bela lugosi's deadLike it says dudes. His Lord High Hairgel Mittens Of Romney will put on his holy gown and tassel and get down and boogie with the common rubes of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty “University” for a commencement speech where he will undoubtedly say awesome shit like “some of my best friends own universities” and then tell all the chicks that it is cute that they went to college, did they get their MRS haha just kidding (no he’s not)?

Here is a perfect place to put in the latest weird thing Ol’ Diarrhea Mouth said, because he cannot stop weird diarrhea shit from flowing from his lips whenever they are open, just like you know he is going to do to the wingnuts at Liberty “University”: So he went to a thing in Pittsburgh and insulted the food they served him. “I’m not sure about these cookies,” he said. “They don’t look like you made them. [crosstalk] No, no. They look like they came from the local 7-11 bakery or wherever.” Haha? Good joke?


Anyway, now he will have disgusting old motherlover Jerry Falwell farting his approval all over him, so now all the evangis will only half stay home on election day (because he is a cultist). [LibertyUniversity]

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  • nounverb911

    Will Mitt flip or flop in his speech?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    This is where Mitt will apologize for being a Mormon, right?

    • comrad_darkness

      Mitt: "So, the Angel Moroni was telling me a story the other day . . . no, really, that's what his name is. It's like a secret message all its own…"

  • nounverb911

    "Pander, pander, baptize, pander. Repeat."
    –Mitt Romney

    • freakishlywrong

      And…"hatelaugh, insult the president, hatelaugh"

  • metamarcisf

    The death of Dick Clark really puts a damper on Romney's VP search.

    • flamingpdog

      Looks like Mittens will just have to continue being Dickless.

      • Man0nTheStreet

        Dick Cheney's still available – and now that Dick Clark is dead, that leaves Cheney as "The World's Oldest Teenager"! So grab that youth-vote, Mitt!

        • Tundra Grifter

          All Mittens has to do it put Cheney in charge of the VP Search Committe and then he'll find himself.


          • Man0nTheStreet

            A man with a new heart just may need to find himself – again…

    • bagofmice

      Now I am stuck thinking of a girltalk style mash up album titled "Dick Clark is dead", in honor of the "James Brown is dead" single.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I guess Santorum wasn't available.

    • Evangelicals don't care much for baby-eating-papists either

    • trondant

      I hear he's hard to get a hold of.

  • freakishlywrong

    Oh for fuck's sake.

    • Nostrildamus

      You know who else said "Oh for fuck's sake"?

      • Generation[redacted]

        All of us, Katie?

        • Nostrildamus

          WONKETT LIBEL!

    • bagofmice

      Do I drink said fuck's sake? Is it a nigori?

  • OzoneTom

    I need to start going to the 7-11 where Mitt goes. Mine doesn't have a bakery.

    • I've peeked in the stockroom of my local 7-11, and usually there's flour all over the place in these neatly bundled and taped packages. Some of them are even being duct-taped to what I presume is the baker.

    • flamingpdog

      He was thinking of all the baked customers grabbing bags of Chips Ahoy of the shelf at 7-11.

    • No kidding. My 7-11 doesn't have a bakery either. Jeez, everything is better in Rich People Land.

      I'll bet the 7-11s in Rich People Land have bathrooms available to non-employees. And there's probably a guy in there with white gloves who watches you pee and then gives you a towel afterwards.

      I'll bet the microwave burritos are hand-made by real Mexicans while you wait.

  • He should strip to his magic underwear during the speech and give the fundys a real thrill.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Didn't One-L Michele attend Liberty University?

    • nounverb911

      As well as Governor Vaginal Probe McDonnell.

      • freakishlywrong

        That screams volumes.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        I thought he was a Regrunt U with Pat McGroin Robertson, like there is any difference between pond scum and bathtub scum.

        • nounverb911

          Aren't they interchangeable?

        • Generation[redacted]

          Only one offers a class on how to cripple yourself on a leg press.

    • Guppy

      It's where she learned how to collect all those gubmint checks.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      Dr. Bachmann did get her PhD in Applied Logic at Liberty. Why do you ask?

  • Barb

    "Wow, lots of fresh young faces out there. I bet I fired some of your dads."

    • freakishlywrong

      "I like firing Dads".

      • OneYieldRegular

        "I refuse to apologize for my success in firing dads."

        • freakishlywrong

          "97% of Dads were laid off under Barack Obama".

          • Generation[redacted]

            "I believe being a fired dad IS work."

  • I see a real synergy, where a fake candidate gives a fake address to fake students at a fake university.

    • widestanceromance

      Our fake is under attack!

      • Quick! Lob some of our supply of false! That ought to confuse them!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    "Heh, why do they call it 'Liberty' when it teaches the most repressive idealogy? Heh, heh."


    "Wait, what?"

  • ChernobylSoup

    Imagine spending 5 or 6 years of your life getting an unaccredited bachelors degree in Hating Mormons and other Christian Duties, only to have a Mormon give the commencement speech.

    • Could be worse: there's a doctoral program in Mormon Hating.

      Indeed, Pastor Robert Jeffress has funded a chair….

    • RedneckMuslin

      Kismet is muslin, ain't it?

    • Gleem McShineys

      And to top it off, be driven to the voting booth in K-Lo's fiat, to vote for him.

  • Eve8Apples

    Sweet Baby Jeebus lyin' in a manger, please let those cookies be Girl Scout Cookies. If Mittens were to insult Girl Scout Cookies, we could start planning our victory party now.

    • BornInATrailer

      Perhaps you haven't noticed but attacking the Girl Scouts has gotten to be GOP red meat stump speech material.

  • bumfug

    "You think these cookies suck, you oughta see the shit those lesbo Girl Scouts sold me!"

  • Harry_S_Truman

    This makes McCain's speech there only slightly less absurd.

  • Maybe Mitt will bring an army and re-enact the Mountain Meadow massacre. (Uh, too soon?)

    • They were still grumpy about the Chicagoans riling-up the Carthaginians so those hicks would lynch shoot Nauvoo's beloved polygamist Joe Smith.

  • Rebecca, I would love, love, LOVE to see the fundies in their undies "get down & boogie." This is not gonna happen in my lifetime though, unless I somehow get raptured on the wrong side of the firmament.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That should be a great opportunity for Mitt and the Liberty folks to reminisce — you know, about when they started recognizing black people as not being cursed with the mark of Cain, about when they first allowed interracial dating, about when they allowed their members to be openly gay — oh, wait that last one hasn't happened yet.

    • This will fix it with the Blacks AND the Southern Baptists!!

      • SayItWithWookies

        Pandering — it's not just for disingenuous politicians anymore.

    • comrad_darkness

      Wait, Obama was cursed with the Mark of McCain?

      Or, um, half cursed?

      Actually I thought it was McCain that got cursed by the Mark of Palin.

      I'm so confused…

  • Callyson

    Oh no he didn't just insult my hometown:

    As it turns out, the treats were from Bethel Bakery, a longtime South Hills staple known for its signature pastries, cookies and cakes.

    "When I heard it, I thought, 'Oh, my goodness. This guy has no idea how beloved this institution is that provided these cookies,'" said bakery owner and president John Walsh. "We wanted him to be welcomed with the best in the burgh, and he had no idea."

    He has no idea indeed. Another swing state for Obama!

    • Giving Mittens those cookies was like casting pearls before swine.

    • OneYieldRegular

      "I want to thank ya'll for inviting me down to the great state of Texas, but I gotta say this barbeque, ha ha, it's not filet mignon, that's for sure – this isn't pig, is it? Ha. But what about this sauce, hunh? It's kinda like that sauce I've seen one of our drivers squeezing out of those little plastic packets he gets at the fast food places, like, you can't afford a bottle of the gourmet stuff, come on, man. But seriously, I love Texas, my dad once visited Texas."

  • elviouslyqueer

    Words of advice, Mitt:

    USE: War on Religion, Liberty, America as Christian Nation, Jesus Christ HOORAH, Personal Salvation, Biblical Inerrancy, Gays/Blahs/Spics/Chinks::Going Straight to Hell, Ronald Reagan, Eviscerating Welfare

    AVOID: Magic Underoos, Personal "Success," Same-Sex Anything, George W. Bush, Eviscerating Welfare for Churches.

    Also, remember that you're back in the South, so it's probably best not to mention grits again. Or ever, for that matter.

    Enjoy your stay!

    • freakishlywrong

      What's the over/under on the use of "y'all"?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Kiss. of. Death.

        • Man0nTheStreet

          NO – don't listen to this "Elvious" person, Gov Romney! Your millions of voters in the South love to hear you say "y'all" and to talk about grits, outsourcing and other subjects dear to them! Say it and WIN!!!

          • elviouslyqueer

            NASCAR too. We eat that shit up with a spoon.

    • ThundercatHo

      You don't think they would enjoy some jokes about sexual relations with one's close relatives, lack of dental care or having "a nigger in the woodpile"? I also think he should go with a camo tie and trucker hat so he fits in better.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Better yet, a t-shirt emblazoned thusly.

        HAHA, I kid. Like Mitt would be caught dead sporting a t-shirt, unless it was a Burberry undershirt.

      • Man0nTheStreet

        That's the job of Mitt's running-mate Ted Nugent…

  • Barb

    I bet they will change the music from "Pomp and Circumstance" to "Pompous and Circumcised" in Mitts honor.

  • UnholyMoses

    Well, since 7-11s are run by Those People, I bet the cookies were Halal.

  • "In closing, graduates, I look forward to watching your life's ascent, just like Cadillacs in garage elevators. And remember, Oldenburg mares really are the best horses for dressage competitions. Buy several! Those are pretty cheap looking gowns, by the way. Where'd you get those, at Dollar General?"

  • Exhausted66

    Re: banner pic. "This is water. This is water."

  • freakishlywrong

    Such an entitled asshole. The nice little town is proud of it's bakery and puts cookies out for him, and Thurston insults them. Fucker.

    • new_pic_for_NEWTer

      You did not just compare Willard to our beloved Thurston Howell the Third, because if you did, Lovey, Ginger and the other castaways will get medieval on your ass.

      • OzoneTom

        "the other castaways" meaning "and the rest"?

  • Generation[redacted]

    "And as you go out into the world, I offer you this advice. It is better to close a factory and transfer all liquid assets into the hands of shareholders, than to stay and make an honest attempt at rebuilding a viable business. A bird in hand, as it were. So yes, flip the business now, and flip those factory workers the bird."

  • Callyson

    Fun fact: according to Wikipedia, Liberty University's motto is "Knowledge Aflame." The jokes write themselves…

    Come on baby, light my fire
    We're flaming over here
    Burn, baby, burn…

    • I think Mittens is scheduled to participate in their traditional Bonfire of Books after the ceremony.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Isn't the motto "Knowledge Aphlegm"?

    • Generation[redacted]

      The Library of Alexandria had a similar motto, as I recall.

    • flamingpdog

      "Knowledge Aflaming Assholes"


    • bagofmice

      It's the cameo appearance of the holy spirit in the "new" testament.

  • Wonderthing

    Well, since Rubio has said he won't accept the VP tap, I guess Romney's just saying, "Fuck it, I'll go for the redneck racist religious vote. Hey, Obama's black and he wants your white daughters. Vote for a white man. That's me!"

  • el_donaldo

    Hasn't Mittens heard that Obama's declared war on religion? He'll probably surround the commencement and send them all to Gitmo. After the nuns take down and secure all the Catholic bishops.

  • Ducksworthy

    Better to elect a high holy priest of the Lapdogs of Satan than a Negro. So sayeth the Lord.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      The Book of Wallace, 19:63

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Is that a coffin or a waterslide? I mean, when I go, either is fine.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Bummer, I thought that was Falwell in a casket until you made me look closer and to my disappointment…

    • Generation[redacted]

      It's a fun modern take on the traditional paupers' grave.

  • Liberty University doesn't need your fancy "accreditation". They have Jesus.

  • The cookie gaffe is like the rain poncho blunder from earlier. Full of pedantic and callous attitude toward settings and features outside his elevated echelon, yet seemingly careless i.e. easily avoided for someone this 'educated.' How does this man continue to blurt out whatever he is thinking and no one — neither wifey nor handlers nor the pressure of being the front-runner for one's national party's Prez nominee — can persuade him to think before he speaks, using his own previous gaffes as examples?

    • Generation[redacted]

      No shit. When you're running for President, how hard is it to say, "Wow, these cookies are delicious" every time you're handed a cookie?

      It's like declining to kiss some babies if they're not cute enough.

      Or maybe that's the new conservative credo. Mitt's not afraid to tell you your ponchos suck and your cookies taste like crap. Stay at home moms: are you poor? Then fuck you, get a real job. That's the kind of brutal honesty the American economy needs right now.

    • Veritas78

      He says it because no has ever said No to him, or ever told him he was full of shit. This should be a dandy campaign.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The rapture really can't come soon enough.

    • Ducksworthy

      From what I can tell, it is designed to remove from our midst most of the insanity that plagues us.I would also like to ask that it be extended to Muslin and Joobish extremists as well as Republicans.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    When I was tike, we had a family down the street. They all had Evangis. Mom said "You stay away from them Lil Jus!" They looked normal enough, but Mom knew best.

  • Ducksworthy

    Just don't try to give him any suspicious cookies.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Nice use of "quotes" there, Editrix, relating to the spurious claim of Liberty "University". Last time there was an apt indictment of Christian university merits, Jon Stewart delivered the godsmackdown.

  • timbo71351

    Boy, he's really pandering to the snakehandlers. Why do politicians feel the need to go to these oddball colleges like Bob Jones University or Liberty full of students who are waaaay out the mainstream? For God's sake, do something halfway normal and speak to some Young Republicans at a big state school.

  • Nostrildamus

    Mitt, get ready for a real Liberty U welcome! (wetsuit, snorkel, dildo, …)

  • AddHomonym

    If yinz don't like the cookies innat, yinz can just git aht.

  • EtchySketchy

    Romney's campaign pre-approved some applause lines:

    I like being able to excommunicate people.

    Jerry Falwell used to love riding on the roof of my car!

    Vengeful Deities are people too, you know!

    *jumps* Did the Holy Spirit just grab my ass?

    Who let the wing-nuts out! Ooh! Ooh!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Did the Holy Spirit just grab my ass?

      Am stealing that one.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    As the (sadly) late Ann Richards said of another mentally-challenged Republican, "Poor George. He can't help it – he was born with a silver foot in his mouth." Mitt has just doubled down on that image and easily inserts both silver feet in his pie (or cookie) hole. Mrs. Dudley just commented that she's surprised Open-Mouth Mitt didn't say that "My wife makes better cookies than this because she's a stay-at-home cookie-baking mom." Dumb fuck Mitt…

    • BlueStateLibel

      He snips and snipes too much at "the little people" for it to be mistakes. The guy in his heart despises the "lower classes," and for him, anyone not making mid-six figures is "lower class."

    • Man0nTheStreet

      I met Gov. Richards in 2000. I asked her "Gov., what went wrong?" She sighed and said "Honey, those Bush people are a bunch of dirty bastards…"

  • Harvard should revoke both of Mitt's degrees just for setting foot on the Liberty campus.

  • prommie

    Remember in the back of the Richie Rich comic books, in the 1960s, there were ads for x-ray specs, and for "your own submarine?" And there was this picture of this miniature submarine, that you could get for $1.95 or something like that, and it had a persicope and fired torpedos, and it looked like it would work in the lake? But if you sent away for one, what you got was a cardboard box, sorta kinda in the shape of a submarine, with printed markings to try to make it look vaguely submariney? Thats Liberty University, and Regent, they're the cardboard submarines of education.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "Thank you, thank you, students, faculty, staff, for that warm greeting. It's always a pleasure to be here among the Jews."

  • I'm waiting for Pittsburgh Dad's response on the cookies.

  • wvfii

    that's ~so wEiRd!~

    pretty sure i spent the 80s-90s having "Mormons are not *real* Christians, and therefore are going to spend eternity in damnation" drilled into my head by my southern baptist church. and now the nation's premier evangelical "university" is just going to roll out the red carpet for a heretic?? the times they are a-changin'!

  • if you want to learn about animals, Liberty University is a bad place to go.

  • ttommyunger

    Reminds me; about time for my monthly pilgrimage to piss on Falwell's grave. Last time it was no dice, the line is still way too long.

  • BlueStateLibel

    No snark, but can this guy manage even a couple of days of not insulting someone or bragging about his Rmoney? I'm looking forward to the karma ego-shattering that awaits him in November.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      I'm hoping it kicks off like this:
      Former MA Gov. Willard "MittBott" Romney, was imprisoned following a "loooong-delayed" meltdown during his November 2012 Election-night Concession Speech when he savagely assaulted his running-mate, fmr House Speaker Newt Gingrich on live tv while both were on the podium.

      At his trial, Mr. Romney pleaded "No Contest", then turned and publicly asked his wife Anne for a divorce, then finally announced to the court and assembled media "Today is the happiest day of my whole fuckin' LIFE!"

  • Oh I get it! Because 7-11 isn't really a bakery, right? HA!

  • iburl

    Alt Text options:
    Poop Chute
    Goin' to Hell
    Christian Swimsuit

  • comrad_darkness

    I don't want for a president a man who can't even try a damn cookie before judging it.

    Aside from a nut allergy or something. That is.

  • Man0nTheStreet

    Hopefully Mittbott will be generous enough to offer free Mormon-Baptisms-for-the-Dead to all Liberty students deceased kinfolk…

  • Gleem McShineys

    To be fair, robots don't actually need to eat. So he doesn't really understand the purpose of cookies. Considering how this could have caused him a blue-screen lockup, he actually did very well!

    • James Michael Curley

      With Windoze8 due out, when will they install Windoze7 on the Mittbot. At least with Windoze7 it had to be a really great fuckup to produce a blue screen.

      • Gleem McShineys

        He runs on CP/M. (Crass Pandering/Misogyny)

  • owhatever

    Hi. My name is Mitt Romney, and the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Let's go from there.

    • DahBoner

      Our founding father was a teenager who saw angels in the woods in Upstate New York.

      Any questions, so far?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Has Jerry Falwell been Mormo-baptised yet?

  • Puffperney

    The Liberty folks are just looking to Mitt for job placement. Bush hired a raft of these Liberty lawyers for the DOJ and etc.. Those jobs have dried up under Obama since actual degrees from recognized schools are required.

  • Schmegeg

    He should definitely pitch membership in the LDS during this appearance.

  • DahBoner

    What a wonderful way to celebrate Hitler's birthday, Mr. President Magic Roos…

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