kenyan politics

Alaskan Idiot: Obama Is Of ‘Mulatto Race,’ Thus Not Eligible For Presidency

Burning the midnight oil, moving the Computer Mouse over the Online.Mr. Gordon Warren Epperly — of the PO Box 34358, Juneau, Alaska Epperlies — can expect a lengthy and almost certainly inappropriate phone call from pearlescent loony Orly Taitz, and maybe, too, an honorary DDS/JD she will print on discontinued “Certificate of Participation” cardstock from the Office Depot. What in blazes for, you may ask. It’s because Epperly is really pushing the envelope on goofball schemes to invalidate Kenyan interloper Barack Obama’s entire presidency/personhood, using our liberal activist court system, naturally. Whereas Dr. Orly Taitz, Esquire, settled for making up some nonsense about Obama not being born on real American soil to real American parents, Epperly is straight-up skipping that bit of politesse, to crow in the general direction of the Alaska State Division of Elections, “BUNK THAT! THAT PRESIDENT IS NOT WHITE, Y’ALL!!!”

Epperly is trying to prevent Obama from appearing on the ballot in Alaska, because of the Constitution, a sacred and unalterable document which, in his estimation, only gave “Negroes” and “mulattos” civil rights, not political rights:

Barack Hussein Obama II is not a “natural born Citizen” of the United States

As stated above, for an Individual to be a Candidate for the Office of President of the United States, the Candidate must meet the qualifications as set forth in the United States Constitution and one of those qualifications is that the Candidate shall be a “natural born Citizen” of the United States. As Barack Hussein Obama II is of the “Mulatto” race, his status of citizenship is founded upon the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Before the [purported] ratification of the Fourteenth Amendment, the race of “Negro” or “Mulatto” had no standing to be citizens of the United States under the United States Constitution. /1

As the Fourteenth Amendment is only a grant of “Civil Rights” and not a grant of “Political Rights,” Barack Hussein Obama II does not have any “Political Rights” under any provision of the United States Constitution to hold any Public Office of the United States government. Furthermore, there is considerable debate within the enclosed supporting documents that shows Barack Hussein Obama II was not born on the soil of the United States and that he was not subject to the jurisdiction of the United States at the time of his birth. If this is true, it would appear that Barack Hussein Obama II may not only be in want of having the status of being a “natural born Citizen,” but he may not even be a “citizen of the United States.” Being absent of proper status of Citizenship, Barack Hussein Obama II, nor his Delegates, have the qualifications to appear on the Election Ballots for the State of Alaska.

This goes on for ten pages, folks, which is about ten pages past our attention span. So help us out, would-be Orly Taitzes. Are the rest of the arguments in Epperly’s filing as totally impregnable as this one? More importantly, was the Fourteenth Amendment only purportedly ratified and how is this going to screw up the numbering on all the following amendments (if any of them are even valid)? [Turning Left]

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  1. BaldarTFlagass

    "This goes on for ten pages, folks, which is about ten pages past our attention span."

    Three sentences was about all I could manage.

    1. Advn2rgirl

      "This little cookie here's a macaroon,
      That big round thing's
      A red balloon.
      And the paper down here's called the Picayune
      And here's a New Orleans tune," also.

  2. prommie

    He's just saying what everyone else is thinking, but won't say out loud. Everybody else in the tea party, I mean.

    1. Baconzgood

      Or with blunt force trauma to the head… that I think of it that statment kinda splits hairs.

  3. GunToting[Redacted]

    I automatically assumed that the "Alaskan Idiot" in question was Sarah Palin. I'm somewhat disappointed.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Considering the number of people that live in Alaska, and the Idiot/Population ratio, I also made the assumption that Sarah was the lone Idiot.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    "Barack Hussein Obama II was not born on the soil of the United States and he was not subject to the jurisdiction of the United States at the time of his birth. If this is true,… "

    It's not.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Man, I wish old Gordon had pointed this shit out back in '08. Would have saved us a lot of headaches.

    2. MaxNeanderthal

      "Goddarn it, the sheriff is a n-(band plays discordant parp)"
      Yup, that's authentic western gibberish folks….

  5. Egregious644

    We don't have to listen to this guy, because Lincoln illegally annexed Alaska. Therefore, all the folks there are Russians.

      1. Egregious644

        Well, there you go then. No wonder Andrew Johnson was impeached! How dare he impersonate Abraham Lincoln making an illegal annexation!

  6. HempDogbane

    "You must be connected online with the internet in order for the links to work." Damn, this might be why I only have 99p.

  7. Native_of_SL_UT

    Maybe we could compromise and declare that Obama is only 3/5ths of a President.
    Oh wait, he's only half negro so if my math is correct, that would make him 4/5ths of a President.

    1. sewollef

      Well ok then… if Mr Obama is only 70% president, does that mean that only 70% of your vote goes to him? And if that's true, then who gets the the other 30%?

      Or…. or, is it that you can only vote for Mr Obama 70% of the time? And if that's true…. then who does the other 30% of the time belong too?

      See where I'm going with this?

      No? Damn…. I was hoping someone could explain all this to the mathematically-challenged.

    1. James Michael Curley

      From the passage of the 13th and 14th amendment Jim Crow laws were argued to be valid because those amendments did not address voting/political rights. This argument was be put forward by Dixiecrats in 1965 when the Voting Rights Act was being voted on in Congress.

  8. Baconzgood

    Can he do this? He's from Alaska and Alaska wasn't a state in 1789 when the constitution was ratified.

    Check mate racist loon!

    1. Chichikovovich

      In fact, it belonged to Russia, where the slaves were white! So I guess he'd better report to the market right away.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Addendum: Aw crap. Alexander II freed the serfs in 1861, six years before Alaska was annexed by the US. If only he could have held off for a decade or so.

        (But then, if a 100% American president's slave-freeing is no good, why should some vodka-swilling foreigner's be any better? Somebody should slap this guy in chains just in case. Pending the outcome of litigation. Which will surely be completed in 15-20 years, tops.)

  9. UW8316154

    I'm at work. Will someone please facebook this guy and report back? Maybe check out his AOL account, if there is still such a thing.

  10. SorosBot

    Birthers, you're not supposed to admit that all your conspiracy mongering is just because Obama's black; you're doing it wrong.

  11. Generation[redacted]

    Epperly is really pushing the envelope on goofball schemes to invalidate Kenyan interloper Barack Obama’s entire presidency/personhood

    Eu contraire, this is the first truly honest court filing of the birthers' objection to Obama's presidency.

    1. chicken_thief

      She just showed her va-jay-jay to Tawd, his biz partner, Glenn and a few (dozen, prolly) others. It's not like she was on stage baring it or anything.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It's still fairly early, I'm sure that the low-hanging fruit has a certain appeal at this time of day.

  12. SorosBot

    The Constitution also refers to both the President and Vice President as "he" at several points. So in 2008 did this racist ass sue to get Palin off the ballot?

    1. northernbassist

      No. He decided to wait a couple of years and go after Lisa Murkowski in 2010, by claiming that, and I quote:

      "–Lisa Murkowski is not qualified for the Office of U.S. Senator as she is not a citizen of the United States under Article I of the Constitution of the United States.

      Enclosed is a "Proclamation" declaring the political privileges of candidates to hold public offices of the United States. The "Proclamation" shows that U.S. Congress has never made provisions in the U.S. Constitution for women or non-white citizens to hold public offices."

      I grew up in Juneau and this guy's name is familiar to me–that name was associated with stables, so perhaps the horseshit doesn't fall far from the horse's ass, or something.

  13. ManchuCandidate

    Wow, way to be ahead of the curve with a trend that was 4 years too late. Next thing you know he'll be telling us that we should watch this show "Friends" and that Jennifer Aniston could be, you know, married to a big star.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "There's this really funny show about a bunch of Jews in New York you should check out, I think it's called "Steinberg" or something…"

    2. prommie

      Being of an older generation, I didn't have "Friends." In my day, we all wore onions on our belts and watched "Thirty-Something," which, believe it or not, was set in Philadelphia.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Ah, yes, Thirty-Something. When the my generation were little kids, the big kids said "Never trust anyone over thirty!" Then in our twenties we watched Thirty-Something and that same generation taught us why.

  14. edgydrifter

    By Epperly's own peculiar logic, nobody gets to hold any office or even vote, because Political Rights aren't mentioned at all in the Constitution.

  15. Joshua Norton

    Ya know, it's become obvious that there's no bottom to the repig party. Every time you think they've hit it, you discover another subterranean level of crazy with an underground parking garage.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      It's like a bad Minecraft map. You dig a little bit and discover a bottomless, labyrinthine pit of nightmares full of Creepers. And by "discover" I really mean "fall several meters into."

      1. deelzebub

        I never get my Wonkette time anymore because of Minecraft. Mr. Deelzebub is nerd enough to be on volunteer staff on a players' server, and when he isn't hogging my computer, he's got my second grader hooked on playing as well.

    2. mrpuma2u

      Win! I It's just a short matter of time before we find the cavern with the talking sleestak skulls of the elders.

  16. valthemus

    I… ghi….dagha…eiyah… ahmma… wha?!? WHAT?!?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?!?

    Did I slip and fall into 1850?? Isn't the hip, modern Klansman supposed to favor "subtle" racism these days? UNbelievable!!

    1. CommieLibunatic

      I forget who said it (Bill Maher?), but someone said these racists have actually grown up. They call O'Dawg all these different scary names because there's one they can't use just sticking in the back of their throat. It starts with "N," ends with "R," and is NOT "Nation Builder."

    2. GOPCrusher

      Oh that is so 2000. Today's hip Klansman go full tilt racist and then get shouty and ragey for someone pointing out their racism.

  17. chicken_thief

    Like Obama gives a fuck about being on the ballot in AK anyway. The handful of his supporters up there can easily write his name in. This sort of like my mom telling me that she isn't going to give me that $5 a week allowance that she gave me back in '71 anymore.

  18. CivicHoliday

    I bet Orly got all hot and bothered when she heard about this. I sense wedding bells in the future.

  19. Mahousu

    OK, I read the whole thing. His main argument boils down to the fact that Dred Scott was never overturned. Seriously.

    He also has the usual birther nonsense, and some stuff about how he doesn't like the certification of nomination that the DNC submitted in 2008, but the main argument is that Dred Scott was only partially voided by the 14th Amendment because, you know, black people.

    1. Guppy

      He got the idea from his annual filing against the IRS, claiming that Pollock v. Farmers' was "only partially voided."

  20. Maman

    Now we are getting down to the brass tacks objections of the Republicans. Let's watch to see what leaders refuse to throw Mr. Epperly under the bus. Any bus.

  21. MissTaken

    Seriously, can someone explain the difference between "Civil Rights" and "Political Rights"?

    I have a suspicion that according to this drippy dick juice that me being a vagina-carrier negates my right to vote (despite the purported ratification of the 19th Amendment).

    1. prommie

      Missy, your participation in the political process is limited to withholding the vagina from your man, if he does something you disagree with.

    2. Chichikovovich

      We talked about this a bit on a thread from this weekend. Basically, the distinction is one pulled out of the deepest, darkest regions of the plaintiff's ass. "The 14th amendment guarantees civil rights? AHA! So then it doesn't guarantee higgle-piggle rights, among which rights include running for president!"

    3. Steverino247

      Vagina-carrier?! For God's sakes woman, put that back where it belongs!

      (And don't even THINK about trying to learn to sing from your diaphragm…)

    4. Toomush_Infer

      Well, considering that, as of Efferling's clarification, your perceived rights would actually be due to the newly reassigned 18th amendment – get your ass back in the kitchen….and take those shoes off!…

  22. Goonemeritus

    Oh here it comes one guy in Alaska makes an interesting historical observation and everyone just assumes he’s a racist.

  23. WinterOuthouse

    When did Obama announce his "Negro status"? I always thought he was a white guy with a great tan. Who coulda predicted that???? Things change so fast

  24. Oblios_Cap

    That's some mighty lawyerly thinking there by Mr. Epperly. Proof by negation is dicey business, though.

    Obama was "responsable" for what?

  25. jus_wonderin

    Epperly? Didn't he and his brother have a band in the early 60's? I guess this is what happens when tastes change.

  26. mavenmaven

    Now one understands why the teabaggers are constituional originalists. 14th amendment doesn't count, "founding fathers" didn't write it, no black folk in the white house.

  27. KeepFnThatChicken

    On every form I ever fill out, if it asks, I always mark "Other."

    By no coincidence, I am white… but I just feel like this best embodies the spirit of the CRA of 1964, anyway.

  28. Eve8Apples

    Gordon Warren Epperly will be next week's frontrunner to beat Romney in the GOP Presidential Primary.

  29. Redhead

    You had me at "Alaskan Idiot" – and then I realized it wasn't another story about Palin and it just got better. Oh so much better.

  30. SilverTsunami

    I think he meant to write, "There is considerable debate within the voices in my head…"

    But hey, that mouse thing? Wow, the internet works so much better for me now! Thanks, Mr. Epperly!

    1. SorosBot

      Besides being "crazy", he's another dumbass who doesn't know what the proper use of "quotation marks" is, and goes overboard by putting everything in "italics" for good measure.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      "Most of the Patriots are not Attorneys and their works should not be construed as giving legal advice."
      No shit. I would have never guessed. Thanks for the warning.

    3. revmatty

      Wow, our Websense filter blocks that site. For once I'm happy about that damned thing.

  31. slowhansolo

    We live in an era when any ignorant cracker with an AOL connection can half-cloak their ignorance in a bunch of words and concepts they don't quite understand, but sound really smart to ignorant crackers.

  32. TheGyrus

    I think the 14th amendment was only purportedly ratified due to the fact that Ohio was not a state at the time it was ratified. So, you know, we gots to roll back everyone's civil rights on a technicality.

  33. elburritodeluxe

    This jerk doesn't even have the birther nomenclature right. By (natural) law all birther suits must refer to him as Barry Soetero.

  34. SqueekyFromm

    Well, I call this guy the Sage of Swampy Acres, which is where he lives. And he really puts some very smart stuff on his website about all kinds of things which are very deep and profound, like this:

    Which I read, and I think according to the law that I am actually a boat or something like that. Should I check myself for barnacles???

    Squeeky Fromm
    Girl Reporter

  35. I_P

    "Are the rest of the arguments in Epperly’s filing as totally impregnable as this one?"

    I think you meant "impenatrable."

  36. chascates

    My Computer Mouse wants nothing to do with your 'hidden' Internet Links and surmises you have cabin fever from living in Bum Fuck, Alaska for far too long.

    And he's originally from Anchorage!

  37. Catabite

    I'm sorry, I read "mulatto", and now all I can think of is the song "Mulatto Butts" from "Archer". Actually, I think I'm going to go watch the third season and drink, because it's better than beating my head against the table.

  38. Loaded_Pants

    You've got to remember that George Epperly is one of those simple folks. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new (north) west. You know… morons.

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