panderdized testing

Herman Cain Tells CPAC To ‘Outsmart Stupid People Running America’

testysDidn’t you sort of feel like Herman Cain said he was just going out for a pack of smokes, and then we never heard from him again and somehow got stuck with his car note and a bunch of boring creepo ‘Washington insiders?’ Well, CAIN’S BACK, BABY. Just goes to show you can’t keep a good grifter down, no matter how many of that grifter’s alleged side-pieces come out of the woodwork to force the timely demise of his book tour/presidential campaign. Cain took time out of his busy schedule to sidle up to CPAC and whisper some sweet nothings into its ear about how smart (and sexy) everyone there definitely is. Smarter than liberals, that’s for sure!

CNS News, our new favorite Patient Zero for right-wing hysteria, has the details:

In a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington on Thursday, former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain hailed the American Revolution — and said it’s time for another one.

“It’s time for a new American revolution, not with bombs and bullets but with brains and balance,” Cain said. “We must outsmart liberals. We must outsmart the stupid people running America.”

Yes, brilliant! Tests for Public Service, or whatever branch of government it is that runs the country! Sample Question 1 — True or False:

“There were two reasons I dropped out of the race — gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

Trick question, guys! Cain did actually say the words above. So, True! But, no, the answer is actually False in the way you were thinking, with the women and the payouts and the ‘you want a job, don’t you,’ and everything. Be sure to apply to a safety government, just in case. [CNS ‘News’; Image via Shutterstock]

What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. MittBorg

      Actually, he is. He has an advanced degree in, basically, computer science. So why he's acting like such a fucking idiot is completely beyond me. I'm beginning to suspect organic brain damage.

  1. nounverb911

    "Cain hailed the American Revolution — and said it’s time for another one."

    "Give me liberty, or give me pizza."
    –Herman Cain

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I don't agree with your metaphor. This isn't the pot calling the kettle black, it's the pot calling the silverware black.

  2. chascates

    Newt Gingrich is a stupid person's idea of what a smart person sounds like.
    Herman Cain is a stupid person's idea of what a stupid person sounds like.

    1. JustPixelz

      Michele Bachmann is a crazy person's idea of what a normal person sounds like.

      Mitt Romney is a rich person's idea of what their best friend sounds like.

      Rick Santorum is scientist's idea of what a Luddite sounds like.

  3. DaRooster

    “There were two reasons I dropped out of the race — gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

    He dropped out due to gutter politics? What like calling people "stupid"?
    And now you choose to put your family first?

    1. GOPCrusher

      He was thinking about his family the whole time he was sexually harassing his employees and having an affair.
      Herb Cain is so awesome, he has women throwing themselves at him to be with him!

    2. MittBorg

      Somebody should ask him why his family isn't rallying around him on his campaign trail. I think his wife kicked him out of the house, which is why he's on the road 24/7.

  4. MrFizzy

    He reminds me of a lot of brainless "professional" athletes who can't shut up, not realizing how fucking dumb they are.

  5. prommie

    Its not class warfare, its IQ warfare. The dumbs are sick and tired of these smart people with their so-called "educations" and "degrees" and "knowledge." Its the natural, normal resentment of the dullards for their superiors. Kinda the whole thing that runs the NASCAR dad, southern mentality.

  6. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Oh Herman, don’t you hear that sound when you walk out on the CPAC stage? It’s every man and women in the crowd checking their wallet and purse because a black man has entered the room.

  7. jus_wonderin

    Wait. So they have to outsmart the stupid people? For some reason, this makes me feel so superior to these striving to outsmart-ers.

  8. WhatTheHeck

    The smart people told him to pack up his shit and go home.
    But you can’t outsmart some of the people all of the time, I guess.

    1. el_donaldo

      If the Pokemon references continue to follow Cain throughout the rest of his life and career, I'll die happy. Well, chuckling.

      Manhattan, actually.

  9. bureaucrap

    "We're going to outsmart them by… uhhh… hiding their car keys in the garbage disposal and their houses! Yeahhh!"

  10. CapnFatback

    “There were two reasons I dropped out of the race — gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

    It's a code, see.

    Gutter = vagina
    Family = nut sack

    1. GOPCrusher

      The same gutter politics that gave the Republiklans balls enough to try to impeach a sitting President for the high crime of getting a blow job.

    2. BearNoLike

      You know, when you put it that way, he really does just come across as a jabbering idiot, trying to sell some crappy books.

  11. banana_bread

    He's right! They do need to outsmart the libruls in order to win. Unfortunately, you can't do that when you have a piece of lint, a hamster, and an IOU note from God instead of a brain.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    "We must outsmart the stupid people running America.”

    Funny, I thought we did that back in 2008, but I guess not.

  13. Blueb4sunrise

    Good to see Herm endorse The Enlightenment principles and thinking that informed the American Revolution..

  14. Ms_E_Abernathy

    I can't wait for this revolution to get going and some Republicans to attack me with their "brains." It'll tickle.

  15. edgydrifter

    Conservatives "outsmart" liberals the same way they "win" arguments against them: by shouting the most inflammatory thing that comes to mind in the loudest voice possible.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        "We have try to outsmart stupid people." Good luck with that.

        They're debating where to draw their Xs and Os, on Obama's 11-dimensional chessboard.

  16. Wadisay

    If being an ignorant, lying sack of shit was a chocolate eclair, Herman Cain would be a chocolate eclair 52 and a half feet long.

  17. Tundra Grifter

    Amazon is offering a new copy of Mr. Cain's book for $0.85 – which, interestinly, is less than the cheapest used copy at $0.88. The free market works!

    Meanwhile, if "gutter politics" brought down Cain's Campaign, perhaps he shouldn't have been in the gutter in the first place.

  18. C_R_Eature

    Hey, Hermie…there's a sure fire way to outsmart liberals:

    Get Smarter.

    Good luck with that. Better get started.

  19. Slim_Pickins

    Are you sure grifter Cain didn't say out-hustle instead of out-smart? Its easy to be quicker when you are unbound by the facts.

  20. Redhead

    "We must outsmart liberals. We must outsmart the stupid people running America."

    Says the man who thought he could run for president without all those times he sexually harassed women coming back to bite him in the ass, or even seeing the light of day at all.

  21. HelmutNewton

    "We must outsmart the stupid people running America."

    Wait, I thought Cain said he was the Koch Bros. 'brother from another mother'? He wants to outsmart his own brothers?

  22. owhatever

    I got the idea for outsmarting the stupid people while visiting Bristol Palin in her room yesterday.

  23. voodooeconomics

    guy in picture holding ballot is packing a woody right in front of poll if that becomes a requirement the republicans are done for.

  24. ttommyunger

    This is what a "shuck and jive nerd nigger" (no offense to the real ones) looks like when he gets over fifty. Every high school and every college has at least one. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check Herman's HS and college pix. Oreo to the fucking core…

Comments are closed.