Don't the trees look like crucified thieves?We were skimming the website looking for some of those “free Medicare scooter” ads, but got distracted by the important news of terrible writer/awful person Ayn Rand’s 107th birthday. She doesn’t look a day over 106 … objectively. Objectively-ist. Anyway, we hope she’s enjoying being tortured for Eternity in Hell, for not believing in Jesus and denying His one command for all humanity: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must Love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Anyway, how are Ayn Rand’s terrible followers celebrating the day a kind woman selflessly gave birth to a child and then cared for it, instead of feeding Baby Ayn to the cat?

Some proud-to-be-a-jerk guy on the website writes this birthday card to amorality:

Rand is usually thought of as a political philosopher, but that is not how she viewed herself. “I am primarily the creator of a new code of morality,” she once said …. This is the philosophy embodied by fictional characters such as Hank Rearden, the industrialist in “Atlas Shrugged.”

“I work for nothing but my own profit,” he says …. It is this moral outlook that underlies Rand’s advocacy of free markets, and it suggests where those looking for Rand’s influence on today’s politics can see it. Above all, you can see it in the moral outrage of the Tea Party activists, many of whom carry signs championing Rand’s works and ideas.

Recall the Rick Santelli rant that started it all: “This is America. How many of you people want to pay for your neighbor’s mortgage that has an extra bathroom and can’t pay their bills, raise their hand? . . . . I’m an Ayn Rander.”

Happy birthday, you evil worm! And happy birthday to you, too, Ayn Rand! [Fox News]

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  • Barb

    Hooray! Today is the day when the little hairy beast with the razor sharp teeth is jerked out into the cold to make a prediction for us. I hear her husband, Todd has stopped porking hookers long enough to join Newt on the campaign trail. Gee, America sure is dumb.

    • memzilla

      I forget how this works. If Mooselini saw her shadow, does this mean we have six more weeks of grifting?

      • Barb

        No, it means that Brisdull has six more weeks of ovulating.

        • memzilla

          And she'll be putting the Palin ova up on eBay… so we're both right!

        • SorosBot

          Isn't it about time for Willow to be gettin' a little bun in the oven too? In Wasilla a girl who can legally drink and doesn't have a baby yet is an old maid.

    • fartknocker

      Punxsutawney Palin?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        She's the Punxsutawney Philistine.

    • hollywooddood

      I need to know what Joe the Plumber is predicting so I'll know what to do.

    • paris biltong

      Maybe, but I want to know what happened to The Gifzette, without which I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Is Matt Langer doing drugs again or what?

    • fuflans

      so newt wants to win this thing? with todd?

  • memzilla

    We are also awaiting Mitt Romney's latest book! It's a sequel to Ayn (rhymes with "swine") Rand's signature tome.

    Mitt has charitably dedicated his new book to the 150 million Americans who are at or below the poverty line: Atlas Shrugged You Off.

    • PsycWench

      While Newt will soon be issuing his new book: The Fountain Hothead

    • Steverino247

      I am so stealing that book title. Brilliant!

  • Soon she will be joined by Alan Greenspan.


    • Biff

      Then Andrea will be mine, all mine!

      • memzilla

        Andrea Botticelli?

    • SpiderCrab

      That's a match made in…uh…well…they do deserve each other!

  • freakishlywrong

    I know this probably sounds dickish, but I fervently wish that assholes who say things like: :“I work for nothing but my own profit,” end up impoverished, without health care and life-threateningly ill. You know, like fucking Ayn did.

    • memzilla

      How can something that sounds so wrong, be so right?

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but the rest of us pussies went ahead and subsidized all the medical research that will save them, and we insist that hospitals actually care for them enough to avoid acute life threatening conditions. And, like Ayn, they can always reverse course and apply for Medicaid when they go broke. So we gotta hope they get antibiotic resistant MRSA or something, or are too stubborn to go to the ER when they get sick, and that just means that more innocent people who come in contact with them are likely to wind up dead.

      • Isyaignert

        I get so pissed when I think of Cheney The Dick walking around in a mechanical heart and pump that we fukkin' paid for. That turd should have been flushed long ago, but nooooooo. How's that socialist gubbmit health care working for you Dick? You fukkin' dick! I'll spit on your grave.

    • Terry

      No, they'll apply for government assistance or get family to bail them out just like Libertarians always do.

    • Guppy

      Ayn's preferred brand of cigarette had exactly the same philosophy she did. I'd say it worked out well in the end.

    • SpiderCrab

      Imagine old sick Ayn Rand counting the days until her mailman delivered her next social security check. Pussy.

  • Teh new amorality, same as teh olde amorality.

    ♪♫ Gimme, ah say gimme mofo, that olde time religion ♫♪

  • Biff

    Evil worm, worm food, etc.

  • haha – Who's the mud under our feet today?

  • HarryButtle

    The contradiction of these conservatards is astounding. In the same breath, without a hint of irony, they'll quote the Bible and Atlas Shrugged. They're so addled/brainwashed that they simply cannot comprehend that the messages are entirely incompatible.

    No snark here, just bewilderment.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Let it go…trying to understand the cognitive dissonance of the right will drive you to drink. That is, if you're not drunk already.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I try to stay with snark. The bewilderment is usually followed by depression, and I am UP TO HERE with that shit today.

    • real_dc_native

      How about the contradiction of all those "Libertarians" wanting to regulate who I can sex with and how we might deal with latex failures.

  • I shall adjust my username in accordance with the celebration of this rode-hard and put-up-wet mauler of our hard earned efforts to balance equality and liberty in the name of freedumb.

  • SorosBot

    "Rand is usually thought of as a political philosopher"

    No, she's usually thought of as a dumbass who came up with a sophist justification for behaving as giant selfish asshole who has never been taken seriously by actual philosophers.

    • memzilla

      Say, you know who else was usually thought of as a political philosopher… ?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Genghis Khan?

        • Generation[redacted]

          I'll give him credit. The man knew how to make a point.

          • kissawookiee

            And then ram it home.

      • yrbmegr

        Lenny Bruce?

      • hollywooddood

        Christine O'Donnell?

        • Nothingisamiss

          She's me!

      • Generation[redacted]

        Jesus? (Bush's favorite!)

      • Nothingisamiss

        Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury?)

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Give her credit … coming up with a logically self-consistent justification for being a selfish dick wasn't a trivial task.

      • Ruhe

        It may be a logical justification but it's an unforgivably lazy one. Plato, Socrates and Aristotle all would have chided her for failing to continue the dialogue to its necessary conclusion at which point an enlightened self-interest must admit the necessity of supporting the general good of one's community.

        • real_dc_native

          Enlightened self interest – what a quaint concept in the 21st century.

    • Chichikovovich

      By the same people who think of Newt Gingrich as a historian, perhaps.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I always say that people who think Rand was a philosopher are people who don't know a damn thing about philosophy.

  • Birth anniversaries are nice. But I prefer death anniversaries, especially in this case. And Rand's would be much bigger if she hadn't accepted all that socialized health care and government largesse.

  • GuanoFaucet

    "There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs."

  • Goonemeritus

    Ayn Rand put’s to lie the statement that tobacco use never results in a positive for society.

  • An_Outhouse

    When we were kids, we referred to her as Randy An. She was a dog perpetually in heat.

    • Chichikovovich

      Few people are completely without redeeming qualities.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Bitch should have gone back to Russia.

    • hollywooddood

      But the Medicare and Social Security here were just too good to pass up.

    • ElPinche

      Same with Orly Taints.

    • memzilla

      Look at what distilled Randian Kapitalizm has done to this country. What makes you think she didn't?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    We're decorating the Randmas tree down here, and wrapping up gifts (that we give to ourselves, obviously.)

    • Wouldn't it be great if every day was Randmas. The airing of grievances would never end.

  • fartknocker

    And in her last years, Ayn enjoyed the benefits of Social Security and Medicare, like a lot of old, obnoxious Teabaggers who are pissed that a black man is the POTUS. Meanwhile I'm working and paying all the various State and Federal taxes to provide these and other services – and I am not complaining.

    • Sounds like you've been to "The Villages."

      • BerkeleyBear

        (shudder) I've only been to Sun City, Arizona, and I live in fear of the Villages – and oh my god, the tapioca stains I've seen.

        • Fare la Volpe

          That's not tapioca…

  • nounverb911

    What Mormon planet has Mitt sent her too?

    • Thurman Munster IV


    • Rotundo_

      OOOOOHHH! Baptizing the old fuck into the Mormon church would really set her spinning in her grave. Every time you want to speed her up just mention tithing. It really would be tempting to drop into temple square and see if you can have someone add her to the list of the "saved".

  • SexySmurf

    If Ayn Rand sees her shadow, then her followers have 6 more years of living in their mom's basement.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Ok, that was very, very good.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This month also brings us the 107th anniversary of the Battle of Mukden, where the Japanese handed the Russians' ass to them in prelude to the Battle of the Tsushima Straits. Bad year for them proto-commies.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but Teddy R fucked the little yellow bastards over at the peace table, pocketed a Nobel for his efforts and basically set the mindset in Japan that if you are going to go to war, you go for total annihilation because all roundeyes will band together the moment you start to trust them. So, in sum, USA USA USA!!!!

    • memzilla

      My great-great-great grandfather kicked Russian ass at Port Arthur, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

  • nounverb911

    Glad to see she has permanently gone Galt.

  • forgracie

    Layne you can't fool me–alt text is all Warren Zevon.

  • Goonemeritus

    I look forward to the eventual Republican cage match between their Christian wing and the Rand disciples.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Somehow the Venn diagram winds up looking like a single circle. Probably a result of severe head trauma and/or untreated mental illness.

      • Goonemeritus

        Not so much with today’s Christian youth where a social justice ethos is starting to immerge. By the way this split along generational line has the Christian right more concerned than gays eating shell fish while writing out checks to Planed Parenthood.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Recall the Rick Santelli rant that started it all…

    Yes, Fox, thanks for the reminder of how a huge group of people can be instantaneously motivated by something so ignorant and hateful…which somehow originated on a different network.

    • HistoriCat

      You know who else motivated a huge group of people with ignorant and hateful speech?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Ronald Reagan?

      • SharkSandwich

        Karl Rove?

      • real_dc_native

        Spiro Agnew?

  • Baconzgood

    Fuck dat bitch.

  • Somehow, the worst part is that they're just fucking terrible books.

  • FraAnima

    Wait, I thought Ayn Rand was suing O'bammer to see his burf certificate. Or was that some other selfish insane eastern-eurotrash bitch?

    • prommie

      Ayn Taitz? Orly Rand?

      • FraAnima

        My sister. My daughter. My sister. My daughter.

        • Thurman Munster IV

          Forget it, it's just Crazytown

  • yrbmegr

    Let us find her grave and relieve ourselves…for our own profit, you know.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    What I don't get is how "I got mine, fuck you" came to be seen as a novel concept. I'm pretty sure it was the prevalent philosophy 100,000 years ago, before humans got civilized.

    • Not necessarily. Creatures who are much dumber than us know how to mutually cooperate. It takes a big monkey brain to come up with "I got mine, fuck you."

      • Generation[redacted]

        And it took an advanced society to provide the necessary support structures to implement it.

  • Lucidamente1

    We've gone from "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist" to "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing America that Jeebus and Ayn Rand are on the same side."

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Today I shall celebrate by using a bunch of taxpayer funded stuff like roads and clean tapwater all while whining about how I pay too much in taxes and giving the finger to the generation behind me who just wants the same benefits as I was given. Then I shall read some extremely bad prose. Nah, fuck it. I'll probably just get drunk.

    • Yet another description of "The Villages!"
      (I'll never get over that place.)

      • HistoriCat

        There are mental health professionals who can help with PTSD you know.

  • Ayn Rand tried to make selfishness a virtue.
    Jesus tried to make selflessness a virtue.

    Naturally these competing values are completely at home in the Repubican Party, which treats selfishness as if it were Christianity. And treats selflessness as if it were socialism.

    WWJD? Probably join the War on Christianity.

    • Biff

      Just like the great chocolate in my peanut butter meme…

    • FraAnima

      Now my head hurts.

  • Chichikovovich

    I am going to reread every year's winners of the the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest in her honour.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    To celebrate, I am going to go out and have a big dinner of selfish shellfish.

    • Guppy

      Mitt wouldn't buy you kosher?

  • ThundercatHo

    Based on their remarkable resemblance to Skelator and lack of empathy for human beings I believe that Ayn Rand is Ayn Coulter's baby momma. She at least could have laid the egg from which Coulter hatched but then, of course, abandonded the nest.

  • orygoon

    Meh. The Orygoons shrug.

  • Data Exactly

    Wonkette reminds me I should bake a cat, er, bake a cake on this momentous occasion Ayn Rand wasn't fed to one.

    Although, Ayn Rand mustn't be too happy knowing I typed this comment up on a computer that seems ordered to follow some sort of set course through interactions and restrictions that are controlled by a larger overseeing force.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Mind you, I think satanism is a totally made-up religion (HAHAHAHA I KID THEY ALL ARE), but I once read Tony LaVey's "Satanic Bible," just to see what the big fuss was about (I grew up charismatic). It read like a self-help book for selfish people. And then many years later, I read Atlas Shrugged. Fifty times as long as the Satanic Bible, but waaaaay more fuckin'.

    I adore knowing some of these Randian assholes are Christians… and objectivists… and satanists — reading a three-part book about one seriously busy professional trollop. For Jesus.

    • ttommyunger

      Been to a couple of charismatic churches. Never seen so much dry-humping in my life. They call it "hugging", of course; I call it dry-humping while erect (pun intended).

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        I didn't mind the hugs. Really. I consider it strange that we don't hug each other more often. But I also consider that part and parcel of the great door locks we've installed in America — on our hearts.

        • ttommyunger

          Not against a spiritual bond physically expressed by a brotherly or sisterly hug; sadly, that's not what I saw being offered by many old, ugly and spiritually deformed men.

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            I didn't hug the men, anyway. We were being taught homophobia.

          • ttommyunger

            Too bad, I hug my preacher every chance I get; he is a wonderful, sincere, humble Christian and I love him dearly. Too bad I hold the Church (generically) in such low esteem. It's the Christians, I think, that turn me off.

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            Oh, mind you I transcended that. After my best friend killed himself (and eventually was it revealed that he was closeted gay), I realized that a) I wasn't close enough to my best friend, else I would have known, and b) EVERYONE NEEDS A HUG. PERIOD.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            I stopped giving hugs to pastors after I found out that mine had slept with about 10 women in our church. That's also about the same time I stopped going to church altogether.

          • ttommyunger

            Nothing harder than a preacher's dick, 'cept maybe Chinese Arithmetic.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            I know, right…plus the fucker kept them all to himself.

          • ttommyunger

            Could have let a few Deacons wet their beak, but nooooooo!

    • doloras

      It is well known that LaVey plagiarised all of Ayn Rand's "ideas" and just added a bit of haunted-house spookery to gull the marks.

  • BerkeleyBear

    What is hilarious about the Rand resurgence to me is like Christianity itself, it was a splinter movement based on fiction that almost died of shame before outsiders and converts took it and twisted it to serve their own needs. She'd absolutely beat the shit out of the people who claim to be objectivist but live in our modern society. Just like Christ would go to town on the hypocritical fucksticks who drop his name casually these days.

  • BarackMyWorld

    OT: Accidentally came across the most repulsive blog, ever. Holy crap, it's so horrible…not just for the neanderthal-like political and cultural views (there are thousands of blogs like that), but the low-brow quality of writing and the general theme of argumentum ad hominem that runs through every single post. It's like a high school freshman's idea of what a political blog should look like.

    • Biff

      Oh for fuck's sake!

    • HistoriCat

      Did you find this while googling Alex Wagner?

      • BarackMyWorld


    • Nothingisamiss

      There is no way, in my current state of mind, that I'm going there.

    • ItsMrTheOwl2You

      Wow. I haven't seen the word "vagina" in print that many times since 8th grade sex ed.

  • ProgressiveInga

    I am reading the biography of Sargent Shriver, a privileged white guy and founder of Special Olympics, Peace Corps, Head Start, Legal Services, etc., and a patriot who carried two passports – one stamped "U.S. citizen" and one stamped "Human Being". My big fantasy is to make Rand-bots read this Clockwork Orange style……….probably wouldn't help, but a girl can dream……

  • Redrighthand

    Bukowski had booze. Ayn rand had being a selfish cunt. Whatever gets you through the day…

  • ttommyunger

    Some say you have the face you deserve by the time you're fifty. Ayn made the grade by the age of 25.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I remember enjoying Rand's little science fiction diatribe Anthem quite a bit when I was a child. Never for a moment, though, did I find its milieu realistic or its outlook remotely practicable. But whatever — happy birthday, Ayn — may your alleged philosophy stand alongside those other great moralisers of our age, like PT Barnum and Joel Osteen, and be recognized for the pinnacle of invertebrate thought that it is.

    • Generation[redacted]

      That's also the only one I read. I wondered how this guy survived all on his own in an abandoned castle, let alone living a happy life. I picked it up because it was nominally sci-fi and shared its title with a Rush song. It was a short story, so by the time I realized how lame it was, and nothing was going to happen in the plot, the book was over.

  • meatlofer

    I wouldn't fuck her with a bastard rasp!

  • dijetlo

    In memorial:

    Here lies Ayn Rand
    Twice as smart as any man
    Pined for the day she could be free
    To exploit the rest with impunity.
    Her vision, to rise to the top of the pole.
    She died,forgotten, on the public dole.
    Resisting to the end, with dignity and strife
    The collectivists devils trying to save her life.
    Does her soul strive for wealth in the bowels of hell?
    Grasping for leverage over all who fell?
    I'm oft left to ponder, though I cannot say.
    It's enough for me that she's gone away.

    • Morgellon XIV

      With apologies to Lord Byron and all Canadians:

      Posterity will ne'er survey
      A nobler grave than this:
      Here lie the bones of Ayn Rand, eh;
      Stop, traveler, and piss.

  • owhatever

    I miss Ms. Kourtney and her cucumber. Ayn Rand, not so much.

  • Ruhe

    "They are one people and have one language, and nothing will be withholden from them which they purpose to do."
    "Dividing them with languages may not do the trick, therefore I shall send assholes among them to convince them that they are each a nation unto themselves and that cooperation is a sin. That'll work…stupid fuckers."

  • CapnFatback

    Would anyone like cake? Too bad! Get lost, moochers! It's mine, all mine!

  • ChuckieJesus

    “This is America. How many of you people want to pay for your neighbor’s mortgage that has an extra bathroom and can’t pay their bills, raise their hand?"


  • Sue4466

    I like what John Fugelsang said, paraphrasing here: You can't believe in Jesus and Ayn Rand at the same time.

  • MadBrahms

    If Ayn Rand sees her shadow, does it mean capitalists will continue to screw us, forever?

    Also, this is my birthday, as well, and I now feel sullied by sharing a date with that awful woman.

  • rickmaci

    The asshat AynTards portray themselves as the defenders of Christian values and then espouse the worldview of the poster bitch of selfishness, who was an atheist. They are just garden variety hypocrites and like all hypocrites they don't give a shit about being consistent. Their only real philosophy is devoid of any morality, it's simply an anarchical notion of every man (or woman) for himself. Very un-American given the admonition about promoting the "general welfare" in our Constitution.

  • The benefit of actually slogging through an entire POS book like "Atlas Shrugged" is that you then have full license to hate on it every day for the rest of your life. Epic rant:

  • worrierqueen

    God works in no more mysterious ways than the evangelical tea party's love affair with a dead atheist.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Welfare Queen

  • Nesnora

    This makes complete sense to me.

    Christians love her because religion is NOT about morals, it's about reward and punishment. Ayn Rand is all about the entitled rewarding themselves and punishing everyone else, so Christians drool over it despite the whole Godlessness thing. They don't care that she's an atheist because she's not them.

    What matters most here is that they are REWARDED in heaven for doing whatever they have to, to get there. There was never anything moral about it. Anything, anything at all that justifies selfishness is logical to them. Even charity is done in the hopes they get a reward in heaven. It's a means to an end.

  • MinAgain

    MinAgain shrugged.

  • Beowoof

    The original boa constrictor whose offspring torture not just the everglades but all of America.

  • valgal2342

    Wasn't Ayn on welfare at the end of her life? Anyway….Fountainhead was pretty good but Ayn Rand….not so much.

  • C_R_Eature

    Ayn Rand was always a psychopathic greedy self centered Cunt, is still dead and her society poisoning philosophy can't find it's way into the Dustbin of History fast enough for me.

  • BZ1

    The despicable Rand being set up a moral exemplar is laughable, oh, forgot, Fox News …

  • Negropolis

    I love the cognitive dissonance in the GOP. They both want an honest-to-god theocracy peaking into everyone else's bedrooms, but also for you to stay out of their particular bedrooms, 'cause freedumb.

    These fuckers so badly want to go back to the Garden, and, by god, they'll drive us through hell to get there if they must. Libertarianism might have made sense when we first came from the trees — and I'm not even sure about that, though, I let them entertain the argument. But, that's just also about when it ceased to be a credible system of civilization, too. How they think such a system can be successfully implemented in a civilization as large and technologically advanced as ours has been for centuries is beyond me.

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