SAY HELLO TO VIRGINIA'S LITTLE FRIEND  9:41 am February 15, 2012

Virginia Mandates ‘Unwanted Vaginal Penetration’ For The Abortion-Curious

by Kaia Mursi

Practicing their love.Good heavens, your Wonkette can barely keep up with the hijinx our moral police are getting themselves into, as they bedevil legislatures and statehouses nationwide. Seems they are hell-bent on sticking a finger into every possible pie — up to and including vagina pie! Take the Republican supermajority in the Virginia House of Delegates, for example, which just passed a bill requiring any lady wanting an abortion to first have a doctor determine the gestational age of her fetus and listen to its heartbeat. Okay, whatever, a little jelly on the belly, and then, wheeeeeeee, off to the Abortionplex? Um, NOT QUITE!

Virginia is actually talking about the kind of ultrasound that involves a dildo-type sonic boom-generator penetrating the vagina, in a sort of, well, completely non-optional fashion. The Virginian-Pilot explains:

The ultrasound requirement may evoke images of the abdominal sonograms standard in most pregnancies, fuzzy black and white pictures conjured by a wand passed across a woman’s stomach.

But those ultrasounds are ordinarily done fairly late in pregnancy. In the beginning, particularly the first weeks, an abdominal ultrasound may not be sensitive enough to detect anything.

That’s why doctors in many cases use a transvaginal ultrasound. In plainspeak, they insert a condom-covered probe into a woman’s vagina to obtain an image.

In order to satisfy the goals of the legislation – which includes a requirement that a doctor determine the gestational age of the pregnancy- a transvaginal ultrasound may be the only reliable course.

Not that valid medical reasons for transvaginal ultrasounds don’t exist. It’s just that, for supporters of this new bill, getting a chance to enforce clinical rape is now medical reason enough, thanks for asking!

If only there were some completely unqualified scrum of idiots to shed a little light on this topic…. OH LOOK:

The conservative Family Foundation hailed the ultrasound measure as an “update” to the state’s existing informed consent laws “with the most advanced medical technology available.”

Did you know, though, that this wonderful process of obtaining “informed consent” for an abortion actually involves not being able to refuse a Magic Wanding of one’s swimsuit area? It’s true! House Republicans voted down an amendment that would have allowed women to opt out of “unwanted vaginal penetration.”

Unwanted Vaginal Penetration. What a marvelous turn of phrase to enter America’s lexicon, in 2012! [WaPo/ARLnow via Hullabaloo; Virginian-Pilot]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 269 comments }

Indiepalin February 15, 2012 at 9:42 am

Rape. Murder. It's just a shot away.

GorzoTheMighty February 15, 2012 at 10:08 am

Who give us shelter from these idiots.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:24 am

And love is just a kiss away, just a kiss away. Now take these roofies…

prommie February 15, 2012 at 9:43 am

if it weren't for unwanted vaginal penetration, they'd have no vaginal penetration at all.

Spurning Beer February 15, 2012 at 10:19 am

We're all in for some unwanted rectal penetration, Richmond style.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:25 am

Virginia is for rapists

mrpuma2u February 15, 2012 at 11:23 am

a win for the hee-haw reference alone. SAAAA-lute!

prommie February 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

Gloom, despair, agony on me, deep dark depression, excessive misery. . . . .

When I was young, the only vaginal penetration I got was pity vaginal penetration.

Swampgas_Man February 15, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Virginia is for Penetrators.

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 9:43 am

"Unwanted Vaginal Penetration." or "Rape"…tomato tomahto.

Let's call this whole thing off.

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 9:44 am

I would really like to give some unwanted testicular whackings with a baseball bat to every one of the woman-hating fucknuts who voted for this bill.

Chillwillard February 15, 2012 at 10:04 am

Or they should be forced to use "the most advanced medical technology available” for their own colon cancer screenings.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 11:02 am

The Jaws of Life and a rusty tuba?

bikerlaureate February 15, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Props.
"Forced" is the word, alright.

It's the responsible small-government thing to do – for the good of these middle-aged men at risk.

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 10:25 am

The bat could be used as a probe.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:52 am

Assumes facts not in evidence (in re: testicles)

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 10:57 am

True, there are also the ladies who hate women among the GOP.

orygoon February 15, 2012 at 10:59 am

I'm starting to really, really like you, even though you're a funny-looking guy.

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 11:17 am

Geez, are you trying to make my girlfriend jealous here?

Geminisunmars February 15, 2012 at 11:35 am

Today we are all your girlfriend.

orygoon February 15, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Nooo–trying to make Mr. Goony jealous. Never works; he's not the type. But I want that A for effort!

MissTaken February 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

Hey now. I go away for just few hours for sleep and when I come back everyone is hitting on my boyfriend!

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 11:44 am

Don't worry, I'm not going to be hitting on anyone back. And I wouldn't even if I didn't know you were watching.

Steverino247 February 15, 2012 at 1:26 pm

And SorosBot wins the Ball Rub for Life competition!

And to show you what a good sport I am, may I offer my size 15 boots (feet included) when those VA testicles need that special attention?

BerkeleyBear February 15, 2012 at 11:14 am

I was thinking of the tried and true Wonkette diagnostic tool – rusty chainsaw up rectum, sideways.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Is "sideways" so they shouldn't be without a sensation?

Maman February 15, 2012 at 11:27 am

chase them down with dildos. That is a transvaginal instrument too.

annajohnstone February 16, 2012 at 5:18 am

Borrowing that lol.

Barb February 15, 2012 at 9:45 am

Virginia is for "Lovers!" Lovers of unwanted vaginal penetration!

chicken_thief February 15, 2012 at 9:51 am

Lovers of mandatory spread 'em.

hagajim February 15, 2012 at 10:28 am

Makes me wonder if our alien overlords are already here, now legalizing probes.

PuckStopsHere February 15, 2012 at 9:47 am

It goes without saying that this gestational age determination procedure shall be mandated even if the pregnancy in question was caused by unwanted vaginal penetration in the first place.

mrblifil February 15, 2012 at 9:57 am

Penises don't penetrate people. People penetrate people.

CapnFatback February 15, 2012 at 10:15 am

Hey, it's only the inscription inside every woman's promise ring: "Unwanted vaginal penetration begets unwanted vaginal penetration."

Clancy_Pants February 15, 2012 at 9:48 am

How about a tutorial with your morning coffee? (scroll down for the transvaginal learnin')

Who says the GOP is for smaller government?

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

Damn…the Pro-choice folks should be buying billboard space with images like that on them.

hagajim February 15, 2012 at 10:29 am

Who says the GOP is for smaller government?

They do, but what they mean is smaller minded and really intrusive.

Blueb4sunrise February 15, 2012 at 10:40 am

Ya want it transverse or longitudinal, honey?

Biff February 15, 2012 at 10:58 am

I expected something bigger…

YasserArraFeck February 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

Yer average conservatard hears that all the time…..

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:39 pm

"smaller government" = Government – all social services = military + punishing women for fucking.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 15, 2012 at 9:49 am

The conservative Family Foundation hailed the ultrasound measure…

If only we had truth-in-labeling laws.

"The Conservative Government-Mandated Rape Foundation hailed the ultrasound measure…"

They are for Big Government, after all. Big Government in your pie.
~

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:32 pm

If the "Anti-Sex League" was good enough for Orwell, it's good enough for Virginia.

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I for one would much rather live in Huxley's distopia than Orwell's.

MosesInvests February 15, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Orgy-porgy?

ChernobylSoup February 15, 2012 at 9:49 am

Do these male "Delegates" not have wives who can manage a rolling pin or iron skillet when needed? And I'm not talking about making biscuits.

BerkeleyBear February 15, 2012 at 11:15 am

They'd have to order the help to do it for them. And after that movie, they are all a little more afraid of the help.

CommieLibunatic February 15, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Why would they settle for kitchen gear when the crowbar in the tool shed is looking so lonely?

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:35 pm

True story:
A good friend of mine had grandparents who were… very old-school, as people born in that era tended to be.
One day, Grandpa Kreplach came home from his job at the factory to find Grandma Kreplach cooking dinner in the cast-iron frying pan. She said something he didn't care for, so he slapped her across the face.
Grandma then took the red hot cast iron skillet off the stove and swung for the fence.
When Grandpa woke up on the kitchen floor, Grandma's words to him were:

"You gotta sleep sometime".

Not_So_Much February 15, 2012 at 9:50 am

Well, they keep saying 'keep the gubbmint outta are bedrooms!!1!' They're just moving the sessy time to good ol' Doc Nelson's office.

chicken_thief February 15, 2012 at 9:50 am

"transvaginal ultrasound"

Sounds kinky to me. Is that a phallic shaped probe dressed in drag?!

jus_wonderin February 15, 2012 at 9:59 am

This almost reminds me of the techo-babble the actors recite on Star Trek: The Next Denigration.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:26 am

I don't know, but I'm so naming my thrash-metal grrrrrrrrrl band "Transvaginal Ultrasound"

jus_wonderin February 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

I bet you thrash-metal band is notable for its pulse pounding beat?

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:42 am

Throbbing, cramping, knee-bending beat

Chet Kincaid February 15, 2012 at 10:39 am

You'll have to pry that band name from my probing dead fingers!!

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:43 am

Oooh! "Probing Dead Fingers"! Even better!

wolvenwood13 February 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

No, no, we're not talking about Newt here.

Chillwillard February 15, 2012 at 9:52 am

Virginia Is For (Fetus) Lovers.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:49 am

Your move, Floriduh.

Negligently_Joe February 19, 2012 at 12:20 am

Virginia is for (woman) haters.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 9:52 am

The Constitution says nothing about unwanted vaginal penetration, so this is perfectly OK.

-Antonin Scalia

BerkeleyBear February 15, 2012 at 11:18 am

Well, the 5th Circuit (aka Scalia's scrotum warmers) already okayed similar legislation in Texas. So yeah, fat Tony's got no problem with the ladies getting something shoved up their hoo hahs. After all, if they were all that particular about their lady parts they wouldn't be needing an abortion, heh?

imissopus February 15, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"It's safe sex, essentially." – Megyn Kelly

el_donaldo February 15, 2012 at 9:54 am

So it's not enough for the GOP's vision of a totalitarian state to keep an eye on what you're doing with your naughty bits; they feel like they need to be all up inside your naughty bits to see what you've done.

FREEDOM!!!! obviously.

CommieLibunatic February 15, 2012 at 12:31 pm

The government needs to be smaller so it can enter your uterus with a magnifying glass and flashlight.

Limeylizzie February 15, 2012 at 9:54 am

I have had a few unwanted vaginal penetrations in my time, mostly due to a few too many cocktails, but I don't recall them being government-sanctioned.

jus_wonderin February 15, 2012 at 10:03 am

LL, I bet in Virginia, you'd be able to cite those occurrences and thereby be able to refuse this mandate. Hehe, I said mandate.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:27 am

Never tried to talk your way out of a DUI, I see

prommie February 15, 2012 at 10:38 am

Hear about the polish woman who was pulled over for DUI? The cop looked at her license, saw that her name was Stankowski, and started to unzip his pants. Seeing this, she says "oh, no, not the breathalyzer again."

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 11:10 am

You got the reference, I see.

BerkeleyBear February 15, 2012 at 11:20 am

Darling, I would never seek to take advantage of you (pours martini). Now just sit next to me and tell me all about it.

BTWBFDIMHO February 15, 2012 at 11:26 am

Next time, keep Dorothy Parker's poem in mind:

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.

oldmayfly February 15, 2012 at 12:38 pm

You beat me to it! And what's more, your quote is more accurate.

oldmayfly February 15, 2012 at 12:37 pm

As Dorothy Parker said, "I enjoy a cocktail–one, or two at most. Three and I'm under the table; four and I'm under the host."

EatsBabyDingos February 15, 2012 at 9:54 am

"Welcome to Vaginia. Please keep your legs closed."

littlebigdaddy February 15, 2012 at 9:54 am

Well the Bournemouth Amateur Gynecologists approve!

Pragmatist2 February 15, 2012 at 9:55 am

I'd suggest a little "unwanted anal penetration" to see how far up their asses these guys heads are.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 12:55 pm

All the way, Katie. All the way.

Tundra Grifter February 15, 2012 at 9:55 am

Kaia: You write about “unwanted vaginal penetration" like it's a bad thing.

Trannysurprise February 15, 2012 at 9:56 am

While they're in there they should be sure and tell the baby they won't give two fucks about it once it's born. You know, for the laffs.

mrblifil February 15, 2012 at 9:56 am

"Unwanted vaginal penetration" is certainly not in my lexicon. I find myself wanting to penetrate them pretty much all the time.

Hera Sent Me February 15, 2012 at 9:57 am

So now Republicans are admitting that they literally want to fuck with American women?

Wow, what honesty.

Isyaignert February 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Dumbass men – don't they realize that if there's no birth control there isn't going to be any fukkin? Women aren't stupid.

prommie February 15, 2012 at 9:57 am

I didn't want to go to work this morning, I felt I was forced to. I regard this as an adbuction and kidnapping. It happens 5 times a week, too.

qwerty42 February 15, 2012 at 9:58 am

Is this part of the GOP's laser-like focus on jobs? Now I guess those slutty wimmin will object to dildos being stuck in them by caring, concerned doctors and lab techs, and (if only symbolically) the Virginia House of Delegates and the Family Foundation. Perhaps some some members of the House would like to be present? As exemplars?

YasserArraFeck February 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

More probe-pushers = more jerbs!!

caitifty February 15, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Perhaps the device itself can be emblazoned with the crest of the Virginia House of Delegates and the logo of the Family Foundation. You know, just to make sure all women subjected to it know exactly who's fucking them.

kissawookiee February 15, 2012 at 9:58 am

Just hazarding a guess here that Virginia is going to end up being hit with this whole bureaucracy upon bureaucracy being built up with all kinds of levels of people to support women in the state who are now being unwantedly vaginally penetrated too much.

Biff February 15, 2012 at 11:08 am

I'm sure fox already has an "expert" on retainer.

Terry February 15, 2012 at 9:59 am

Well, thank goodness we have the GOP'ers around to make sure that government stays out of our lives.

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 10:11 am

Today's GOP: Less government in your lives…more government in your womb.

tcaalaw February 15, 2012 at 10:00 am

There's an "All of 'em, Katie" joke in this, but I'm too classy to use it.

John Birf Society February 15, 2012 at 10:02 am

If you liked this, you'll love President Santorum's law mandating 24-hour-a-day fetal monitoring after sex.

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 10:07 am

If he could get away with it I think Santorum would propose mandatory chastity belts for all unmarried Americans.

CivicHoliday February 15, 2012 at 10:28 am

He'll mandate that bars give out pee cups at last call for all the loose ladies, to be express mailed in 2 weeks later

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 10:32 am

He'll even mandate fetal monitoring after a still birth… for the whole family. Sick Fuck.

jus_wonderin February 15, 2012 at 10:39 am

Well, hell, that monitor feedback is going to drive my dogs….krazy!!

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:45 pm

If this keeps up, he'll be having funerals for tampons.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 11:22 am

Sharight! Just an excuse to see naked chicks on webcams for free…

Isyaignert February 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Is that "fetal" or "fecal'?

EatsBabyDingos February 15, 2012 at 10:02 am

Virginia: The East Coast Ari-Missi-Texasota. Like bobbing for apples in a broken Trailways bus station toilet.

GOPCrusher February 15, 2012 at 1:24 pm

DEAD TOILET RAT LIBEL !!1!1

GortRay February 15, 2012 at 10:02 am

Bend over and spread 'em…here comes your Freedom Probe. It's what Jeebus would do, yes? Welcome to the Inquisition.

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 10:04 am

Besides being invasive and designed solely to harass women for carrying out their Constitutionally protected right to control their own body, the heartbeat measure of the bill is just plain stupid. Early in a pregnancy, when the vast majority of abortions are performed, doctors can't actually detect the heartbeat, because the heart either hasn't formed yet or, if a little later, it's too faint to detect.

Besides, what the fuck is the importance of the heart? All it does is pump blood. Just because Aristotle's fallacy in believing the heart was the seat of emotions was followed throughout the middle ages doesn't change the empirical fact that he was wrong, and we now know that all our thoughts and feelings are in the brain; that's where our selves reside, and it doesn't develop until much later in a pregnancy.

CivicHoliday February 15, 2012 at 10:31 am

If they really wanted to "inform" moms they should show them a 3-D accurate gestational age drawing. You know, because we all like knowing that we have tiny bloated alien headed snakes living in our bodies. Heck, the abortion rate may go UP after that!

Chichikovovich February 15, 2012 at 10:32 am

Absolutely right. And yet all these people (mindful of pr and legal constraints – nobody can say they aren't well coached) say "no, it's not religious, it's all about new scientific discoveries. That's why we need to rape make available the latest scientific information to women, whether they want it or not". Yet when it's convenient the "science" they end up appealing to are the views of people like Aristotle (sometimes filtered through St. Thomas A.) who maintained that women have fewer teeth than men (History of Animals 2.3.501b19-21) (when a simple examination would have proven to him he was wrong), not to mention that women have smaller brains than men (Parts of Animals 2.7.653a28-9), that women are “mutilated males" (Generation of Animals 2.3.737a27-8), that the leader of a hive is the "king bee" (HA 8 [9].40.623b9-10), and of course, the immortal scientific pronouncement "the female is more dispirited and more despondent than the male, more shameless and more lying, readier to deceive and possessing a better memory for grudges" (HA 8 [9].1.608b10-12)

YasserArraFeck February 15, 2012 at 11:46 am

……… is more dispirited and more despondent …….., more shameless and more lying, readier to deceive and possessing a better memory for grudges

Hell, crap – that sounds like 95% of the Irish population!

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 10:33 am

Science Shmience… Boooo!!

Sassomatic February 15, 2012 at 11:01 am

Don't be tryin' to get all science-y there. You make Jesus angry.

BerkeleyBear February 15, 2012 at 11:29 am

Don't think for a second these fucks now shit about Aristotle. They've just seen too many schmaltzy TV movies where the moment a woman hears the fetus' heartbeat she bonds with it and can't dream of aborting it. They've been on this heartbeat shit for decades, again in part because TV made the beep beep flatline such an awesome bloodless stand-in for death.

I will say as a father that when you I heard the heartbeat of my (wanted) potential child for the first time, it was pretty cool/moving. But that was, again, in a situation where I already knew I wanted to be a father and no one was ramming anything up my wife's va jay jay to let me hear it.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 12:53 pm

The middle ages is pretty much where progress stopped for these cretins, so this makes perfect sense to them.

savethispatient February 15, 2012 at 1:03 pm

If a heartbeat is a sign of life, what do they think about Cheney?

ALIVE! February 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Good point. I think we need to do some deep probing into his case to determine what it means.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:50 pm

"being invasive and designed solely to harass women for carrying out their Constitutionally protected right to control their own body"

Dingdingding!
All the window dressing about the heartbeat is a damn lie, and a clumsy, unconvincing lie at that. They don't care about women, they barely care about fetuses, and they actively hate science. It's to punish women for fucking, the end.

MissNancyPriss February 15, 2012 at 6:38 pm

you should be senior docent at the abortionplex!

Soylent Green February 15, 2012 at 8:12 pm

A GOP would find this as the most hilarous thing they ever read on Wonkette. Thoughts and feelings inside this supposed "Brain".

Indiepalin February 15, 2012 at 10:06 am

Bill sponsor Del. Kathy Byron (R), is completely on board with this legislation, recalling the time she had to give up tequila "because it made my vaginal cavity hurt".

Negligently_Joe February 15, 2012 at 10:25 am

Tila Tequila makes my genitals hurt, too. And not in the good way.

YasserArraFeck February 15, 2012 at 11:47 am

Kathy – you have to take the tequila out of the bottle….

Guppy February 15, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Yeah, I think I've seen those emergency room xrays on the web…

Gratuitous World February 15, 2012 at 10:07 am

they're just shrinking govt. to the size where they can save it from your vagina.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:51 am

They don't want to drown it in a bathtub, they want to shove it up a vagina.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 12:49 pm

they're just shrinking govt. to the size where they can save it from shove it up your vagina.

Fixed.

jus_wonderin February 15, 2012 at 10:07 am

Virginia, my ass.

sewollef February 15, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I suspect you could ask for it up your ass instead… if you ask nicely.

Mumbletypeg February 15, 2012 at 10:09 am

Silly Virginian legis-scope-perpetrators. Manic fetal-fixation pimping went out long ago, like in the 80s with Phyllis Shoo-fly, promise rings and that banal but catchy tune "Papa Don't Preach."

BaldarTFlagass February 15, 2012 at 10:13 am

If she opts to keep the kid after this "ultrasound" procedure, won't it be deaf?

Biff February 15, 2012 at 11:18 am

Ultrasound, autotune, same difference.

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 11:25 am

Wow…this would be a supreme example of the Law of Unintended Consequences at work.

Dateline: VA has highest rate of deafness in the nation. VA senator boasts of number of abortions prevented.

GOPCrusher February 15, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Probably will grow up to be a submariner.

EatsBabyDingos February 15, 2012 at 10:13 am

I liked the esteemed Shenandoah delegate who said yesterday that "the vast majority of abortions are for lifestyle convenience." I thought the majority were for Abortopork Rinds.

BaldarTFlagass February 15, 2012 at 10:17 am

That's only in Oklahoma

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 10:20 am

Or for fajfetus…

jus_wonderin February 15, 2012 at 10:57 am

I generally ask for the large order of Beef and Cheese Abortos so I can share them with a friend.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Fetus donuts and umbrella drinks for all!

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 10:22 am

I think not having a child that would completely change your lifestyle (not to mention the pain of pregnancy and childbirth) is a little more than just convenience.

johnedens February 15, 2012 at 10:47 am

The only appropriate response is, "Yeah, so what?"

BerkeleyBear February 15, 2012 at 11:32 am

Yet another shining example of the Adam Savage Philosophy – "I reject your reality and substitute my own." Funny on a TV show about blowing stuff up. Not so funny with politicians debating legislation.

kissawookiee February 15, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Gotta do something to fill up those punchcards for free Abortopork Rinds now that A&P quit giving out stamps.

IncenseDebate February 15, 2012 at 10:13 am

You know who else wanted to probe the vaginas of Virginia?

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 10:18 am

Thomas Jefferson?

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 10:20 am

Sir Walter Raleigh?

Spurning Beer February 15, 2012 at 10:26 am

Santa Claus? Yes, Virginia.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 12:47 pm

♫♪ Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus… ♫♪

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Hey, if you got to come but once a year, you'd be horny, too!

"Yes, yes, oh, yes Virginia!"

Mumbletypeg February 15, 2012 at 10:28 am

Any number of horny young CPAC gadabouts ahead of Erick²son in line at the CVS?

chicken_thief February 15, 2012 at 10:40 am

George "The Father of Our Country" Washington?

proudgrampa February 15, 2012 at 10:46 am

Well, Leonard Woolf. But that was only one vagina of Virginia.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:51 am

John Bobbit's penis?

TheMightyHaltor February 15, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Newt Gingrich?

imissopus February 15, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Me, in high school? And during vacations from college? And occasionally on visits now when I'm bored sitting around my parents' house?

gingerland62 February 22, 2012 at 1:01 am

Bill Clinton?

jus_wonderin February 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

Oh my. I bet Tequila was not what hurt her. It was her lowered inhibitions and the Buckingham Branch Railroad Gangbangs she was the focus of………………..

ThundercatHo February 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

Next time these GOP fucks go in for their govt. health insurance 100% covered exams instead of using an old-fashioned stethoscope the clinicians should shove one of these up their assholes to hear the heartbeat since it is the latest medical technology available.

outragedcitizen February 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

IE: Norfuck, Va.

imissopus February 15, 2012 at 12:45 pm

That is the old hometown chant: "Don't drink, don't smoke, Norfolk!"

outragedcitizen February 15, 2012 at 10:17 am

Women of Virginia, please feel free to come up to Maryland to see our doctors. For the moment anyway, we are a bit more sane here.

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 10:18 am

Virginia doctors will be busy marrying all those ladies… 'cuz you know if you rape her you marry her. After all that's what the bible says.

BigDumbRedDog February 15, 2012 at 10:20 am

Not only is it extra invasive but they want you to have a full bladder while they're doing it. Something about being able to see all the goodies in there better. So they shove this thing up your hoo-ha and then press down on your bladder as you try your hardest not to pee all over everything. I had one once and after about ten minutes of poking and prodding I literally had to tell the guy "if you touch me one more time I will pee all over you, I swear to god." It was so fun!

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 10:35 am

Just let 'er rip… if each lady did this, this shit would be done in a week.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:50 am

You warned him? There's your mistake!

banana_bread February 15, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Not only that but it hurts like a bitch, too! For those of you not fortunate enough to have had one of these done, they take the wand and shove it in as far as it can go, the, they angle it up and start pressing. Hard. It's like getting a pap smear with a banana.

finallyhappy February 15, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I had one and I did pee- but I wasn't pregnant. Fibroids were growing- but now that I am old(er)- they shrunk- yeah!

Mumbletypeg February 15, 2012 at 10:21 am

You are now entering the Commonwealth of Virginia.
We have the death penalty here, but insist you wear a helmet while riding the Hogg.
Pack heat at your own discretion, in church or in state; but ladies prepare to surrender your rights after riding the Log.

GOPCrusher February 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm

BURMA SHAVE!

jodyleek February 15, 2012 at 10:23 am

I am so sick and tired of these assholes taking away the rights of women to control their own bodies – no snark here, just anger and disgust! Do these pricks who claim to be "pro-life" donate their blood or tissues? Because if they are not doing just that on a regular basis, THEY are killing actual babies. Pony up you "pro-life" dipshits – donate as much bone marrow as possible because if you are not, you are just punishing women for having vaginas, not saving precious lives like you claim. Why doesn't a Dem write up a bill stating that everyone male must be registered in a tissue and blood database and if someone needs blood or tissue, then they must donate it or face jail time? And even that doesn't go far enough, because the effects of being forced to have a child that you can't afford or didn't want last a lifetime. Sooooo pissed off I can't stand it! Grrrrrrrr!!!

YasserArraFeck February 15, 2012 at 11:50 am

Being VA, of course, there will be an exemption allowing you to forbid your blood/tissue going to coloreds.

Dumbedup February 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm

"Pro Life" was never "Pro Life" it was always about controlling women and putting that particular genie (freedom) back in the bottle. But enough women keep voting these people in to make them elected representatives. I would really discourage my daughter from ever living in a place that so diminished her rights, I don't know why any woman would live in such a place.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 2:17 pm

"Why doesn't a Dem write up a bill stating that everyone male must be registered in a tissue and blood database and if someone needs blood or tissue, then they must donate it or face jail time?"

Because there are laws on the books saying that this kind of invasion into a person's rights and body integrity is unconstitutional — except, you know, women.

gingerland62 February 22, 2012 at 1:06 am

I too, am completely mortified by this. It is surreal. The government is going to tell a doctor to do a procedure he doesn't want to do(mechanically raping) on a woman that doesn't want the procedure(mechanical rape). Do these legislators want to watch too?

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 10:23 am

"…an abdominal ultrasound may not be sensitive enough to detect anything."

Um… because there is not enough to detect?

Negligently_Joe February 15, 2012 at 10:23 am

Sure, Liberals always so quick to complain when there's "too much rape" in our military, justforinstance, but who but our Family Values Conservatives are willing to legislate for direct government intervention when there' isn't enough rape?

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 10:37 am

All of…

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 10:24 am

First, you'll need a blindfold and these roofies….

What? Anyone else think some perv isn't going to go all "meatstick sonogram" with this?

GOPCrusher February 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Does this rag smell like chloroform?

CapnFatback February 15, 2012 at 10:25 am

Virginia Republicans: there are far more subtle and flattering ways to try to obtain pictures of naked ladyparts.

iburl February 15, 2012 at 10:30 am

Like at the airport pornoscanner?

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 10:37 am

I just got sent through one of those for the first time Monday. It's weird thinking that some TSA employee might be looking at X-ray images of my junk right now.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 11:06 am

I have a…friend….close friend…who always gets scanned.

Her job as an adult film star might have something to do with that.

Chichikovovich February 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

Now there's some committed pervs right there – presumably there are pictures of her naked in all sorts of challenging poses, engaged in all sorts of creative activities. Available at the click of a mouse or a Google search. And instead they prefer the kind of peeping pictures imagined by 11-year old boys ordering X-ray specs.

smitallica February 15, 2012 at 10:29 am

"Unwanted vaginal penetration."

Or, as Republicans call it, "Our entire legislative agenda."

sharethegrief February 15, 2012 at 10:30 am

Unwanted vaginal probes – the new Virginia Slims.

Spurning Beer February 15, 2012 at 10:31 am

I have real doubts that these Virginia legislators have heartbeats. We need to make sure that they do. I propose that we use the best technology available, and mandate trans-urethral (cystoscopic) ultrasound.

BerkeleyBear February 15, 2012 at 11:35 am

Oh, fuck that noise – let's just crack their chests open without anesthesia and see what makes em tick.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I'm guessing no brain wave activity, either.

chascates February 15, 2012 at 10:32 am

Female sexuality is just plain scary! Add to that all the trouble these 'feminists' have stirred up, what with their yowling for equal pay and respect as individuals.

Things were so much easier back in the 1800s. For men, any way.

iburl February 15, 2012 at 10:41 am

Well, slave-driving white men, anyway.

Chet Kincaid February 15, 2012 at 10:32 am

"Transvaginal Ultrasound" will be the name of my new Retro-Psychedelic band, as soon as we wrest the rights from that Eastern European Christmas orchestra.

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 10:35 am

You know…for a group of people that hate Muslims as much as they hate abortions, they're doing a pretty good job of Shariaizing this country.

♫Send in the Burkas…there ought to be Burkas…forget it, they're here♫

James Michael Curley February 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

It is fortunate we have large oceans on each of our borders. This way we don't hear the vast majority of the world laughing at us.

not that Dewey February 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

I made a rule for myself: I would not include anything that human beings had not already done in some other place or time, or for which the technology did not already exist. I did not wish to be accused of dark, twisted inventions, or of misrepresenting the human potential for deplorable behaviour.

-Margaret Atwood, "Haunted by The Handmaid's Tale"

Geminisunmars February 15, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Thank you for that.

iburl February 15, 2012 at 10:37 am

These GOP crusaders are only trying to save lives. That's why I'm sure they are also going to pass new laws requiring forced anal probing to check for prostate cancer and forced dieting and exercise for the obese. I wonder why these fat old men in the GOP are having a tiny bit of a hard time mustering those votes as easily? Oh well, spread 'em, ladies!

Gainsbourg69 February 15, 2012 at 10:41 am

Put Bob McDonell on the ticket with Frothy, GOP. Pretty please.

IncenseDebate February 15, 2012 at 10:43 am

First they came after Virginia's vaginas and I said nothing, because I lived in New York and had a penis…

Negligently_Joe February 15, 2012 at 10:44 am

Not that valid medical reasons for transvaginal ultrasounds don’t exist.

Not for nothing, but it does bear noting this in passing. They're a common part of gyn care for patients at risk for ovarian cancer, or for symptomatic patients, or when body type makes it difficult to perform a complete pelvic exam.

It's just that in this particular case, the procedure is completely unnecessary and excessively invasive. In other contexts, preforming unnecessary medical procedures is known as "medical fraud". And it's often known as "malpractice", at least until Republicans also get around to completely making that okay as well.

ManchuCandidate February 15, 2012 at 10:46 am

Tort Reform, baby!

sharethegrief February 15, 2012 at 11:27 am

But watch them try to deny funding for transvaginal ultrasounds in detecting ovarian cancer. They'll find a job creator who opposes it due to some fucked up religious belief. Gawd, I hate these people.

donner_froh February 15, 2012 at 10:48 am

In Virginia and a lot of other places the pornographic fantasies of twelve year olds are becoming law. If this can't be used to motivate a significant turnout of those opposed to it, we are doomed.

Actually we are doomed anyway–this is just another reason.

chascates February 15, 2012 at 10:48 am

Rape kits in Virginia will soon include baby photos to help the victim realize that sometimes God gives gifts in unexpected ways.

Negligently_Joe February 15, 2012 at 10:57 am

You know who else is an unwanted dipstick, in Virginia?

IncenseDebate February 15, 2012 at 11:12 am

The District of Columbia?

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 11:17 am

Cantor?

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Boehner?

[that one practically wrote itself]

Wadisay February 15, 2012 at 10:58 am

Next time a Virginia legislator goes in for a toothache, the doc should perform a mandatory colonoscopy, on the theory that his head may be up there somewhere.

DustBowlBlues February 15, 2012 at 9:05 pm

You get my vote for the funniest of the comments on this thead, except I haven't read many of them. Still . . .

Blueb4sunrise February 15, 2012 at 11:01 am

ooops, almost forgot………

fapfapfapfapfapfap….

orygoon February 15, 2012 at 11:02 am

I finally fled from Texas. The women of Virginia should just do the same damn thing. LEAVE.

DustBowlBlues February 15, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Oklahoma should promote itself as the paradise it is for post-menapausal women. We can't have anymore abortions, anyway, and taxes are low.

DaRooster February 15, 2012 at 11:04 am

Virginia is for rubbers!

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 11:08 am

If it was just rubbing, they might get some traction with it

(see what I do there?)

Naked_Bunny February 15, 2012 at 11:04 am

So this is what smaller government and individual liberty looks like!

Joshua Norton February 15, 2012 at 11:05 am

Virginia is for lovers panty sniffing twatwaffles.

Of course, if you're a repug, they're both one and the same.

Gainsbourg69 February 15, 2012 at 11:12 am

Apart from vaginal break in and entry these bastards made it so women who live less than a hundred miles away have to wait twenty four hours to get an abortion after having gone through this humiliating ordeal.

Fuck it, ladies, you might as well drive a few miles more and go to Maryland.

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 11:26 am

Unless VA makes it illegal to cross state lines to get an abortion.

Maman February 15, 2012 at 11:13 am

I would love to see women chasing the members of the legislature and the governor and pummelling them with dildos. That seems fair

IncenseDebate February 15, 2012 at 11:19 am

Bring on the dildo bombs!

jus_wonderin February 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

The spiked ones, for their pleasure.

miked420 February 15, 2012 at 11:20 am

sounds like a "substantial obstacle" to me

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 11:26 am

God the Casey decision was awful; it opened the door to all these ridiculous abortion restrictions states keep throwing at women, and the standard is so vague that it's ridiculous, it pretty much gives the lower courts complete discretion.

miked420 February 15, 2012 at 12:23 pm

And if it went to the Court it'd probably result in a 5-4 decision upholding it, with Kennedy being decider.

shirleyplz February 15, 2012 at 11:23 am

I had one of those transvaginal ultasounds and let me tell you about the invasiveness of that huge robotic pecker. VERY UNPLEASANT
ugh. I'd like to stick that thing of these guys rear end except they'd probably like it

Spurning Beer February 15, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I am fairly confident that they wouldn't enjoy the "front door" entry. Cystoscope the pricks.

DustBowlBlues February 15, 2012 at 9:02 pm

As disgusting as that must have been, the way you explained it made me laugh. Now I feel guilty, and it's your fault.

actor212 February 15, 2012 at 11:26 am

I'm shocked no one has pointed out the potential violation of the fetus's privacy here.

I mean, if you assume it's a person, then sticking a probe up in its home is being a Peeping Tom

imissopus February 15, 2012 at 12:39 pm

They should get a warrant first!

GOPCrusher February 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm

You have the right to remain silent……..

Millennial Malaise February 15, 2012 at 11:31 am

"If that slut wants to kill her baby, we gotta rape her first to make sure she never does "it" again!"

YasserArraFeck February 15, 2012 at 11:31 am

See, if Paula Deen had eaten more vagina pie instead of the crap she normally eats, she probably wouldn't have got the diebeetus. Now I have to clean the self-induced vomit off my keyboard……

sewollef February 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Seriously…. lol

YasserArraFeck February 15, 2012 at 11:35 am

This is setting the stage for upcoming Personhood laws. By sticking the microphone/camera/semaphore flag/whatever up there, it'll give the Little Citizen Inside (TM) an opportunity to signal "Hell no!! I don't want to be aborted!!!"

BaldarTFlagass February 15, 2012 at 11:35 am

Has anyone already pointed out that this is just a republican retaliation for having to get a finger jammed up their ass if they want a prescription for viagra? Simply a penetration escalation, as it were.

YasserArraFeck February 15, 2012 at 11:54 am

Mutually Assured Digitation

Sparky MacGyver February 15, 2012 at 11:38 am

One thing that these Repubes haven't thought through is that there is a risk involved in this medical procedure. It's not something that doctors do for shits and giggles, there's a documented risk, and any physician has to weigh that risk against the benefits.

I'm thinking that this might be a wonderful jobs creation program for lawyers.

AddHomonym February 15, 2012 at 11:39 am

OK. So I have been living in this country for x number of decades and it's been really fun, sort of, but when is the part when it is revealed to me that it has all been a big joke and now I can go live in the actual, normal, sane country? Because I am ready for that.

imissopus February 15, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Sorry dude, Allen Funt is dead.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I'm wondering the same thing, and I was born here.

MissTaken February 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

Will I at least get roofied before my unwanted vaginal penetration?

SayItWithWookies February 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

All the jackasses who voted for this bill are just trying to relive what they think is Virginia's greatest moment — its unwanted penetration of Maryland and Pennsylvania. Methinks this'll turn out just as well as that episode did.

JustPixelz February 15, 2012 at 11:54 am

(OK, I'm late. I got wrapped up debugging my own C++ code, which is like that nightmare where you get wrapped up debugging your own C++ code. OH NO! It's really happening! ARRGGHH)

As outrageous as this is, it speaks to the "elections have consequences" meme. The Repubicans — and the "pube" part of their name is extra-accurate today — won lots of seats across the country. And they're using their power. I want the next election to have consequences too — for them.

The next President will name a couple Supreme Court justices. Who will Santorum choose? He's probably against the type of cloning they used to create Scalia's Mini-Me (Thomas). So he'll nominate some recent Liberty University graduate, someone who will be on the Court for the next 50 years.

ttommyunger February 15, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Seems like soon the fine Shitizens of Vagina will soon catch on to the fact that having a Rethuglican Uber-Majority in their Out-House of a State-House is only giving the Pols a free hand with the ladie's naughty bits. Or not…

MadBrahms February 15, 2012 at 12:22 pm

And this, White House staffers, is how you lose fingers.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 15, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Well, thank goodness it's SMALL government they're stuffing into your twat.

Guppy February 15, 2012 at 12:44 pm

They should have left in the "prostate poke for Viagra" clause.

imissopus February 15, 2012 at 12:52 pm

As a person born and raised in Virginia who still visits regularly, may I tell you how depressing it is to see the state government go full wingnut? When I was in high school we elected the first blah governor in U.S. history and I thought there was hope for the place. Three years ago Obama won the state, the first Dem to do so since LBJ in '64. Now this shit. I need a drink and it's not yet ten in the morning.

savethispatient February 15, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Somewhere in the world, John McCain is telling a joke with the punchline "Who was that wonderful transvaginal ultrasound?"

Gomez571 February 15, 2012 at 1:08 pm

A standard amendment should be written, to be introduced every time one of these ridiculous bills are brought up, that says that any mother choosing not to abort her child due to this bill shall be awarded weekly child care until the child enters kindergarten, all school supplies until graduation from high school and the child shall be granted a full scholarship to any state university.

Nopantsmcgee February 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Jesus Christ.

Talk about 'sharia laws'. Hell this is the Republican version. Fuck! This makes me mad and I don't even have, or am attracted, to vaginas.

gurukalehuru February 15, 2012 at 1:37 pm

In the beginning, particularly the first weeks, an abdominal ultrasound may not be sensitive enough to detect anything…

Seems to me, that would answer the question right there.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm

"not being able to refuse a Magic Wanding of one’s swimsuit area?"

God damn lie.
I *asked* Juan, and he's never even *heard* of these people and their crazy agenda.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Won't someone think of the zucchinis??!!

Dumbedup February 15, 2012 at 1:47 pm

OK GOP = Unwanted Vaginal Penetration, got that. But why did the ladies of Virginia vote these knuckle draggers in in the first place?

mavenmaven February 15, 2012 at 2:06 pm

The people of Virginia used to have to own them as slaves before the unwanted vaginal penetration. Now the repubs make it easier.

rickmaci February 15, 2012 at 2:14 pm

In other news, Rick Santorum announced today that if elected he will change the formal name of the FBI to the Federal Bedroom Investigators to meet the expected upsurge in contraband contraception that is expected to occur after his policies go into effect.

tessiee February 15, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I'm finding this exceedingly difficult to masturbate to.

SaintRond February 15, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Sort of like being finger banged by Newt Gingrich. And, Ladies, as far as your long term mental health is concerned, you'd be better off being fucked by a large, black hound.

No wonder Callista looks like she's had a double lobotomy. It's the only way a human being could have something like that inside their body and not go into a lifelong state of catatonia.

BornInATrailer February 15, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I can't wait for the the first discussion where personhood for embryos and immigration policy collide and the term "anchor zygote" is born. Er, conceived.

YasserArraFeck February 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Unwanted Virginial Penetration

glamourdammerung February 15, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Government small enough to monitor your vagina!

Buckminster February 15, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Bedroom windows, living rooms, vaginas…oh, what's the difference? They just want government out of everything except our most intimate lives.

horsedreamer_1 February 15, 2012 at 8:32 pm

I see sponsor possibilities: transvaginal ultrasound brought to you by Hitachi.

user-of-owls February 15, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Now that everyone's gone to bed on this post, I'll throw in. The involuntary insertion of an object into a citizen of Virginia's vagina will upon passage of this law be not simply legal, but required if that citizen seeks to exercise her constitutionally protected right to a privately sought and provided medical procedure.

If the state inserted an object into the orifice of a convicted serial murderer against that prisoner's will it would be subject to legal and financial sanctions that would likely cripple it for years.

Indeed, there is a very strong probability that the agents of a state found doing this would be culpable of a crime against humanity under international law. In situations of transitional justice there is an established term for this type of action. It is called mechanical torture.

LadyWisdom February 16, 2012 at 12:28 am

So glad that Wonkette had the courage (albeit in the eleventeenth paragraph) to call it rape.

It is indeed medical rape and every legislator who voted for this should be indicted for extortion and for conspiracy to commit rape.

beezie687 February 16, 2012 at 1:17 am

I'm grabbing an ultrasound wand and a tube of KY jelly, and heading out to the Virginia legislature to offer them a demonstration of just what the transvaginal ultrasound entails. Who's with me?

Negropolis February 16, 2012 at 2:57 am

That's it. I'm done. Take the franchise away from men, already. We obviously can't handle this shit. Game over, guys. We had a nice run.

Isyaignert February 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

What a bunch of fukkin' bullshit! This is state-sponsored RAPE – it's fukkin' RAPE people. RAPE!!

Do those fidiots in Congress not realize that if women can't have any birth control, there's not going to be any fukkin' going on? Fidiots!!

Dashboard Buddha February 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

"Don't bother using reason – they can't won't hear you."

Fixed.

SorosBot February 15, 2012 at 10:46 am

True; in Republican world, belief always trumps facts.

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