Practicing their love.Good heavens, your Wonkette can barely keep up with the hijinx our moral police are getting themselves into, as they bedevil legislatures and statehouses nationwide. Seems they are hell-bent on sticking a finger into every possible pie — up to and including vagina pie! Take the Republican supermajority in the Virginia House of Delegates, for example, which just passed a bill requiring any lady wanting an abortion to first have a doctor determine the gestational age of her fetus and listen to its heartbeat. Okay, whatever, a little jelly on the belly, and then, wheeeeeeee, off to the Abortionplex? Um, NOT QUITE!

Virginia is actually talking about the kind of ultrasound that involves a dildo-type sonic boom-generator penetrating the vagina, in a sort of, well, completely non-optional fashion. The Virginian-Pilot explains:

The ultrasound requirement may evoke images of the abdominal sonograms standard in most pregnancies, fuzzy black and white pictures conjured by a wand passed across a woman’s stomach.

But those ultrasounds are ordinarily done fairly late in pregnancy. In the beginning, particularly the first weeks, an abdominal ultrasound may not be sensitive enough to detect anything.

That’s why doctors in many cases use a transvaginal ultrasound. In plainspeak, they insert a condom-covered probe into a woman’s vagina to obtain an image.

In order to satisfy the goals of the legislation – which includes a requirement that a doctor determine the gestational age of the pregnancy- a transvaginal ultrasound may be the only reliable course.

Not that valid medical reasons for transvaginal ultrasounds don’t exist. It’s just that, for supporters of this new bill, getting a chance to enforce clinical rape is now medical reason enough, thanks for asking!

If only there were some completely unqualified scrum of idiots to shed a little light on this topic…. OH LOOK:

The conservative Family Foundation hailed the ultrasound measure as an “update” to the state’s existing informed consent laws “with the most advanced medical technology available.”

Did you know, though, that this wonderful process of obtaining “informed consent” for an abortion actually involves not being able to refuse a Magic Wanding of one’s swimsuit area? It’s true! House Republicans voted down an amendment that would have allowed women to opt out of “unwanted vaginal penetration.”

Unwanted Vaginal Penetration. What a marvelous turn of phrase to enter America’s lexicon, in 2012! [WaPo/ARLnow via Hullabaloo; Virginian-Pilot]

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  • Indiepalin

    Rape. Murder. It's just a shot away.

  • prommie

    if it weren't for unwanted vaginal penetration, they'd have no vaginal penetration at all.

    • We're all in for some unwanted rectal penetration, Richmond style.

    • Virginia is for rapists

    • mrpuma2u

      a win for the hee-haw reference alone. SAAAA-lute!

      • prommie

        Gloom, despair, agony on me, deep dark depression, excessive misery. . . . .

        When I was young, the only vaginal penetration I got was pity vaginal penetration.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Virginia is for Penetrators.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "Unwanted Vaginal Penetration." or "Rape"…tomato tomahto.

    Let's call this whole thing off.

  • SorosBot

    I would really like to give some unwanted testicular whackings with a baseball bat to every one of the woman-hating fucknuts who voted for this bill.

    • Or they should be forced to use "the most advanced medical technology available” for their own colon cancer screenings.

      • The Jaws of Life and a rusty tuba?

      • bikerlaureate

        "Forced" is the word, alright.

        It's the responsible small-government thing to do – for the good of these middle-aged men at risk.

    • DaRooster

      The bat could be used as a probe.

    • Assumes facts not in evidence (in re: testicles)

      • SorosBot

        True, there are also the ladies who hate women among the GOP.

    • orygoon

      I'm starting to really, really like you, even though you're a funny-looking guy.

      • SorosBot

        Geez, are you trying to make my girlfriend jealous here?

        • Geminisunmars

          Today we are all your girlfriend.

        • orygoon

          Nooo–trying to make Mr. Goony jealous. Never works; he's not the type. But I want that A for effort!

      • MissTaken

        Hey now. I go away for just few hours for sleep and when I come back everyone is hitting on my boyfriend!

        • SorosBot

          Don't worry, I'm not going to be hitting on anyone back. And I wouldn't even if I didn't know you were watching.

          • Steverino247

            And SorosBot wins the Ball Rub for Life competition!

            And to show you what a good sport I am, may I offer my size 15 boots (feet included) when those VA testicles need that special attention?

    • BerkeleyBear

      I was thinking of the tried and true Wonkette diagnostic tool – rusty chainsaw up rectum, sideways.

      • tessiee

        Is "sideways" so they shouldn't be without a sensation?

    • chase them down with dildos. That is a transvaginal instrument too.

    • annajohnstone

      Borrowing that lol.

  • Barb

    Virginia is for "Lovers!" Lovers of unwanted vaginal penetration!

    • chicken_thief

      Lovers of mandatory spread 'em.

    • hagajim

      Makes me wonder if our alien overlords are already here, now legalizing probes.

  • PuckStopsHere

    It goes without saying that this gestational age determination procedure shall be mandated even if the pregnancy in question was caused by unwanted vaginal penetration in the first place.

    • Penises don't penetrate people. People penetrate people.

    • CapnFatback

      Hey, it's only the inscription inside every woman's promise ring: "Unwanted vaginal penetration begets unwanted vaginal penetration."

  • How about a tutorial with your morning coffee? (scroll down for the transvaginal learnin')

    Who says the GOP is for smaller government?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Damn…the Pro-choice folks should be buying billboard space with images like that on them.

    • hagajim

      Who says the GOP is for smaller government?

      They do, but what they mean is smaller minded and really intrusive.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Ya want it transverse or longitudinal, honey?

    • Biff

      I expected something bigger…

      • YasserArraFeck

        Yer average conservatard hears that all the time…..

    • tessiee

      "smaller government" = Government – all social services = military + punishing women for fucking.

  • The conservative Family Foundation hailed the ultrasound measure…

    If only we had truth-in-labeling laws.

    "The Conservative Government-Mandated Rape Foundation hailed the ultrasound measure…"

    They are for Big Government, after all. Big Government in your pie.

    • tessiee

      If the "Anti-Sex League" was good enough for Orwell, it's good enough for Virginia.

      • SorosBot

        I for one would much rather live in Huxley's distopia than Orwell's.

        • MosesInvests


  • ChernobylSoup

    Do these male "Delegates" not have wives who can manage a rolling pin or iron skillet when needed? And I'm not talking about making biscuits.

    • BerkeleyBear

      They'd have to order the help to do it for them. And after that movie, they are all a little more afraid of the help.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Why would they settle for kitchen gear when the crowbar in the tool shed is looking so lonely?

    • tessiee

      True story:
      A good friend of mine had grandparents who were… very old-school, as people born in that era tended to be.
      One day, Grandpa Kreplach came home from his job at the factory to find Grandma Kreplach cooking dinner in the cast-iron frying pan. She said something he didn't care for, so he slapped her across the face.
      Grandma then took the red hot cast iron skillet off the stove and swung for the fence.
      When Grandpa woke up on the kitchen floor, Grandma's words to him were:

      "You gotta sleep sometime".

  • Not_So_Much

    Well, they keep saying 'keep the gubbmint outta are bedrooms!!1!' They're just moving the sessy time to good ol' Doc Nelson's office.

  • chicken_thief

    "transvaginal ultrasound"

    Sounds kinky to me. Is that a phallic shaped probe dressed in drag?!

    • jus_wonderin

      This almost reminds me of the techo-babble the actors recite on Star Trek: The Next Denigration.

    • I don't know, but I'm so naming my thrash-metal grrrrrrrrrl band "Transvaginal Ultrasound"

      • jus_wonderin

        I bet you thrash-metal band is notable for its pulse pounding beat?

        • Throbbing, cramping, knee-bending beat

      • You'll have to pry that band name from my probing dead fingers!!

        • Oooh! "Probing Dead Fingers"! Even better!

    • wolvenwood13

      No, no, we're not talking about Newt here.

  • Virginia Is For (Fetus) Lovers.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The Constitution says nothing about unwanted vaginal penetration, so this is perfectly OK.

    -Antonin Scalia

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, the 5th Circuit (aka Scalia's scrotum warmers) already okayed similar legislation in Texas. So yeah, fat Tony's got no problem with the ladies getting something shoved up their hoo hahs. After all, if they were all that particular about their lady parts they wouldn't be needing an abortion, heh?

    • "It's safe sex, essentially." – Megyn Kelly

  • el_donaldo

    So it's not enough for the GOP's vision of a totalitarian state to keep an eye on what you're doing with your naughty bits; they feel like they need to be all up inside your naughty bits to see what you've done.

    FREEDOM!!!! obviously.

    • CommieLibunatic

      The government needs to be smaller so it can enter your uterus with a magnifying glass and flashlight.

  • Limeylizzie

    I have had a few unwanted vaginal penetrations in my time, mostly due to a few too many cocktails, but I don't recall them being government-sanctioned.

    • jus_wonderin

      LL, I bet in Virginia, you'd be able to cite those occurrences and thereby be able to refuse this mandate. Hehe, I said mandate.

    • Never tried to talk your way out of a DUI, I see

      • prommie

        Hear about the polish woman who was pulled over for DUI? The cop looked at her license, saw that her name was Stankowski, and started to unzip his pants. Seeing this, she says "oh, no, not the breathalyzer again."

        • You got the reference, I see.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Darling, I would never seek to take advantage of you (pours martini). Now just sit next to me and tell me all about it.


      Next time, keep Dorothy Parker's poem in mind:

      I like to have a martini,
      Two at the very most.
      After three I'm under the table,
      after four I'm under my host.

      • oldmayfly

        You beat me to it! And what's more, your quote is more accurate.

    • oldmayfly

      As Dorothy Parker said, "I enjoy a cocktail–one, or two at most. Three and I'm under the table; four and I'm under the host."

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Welcome to Vaginia. Please keep your legs closed."

  • littlebigdaddy

    Well the Bournemouth Amateur Gynecologists approve!

  • Pragmatist2

    I'd suggest a little "unwanted anal penetration" to see how far up their asses these guys heads are.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      All the way, Katie. All the way.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Kaia: You write about “unwanted vaginal penetration" like it's a bad thing.

  • Trannysurprise

    While they're in there they should be sure and tell the baby they won't give two fucks about it once it's born. You know, for the laffs.

  • "Unwanted vaginal penetration" is certainly not in my lexicon. I find myself wanting to penetrate them pretty much all the time.

  • Hera Sent Me

    So now Republicans are admitting that they literally want to fuck with American women?

    Wow, what honesty.

    • Isyaignert

      Dumbass men – don't they realize that if there's no birth control there isn't going to be any fukkin? Women aren't stupid.

  • prommie

    I didn't want to go to work this morning, I felt I was forced to. I regard this as an adbuction and kidnapping. It happens 5 times a week, too.

  • qwerty42

    Is this part of the GOP's laser-like focus on jobs? Now I guess those slutty wimmin will object to dildos being stuck in them by caring, concerned doctors and lab techs, and (if only symbolically) the Virginia House of Delegates and the Family Foundation. Perhaps some some members of the House would like to be present? As exemplars?

    • YasserArraFeck

      More probe-pushers = more jerbs!!

    • caitifty

      Perhaps the device itself can be emblazoned with the crest of the Virginia House of Delegates and the logo of the Family Foundation. You know, just to make sure all women subjected to it know exactly who's fucking them.

  • kissawookiee

    Just hazarding a guess here that Virginia is going to end up being hit with this whole bureaucracy upon bureaucracy being built up with all kinds of levels of people to support women in the state who are now being unwantedly vaginally penetrated too much.

    • Biff

      I'm sure fox already has an "expert" on retainer.

  • Terry

    Well, thank goodness we have the GOP'ers around to make sure that government stays out of our lives.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Today's GOP: Less government in your lives…more government in your womb.

  • tcaalaw

    There's an "All of 'em, Katie" joke in this, but I'm too classy to use it.

  • If you liked this, you'll love President Santorum's law mandating 24-hour-a-day fetal monitoring after sex.

    • SorosBot

      If he could get away with it I think Santorum would propose mandatory chastity belts for all unmarried Americans.

    • CivicHoliday

      He'll mandate that bars give out pee cups at last call for all the loose ladies, to be express mailed in 2 weeks later

    • DaRooster

      He'll even mandate fetal monitoring after a still birth… for the whole family. Sick Fuck.

      • jus_wonderin

        Well, hell, that monitor feedback is going to drive my dogs….krazy!!

      • tessiee

        If this keeps up, he'll be having funerals for tampons.

    • Sharight! Just an excuse to see naked chicks on webcams for free…

    • Isyaignert

      Is that "fetal" or "fecal'?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Virginia: The East Coast Ari-Missi-Texasota. Like bobbing for apples in a broken Trailways bus station toilet.

    • GOPCrusher


  • GortRay

    Bend over and spread 'em…here comes your Freedom Probe. It's what Jeebus would do, yes? Welcome to the Inquisition.

  • SorosBot

    Besides being invasive and designed solely to harass women for carrying out their Constitutionally protected right to control their own body, the heartbeat measure of the bill is just plain stupid. Early in a pregnancy, when the vast majority of abortions are performed, doctors can't actually detect the heartbeat, because the heart either hasn't formed yet or, if a little later, it's too faint to detect.

    Besides, what the fuck is the importance of the heart? All it does is pump blood. Just because Aristotle's fallacy in believing the heart was the seat of emotions was followed throughout the middle ages doesn't change the empirical fact that he was wrong, and we now know that all our thoughts and feelings are in the brain; that's where our selves reside, and it doesn't develop until much later in a pregnancy.

    • CivicHoliday

      If they really wanted to "inform" moms they should show them a 3-D accurate gestational age drawing. You know, because we all like knowing that we have tiny bloated alien headed snakes living in our bodies. Heck, the abortion rate may go UP after that!

    • Chichikovovich

      Absolutely right. And yet all these people (mindful of pr and legal constraints – nobody can say they aren't well coached) say "no, it's not religious, it's all about new scientific discoveries. That's why we need to rape make available the latest scientific information to women, whether they want it or not". Yet when it's convenient the "science" they end up appealing to are the views of people like Aristotle (sometimes filtered through St. Thomas A.) who maintained that women have fewer teeth than men (History of Animals 2.3.501b19-21) (when a simple examination would have proven to him he was wrong), not to mention that women have smaller brains than men (Parts of Animals 2.7.653a28-9), that women are “mutilated males" (Generation of Animals 2.3.737a27-8), that the leader of a hive is the "king bee" (HA 8 [9].40.623b9-10), and of course, the immortal scientific pronouncement "the female is more dispirited and more despondent than the male, more shameless and more lying, readier to deceive and possessing a better memory for grudges" (HA 8 [9].1.608b10-12)

      • YasserArraFeck

        ……… is more dispirited and more despondent …….., more shameless and more lying, readier to deceive and possessing a better memory for grudges

        Hell, crap – that sounds like 95% of the Irish population!

    • DaRooster

      Science Shmience… Boooo!!

    • Sassomatic

      Don't be tryin' to get all science-y there. You make Jesus angry.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Don't think for a second these fucks now shit about Aristotle. They've just seen too many schmaltzy TV movies where the moment a woman hears the fetus' heartbeat she bonds with it and can't dream of aborting it. They've been on this heartbeat shit for decades, again in part because TV made the beep beep flatline such an awesome bloodless stand-in for death.

      I will say as a father that when you I heard the heartbeat of my (wanted) potential child for the first time, it was pretty cool/moving. But that was, again, in a situation where I already knew I wanted to be a father and no one was ramming anything up my wife's va jay jay to let me hear it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The middle ages is pretty much where progress stopped for these cretins, so this makes perfect sense to them.

    • savethispatient

      If a heartbeat is a sign of life, what do they think about Cheney?

      • ALIVE!

        Good point. I think we need to do some deep probing into his case to determine what it means.

    • tessiee

      "being invasive and designed solely to harass women for carrying out their Constitutionally protected right to control their own body"

      All the window dressing about the heartbeat is a damn lie, and a clumsy, unconvincing lie at that. They don't care about women, they barely care about fetuses, and they actively hate science. It's to punish women for fucking, the end.

    • MissNancyPriss

      you should be senior docent at the abortionplex!

    • Soylent Green

      A GOP would find this as the most hilarous thing they ever read on Wonkette. Thoughts and feelings inside this supposed "Brain".

  • Indiepalin

    Bill sponsor Del. Kathy Byron (R), is completely on board with this legislation, recalling the time she had to give up tequila "because it made my vaginal cavity hurt".

    • Tila Tequila makes my genitals hurt, too. And not in the good way.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Kathy – you have to take the tequila out of the bottle….

    • Guppy

      Yeah, I think I've seen those emergency room xrays on the web…

  • they're just shrinking govt. to the size where they can save it from your vagina.

    • They don't want to drown it in a bathtub, they want to shove it up a vagina.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      they're just shrinking govt. to the size where they can save it from shove it up your vagina.


  • jus_wonderin

    Virginia, my ass.

    • sewollef

      I suspect you could ask for it up your ass instead… if you ask nicely.

  • Silly Virginian legis-scope-perpetrators. Manic fetal-fixation pimping went out long ago, like in the 80s with Phyllis Shoo-fly, promise rings and that banal but catchy tune "Papa Don't Preach."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If she opts to keep the kid after this "ultrasound" procedure, won't it be deaf?

    • Biff

      Ultrasound, autotune, same difference.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Wow…this would be a supreme example of the Law of Unintended Consequences at work.

      Dateline: VA has highest rate of deafness in the nation. VA senator boasts of number of abortions prevented.

    • GOPCrusher

      Probably will grow up to be a submariner.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I liked the esteemed Shenandoah delegate who said yesterday that "the vast majority of abortions are for lifestyle convenience." I thought the majority were for Abortopork Rinds.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That's only in Oklahoma

      • DaRooster

        Or for fajfetus…

        • jus_wonderin

          I generally ask for the large order of Beef and Cheese Abortos so I can share them with a friend.

          • tessiee

            Fetus donuts and umbrella drinks for all!

    • SorosBot

      I think not having a child that would completely change your lifestyle (not to mention the pain of pregnancy and childbirth) is a little more than just convenience.

    • johnedens

      The only appropriate response is, "Yeah, so what?"

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yet another shining example of the Adam Savage Philosophy – "I reject your reality and substitute my own." Funny on a TV show about blowing stuff up. Not so funny with politicians debating legislation.

    • kissawookiee

      Gotta do something to fill up those punchcards for free Abortopork Rinds now that A&P quit giving out stamps.

  • IncenseDebate

    You know who else wanted to probe the vaginas of Virginia?

    • DaRooster

      Thomas Jefferson?

    • SorosBot

      Sir Walter Raleigh?

    • Santa Claus? Yes, Virginia.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        ♫♪ Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus… ♫♪

        • tessiee

          Hey, if you got to come but once a year, you'd be horny, too!

          "Yes, yes, oh, yes Virginia!"

    • Any number of horny young CPAC gadabouts ahead of Erick²son in line at the CVS?

    • chicken_thief

      George "The Father of Our Country" Washington?

    • proudgrampa

      Well, Leonard Woolf. But that was only one vagina of Virginia.

    • John Bobbit's penis?

    • TheMightyHaltor

      Newt Gingrich?

    • Me, in high school? And during vacations from college? And occasionally on visits now when I'm bored sitting around my parents' house?

    • gingerland62

      Bill Clinton?

  • jus_wonderin

    Oh my. I bet Tequila was not what hurt her. It was her lowered inhibitions and the Buckingham Branch Railroad Gangbangs she was the focus of………………..

  • ThundercatHo

    Next time these GOP fucks go in for their govt. health insurance 100% covered exams instead of using an old-fashioned stethoscope the clinicians should shove one of these up their assholes to hear the heartbeat since it is the latest medical technology available.

  • IE: Norfuck, Va.

    • That is the old hometown chant: "Don't drink, don't smoke, Norfolk!"

  • Women of Virginia, please feel free to come up to Maryland to see our doctors. For the moment anyway, we are a bit more sane here.

  • DaRooster

    Virginia doctors will be busy marrying all those ladies… 'cuz you know if you rape her you marry her. After all that's what the bible says.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Not only is it extra invasive but they want you to have a full bladder while they're doing it. Something about being able to see all the goodies in there better. So they shove this thing up your hoo-ha and then press down on your bladder as you try your hardest not to pee all over everything. I had one once and after about ten minutes of poking and prodding I literally had to tell the guy "if you touch me one more time I will pee all over you, I swear to god." It was so fun!

    • DaRooster

      Just let 'er rip… if each lady did this, this shit would be done in a week.

    • You warned him? There's your mistake!

    • banana_bread

      Not only that but it hurts like a bitch, too! For those of you not fortunate enough to have had one of these done, they take the wand and shove it in as far as it can go, the, they angle it up and start pressing. Hard. It's like getting a pap smear with a banana.

    • finallyhappy

      I had one and I did pee- but I wasn't pregnant. Fibroids were growing- but now that I am old(er)- they shrunk- yeah!

  • You are now entering the Commonwealth of Virginia.
    We have the death penalty here, but insist you wear a helmet while riding the Hogg.
    Pack heat at your own discretion, in church or in state; but ladies prepare to surrender your rights after riding the Log.

    • GOPCrusher


  • jodyleek

    I am so sick and tired of these assholes taking away the rights of women to control their own bodies – no snark here, just anger and disgust! Do these pricks who claim to be "pro-life" donate their blood or tissues? Because if they are not doing just that on a regular basis, THEY are killing actual babies. Pony up you "pro-life" dipshits – donate as much bone marrow as possible because if you are not, you are just punishing women for having vaginas, not saving precious lives like you claim. Why doesn't a Dem write up a bill stating that everyone male must be registered in a tissue and blood database and if someone needs blood or tissue, then they must donate it or face jail time? And even that doesn't go far enough, because the effects of being forced to have a child that you can't afford or didn't want last a lifetime. Sooooo pissed off I can't stand it! Grrrrrrrr!!!

    • YasserArraFeck

      Being VA, of course, there will be an exemption allowing you to forbid your blood/tissue going to coloreds.

    • Dumbedup

      "Pro Life" was never "Pro Life" it was always about controlling women and putting that particular genie (freedom) back in the bottle. But enough women keep voting these people in to make them elected representatives. I would really discourage my daughter from ever living in a place that so diminished her rights, I don't know why any woman would live in such a place.

    • tessiee

      "Why doesn't a Dem write up a bill stating that everyone male must be registered in a tissue and blood database and if someone needs blood or tissue, then they must donate it or face jail time?"

      Because there are laws on the books saying that this kind of invasion into a person's rights and body integrity is unconstitutional — except, you know, women.

    • gingerland62

      I too, am completely mortified by this. It is surreal. The government is going to tell a doctor to do a procedure he doesn't want to do(mechanically raping) on a woman that doesn't want the procedure(mechanical rape). Do these legislators want to watch too?

  • DaRooster

    "…an abdominal ultrasound may not be sensitive enough to detect anything."

    Um… because there is not enough to detect?

  • Sure, Liberals always so quick to complain when there's "too much rape" in our military, justforinstance, but who but our Family Values Conservatives are willing to legislate for direct government intervention when there' isn't enough rape?

    • DaRooster

      All of…

  • First, you'll need a blindfold and these roofies….

    What? Anyone else think some perv isn't going to go all "meatstick sonogram" with this?

    • GOPCrusher

      Does this rag smell like chloroform?

  • CapnFatback

    Virginia Republicans: there are far more subtle and flattering ways to try to obtain pictures of naked ladyparts.

    • iburl

      Like at the airport pornoscanner?

      • SorosBot

        I just got sent through one of those for the first time Monday. It's weird thinking that some TSA employee might be looking at X-ray images of my junk right now.

        • I have a…friend….close friend…who always gets scanned.

          Her job as an adult film star might have something to do with that.

          • Chichikovovich

            Now there's some committed pervs right there – presumably there are pictures of her naked in all sorts of challenging poses, engaged in all sorts of creative activities. Available at the click of a mouse or a Google search. And instead they prefer the kind of peeping pictures imagined by 11-year old boys ordering X-ray specs.

  • smitallica

    "Unwanted vaginal penetration."

    Or, as Republicans call it, "Our entire legislative agenda."

  • sharethegrief

    Unwanted vaginal probes – the new Virginia Slims.

  • I have real doubts that these Virginia legislators have heartbeats. We need to make sure that they do. I propose that we use the best technology available, and mandate trans-urethral (cystoscopic) ultrasound.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Oh, fuck that noise – let's just crack their chests open without anesthesia and see what makes em tick.

    • tessiee

      I'm guessing no brain wave activity, either.

  • chascates

    Female sexuality is just plain scary! Add to that all the trouble these 'feminists' have stirred up, what with their yowling for equal pay and respect as individuals.

    Things were so much easier back in the 1800s. For men, any way.

    • iburl

      Well, slave-driving white men, anyway.

  • "Transvaginal Ultrasound" will be the name of my new Retro-Psychedelic band, as soon as we wrest the rights from that Eastern European Christmas orchestra.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    You know…for a group of people that hate Muslims as much as they hate abortions, they're doing a pretty good job of Shariaizing this country.

    ♫Send in the Burkas…there ought to be Burkas…forget it, they're here♫

  • James Michael Curley

    It is fortunate we have large oceans on each of our borders. This way we don't hear the vast majority of the world laughing at us.

  • not that Dewey

    I made a rule for myself: I would not include anything that human beings had not already done in some other place or time, or for which the technology did not already exist. I did not wish to be accused of dark, twisted inventions, or of misrepresenting the human potential for deplorable behaviour.

    -Margaret Atwood, "Haunted by The Handmaid's Tale"

    • Geminisunmars

      Thank you for that.

  • iburl

    These GOP crusaders are only trying to save lives. That's why I'm sure they are also going to pass new laws requiring forced anal probing to check for prostate cancer and forced dieting and exercise for the obese. I wonder why these fat old men in the GOP are having a tiny bit of a hard time mustering those votes as easily? Oh well, spread 'em, ladies!

  • Gainsbourg69

    Put Bob McDonell on the ticket with Frothy, GOP. Pretty please.

  • IncenseDebate

    First they came after Virginia's vaginas and I said nothing, because I lived in New York and had a penis…

  • Not that valid medical reasons for transvaginal ultrasounds don’t exist.

    Not for nothing, but it does bear noting this in passing. They're a common part of gyn care for patients at risk for ovarian cancer, or for symptomatic patients, or when body type makes it difficult to perform a complete pelvic exam.

    It's just that in this particular case, the procedure is completely unnecessary and excessively invasive. In other contexts, preforming unnecessary medical procedures is known as "medical fraud". And it's often known as "malpractice", at least until Republicans also get around to completely making that okay as well.

    • Tort Reform, baby!

    • sharethegrief

      But watch them try to deny funding for transvaginal ultrasounds in detecting ovarian cancer. They'll find a job creator who opposes it due to some fucked up religious belief. Gawd, I hate these people.

  • In Virginia and a lot of other places the pornographic fantasies of twelve year olds are becoming law. If this can't be used to motivate a significant turnout of those opposed to it, we are doomed.

    Actually we are doomed anyway–this is just another reason.

  • chascates

    Rape kits in Virginia will soon include baby photos to help the victim realize that sometimes God gives gifts in unexpected ways.

  • You know who else is an unwanted dipstick, in Virginia?

    • IncenseDebate

      The District of Columbia?

    • DaRooster


    • tessiee


      [that one practically wrote itself]

  • Wadisay

    Next time a Virginia legislator goes in for a toothache, the doc should perform a mandatory colonoscopy, on the theory that his head may be up there somewhere.

    • DustBowlBlues

      You get my vote for the funniest of the comments on this thead, except I haven't read many of them. Still . . .

  • Blueb4sunrise

    ooops, almost forgot………


  • orygoon

    I finally fled from Texas. The women of Virginia should just do the same damn thing. LEAVE.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Oklahoma should promote itself as the paradise it is for post-menapausal women. We can't have anymore abortions, anyway, and taxes are low.

  • DaRooster

    Virginia is for rubbers!

    • If it was just rubbing, they might get some traction with it

      (see what I do there?)

  • Naked_Bunny

    So this is what smaller government and individual liberty looks like!

  • Joshua Norton

    Virginia is for lovers panty sniffing twatwaffles.

    Of course, if you're a repug, they're both one and the same.

  • Gainsbourg69

    Apart from vaginal break in and entry these bastards made it so women who live less than a hundred miles away have to wait twenty four hours to get an abortion after having gone through this humiliating ordeal.

    Fuck it, ladies, you might as well drive a few miles more and go to Maryland.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Unless VA makes it illegal to cross state lines to get an abortion.

  • I would love to see women chasing the members of the legislature and the governor and pummelling them with dildos. That seems fair

    • IncenseDebate

      Bring on the dildo bombs!

      • jus_wonderin

        The spiked ones, for their pleasure.

  • miked420

    sounds like a "substantial obstacle" to me

    • SorosBot

      God the Casey decision was awful; it opened the door to all these ridiculous abortion restrictions states keep throwing at women, and the standard is so vague that it's ridiculous, it pretty much gives the lower courts complete discretion.

      • miked420

        And if it went to the Court it'd probably result in a 5-4 decision upholding it, with Kennedy being decider.

  • shirleyplz

    I had one of those transvaginal ultasounds and let me tell you about the invasiveness of that huge robotic pecker. VERY UNPLEASANT
    ugh. I'd like to stick that thing of these guys rear end except they'd probably like it

    • I am fairly confident that they wouldn't enjoy the "front door" entry. Cystoscope the pricks.

    • DustBowlBlues

      As disgusting as that must have been, the way you explained it made me laugh. Now I feel guilty, and it's your fault.

  • I'm shocked no one has pointed out the potential violation of the fetus's privacy here.

    I mean, if you assume it's a person, then sticking a probe up in its home is being a Peeping Tom

    • They should get a warrant first!

      • GOPCrusher

        You have the right to remain silent……..

  • Millennial Malaise

    "If that slut wants to kill her baby, we gotta rape her first to make sure she never does "it" again!"

  • YasserArraFeck

    See, if Paula Deen had eaten more vagina pie instead of the crap she normally eats, she probably wouldn't have got the diebeetus. Now I have to clean the self-induced vomit off my keyboard……

    • sewollef

      Seriously…. lol

  • YasserArraFeck

    This is setting the stage for upcoming Personhood laws. By sticking the microphone/camera/semaphore flag/whatever up there, it'll give the Little Citizen Inside (TM) an opportunity to signal "Hell no!! I don't want to be aborted!!!"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Has anyone already pointed out that this is just a republican retaliation for having to get a finger jammed up their ass if they want a prescription for viagra? Simply a penetration escalation, as it were.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Mutually Assured Digitation

  • Sparky MacGyver

    One thing that these Repubes haven't thought through is that there is a risk involved in this medical procedure. It's not something that doctors do for shits and giggles, there's a documented risk, and any physician has to weigh that risk against the benefits.

    I'm thinking that this might be a wonderful jobs creation program for lawyers.

  • AddHomonym

    OK. So I have been living in this country for x number of decades and it's been really fun, sort of, but when is the part when it is revealed to me that it has all been a big joke and now I can go live in the actual, normal, sane country? Because I am ready for that.

    • Sorry dude, Allen Funt is dead.

    • tessiee

      I'm wondering the same thing, and I was born here.

  • MissTaken

    Will I at least get roofied before my unwanted vaginal penetration?

  • SayItWithWookies

    All the jackasses who voted for this bill are just trying to relive what they think is Virginia's greatest moment — its unwanted penetration of Maryland and Pennsylvania. Methinks this'll turn out just as well as that episode did.

  • (OK, I'm late. I got wrapped up debugging my own C++ code, which is like that nightmare where you get wrapped up debugging your own C++ code. OH NO! It's really happening! ARRGGHH)

    As outrageous as this is, it speaks to the "elections have consequences" meme. The Repubicans — and the "pube" part of their name is extra-accurate today — won lots of seats across the country. And they're using their power. I want the next election to have consequences too — for them.

    The next President will name a couple Supreme Court justices. Who will Santorum choose? He's probably against the type of cloning they used to create Scalia's Mini-Me (Thomas). So he'll nominate some recent Liberty University graduate, someone who will be on the Court for the next 50 years.

  • ttommyunger

    Seems like soon the fine Shitizens of Vagina will soon catch on to the fact that having a Rethuglican Uber-Majority in their Out-House of a State-House is only giving the Pols a free hand with the ladie's naughty bits. Or not…

  • MadBrahms

    And this, White House staffers, is how you lose fingers.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Well, thank goodness it's SMALL government they're stuffing into your twat.

  • Guppy

    They should have left in the "prostate poke for Viagra" clause.

  • As a person born and raised in Virginia who still visits regularly, may I tell you how depressing it is to see the state government go full wingnut? When I was in high school we elected the first blah governor in U.S. history and I thought there was hope for the place. Three years ago Obama won the state, the first Dem to do so since LBJ in '64. Now this shit. I need a drink and it's not yet ten in the morning.

  • savethispatient

    Somewhere in the world, John McCain is telling a joke with the punchline "Who was that wonderful transvaginal ultrasound?"

  • Gomez571

    A standard amendment should be written, to be introduced every time one of these ridiculous bills are brought up, that says that any mother choosing not to abort her child due to this bill shall be awarded weekly child care until the child enters kindergarten, all school supplies until graduation from high school and the child shall be granted a full scholarship to any state university.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Jesus Christ.

    Talk about 'sharia laws'. Hell this is the Republican version. Fuck! This makes me mad and I don't even have, or am attracted, to vaginas.

  • In the beginning, particularly the first weeks, an abdominal ultrasound may not be sensitive enough to detect anything…

    Seems to me, that would answer the question right there.

  • tessiee

    "not being able to refuse a Magic Wanding of one’s swimsuit area?"

    God damn lie.
    I *asked* Juan, and he's never even *heard* of these people and their crazy agenda.

  • tessiee

    Won't someone think of the zucchinis??!!

  • Dumbedup

    OK GOP = Unwanted Vaginal Penetration, got that. But why did the ladies of Virginia vote these knuckle draggers in in the first place?

  • mavenmaven

    The people of Virginia used to have to own them as slaves before the unwanted vaginal penetration. Now the repubs make it easier.

  • rickmaci

    In other news, Rick Santorum announced today that if elected he will change the formal name of the FBI to the Federal Bedroom Investigators to meet the expected upsurge in contraband contraception that is expected to occur after his policies go into effect.

  • tessiee

    I'm finding this exceedingly difficult to masturbate to.

  • SaintRond

    Sort of like being finger banged by Newt Gingrich. And, Ladies, as far as your long term mental health is concerned, you'd be better off being fucked by a large, black hound.

    No wonder Callista looks like she's had a double lobotomy. It's the only way a human being could have something like that inside their body and not go into a lifelong state of catatonia.

  • BornInATrailer

    I can't wait for the the first discussion where personhood for embryos and immigration policy collide and the term "anchor zygote" is born. Er, conceived.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Unwanted Virginial Penetration

  • Government small enough to monitor your vagina!

  • Buckminster

    Bedroom windows, living rooms, vaginas…oh, what's the difference? They just want government out of everything except our most intimate lives.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I see sponsor possibilities: transvaginal ultrasound brought to you by Hitachi.

  • user-of-owls

    Now that everyone's gone to bed on this post, I'll throw in. The involuntary insertion of an object into a citizen of Virginia's vagina will upon passage of this law be not simply legal, but required if that citizen seeks to exercise her constitutionally protected right to a privately sought and provided medical procedure.

    If the state inserted an object into the orifice of a convicted serial murderer against that prisoner's will it would be subject to legal and financial sanctions that would likely cripple it for years.

    Indeed, there is a very strong probability that the agents of a state found doing this would be culpable of a crime against humanity under international law. In situations of transitional justice there is an established term for this type of action. It is called mechanical torture.

  • LadyWisdom

    So glad that Wonkette had the courage (albeit in the eleventeenth paragraph) to call it rape.

    It is indeed medical rape and every legislator who voted for this should be indicted for extortion and for conspiracy to commit rape.

  • beezie687

    I'm grabbing an ultrasound wand and a tube of KY jelly, and heading out to the Virginia legislature to offer them a demonstration of just what the transvaginal ultrasound entails. Who's with me?

  • Negropolis

    That's it. I'm done. Take the franchise away from men, already. We obviously can't handle this shit. Game over, guys. We had a nice run.

  • Isyaignert

    What a bunch of fukkin' bullshit! This is state-sponsored RAPE – it's fukkin' RAPE people. RAPE!!

    Do those fidiots in Congress not realize that if women can't have any birth control, there's not going to be any fukkin' going on? Fidiots!!

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