clear simple and wrong

‘National Review’ Discovers Condoms In NYC, Solves Contraception

Drill but don't fill.What an adventure did a random National Review Editorial Associate get himself into! Gather ’round, ye hobos, and hear his tale of daring… subterfuge… and rubber procurement! (Drop acid now.) It all began when a dazed but persistent carrier pigeon alighted upon the curlicued fountain pen of our Editorial Associate, to finally vomit forth the message it had accidentally swallowed in 1971, during the John V. Lindsay administration, if you young bloods can remember that far back in New York City history. Upon unfolding the still damp note, the Associate was immediately and providentially hepped to the existence of an important and scary thing that had, quick reminder, BEEN OPERATIONAL FOR 40 YEARS ALREADY: a free condom campaign deviously underwritten by the City of New York’s sexed-up bureaucrats. Swift corrective action was clearly needed, STAT!

You see, the news of late had been overflowing with one lusty lady succubus after another complaining, in a manner most unbecoming, of the Expense of Oral Contraception. And so, armed only with the bird’s vomitus, an orange plastic jack-o’-lantern, his own manful sense of indignation, and intentions as lucid as his logic, our intrepid Editorial Associate thought to set these querulous dames straight, by demonstrating the ease with which even a peevish layabout could traipse about a supermetropolis and gather a completely different Form of Contraception! Is it all making sense now? It shouldn’t!

Were one to have listened uncritically to the more hysterical elements in America’s news media over the past month, one would have concluded that contraception is intractably hard to come by in the United States; but a cursory glance at the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene’s well-appointed website gives quite the opposite impression. There, contrarily, visitors are informed that anyone in need of contraception is somewhat spoiled for choice.

If the website’s extensive online search facility does not meet with their approval, habitués can instead call 311 and ask for advice directly. And the more tech savvy — or, perhaps, desperately mobile — can download the free “NYC Condom” app to their Windows, iPhone, BlackBerry, or Android smartphones and have its GPS service direct them to the nearest provider of free contraception with devastating accuracy.

(Your Wonkette can only hope that you, dear reader, never suffer such municipal efficiency!)

Anyway, et cetera, et cetera, our NR Editorial Associate mintzed all over Gotham, easily filling his jack-o’-lantern to “bulging” with publicly-funded latex dick sheaths but failing to raise any of the eyebrows he had so very much hoped to raise. Conclusion:

Considering these five locations, the 304 others in Manhattan, and the considerable other — private and charitable — alternatives, condoms seem to be pretty much covered.

Truth be told, the 1970s found our Associate’s groundbreaking research on Condom Dispensaries a bit dated. But pray tell, what had he learned of the Non-Barrier Devices of Contraception, about which the lady succubi of his own 2012 were actually concerned? You know, the sort with the Non-Terrifying Typical-Use Failure Rate?

[Sexual?] Congress can rest easy; given the heavy involvement of bars and nightclubs, there are very few hours in the day during which one cannot acquire free contraception in New York City, and organizations such as Planned Parenthood and the Children’s Aid Society ensure that more permanent forms are covered, too. Meanwhile, those who are employed and whose insurance plans do not cover contraceptives can walk into a CVS and pay out of their own pockets.

The End! And what an elegant moral our Associate’s tale has: that three organizations in one city in America, or even simply one’s own (employment-fattened) pocket can just magically make contraceptives (of all sorts!) appear. Could it all really be so elementary? Come on, guess! Okay, now to reveal the answer, rip off every letter except for “N” and “O” on your keyboard, then read across, left to right…. Did you get it? [National Review]

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  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'm surprised that NR used the word Condom. I figured they would use an alternative like "things", "adult balloons", "man hat" or "the rubber thing Uncle Jack used to wear."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Banana jacket

    • Z Crudmonger

      No I'm never gonna do it without the fez on.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Pardon me for highjacking the responses but the interwebs are reporting that Andrew Breitbart died last night.

    I'm sorry to say it but hate kills.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Riley doesn't need to hide anymore.

    • Mojopo

      I can't believe we're the same age. He looked 20 years older.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        BEHAVE! BEHAVE! BEHAVE!

    • memzilla

      Died of his own bile.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Might have bitten himself by accident.

    • coolhandnuke

      "Natural causes."
      I suppose a case of Natural Ice and two boxes of organic wine would qualify.

      • comrad_darkness

        I was thinking autoerotic asphyxiation, myself.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          Happened outside his house. Surely even NotSoBrightBart wouldn't have tried that in front of the NEIGHBOURS, would he?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Too tame. Twitter's first response was, "I had no idea hookers and blow constituted natural causes."

    • MrFizzy

      Good – fuck that bastard.

    • FakaktaSouth

      I am shocked. Like, Whitney Houston shocked. FORTY THREE???? WHAT IN THE UNHOLY HELL? THERE IS NO WAY.

      • Limeylizzie
        • sharethegrief

          Like everything else in his life, he's taken sleeping well to the extreme.

        • SorosBot

          Oh look at the comments – the liberals had him murdered!

          • Mojopo

            I just peeked. Yes, that's correct. Our awesomeness is lethal. Not his drunken anger.

          • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

            And this is how St.Brietbart was born…

          • iburl

            My only question is who else did Breitbart tell about Obama's Underground Kenyan Illuminati Madrassas before he died.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Early this morning they were frothing about it. How I longed to come here and hear you then. I satisfied myself by tweeting his words at Kennedy's death instead. He called Kennedy a prick and scum and said he was not obliged to speak well of the dead man because he had ruined lives and knew it.

            Of course, NotSoBrightBart never ruined anyone's life.

      • chicken_thief

        Dittos. "Natural causes" and "43 yrs old" do not belong in the same sentence.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Maybe in the 13th century.

          • Naked_Bunny

            So Breitbart was at least ideologically consistent.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          They do if you're talking about that carrier pigeon from 1971.

        • MissTaken

          Cocaine and alcohol and natural substances, after all.

          • Barb

            God, I love you Misstaken!

          • SorosBot

            It can be sad when promising young actors or musicians cut their life short for substance abuse – so it's nice for once to have an OD be a happy occasion!

        • Grief_Lessons

          My uncle was eaten by a wolf at 43. You can't get more natural than that.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            REALLY? OMG.

        • BerkeleyBear

          There are plenty of situations where they do – cancer, genetic disorders, sleep apnea, etc. But I'm guessing this is a euphemism for fucker's heart and liver gave out simultaneously from alcohol fueled rage, but we can't go into specific causes while the hagiography is being formed.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Sounds like a heart attack, actually, and given that he was a disgusting fat little fuck with a serious anger problem, it's easy to see why.

      • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

        I'm also shocked. I would've gotten drunk with him. Then we could have pummeled each other to death, but at least it would have been a good time.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      It's terrifying to think of dying and not a single tear being shed. A very strange person, and no surprise his life was cut short. He didn't seem to act like life was much worth protecting in the first place.

      • iburl

        …and it was all the liberals' fault.

    • johnedens

      I was raised to only say good things when someone dies.

      Andrew Breitbart is dead. Good thing.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Bette Davis did it better.

    • SorosBot

      Normally I'd say it was wrong to celebrate someone's death; but a vile slandering racist motherfucker like him deserves an exception.

      • Barb

        Soros, I just went to check the story out on Huffington Post and the posters are praising him to the heavens.

        • SorosBot

          For whatever reason (maybe their affiliation with AOL?) the Huffington comments are filled with right-wingers, along with the hyper-earnest, never-offend-anyone form of liberals who give the rest of us a bad name.

        • Mojopo

          I can hardly bear reading the comments there anymore. The paid commenters, plus the AOL tards, have turned HP into the Internet equivalent of an Olive Garden or TGIFridays. It's for tourists – the place one goes to when they can't patronize a nice restaurant, but they don't want to go to the Waffle House.

          • BerkeleyBear

            I was trying to sum up my feelings for Olive Garden recently (my in-laws were in town and suggested we go there – shudder). Thank you for that – and thank God I live in an area where that is no longer an upgrade.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          Someone suggests that the moderators have been told to screen for negative comments. After all, Arianna and Andrew started HuffPoo together.

    • Not_So_Much

      Well, I can't be a dick about somebody with a family dying. But I'm not in mourning.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Wait, he had a family? I think that that might be the more tragic part.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Well, I can. I feel sorry for his poor kids, but if he'd ever thought about them, he would have done something about that huge lardbucket he was carrying around right next to his heart. It's OK to be fat if the fat is well-distributed and you're healthy. But he wasn't healthy. He was a pig and he looked like it. He didn't care about his own kids enough to exercise and stay healthy for them, plus he was a total fucking AngerBear. Big surprise, he dropped dead. Miracle is it didn't happen during one of his tirades.

        Tell me you never looked at him and thought "Heart attack waiting to happen."

        • Not_So_Much

          No, no — especially the last year or so when he would completely lose his shit in every. single. conversation. Like I wrote, I don't mourn him at all. I think he did a great disservice to the quaint notion of civility. But, widow with four kids? It's not in me to pile on. I know he shat all over Kennedy — but I hope to never be like him in any way.

    • CapeClod

      Wow. Did a black helicopter fall on him, or was he worked to death in a FEMA camp?

    • MissTaken

      Finally, for once, the bad died young.

      • Barb

        Now that he is dead can we go back to raping people?

        • not that Dewey

          Just not too much…

        • MissTaken

          I didn't realize we stopped, my bad!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          Must we? I'm TIred.

    • anniegetyerfun

      This is Obama's fault, somehow.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Meh, they got plenty more just like him.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Starting with James O'Keefe.

    • Barrelhse

      Godspeed, little happy warrior.

      ROTFLMAO

    • Chichikovovich

      He never should have accepted that wafer-thin mint.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Nah nah nah nah!
      Nah nah nah nah!
      Hey! Hey! Hey!
      Goooooooooooooooooodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "natural causes"
      If somebody beat him to death, it would be natural.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        The fact that nobody tried to never fails to surprise me.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

      So, as much I loathe the abundance of reverence for the undeserving deceased, I'm not really the sort to actively celebrate someone's death. I didn't when Bin Ladin died, and Breitbart isn't even worth that much of an emotional response, in my book.

      That being said, Breitbart was awful, and pretty much an overt fascist and race-baiter, (unless we go with the more parsimonious explanation that he was simply a racist), and frequently publicly fantasized about murdering liberals, for which he was largely given a pass by the media. He was a terrible person, and the world is marginally better for his passing, even if I'm unwilling to celebrate his death, as such.

      Note, also, that none of the things I said about him were nearly as nasty as his own vile comments incident to Ted Kennedy's passing. Because I'm not a shitty human being, you see.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        So, in the future, you will try harder?

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

          Nope! I'd prefer it if the most damning epitath someone can come up with isn't simply my own words quoted back at me.

          I'd much rather make the haters work for it. Or, y'know, simply go with not having any haters. Let's call that "Plan B".

    • Jerri

      Called home to Satan's warm bosom.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Biely? Is that you?

        • Jerri

          I don't…know?

          I'm sure you're long gone by now, but add me to the chorus of Wonketeers hoping your time away from here is brief and you come back better than ever.

    • widestanceromance

      And now he's BigDead.

      Do you think he was screaming and sweaty when the left-leaning Natural Causes came for him?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        The Rude Pundit has already written a wonderful post on the topic.

        • widestanceromance

          FROTHY! I knew you couldn't stay away too long. Hope all is well in your offline world. Welcome home!

    • Z Crudmonger

      Well, I began with a Dan quote, one more for the Bastard:

      No marigolds in the promised land
      There's a hole in the ground
      Where they used to grow
      Any man left on the Rio Grande
      Is the king of the world
      As far as I know

    • LagunaB

      Just to let you all know, Andrew Breitbart is now a dead gay mormon.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Meh, he added a letter. And died.

  • memzilla

    To a Rethuglican, "Oral Contraception" means "Blow Job."

    • Biff

      That was where Anita Bryant drew the line with the gheys–she didn't realize people might be swallowing the "seed", apparently an abomination to her sky daddy.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      From a boy, just to be safe.

  • HempDogbane

    When one fucks a Republican, one should use two condoms.

    • chicken_thief

      Chainsaws should wear condoms, too?

    • Barrelhse

      One over their head?

  • Beetagger

    In other news, Andrew Breitbart chokes to death on a condom. Film at 11.

    • LagunaB

      Oops, put my response re: Andrew Breitbart as dead gay mormon in wrong spot.
      Rest in mormon heaven gay Andrew.

  • Indiepalin

    Did Breitbart die of a drug overdose?

  • skoalrebel

    I love to drill. But you gotta be careful spit An excess of drilling and swilling is what killed Andrew Breitbart.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They should just pull out.

  • MrFizzy

    I think I just made a mess in my pants. In the back unfortunately, but a mess nonetheless.

  • freakishlywrong

    So, we delicate females must hope and pray the plentiful rubbers don't break, and that you can actually get a guy to wear one.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Argh. As if it was New York City that had the problem, and not a fistful of Rethuglican-infested backwater states.

  • HempDogbane

    .

    • freakishlywrong

      Gerbils, coke and anal sex with Dana Loeshe to follow.

      • HempDogbane

        After posting the first line of the statement at FoxNation blog, I changed my mind. Now having changed it again, here it is:
        "With a terrible feeling of pain and loss we announce the passing of Andrew Breitbart." BigDump.org

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          It means FOX News will have to recruit a new smearmeister.

  • mavenmaven

    The sad thing is that these republicans can't see beyond their own little pricks, so clearly contraception is limited to condoms.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    NR editors finally discovered the proper use of condoms. They had been using them as hats all along…

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    I just read the news about Andy Brightfart's untimely demise over at the Huffington cut 'n' Paste, and came over here forthwith because I didn't want to read all the comments saying we shouldn't hate on the guy now that he's dead and I wanted to be with my kindred spirits, pissing on the corpse (metaphorically).
    I am not disappointed.

  • Beowoof

    Next he will stumble upon this startling revelation, people like to fuck, but may not want kids or disease from doing it.

  • http://www.proofnpudding.com muthalovin

    I think my acid wore off.

  • mavenmaven

    OMG, went to Huff Post and saw that Breitbart is dead and Snooki is pregnant. The right wing conspiratory buffs will certainly find a link between the two items and a way to blame Obama.

    • Biff

      I thought it was a joke, but apparently not. Natural causes? Well, I suppose booze is natural.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        So's cocaine.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Breitbart dead, Snooki pregnant… circle of life.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It should be up to the victim to get the rapist to use the condom.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And pay for it — at least in Alaska.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Slutty prostitutes are slutty, the end.

    • bikerlaureate

      I'm rubber, you're glue.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I'm finding Editorial Associate Cooke's dry, self-abasing attempt at flippant pedantics very difficult to masturbate to.

  • chicken_thief

    That's just fucking great.

  • CivicHoliday

    I adore that he cites planned parenthood as a easy accessible option for access to contraceptives. I would be a million dollars his next piece will be the importance of cutting funding to planned parenthood. Cognitive dissonance in 3…2..1…

  • SorosBot

    Let them eat condoms!

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    They're saying he died of natural causes at 43. With Breitbart, the oxymorons do not stop even in death.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Natural causes, in this case, means two rentboys, a pound of crack, a suspiciously brown gerbil, and the blood of virginal Boy Scouts.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Are you suggesting that double-layer neoprene wetsuit dildo asphyxiation is somehow unnatural?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        They don't make wetsuits that big.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      But the oxycontins do.

  • Steverino247

    So much for "only the good die young."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Define "young". Perhaps he was old for his age.

  • Goonemeritus

    I suspect being a churlish writer for the National Review is a very effective form of birth control in its own right.

  • SpeedoFart

    Why the fuck does he care about NYC? I mean, it's just an irredeemable hive of scum and villainy to the wingnut corps, right?

  • Pragmatist2

    The staff of the National review make a compelling argument for contraception that is no just free, but mandatory. The world would be way better off without out these cretins.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I read that as Neanderthal Review. But then, my eyes are shot.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    One reason I love my city: cops used to carry them around. If I was horny and hooking up, I could just find a cop et voila! safe sexy time!

  • Not_So_Much

    Was research for this article done by virtue of many, many years as a drug mule? Probably fucking hates the taste of latex by now.

  • UnholyMoses

    **blink**

    **blink blink**

    When did our nation slip into a timewarp and come out the other side in the 19fucking(whentheaspirinfailed)50s?

    Dear conservatives: We've already fought the battles you keep trying to wage.

    You lost.

    Get over it.

    Move on.

    Get a hobby–woodworking, crochet, gardening, killing yourselves … wahtev.

    Just stop it. Okay? Just … stop.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      These are the goobers who think Appomattox was just a time-out.

  • StarsUponThars

    When one is enjoying the beauty of drilling, one must use the contraceptives.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, I wonder if there will be a BigFuneral?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      For a BigDildo?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This might mean more if everyone in the country that needed contraception lived in New York City.

  • UnholyMoses

    Whoa, wait.

    Brietbart died?

    IMPEACHOBAMATHISISJUSTLIKEVINCEFOSTER!!!111!1

    I know we shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but … well, my guess is that he probably won't need a coat where he's going …

  • Lucidamente1

    Re Breitbart: in lieu of flowers, send Riley?

  • Tundra Grifter

    I'm old enough to remember when the right wing nutz hated rubbers because they didn't really work and, well, let's face it, gay people should go ahead and get AIDS and die.

    Schools shouldn't teach children about condoms, they shouldn't be given away, etc., etc.

    Now they are the best thing since canned bread.

  • DoktorThompson

    And the National Review said, "Let them eat condoms."

  • Limeylizzie

    Before I meander over to his website I leave you with this reminder of what a piece of work he truly was. http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0809/26475.h

    • not that Dewey

      “villain,” a “duplicitous bastard” and a “prick.”

      "I'm more than willing to go off decorum to ensure THIS MAN is not beatified,” Breitbart wrote. “Sorry, he destroyed lives. And he knew it."

      He wrote his own eulogy?

    • Biff

      Comparing these two in any way is just wrong, and I won't. Brightfart's death doesn't exactly make me happy, but it sure as fuck doesn't make me sad, unlike the death of Ted Kennedy.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        We lost a great man in Kennedy. And a fat slob in Breitbart.

  • CapeClod

    If readers of the National Review used birth control more often, we might all be living in a happier world.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Somehow I rather doubt that the readers of the National Review have ever had a reason to resort to birth control. Interspecies sex doesn't usually result in viable offspring.

  • BlueStateLibel

    One would also assume this National Review writer is a complete and total asshole (seriously, who writes like that?)

  • Terry

    I just saw the Breitbart died. May God have mercy on his soul. I mean that. After his family, the person most in mourning is James O'Keefe.

  • Ruhe

    Dickheads gonna be dickheads.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    They're like dinner mints in a restaurant coat check for him

  • Callyson

    Yeah, my dad used a condom…and here I am…
    Morans.

  • ttommyunger

    Condoms are OK, but they should not be regarded as foolproof, and they can be dangerous. The fact that Andrew Brietbart choked to death on one should be proof enough.

  • smitallica

    No one said contraceptives were hard to come by because there's not enough of them, assholes. They said birth control pills for women can be hard to come by FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T AFFORD THEM. BECAUSE THEY'RE EXPENSIVE.

    Rolls Royces aren't hard to come by. They're just fucking expensive. Making them almost impossible for some people to get one. See how it works, you logic-impaired fuckwads?

  • OneYieldRegular

    I never fail to be impressed that the Paris Metro features condom machines next to the turnstiles in nearly every station – and that the French health care system provides coverage for birth control.

    Also: "habitués"???

  • GregComlish

    auto-erotic retardation

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    (Drop acid now.)

    Ha! Wonkette gets more genuine, real-life LOLs out of me than any other site. Keep doing whatever it is that you're doing. I like it.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It is but the problem is that it's usually more aware people who feel it.

  • BerkeleyBear

    He went out as he lived – dickishly.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

    It would appear that "Conservative Firebrand" is the newspeak for "slanderous, hypocritical liar."