Burning the midnight oil, moving the Computer Mouse over the Online.Mr. Gordon Warren Epperly — of the PO Box 34358, Juneau, Alaska Epperlies — can expect a lengthy and almost certainly inappropriate phone call from pearlescent loony Orly Taitz, and maybe, too, an honorary DDS/JD she will print on discontinued “Certificate of Participation” cardstock from the Office Depot. What in blazes for, you may ask. It’s because Epperly is really pushing the envelope on goofball schemes to invalidate Kenyan interloper Barack Obama’s entire presidency/personhood, using our liberal activist court system, naturally. Whereas Dr. Orly Taitz, Esquire, settled for making up some nonsense about Obama not being born on real American soil to real American parents, Epperly is straight-up skipping that bit of politesse, to crow in the general direction of the Alaska State Division of Elections, “BUNK THAT! THAT PRESIDENT IS NOT WHITE, Y’ALL!!!”

Epperly is trying to prevent Obama from appearing on the ballot in Alaska, because of the Constitution, a sacred and unalterable document which, in his estimation, only gave “Negroes” and “mulattos” civil rights, not political rights:

Barack Hussein Obama II is not a “natural born Citizen” of the United States

As stated above, for an Individual to be a Candidate for the Office of President of the United States, the Candidate must meet the qualifications as set forth in the United States Constitution and one of those qualifications is that the Candidate shall be a “natural born Citizen” of the United States. As Barack Hussein Obama II is of the “Mulatto” race, his status of citizenship is founded upon the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Before the [purported] ratification of the Fourteenth Amendment, the race of “Negro” or “Mulatto” had no standing to be citizens of the United States under the United States Constitution. /1

As the Fourteenth Amendment is only a grant of “Civil Rights” and not a grant of “Political Rights,” Barack Hussein Obama II does not have any “Political Rights” under any provision of the United States Constitution to hold any Public Office of the United States government. Furthermore, there is considerable debate within the enclosed supporting documents that shows Barack Hussein Obama II was not born on the soil of the United States and that he was not subject to the jurisdiction of the United States at the time of his birth. If this is true, it would appear that Barack Hussein Obama II may not only be in want of having the status of being a “natural born Citizen,” but he may not even be a “citizen of the United States.” Being absent of proper status of Citizenship, Barack Hussein Obama II, nor his Delegates, have the qualifications to appear on the Election Ballots for the State of Alaska.

This goes on for ten pages, folks, which is about ten pages past our attention span. So help us out, would-be Orly Taitzes. Are the rest of the arguments in Epperly’s filing as totally impregnable as this one? More importantly, was the Fourteenth Amendment only purportedly ratified and how is this going to screw up the numbering on all the following amendments (if any of them are even valid)? [Turning Left]

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  • And then they say teh brownz are the ones with entitlement problems…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "This goes on for ten pages, folks, which is about ten pages past our attention span."

    Three sentences was about all I could manage.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, quadroons and octoroons.

    • MrFizzy


    • Advn2rgirl

      "This little cookie here's a macaroon,
      That big round thing's
      A red balloon.
      And the paper down here's called the Picayune
      And here's a New Orleans tune," also.

      • ph7

        Let's put Gordon Epperly on the Dixie Flyer.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      What about the hexa-decimaloons…?

      • bagofmice

        0xF8-loon LIBEL!

    • Ramon X


  • prommie

    He's just saying what everyone else is thinking, but won't say out loud. Everybody else in the tea party, I mean.

    • Baconzgood

      Or with blunt force trauma to the head… that I think of it that statment kinda splits hairs.

    • GOPCrusher

      Why, that racist just to suggest that.
      Always playing the race card.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I automatically assumed that the "Alaskan Idiot" in question was Sarah Palin. I'm somewhat disappointed.

    • prommie

      Apparently Alaska has many.

    • Not_So_Much

      Any story/sentence that includes her name invariably ends in disappointment.

    • GOPCrusher

      Considering the number of people that live in Alaska, and the Idiot/Population ratio, I also made the assumption that Sarah was the lone Idiot.

  • Obama likes Gelato? I get the hate– it is French after all.

    • cheetojeebus

      Si sbaglia, Gelato è Italiano.

      • Italian, French – potato, potato.

        • finallyhappy

          patata, pomme d'terre

      • CessnaDriver

        It's not 'Merkin, that's all that matters.

    • Gunner Asch

      Pinocchio's dad? How'd he get in the middle of this?

  • Callyson

    And Mr Epperly is doing his part to re – elect Obama. Thank you sir!

  • orygoon

    We never noticed this guy before because those white hoods are so hard to make out in a snowy background.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Barack Hussein Obama II was not born on the soil of the United States and he was not subject to the jurisdiction of the United States at the time of his birth. If this is true,… "

    It's not.

    • Limeylizzie


    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Shhh! He's on a roll."

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Holy shit, the president is part negro? Who knew? This changes everything.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Man, I wish old Gordon had pointed this shit out back in '08. Would have saved us a lot of headaches.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      "Goddarn it, the sheriff is a n-(band plays discordant parp)"
      Yup, that's authentic western gibberish folks….

  • Egregious644

    We don't have to listen to this guy, because Lincoln illegally annexed Alaska. Therefore, all the folks there are Russians.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Not only that, Lincoln did it from the grave, in 1867. Talk about illegal.

      • Egregious644

        Well, there you go then. No wonder Andrew Johnson was impeached! How dare he impersonate Abraham Lincoln making an illegal annexation!

        • GOPCrusher

          Seward's Folly Libel !!1!!111!

  • HempDogbane

    "You must be connected online with the internet in order for the links to work." Damn, this might be why I only have 99p.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Also, too, I think we should all send this nice man a postal card to thank him for pointing this out.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I think we need to locate some "gone postal" cards.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Maybe we could compromise and declare that Obama is only 3/5ths of a President.
    Oh wait, he's only half negro so if my math is correct, that would make him 4/5ths of a President.

    • Mahousu

      That still makes him more than twice what W. was.

    • revmatty

      7/10ths, actually.

    • sewollef

      Well ok then… if Mr Obama is only 70% president, does that mean that only 70% of your vote goes to him? And if that's true, then who gets the the other 30%?

      Or…. or, is it that you can only vote for Mr Obama 70% of the time? And if that's true…. then who does the other 30% of the time belong too?

      See where I'm going with this?

      No? Damn…. I was hoping someone could explain all this to the mathematically-challenged.

  • prommie

    Noone uses that old term "mulatto" anymore. The polite term, according to Rush Limbaugh, is "halfrican."

  • "Sticky Note: Todd Palin's mistress is waiting outside your Meth lab."

  • WinterOuthouse

    What the Fuck is he talking about?

    • James Michael Curley

      From the passage of the 13th and 14th amendment Jim Crow laws were argued to be valid because those amendments did not address voting/political rights. This argument was be put forward by Dixiecrats in 1965 when the Voting Rights Act was being voted on in Congress.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I bet I know what the tailgate of this guy's pickup truck looks like.

  • Baconzgood

    Can he do this? He's from Alaska and Alaska wasn't a state in 1789 when the constitution was ratified.

    Check mate racist loon!

    • emmelemm


    • Chichikovovich

      In fact, it belonged to Russia, where the slaves were white! So I guess he'd better report to the market right away.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Too stupid to provide useful labor. I'm thinking Soylent Green.

      • Chichikovovich

        Addendum: Aw crap. Alexander II freed the serfs in 1861, six years before Alaska was annexed by the US. If only he could have held off for a decade or so.

        (But then, if a 100% American president's slave-freeing is no good, why should some vodka-swilling foreigner's be any better? Somebody should slap this guy in chains just in case. Pending the outcome of litigation. Which will surely be completed in 15-20 years, tops.)

  • Lucidamente1

    And besides, he's only 3/5 of a person.

    • so we need an additional 2/5 of a President?

      • Chichikovovich

        No way are we bringing Bush back into the White House!

  • UW8316154

    I'm at work. Will someone please facebook this guy and report back? Maybe check out his AOL account, if there is still such a thing.

  • SorosBot

    Birthers, you're not supposed to admit that all your conspiracy mongering is just because Obama's black; you're doing it wrong.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Epperly is really pushing the envelope on goofball schemes to invalidate Kenyan interloper Barack Obama’s entire presidency/personhood

    Eu contraire, this is the first truly honest court filing of the birthers' objection to Obama's presidency.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Governor Palin is ineligible, too, owing to her vagina-bearing status?

    • duh

    • chicken_thief

      She just showed her va-jay-jay to Tawd, his biz partner, Glenn and a few (dozen, prolly) others. It's not like she was on stage baring it or anything.

    • WinterOuthouse

      Prove it. Have you seen said va ja ja?

  • MrFizzy

    I had a cup of strawberry mulatto after lunch today – what's not to like?

  • Why is this random, ignorant crankery worthy of a post?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It's still fairly early, I'm sure that the low-hanging fruit has a certain appeal at this time of day.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It's just snobbery….

    • Swampgas_Man

      All the "news" is about the Oscars and Angelina Jolie's legs today, so this snuck in by default.

  • SorosBot

    The Constitution also refers to both the President and Vice President as "he" at several points. So in 2008 did this racist ass sue to get Palin off the ballot?

    • northernbassist

      No. He decided to wait a couple of years and go after Lisa Murkowski in 2010, by claiming that, and I quote:

      "–Lisa Murkowski is not qualified for the Office of U.S. Senator as she is not a citizen of the United States under Article I of the Constitution of the United States.

      Enclosed is a "Proclamation" declaring the political privileges of candidates to hold public offices of the United States. The "Proclamation" shows that U.S. Congress has never made provisions in the U.S. Constitution for women or non-white citizens to hold public offices."

      I grew up in Juneau and this guy's name is familiar to me–that name was associated with stables, so perhaps the horseshit doesn't fall far from the horse's ass, or something.

  • DaSandman

    This is TeaBag speak for "Coloreds are taking over the world"

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Wow, this guy really gets an A for effort…

  • Wow, way to be ahead of the curve with a trend that was 4 years too late. Next thing you know he'll be telling us that we should watch this show "Friends" and that Jennifer Aniston could be, you know, married to a big star.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "There's this really funny show about a bunch of Jews in New York you should check out, I think it's called "Steinberg" or something…"

    • prommie

      Being of an older generation, I didn't have "Friends." In my day, we all wore onions on our belts and watched "Thirty-Something," which, believe it or not, was set in Philadelphia.

      • Chichikovovich

        Ah, yes, Thirty-Something. When the my generation were little kids, the big kids said "Never trust anyone over thirty!" Then in our twenties we watched Thirty-Something and that same generation taught us why.

  • edgydrifter

    By Epperly's own peculiar logic, nobody gets to hold any office or even vote, because Political Rights aren't mentioned at all in the Constitution.

    • Ramon X

      Just what are political rights anyway?

      "…my rights are all wrong."
      John Prine

  • Joshua Norton

    Ya know, it's become obvious that there's no bottom to the repig party. Every time you think they've hit it, you discover another subterranean level of crazy with an underground parking garage.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      …and a wine cellar, entirely stocked with weasel piss…

    • CommieLibunatic

      It's like a bad Minecraft map. You dig a little bit and discover a bottomless, labyrinthine pit of nightmares full of Creepers. And by "discover" I really mean "fall several meters into."

      • Gunner Asch

        I never heard of Minecraft before this video
        but if she gets to be on my team I'm all for it

      • deelzebub

        I never get my Wonkette time anymore because of Minecraft. Mr. Deelzebub is nerd enough to be on volunteer staff on a players' server, and when he isn't hogging my computer, he's got my second grader hooked on playing as well.

    • mrpuma2u

      Win! I It's just a short matter of time before we find the cavern with the talking sleestak skulls of the elders.

  • freakishlywrong

    Oh for fuck's sake.

  • WiscDad

    For Christ's sake…when will this shit END?

    • CommieLibunatic

      When the rocks melt in the sun, the seas boil dry, and the stars fall from the sky.

    • GOPCrusher


  • I… ghi….dagha…eiyah… ahmma… wha?!? WHAT?!?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?!?

    Did I slip and fall into 1850?? Isn't the hip, modern Klansman supposed to favor "subtle" racism these days? UNbelievable!!

    • CommieLibunatic

      I forget who said it (Bill Maher?), but someone said these racists have actually grown up. They call O'Dawg all these different scary names because there's one they can't use just sticking in the back of their throat. It starts with "N," ends with "R," and is NOT "Nation Builder."

    • GOPCrusher

      Oh that is so 2000. Today's hip Klansman go full tilt racist and then get shouty and ragey for someone pointing out their racism.

  • chicken_thief

    Like Obama gives a fuck about being on the ballot in AK anyway. The handful of his supporters up there can easily write his name in. This sort of like my mom telling me that she isn't going to give me that $5 a week allowance that she gave me back in '71 anymore.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Ummm, so what would you be willing to do then, Mister?…

      • chicken_thief

        Focus on those states that could actually turn the tide – TX, MI, OH, PA, FL, NC, VA?

    • mayor_quimby


  • CivicHoliday

    I bet Orly got all hot and bothered when she heard about this. I sense wedding bells in the future.

  • Mahousu

    OK, I read the whole thing. His main argument boils down to the fact that Dred Scott was never overturned. Seriously.

    He also has the usual birther nonsense, and some stuff about how he doesn't like the certification of nomination that the DNC submitted in 2008, but the main argument is that Dred Scott was only partially voided by the 14th Amendment because, you know, black people.

    • Guppy

      He got the idea from his annual filing against the IRS, claiming that Pollock v. Farmers' was "only partially voided."

  • freakishlywrong

    History will record these times as the "Tard Ages".

    • redarmyzombie

      Otherwise known as the Nimrodouchean Era.

  • pinkocommi

    Mr. GW Epperly is that perfect presidential candidate the Republitards have been waiting for.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      He'll be that very, very,white knight they are all fapping themselves into a froth over….

      • UW8316154

        Epperly/Palin 2012

        • redarmyzombie


          Froth, remember…

  • SayItWithWookies

    This idiot needs a few uncivil rights. And some lefts and uppercuts to boot.

  • Now we are getting down to the brass tacks objections of the Republicans. Let's watch to see what leaders refuse to throw Mr. Epperly under the bus. Any bus.

  • Joshua Norton

    So basically, he's submitted a pleading that uses the plot of "Show Boat" as a legal citation.

    • James Michael Curley

      My thoughts exactly.

  • MissTaken

    Seriously, can someone explain the difference between "Civil Rights" and "Political Rights"?

    I have a suspicion that according to this drippy dick juice that me being a vagina-carrier negates my right to vote (despite the purported ratification of the 19th Amendment).

    • prommie

      Missy, your participation in the political process is limited to withholding the vagina from your man, if he does something you disagree with.

      • MissTaken

        Figured as much, thanks for the clarification!

      • SorosBot

        Now don't go giving her that kind of idea!

        • MissTaken

          Well you did mention Vlad getting me hot and bothered which I fully disagree with, so….

          • SorosBot

            Fine then, no thumbs up for you!

            …nah I can't resist it; you still get one.

    • Chichikovovich

      We talked about this a bit on a thread from this weekend. Basically, the distinction is one pulled out of the deepest, darkest regions of the plaintiff's ass. "The 14th amendment guarantees civil rights? AHA! So then it doesn't guarantee higgle-piggle rights, among which rights include running for president!"

      • Guppy

        Even if that were true, both Hawaii and Illinois grant him citizenship. States' rights!!!11!111!!

    • Steverino247

      Vagina-carrier?! For God's sakes woman, put that back where it belongs!

      (And don't even THINK about trying to learn to sing from your diaphragm…)

    • Toomush_Infer

      Well, considering that, as of Efferling's clarification, your perceived rights would actually be due to the newly reassigned 18th amendment – get your ass back in the kitchen….and take those shoes off!…

  • x111e7thst

    The 14th was in any event only 3/4ths of an Amendment.

  • ttommyunger

    "Alaskan Idiot", but then I repeat myself… My compliments to Samuel Clemens.

  • WiscDad

    He missed some aliases…Barry O, BO, Mr President

  • Goonemeritus

    Oh here it comes one guy in Alaska makes an interesting historical observation and everyone just assumes he’s a racist.

  • WinterOuthouse

    When did Obama announce his "Negro status"? I always thought he was a white guy with a great tan. Who coulda predicted that???? Things change so fast

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Well…there's 10, maybe 20 votes gone for Obama.

  • meatlofer

    Nixon was on the ballot,and he was a fucking Quacker.

  • ghblowhard

    She forgot Barack Hussein Obama Jr.–he might slip onto the ballot using that!

  • Oblios_Cap

    That's some mighty lawyerly thinking there by Mr. Epperly. Proof by negation is dicey business, though.

    Obama was "responsable" for what?

  • Racebaiter gonna racebait.

  • Lynne

    Sigh, another loony Alaskan for us to have to live down….

    • redarmyzombie

      It's okay, sweetie. Everyone deals with these Nit turds every once in a while.

  • barto

    Jesus, how could we have missed that? Nice catch, Gordo!

  • jus_wonderin

    Epperly? Didn't he and his brother have a band in the early 60's? I guess this is what happens when tastes change.

    • Chichikovovich

      Ah, so this is what Cathy's Clown grew up to be.

  • mavenmaven

    Now one understands why the teabaggers are constituional originalists. 14th amendment doesn't count, "founding fathers" didn't write it, no black folk in the white house.

  • He also contested Lisa Murkowski's election (in 2010 by write-in) on the same grounds:

    … Congress has never made provisions in the U.S. Constitution for women or non-white citizens to hold public office.

    • Chichikovovich

      OK, now I know for certain that he's a Palin hand-puppet.

  • Guppy

    Where do you think Mallard Filmore comes from?

  • BZ1

    Mr. Gordon Warren Epperly, Class A racist fool! (sorry no snark here)

  • cheetojeebus

    I was just rubbing my temples so hard I crushed my own skull.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    On every form I ever fill out, if it asks, I always mark "Other."

    By no coincidence, I am white… but I just feel like this best embodies the spirit of the CRA of 1964, anyway.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I can't say why, but the level of this insanity just cheers me up….

  • Troglodeity

    He makes Orly Taitz look … nah, she's still batshit-crazy.

  • CommieLibunatic
  • bumfug

    "Abandon All Pretense, Ye Who Enter Here"

  • Geminisunmars

    Alaska — our northernmost southern State.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Why didn't Orly think of this herself?

  • Ramon X

    This dude has usurped his bounds.

  • Eve8Apples

    Gordon Warren Epperly will be next week's frontrunner to beat Romney in the GOP Presidential Primary.

  • Redhead

    You had me at "Alaskan Idiot" – and then I realized it wasn't another story about Palin and it just got better. Oh so much better.

  • SilverTsunami

    I think he meant to write, "There is considerable debate within the voices in my head…"

    But hey, that mouse thing? Wow, the internet works so much better for me now! Thanks, Mr. Epperly!

  • redarmyzombie

    Wrong, wrong, wrong! Everyone knows Barack is a AY-RAB.

    Damn Libruls

  • bauserdotcom

    Crazy guy has got way more than 10 pages. He's a full-fledged kook with a giant website that says women can't hold office, Ohio isn't really a state, and so on.

    • SpeedoFart

      Oh god, why did I click your link? WHY DID I CLICK YOUR LINK?

      I need some eye bleach now.

    • SorosBot

      Besides being "crazy", he's another dumbass who doesn't know what the proper use of "quotation marks" is, and goes overboard by putting everything in "italics" for good measure.

      • Which is funny considering he is part of that "court documents putting your name in all caps makes it not count" lunatic fringe.

    • James Michael Curley

      Great! If Ohio wasn't a state Kerry won in 2004.

    • Loaded_Pants

      "Most of the Patriots are not Attorneys and their works should not be construed as giving legal advice."
      No shit. I would have never guessed. Thanks for the warning.

    • revmatty

      Wow, our Websense filter blocks that site. For once I'm happy about that damned thing.

  • We live in an era when any ignorant cracker with an AOL connection can half-cloak their ignorance in a bunch of words and concepts they don't quite understand, but sound really smart to ignorant crackers.

  • GOPCrusher

    I think this proves he's not a racist dipshit. He's just a dipshit. An equal opportunity dipshit.

  • Condensed Gordon Warren Epperly:

    I hate and fear all non-whites.

  • Limeylizzie

    Mr.G.W.Epperly is a full 100% cunt. These men , on the other hand, are all magnificent.

  • TheGyrus

    I think the 14th amendment was only purportedly ratified due to the fact that Ohio was not a state at the time it was ratified. So, you know, we gots to roll back everyone's civil rights on a technicality.

  • elburritodeluxe

    This jerk doesn't even have the birther nomenclature right. By (natural) law all birther suits must refer to him as Barry Soetero.

  • Well, I call this guy the Sage of Swampy Acres, which is where he lives. And he really puts some very smart stuff on his website about all kinds of things which are very deep and profound, like this:

    Which I read, and I think according to the law that I am actually a boat or something like that. Should I check myself for barnacles???

    Squeeky Fromm
    Girl Reporter

  • I_P

    "Are the rest of the arguments in Epperly’s filing as totally impregnable as this one?"

    I think you meant "impenatrable."

  • Schmegeg

    Dear Gordon:
    Fuck You

  • fuflans

    that sticky note thing is stupid.

    • Loaded_Pants

      The Interwebby linky thingies, how do they work?
      –Sarah Palin

  • lulzmonger

    Fucktards gonna fucktard.

  • a_pink_poodle

    Still isn't about race lalalalala!

  • MinAgain

    Mulatto is not a race. It's a tasty sandwich you can buy in New Orleans.

    Or is that a muffaletta?

  • DahBoner

    In Italy, can a mullato eat gellato?

  • Wonderthing

    I ain't even gonna waste snark on this stain.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The problem with Alaska is that there's not enough quality DNA to go around.

  • chascates

    My Computer Mouse wants nothing to do with your 'hidden' Internet Links and surmises you have cabin fever from living in Bum Fuck, Alaska for far too long.

    And he's originally from Anchorage!

  • Catabite

    I'm sorry, I read "mulatto", and now all I can think of is the song "Mulatto Butts" from "Archer". Actually, I think I'm going to go watch the third season and drink, because it's better than beating my head against the table.

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