Embryos Greet Defeat Of Virginia’s Personhood Bill With Eerie Silence

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Sorry, dollface.Virginia’s vaginas escaped state-sanctioned ‘unwanted penetration,’ temporarily at least, with a proposed transvaginal ultrasound bill thoroughly collapsing under the weight of public ridicule. And now the bill that would have granted any grouping of two or more cells “all the rights, privileges, and immunities” of (most) actual PEOPLE has been tabled until 2013, delivering a massive defeat to trillions of potential Virginians, who will never know how good they could have had it up here, gasping agonally along with the rest of us in these, the last days of the American Empire. So why can’t the glutinous globs of cells that would have finally become ‘persons’ under the bill be reached for comment? Hmmmm? Rather SUSPICIOUS, wouldn’t you say?

The Richmond Times-Dispatch reports on the greatest assault on human dignity in the history of human history that, for some reason (?), the assaulted-on refuse to denounce:

By a vote of 24-14, House Bill 1 — the so-called personhood bill sponsored by Del. Robert G. Marshall, R-Prince William — was re-referred to the Senate Education and Health Committee and carried over to the 2013 legislative session.

[...]

Supporters, including anti-abortion organizations, said the legislation gave rights to the unborn and established a legal cause of action for pregnant women to sue for the wrongful death of their fetus. A GOP amendment tacked on to the bill sought to clarify supporters’ contention that the legislation was not intended to regulate contraception.

But opponents — including about 300 people who gathered at the state Capitol on Thursday to rally for women’s rights — decried the legislation, saying it jeopardized women seeking to become pregnant through in-vitro fertilization, threatened to criminalize contraception and laid the groundwork for a legal challenge to abortion.

YOUR SILENCE IS YOUR CONSENT, EMBRYOS! Uhmmm, did like none of you go to law school? [Richmond Times-Dispatch]

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178 comments

  1. BornInATrailer

    First they came for the zygotes, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a zygote. And because it was just a cluster of cells, also.

    The End

  2. neiltheblaze

    Zygotes aren't allowed into law school – one of the more shameful examples of our prejudice against "unformed Americans".

    1. tessiee

      I used to work in university administration for many years. Believe me, there are plenty of abortions going to law school.

    2. VaWyo

      You are wrong. How could you forget Liberty University and Regent University? They have law schools and I'm sure zygotes are allowed. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson were both once a zygote!

      1. neiltheblaze

        I think Falwell and Robertson came from a test tube, myself. Even if they didn't I think it's a fiction well worth maintaining.

  3. EatsBabyDingos

    Kellogs is extatic, as they now have an unending source of their new cereal, Embry O's, now with extra protein and gluten free!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      And of course the Frito-Lay Corporation is counting on its new snack food "Fetos®" to be a big seller.

    2. tessiee

      Like the cereal on the commercials now — you know, the one where the animated cereal squares have long tongues and lick each other — aren't creepy enough.

    1. UnholyMoses

      There is a vas deferens between zygotes and sperm.

      (The fact I know how to spell vas deferens is a tribute to my urologist … and the fact mine were snipped.)

    2. flamingpdog

      YEEEEEE, I first read "testy" as "tastey"! I need new glasses, I guess, but I may need to get new eyes first.

    1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      If you're pissing embryos, you really need to bring that to the attention of your urologist, not a political blog,

  4. WorkTheSaxofone

    First thing I did was google "gasping agonally" to see if you just minted it or if it's from Homer. Turns out to be a medical phrase I guess. Alarming poetry.

  5. UnholyMoses

    "collapsing under the weight of public ridicule."

    It's a Snarkopolypse!!!

    A Snarkami!!

    A Snarkularity!!!!11!!1!onehundredeleven!!111!!!

    Satire and ridicule: Not just for LULZ any more, baby!

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      Jeremy Lin called. He wants his meme back.

      However, "snarkularity" deserves word status. I'll grant you that one.

  6. samsuncle

    If the grouping of cells had a backbone they would craft a bill that would require republicans to leave them the fuck alone.

  7. Ruhe

    The embryos are busy drafting a friend of the court brief in which they take the very principled stance that adoption of such a law places humanity on a very slippery slope. "If we get full rights" the tiny cell-globs argue, "then it's just a matter of time before the sperm are going to want them too and then it's just like…it's all over." They paint a frightening picture of a future in which men will be able to compel women to copulate with them so that their "precious little guys will have a chance at the life God wants for them."

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You write that meaning to be funny, but I think it's a little too close to the truth. But then, I already read The Handmaid's Tale.

    2. Guppy

      "it's just a matter of time before the sperm are going to want them too"

      Does that include voting? Because if I'm given a few minutes alone in the voting booth…

    3. HELisforHEL

      They paint a frightening picture of a future in which men will be able to compel women to copulate with them so that their "precious little guys will have a chance at the life God wants for them."

      …isn't that argument the only way republicans get laid (by women) to begin with?

  8. prommie

    No worries, Virginia is still committed to hateful stupidity, the legislature is still considering the Bill that would prohibit gay people from adopting!

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      That's because, in Virginia, life begins at conception, but caring about that life stops when it leaves the va jay jay.

    2. HELisforHEL

      What kind of Americun are you? Virginny knows that teh gays are much more dangerous than easy-as-pie conceal & carry laws.

  9. nonbeliever7

    I am so sad for little people-to-be Timmy, Suzie, Billy, Jenny, Bobby, Mohammed, Maria…wait, no… not Mohammed or Maria. We're better off without those anchor embryos and single-celled terrorists.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, the whole save-the-fetuses thing is based on Commandment #6 "Thou Shalt Not Kill."

      But let's not take it too far, shall we?

      1. tessiee

        if I'm remembering Sunday School right (instead of blocking it out like I usually do), "thou shalt not kill" is the 5th commandment. The 6th commandment is "thou shalt not commit adultery". So you were actually right, but just stopped too soon.

  10. chascates

    This is what feminism has brought forth: that women can do things other bearing children for the good of the State. That is premature antifascism or something.

    1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      "The feminist movement was created to allow ugly women access to the mainstream of society."

      –Rush Limbaugh

      1. chicken_thief

        When one is as handsome as the classically sculpted Rushbo, you can get away with saying shit like that.

      2. HELisforHEL

        This should be placed on billboards far & wide. While a large proportion of dumbasses would agree with it, it might actually wake some people up to the bile of that lumpen turd and the interests he represents.

  11. chicken_thief

    "…said the legislation gave rights to the unborn and established a legal cause of action for pregnant women to sue for the wrongful death of their fetus."

    Now half the nation's attorneys will have to unload their U-Hauls and wait until next year to hopefully get in on the judicial gold rush.

  12. Callyson

    If the unborn want politicians to take them seriously, why don't they cough up the campaign contributions? Come on, pay to play, zygotes!

    1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      "I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the Pill showed up. They were mad."

      –Steven Wright

  13. Pithaughn

    I don't embryos or zygotes, but I could swear I saw my sperm waving fists in anger from the tissue this morning.

  14. ThundercatHo

    Ya know, if they were a little more concerned about what 2 or more of their brain cells were doing maybe things wouldn't suck so goddamn much.

  15. CogitoErgoBibo

    I can only hope that all these ridiculous attempts to get their business all up in my uterus means the Virginia GOP suffers major girl power (and sane male) backlash come November. But then I'm a ridiculous optimist who believes in constitutional rights, so what do I know?

  16. SorosBot

    There were at least two zygotes who attended law school with me. Shamefully they were never awarded their JDs; those instead went to the mere women who brought them to class in their wombs.

    1. orygoon

      And I can tell you from experience just how much help they were to those "mere women". Zzzzzz, barf, zzzzzz, barf, ouch, my leg went to sleep, time for another damn doctor appointment–teaches those lucky ladies to multitask, or whatever.

    1. tessiee

      Coyotes are not persons.
      However, they have sufficient standing in the eyes of the law to bring suit against Acme Corporation for product liability.

  17. Indiepalin

    All the male sponsors of the VA "Personhood" bill should drive 1,000 miles southwest and show their disgust by mass-ejaculating onto the dusty turf of OK in front of nutjob Gov. Mary Fallon.

    1. Barrelhse

      All good, except that thing in the bible about not casting your seed on the ground. Maybe a bukkake would get around that?

    2. tessiee

      Don't you ever go to the movies?
      If they did that, the resulting goo would coagulate into a hideous, evil, brainless life form.
      then it would put on a sweater vest and run on the R ticket.

  18. orygoon

    I think I may have ridden on airplanes with embryos, but it's hard to tell. However, that baby that was in the row in front of me on Tuesday? Six hours if intermittent-yet-piercing shrieking. Made me re-think the puzzle about "you're in a big lab room. There's a toddler in one corner and a tank of embryos in the opposite corner. A fire breaks out and you only have time to grab one of those and run out–which will it be?"

  19. paris biltong

    The debate in France, where abortion has been legal for 35 years and health care is more or less free, is at a slightly different level. Some conservatives are suggesting that abortion be no longer covered by the government health care insurance. The left (and sane people in general) argue this that it would amount to discriminating against poor people and make it possible for only the well-to-do to abort. Vaginal probes are more colorful and place the discussion in a different light.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Perhaps someone should whisper in the ear of "Bunny" Le Pen and her followers that really, the point of abortion is to reduce the population of Africans in society. Just ask American conservatives, they'll tell you all about it.

      That'll change their minds.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Aw crap. Doubleplusbad punfail. I saw "Virginia" and read "womb with a view" as "womb of one's own". Odd blindspot. So embarrassing it makes me want to book a passage to India.

          Edit: Ah, I see nothing gets by my Suomist buddy.

          Edit II: Still think Barb's post was exceptionally clever.

  20. Biel_ze_Bubba

    They're just taking the time to make sure the state government is small enough to fit comfortably into women's vaginas. Being Southern gentlemen.

  21. Oblios_Cap

    The embryos are certainly in a pickle. If they unionize to fight for their rights, the GOP will withdraw their support.

    Maybe they should team up with the Soylent Green. I hears it's people, too.

  22. FakaktaSouth

    I have happily rezoned my entire body as "fun and fun adjacent only" but as we were once a working baby farm I would like to tell Virginians to cut the shit – I can't have my state trying to outdo your crazy. Here they'd just assign a man to walk around with his finger in your cervix holding everything in for nine months whilst praying. Please stop giving us ideas.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Well, with all the "peculiar or unusual practical difficulties" the permits were a bitch, but DEFINITELY worth it. Improved access always makes things better.

  23. Goonemeritus

    These embryos aren’t even citizens to change my mind someone needs to show me a birth certificate. Now if they were willing to serve our country in the armed services that would be different.

  24. actor212

    EQUAL RIGHTS FOR FISHHEADS!

    Roly poly fish heads are never seen drinking cappucino in Italian resturants with oriental women, yeah! FREE FISH HEADS!

  25. MissTaken

    Zygotes really need to form their own Super PAC so they can truly have a voice in politics. Needs a name though. Perhaps 'Joy Division PAC' or 'Womb Raider PAC'?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Fallopian Crossroads?
      Uterus United?
      American Embryo Institute?
      …or considering we're talking about the undeveloped and immature with no awareness of the outside world…
      CPAC

      Naturally, Brietbart already has the domain BigUterus.com registered.

  26. Redhead

    It's actually a really tricky proposal. Theoretically, Repugnicants think embryos should have rights – but what about the half or so of those embryos that will go on to become women? Do they lose those rights once they are born with vajajays, or do they simply never have rights to start with?

    1. Swampgas_Man

      ALL zygotes start out w/ lady partz, only developing male "thingies" after a blast of testosterone. There's something here to snark about, but it's too early in the afternoon for me to think of it.

    2. tessiee

      And how do you know that a cute li'l zygote might not turn out to be brown, or blah, or otherwise muslin?

  27. Tundra Grifter

    First the Susan G. Kohmen Foundation changes its mind. Now Virginia, however briefly, comes to its senses. And the Republican Kandidate Klown Kar has stalled. Again.

    Is sanity returning to America in time for November 2012?

    If only that poor little four-year-old girl in North Carolina could get her homemade turkey sandwich back…

  28. Tundra Grifter

    I'll believe zygotes are people when Texas executes one.

    Oh – wait a minute. Sorry! That doesn't quite work, does it? Guess that would take the whole point out of the people thing, wouldn't it? I mean, if the state were to actually kill real people and everything.

    As you were.

  29. SorosBot

    I tried asking Sorosbot Jr! its opinion on the Virginia personhood law, but he or she hasn't developed a brain stem yet and so is still incapable of having any opinions.

    1. tessiee

      "hasn't developed a brain stem yet and so is still incapable of having any opinions"

      So, your typical Fox audience?

  30. iburl

    Horray! The 4 million women in Vaginny were saved from government rape!
    Now the 13 million women in Texas will have to hope that the media elite on the coasts give a shit about them too, since we have the same forced vaginal probing law failing in it's court appeals here, and nobody seems to have noticed.

    1. Puffperney

      You know, none of the "members" in Austin would have been elected without the votes of women. Don't want to be unsympathetic, but, we get what we vote for. As my Mom put it: "As long as a large number of women want to tell other women what to do with their bodies; this crap will not stop."

      1. iburl

        True, but you have to admit that without the intense national scrutiny of the national media of the Virginia law, Virginian woman would also have "gotten what they voted for", in the vagina.

    2. CogitoErgoBibo

      Ouch. Virginia officially apologizes to Texas for stealing the stupidity limelight this week. We're attention whores.

  31. VaWyo

    I know why it was postponed. They couldn't figure out how the zygotes were to get their guns in there. We women of Virginia were pretty pissed about the vaginal ultrasound thing and shoving a gun up there isn't any better. Ouch!

  32. James Michael Curley

    However, the Virginia Department of Education still requires all students to read "Horton Hears a Zygote".

  33. flamingpdog

    I wish someone would introduce similar legislation in the New Jersey legislature. I'm really interested in finding out which is more massive – the weight of public ridicule or the weight of Chris Christie?

  34. cheetojeebus

    Click ! click ! Brzzzzqqrkk! Hello? is there anybody in there? bzzzrrggg Whiskey tango foxtrot ! Bxxx…Hello! Hello….Bzzzzzt

    This dildo walkie talkie is crap.

    1. tessiee

      You've apparently got the 1994 model, since it makes the same sound effects as logging on to AOL used to.

  35. greypanter

    I have a suggestion: Why don't we protect the rights of the future mother, so she can take care of the interests of the zygote?

  36. slowhansolo

    Apparently the directive came down from on high at the Cell Collective Local #264 that public comment on this issue would not be tolerated.

    Fucking unions.

  37. NYNYNYjr

    Wait a minute…when you said trillions of Virginians…children are obviously counted in censuses that determine your allotment of House members, right? And these blastocysts or whatever, they would basically be counted as babies…so if the law were passed Virginia could estimate the numbers of new citizens and then have like 500 new Representatives. I mean, all rights and privledges are ALL rights…including proper representation

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