjoy this exercise in superheroics, and even thought it was kind of well written, for once. But everyone experienced a nagging feeling that maybe the non-super-human-operated kill-machines weren’t the same physical kill-machines that our U.S. military uses, to protect us (by killing). And that’s because the U.S. military wisely kept their kill-machines out of this movie, because the Avengers are a one-world-government U.N. plot to undermine American sovereignty, for real.

Spencer Ackerman over at Wired has the whole important story about how, like most Hollywood epics, The Avengers was working with the U.S. military so that actual sweet-ass fighter jets and shit would appear on camera and bring “gritty realism” to the film AND convince people to join the Army. But the military ended the relationship before the film was completed, due to the plot’s “unreality.” That “unreality” involved not robot suits and rage-mutants and space monsters or whatever, but rather the hint that maybe S.H.I.E.L.D was coordinating with the U.S. Armed Forces to save all of humanity, not just the America part.

“We couldn’t reconcile the unreality of this international organization and our place in it,” Phil Strub, the Defense Department’s Hollywood liaison, tells Danger Room. “To whom did S.H.I.E.L.D. answer? Did we work for S.H.I.E.L.D.? We hit that roadblock and decided we couldn’t do anything” with the film.

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Right-wing nuts (and the Pentagon brass!) have been anxious for years to prevent any foreign commanders from giving orders to U.S. troops. Lots of foreign military units take orders from different-kind-of-foreign (or even American!) commanders in international peacekeeping efforts, of course, but this doesn’t apply to us, because, you know, exceptionalism. And now it doesn’t apply in magical comic book land either!

Anyway, the Avengers just drew all the warplanes with computers and it still made a gazillion dollars, so whatever. But just wait until the highly anticipated Battleship movie, based on the extremely boring board game, comes out later this summer! That one is totally Pentagon-approved and has a cameo from the Secretary of the Navy in it, so it’ll make a gazillion dollars times infinity. [Wired via Pareene]

(Awesome Captain America pic from MrPhilDog/Flickr)

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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206 comments

  1. sullivanst

    But just wait until the highly anticipated Battleship movie, based on the extremely boring board game, comes out later this summer! That one is totally Pentagon-approved and has a cameo from the Secretary of the Navy in it, so it’ll make a gazillion dollars times infinity.

    Yes, Presidential appointees requiring Senate confirmation make everything less boring.

    1. fuflans

      we saw a preview for battleship yesterday (previewing before avengers of course). i said to mr. fuflans that was the loudest most incomprehensible shoot-em up i've ever seen.

      i didn't know it was based on the game. makes perfect sense.;

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    When I was a kid, Nick Fury was white and just a sergeant with a few howling commandos.

      1. WunkRocker

        no flat top, no sale. also PC card played. AN NEGRO. We found a place for 1 in 'Merica's white Avengers.

      2. DocChaos

        Turns out Gabe Jones pulled a "Don Draper" and switched dog tags with a deceased Fury after Nick's shredded shirt lost it's bullet repelling abilities.

        Considering the prior live action Nick Fury was played by David Hasselhoff, you'd think folks would be careful about complaining about Sam Jackson.

  3. mrpuma2u

    Well c'mon Nick Fury in this movie is a blah. It's bad enough that we have a blah muslin preznint. A blah in charge of our high tech death machines? Not even if it pretend stops the world from ending, cuz what kinda world is that anyway?

    1. SorosBot

      A black man is in charge, and his top lieutenant is a woman. How we we have a black man and a woman commanding our military death machines?

    2. Chet Kincaid

      True story: When Marvel came up with the "Ultimate" line of comics that reinvent all of their major characters, they made Ultimate Nick Fury black. Shortly after they introduced him, one of the artists started drawing him as Sam Jackson. Sam found out about it, liked it, and gave them official permission to use his likeness. This was all long before Marvel Studios started making its own movies. So, it became self-fulfilling casting.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Yea, but with that clear glass plane wouldn't Wonder Woman see the snakes?

      1. GOPCrusher

        Anybody with a wallet that says Bad Motherfucker is, well, a bad motherfucker.

    3. Negropolis

      We also got blah Jedis. Everybody knows that the best Jedi's are green. I mean, what is the nation coming to?

    1. CZL

      Come to think of it, has Tony Stark used his massive corporate tax breaks to create a single job? And what's with letting Russian spies see all our best technology?

      At least Captain America is there.

      1. GhostBuggy

        What's more, he got out of the weapons biznezz. Think of all that waste! I'm not referring to the laid-off workers so much as all the Afghan weddings that went un-bombed.

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      That's different though, because Thor is white, so it's OK for him to be an illegal immigrant, just like it was OK for John Derbyshire to be an illegal immigrant and like it's OK for Michelle Malkin, Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio to be anchor babies.

      1. doloras

        You don't get any whiter than a Norse god, as your average neo-Nazi could tell you.

  4. nounverb911

    I'm still waiting for someone to make an action movie out of "Chutes and Ladders".

      1. Negropolis

        Given that it's boring-assed Solitaire, maybe you should be asking for Kirk Cameron.

      1. Estproph

        It was an evil older than time.

        It would stop at nothing to control All that fell within its' grasp.

        Its goal was to link up and control the most important leaders of Earth, and through them, the world.

        Nothing can stop it, if it can…CONNECT FOUR.

        From the director of Battleship – CONNECT FOUR. The fight to stop the connections begins now!

        Actually, I put this up on my facebook the other day, after seeing a preview for Battleship.

          1. sullivanst

            Don't tell me it ends in a tie due to them not playing with superko rules…

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Candyland, starring Johnny Depp as King Candy, Helena Bonham Carter as Queen Frostine, and a Alan Rickman as the evil Lord Licorice.

    2. Mumbletypeg

      Effin' "Haunted Mansion." That board game spooked me as badly as any creepy film I might've seen before age ten.
      * I can't find online any version of the *exact* game I remember in my mind. So any film, like the successors that have ensued to replicate the original board game's spookiness, would probably >> utter FAIL.

      1. MissTaken

        That was made for kids 5 and up. Can you imagine giving a 5 yo *that* today? I think that's grounds for child endangerment.

    3. WhatTheHolyHeck

      When the world seems about to teeter into oblivion…

      When any move could lead to disaster…

      There's only one person the world can turn to, one person who can eliminate the enemy and preserve the balance between life and death…

      This summer, meet JENGA MASTER

    1. Generation[redacted]

      And he doesn't even push for tax cuts for the rich. Or cutting welfare to increase the defense budget – that's the kind of unrealistic movie that DoD just can't cooperate with.

  5. johnnymeatworth

    So wait, you mean people infected with gamma rays don't REALLY turn green and gain twenty shirt sizes?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      But he never bursts out of his trousers, only his shirts. I guess a big giant green wang would probably have pushed them to an R rating.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        If you're exposed to a massive burst of gamma radiation, turn green, gain 20 shirt sizes and have an erection lasting more than four hours should you contact a physician?

    2. Swampgas_Man

      Intense radiation WILL give you superpowers, provided you define "Bleeding out your pores, while your bones wither and your organs liquefy" as a Superpower.

  6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    How come superheroes are always American? Does China have any superheroes we need to worry about? It seems maybe Chernobyl could have spawned a mutant or two. There were those guys that superman fought back in the eighties that seemed kind of russian, but they were aliens, right? What about Japan? There should be all kinds of radioactive critters running around biting people now. Great, now I have something new to worry about.

    1. sullivanst

      What about Japan? There should be all kinds of radioactive critters running around biting people now.

      ♪♫ Go go Godzilla ♪♫

    2. SorosBot

      China has The Radioactive Man, who was originally a Cold War-era villain before becoming a hero, and Japan has Sunfire and The Silver Samurai.

      1. GhostBuggy

        Also, Russia has the Crimson Dynamo, who has alternately been friends with/tried to kill Iron Man.

    3. mormos

      China has "the great ten" which includes such members as August General in Iron, Accomplished Perfect Physician, and Ghost Fox Killer. They are literally (they're comic book characters but you know what I mean) not allowed to do anything without permission from the Chinese government. That's DC though, not marvel.

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Sometimes when I am having a bad day I like to ask questions like that so that these guys can remind me that I'm not really as big of a nerd as I think I am.

      1. Baconzgood

        Is it just me but at the end of Top Gun did you notice some homo erotic undertones between Maverick and Iceman? I mean they WERE in the Navy.

          1. Baconzgood

            I made it a point to see every movie that Kenny Logins did the sound track to. That man is a GOD of shitty music!

        1. sullivanst

          I you suggesting that "you can be my wingman" is some kind of euphemism for playing catcher, or something?

          1. Generation[redacted]

            I have no gaydar to speak of, I just remember thinking, "This movie is so crappy, I don't understand why all the girls and a few guys love it so much?"

  7. memzilla

    Right-wing nuts (and the Pentagon brass!) have been anxious for years to prevent any foreign commanders from giving orders to U.S. troops.

    Actually, and unfortunately, foreign commanders have defacto been giving orders to US troops for the past couple of wars. Like, "get out."

  8. SorosBot

    They're just jealous that our military doesn't have a helicarrier like S.H.I.E.L.D.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Said a spokesman for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, "It would look bad to portray our military as working at the behest of a bunch of crazy men in silly costumes who do most of their work in secret. Oh, wait."

  10. spends2much

    Will the sound effects in Battleship be a bunch of 10 year olds making blow up sounds? That, my friends, would be authentic (well, to us over 40 types who may actually have played the original game).

      1. Baconzgood

        The problem is that it worked on the honor system. So none of Baconz friends ever beat him.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Battleship was the only really useful use of all that graph paper they would hand out in the beginning of the school year. But you had to do it quietly by passing tiny notes because some pasty faced druid was up at the front of the class talking about something called Geo Metery.

  11. Doktor StrangeZoom

    But just wait until the highly anticipated Battleship movie…

    I'm holding out for Hungry, Hungry Hippos II: Electric Boogaloo

    1. ElPinche

      Most wingtards have no idea what the word treason means. And Romney has no idea what dignity means. Slimey Mitt would sell his kids for the presidency.

  12. Billmatic

    Am I wrong or did Battleship take off the "Based on the Milton Bradley board game" after the poorly received super bowl commercial?

        1. ManchuCandidate

          Larry Olivier starred in a Moonie Production called Inchon for the million dollar paycheck… the worst war movie ever and that's saying a lot cause there have been plenty of shitty war movies.

          1. actor212

            I don't begrudge a guy making a movie for money, and Olivier was in constant peril of losing something or other or paying alimony.

            Ever since Natasha died, it's like Neeson has slowly spiraled down the bowl. He was fun in SW: TPM, and from then on….WHOOSH!

          1. Billmatic

            But: "You plague our people at every tuyrn*, and let it be known that whoever tries to strike us from this land shall be swiftly cut down!!!"

            *irish sic

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Spoiler alert: At the end of the movie it's revealed that it was all just a game played in the back seat of the family station wagon on a long road trip. Closing credits: Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

      1. Negropolis

        Which is when I take my half-empty large Pepsi and throw it at the screen.

        I'll never forgiive him for the twist in The Village. Never.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      I just saw a trailer that says "From Hasbro" and links it through the company to the Transformers franchise. Which just made me giggle, envisioning all the bad Battleship ads being re-enacted in the movie.

  13. weejee

    ♪♫ Mitt wants to be an Airborne Ranger
    Mitt wants to live a life of danger
    Every day!!!
    All the way!!! ♫♪

    NFW José, or whatever Willard is is Messican.

  14. BarackMyWorld

    I thought it was established in the first "Iron Man" movie that SHIELD was a U.S. outfit.

    Even Black Widow has an American accent and they say repeatedly she's from Russia

  15. WhatTheHeck

    Superman would never take orders from any foreigner, even if he was an alien anchor baby from another planet. Which he was.

  16. actor212

    I really wish they would come out with an accurate fantasy action movie: a bunch of idiots sitting in a dark theatre shouting "PEW! PEW PEW!" at the screen…

  17. ElPinche

    Watching the actors playing Battleship game sounds more interesting that the movie.

    1. GOPCrusher

      And he wasn't worth a shit as a baseball player either.
      Who blows an ACL arguing a umpire's call?

  18. SorosBot

    And with all he's done for the country, how has Steve Rogers not been given any promotions? He should be at least Colonel America by now. Hell, he's still just a Captain even though he's director of S.H.I.E.L.D., while Fury was a General in that position; but then both Iron Man and The Green Goblin were civilians when they were put in command of S.H.I.E.L.D.

      1. SorosBot

        Now hey you knew I was a nerd when you started dating me! And you're one too; a sexy nerd girl.

        1. MissTaken

          I don't know. You lost your nerd cred when you admitted you still haven't seen Firefly. And trust me, you would LOVE the extreme sexual tension between Inara and Saffron.

          1. GOPCrusher

            People actually watched Firefly? Must of been on at the same time as Doctor Who, because I've never seen it either.

          2. bagofmice

            Are you one of those people that watch cable, or even *shudder* broadcast?

            Internets. We haz them.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe they made him a Navy captain, which is an 0-6 with the same eagle collar device as your colonel.

    1. redarmyzombie

      Wait, what? a Whedon geek that hasn't seen Firefly?

      WHAT'S WITH YOU, MAN!?!?

  19. MissTaken

    Need some help here: are there shirtless werewolves in Avengers? Because I only watch movies with shirtless werewolves. Well, I'll settle for a bedazzled vampire, but nothing less!

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        I'm still waiting for pants-less Hulk. Imagine how terrifying it would be to see the Hulk coming at you completely naked and sporting a huge, erect and incredibly veiny erection. Do you think hearing the Hulk say "Hulk Smash!" is terrifying? Imagine how terrifying it would be to hear the Hulk say "Hulk Fuck!", and realizing that he's talking about you.

    1. Baconzgood

      You need more Bruce Campbell crushing zombies skulls with a mechanical hand in your cinema diet.

  20. Steverino247

    I refuse to pay money to watch movies based on comic books or children's games. If the grandchildren are watching such fare on DVD, I might stick around because they're fun to be with, but that's it.

      1. Steverino247

        Kids in my neighborhood can play in my yard all they want since the minefield was emplaced.

        Seriously, I don't care about being in my yard, mostly because it's still all torn up from the house remodel. Landscaping comes after you run out of money, you know…

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Since 93 when the US America Navy couldn't afford the 600 ship Navy that Raygun and John Lehman pushed for cause it helped add 2 trillion fucking US America funbucks in 1990 money to the national debt. Rather than face reality wingnuts blamed it all on Clinton.

      1. Hedley_Lamarr

        Well, there was that KABLOOM on the USS Iowa, which made the Navy realize that 50+ year old ships should probably be cut up. And, wait for it, they blamed that one on the gays as well.

      1. spends2much

        And the Captain has to shout "You sank my battleship!"
        Not a winning naval strategy…

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but try selling "Carrier" (again) or "Missile Frigate" or "Litorral Fighting Platform System." It just doesn't have the same panache, man.

    3. GOPCrusher

      Remember when the USS Iowa turned her 16 inch guns on to the beaches of Grenada before our brave Marines went to shore to save some privileged kids at a third rate medical school?
      Good times!

      1. Generation[redacted]

        I remember that same ship pounding Lebanon in response to mortar fire using an ancient fire control system with a 1 mile accuracy so they just kept firing until the mortars stopped and called it a victory.

  21. poorgradstudent

    Don't tell them about the time the Justice League of America became the Justice League International.

  22. hagajim

    How in the hell do you make a movie out of one of the most boring board games ever? Battleship my ass, more like battlecrap.

  23. RavenRant

    Letting our troops take orders from corporate criminals like Blackwater Xe Academi is still A-Okay, though.

  24. Negropolis

    so it’ll make a gazillion dollars times infinity.

    Well, this is mostly because it will feature pop-star Rihanna in the different stages of undress, I'm sure.

    Anyway, if the military took any issue with the movie, it should have been that it didn't feature enough Middle Eastern wedding strikes by unmanned drones.

  25. Dildeaux

    AGENDA 21 SHEEPLE!!1!

    Bike paths are sochulist commie attempts for the UN to enact the New World Odor. Wake up Murika!

  26. ttommyunger

    My favorite Superhero is the Indian in "Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law", who was able to get it up again by the end of the episode. Inspiring!

  27. redarmyzombie

    Seriously? They went with Battleship over the Avengers, just because they couldn't rule the world?

    Ohhhh, this makes me saaaaaad…

  28. Wile E. Quixote

    Lindsey Graham was a mild-mannered Republican senator from South Carolina until he wandered into a gay bathhouse, purely by mistake mind you, was bitten by a radio-active homosexual and became the Amazing Fellatio-man. Fellatio-man, who can suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch through 50 feet of garden house. Fellatio-man, whose super neck and jaw muscles never get tired. Fellatio-man, who has never met a knob he couldn't gobble. Fellatio-man, who only grows mightier when he consumes an entire dumpster full of cum. Fellatio-man, who believes that with great fellatio-power comes great responsibility to swallow ever last drop.

    From his headquarters on the Appalachian trail Fellatio-man takes a wide stance and looks out over the state of South Carolina.

    Is that the kind of thing you're looking for?

  29. Wile E. Quixote

    Only a bit over the top? Damnit! I was going for fabulously over the top. Perhaps I need to introduce Fellatio-man's sidekick, the White Swallow, who was formerly mild-mannered South Carolina Republican politician Andre Bauer until he wandered into a gay bathhouse, purely by accident mind you, was bitten by a radio-active homosexual and became the White Swallow, sidekick to the Amazing Fellatio-man. How's that?

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