Virginia’s vaginas escaped state-sanctioned ‘unwanted penetration,’ temporarily at least, with a proposed transvaginal ultrasound bill thoroughly collapsing under the weight of public ridicule. And now the bill that would have granted any grouping of two or more cells “all the rights, privileges, and immunities” of (most) actual PEOPLE has been tabled until 2013, delivering a massive defeat to trillions of potential Virginians, who will never know how good they could have had it up here, gasping agonally along with the rest of us in these, the last days of the American Empire. So why can’t the glutinous globs of cells that would have finally become ‘persons’ under the bill be reached for comment? Hmmmm? Rather SUSPICIOUS, wouldn’t you say?
The Richmond Times-Dispatch reports on the greatest assault on human dignity in the history of human history that, for some reason (?), the assaulted-on refuse to denounce:
By a vote of 24-14, House Bill 1 — the so-called personhood bill sponsored by Del. Robert G. Marshall, R-Prince William — was re-referred to the Senate Education and Health Committee and carried over to the 2013 legislative session.
[...]
Supporters, including anti-abortion organizations, said the legislation gave rights to the unborn and established a legal cause of action for pregnant women to sue for the wrongful death of their fetus. A GOP amendment tacked on to the bill sought to clarify supporters’ contention that the legislation was not intended to regulate contraception.
But opponents — including about 300 people who gathered at the state Capitol on Thursday to rally for women’s rights — decried the legislation, saying it jeopardized women seeking to become pregnant through in-vitro fertilization, threatened to criminalize contraception and laid the groundwork for a legal challenge to abortion.
YOUR SILENCE IS YOUR CONSENT, EMBRYOS! Uhmmm, did like none of you go to law school? [Richmond Times-Dispatch]
{ 178 comments }
They are quietly planning a sneak attack on election day.
If those lazy embryos want the full rights of personhood, they should incorporate.
In Delaware?
Embryos are corporations too, my friend!
Did the corporations comment? The post is silent about that.
And get a C-PAC.
Needz mor embryo Super PACs.
First they came for the zygotes, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a zygote. And because it was just a cluster of cells, also.
The End
Hooray for Virginia. I hope that now their family trees will start to fork.
Perhaps if the Zygotetards did a little less forking this wouldn't be a problem.
Dammit! 7 minutes too late!
Zygotes aren't allowed into law school – one of the more shameful examples of our prejudice against "unformed Americans".
However, they're invited into math programs cuz they're so good at division.
I think we give uninformed Americans too damn many rights as it is.
But they are allowed into business school with all the other single cell organisms.
WHARTON LIBEL!!!!!
I used to work in university administration for many years. Believe me, there are plenty of abortions going to law school.
You are wrong. How could you forget Liberty University and Regent University? They have law schools and I'm sure zygotes are allowed. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson were both once a zygote!
I think Falwell and Robertson came from a test tube, myself. Even if they didn't I think it's a fiction well worth maintaining.
Kellogs is extatic, as they now have an unending source of their new cereal, Embry O's, now with extra protein and gluten free!
To be eaten with a fork or spoon!
Try the new Bar-B-Que flavor, Ember-y O's today!
And of course the Frito-Lay Corporation is counting on its new snack food "Fetos®" to be a big seller.
Good lord…what would the product mascot be?
What's wrong with the cute li'l ovum at the top of the page?
Would we want cereal represented by an egg? That sounds kind of flaky to me.
Um, not too sure about the "gluten-free" part…just sayin' Truth in Advertising….
Like the cereal on the commercials now — you know, the one where the animated cereal squares have long tongues and lick each other — aren't creepy enough.
Thank you. I thought it was just me.
Determined Dignified "Dames" Defeat Dominionist Dildonic Dipshits
Win!
Embryos don't vote. So fuck 'em, basically.
Interestingly, Sandusky follows the same rule.
(too soon?)
Embryos always take off early on Fridays.
This has made Virginia men's sperm all testy.
There is a vas deferens between zygotes and sperm.
(The fact I know how to spell vas deferens is a tribute to my urologist … and the fact mine were snipped.)
Urethra know how to hurt a guy….
Yeah, I should be sacked …
It's a seminal moment in Virginia history.
Too bad they don't know how to gamete the system.
YEEEEEE, I first read "testy" as "tastey"! I need new glasses, I guess, but I may need to get new eyes first.
The embryos are pissed — and come 2031, we'll all hear from them.
I believe "Satanic Abortionist" Obama has got that one covered.
If you're pissing embryos, you really need to bring that to the attention of your urologist, not a political blog,
Hey, it's cheaper than schluppin' them out with the Mixmaster.
Unless you *want* scrambled eggs.
Oh dear. Maybe I ate them. But I could have sworn it was just shrimp cocktail.
Naw. Shrimp are much bigger than that.
First thing I did was google "gasping agonally" to see if you just minted it or if it's from Homer. Turns out to be a medical phrase I guess. Alarming poetry.
Needz moar myoclonus.
The Achaeans' barber, if I remember right.
"collapsing under the weight of public ridicule."
It's a Snarkopolypse!!!
A Snarkami!!
A Snarkularity!!!!11!!1!onehundredeleven!!111!!!
Satire and ridicule: Not just for LULZ any more, baby!
Jeremy Lin called. He wants his meme back.
However, "snarkularity" deserves word status. I'll grant you that one.
It's too bad the weight of public ridicule doesn't rid us of these loathsome trolls, once and for all.
I like Snarkopolypse.
If the grouping of cells had a backbone they would craft a bill that would require republicans to leave them the fuck alone.
Or, you know, one of us people-Americans could do that.
The embryos are busy drafting a friend of the court brief in which they take the very principled stance that adoption of such a law places humanity on a very slippery slope. "If we get full rights" the tiny cell-globs argue, "then it's just a matter of time before the sperm are going to want them too and then it's just like…it's all over." They paint a frightening picture of a future in which men will be able to compel women to copulate with them so that their "precious little guys will have a chance at the life God wants for them."
You write that meaning to be funny, but I think it's a little too close to the truth. But then, I already read The Handmaid's Tale.
It's a short trip from embryo rights to mitochondria rights, my friend.
"it's just a matter of time before the sperm are going to want them too"
Does that include voting? Because if I'm given a few minutes alone in the voting booth…
They paint a frightening picture of a future in which men will be able to compel women to copulate with them so that their "precious little guys will have a chance at the life God wants for them."
…isn't that argument the only way republicans get laid (by women) to begin with?
No worries, Virginia is still committed to hateful stupidity, the legislature is still considering the Bill that would prohibit gay people from adopting!
That's because, in Virginia, life begins at conception, but caring about that life stops when it leaves the va jay jay.
What kind of Americun are you? Virginny knows that teh gays are much more dangerous than easy-as-pie conceal & carry laws.
I am so sad for little people-to-be Timmy, Suzie, Billy, Jenny, Bobby, Mohammed, Maria…wait, no… not Mohammed or Maria. We're better off without those anchor embryos and single-celled terrorists.
Yeah, the whole save-the-fetuses thing is based on Commandment #6 "Thou Shalt Not Kill."
But let's not take it too far, shall we?
if I'm remembering Sunday School right (instead of blocking it out like I usually do), "thou shalt not kill" is the 5th commandment. The 6th commandment is "thou shalt not commit adultery". So you were actually right, but just stopped too soon.
This is what feminism has brought forth: that women can do things other bearing children for the good of the State. That is premature antifascism or something.
"The feminist movement was created to allow ugly women access to the mainstream of society."
–Rush Limbaugh
When one is as handsome as the classically sculpted Rushbo, you can get away with saying shit like that.
Substitute "black" or "crippled" for "ugly", and it's even more obvious how hateful that comment is.
This should be placed on billboards far & wide. While a large proportion of dumbasses would agree with it, it might actually wake some people up to the bile of that lumpen turd and the interests he represents.
"…collapsing under the weight of public ridicule."
Stop. Stop. You make us blush.
You can't hear them because the Trans-Vaginal Probe is blocking the sound.
That's what you get for fucking with Embryos.
The Catholic priests are even fucking embryos now? And I thought they were bad before…
Hey, if there is DNA on the field, play ball.
"…said the legislation gave rights to the unborn and established a legal cause of action for pregnant women to sue for the wrongful death of their fetus."
Now half the nation's attorneys will have to unload their U-Hauls and wait until next year to hopefully get in on the judicial gold rush.
The GOP embracing cultural warz is totally insane. Good for the DRats, but nutz just the same. Even Jeb Bush is sayin' (at teh Polithoze no less) that the GOP Prezduhdates are likely leading the Rethugs to an electoral Antietam.
Would not break my heart to see the Sunken Road littered with their rotting carcasses.
If the unborn want politicians to take them seriously, why don't they cough up the campaign contributions? Come on, pay to play, zygotes!
Or just buy guns.
You've got to drop this de-fetus attitude, Wonkette.
The Morula You Know…
They're waiting. They're laying in wait, plotting. Planning. Then in nine months, they'll spring forth with a big surprise: they're all gay.
"I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the Pill showed up. They were mad."
–Steven Wright
I don't embryos or zygotes, but I could swear I saw my sperm waving fists in anger from the tissue this morning.
The 50,000,000 Man March?
I always thought those were teeny-weeny tails!
That image, when combined with your avatar, is quite awful. Thanks!
Ya know, if they were a little more concerned about what 2 or more of their brain cells were doing maybe things wouldn't suck so goddamn much.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT! Now let's start fucking again!!!
I can only hope that all these ridiculous attempts to get their business all up in my uterus means the Virginia GOP suffers major girl power (and sane male) backlash come November. But then I'm a ridiculous optimist who believes in constitutional rights, so what do I know?
The best news for the female fetuses (fetii?) is that they won't get transvaginal probed by the government or patted down by the TSA.
Put down the cheeseburgers and do something embryos! Fat little jerks.
This mental picture made me smile.
No kidding. They really could stand to lose a cell or two.
Fuck taking back their country. Women are taking back their lady parts.
There were at least two zygotes who attended law school with me. Shamefully they were never awarded their JDs; those instead went to the mere women who brought them to class in their wombs.
And I can tell you from experience just how much help they were to those "mere women". Zzzzzz, barf, zzzzzz, barf, ouch, my leg went to sleep, time for another damn doctor appointment–teaches those lucky ladies to multitask, or whatever.
What's this about coyotes not being persons?
I think it's about sexually confused goats.
I'm trying to help with that.
Mickey Kaus?
That's who we named the counseling group after. New members are referred to as 'Mickeys'.
Of course: "Never mind…."
Coyotes are not persons.
However, they have sufficient standing in the eyes of the law to bring suit against Acme Corporation for product liability.
All the male sponsors of the VA "Personhood" bill should drive 1,000 miles southwest and show their disgust by mass-ejaculating onto the dusty turf of OK in front of nutjob Gov. Mary Fallon.
All good, except that thing in the bible about not casting your seed on the ground. Maybe a bukkake would get around that?
Don't you ever go to the movies?
If they did that, the resulting goo would coagulate into a hideous, evil, brainless life form.
then it would put on a sweater vest and run on the R ticket.
I think I may have ridden on airplanes with embryos, but it's hard to tell. However, that baby that was in the row in front of me on Tuesday? Six hours if intermittent-yet-piercing shrieking. Made me re-think the puzzle about "you're in a big lab room. There's a toddler in one corner and a tank of embryos in the opposite corner. A fire breaks out and you only have time to grab one of those and run out–which will it be?"
The guitar.
Many thumbs for you.
Empty the tank and run with it!
What a stupid puzzle.
You pour the tank of embryos onto the fire, thus putting it out.
DUH!!
The debate in France, where abortion has been legal for 35 years and health care is more or less free, is at a slightly different level. Some conservatives are suggesting that abortion be no longer covered by the government health care insurance. The left (and sane people in general) argue this that it would amount to discriminating against poor people and make it possible for only the well-to-do to abort. Vaginal probes are more colorful and place the discussion in a different light.
Perhaps someone should whisper in the ear of "Bunny" Le Pen and her followers that really, the point of abortion is to reduce the population of Africans in society. Just ask American conservatives, they'll tell you all about it.
That'll change their minds.
Perhaps someone should remind the conservatives in France that "poor people" includes "Algerians."
The zygotes had nothing to say about this. Virginia, a womb without a view.
This post is a thing of beauty. I'd say more but I have to go Woolf down some lunch.
Thanks and enjoy lunch!
Aw crap. Doubleplusbad punfail. I saw "Virginia" and read "womb with a view" as "womb of one's own". Odd blindspot. So embarrassing it makes me want to book a passage to India.
Edit: Ah, I see nothing gets by my Suomist buddy.
Edit II: Still think Barb's post was exceptionally clever.
Virginia had a womb of her own. EM Forster had one with a view, but he was a male person.
Well, there's a view, but only of a brass pole.
They're just taking the time to make sure the state government is small enough to fit comfortably into women's vaginas. Being Southern gentlemen.
The Confederate Zygotes of America will RISE AGAIN!
They will emerge triumphant.
The embryos are certainly in a pickle. If they unionize to fight for their rights, the GOP will withdraw their support.
Maybe they should team up with the Soylent Green. I hears it's people, too.
I have happily rezoned my entire body as "fun and fun adjacent only" but as we were once a working baby farm I would like to tell Virginians to cut the shit – I can't have my state trying to outdo your crazy. Here they'd just assign a man to walk around with his finger in your cervix holding everything in for nine months whilst praying. Please stop giving us ideas.
How hard was the zoning variance?
Apparently, it was hard enough.
Well, with all the "peculiar or unusual practical difficulties" the permits were a bitch, but DEFINITELY worth it. Improved access always makes things better.
Have I shown you my etchings?
These embryos aren’t even citizens to change my mind someone needs to show me a birth certificate. Now if they were willing to serve our country in the armed services that would be different.
Or clean the bathrooms at Zygote School.
EQUAL RIGHTS FOR FISHHEADS!
Roly poly fish heads are never seen drinking cappucino in Italian resturants with oriental women, yeah! FREE FISH HEADS!
That's primarily because fish heads can't stand yellow sweaters.
Zygotes really need to form their own Super PAC so they can truly have a voice in politics. Needs a name though. Perhaps 'Joy Division PAC' or 'Womb Raider PAC'?
PAC-tocyst?
Fallopian Crossroads?
Uterus United?
American Embryo Institute?
…or considering we're talking about the undeveloped and immature with no awareness of the outside world…
CPAC
Naturally, Brietbart already has the domain BigUterus.com registered.
Making a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow is already taken.
It's actually a really tricky proposal. Theoretically, Repugnicants think embryos should have rights – but what about the half or so of those embryos that will go on to become women? Do they lose those rights once they are born with vajajays, or do they simply never have rights to start with?
ALL zygotes start out w/ lady partz, only developing male "thingies" after a blast of testosterone. There's something here to snark about, but it's too early in the afternoon for me to think of it.
And how do you know that a cute li'l zygote might not turn out to be brown, or blah, or otherwise muslin?
How about Tam?
TamPAC has a nice ring to it.
Now that you've given people the idea, we'll be finding TamPACs all over the country.
Yes, but not SOOPERTamPACs!
First the Susan G. Kohmen Foundation changes its mind. Now Virginia, however briefly, comes to its senses. And the Republican Kandidate Klown Kar has stalled. Again.
Is sanity returning to America in time for November 2012?
If only that poor little four-year-old girl in North Carolina could get her homemade turkey sandwich back…
Potato peelings.
I'll believe zygotes are people when Texas executes one.
Oh – wait a minute. Sorry! That doesn't quite work, does it? Guess that would take the whole point out of the people thing, wouldn't it? I mean, if the state were to actually kill real people and everything.
As you were.
I tried asking Sorosbot Jr! its opinion on the Virginia personhood law, but he or she hasn't developed a brain stem yet and so is still incapable of having any opinions.
Get a Brain(stem) Mor
anula!"hasn't developed a brain stem yet and so is still incapable of having any opinions"
So, your typical Fox audience?
The silent embryos are eerie… It's like the silent protest at UC Davis, but with embryos instead of students.
Horray! The 4 million women in Vaginny were saved from government rape!
Now the 13 million women in Texas will have to hope that the media elite on the coasts give a shit about them too, since we have the same forced vaginal probing law failing in it's court appeals here, and nobody seems to have noticed.
You know, none of the "members" in Austin would have been elected without the votes of women. Don't want to be unsympathetic, but, we get what we vote for. As my Mom put it: "As long as a large number of women want to tell other women what to do with their bodies; this crap will not stop."
Your Mom wins cool points for that. And sane. And sensible.
True, but you have to admit that without the intense national scrutiny of the national media of the Virginia law, Virginian woman would also have "gotten what they voted for", in the vagina.
Ouch. Virginia officially apologizes to Texas for stealing the stupidity limelight this week. We're attention whores.
Attention whores, too?
I know why it was postponed. They couldn't figure out how the zygotes were to get their guns in there. We women of Virginia were pretty pissed about the vaginal ultrasound thing and shoving a gun up there isn't any better. Ouch!
.380 acp is an efficient caliber for concealed carry. Reloading may be a little tricky though.
However, the Virginia Department of Education still requires all students to read "Horton Hears a Zygote".
I wish someone would introduce similar legislation in the New Jersey legislature. I'm really interested in finding out which is more massive – the weight of public ridicule or the weight of Chris Christie?
Click ! click ! Brzzzzqqrkk! Hello? is there anybody in there? bzzzrrggg Whiskey tango foxtrot ! Bxxx…Hello! Hello….Bzzzzzt
This dildo walkie talkie is crap.
You've apparently got the 1994 model, since it makes the same sound effects as logging on to AOL used to.
Aw, the whole thing was just zygotic….and I hope zygotical suicide….
Can we pepper spray them?
No, but a pepper douche might work. (ouch!)
Don't worry. It's basically a food product.
Embryos become self-aware at 11:35 am eastern time, Feb 24th.
I guess those fetuses can go back to posing for the Anti-Abortion protesters' glamor shots.
I have a suggestion: Why don't we protect the rights of the future mother, so she can take care of the interests of the zygote?
Finally, a legislative defeat for Big Fetus.
Apparently the directive came down from on high at the Cell Collective Local #264 that public comment on this issue would not be tolerated.
Fucking unions.
Wait a minute…when you said trillions of Virginians…children are obviously counted in censuses that determine your allotment of House members, right? And these blastocysts or whatever, they would basically be counted as babies…so if the law were passed Virginia could estimate the numbers of new citizens and then have like 500 new Representatives. I mean, all rights and privledges are ALL rights…including proper representation
Zygote libel.
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