PANDERDIZED TESTING  11:46 am February 10, 2012

Herman Cain Tells CPAC To ‘Outsmart Stupid People Running America’

by Kaia Mursi

testysDidn’t you sort of feel like Herman Cain said he was just going out for a pack of smokes, and then we never heard from him again and somehow got stuck with his car note and a bunch of boring creepo ‘Washington insiders?’ Well, CAIN’S BACK, BABY. Just goes to show you can’t keep a good grifter down, no matter how many of that grifter’s alleged side-pieces come out of the woodwork to force the timely demise of his book tour/presidential campaign. Cain took time out of his busy schedule to sidle up to CPAC and whisper some sweet nothings into its ear about how smart (and sexy) everyone there definitely is. Smarter than liberals, that’s for sure!

CNS News, our new favorite Patient Zero for right-wing hysteria, has the details:

In a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington on Thursday, former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain hailed the American Revolution — and said it’s time for another one.

“It’s time for a new American revolution, not with bombs and bullets but with brains and balance,” Cain said. “We must outsmart liberals. We must outsmart the stupid people running America.”

Yes, brilliant! Tests for Public Service, or whatever branch of government it is that runs the country! Sample Question 1 — True or False:

“There were two reasons I dropped out of the race — gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

Trick question, guys! Cain did actually say the words above. So, True! But, no, the answer is actually False in the way you were thinking, with the women and the payouts and the ‘you want a job, don’t you,’ and everything. Be sure to apply to a safety government, just in case. [CNS 'News'; Image via Shutterstock]

 
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{ 88 comments }

nounverb911 February 10, 2012 at 11:47 am

Isn't Cain preaching to the choir?

actor212 February 10, 2012 at 11:55 am

And since when did a Republican value intelligence????

GOPCrusher February 10, 2012 at 12:21 pm

INTELLIGENCE IS ELITIST!!1!

Mahousu February 10, 2012 at 2:24 pm

If by preaching, you mean propositioning, then yes.

CapnFatback February 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

Cain is smart. He can count all the way to nine.

Ms_E_Abernathy February 10, 2012 at 12:06 pm

3 times, no less!

MittBorg February 10, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Actually, he is. He has an advanced degree in, basically, computer science. So why he's acting like such a fucking idiot is completely beyond me. I'm beginning to suspect organic brain damage.

nounverb911 February 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

"Cain hailed the American Revolution — and said it’s time for another one."

"Give me liberty, or give me pizza."
–Herman Cain

chicken_thief February 10, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Paul Revere was just delivering for Godfathers.

DerrickWildcat February 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

Gingrich/Cain SWINGER PARTY 2012!!!

chicken_thief February 10, 2012 at 12:03 pm

They'll buy you baubles and pay your rent!!!

Clancy_Pants February 10, 2012 at 11:49 am

“We must outsmart liberals. We must outsmart the stupid people running America.”
~Herman Cain

"Hey Kettle… You're black!"
~The Pot

BarackMyWorld February 10, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I don't agree with your metaphor. This isn't the pot calling the kettle black, it's the pot calling the silverware black.

Chillwillard February 10, 2012 at 11:50 am

If you were smart, Herb, you wouldn't be a Black Republican.

BornInATrailer February 10, 2012 at 11:50 am

I pictured him doing the slow smile after "put my family first."

chascates February 10, 2012 at 11:50 am

Newt Gingrich is a stupid person's idea of what a smart person sounds like.
Herman Cain is a stupid person's idea of what a stupid person sounds like.

JustPixelz February 10, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Michele Bachmann is a crazy person's idea of what a normal person sounds like.

Mitt Romney is a rich person's idea of what their best friend sounds like.

Rick Santorum is scientist's idea of what a Luddite sounds like.

James Michael Curley February 10, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Ron Paul is a deaf man's idea of what a hemorrhoid sufferer sounds like

BearNoLike February 11, 2012 at 12:59 am

Tucker Carlson is a stupid person's idea of Orville Redenbacher.

MangoTheCat February 13, 2012 at 3:47 am

Rush Limbaugh is a smart person's idea of what a stupid bigot sounds like.

GuanoFaucet February 10, 2012 at 11:51 am

Dunning/Kruger 2012!

weej_bain February 10, 2012 at 12:02 pm

What? Me worry?

el_donaldo February 10, 2012 at 11:51 am

also, Team Rocket!

weej_bain February 10, 2012 at 11:52 am

CPAC thinks Cain is still able? Their comedy acts are killer!

DaRooster February 10, 2012 at 11:52 am

“There were two reasons I dropped out of the race — gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

He dropped out due to gutter politics? What like calling people "stupid"?
And now you choose to put your family first?

GOPCrusher February 10, 2012 at 12:24 pm

He was thinking about his family the whole time he was sexually harassing his employees and having an affair.
Herb Cain is so awesome, he has women throwing themselves at him to be with him!

MittBorg February 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Somebody should ask him why his family isn't rallying around him on his campaign trail. I think his wife kicked him out of the house, which is why he's on the road 24/7.

DaRooster February 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Good thing he found that bus…

MrFizzy February 10, 2012 at 11:52 am

He reminds me of a lot of brainless "professional" athletes who can't shut up, not realizing how fucking dumb they are.

actor212 February 10, 2012 at 11:57 am

Yes but Tebow> Cain

nounverb911 February 10, 2012 at 11:58 am

Or their wives. Here's to you Mrs. Brady.

GOPCrusher February 10, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Or failed CEO's that become successful business consultants.

Slim_Pickins February 10, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Or professional politicians for that matter.

KeepFnThatChicken February 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

…doesn't this imply the liberals are winning?

prommie February 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

Its not class warfare, its IQ warfare. The dumbs are sick and tired of these smart people with their so-called "educations" and "degrees" and "knowledge." Its the natural, normal resentment of the dullards for their superiors. Kinda the whole thing that runs the NASCAR dad, southern mentality.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

Oh Herman, don’t you hear that sound when you walk out on the CPAC stage? It’s every man and women in the crowd checking their wallet and purse because a black man has entered the room.

jus_wonderin February 10, 2012 at 11:53 am

Wait. So they have to outsmart the stupid people? For some reason, this makes me feel so superior to these striving to outsmart-ers.

vodkamuppet February 10, 2012 at 1:51 pm

"One of these days we'll get the best of those darn stupid people!"

Schmannnity February 10, 2012 at 11:54 am

Family first, sure, but leave time for ladies 2, 3, 4, and 5.

actor212 February 10, 2012 at 11:55 am

Maybe President Guillotine can make him ambassador to Uzbekibekibekibekistanstan? That will prove his intellect!

WhatTheHeck February 10, 2012 at 11:56 am

The smart people told him to pack up his shit and go home.
But you can’t outsmart some of the people all of the time, I guess.

actor212 February 10, 2012 at 11:57 am

Wow. I never imagined a Pokemon reference in this thread. Nicely done!

*polite golf clap*

Martini?

ShaveTheWhales February 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm

He's talkin' 'bout Shaft Herb….

el_donaldo February 10, 2012 at 12:21 pm

If the Pokemon references continue to follow Cain throughout the rest of his life and career, I'll die happy. Well, chuckling.

Manhattan, actually.

bureaucrap February 10, 2012 at 11:57 am

"We're going to outsmart them by… uhhh… hiding their car keys in the garbage disposal and T.P.ing their houses! Yeahhh!"

CapnFatback February 10, 2012 at 11:57 am

“There were two reasons I dropped out of the race — gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

It's a code, see.

Gutter = vagina
Family = nut sack

GOPCrusher February 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm

The same gutter politics that gave the Republiklans balls enough to try to impeach a sitting President for the high crime of getting a blow job.

BearNoLike February 11, 2012 at 1:05 am

You know, when you put it that way, he really does just come across as a jabbering idiot, trying to sell some crappy books.

Baconzgood February 10, 2012 at 12:01 pm
ThundercatHo February 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Very nice. BLT's all around.

banana_bread February 10, 2012 at 12:01 pm

He's right! They do need to outsmart the libruls in order to win. Unfortunately, you can't do that when you have a piece of lint, a hamster, and an IOU note from God instead of a brain.

BaldarTFlagass February 10, 2012 at 12:03 pm

"We must outsmart the stupid people running America.”

Funny, I thought we did that back in 2008, but I guess not.

HistoriCat February 10, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Maybe he's referring to Congress.

sezme February 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm

We must outsmart the stupid people running America. But first, we must de-pants them.

Blueb4sunrise February 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Good to see Herm endorse The Enlightenment principles and thinking that informed the American Revolution..

Ms_E_Abernathy February 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I can't wait for this revolution to get going and some Republicans to attack me with their "brains." It'll tickle.

MittBorg February 10, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Trust me: You won't notice.

edgydrifter February 10, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Conservatives "outsmart" liberals the same way they "win" arguments against them: by shouting the most inflammatory thing that comes to mind in the loudest voice possible.

chicken_thief February 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Cain is so smart he'll prolly draft Colbert to outwit the libruls.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm

“We must outsmart liberals."

Why am I not worried?

C_R_Eature February 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

It's as if he just threatened us with The Comfy Chair.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm

"We have try to outsmart stupid people." Good luck with that.

They're debating where to draw their Xs and Os, on Obama's 11-dimensional chessboard.

ThundercatHo February 10, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I hate it when I get sent to my room with a good book, some snacks and refreshing beverage.

C_R_Eature February 10, 2012 at 1:02 pm

And, please…whatever you do, don't make me have any Rum drinks!

Wadisay February 10, 2012 at 12:15 pm

If being an ignorant, lying sack of shit was a chocolate eclair, Herman Cain would be a chocolate eclair 52 and a half feet long.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

"I'm Chris Christie, and I approved this image."

Tundra Grifter February 10, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Amazon is offering a new copy of Mr. Cain's book for $0.85 – which, interestinly, is less than the cheapest used copy at $0.88. The free market works!

Meanwhile, if "gutter politics" brought down Cain's Campaign, perhaps he shouldn't have been in the gutter in the first place.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 10, 2012 at 12:42 pm

The true market value is what a paper recyler will pay for it.

C_R_Eature February 10, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Hey, Hermie…there's a sure fire way to outsmart liberals:

Get Smarter.

Good luck with that. Better get started.

Guppy February 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

Biel_ze_Bubba February 10, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Inconceivable!

BearNoLike February 11, 2012 at 1:12 am

That's it!!!! CPAC is fire swamp. Cain is RUS. It all makes sense now.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I assume Cain was a hit at the Conservative Voting Dating semminar?

Nostrildamus February 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm

We must outsmart liberals

Right. And I must out-sexy Brad Pitt to win Angelina's love.

Slim_Pickins February 10, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Are you sure grifter Cain didn't say out-hustle instead of out-smart? Its easy to be quicker when you are unbound by the facts.

slowhansolo February 10, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And of course the best way to outsmart liberals is to confuse them with "Sim City" economics.

Redhead February 10, 2012 at 1:11 pm

"We must outsmart liberals. We must outsmart the stupid people running America."

Says the man who thought he could run for president without all those times he sexually harassed women coming back to bite him in the ass, or even seeing the light of day at all.

HelmutNewton February 10, 2012 at 1:39 pm

"We must outsmart the stupid people running America."

Wait, I thought Cain said he was the Koch Bros. 'brother from another mother'? He wants to outsmart his own brothers?

io9k9s February 10, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Andy Kaufman is smiling in his grave.

doloras February 10, 2012 at 7:47 pm

In his grave, nothing – HERMAN CAIN IS ANDY KAUFMAN IN BLACKFACE

mavenmaven February 10, 2012 at 2:22 pm

We must outsmart Libya, there, fixed.

owhatever February 10, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I got the idea for outsmarting the stupid people while visiting Bristol Palin in her room yesterday.

Franknflower February 10, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Nice package.

voodooeconomics February 10, 2012 at 4:25 pm

it kind of went by the wonketters…lol

voodooeconomics February 10, 2012 at 4:23 pm

guy in picture holding ballot is packing a woody right in front of poll worker..wtf. if that becomes a requirement the republicans are done for.

BearNoLike February 11, 2012 at 1:14 am

Dumbass. Thinks the DMV is a federal agency.

BZ1 February 11, 2012 at 1:42 am

Cain finally endorses someone, and it's Joe the Plumber??

ttommyunger February 11, 2012 at 7:54 am

This is what a "shuck and jive nerd nigger" (no offense to the real ones) looks like when he gets over fifty. Every high school and every college has at least one. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check Herman's HS and college pix. Oreo to the fucking core…

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