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Embryos Greet Defeat Of Virginia’s Personhood Bill With Eerie Silence

Sorry, dollface.Virginia’s vaginas escaped state-sanctioned ‘unwanted penetration,’ temporarily at least, with a proposed transvaginal ultrasound bill thoroughly collapsing under the weight of public ridicule. And now the bill that would have granted any grouping of two or more cells “all the rights, privileges, and immunities” of (most) actual PEOPLE has been tabled until 2013, delivering a massive defeat to trillions of potential Virginians, who will never know how good they could have had it up here, gasping agonally along with the rest of us in these, the last days of the American Empire. So why can’t the glutinous globs of cells that would have finally become ‘persons’ under the bill be reached for comment? Hmmmm? Rather SUSPICIOUS, wouldn’t you say?

The Richmond Times-Dispatch reports on the greatest assault on human dignity in the history of human history that, for some reason (?), the assaulted-on refuse to denounce:

By a vote of 24-14, House Bill 1 — the so-called personhood bill sponsored by Del. Robert G. Marshall, R-Prince William — was re-referred to the Senate Education and Health Committee and carried over to the 2013 legislative session.

[…]

Supporters, including anti-abortion organizations, said the legislation gave rights to the unborn and established a legal cause of action for pregnant women to sue for the wrongful death of their fetus. A GOP amendment tacked on to the bill sought to clarify supporters’ contention that the legislation was not intended to regulate contraception.

But opponents — including about 300 people who gathered at the state Capitol on Thursday to rally for women’s rights — decried the legislation, saying it jeopardized women seeking to become pregnant through in-vitro fertilization, threatened to criminalize contraception and laid the groundwork for a legal challenge to abortion.

YOUR SILENCE IS YOUR CONSENT, EMBRYOS! Uhmmm, did like none of you go to law school? [Richmond Times-Dispatch]

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  • nounverb911

    They are quietly planning a sneak attack on election day.

  • edgydrifter

    If those lazy embryos want the full rights of personhood, they should incorporate.

    • nounverb911

      In Delaware?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Embryos are corporations too, my friend!

    • yrbmegr

      Did the corporations comment? The post is silent about that.

    • LagunaB

      And get a C-PAC.

    • ALIVE!

      Needz mor embryo Super PACs.

  • BornInATrailer

    First they came for the zygotes, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a zygote. And because it was just a cluster of cells, also.

    The End

  • Barb

    Hooray for Virginia. I hope that now their family trees will start to fork.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Perhaps if the Zygotetards did a little less forking this wouldn't be a problem.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Dammit! 7 minutes too late!

  • neiltheblaze

    Zygotes aren't allowed into law school – one of the more shameful examples of our prejudice against "unformed Americans".

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      However, they're invited into math programs cuz they're so good at division.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I think we give uninformed Americans too damn many rights as it is.

    • DoktorThompson

      But they are allowed into business school with all the other single cell organisms.

      • chicken_thief

        WHARTON LIBEL!!!!!

    • tessiee

      I used to work in university administration for many years. Believe me, there are plenty of abortions going to law school.

    • VaWyo

      You are wrong. How could you forget Liberty University and Regent University? They have law schools and I'm sure zygotes are allowed. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson were both once a zygote!

      • neiltheblaze

        I think Falwell and Robertson came from a test tube, myself. Even if they didn't I think it's a fiction well worth maintaining.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Kellogs is extatic, as they now have an unending source of their new cereal, Embry O's, now with extra protein and gluten free!

    • chicken_thief

      To be eaten with a fork or spoon!

      • EatsBabyDingos

        Try the new Bar-B-Que flavor, Ember-y O's today!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And of course the Frito-Lay Corporation is counting on its new snack food "Fetos®" to be a big seller.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Good lord…what would the product mascot be?

      • tessiee

        What's wrong with the cute li'l ovum at the top of the page?

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Would we want cereal represented by an egg? That sounds kind of flaky to me.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Um, not too sure about the "gluten-free" part…just sayin' Truth in Advertising….

    • tessiee

      Like the cereal on the commercials now — you know, the one where the animated cereal squares have long tongues and lick each other — aren't creepy enough.

      • HELisforHEL

        Thank you. I thought it was just me.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Determined Dignified "Dames" Defeat Dominionist Dildonic Dipshits

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Win!

  • el_donaldo

    Embryos don't vote. So fuck 'em, basically.

    • BornInATrailer

      Interestingly, Sandusky follows the same rule.

      (too soon?)

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Embryos always take off early on Fridays.

  • bureaucrap

    This has made Virginia men's sperm all testy.

    • UnholyMoses

      There is a vas deferens between zygotes and sperm.

      (The fact I know how to spell vas deferens is a tribute to my urologist … and the fact mine were snipped.)

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Urethra know how to hurt a guy….

        • UnholyMoses

          Yeah, I should be sacked …

    • Chichikovovich

      It's a seminal moment in Virginia history.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Too bad they don't know how to gamete the system.

    • flamingpdog

      YEEEEEE, I first read "testy" as "tastey"! I need new glasses, I guess, but I may need to get new eyes first.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The embryos are pissed — and come 2031, we'll all hear from them.

    • el_donaldo

      I believe "Satanic Abortionist" Obama has got that one covered.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      If you're pissing embryos, you really need to bring that to the attention of your urologist, not a political blog,

      • SayItWithWookies

        Hey, it's cheaper than schluppin' them out with the Mixmaster.

        • tessiee

          Unless you *want* scrambled eggs.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Oh dear. Maybe I ate them. But I could have sworn it was just shrimp cocktail.

    • Chichikovovich

      Naw. Shrimp are much bigger than that.

  • WorkTheSaxofone

    First thing I did was google "gasping agonally" to see if you just minted it or if it's from Homer. Turns out to be a medical phrase I guess. Alarming poetry.

    • yrbmegr

      Needz moar myoclonus.

      • WorkTheSaxofone

        The Achaeans' barber, if I remember right.

  • UnholyMoses

    "collapsing under the weight of public ridicule."

    It's a Snarkopolypse!!!

    A Snarkami!!

    A Snarkularity!!!!11!!1!onehundredeleven!!111!!!

    Satire and ridicule: Not just for LULZ any more, baby!

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Jeremy Lin called. He wants his meme back.

      However, "snarkularity" deserves word status. I'll grant you that one.

    • GOPCrusher

      It's too bad the weight of public ridicule doesn't rid us of these loathsome trolls, once and for all.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I like Snarkopolypse.

  • samsuncle

    If the grouping of cells had a backbone they would craft a bill that would require republicans to leave them the fuck alone.

    • tessiee

      Or, you know, one of us people-Americans could do that.

  • Ruhe

    The embryos are busy drafting a friend of the court brief in which they take the very principled stance that adoption of such a law places humanity on a very slippery slope. "If we get full rights" the tiny cell-globs argue, "then it's just a matter of time before the sperm are going to want them too and then it's just like…it's all over." They paint a frightening picture of a future in which men will be able to compel women to copulate with them so that their "precious little guys will have a chance at the life God wants for them."

    • Lascauxcaveman

      You write that meaning to be funny, but I think it's a little too close to the truth. But then, I already read The Handmaid's Tale.

    • yrbmegr

      It's a short trip from embryo rights to mitochondria rights, my friend.

    • Guppy

      "it's just a matter of time before the sperm are going to want them too"

      Does that include voting? Because if I'm given a few minutes alone in the voting booth…

    • HELisforHEL

      They paint a frightening picture of a future in which men will be able to compel women to copulate with them so that their "precious little guys will have a chance at the life God wants for them."

      …isn't that argument the only way republicans get laid (by women) to begin with?

  • prommie

    No worries, Virginia is still committed to hateful stupidity, the legislature is still considering the Bill that would prohibit gay people from adopting!

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      That's because, in Virginia, life begins at conception, but caring about that life stops when it leaves the va jay jay.

    • HELisforHEL

      What kind of Americun are you? Virginny knows that teh gays are much more dangerous than easy-as-pie conceal & carry laws.

  • nonbeliever7

    I am so sad for little people-to-be Timmy, Suzie, Billy, Jenny, Bobby, Mohammed, Maria…wait, no… not Mohammed or Maria. We're better off without those anchor embryos and single-celled terrorists.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, the whole save-the-fetuses thing is based on Commandment #6 "Thou Shalt Not Kill."

      But let's not take it too far, shall we?

      • tessiee

        if I'm remembering Sunday School right (instead of blocking it out like I usually do), "thou shalt not kill" is the 5th commandment. The 6th commandment is "thou shalt not commit adultery". So you were actually right, but just stopped too soon.

  • chascates

    This is what feminism has brought forth: that women can do things other bearing children for the good of the State. That is premature antifascism or something.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      "The feminist movement was created to allow ugly women access to the mainstream of society."

      –Rush Limbaugh

      • chicken_thief

        When one is as handsome as the classically sculpted Rushbo, you can get away with saying shit like that.

      • tessiee

        Substitute "black" or "crippled" for "ugly", and it's even more obvious how hateful that comment is.

      • HELisforHEL

        This should be placed on billboards far & wide. While a large proportion of dumbasses would agree with it, it might actually wake some people up to the bile of that lumpen turd and the interests he represents.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    "…collapsing under the weight of public ridicule."

    Stop. Stop. You make us blush.

  • Pragmatist2

    You can't hear them because the Trans-Vaginal Probe is blocking the sound.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    That's what you get for fucking with Embryos.

    • SorosBot

      The Catholic priests are even fucking embryos now? And I thought they were bad before…

      • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

        Hey, if there is DNA on the field, play ball.

  • chicken_thief

    "…said the legislation gave rights to the unborn and established a legal cause of action for pregnant women to sue for the wrongful death of their fetus."

    Now half the nation's attorneys will have to unload their U-Hauls and wait until next year to hopefully get in on the judicial gold rush.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    The GOP embracing cultural warz is totally insane. Good for the DRats, but nutz just the same. Even Jeb Bush is sayin' (at teh Polithoze no less) that the GOP Prezduhdates are likely leading the Rethugs to an electoral Antietam.

    • GOPCrusher

      Would not break my heart to see the Sunken Road littered with their rotting carcasses.

  • Callyson

    If the unborn want politicians to take them seriously, why don't they cough up the campaign contributions? Come on, pay to play, zygotes!

    • Guppy

      Or just buy guns.

  • Doktor Zoom

    You've got to drop this de-fetus attitude, Wonkette.

    • not that Dewey

      The Morula You Know…

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    They're waiting. They're laying in wait, plotting. Planning. Then in nine months, they'll spring forth with a big surprise: they're all gay.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      "I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the Pill showed up. They were mad."

      –Steven Wright

  • Pithaughn

    I don't embryos or zygotes, but I could swear I saw my sperm waving fists in anger from the tissue this morning.

    • chicken_thief

      The 50,000,000 Man March?

    • Swampgas_Man

      I always thought those were teeny-weeny tails!

    • emmelemm

      That image, when combined with your avatar, is quite awful. Thanks!

  • ThundercatHo

    Ya know, if they were a little more concerned about what 2 or more of their brain cells were doing maybe things wouldn't suck so goddamn much.

  • Baconzgood

    GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT! Now let's start fucking again!!!

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    I can only hope that all these ridiculous attempts to get their business all up in my uterus means the Virginia GOP suffers major girl power (and sane male) backlash come November. But then I'm a ridiculous optimist who believes in constitutional rights, so what do I know?

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    The best news for the female fetuses (fetii?) is that they won't get transvaginal probed by the government or patted down by the TSA.

  • TheRiverCharley

    Put down the cheeseburgers and do something embryos! Fat little jerks.

    • tessiee

      This mental picture made me smile.

    • banana_bread

      No kidding. They really could stand to lose a cell or two.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Fuck taking back their country. Women are taking back their lady parts.

  • SorosBot

    There were at least two zygotes who attended law school with me. Shamefully they were never awarded their JDs; those instead went to the mere women who brought them to class in their wombs.

    • orygoon

      And I can tell you from experience just how much help they were to those "mere women". Zzzzzz, barf, zzzzzz, barf, ouch, my leg went to sleep, time for another damn doctor appointment–teaches those lucky ladies to multitask, or whatever.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    What's this about coyotes not being persons?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I think it's about sexually confused goats.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        I'm trying to help with that.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Mickey Kaus?

          • Blueb4sunrise

            That's who we named the counseling group after. New members are referred to as 'Mickeys'.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Of course: "Never mind…."

    • tessiee

      Coyotes are not persons.
      However, they have sufficient standing in the eyes of the law to bring suit against Acme Corporation for product liability.

  • Indiepalin

    All the male sponsors of the VA "Personhood" bill should drive 1,000 miles southwest and show their disgust by mass-ejaculating onto the dusty turf of OK in front of nutjob Gov. Mary Fallon.

    • Barrelhse

      All good, except that thing in the bible about not casting your seed on the ground. Maybe a bukkake would get around that?

    • tessiee

      Don't you ever go to the movies?
      If they did that, the resulting goo would coagulate into a hideous, evil, brainless life form.
      then it would put on a sweater vest and run on the R ticket.

  • orygoon

    I think I may have ridden on airplanes with embryos, but it's hard to tell. However, that baby that was in the row in front of me on Tuesday? Six hours if intermittent-yet-piercing shrieking. Made me re-think the puzzle about "you're in a big lab room. There's a toddler in one corner and a tank of embryos in the opposite corner. A fire breaks out and you only have time to grab one of those and run out–which will it be?"

    • Blueb4sunrise

      The guitar.

      • HELisforHEL

        Many thumbs for you.

    • Barrelhse

      Empty the tank and run with it!

    • tessiee

      What a stupid puzzle.
      You pour the tank of embryos onto the fire, thus putting it out.
      DUH!!

  • paris biltong

    The debate in France, where abortion has been legal for 35 years and health care is more or less free, is at a slightly different level. Some conservatives are suggesting that abortion be no longer covered by the government health care insurance. The left (and sane people in general) argue this that it would amount to discriminating against poor people and make it possible for only the well-to-do to abort. Vaginal probes are more colorful and place the discussion in a different light.

    • Chichikovovich

      Perhaps someone should whisper in the ear of "Bunny" Le Pen and her followers that really, the point of abortion is to reduce the population of Africans in society. Just ask American conservatives, they'll tell you all about it.

      That'll change their minds.

    • Guppy

      Perhaps someone should remind the conservatives in France that "poor people" includes "Algerians."

  • Barb

    The zygotes had nothing to say about this. Virginia, a womb without a view.

    • Chichikovovich

      This post is a thing of beauty. I'd say more but I have to go Woolf down some lunch.

      • Barb

        Thanks and enjoy lunch!

        • Chichikovovich

          Aw crap. Doubleplusbad punfail. I saw "Virginia" and read "womb with a view" as "womb of one's own". Odd blindspot. So embarrassing it makes me want to book a passage to India.

          Edit: Ah, I see nothing gets by my Suomist buddy.

          Edit II: Still think Barb's post was exceptionally clever.

    • paris biltong

      Virginia had a womb of her own. EM Forster had one with a view, but he was a male person.

    • Guppy

      Well, there's a view, but only of a brass pole.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    They're just taking the time to make sure the state government is small enough to fit comfortably into women's vaginas. Being Southern gentlemen.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    The Confederate Zygotes of America will RISE AGAIN!

    • Geminisunmars

      They will emerge triumphant.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The embryos are certainly in a pickle. If they unionize to fight for their rights, the GOP will withdraw their support.

    Maybe they should team up with the Soylent Green. I hears it's people, too.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I have happily rezoned my entire body as "fun and fun adjacent only" but as we were once a working baby farm I would like to tell Virginians to cut the shit – I can't have my state trying to outdo your crazy. Here they'd just assign a man to walk around with his finger in your cervix holding everything in for nine months whilst praying. Please stop giving us ideas.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      How hard was the zoning variance?

      • Oblios_Cap

        Apparently, it was hard enough.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Well, with all the "peculiar or unusual practical difficulties" the permits were a bitch, but DEFINITELY worth it. Improved access always makes things better.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Have I shown you my etchings?

  • Goonemeritus

    These embryos aren’t even citizens to change my mind someone needs to show me a birth certificate. Now if they were willing to serve our country in the armed services that would be different.

    • tessiee

      Or clean the bathrooms at Zygote School.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    EQUAL RIGHTS FOR FISHHEADS!

    Roly poly fish heads are never seen drinking cappucino in Italian resturants with oriental women, yeah! FREE FISH HEADS!

    • tessiee

      That's primarily because fish heads can't stand yellow sweaters.

  • MissTaken

    Zygotes really need to form their own Super PAC so they can truly have a voice in politics. Needs a name though. Perhaps 'Joy Division PAC' or 'Womb Raider PAC'?

    • SorosBot

      PAC-tocyst?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Fallopian Crossroads?
      Uterus United?
      American Embryo Institute?
      …or considering we're talking about the undeveloped and immature with no awareness of the outside world…
      CPAC

      Naturally, Brietbart already has the domain BigUterus.com registered.

      • Geminisunmars

        Making a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow is already taken.

  • Redhead

    It's actually a really tricky proposal. Theoretically, Repugnicants think embryos should have rights – but what about the half or so of those embryos that will go on to become women? Do they lose those rights once they are born with vajajays, or do they simply never have rights to start with?

    • Swampgas_Man

      ALL zygotes start out w/ lady partz, only developing male "thingies" after a blast of testosterone. There's something here to snark about, but it's too early in the afternoon for me to think of it.

    • tessiee

      And how do you know that a cute li'l zygote might not turn out to be brown, or blah, or otherwise muslin?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    How about Tam?

    TamPAC has a nice ring to it.

    • Chichikovovich

      Now that you've given people the idea, we'll be finding TamPACs all over the country.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Yes, but not SOOPERTamPACs!

  • Tundra Grifter

    First the Susan G. Kohmen Foundation changes its mind. Now Virginia, however briefly, comes to its senses. And the Republican Kandidate Klown Kar has stalled. Again.

    Is sanity returning to America in time for November 2012?

    If only that poor little four-year-old girl in North Carolina could get her homemade turkey sandwich back…

  • sati_demise

    Potato peelings.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I'll believe zygotes are people when Texas executes one.

    Oh – wait a minute. Sorry! That doesn't quite work, does it? Guess that would take the whole point out of the people thing, wouldn't it? I mean, if the state were to actually kill real people and everything.

    As you were.

  • SorosBot

    I tried asking Sorosbot Jr! its opinion on the Virginia personhood law, but he or she hasn't developed a brain stem yet and so is still incapable of having any opinions.

    • Nostrildamus

      Get a Brain(stem) Moranula!

    • tessiee

      "hasn't developed a brain stem yet and so is still incapable of having any opinions"

      So, your typical Fox audience?

  • Generation[redacted]

    The silent embryos are eerie… It's like the silent protest at UC Davis, but with embryos instead of students.

  • iburl

    Horray! The 4 million women in Vaginny were saved from government rape!
    Now the 13 million women in Texas will have to hope that the media elite on the coasts give a shit about them too, since we have the same forced vaginal probing law failing in it's court appeals here, and nobody seems to have noticed.

    • Puffperney

      You know, none of the "members" in Austin would have been elected without the votes of women. Don't want to be unsympathetic, but, we get what we vote for. As my Mom put it: "As long as a large number of women want to tell other women what to do with their bodies; this crap will not stop."

      • HELisforHEL

        Your Mom wins cool points for that. And sane. And sensible.

      • iburl

        True, but you have to admit that without the intense national scrutiny of the national media of the Virginia law, Virginian woman would also have "gotten what they voted for", in the vagina.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Ouch. Virginia officially apologizes to Texas for stealing the stupidity limelight this week. We're attention whores.

      • tessiee

        Attention whores, too?

  • VaWyo

    I know why it was postponed. They couldn't figure out how the zygotes were to get their guns in there. We women of Virginia were pretty pissed about the vaginal ultrasound thing and shoving a gun up there isn't any better. Ouch!

    • FraAnima

      .380 acp is an efficient caliber for concealed carry. Reloading may be a little tricky though.

  • James Michael Curley

    However, the Virginia Department of Education still requires all students to read "Horton Hears a Zygote".

  • flamingpdog

    I wish someone would introduce similar legislation in the New Jersey legislature. I'm really interested in finding out which is more massive – the weight of public ridicule or the weight of Chris Christie?

  • cheetojeebus

    Click ! click ! Brzzzzqqrkk! Hello? is there anybody in there? bzzzrrggg Whiskey tango foxtrot ! Bxxx…Hello! Hello….Bzzzzzt

    This dildo walkie talkie is crap.

    • tessiee

      You've apparently got the 1994 model, since it makes the same sound effects as logging on to AOL used to.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Aw, the whole thing was just zygotic….and I hope zygotical suicide….

  • tessiee

    Can we pepper spray them?

    • Geminisunmars

      No, but a pepper douche might work. (ouch!)

      • Generation[redacted]

        Don't worry. It's basically a food product.

  • mavenmaven

    Embryos become self-aware at 11:35 am eastern time, Feb 24th.

  • elburritodeluxe

    I guess those fetuses can go back to posing for the Anti-Abortion protesters' glamor shots.

  • greypanter

    I have a suggestion: Why don't we protect the rights of the future mother, so she can take care of the interests of the zygote?

  • Naked_Bunny

    Finally, a legislative defeat for Big Fetus.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Apparently the directive came down from on high at the Cell Collective Local #264 that public comment on this issue would not be tolerated.

    Fucking unions.

  • NYNYNYjr

    Wait a minute…when you said trillions of Virginians…children are obviously counted in censuses that determine your allotment of House members, right? And these blastocysts or whatever, they would basically be counted as babies…so if the law were passed Virginia could estimate the numbers of new citizens and then have like 500 new Representatives. I mean, all rights and privledges are ALL rights…including proper representation

  • ttommyunger

    Zygote libel.