testysDidn’t you sort of feel like Herman Cain said he was just going out for a pack of smokes, and then we never heard from him again and somehow got stuck with his car note and a bunch of boring creepo ‘Washington insiders?’ Well, CAIN’S BACK, BABY. Just goes to show you can’t keep a good grifter down, no matter how many of that grifter’s alleged side-pieces come out of the woodwork to force the timely demise of his book tour/presidential campaign. Cain took time out of his busy schedule to sidle up to CPAC and whisper some sweet nothings into its ear about how smart (and sexy) everyone there definitely is. Smarter than liberals, that’s for sure!

CNS News, our new favorite Patient Zero for right-wing hysteria, has the details:

In a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington on Thursday, former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain hailed the American Revolution — and said it’s time for another one.

“It’s time for a new American revolution, not with bombs and bullets but with brains and balance,” Cain said. “We must outsmart liberals. We must outsmart the stupid people running America.”

Yes, brilliant! Tests for Public Service, or whatever branch of government it is that runs the country! Sample Question 1 — True or False:

“There were two reasons I dropped out of the race — gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

Trick question, guys! Cain did actually say the words above. So, True! But, no, the answer is actually False in the way you were thinking, with the women and the payouts and the ‘you want a job, don’t you,’ and everything. Be sure to apply to a safety government, just in case. [CNS ‘News’; Image via Shutterstock]

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  • nounverb911

    Isn't Cain preaching to the choir?

    • And since when did a Republican value intelligence????

      • GOPCrusher


    • Mahousu

      If by preaching, you mean propositioning, then yes.

  • CapnFatback

    Cain is smart. He can count all the way to nine.

    • Ms_E_Abernathy

      3 times, no less!

    • Actually, he is. He has an advanced degree in, basically, computer science. So why he's acting like such a fucking idiot is completely beyond me. I'm beginning to suspect organic brain damage.

  • nounverb911

    "Cain hailed the American Revolution — and said it’s time for another one."

    "Give me liberty, or give me pizza."
    –Herman Cain

    • chicken_thief

      Paul Revere was just delivering for Godfathers.

  • Gingrich/Cain SWINGER PARTY 2012!!!

    • chicken_thief

      They'll buy you baubles and pay your rent!!!

  • “We must outsmart liberals. We must outsmart the stupid people running America.”
    ~Herman Cain

    "Hey Kettle… You're black!"
    ~The Pot

    • BarackMyWorld

      I don't agree with your metaphor. This isn't the pot calling the kettle black, it's the pot calling the silverware black.

  • If you were smart, Herb, you wouldn't be a Black Republican.

  • BornInATrailer

    I pictured him doing the slow smile after "put my family first."

  • chascates

    Newt Gingrich is a stupid person's idea of what a smart person sounds like.
    Herman Cain is a stupid person's idea of what a stupid person sounds like.

    • Michele Bachmann is a crazy person's idea of what a normal person sounds like.

      Mitt Romney is a rich person's idea of what their best friend sounds like.

      Rick Santorum is scientist's idea of what a Luddite sounds like.

      • James Michael Curley

        Ron Paul is a deaf man's idea of what a hemorrhoid sufferer sounds like

    • BearNoLike

      Tucker Carlson is a stupid person's idea of Orville Redenbacher.

    • MangoTheCat

      Rush Limbaugh is a smart person's idea of what a stupid bigot sounds like.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Dunning/Kruger 2012!

  • el_donaldo

    also, Team Rocket!

  • CPAC thinks Cain is still able? Their comedy acts are killer!

  • DaRooster

    “There were two reasons I dropped out of the race — gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

    He dropped out due to gutter politics? What like calling people "stupid"?
    And now you choose to put your family first?

    • GOPCrusher

      He was thinking about his family the whole time he was sexually harassing his employees and having an affair.
      Herb Cain is so awesome, he has women throwing themselves at him to be with him!

    • Somebody should ask him why his family isn't rallying around him on his campaign trail. I think his wife kicked him out of the house, which is why he's on the road 24/7.

      • DaRooster

        Good thing he found that bus…

  • MrFizzy

    He reminds me of a lot of brainless "professional" athletes who can't shut up, not realizing how fucking dumb they are.

    • Yes but Tebow> Cain

    • nounverb911

      Or their wives. Here's to you Mrs. Brady.

    • GOPCrusher

      Or failed CEO's that become successful business consultants.

    • Slim_Pickins

      Or professional politicians for that matter.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    …doesn't this imply the liberals are winning?

  • prommie

    Its not class warfare, its IQ warfare. The dumbs are sick and tired of these smart people with their so-called "educations" and "degrees" and "knowledge." Its the natural, normal resentment of the dullards for their superiors. Kinda the whole thing that runs the NASCAR dad, southern mentality.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Oh Herman, don’t you hear that sound when you walk out on the CPAC stage? It’s every man and women in the crowd checking their wallet and purse because a black man has entered the room.

  • jus_wonderin

    Wait. So they have to outsmart the stupid people? For some reason, this makes me feel so superior to these striving to outsmart-ers.

    • vodkamuppet

      "One of these days we'll get the best of those darn stupid people!"

  • Schmannnity

    Family first, sure, but leave time for ladies 2, 3, 4, and 5.

  • Maybe President Guillotine can make him ambassador to Uzbekibekibekibekistanstan? That will prove his intellect!

  • WhatTheHeck

    The smart people told him to pack up his shit and go home.
    But you can’t outsmart some of the people all of the time, I guess.

  • Wow. I never imagined a Pokemon reference in this thread. Nicely done!

    *polite golf clap*


    • ShaveTheWhales

      He's talkin' 'bout Shaft Herb….

    • el_donaldo

      If the Pokemon references continue to follow Cain throughout the rest of his life and career, I'll die happy. Well, chuckling.

      Manhattan, actually.

  • bureaucrap

    "We're going to outsmart them by… uhhh… hiding their car keys in the garbage disposal and their houses! Yeahhh!"

  • CapnFatback

    “There were two reasons I dropped out of the race — gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

    It's a code, see.

    Gutter = vagina
    Family = nut sack

    • GOPCrusher

      The same gutter politics that gave the Republiklans balls enough to try to impeach a sitting President for the high crime of getting a blow job.

    • BearNoLike

      You know, when you put it that way, he really does just come across as a jabbering idiot, trying to sell some crappy books.

  • Baconzgood
    • ThundercatHo

      Very nice. BLT's all around.

  • banana_bread

    He's right! They do need to outsmart the libruls in order to win. Unfortunately, you can't do that when you have a piece of lint, a hamster, and an IOU note from God instead of a brain.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "We must outsmart the stupid people running America.”

    Funny, I thought we did that back in 2008, but I guess not.

    • HistoriCat

      Maybe he's referring to Congress.

  • sezme

    We must outsmart the stupid people running America. But first, we must de-pants them.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Good to see Herm endorse The Enlightenment principles and thinking that informed the American Revolution..

  • Ms_E_Abernathy

    I can't wait for this revolution to get going and some Republicans to attack me with their "brains." It'll tickle.

  • edgydrifter

    Conservatives "outsmart" liberals the same way they "win" arguments against them: by shouting the most inflammatory thing that comes to mind in the loudest voice possible.

  • chicken_thief

    Cain is so smart he'll prolly draft Colbert to outwit the libruls.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “We must outsmart liberals."

    Why am I not worried?

    • C_R_Eature

      It's as if he just threatened us with The Comfy Chair.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "We have try to outsmart stupid people." Good luck with that.

        They're debating where to draw their Xs and Os, on Obama's 11-dimensional chessboard.

      • ThundercatHo

        I hate it when I get sent to my room with a good book, some snacks and refreshing beverage.

        • C_R_Eature

          And, please…whatever you do, don't make me have any Rum drinks!

  • Wadisay

    If being an ignorant, lying sack of shit was a chocolate eclair, Herman Cain would be a chocolate eclair 52 and a half feet long.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "I'm Chris Christie, and I approved this image."

  • Tundra Grifter

    Amazon is offering a new copy of Mr. Cain's book for $0.85 – which, interestinly, is less than the cheapest used copy at $0.88. The free market works!

    Meanwhile, if "gutter politics" brought down Cain's Campaign, perhaps he shouldn't have been in the gutter in the first place.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The true market value is what a paper recyler will pay for it.

  • C_R_Eature

    Hey, Hermie…there's a sure fire way to outsmart liberals:

    Get Smarter.

    Good luck with that. Better get started.

  • Guppy

    Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba


    • BearNoLike

      That's it!!!! CPAC is fire swamp. Cain is RUS. It all makes sense now.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I assume Cain was a hit at the Conservative Voting Dating semminar?

  • Nostrildamus

    We must outsmart liberals

    Right. And I must out-sexy Brad Pitt to win Angelina's love.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Are you sure grifter Cain didn't say out-hustle instead of out-smart? Its easy to be quicker when you are unbound by the facts.

  • And of course the best way to outsmart liberals is to confuse them with "Sim City" economics.

  • Redhead

    "We must outsmart liberals. We must outsmart the stupid people running America."

    Says the man who thought he could run for president without all those times he sexually harassed women coming back to bite him in the ass, or even seeing the light of day at all.

  • HelmutNewton

    "We must outsmart the stupid people running America."

    Wait, I thought Cain said he was the Koch Bros. 'brother from another mother'? He wants to outsmart his own brothers?

  • io9k9s

    Andy Kaufman is smiling in his grave.

    • doloras

      In his grave, nothing – HERMAN CAIN IS ANDY KAUFMAN IN BLACKFACE

  • mavenmaven

    We must outsmart Libya, there, fixed.

  • owhatever

    I got the idea for outsmarting the stupid people while visiting Bristol Palin in her room yesterday.

  • Franknflower

    Nice package.

    • voodooeconomics

      it kind of went by the wonketters…lol

  • voodooeconomics

    guy in picture holding ballot is packing a woody right in front of poll if that becomes a requirement the republicans are done for.

  • BearNoLike

    Dumbass. Thinks the DMV is a federal agency.

  • BZ1

    Cain finally endorses someone, and it's Joe the Plumber??

  • ttommyunger

    This is what a "shuck and jive nerd nigger" (no offense to the real ones) looks like when he gets over fifty. Every high school and every college has at least one. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check Herman's HS and college pix. Oreo to the fucking core…

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