women be stoppin'

GOP Jerk’s Wife Withholds Sex Because Of Transvaginal Ultrasound Bill

Dave Albo is a Republican in the Virginia House of Delegates whose wife decided against sexing him — in flagrante delicto, apparently! — once she heard, on the teevee news accompanying their intercourse, about the creepy transvaginal ultrasound bill Dave’s party was pushing last week. Thanks to Wonkette commenter “UnholyMoses,” we can all enjoy Albo’s first-person account of the unexpected interruptus of his coitus.

Albo used the House’s weekly comedy open mic not only to relate his charming tale of conjugal visitry gone wrong but also to call out Democratic delegate David Englin, specifically, for emitting cock-blocking sex death rays straight from the Rachel Maddow Show.

PS Did you know that it is considered impolite for delegates to utter any derivative of the word “vagina,” even while disgorging the squishy minutia of their sex-making into the official record over a cassette-deck porn beat, UNLESS they are simultaneously working to restrict what women can do with their “V”s? Look it up! [YouTube via Wonkette commenter "UnholyMoses"]

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659 comments

          1. Chichikovovich

            "Peggy Sue" was about a girl who was really into pegging.

            Edit: And if you're inclined to doubt me on this, check out the lyric:

            If you knew, Peggy Sue,
            Then you'd know why I feel blue

          2. FROTHY

            Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back there, Biffo. Just remember, if you become a neighbour I will shamelessly invite myself over to listen to your excellent music collection.

            ETA: Nah, I wouldn't do that to ya.

          1. FROTHY

            Hey, who you callin' … oh.

            Don't think I don't see what you did there.

            Santorum's all in a lather today because that ELITIST Barack dood wants everybody to go to college and stuff.The teatardz who turned out to hear him are all like Yay, No more homework EVAH! It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            It'd be funnier if these um, oh I don't know, I've called them so many things, what? Ig-nant mo-fos? I haven't said that today. It would be funnier if these ig-nant mo-fos weren't already messing every living thing up with all their stupid, stupid ways. If they stood in the corner and didn't get their stupid all over me it'd be different. But no, they gotta be assholes about it and try to do stuff that messes with my shit.
            We don't need no education my bee-hind.

          3. FROTHY

            Man, they're totally into stupid bukkake. It ain't stupid enough for them until they can get it all over the whole fucking country's face.

            It's a good thing I can't line the whole lot of them up for an ass-kicking, because I would totally need a new fucking leg by the time I was done. Just assholes. All of 'em.

          4. FakaktaSouth

            Do you know, I absolutely learned what that bukkake even was from a wonketteers? (not in person, but 'virtually' if ya know what I mean…Don't tell ME we aren't all about the learning here. I don't get that shit at ALL – I'm such an immediate gratification girl I can't imagine being on the wrong end of a bukkake writhe fest with none for me, thanks – I mean WHAT?) but it IS the perfect metaphor for Republican policies. Spurt spurt.

          5. FROTHY

            I have learned more from the Wonkettz about revolting sexual practices than I could possibly have imagined. But yeah, bukkake is all about punishing/humiliating a woman, not about sex.

            Which is a pretty good metaphor for what these motherfuckers are trying to do to the whole goddamn country. I hate them extra hatey-hatey today because I have a fucking headache. Maybe I should go out and weed the garden, after giving the weeds the names of each and every one of these idiot barfbags. Sorry, FakaktaSouth. Didn't mean to bukkake all over this comment.

    1. Negropolis

      I would sure hope that it's off the table, because it can be quite a dangerous event when performed on top of the table.

    2. tessiee

      I like to think I'm a pretty open-minded person, but I do feel that butt sex should never be done ON the table.

        1. tessiee

          Lulz, now I'm picturing Tony Soprano dope-slapping A.J. and yelling, "EY!! Your mudder and I EAT offa dat table!"

          1. FROTHY

            OK, now the cat is giving me the stinkeye because you made me LOL and I woke him. (Fuck him, I didn't ask him to to steal my pillow.)

          2. FROTHY

            Ya t'ink I don't get dat alla time?

            One of my dearest friends who always had a houseful of cats before he finally decided he couldn't take the heartbreak of saying goodbye repeatedly had them all labeled in jars on his mantel after they passed. He would always say, I've had more pussy than any ten straight men.

          3. tessiee

            No, it was a bad pun, the sort we English majors never tire of making.
            What I've actually had was a cock or two.

      1. tessiee

        "I can't have sex with you because of… um… your voting record! Yeah! That's the ticket! And also because today is Wednesday!"

          1. FROTHY

            Ya gotta get it right, pdog. Now, put that banana down and pull out the salami.

            Sliding the salami between the meat curtains don't sound so bad, now, do it?

  1. donner_froh

    So State Delegate David Albo did the usual when he is horny–drove a few towns over to an adult bookstore, sat next to a glory hole and sucked a some hot anonymous cocks.

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        Don't worry…it's an internet meme all on its own. That being said, I have such an open mind that the wind plays lovely music when it blows through my ears…and I don't care how someone gets their kink on…but the RD fucking torsos!?! just creep me the hell out.

        I wonder how many Briebart has?

          1. FROTHY

            Aw, you cho chweet! (Smooches top of tessiee's head)

            Actually, my birfday is shared with MLK and (almost) Biff, which is why Biff and I got gay-Internet-married on our birfday. But I am definitely an official Oldz. (Hugs the tessiee)

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          I actually saw a RD on an HBO Real Sex episode. I think they just buy the torsos so they can drive in the HOV lanes.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    "Did you know that it is considered impolite for delegates to utter any derivative of the word “vagina,”"

    That's because most R sex stories don't involve vaginas.

        1. poncho_pilot

          no, just another fat guy with glasses and a funny name. except i do get some.

          of course, my wife would never have to turn me down because i hate women.

          and, also, too, i'm a lot fucking funnier than that clown shoe.

          1. FROTHY

            Well, obvs, or you wouldn't be a Wonketteer. Srsly, it always amazes me that these fucksticks *ever* get any, given how much they plain old HATE the wimminfolk. I mean, if I had showed up at work and joked about my wife not schtupping me because she got pissed off about something I did, I'd be on my knees for a month of Sundays begging for forgiveness. Because you can bet your sweet ass I wouldn't be getting any for about that long.

        1. snackypants

          If you are interested in going further down this rabbit hole, rent the movie Zoo which was all about said Enumclaw horse incident.

      1. FROTHY

        That's probably the only link you've ever posted that hasn't grossed me out.

        Just kidding. That was truly great and hysterically funny. I wish it had actually had Gilda, though.

        1. flamingpdog

          I tried to find a link to the actual SNL routine, which I can still picture in my brain after all these years, and was roll on the floor hilarious, but had no luck.

          But then you're "looking at" a guy who memorized the Mr. Ed theme song.

          1. tessiee

            *sings*
            My boss is a jerk, of course of course,
            He looks like the back of a horse of course,
            He's fat and bald and he's a dork,
            I wish that he'd drop dead.

      1. HistoriCat

        I am slightly concerned about the high knowledge level members of the Wonketteriat have about a bestiality case.

  3. EatsBabyDingos

    She'll probably come around if he apologizes, brings flowers, and takes a transrectal battleship up the transrectal region.

  4. GuyClinch

    I'm driving into Vagina, I mean Virginia, tomorrow to buy cigarettes (yeah, I know). Think I'll stop by Del. Albo's driveway and empty my ashtray there. And maybe my bowels. HAHAHA yeah this whole probe-rape bill I sponsored is funny now! Hope your stupid teevee falls on you, rich guy.

  5. littlebigdaddy

    Haha, Gwen Ifill reads Wonkette. She just said there was a lot of talk on "social media" about Ford Field being empty for Mittens.

    1. finallyhappy

      I actually had a guy come into the museum with his wife and daughter(who was maybe 3) wearing a hat(the guy- my writing is convoluted, I know) that said that. I did a double take- thinking it was my dirty mind- and being in DC- that it actually said "Virginia"- but no!, it said Vagina. what a putz.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Come on now, you little scamps – Mrs. Albo has shown herself to have a scrap of sense and decency, which can't be easy to sustain when married to a douchenozzle like her rapist-by-proxy husband.

      So let's just focus on what a fat, ugly rapist-by-proxy dipshit husband she has and count her as one of the heros of this tale.

      1. FROTHY

        *This* is why, when they hold those elections for god? You got my vote.

        As I pointed out before, how plain or gorgeous Mrs. Albo is makes nobody no never mind, if she's the only person in the world who will fuck that jerk (and he's no fucking prize), and she's doing the principled Lysistrata number.

        If more women would stop sleeping with Repuglycunts, they wouldn't have to worry about these prix passing laws that treat them like chattel.

      2. OzoneTom

        Thanks for putting that in perspective. Obviously Rita Albo deserves our respect and thanks.

        But she's still way too good for the likes of him.

        1. Chichikovovich

          I'm the one who should be sorry – I realized your message was just factual and rhetorically neutral. I was jumping in to try to gently redirect people's snark rays. But I neglected to make clear that the message was intended as a comment on the way the thread was heading, not on your post.—

      1. Jukesgrrl

        She's given him a son and heir, so to some "minds" (probably his), she's fulfilled her most important wifely duty. I hope she now does her motherly duty and makes sure that kid doesn't ACT like his father.

        1. Chichikovovich

          She's given him a son and heir, so to some "minds" (probably his), she's fulfilled her most important wifely duty.

          True. The Republicans are nothing if not heir-brained.

    2. tessiee

      OK, I don't think I'd put her on the cover of Vogue, but she's at least decently attractive in a generic, "nice lady who works at the dry cleaner's" sort of way, thereby making her several orders of magnitude too good for him.

      Also, I'm now fascinated by the name Chris "Chubby" Frederick that appears about one third of the way down the page — as in, exactly how fat does he (or she) have to be in order to be distinctive for fatness in Virginia?

      1. Gainsbourg69

        Yup. In the last week three of his campaign workers have been all over the news.
        Babes, Grimm and now this idiot.

        1. FROTHY

          Lot of chatter on Twitter today about the Republicans dumping RMONEY. Some of it coming from Republican operatives. I wonder if it will happen.

          1. FROTHY

            Srsly, they're calling Santo the only conservative candidate. Apparently, Newt's history of demonizing and pillorying Democrats in and out of Congress renders him insufficiently radical for these raving, rabid yobbos. Right now, Santorum is WAY ahead of the other two in Alabama. Yes. Mull that over for a few minutes. Santorum, the Catholic candidate from BLUE Northeastern PA is running double digits ahead of Good Ol' Boy Southerner Newton Leroy in fucking Alabama. I can't wait to hear the spin the talking heads will put on this one.

          2. tessiee

            'Mull that over for a few minutes. Santorum, the Catholic candidate from BLUE Northeastern PA is running double digits ahead of Good Ol' Boy Southerner Newton Leroy in fucking Alabama."

            They may not like Catlicks down south, but trust me, they eat up that handmaid's tale bullshit like it was cheese grits.

          3. NYNYNYjr

            their choices are two catholics, a mormon and an anti-war dude. give the R's a break, it must seem like the world is upside down to most Alabamians.

          4. FROTHY

            But Newton Leroy and RMONEY are offering pretty much the same cheesy grits. What makes this nutbag different from all other nutbags? The fact is Santorum is batshit insane, and the sooner he gets the nom, the better it is for Barack. But I can't help worrying about the country.

  6. Beowoof

    What woman would fuck this guy with the Redskin Channel on TV, one wonders who she is fantasizing about.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      ("I wonder how that big football with those nice, rough lacings, would feel…compared with this jerk's pencil dick…")

    2. poncho_pilot

      "…one wonders who she is fantasizing about."

      my guess is either a tribe of Native Americans or a potato.

  7. Local_Mojo

    I could not make it beyond "patented cool move."

    It's pretty clear that this will not have a happy ending.

    1. tessiee

      "It's pretty clear that this will not have a happy ending."

      Oh, dear god, I hope that wasn't a double entendre.

  8. ThundercatHo

    Yes! Go, Mrs. Albo! If more women refused to put out when their men acted like dickheads this world would be a much better place.

    1. OzoneTom

      Of course a lot of those men in GOP don't really want their women-beards to put out, as that would cause them to become physically sick and traumatized

      See Sens. Larry Craig, Mitch McConnell for starters.

        1. FROTHY

          I was going to say something about making poor dogs suffer, and then I realized, NO! Dogs would totally fuck anything they could, so they probably WOULD enjoy fucking the bejayzus out of Mr. Albo! And who could possibly deserve it more?

          Also, too: It deserves to be the only sex he will ever get again in his life, if he is writing bills requesting that women who have been raped by some people then be raped again by the government with instruments — surely there's something against that in the various human rights conventions and legislation that we have signed — and have such information entered permanently in their medical records simply because they wish to exercise autonomy over their own ladyparts.

  9. chascates

    Perhaps if these male malefactors were forced to undergo a digital prostate exam before being allowed to purchase condoms some consciousness raising would occur.

    And not by a medical doctor but whoever is selling the condoms. The drug store clerk, gas station attendant or what have you.

        1. tessiee

          All the time, really? Mine only used to achieve caltitude [= the maximum altitude of a cat's ass, according to science] when I was trying to read something.

          1. FROTHY

            These guys seem to think that we're their actual biological parents, or something. They really do not get that whole "species difference" routine. Apparently, little felines have their Mom inspect their rear end every time they poop, and clean up any, uh, evidence. These guys do tend to get a bit carried away with it, though,despite repeated admonishment. I think I like cats because they're naturally anti-authoritarian. They really don't give a fuck what you think about having their ass in your face, if that's what they want to do, they're gonna do it anyway.

        2. not that Dewey

          cat anus in the face

          Little Suzie, when one of the cats curls up on her, refers to the face/front paws of the cat as "the fun end". I GOT THE FUN END!

          I say, "if you have the fun end, what do I have?"

          THE BUTT AND LEGS!

          1. user-of-owls

            Since my gata is of Christie-esque proportions, she has no ends to speak of so I always get the fun end.

          2. FROTHY

            Awww! That is SO cute! I do love your little girl, she is just a squeezable. The fun end, indeed! My favourite little girl used to love the kittehs when she was a young'un. I think it was pretty much the first thing she reacted to as a baby. We would schlep her around in her carseat and sometimes would leave her buckled in it at the table in the breakfast nook, and she would reach her little hand out and want to stroke their fur.

            Now she's all grown up, and all that stuff is way not cool enough for her. Enjoy li'l Suzie while you can, dood, they grow up all too fast.

    1. tessiee

      "forced to undergo a digital prostate exam before being allowed to purchase condoms … And not by a medical doctor but whoever is selling the condoms. The drug store clerk, gas station attendant or what have you."

      Oh, boy!
      Customer [played by Albo/Todd Palin/Herman Cain]: OK, so that's $20. worth of regular, this box of wine, and um… these.
      [alarm bells ring, twirling red light flashes]
      Clerk [yelling towards the back room]: Hey Billy Bob, we got us… a CUSTOMER!
      Billy Bob [emerging from back room, snapping on a rubber glove]: Kuh-hyuk!

        1. tessiee

          Well, I did say that the customer was played by Albo/Todd Palin/Herman Cain, so that should make it entertaining in a sadistic way.

  10. Negropolis

    I'm watching Rachel, and she just played a tape of O'Malley just totally taking Lil' Bobby McDonnell apart while sitting right next to him at a Politico event, today. lol

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I saw that too. You know what I also saw? I saw that weasley little so-called man McDonnell say that O'Malley was the one talking about social issues! What in the hell is WRONG wth these people? He doesn't even have the courage of his own convictions but he waves a vag probe around like a sceptor. Did you see the Dutch guy calling Rick out for being a liar too? Now you know what it feels like to live in Alabama. It's all, I swear to God he doesn't speak for all of us! We're not ALL morons just cause we live here, I swear! Barack must be a little pissed these guys aren't even gonna be a challenge. I mean, he is such a great debater, he must wish these asshats would get it together just a smidge so when he levels their playing field it ain't like he's kicking handicapped folks or something.

      1. FROTHY

        Good point. It *almost* seems unfair. Until you remember what assholes they have been, and are, and how much we will all enjoy watching him wipe the floor with whichever mug is unlucky enough to be the chosen Sacrificial Lamb. Today's Pox Ooze Memes are: (1) Only 50% of Americans *like* the guy, so he won't win; and (2) It's HIS FAULT gas prices are SO HIGH!

        And it's not working because they're getting called on it despite the media's frantic ball-licking.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          I'm not saying I won't enjoy it, I'm just saying it sucks to be a kick ass debate guy and have to argue with people who are fine with whatever the Pope or Joseph Smith say. If all you have to do is stand there and let Mr "colleges are indoctrination centers" do his thing, well ya know, it's a let down. Same as when I'm all ready for a fight and the old man says yeah, sorry, you're right before I even get to tell him he's a dick. Stealing thunder can be a drag.

          1. FROTHY

            Oh, totes, that's the technique my partner uses when he wants to win an argument.

            Man won't be able to show off half his flash and style, having to dance with a lackwit.

      2. Chichikovovich

        Kind of like the Harlem Globetrotters against the Washington Generals, if the Washington Generals were all douchebags.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          When I was a kid and went to see the Globetrotters, the local sports guy Herb Winches (great polyester sports guy name, no?) played with the Generals as a guest "star" for whatever reason (and the Globetrotters of course whooped that ass). Herb was a "family values guy" with ad contracts and a big Xtian mouth runner, making money with that whole bs routine going on – til he of course got busted in the hotel room with the coke and so forth. My point is, yeah, JUST like the Generals.

        2. tessiee

          "Harlem Globetrotters against the Washington Generals, if the Washington Generals were all douchebags."

          So like the Harlem Globetrotters against the Lakers?

        1. FakaktaSouth

          That is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time!
          I do cling to my wonkette nation like a baby orangutan on its mama's back.

    1. tessiee

      I'm no expert, but I think "En Fuego De La Dicto" is Mexican for "your dick is on fire", which doesn't sound promising for sexytime OR breadsticks.

  11. Guppy

    1.) He deserves an apology for being denied his conjugal rights as a husband.

    2.) That apology must come from the man he holds responsible for giving his wife ideas.

    Oh, this isn't misogynistic at all

  12. coolhandnuke

    On their very finest of lusty days, the procreation is average, the buttsex mediocre and the Redskins never cover in Fairfux.

  13. Negropolis

    You know, I'm glad they are Mainline, because if they were Evangelicals, we'd have heard about some domestic violence.

    Good on the intentions of the Mrs, though, I fear this won't be a punishment for either of them, because, well, his speed is probably more truck stop action and her speed is probably someone actually attractive.

  14. Negropolis

    Watched the video. I don't know what they fuck they are laughing about, 'cause this shit ain't funny. These are some twisted bastards.

    You know, places like Michigan and Wisconsin and New Jersey that made mistakes (and do from time to time) in 2010 will correct them. I feel bad for the folks that have had to live with the Republican Party (and the up until 2010, the Dixiecrat governments down south), and will have to continue to live with them.

      1. Chichikovovich

        There might be a bad pun worth making with some variation on "he's an Albotross around their necks" but I'm too tired to devise one. Hey, everybody! Free bad pun material here!

  15. CogitoErgoBibo

    Favorite part? Douchebag brought his own bow-chica-bow-bow soundtrack to accompany his fratboy story about how his wife rejected him for putting her ladybits up for state-sanctioned raping. Oh, iPod. I am sad that you played a part in this asshat's explanation of why, this time, his wife rejected him (as opposed to the 5,756 other times, using excuses like, "It's Wednesday.").

  16. FROTHY

    If more straight women would boycott these raging dicks, they wouldn't try to pass so many laws to control the pussy. We all owe Mrs. Albo a big TY.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I boycott them all! I can't imagine trying to fuck an R anyway – I know he'd only be thinking about your pecker the whole time. Can't compete with what you ain't got…(hence all these fucking twat laws)

      1. FROTHY

        Srsly. Mitt's (and the Repuglies' in general) numbers are tanking now, because women voters are pissed. I'm pleased.

        I don't even know why they're doing this. Surely they can't — even THEY can't — be this ABYSMALLY stupid.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            I'm talking at you and Frothy – I wish there was a way to really do that. ANYway, my hope is that this shit is all about to jump the vaginal probe as it were…as a member of the betwatted class, I'd like for the end result of all this bullshit with Virginia, the Catholics and the Rs to be – we get it, you're a man or an idiot, you're wielding your penis power and making laws that don't have shit to do with you and that you know very little about (state forced external ultrasounds at the "days" preggo rate is BRILLIANT!) You are doing things for political effect, not results, not for the good of anyone. This is why it is now annoying more than offensive to me and my lady parts at this juncture. More women were elected the year they crucified Anita Hilll than any other year before or since. Enough, it's boring, you lose. When it stops working, they'll stop doing it, just like any erstwhile opinion or fleeting thought Mitt Romney's ever had. I just hope they lose so bad this time even THEY figure it out.

          2. FROTHY

            I think they gambled on this "social issues" plan thinking they would win. But because they're stuck in the previous century (I mean, the Young Republicans are in their FIFTIES?), they don't seem to realize that the world has changed A WHOLE FUCKING LOT in the past half-century. When I was young, gay people and women and brownz had no rights. Now, young people don't even get that there was a time when the groups that they might belong to didn't have rights. People in the 18-40 age demographic have a *very* different mindset than people in the 40+ demographic. Young conservative women are extremely turned off by the attack on the reproductive rights they have always had. It's backfiring on the GOP, and they're sending out their Mighty Wurlitzer to combat it by pushing the meme that the Democrats started the "social issues" fight. Rachel Maddow did a timeline of the issue. It's not looking good for the fuckers, and it serves them right.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            Finally! Our ADD, disinterest and disregard for historical facts and lack of empathy for the plight and struggle of generations before us will pay off!! Whaddya mean girls used to not be able to go wild?? Fuck y'all! We's nekkid! On the TV! Gimme my pills! Huzzah! (I mean this in the best "hate America first"/Anna Quindlen is my hero way I can) Iron Jawed Angels are we. Now get out my business 'fore I flash somebody!!
            (I can totes be a boobies out brainiac. I really can.)

          4. FROTHY

            Hah! I can't upfist this enough. Flash away, girl.

            I think if everybody was fucking each other a lot more they wouldn't be fucking WITH each other so much. What the fuck ever happened to our Love Revolution and Zero Population Growth plan, man?

          5. Chichikovovich

            (I can totes be a boobies out brainiac. I really can.)

            We in the can't-be-a-boobies-out brainiac community believe you, celebrate you, and with both hands we reach out to grasp, lift and embrace your…goal (yes, that's what I wanted to say: goal) as we would our own.

          6. Biff

            Thing is, they DID lose that bad between 2006 and 2008, but everyone had a brainfart in 2010 and the motherfuckers roared back to life. When will WE learn?

          7. FROTHY

            Those of us who might naturally not be included on the yacht that the one percenters are sailing — you know, the Poorz, Brownz, LGBTQs, Wimminz — the only fucking way we're going to get anything like rights is to stick together in this fight. And it's a long term fight. Look at these fuckholes. They're refighting (or trying to) issues we thought we had *settled* when *I* was a youngun nearly half a century ago! And we have to be ready to fight it over and over again until we beat it into their fucking heads, that we are NOT going back. They want to take us back to a world that only existed in their heads, one that had NO PLACE for any of us. We are not going back to the back of the bus, or the back of the line, or where the fuck EVER they have in mind to take us back to. THEY'RE welcome to go, if they want. But we're linking arms, and we're staying right here, and we're going to keep fighting this fight till it's won.

            Because we sure as fuck cannot afford that these monsters should ever win this battle and inflict upon our children and our world the horrors that you know they're contemplating.

          8. FROTHY

            True. But children are not a naturally revolutionary class, since the children of the rich are treated so very differently from the children of the poor!

          9. tessiee

            "When women vote, Democrats win."

            I think Democratic wins are also correlated with high voter turnout.

    2. Negropolis

      If we get the rentboys on board, we could shut the entire fucking country down. lol

      BTW, it was the denial of sex that played a huge part in ending the Liberian civil war, no joke.

  17. Soylent Green

    I was going to start off by saying 'Republicans aren't funny'. I take it back. They are hilarious. Bill Maher won't even need to add a punchline.

  18. pinkocommi

    My vajayjay wishes to commend the right honorable Ms. Albo for Lysistrata-ing her husband's ass. Or rather, cock.

    1. FROTHY

      Yep. I've been waiting for four long years for the Repuglycunts to just flat-out lose it and start screaming "Nigger! Nigger! Nigger!" and now they've done it. They must be SO relieved. It's all out now. Lance that boil, Repuglies! Get it ALL outa your systems.

      They're living in a different reality than the rest of the world.

    2. mavenmaven

      That's what the teabaggers really mean when they talk about the Founding Fathers and defending the original Constitution…

    3. Negropolis

      As stated above, for an Individual to be a candidate for the office of president of the United States, the candidate must meet the qualifications set forth in the United States Constitution and one of those qualifications is that the Candidate shall be a “natural born citizen” of the United States. As Barack Hussein Obama II is of the “mulatto” race, his status of citizenship is founded upon the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Before the [purported] ratification of the Fourteenth Amendment, the race of “Negro” or “mulatto” had no standing to be citizens of the United States under the United States Constitution.

      As the fourteenth amendment is only a grant of “civil rights” and not a grant of “political rights” Barack Hussein Obama II does not have and “political rights” under any provision of the United States Constitution to hold any Public Office of the United States government.

      Send in the blue helmets; I'm calling upon the enforcement of the Geneva Convention, 'cause logic is being tortured, here.

      This whole lawsuit and its filer can be sent to The Hague; no one will have lost any.

      1. Chichikovovich

        I agree in spirit, but I'll suggest a couple of friendly amendments. First of all, let's not send the guy to the Hague, since they are all civilized about capitol punishment and torture and stuff. The Kenyan Usurper should extraordinarily render this moron's ass to Saudi Arabia where he can taste what prison in a real oppressive authoritarian regime feels like. I mean, damn, what's the point of being a despot who has illegally seized power and rules with an iron fist, if you can't make open drooling idiocy punishable by disappearance and daily thrashings?

        And I wouldn't send the complaint to the Hague. Rather, all ten pages of it should be preserved under glass in the Smithsonian, as representing weapons-grade wingnut lunacy refined to its purest crystalline form. (Except that the spelling and grammar is better than I would have expected: only a handful of obvious mistakes. He must have asked the librarian at the law library to proofread it for him. But she did it while absent-mindedly talking on the phone so she missed some.)

        The obsessive repetition of "Barack Hussein Obama" is there. The mind-boggling racism with a mock-legal polish is there: Dred Scott viewed as properly decided and never actually overturned. The misuse of misunderstood legal terminology is there, for example the distinction between a "dicta case" and a "stare decisis" case, as if non-overturned cases could be classed as intrinsically "obiter dicta" in their entirety, rather than merely parts of a decision taken to be incidental to the main result. The official – sounding distinctions extracted from deep in the darkest reaches of his ass, treated as if they were accepted fundamental, defined and meaningful distinctions in Constitutional law are there, for example the distinction in the quote you extract, between "Civil Rights" and "Political Rights", with only the former said to be guaranteed by the fourteenth amendment. The head-scratch prompting allusions to other "burning legal issues" that are no doubt discussed constantly in wingnut posting boards and quite rightly unknown anywhere else, for example the parenthetical "[purported]" inserted in front of "ratification" [of the fourteenth amendment]. And this is just a hint of the museum-quality wingnut "thinking" on display.

        And of course the gross errors in logic are there, as you also note. My favorite was when he gives a one – paragraph quote from the decision in Minor v. Happersett (1874) that very clearly states (in paraphrase): "The question is whether this person is a citizen. Now sometimes there have been issues raised in this connection about people born in the US to only one citizen parent, but we have absolutely no need to resolve those disputes, because the case before us involves two citizen parents, and everybody agrees about that." In our hero's telling, this is transformed into "See! They say it has to be two citizen parents!"

        1. FROTHY

          I would love to respond to this with something flippant and snarky, like "Run away with me," but my logic centers are so deeply gratified that I think I shall simply thank you politely instead.

        2. ShaveTheWhales

          My brain seized up right around the introduction of the concept of "mulatto race", so thanks for this further explication.

        3. Jukesgrrl

          I especially approve of your idea of the Smithsonian displaying this abomination. I think the fact that these thoughts are percolating in any segment of our society should be put under a spotlight. To ignore it is akin to what the "white"-washers are trying to do with the history of the South. Upfist with enthusiasm.

        1. FROTHY

          (Hugs the weej) I shall take THIS image away with me, and it will keep me from attempting to strangle the next eejit who flaps its gums at me over this.

      1. imissopus

        I was skimming through the comments over there and found a couple of people saying this guy appears to be a Sovereign Citizen, which makes sense. Those guys are goofballs. Dangerous goofballs though, because they are often caught killing or trying to kill judges and cops.

        1. FROTHY

          And driving on our public roads that were built with our public tax monies that they refuse to pay also too.

          Fortunately, they're often easily spotted by their LARGE FOIL HELMETS!!

          Geezus, the batshit is dialed up by a million today.

      2. Jukesgrrl

        I wasn't aware of that blog. It's really good. I especially enjoyed the comment from a reader named "carpenterman." "Frank Zappa put it perfectly: 'I’m not black, but there are times I wish I could say I’m not white.' This, for me, is one of those times. I don’t like sharing so much as a low-melanin level with this bozo."

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        No, but he's a repeat birther who also wrote to the chief justice (including his family crest) – and has the balls to admonish the chief justice:

        There are rumors that the Clerk of the U.S. Supreme Court intercepts personal mail that is addressed to individual Justices of the U.S. Supreme Court. Hopefully this rumor is not true for any Public Employee obstructing the Mails of the United States commits a Criminal Act. This letter is not the business of the United States Supreme Court and as such, it is not the concern of the U.S. Supreme Court Clerk. As this rumor widely exist, please acknowledge the receipt of this letter.

      2. Fukui-sanYesOta

        He's also one of these fucking morons who believe that your name written in ALL CAPS is some kind of legal strawman which allows the government to borrow in your name and therefore you're not liable for any debts.

        Example here

        Your common-or-garden insane nutjob.

        A result of the federal bankruptcy was the creation of the "UNITED STATES," which was made a part of the legal reorganization. The name of each STATE was also converted to its respective, all-caps legal person, e.g. STATE OF DELAWARE. These new legal persons were then used to create more legal persons, such as corporations, with all-capital letters names, as well. Once this was accomplished, the con began to pick up speed. All areas of government and all alleged "courts of law," are de facto, "color of law and right" institutions. The "CIRCUIT COURT OF WAYNE COUNTY" and the "U.S. DISTRICT COURT" can recognize and deal only with other legal persons. This is why a lawful name is never entered in their records. The all-caps legal person is used instead. Jurisdiction in such sham courts covers only other artificial persons.

        The proper jurisdiction for a lawful being is a Constitutionally sanctioned, common-law-venue court. Unfortunately, such jurisdiction was "shelved" in 1938 and is no longer available. The only courts today are statutory commercial tribunals collecting tribute (plunder) from the alleged Creditors who think they have conquered the country on their way to ruling the world.

        1. not that Dewey

          Racism and insanity aside, I generally try to keep a low profile. I don't post much on facebook; I'm reticent even about most of those Credo online petitions — do I really want my name permanently associated with this?

          I certainly do not FILE A WHOLE BUNCH OF INSANE SHIT ON THE RECORD AT A COURTHOUSE and draw attention to my insanity. I guess he and I just differ on this, and every other, point.

      3. Fukui-sanYesOta

        One more reply:

        This fuck attempted the to rescind the 14th amendment back in 1995. He's a big-time racist shit.

        He's also argued that Dred Scott was never truly overturned.

          1. Fukui-sanYesOta

            Insanity knows no limit, I think. I've seen these "accepted for value" (A4V) fuckballs attempt to prevent foreclosures or not pay federal tax using this shit.

            Naturally it never works. Sometimes they go to jail.

  19. Designer_Rants

    "Hoh, man! 'member that time we're all like, 'trans-vag, trans-vag', and then Ol' Frowny-Face Sugar-Tits over there was all 'I'm a Democrat, waa! waa!'? And all those "silent protesters" stood outside that one day. Ooooo, "Silent Protesters". Whaddya gonna do? Not talk me outta State Sponsored Rape? HOOHOOHOOhehehe! And THEN… my wife wouldn't even fuck me 'cause she saw me on the news and realized how much I hate her! Hahahahahahahahaha! Oh god, oh god, you guys KILL me! How do we even get PAID for this shit??"

    "Seriously. Are we just supposed to keep pranking people? Because I'm starting to wonder if there isn't something we could do to make things better?"

    "pfffssssSSSSHAWHAHAHAWHA!! I'M FUCKING WITH YOU GUYS! HAWHAWHAW!"

    "Alright, shut up. Let's vote on this 'piss test everyone but us' thing."

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Acceptable to the government of the Catholic church; Catholic church members are using birth control.

      1. Negropolis

        Hell, they are popping them like pez. There is a reason that American fertility rates are now below replacement. lol

  20. Negropolis

    I've been trying to figure out why they are laughing so riotously, and I think I got it: when you fuck up so utterly, so completely, as a legislative body, and you finally get that you have, what else are you going to do? This is the very definition of nervous laughter.

    Do they finally realize that they morally collapsed so thoroughly that even hell won't have them; that even the prince of air winced; that even the ghost of Bob Novak is telling them to "back the fuck up"? Could this be the tea party's Rick Perry "oops" moment?

    You know, I don't usually read too many comments on articles, but I checked a full page of comments on a story about this on Yahoo. Even the baggers are saying "too far." Every. single. comment.

    So, enjoy your laugh while you can, because, maybe, America's just not that in to you, anymore. Maybe, they've come to realize that you're the type that will kill their pet rabbit and make it into stew than for no other reason than that you can.

    Meanwhile, across the river and in a large part of America, the nation is trying to get on with the rest of its life the best it can having to live next to this riff raff. Across the river they are working on letting people live honest and open and dignified lives, and not only not sticking unwarranted stuff in other humans, but getting out of the bedroom, entirely. Across the river, life is moving on, and tomorrow will come, and when it does, it'll be just that much better.

    1. tessiee

      "I've been trying to figure out why they are laughing so riotously, and I think I got it: when you fuck up so utterly, so completely, [...] what else are you going to do? This is the very definition of nervous laughter."

      It's like when you're about eight years old, and you do something monumentally jack-assy, and get caught. Your parent says, sarcastically, "I bet you're REAL proud of yourself, aren't you?", and in some twisted way, you actually kind of *are*.

        1. tessiee

          We're both so gorgeous that it's probably better for our safety, and that of all the rest of the world, that we're *not* twins.

          I think most kids have pulled a stunt like that at least once, though.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        One of my favorite bits from Bill Cosby because my parents would say almost the same things to me:

        When [mothers] ask you a question, you try and answer, they tell you to shut up! "Day and night, night and day, work my fingers to the bone, for what?" "I don't…" "SHUT UP! And when I ask you a question, you keep your trap shut! Think I'm talking to hear myself talk? ANSWER ME!"

        1. tessiee

          Can't remember where I read this, but when the author was a kid, his mother was on his case to do… something or other… that he didn't feel like doing; and she said, "Do I ever ask you for anything?"
          The kid said, "Yes, of course. You ask me for things *all the time*."
          Needless to say, that was NOT the right answer.

      2. Biff

        You mean like that one time I set the 10 acre field next to the BofA on fire, then pulled the fire alarm, and got an article in the Trib calling me a hero, but my mother somehow didn't buy it and busted my face anyway?

        1. tessiee

          I'd'a busted you in the chops, too.
          Really, you set the field *next* to Bank of America on fire? You're that lazy, you couldn't have walked the extra three steps and burned BofA down?

    2. Gainsbourg69

      Thankfully this piece of good news come with an added bonus. I read this week that Ken Cuccinelli has decided to jump to the front of the queu and will take on McDonell's Lt. governor in the upcoming GOP primaries. If he wins the nomination he'll lose big and Virginia will be rid of him.

  21. fartknocker

    Oklahoma number 1
    North Carolina a close number 2
    Virginia kind of 3rd in stupid, numb nut politicians telling tea bagger stories about being lucky enough to orgasm hard enough to create a kid

    I still give Oklahoma street credibility for the fucktard wanting to kill a Senator and zygote death squads. We're really fucked as a nation. Shit, Rick Perry returned to Texas and he's a quiet as a church mouse.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I'd put NC below SC on such a list. They never had a representative scream, "You lie," to the president during a State of the Union message being delivered on live TV. Not to mention that fuckwad DeMint. And don't forget Kansas. They've got those halfwits who picket funerals and they don't have to legislate against abortion … they just murder the doctors. But feel free to keep Oklahoma as #1.

        1. Negropolis

          As of the last decade or so, though, they've been surprisingly tame, at least by comparison. And, I don't care how narrowly he won it (and how much that was due to migration from the north), Obama still won what is still a decidedly Southern state. Also, female, Democratic governor. Too. You have any many so-called progressive states where that still isn't possible, let alone in the South.

          Few states have come as far as North Carolina in modernizing itself, and I say that as a Michigander who hates that they are stealing all of our college-educated 20 and 30-somethings.

          1. unclejeems

            OK, but the republicans in the state legislature are going to screw the pooch with their redistricting plan. Hope you're ready.

          2. Negropolis

            My only point was that NC is moving in the right directions. Every state has hiccups. It's about how many and in which direction the jurisdiction is moving.

    2. MosesInvests

      Hell, Gov. Goodhair hasn't even been to work, hardly, since he got his ass handed to him in the primaries.

  22. RadioSBJ

    Mrs. Radio has a new legislative proposal: It's not a person if the conception doesn't involve female orgasm. Hell yes, sign me up for that.

        1. DerrickWildcat

          The Vapors, who did, "Turning Japanese", has been relegated to a one hit wonder. Although this may be true, the album that, "Turning Japanese" came from, "New Clear Days" is absolutely fantastic. A really overlooked album.

          1. tessiee

            One of the DJs at a radio station I used to listen to played "Turning Japanese" at the start of his morning shift.
            This would have been a good wake-up song, except that the date was December 7.

          2. DerrickWildcat

            Here's a couple from that Album.
            They're real good hook writers.
            Some is real, "The Jam" sounding
            Ain't that Youtube something?

            Spring Collection http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FSRGoMb-aM&fe

            Trains http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNowJK1vDQA&fe
            News at Ten http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICSw3x3Hbjc

            Waiting For The Weekend http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgL1hEX-7Gs&fe

            Letter From Hiro http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yr6t-idUAEA&fe

            These are all from, New Clear Days. Not a bad cut on the album. It's a very overlooked gem.

          3. FROTHY

            Thank you very much. I listened to "Turning Japanese" on YouTube. I think it's one of the best things that ever happened to humanity. My tastes tend to run (screaming) away from the top twenty or whatever it's called these days, so I don't get my music that way. I rely on the feelers of friends to feed my very eclectic and eccentric tastes.

          4. RavenRant

            I LOVE that album. 'Waiting for the Weekend', 'Trains', 'Spring Collection'…

            Thanks for reminding me of it.

            Re: The phrase 'turning japanese', the earliest use of it I've seen in print is in the play 'Mr. Roberts' when he's trying to get shore leave for his men.

          5. FROTHY

            Thank you, Raven! Boy, the Wonketz is an amazing collection of people, innit? The CW is, like, way higher than any other place I've ever hung out.

        2. FROTHY

          You are a truly horrible person, pdog. Truly horrible.

          Yeah, yeah, blame ME for clicking the linky. Like you didn't know I wouldn't be able to resist. AAAAAAUUUGGHHH!

  23. freakishlywrong

    Boo fucking hoo. Note to conservatives: Don't be fucking, women hating assholes and maybe you'll get laid. I hear Babeu is free.

  24. ttommyunger

    I can guess what she was thinking: "Finally, a reason besides the fact that you are fat, ugly, have a tiny dick, never make me cum and your breath smells like weasel urine."

    1. DemmeFatale

      lol!
      (This is OT, Tommy, but I'd love your military insight into the shithead Allen West.
      I am going to see my smarmy, asshole of a cousin soon, and he is a fundraiser for this POS.)

      1. flamingpdog

        You might want to check out Allen West's Democratic opponent, Patrick Murphy. I gave some Ameros to his campaign recently even though I have no connection to Florida – just to feel like I was doing something to help get the blah Jughead out of Congress.

      2. ttommyunger

        West is a classic fuck-up. He fucked his career up and he is busy fucking his current endeavors up. Google has a rap sheet on him a mile long.

    1. weej_bain

      MG, probly both since the size of a fellah's teevee is a corollary to the adage about the inverse relationship between the size of their manhood and how high their pick-me-up truck is jacked.

  25. An_Outhouse

    Unfortunately this is a perfect example of the narcissistic assholes who go into politics. Do you have colleagues at work that would tell that story? In front of an audience? with a microphone? Would you marry someone like that? Would you stay married to someone after that?

    1. tessiee

      "Do you have colleagues at work that would tell that story?"

      We've all had at least one cow-irker that would tell that story, or a similarly awful story, with complete cluelessness, never realizing that it reveals much more about *them* than it does about the other person.

      1. FROTHY

        Someone actually comes in to the office and tells stories about their sex life? That's totally a sexual harassment case in the making, dood.

        Our Corporate Overlords put us through a three-day training hell to make it clear to us that NOTHING about our personal lives was EVER to be discussed in the workplace. EVER. Telling someone your kid was sick might be OK if it was your immediate supervisor/dept head or HR, but telling anyone outside that chain of command was considered "inappropriate use of company time." Telling someone your wife wouldn't schtup you? They'd send two guys with boxes to your desk and walk you off campus within the hour.

        1. tessiee

          The assmarmot in question was a divorced man in his 40s who drove a corvette, so he could pick up high school girls. The story wasn't a sex story per se, it was about how he had rolled over his car the past weekend, and walked away without a scratch. The take-away he got from this was not that he was incredibly lucky, or that god protects fools, but that rolling your car over was no big deal.

          1. FROTHY

            I presume he has since lost his job, or his life. Geez. People like that don't last long in a job unless they're the tech genius in the company.

            OTOH, WTF do I know, I once worked with a guy I shall only refer to as SkunkMan (he had LONG black hair with short white edges) who had degrees in CS and chemistry and had published a shitload and held patents of various kinds and still taught and flew his own plane, and was the most obnoxious lecher I ever met. Fortunately, he saved his lechery for women of Eastern European extraction with significant mileage on them, if not their boobs.

          2. tessiee

            How gross was this porker with the corvette?
            He was cheating on his wife with a married co-worker, AND cheating on the co-worker with her 17 year old daughter.
            I wish I were making that up.

  26. SudsMcKenzie

    (weekend): I'm watching her show for the first time and I think Mellisa Harris Perry makes Nia Malika Henderson look like Maria Teresa Kumar.

  27. OneDollarJuana

    Poor Dave Albo. No more trans-vaginal sexy-time for him. Maybe he should uphold a long-standing Republican tradition and go for some hawt trans-sexual sexy-time now.

    1. FROTHY

      Or a rentboy.

      ETA: IBC (Interrupted By Cat) The Republicans seem to have a lot more of the hentai demographic than Democrats do, although they're not out about it. They might, in the current common pop use of the term, even merit being called "polymorphously perverse." Although they're just basically perverse, period, really.

  28. OneDollarJuana

    My proposal is to require a body cavity search when applying for concealed-carry permit, or purchasing any firearm. It is already illegal to do so if you are a felon, intoxicated, or engaged in criminal activity. So it's not unreasonable to require an aggressive body cavity search just to make sure the applicant is not carrying illegal drugs.

    1. Chichikovovich

      That is a truly great idea! Every time one of these abortion-obstacle bills comes up, this should be proposed as an amendment. Also we should make anyone wanting to buy a gun watch a 3 hour video of people with parts of their bodies blown off, parents weeping at the funerals of their children who have died in gun accidents or as victims of intentional shootings, etc. We want to make sure that people buying guns have "all the available information" to give "informed consent" to having a gun around the house.

      People would be required to attend a full screening of the video for each gun they want to purchase. Now of course, we would be reasonable: people would be allowed to look away from the screen and put fingers in their ears if they chose.

    2. tessiee

      "just to make sure the applicant is not carrying illegal drugs"

      If you framed it as part of the "war on drugs", they'd pass a law requiring public beheadings.

      1. FROTHY

        I have decided that you are *just* as qualified to pronounce on this as any other opinionator the GOP is producing of late, so UPFIST.

        1. tessiee

          "you are *just* as qualified to pronounce on this as any other opinionator the GOP is producing"

          There's a play by Aristophanes (the guy who also wrote Lysistrata) called "the Birds", where the birds plan to team up with the humans for world domination.
          Bird 1: But why would the humans want to team up with us?
          Bird 2: Maybe we have something they want?
          Bird 3: As far as I can tell, all the humans care about is money.
          Bird 2: So, we advise them on their investments.
          Bird 1: But what do we know about investments?
          Bird 2: Your predictions are as valid as anybody else's.

          It's also the origin of the term "Cloud Cuckoo Land".

          [yes, I am a geek, I know it]

    1. TxSpinyLizrd

      But, but, I thought Michele Bachmann's campaign was God's will…and then Rick Perry's…
      Is Ceiling Cat unusually fickle these days?

          1. flamingpdog

            I dunno, sounds like their God is a pretty smart dude. It's pretty obvious he despises them as much as we do for their stupidity. Too bad they're all too stupid to realize it.

      1. FROTHY

        You know how cats are. (plays with small, still-alive prey for 20 secs. Loses interest. Naps. Wakes. Eats not-quite-dead-prey. Vomits. Walks away from still-twitching carcass.)

    2. Loaded_Pants

      Fuck. Those two morons were just made for each other. Who knows how stupid they've made their kids from that hoemskoolin.

      1. FROTHY

        I think I'm beginning to see why all these RWNJs create these WingnutWelfare organizations, like Heritage Foundation. All that homeskooling has left them utterly unqualified and unfit to hold an actual job.

    3. cheaphits

      They have kinda cleaned ol' Karen up and streamlined her a little And notice she learned the 'child-as-prop' thing from the Grifter Queen)…the campaign must be bringin' in a few bucks now.

      1. FROTHY

        Santorum has brought in VERY LITTLE MONEY. TPM has a chart showing how much each candidate has raised from individualand corp. donors. Santorum has raised barely half of what the next candidate up the ladder from him has raised. He's got to be running this campaign on credit. Sooner or later the lack of funds will surely force him from the race.

        And Karen Santorum really needs to wash her hair. I have never seen such a greasy-looking woman on a public stage. Can't someone get her a decent haircut-and-wash and some clothes in her size?

    1. tessiee

      Well, usually not with women — or at least not with the kind of women that you don't have to either pay, or blow up with a bicycle pump.

  29. weej_bain

    Weekend OT

    For any Michigan Wonketters, you might consider cross-dressing crossing-over in yer open primary and help to pants Mittens, a magic undies Wikileak so-to-speak. The TPM has a fun bit on this, which the DailyKos is calling Operation Hilarity. You spartan wolverines get a better deal drag voting than here in Washington, since you can do some frothy surge splurging with the elephants on Tuesday and still be able to vote with the DRats in March.

    1. Negropolis

      I will probably be weighing up until the day what I'm going to do. I so badly want to vote for Santorum, but I also don't want my name on lists the parties are going to sell. I wish these were still secret ballots.

  30. swordfis

    Contrarian opinion: Yes, this guy is a dick by definition, but his ironically self-deprecating presentation (he knows what he looks like, after all) puts him a large number of notches about the other Vaginal Probers for Probity. Can you imagine Santorum doing this? (I assume you are cringing already.)

    1. Chichikovovich

      I think that makes him worse. The cutesy-pie "I was a baaaad wittow boy, you caught me wif my hand in the cookie jar" levity suggests someone who gets out of jams by using this faux-self-depreciation as a tactic, rather than admitting fault. And, though he's playing it for (ahem) laughs, he's blaming the demise of the bill on two people:

      a) an opponent of the bill having the poor taste to actually talk on TV about what the bill actually meant. The clear suggestion is that he presented things in a way that those emotional women would just get carried away and not see how rational the men were being.

      b) "The Old Ball and Chain – you know, you can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, know what I'm saying people? – oh, yeah – this guy up front knows what I'm talkin' about – amirite? What's your name — Bill? OK, people let's have a big hand for Bill, he gets it! [scattered applause] Now last night, I was settling in with She Who Must Be Obeyed – there you go, Bill's laughing again – what did I tell ya? He's been there – So I was settling in with She Who Must Be Obeyed – and I mean "settling in" [exaggerated meaningful look to audience] – that's right, the settling in kind of settling in, knowwhatimsaying, and then she's all "do know know what you're forcing women to do with this bill?" — no, not you, Bill, the law-type bill – and then she's all "I am so angry at you, I don't want you to touch me tonight." Now I'm not saying she gets emotional, but I put on a bullet proof vest when I hear that tone. But you know me – dutiful husband – so I troop down to the guest room for the night. And that's why I'm here today [Makes cute baby face - Audience: Aaaawwwww.]….

      Given the choice I'll take a straight-up theocrat like Santorum any time, over someone who wants the same goals, and will work equally assiduously to achieve them, but masks it with lame, responsibility denying frat-nerd humor.

      1. tessiee

        "The cutesy-pie "I was a baaaad wittow boy, you caught me wif my hand in the cookie jar" levity suggests someone who gets out of jams by using this faux-self-depreciation as a tactic, rather than admitting fault."

        I had an ex who used to do this when he fucked up, as if he were asking me for *permission to be naughty*. In certain very limited private settings, that can be a turn-on, but outside the bedroom, it gets really old, really fast.

      2. ShaveTheWhales

        Nicely done, Rumpole, I mean, Chich.

        I'm not sure I agree with your choice, though. This weasel is certainly more embarrassing to listen to (and why are all those other schmucks chuckling?), but I see him as somewhat less of a true believer than His Frothiness.

        Of course, this is like a choice between anthrax and ebola, so perhaps not worthy of much discussion.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Thanx – I'll celebrate the accomplishment with a glass of Chateau Thames Embankment.

          In re: not as bad as Santorum. Maybe you and swordfis are right. I've just had life kick me in the ass too many times for mistakenly taking hail-fellow-well-met jocular bonhomie as a sign of decency or the absence of lunatic fanaticism. Maybe it's made me over-cautious about such types.

          1. FROTHY

            I've enjoyed reading the analysis and comments, but now must put in my two cents. You are correct, I believe. What this person ^^ is saying is not one whit less offensive than what Rick Santorum has been saying. The presentation is designed to reduce the perception of the offensiveness by invoking all those "in-group" social cues that we know so well. The sharing of laughter (that is aimed at reinforcing the perception that the group IS an in-group, that these powerful men who are making these decisions that will affect other people are all in the same boat, and correct about their decisions, etc.), the invoking of the underlying assumptions that then pass unquestioned into the bases of the discussion (women are emotional; they manipulate men by withholding sex; they are incapable of deciding what is to be done about the V-word).

            I b'leev I'll share a glass of said beverage, we're out of plonk in the old homestead.

          2. FROTHY

            Oh, yes, and in my opinion, the Albos of the world are *worse* than the Santorums. The Santorums are crazy and telegraph it from a sufficient distance that you cannot mistake them for nonhostiles. The Albos, with their hail-fellow-well-met cheer and backslappings, their iPod with their very own bow-chicka-wow-wow seduction music — these people are just as sociopathic as those people, but they disguise it better, and people get fooled by the disguise.

            Let us never forget that we are talking about a man, and a group of his fellows, who decided it would be a good idea to have the government re-enact rape upon victims of said rape, while denying those same services to pregnant women who *want* ultrasounds to determine the health of their fetus.

          3. Doktor Zoom

            I respect you greatly, Chichikovovich, but I must express a niggling doubt on one small matter: The chances that this twit would use a Rumpole of the Bailey reference are vanishingly small.

            Like his penis.

          4. FROTHY

            Damn, you sure know how to hit that dood where it hurts. Remind me to tap you when I decide to go all blitzkriegy on the Republicans' ass.

          5. Chichikovovich

            True to the extent that they guy is not really Rumpole-watcher material, and most of the Rumpole stuff is either too subtle or obvious but too genteel for such members of the Cloddish-American community.

            But unlike most Rumpolania, "She Who Must Be Obeyed", seems to have slipped into circulation – I've heard it on the pre-teen oriented TV shows my daughter watches, for example.

      3. Designer_Rants

        Your mock comedy routine retelling was much better than mine (comment above), and you didn't rely heavily on all-caps. Hats off to you, sir. You're a better commenter than I.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Thanks – kind of you to say that. But you shouldn't think in terms of better and worse – Wonkette is such a great place to hang because everyone's funny and brings something unique to the mix.

          The place would be perfect if at least one or two of the trolls were actually funny. Maybe we should ask our generous paymaster George Soros if he'll hire a couple.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Thanx. I'd do it myself, but I've got to drive a bus full of lesbian girl scouts to Planned Parenthood for their monthly abortions. Please pass on my regards and my apologies to Mr. Soros, Bill Ayers, Reverend Wright and Tony Rezko.

    1. FROTHY

      Oh, man, she's *way* too good for him. I hope he's sleeping on the floor of the doghouse for the next month.

      OTOH, if she's anything at all like my ex (and I note a certain resemblance in the EYES OF DEATH RIGHT THERE, dear), she'll kill him slowly for the next six months without ever having to say a word. That woman had the *cats* obeying her. You know how difficult it is to get a *cat* to obey?

        1. FROTHY

          You don't know the ex. We all used to joke about her Patented Laser Death Glare. When Faridah Peeplez was still alive, and after Madame De Farge and I split up, Faridah got very cavalier about climbing on the dining table all uninvited. Since my idea of "disciplining" animals (and children) involves using extreme sarcasm, to which cats are unfortunately immune, she pretty much owned the fucking thing after a few weeks.

          Well, Madame came home for a visit after a year or two. Faridah was on the table and I was running around getting every last benighted speck of dust vacuumed up, since Madame has very high standards, to which she demands the rest of the world conform. Faridah saw her coming up the stairs some 30 feet away, leapt off the table, shot out of the house and refused to come back down the hill until Madame left, a day later. Madame thinks this is hilariously funny, although the furthest concession she made to actually experiencing this emotion was a small curl of the lip.

          I do love my ex, I always will, but she is one hell of an intimidating woman.

  31. freakishlywrong

    OT but I just watched Semper Fi on MSNBC. It's a moving, angering, fantastic doc on the Camp Lejeune fiasco. Master Sgt. Ensminger should run for office, we need people like him in Government. Selfless in the face of personal horrible loss.

      1. tessiee

        There was a story here on teh wonketz a few weeks ago where the Rs ran a picture of an Asian woman wearing a yellow sweater. They had originally captioned it, "Yellow Girl". To their surprise — because they're, you know, idiots — there was objection to this, so they recaptioned it, "Yellow Sweater Girl".

          1. FROTHY

            Can you believe that guy? He's removed every trace of that ad, and every mention of it, now, and he's still 20+ points behind Stabenow.

  32. tessiee

    All together now, fellow wonketeers, and really sing it out!
    *raises arms as if to conduct a choir*
    HAH ha!!

    1. Chichikovovich

      That's a great article – thanks. Bunch of stuff it makes me want to talk about, but I can't spend all day paying my tributes to the classical gods and goddesses of snark. Actual work to do.

      But I couldn't let slip Paul's remark about post WW II, which I hadn't heard. {I know Paul is no hawk, and so this remark applies more to the other people on stage presumably nodding and the people applauding than it does to him}:

      "You know what the government did? They cut the budget by 60 percent. And everybody went back to work again, you didn't need any special programs.

      Obviously this is dumb along an enormous number of linearly independent dimensions (for example the ignoring of the GI Bill, VA health care, etc. that Taibbi notes.) But the sheer unreality of that number. Yes, they cut the budget by 60 percent. But it was not because Truman was some kind of Thatcherite. They had been running a war that had mobilized, in one way or other, virtually the entire country, and which had lasted (the US part in it, that is) three years. And you know what it tells you that the budget was cut that much? It tells you that wars are f**king expensive! That is what it tells you.

      And unless the Republicans are planning to slash the military budget by an amount comparable to the cuts post-WW II [I joke, da, da. You know how Chichikovovich he is devil with the jokes] the spending cuts have nothing to do with anything.

      God, it's like trying to bail a leaky boat with a thimble. Whatever zombie falsehood you may get out of the vessel is replaced tenfold before you can make another pass.

      I sure hope people outside the hopeless 27% are catching on, because I can't take much more of this.

      1. Gainsbourg69

        Don't forget taxes. Young Mr. Grace and Newt completely ignore the role taxes play during the good times.

    2. Designer_Rants

      Basically, they've spent so much time bulshitting themselves that all problems are caused by brown people or liberals or not-devout-enough Christians, that people are starting to say "mmm, I was going along with that for a few decades, but now… Where's your proof?" Conservatives, it's time to face facts: you're part of the problem, especially the people you elect to office.

  33. owhatever

    That was just her latest excuse. She has a different excuse for every night, going back several years. "No, I've got to defrost the freezer." or "Not tonight, I have to finish painting the outhouse." an "Not tonight, my liver hurts." or "OK, but I've got a bad case of the runs."

    You say Virginia, I say Vaginia, you say Vargina, I say Viringa, you say Viagra, I say Purina, let's call the whole thing off.

    And, you lost the war. Also.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      A liberal blog out of Alabama about a GOP poll done by a black University with a title straight up made for Wonkers about Rick's continuing destruction of the R-party? I like it!

  34. Doktor Zoom

    OT: Area Man successfully transfers guts of pathetic computer to new case with awesome graphics card, temporarily impresses 14-year-old son.

    In a related development, Area 14 Year Old vanishes into Assassin's Creed II for rest of weekend.

  35. JohnnyBrooklyn

    "So I snuck out of the house while my wife was asleep and met my aide, and very dear friend, Steve."

  36. RavenRant

    Anyone else notice that these ultra-religious, mega-moral, holier-than-thou types all got the porn 'joke' instantly, and laughed uproariously?

    Sexual morality = something to be imposed on dirty, slutty wimmin and their nasty, disgusting lady parts. Men are free to do whatever they like with their bits. Just as God intended it.

    1. RadioSBJ

      Well, Chet, that was the Worst. Porn. Ever. I think we are all a little bit off our games after watching that. C'mon FROTHY, you can call me dood a 1,000 times.

      1. FROTHY

        Since you're so game, old chum, and willing to be called "Dood" in public, yet, I think I should give you an explanation of the origins of "dood." Warning: it's boring. Honest.

        See, in many North Indian languages, "doodh" is the word for "milk." As you probably already know, most Norteamericanos have difficulty with the soft dental d, which doesn't exist in the English language, and the *aspirated* dental h, well, we won't even go into that. The little Indian-born scalawags in language classes had the best time in the world making up sentences that included the word "doodh" just to torment their American-born compatriots who couldn't help "dood"-ing every time.

          1. FROTHY

            HAHAHA! Sorry to do this to ya, Chet, but aforesaid Indian language classes were taking place here in the USA. You don't think little Indian-born Indian kids go to classes to learn their OWN language, do ya? No, this was to teach the little American-born kids their native tongue and the little Indian kids got dragged in there because their parents were terrified that they would forget how to speak to the grandparents and other relatives.

            I grew up speaking five languages, at least two of which are Indian languages, and one, obviously, is English. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you, dood, but think of it this way: We're BOTH having so much fun! Oh, and I learned to speak and write English mainly from books, since, in my native land, we speak a creole that most native English speakers are hard put indeed to understand. Just about the first thing native speakers say to me (which really makes me want to slap the shit out of them) is, "You speak English SO WELL." As if it were any kind of effort. I'd like to see them speak any Asian language as well as I speak English. (No, not you fuckers here at Wonketz who seem to speak every known language under the sun. And yes, I'm looking at you, User-of-Owls.)

          2. FROTHY

            This IS fun, isn't it? I have a whole slew of books on the Indians in the West Indies. So many of them have intermarried with the native people and with those of African descent who were brought there. But if you ask your Fijian or Trinidadian Indian friends if they have African relatives, they will deny it. Even while showing you family pictures that include some DEFINITELY African-looking relatives.

            I have lots of relatives who could pass for Chinese or European, and many many dark-skinned rellies. But no, not the Caribbean.

          3. Chet Kincaid

            Pompous little Harvard Skip Gates just did a whole PBS series on Africans in Latin America, most of which could be summed up by saying, "We don't talk about African Great-Great Granny!!"

    2. imissopus

      Everyone's still spent from last weekend. They need more time before they are ready to go again. This thread is the Wonkette equivalent of "Let's just cuddle a little longer."

      1. RadioSBJ

        Or like the good old days, smoking a cigarette.
        Maybe we need a little Cialis and a couple of bathtubs in the middle of nowhere.

    3. FROTHY

      Man, I got stuff to do, I finally got over the surgery, the enforced bed-rest and the fucking pain medication. I can't do that stuff no moah. It's bad enough I'm supposed to be sitting here working and keep getting distracted by that fucking mail alert.

        1. FROTHY

          I have my mail tool set up to tell me when Wonketteers respond to my comments so I can rush right over and BRUTE-FORCE reply to them before they regain their senses. Very distracting. Not recommended for those actually trying to get work done.

          ETA: Forgot your morning hug, Fukui-chan! Consider yourself hugged, fella.

      1. RadioSBJ

        No matter FROTHY, even when you were recovering and blurry eyed, you were and always will be a force behind this enterprise. Barb is the shock and you are our awe. We'll take whatever you got.

          1. RadioSBJ

            I like hugs. And if Santorum and his ilk get their way and succor a theocracy, then polygamy will be allowed again. I'm sure Mrs. Radio would be totally cool with that…well, after she gets over that whole Women's Studies and The Handmaid's Tale thing.

          2. FROTHY

            Not likely to happen, buddy! Teh laydz, they don't like the men to stray far. I'm lucky to have not one but TWO partners who don't mind the sharing. Of course, TWO relationships is way more work than one, but hey.

  37. Douché

    I can't believe that this douche-bag, A. Decided this was funny enough to share with his fellow law makers and B. Thinks his wifes anger isn't more of a reason to just question his whole fucking outlook. This guy may simply be the dumbest fuck I've ever had to fucking witness.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      C. Apparently either assumes his wife will never hear about this, or that she will find his sharing of this "hilarious" story to be hilarious. I'ma think he better hope it's the former.

      1. FROTHY

        I'm thinking he might as well change his name to Lackanookie, because he'll be lucky if his wife allows him to ever again even LAUNDER her panties. Shit, I got in years' worth of trouble just for some smartass remark about certain people being affected by the moon and the tides.

  38. sati_demise

    Not the porn music, not the chuckling, but the combo of that and his YAWNING HIGH SCHOOL MOVE description of putting his arm around his 'wife'. ack
    He still has to do this in order to get some?

    But then again, she may be a Praying Mantis, so caution might be warranted.

  39. tessiee

    Albo then went on to regale his colleagues with a real knee-slapper about how his son's school cafeteria offers students sandwiches and fruit.

    1. Negropolis

      The problem with this being seen as a victory for us is that it was so far too the right, than even the "compromise" isn't really a compromise. We're still getting medically unnecessary ultrasounds out of this, the only difference is that they've cut out the most invasive part. This is still very much an extreme law, one that may be par for the course in the anti-abortion movement, but one that is still scary.

      He may have did a complete 180 on a particular procedure in the bill, but it's still a net gain for the crazies. This may not be a three pointer, but it's still at least a free throw. I guess this is what you get with a governor, though, that told you he hated women. His college papers weren't a secret.

      1. Gainsbourg69

        I see this as only a temporary victory for the crazies. For one thing, the amount of outrage this bill caused will discourage republicans in moderate states from adopting measures as insane as these and it may also encourage the democratic party to fight back on an issue which they've always thought was a loser for them. Further, McDonell is pretty much done as far as national politics are concerned. This is a huge blow for the republicans since he is right up there with Marco Rubio as one of their movement's rising stars and their bench continues to get thinner by the week.

        1. RadioSBJ

          Well, what's highly unusual about the Virgin state is that it has Northern
          Virginia to deal with. A highly educated, affluent, multi-cultural force that pays a largely disproportionate share of the revenues for the state. Throw in Richmond and the Tidewater region and the hicks and teabaggers are always a simple majority away from being put in their place.

        2. Negropolis

          Politically, that may be the case, but policy-wise, we still lose. This stuff doesn't ever get overturned, even when we get elected. So, Dems may benefit from its, politically, but we the people don't ever benefit from social policy reversals. I'm very close to the point of being tired of winning the battle, but forever losing the war.

          What good is it for Dems to "win" on this issue, if women as still having to get unnecessary ultrasounds even when they are in office? Same thing on gun restrictions. Republicans come in an loosen them, Dems run against the loosening restrictions, win, and then nothing happens. We could go on and on and on on a whole host of issues.

          This isn't to pretend that the GOP isn't bat-shit crazy, but I don't see how the other side always winning 2/3 of an argument, while we're constantly left defending a third can be considered progress. We're not even able to draw them to a tie on a lot of things.

          1. Negropolis

            No, it really isn't too early. Tell me of aanother state that has repealed pre-abortion ultrasounds. Honestly, name me one. I'm really not sure why you're trying so hard. I'm just talking empirical evidence, here.

            There is optimism, and then there is willful delusion.

      2. RadioSBJ

        N, I think you could easily extrapolate your argument to the whole political scene of the last 25-30 years. The political discourse in this country has been pushed so far to the right , that any "progressive" thought is a pathetic, embarrassing compromise.
        1. A 3-4% marginal tax rate on the rich? i.e. getting rid of the Bush/Obama tax cuts, instead becomes a petty bribe with this payroll tax cut crap that comes out of Social Security.
        2. Obamacare, fuck that. It pushes us farther away from a single payer system, it only adds more bureaucracy to the system, and entrenches the health insurance AND health care systems. There is a reason that we pay three times what Canada pays for our mediocre results, and this piss poor compromise does nothing to improve that.
        3. Defense. The budget is double what it was in 2000, and Obama makes a modest cut, and, of course, he is hollowing out the military, and weak on defense and blah, blah, blah. All the while the whole thing is never seen for what it is: SOCIALISM.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Ah, yes. Bring on the peace and the humanitarian aid when someone discovers oil in a country that otherwise the so-called "first world" nations didn't give a shit about until some geologist pushes the "oil" button. Christ, maybe they'll discover oil in Florida and the British government will start sending humanitarian aid here, but I guess they'd have to fight the US first. (Andrew Jackson, anyone?)

      Is there any oil in Cuba?

  40. Jukesgrrl

    OT: Anyone want to take bets on how many new jaw-dropping revelations will come out about Sen. Mix this weekend? He hit the jackpot on Friday:

    1. No one should send their kids to college, or even contribute to secular higher ed, because it's where the young are forced to lose their faith. (Just for the record, I lost mine in sixth grade and I went to a rather conservative school.)

    2. The Dutch are euthanizing 10% of their elderly, and half of the 10% didn't want to die. (Love the touch about the "don't kill me bracelets.")

    3. Mrs. Frothy told Glenn Beck that the passage of "Obamacare" was what inspired her to join Rick in his quest for the presidency. "Because we have as you know a little angel, little Bella, special needs little girl, and when Obamacare passed, that was it, that put the fire in my belly.” As if her idea that "Obamacare" will endanger little Bella wasn't enough, Rick just had to chime in with the charge that the health care law is designed to ration care based on the "usefulness" of an individual. Their comments were so outrageous even Forbes magazine published an opinion piece refuting the statements. http://www.forbes.com/sites/rickungar/2012/02/25/

    4. His campaign is sponsoring a "Rick Santorum for President 2012" car, to be driven by Tony Raines in the Daytona 500.

    1. poncho_pilot

      in regards to #1, thinking the religion thing through to its logical conclusions often has that effect. sorry, Lt. Col. Froth E. Mix. i lost mine in high school but i think i knew for a few years and i had to accept it.

    2. Negropolis

      LOL, before I got to #4, I was going to say:

      "And, meanwhile, Mitt Romney will hold a speech at Dayton Speedway that will be witnessed by 150 people."

      Because, I think it must be a rule that when one of Romney's opponents fucks up, Mitt has to go off and do something stupid, too, to cancel out the the advantage he'd have otherwise received.

    3. Fukui-sanYesOta

      #3

      I've seen and been involved with the NHS in the UK. The *lies* which are put out about socialised medicine are vicious and untrue.

      The lies that are put out about usefulness and so on? My grandmother lived to 96 in chronic pain and mental stress from 88 onwards.

      It is a lie. Lie lie lie about socialised medicine.

      Of course, the Affordable Care Act has NOTHING TO DO with socialised medicine anyway.

      I hope these fucks experience a traumatic event which requires them to see when they're not covered. Cunts.

      1. FROTHY

        My late mother lived in a country with socialized medicine (a mix of government- and private- health insurance, with the government setting basic rates for medical services of the most-utilized types, e.g., well-baby care, prenatal care, regular screenings, etc. Her last illness was a flu-type respiratory ailment that was exacerbated by the fact that multiple small strokes had caused her to lose all mobility (this is what kills the elderly and bedridden, most often: pneumonia as a result of aspirating food/liquid). They sent her to the nearest geriatric hospital (there are several that specialize in geriatric care, as befits an aging population) the minute she registered a rise in temperature and evidence of an illness. The doctors put her in a private room, hooked up to the most modern equipment money can buy. They cured her in a week, but decided to hold her for an additional week, to be SURE that she wouldn't face problems as a result of a lengthy period of immobility (enrolled her in physical therapy, had her exercised against her will, etc.). She died peacefully in her sleep after polishing off a very impressive breakfast. The bill ran into six figures, and when it arrived I just about died right where I was standing, trying to figure out how I was going to pay it. Then I got to the last page. It stated: Paid by insurance: (entire amount).

        I am so grateful to socialized medicine for taking care of my mother her entire life and not costing me a single penny for the amazing care they gave her.

    4. RadioSBJ

      #1 I lost my faith virginity around 5th grade, upon reading 2001: A Space Odyssey while being a fractional Jew in a Catholic school.
      #2 Where can I get one of those bracelets?
      #3 con voce Obama: "No body pulled the plug on Bella". And what Fukui said times a 100. Especially the part about Obamacare having NOTHING to do with a single payer system.
      #4 Is said Racer Rick car going to pull out all of the safety features that have been mandated and regulated from the tyrannical Obama administration and have shackled the free market (Monopoly) NASCAR?
      And if the president sponsored a car would it be called the Obamacar?

      1. FROTHY

        How does someone get to be a fractional Jew, mein kind? Are you sure you don't mean "a fractious Jew"? 'Cause, you know, your people sure do have a tendency to be fractious, dood.

    5. Doktor Zoom

      #3–wow, that's good. In Forbes, no less.

      Now, maybe a discussion of why a flat tax would make the deficit explode?

          1. Loaded_Pants

            My partner brought it home from his trip to DC in early Feb. He went to a showing of "Albert Nobbs" in a theater where half the people attending were coughing up pieces of their lungs.
            But it seems to be going around in our neighborhood. I usually visit my favorite corner market everyday. Two different girls working this weekend were coughing their heads off.
            It's not the flu, though. No fever & I haven't felt achy. Just a nasty cold. I usually get one every winter but this one is the nastiest I've had in awhile.
            Can you believe that I've never had the flu? I joke that it's thanks to my freaky genes. Never even caught it as a kid when my dad got it & nearly died (he was so sick that I had to go out, in over a foot of snow, to feed the animals because he couldn't–my father was someone who worked no matter what, so if he couldn't do it, you knew he was seriously sick).

          2. FROTHY

            Wow. Don't tell ANYbody that or they'll lock you up in that nasty big room under the Pentagon and start siphoning off your blood for testing, sweetie. I hope your partner's doing penance by moistening your lips with drops of broth (among other things) in your hour of need. (Hugs Loaded) Good thing partner is there to take care of you, at least.

          3. flamingpdog

            I've never had the flu, either. The doctor finally gave up suggesting I have a flu shot because I was getting to be one of the oldz – I'm not opposed to immunizations, but why risk the minor chance of giving yourself something you've never had. Never had the measles, either. Now if I just could have been blessed with natural immunity against lower digestive tract disorders …

          4. FROTHY

            I could fix what's ailing you with my special cooking, dood. But U R not my naybor. Unfortunately.

            You know the best way to deal with this (you should, you're a scientist). Start with the blandest diet you can think of – plain boiled or steamed white rice and boiled or grilled chicken thigh. Eat that for three or four days and then SLOWLY begin adding things to this basic recipe. No frying, no fried foods, no additives whatsoever. Add things back one at a time, and give each new item added two or three days before adding the next.

            Sooner or later, this elementary sleuthing will discover whatever's ailing ya. (Hugs the pdog most affectionately) If you wuz my neighbour, I'd do this for you, just because I love you, sweetie. But I'm not, so please do it for yourself. It really bothers me that you're suffering with this.

          5. flamingpdog

            Thanks for the concern, (gulp) Frothy. Trust me, I've been doing this off and on for years. Mainly the issue is anxiety. Paxil (for depression/anxiety) is the best thing I've ever taken for my intestinal tract ails.

          6. FROTHY

            Aww! (Don't worry, sweetie, being loved by gay people won't turn you gay.) What can we do about your anxiety, sweetie? Have you tried yoga/meditation/all-that-New-Agey-shit? I'm as cynical as they come, but there's plenty of hard evidence in favour of those. Also you might want to consider acupressure/massage. I'm sure you could do with a massage. And I bet there's some pretty ladies out there who would be happy to, um, help. Eh?

    1. paris biltong

      I understand the the Washington Monument will also be transformed into a minaret. Read it on the Yahoo, must be true.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Actually, the first page of Yahoo comments right now is about 3:1 supporting the lunatic poster. I find it very worrying that there are even fifteen or twenty people in the country that are so hateful and/or stupid.

        1. not that Dewey

          Yes. I see now that I was too quick to give the Yahoos credit for their apparent reasonableness.

          HAROLDH • 4 hrs ago

          If anyone ever took the time to watch that non american coon that calls himself president speak at a news confrence you would see that its true there is no american flag present and if relected there will no longer be a flag or national anthem as we know it also the bill of rights will no longer exist and the constitution will also change the american people will only have the rights that king obama will let them have

          Billy • Dallas, Texas • 3 hrs ago

          I don't care if it's true or not, this #$%$ mf needs to go before he ruins this country beyond repair. that goes for all his cronies and you sick oafbummer lovers, too. AMERICA IS FOR AMERICANS!!!

      2. BlueStateLibel

        I love those photos of the presidents they used. Dubya looks completely befuddled, Clinton looks as if he wish he had gone into a monastery, Regan looks embalmed.

        And by the way, only people with flags behind them are REAL AMERICANS!

  41. Negropolis

    OT: Oh, yes:

    Washington— The United Auto Workers will fly a banner over the Daytona 500 NASCAR race on Sunday, reminding voters of former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney's opposition to the auto bailout.

    The Detroit-based union will pay to fly a plane and banner from 10:30-11:30 a.m. that will read "Mitt Romney: Let Detroit Go Bankrupt" — a reference to a headline on a November 2008 New York Times op-ed that Romney wrote opposing a U.S. bailout of General Motors and Chrysler. The union also protested Romney's appearance on Friday at Ford Field in Detroit.

    In the Daytona 500, 31 of 43 cars racing are made by one of Detroit's Big Three automakers.

    GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who has criticized Romney for supporting the Wall Street bailout but opposing the auto bailout, is sponsoring a car at the race — Front Row Motorsports Car #26, a Ford Fusion driven by Tony Raines.

    Tone deaf bastard is tone deaf.

    You know, I can't wait until spring comes and the Occupy camps are born, anew. Romney has not even seen the beginning of this, yet. I can tell you that in my city, the Occupiers have simply been hibernating having vowed to return when the weather gets better. The UAW is also planning a very active spring when they will formally join with Occupy…

  42. Chet Kincaid

    Wait, I've figured it out! This guy's "bit" is to be the middle-aged, male Sarah Silverman! Being astonishingly offensive, insincere and violative of his wife's privacy while placing a figurative beer can on the heads of millions of women is so disgusting it must be meta-comedy!

    He sucks at it.

  43. Barrelhse

    Another example of Santorum's chauvanistic world view. I'm certain this is based on the philosophy that Christians are the true believers and all others deserve no acknowledgement of their legitimacy. I was going to say that I'm really sick of Rick Santorum, but then I realized I'm already sick of all of them. Gonna be a long summer. http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM

    1. Gainsbourg69

      Eight more Americans have been injured by the mob protesting the burnt Qurans and all the GOP want to do is score political points. It's a shame.

    2. Chichikovovich

      American and other NATO soldiers are distributed throughout that country, in some parts thinly distributed. The country has a long history of making life unpleasant for occupiers – witness the last super-power that decided to vacation there. Since American troops are nominally allied with Afghan government forces, they are constantly exposed to people who would be in a good position to kill them if they chose to. The populace is armed to the teeth. The opponents have religious ties to our nominal "allies" and to the unaligned parts of the population, if there are any at this point, while we do not. They border a large, militant country with whom they have had chilly relations because they practice different brands of Islam, but these are differences that could be transcended if Islam itself were perceived to be under attack. There are also many western aid workers in the country. If a sequence of events that started small were to be fanned and grow out of control, with the result that a huge majority of the population, (including many of the Afghan policemen and soldiers officially on "our side") were to rise up aggressively against the US and NATO, the immediate loss of life to us and our allies – both civilian and military – would be immense, whether or not our firepower would allow us to "win" in the end.

      It's reassuring to know that in these circumstances, a President Romney's or a President Santorum's official response would be: "Look, I said it was a goddamned accident! If you can't accept that, go fuck yourself, moon-god worshipers."

  44. SexySmurf

    OT Snowbilly just received a Razzie nomination for her "performance" in The Undefeated. Can't say liberal Hollywood never gave her anything.

  45. Crowe2011

    Man's wife refuses to sleep with him because he ordered a mass rape; is that so surprising? I guess I suppose it's surprising that it's happening now, rather than in 1940's Germany.

    (PS – For all those 'is rape a bad metaphor?' people; where I come from non-consensual vaginal penetration is rape under the law. So I'm talking literally here).

    1. FROTHY

      When you hear some ancient doddering godbag whining on about how he is being "spiritually raped" by being forced to permit abortions for the filthy sluts who lost the aspirins between their knees, then you realize that the rape metaphor has already been raped and sodomized to death by these morons. And, as you so aptly point out, this is actual, literal rape we're discussing here: the penetration of a woman's vagina without her consent and against her will. I can't wait to hear how the inability to actually physically rape these poor women a second time somehow constitutes spiritual rape upon the men attempting to force this pain and humiliation upon them.

      These men must never have known any women. Because EVERY SINGLE WOMAN that I know has some kind of story about rape, attempted rape, molestation, sexual assault, groping, or sexual harrassment. Now, it's quite possible that the group of women I know are not typical or representative at all, having been selected without an eye to actual statistical sampling and study. But I've read enough stats about rape from the DoJ and the domestic violence prevention organizations I've worked with to know that it is not an insignificant problem and very severely underreported.

    1. RadioSBJ

      Congrats DF.
      I like that line on the cover: "Creative Destruction is Good for the Economy." I have a feeling this isn't going to be the last time we hear such hogwash.

      1. not that Dewey

        I'm so glad you posted that. What did you call it? The "Meaningless Achievement Club"?

        Suzie was watching Gnomeo and Juliet, an incredibly lame movie that somehow lured many talented actors into its cast. I was absently watching, no doubt wasting time on these pages, when this entered my consciousness. It has a couple of good moments ("YOUR LAWN WILL BE AFRAID TO GROW"), and required a couple of repeated watchings until I could believe what I was hearing/seeing.

        From what I can gather, it is not Picnicface, but rather Hulk Hogan and the Gnomeo producers riffing on the theme without attribution.

  46. mavenmaven

    OT: Santorum wants to "throw up" over the idea of the separation of church and state, which is odd since until now, he simply spread Santorum over all other aspects of US democracy.

  47. Jukesgrrl

    Yowza! Former Sen. Frothy Mix did not disappoint me. Here he is on ABC this morning:

    "I don't believe in an America where the separation of church and state are absolute," [Santorum] told 'This Week' host George Stephanopoulos. "The idea that the church can have no influence or no involvement in the operation of the state is absolutely antithetical to the objectives and vision of our country…to say that people of faith have no role in the public square? You bet that makes me want to throw up."

    (I could do without the visual, but he just HAS to go there.)

    1. Chichikovovich

      All right! So that means we can tax 'em, right? And when members of the priesthood cover up the rape of little boys, they'll see hard time?

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        Amen to both things, Chich. Re the priesthood, I do not understand why these guys are not serving a lot of hard time (probably really hard time) now. Santorum makes a lot of people throw up so I'm glad to know that he's joining us. Running at both ends, huh, Ricky boy?

    2. Gainsbourg69

      Someone should ask Rick which Christian sect he believes should be most involved in government. That should shut him up for a while.

    3. Loaded_Pants

      I would love to have a time machine to bring Tom Jefferson into the future to debate this asshole. 45 seconds into the debate, Ol' Tom's logic would drive Frothy Sweatervest to run off-stage into the arms of Karen (aka "Mommy!").

      1. flamingpdog

        Frothy would just call him a fraud, just like the Teatards and other hate-Christians would call Jesus Christ a fraud if he actually came back and preached what he preached 2000 years ago.

    1. paris biltong

      What they say about NASCAR not being quite as awful as its rabid fans would suggest is interesting if not entirely surprising. Hockey players are not necessarily as stupid as hockey fans, for instance. It leaves unanswered such questions as whether Santorum is smarter than his base, however. Not that it would be very difficult.

      1. not that Dewey

        This here was a fine symphony of salt air, longneck Buds, an old Ken Schrader cardboard stand-up awkwardly holding a package of Little Debbie snack cakes, cheap wigs, Kasey Kahne posters, Lady Gaga lyrics…

        je je! Sports writers can often deliver. Fuckin Earl Warren was right about at least one thing.

        It leaves unanswerable such questions. We will never know the exact boundary of cynicism/ignorance which these fuckers straddle. From a purely pragmatic, results-oriented perspective, these fuckin Republican candidates sure know how to manipulate the "journalists". Santorum, Gingrich, Romney can say any shit and Stephanopolous, Gregory, Zakaria, even Amanpour — they will all fuckin parrot the line. Journalism (well, and advertising, too) is a far more pressing problem than politics. Politics is as it ever was. Fuckin Journalism carries around this legacy of having once been something, and now our Laurels will justify and rationalize everything we do from here on out. I once toyed with J-school. I came to the realization that, given the choice between being a Talking Head and having my life's work shit on by Talking Heads, I'll take my chances with engineering.

        Guh.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Can the frothy mixture be any stupider? Dumb shit should read a little about American political history. In the past, Catholic candidates routinely faced baseless accusations that they would take orders from the Vatican, and JFK had to deal with the same prejudice. The frothy mixture is just a disgrace to Catholics, men, and humanity, ugh.

        1. BlueStateLibel

          Not sure I understand, but the frothy mix seems to be saying he would take orders from the Vatican, and is berating JFK, whose boot's he's not fit to lick, was wrong because he would not.

    2. not that Dewey

      Suck on this, Santorum:

      "Faced with the election of a Catholic," Peale declared, "our culture is at stake."[7] In a written manifesto Peale and his group also declared JFK would serve the interests of the Catholic church before the interests of the United States: "It is inconceivable that a Roman Catholic president would not be under extreme pressure by the hierarchy of his church to accede to its policies with respect to foreign interests," and that the election of a Catholic might even end free speech in America.
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norman_Vincent_Peale

    3. Designer_Rants

      I think I found this article on my Google Reader last night, so not just reprinting another Wonketeer's link….:

      Christian Dominionists and Foster Friess.
      According to Papantonio, the Republicans' appeal to the dominionists is their last straw because other methods did not work. "They're back to their Ralph Reed, Lee Atwater fundamentalist standby and it's this — it is 'we're more holy than the Democrats. We're more holy than Obama. And Santorum, Ed, has become their pitchman."

      Foster Friess who recently made the "aspirin as a form of contraceptive" remark and is a major backer of Santorum is, according to Papantonio, "is a freak" whose message is "We're holier than you. Public schools are failing institutions so children are better off home schooled where they don't have to talk about things like evolution and global climate change or racism. It's where every part of the bible can be taught in school except the Sermon on the Mount or the Beatitudes where we teach people how to treat people. It's called dominion religion, Ed, you're going to start seeing it a lot more, they use it to exploit everything that brings out the worst of Christianity."

      Referring to Santorum's remarks that Obama's environmental policies are part of a "theology that's not biblical," Papantonio observed, "If you think about what Santorum is saying right now, about Obama being the wrong kind of Christian, he's saying that under dominion religion, we can use and we can exploit everything on earth because the Apocalypse is coming." http://bit.ly/wCHbpn

  48. not that Dewey

    Also OT: There's a new email from OfA going around, asking us delinquent 2008 supporters why we haven't donated again yet in 2012. I have actually written to them many times, offering my unsolicited reasons why I haven't given yet (Bradley Manning, unprosecuted banksters, drones, war crimes, lack of Keynesianism, etc, although I still consider myself a "supporter"), but they never responded. Until now.

    This is an opportunity for us to do something constructive with our frustration, now that they are asking why we are not donating.

    Dear [redacted] —

    As you may have noticed, we've asked you for a donation a few times now.

    But according to our records, you haven't yet made an online donation to this
    campaign at this email address. (If our records are wrong, I apologize and thank
    you!)

    I'm not writing to ask you for money again. I'm actually writing to ask your opinion about why you haven't given, and what you think would inspire you or other Obama supporters like you to decide to take the leap and donate.

    We have two quick questions for you. Can you take a minute to answer
    them?
    http://my.barackobama.com/Your-Support-In-2012h

    There's a good reason we're asking for your feedback: The kind of organization we all decided to be a part of only works if people like you pitch in to build it.

    It's also the reason no other candidate has been able to match our level of grassroots support. This isn't the easiest way to run a campaign — but we know it's the right way.

    That's why we want to know what you're thinking.

    Please take a minute to answer these two questions today.

    1. paris biltong

      When did you last beat your wife?
      How often do you beat your wife?
      Do you enjoy beating your wife?
      Are you planning to continue beating your wife?
      Are you planning to stop beating your wife?
      Other (please specify)
      Tell us what would make you want to stop beating your wife.

      1. imissopus

        It's also possible people aren't feeling the urgency they felt at this point in 2008, when he was in a hotly contested primary fight with Hills, and things will pick up as the GOP nomination picture sorts out a little more.

        1. Negropolis

          To put some things into perspective. Here is what each of these two candidates have raised since the beginning of their campaigns:

          Obama: $151.4 million
          Romney: $64 million

          The president probably won't raise what he raised in 2008. At least, not directly. But, I really don't get all of the hand-wringing. Even when Romney is in a one-on-one, he's not going to catch up in the (direct) money race. He's going to have to have the superPACs just to give him a fighting chance.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Holden: You're on a highway, driving along the asphalt, when all of a sudden you look up…
        Mitt: What one?
        Holden: What?
        Mitt: What highway?
        Holden: It doesn't make any difference what highway, it's completely hypothetical.
        Mitt: But, how come I'd be there?
        Holden: Maybe you're fed up. Maybe you want to go on vacation. Who knows? You look up and see watery fecal material, Mitt. It's running along the windshield in front of you…
        Mitt: Fecal material? What's that?
        Holden: [irritated by Leon's interruptions] You know what dogcrap is?
        Mitt: Of course!
        Holden: Same thing.
        Mitt: I've never seen dogcrap on a windshield… But I understand what you mean.
        Holden: You step and you hose the fecal material off, Mitt.
        Mitt: Do you make up these questions, Mr. Holden? Or do they write 'em down for you?
        Holden: The dog that crapped this crap is up on the roof, shivering from the freezing wind, scratching the crate trying to escape, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping.
        Mitt: [angry at the suggestion] What do you mean, I'm not helping?
        Holden: I mean: you're not helping! Why is that, Mitt?
        [Mitt has become visibly shaken]
        Holden: They're just questions, Mitt. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response… Shall we continue?

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Do any of these fucks know what the hell they are saying? I have never seen so many candidates who seem to be determined to turn off as many potential supporters/voters as these twits. Does Romney really think that most Americans are multimillionaires like him & his spoiled klan?

  49. NYNYNYjr

    OT: What's the healthiest brand of Gerbil food? (I mean other than Health-Plus, he refuses to eat that, probably the seaweedy-smell).

    1. Jukesgrrl

      And the Academy Award for Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git goes to Dave Albo.

      I wonder if the "highly educated" voters of Northern Virginia are happy with their choice. With the issues being schools, transportation, off-shore drilling, and base realignment, I wonder if they think his interest in lady-parts is in THEIR interest.

      1. FROTHY

        I can tell you that, regardless of their politics, the highly educated residents of the state, a significant portion of whom are female, would greatly resent this kind of grandstanding political bullshit.

    2. flamingpdog

      Albo, who plays his guitar for relaxation, is married to Rita Albo, and the couple adopted their six-year-old son, Ben, in 2005.

      So maybe he was lying. Maybe they've never had sex?

    3. not that Dewey

      On the issues

      On base closures, on transportation, on school renovations, on everything EXCEPT trans-vaginal probing. No reelection brochure talking point for THAT, huh?

  50. lulzmonger

    An apology should indeed be given to this Albo choad – & it should include the phrase "he who smelt it, dealt it" as a fundamental caveat.

    No, Virginia, there is no Uterine Sovereignty clause.

  51. tessiee

    This story got 600-some comments.
    Last weekend's story got, what, 2000?
    My conclusion:
    Fat jerks do not have quite the same drawing power as threats of GOP mass suicide and/or killer sheep.

  52. Chichikovovich

    Just because Santorum comes from the Central Casting list of Torquemadas doesn't mean that this guy wouldn't be enthusiastic when it came time for the burning. Only he'd chuckle about it, and make global warming jokes as the flames rose.

  53. Dudleydidwrong

    Old John Phillip, out in front and waving that wand. Always got a rise out of his men.

    You might also have included "March of the Mitten Men" and "Transit of Venus." There are a couple of others with some double entendre names from the old band days but I can't remember them.

Comments are closed.