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fappers bewarePut away your filthy magazines and Glee soundtrack! Because “culture war news” never gets old, America’s future Screaming Banshee-in Chief signed another one of those dumb pledge things, this one called “The Marriage Vow,” where she promises never to sex her husband and hate Islam and farm babies, and uh, what’s that old favorite? Oh yeah, she’ll ban porn, because the meth lab fun house that is her brain is having a seizure about the naked movies again. Wasn’t this one of those 2010 things that Christine O’Donnell invented, about how she wanted to kill all the porn? Maybe you were lucky enough to have almost forgotten her, and now you have buried your face into your hands and begun to wail, because we have reminded you of her existence.

Michele Bachmann is now the first presidential candidate to sign this thing, created by The Family Leader and it’s Chief Executive Officer of Funny-Sounding Names, Bob Vander Plaats.

U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minnesota, quickly signed the pledge Thursday, while an aide to to former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman said he never signs any pledges. A spokesman for U.S. Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, said the congressman has reservations, while a representative of President Barack Obama’s Democratic campaign committee declined comment.

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, a Republican, is reviewing the pledge, a spokesman said Thursday night. Several other GOP presidential candidates didn’t respond to requests for comment, including former Michigan Gov. Mitt Romney, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, and retired Georgia businessman Herman Cain.

Newt Gingrich obviously cannot sign this pledge, even if he wants to, because it might be retroactive, and then Jesus would come down from the Heavens and eat him alive. Herman Cain is also ineligible for The Marriage Vow, because a relationship between a man and his pizza is not sacred in the eyes of the Creator.

Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse, the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, opposition to any redefinition of marriage, and prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law.

The Marriage Vow also outlines support for the legal advocacy for the federal Defense of Marriage Act, humane efforts to protect women and children, rejection of Sharia Islam, safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. military service members, and commitment to downsizing government and the burden upon American families.

In addition, candidates are asked to recognize that “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

Okay ladies, put your hijabs away and start pooping out all the babies you can fit inside you, for America. Here is Michele Bachmann in her new campaign ad, telling you how she wants to steal your voice and hide it in the White House, so that she can take this country back from whoever ran away with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixs27-xUSRA&feature=pyv
[The Des Moines Register]

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  • nounverb911

    If Bachmannn is so against gay marriage, then why is she in one?

  • nounverb911

    Funny, Bachmannn doesn't look like a beard.

    • Ruhe

      And yet she clearly is a real 'Merkin.

      • dyedwool

        I regret that I have but one Upfist to give my Ruhe.

  • baconzgood

    Is that a Vander in your Plaats or are you just happy to see me?

    • GOPCrusher

      Funny thing. Bible Spice and Chuck Norris endorsed Ayatollah Vander Platts's candidacy for Governor of Iowa, in which he pledged to remove all the Supreme Court Justices that ruled that discrimination against same-sex couples was unconstitutional.
      He was crushed in the Republiklan primary by Terry Branstad, and later that same week, Faux Noise was calling Terry Branstad, the Sarah Palin endorsed candidate.

  • “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

    Shouldn't these guys be loving the Hispanics then?

    • Arken

      The quote left out of the part that said "for white people."

    • fuflans

      yes, because god knows we don't need any more MUSLIN babies in dearborn.

    • So step 3, ???, just before Profit! should really be "Fuck like bunnies!!!" in all those lists to prosperity?

      • mog253

        Uh,no. Reproduce like bunnies, no fucking for fun. Dammit.

    • genxr

      "Shouldn't these guys be loving the Hispanics then?"

      What part of "beneficial to U.S. demographics" don't you understand?

    • GOPCrusher

      Procreation, nor Recreation!

    • Another Repubican dog whistle. Fertility rate for whites is less than replacement, blacks is about at replacement level, Hispanics are well above. Whistle: Hispanics will someday be the majority and we'll be speaking Sharia Law en Español. The WASPs need to engage in some robust reproduction, such as the five biological children MB has borne with her fabulous husband (who is not a non-heterosexual).

      • Doktor Zoom

        Funny, that was just under the surface of an anti-immigration guy interviewed on Fresh Air yesterday.

        Today's show was a rerun of the interview with Louis CK, and so I am far less likely to hurl my radio across the room.

    • zhubajie

      You realize that by "real Americans" she means herself and half-a-dozen friends? The rest of us are just runaway serfs or something.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Nuh-uh. Ain't gonna do it. Won't click on that. Can't make me.

    • Papa_Uniform

      Smart Munster. I'm still projectile vomiting.

    • ttommyunger

      Me neither.

    • flamingpdog

      I'm waiting for the Benincasa cover version of this hit video.

  • nounverb911

    Why does Bachmann hate Bristol's baby?

  • orygoon

    Anyone who "raised" 23 teenagers who thinks she can ban porn is dumber than anyone I have ever known, ever, the end.

    • Terry

      23 female teenagers. They try to sneak out of the house to see boys and to buy tarty looking clothes. It's the male teenagers who are looking at porn.

      • BerkeleyBear

        They all also had "psychological issues" so if they weren't watching it, more than a few probably had made some or went on to make some. Come to think of it, that'd be the oppo research of all time – your precious foster child (who was with you for all of 2 weeks on average) pulling a train on DVD. Maybe that's why she wants to ban the porn.

      • Upfist Fairy

        I assume she felt much safer having teen girls instead of teen boys around her hubby.

    • zhubajie

      I really doubt she did much of the work herself!

  • LabRodent

    You lost me at OUTLAW Porn. (and the Bat-shit craziness) But outlaw porn killed the deal for sure.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Michele's hubby Marcus is being conspicuously silent on this pledge thing. I think the porn ban queered the deal for him, too.

      • PsycWench

        One could always just redefine "porn", as "marital exercise suggestions" or "performance enhancing literature" or something.

        • This is how one can now buy specifically sexual vibrators in the "Family Planning" section of Walgreen's.

          • MissusBarry

            CVS, too. Thus began a new euphamism in my office. Instead of telling people to go fuck themselves, we now tell them to go to CVS.

        • Or redefine as "Barbarian discipline materials".

          • "Do you like barbarian discipline movies, son?"

      • BerkeleyBear

        Not the anti-queers part? Of course with Marcus all deals are queer.

      • Upfist Fairy

        Although he could claim an exemption to the ban if he uses porn for theaputical purposes.

    • If she makes it more specific, like ban boring porn, or ban porn where there are obviously implants, then I might be willing to listen to her. At least until she opens her mouth to speak.

      • V572 [SSAN]

        Particularly when the scars still show. That's just egregious.

        • Swampgas_Man

          Or when they have those weird lumps around the edges. Gaaah.

          And it's worse when it's GUYS.

        • I'm old. I find natural much more appealing. Most shapes and sizes are fine, as long as they don't look like traffic cones.

    • As Lewis Black said (I think): If they banned porn from the internet, there would just one site left … called bringbacktheporn.com

      • Upfist Fairy

        Win!!!!!!

    • genxr

      I have a whole collection of outlaw porn. The Outlaw Jugsy Wales is a classic, and you really can't go wrong with a 1920s gangster theme. I applaud her support for this often overlooked sub-genre.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Why is it that the most vocal opponents of porn are the strident Republicans and the red states are the most ardent consumers of porn?

    • Rotundo_

      If they ever banned porn, it would amount to the largest economic stimulus package to hit this country since the gold rushes and oil being discovered. Think about the nature of porn now: the business in in ruins since the net gives content away, sure they still produce it, but good lord there is just such a glut. Now imagine all that gone, and you have a video camera and some people that are not horrifically ugly willing to do the nasty in front of you for a cut of the action when you sell the DVD's out of the back of your car. Half the high school aged kids will be making enough to go to college by humping in the basement 6 months after they shut down the last domestic porn site and block the furriners. And I thought that the republicans sold out small biz to hand the candy to the big guys. I knew they had it in them (and if they don't, they sure as hell will when there is cash involved).

  • Doktor Zoom

    I CAN'T FAP TO THIS!!!!

    • Did you expect her to be using FDR's campaign song Fappy Daze Are Here Again?

      • Doktor Zoom

        Nah, with her, I'd expect something more about the Mastur Race.

        —–

        (Environmental Notice: This post contains 79% recycled content)

        • I'm much more green — I keep my recycled content above 90%. Or maybe it's living in a mildew/rain forest that keeps me so green.

  • freakishlywrong

    Remember when these assholes just took a pledge to protect the constitution?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Albeit usually in this form

      (for some reason, that story pops into my head almost any time I hear people talking about "defending the Constitution.")

      • PsycWench

        I love it when someone links to my all-time favorite Onion story. I believe it to be pertinent to all matters political.

      • The Tards defend constipation at all times. Not having pooped in 5 years is why they are so grim.

        This post contains 95% recycled material

    • DahBoner

      BWAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAABAAAAAAA!

  • hagajim

    "Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse, the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, opposition to any redefinition of marriage, and prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law"

    Why doesn't he ask for their first born and require that they all wear chastity belts as well?

    • finallyhappy

      I'm thinking ban divorce, no gov't help if you aren't married and big tax breaks plus welfare equivalents for white people who have 6 or more Christian kids.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      I'm waiting for him to (re)install prima noctis

      • Dudleydidwrong

        I was thinking the same thing. Droit de seigneur would be the perfect Republican act. First dibs, then you get what's left–that's the Republican way.

    • The TP'ers love the 19th century. Women couldn't vote. No income tax. Blacks families were bought and sold in an unfettered market. Oh the bliss.

      As for marriage. One man and one woman you betcha. Though technically the man and woman had to be the same race. And by same race, I mean not "one drop" of non-white blood.

      • genxr

        BLOOD QUANTUM LIBEL!!!1!

    • comrad_darkness

      needz moar canon fodder. that's why

  • salt_bagel

    "Herman Cain is also ineligible for The Marriage Vow, because a relationship between a man and his pizza is not sacred in the eyes of the Creator."

    Wait, so we can still totally do a pizza? No problem, then! Sign away, Michele.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Just let that melted cheese cool a bit, OK?

  • Buckminster

    Yeah, white womens! Why aren't you pooping out the babies? Oh yeah, we forgot. The Repug party hates children, it only likes fetuses.

    • BerkeleyBear

      And young boys.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Nuthin' like slippin it to a hot pepperoni.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Children are noisy and smelly. Feti are precious. Like sperm.

  • SwanSwanH

    Herman Cain won't sign this thing because it sounds like it's longer than 3 pages.

    • DahBoner

      Cain has only the attention span necessary to make a pizza in 10 minutes…

  • She should take up crew.

    No, not J Crew you sillies, but the one with the coxswain panting stroke, stroke, stroke

  • ProgressiveInga

    “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

    SOMEBODY has to save those peach crops in GA. Get busy, breeders!

  • edgydrifter

    My marriage vows are like my birth–I got them right the first time, I don't need a fucking do-over.

    • BlueMonkeh

      word

    • Steverino247

      38 years yesterday for me. Good for you.

      • Terry

        Congratulations to you and Mrs Steverino

        • Steverino247

          Thanks.

      • Limeylizzie

        Happy Anniversary, young Mr and Mrs Steverino.

      • Rosie_Scenario

        My parents have been married for 58 years (yes, I 'm old) and my father's favorite anniversary joke over the years has been: "If I'd killed her, I'd be out of prison by now." Happy anniversary.

      • MissusBarry

        Congrats, indeed! My folks hit 48 this week. I figure I won't live long enough to attain that kind of number, since I'm one of those uppity bitch liberal career girls just shacking up with MisterBarry and definitely not pooping out babies.

    • PsycWench

      Hear, hear. coming up on 18 years for Mr. and me.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Me and the Missus too. Sept. 4 – and no, my son is not 17. Although the fact he turns 14 the week before does depress my wife more than a little.

      • Upfist Fairy

        21 years for Mr. Upfist Fairy and me, (if you are wondering, we are straight despite the name, keep your paws off him Marcus!)

    • FNMA

      How come all of the people I know who have been married a long time and have kids who aren't sociopaths are liberals?
      Oh.
      Right.
      Never mind.

    • deelzebub

      The husband, who affectionately named me Deelzebub after a prince of Hell, and I have been married eleven years in October. My grandparents celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary this past Valentine's Day. They are gay-firendly, pro-choice and as Liberal as you can get.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She's going to ban porn the internet? Good luck!

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      If you ban porn on the internet, there will only be one internet site left:
      BringBackThePorn.com

    • Swampgas_Man

      I suppose she can move to Tennesee.

  • LabRodent

    We have a Downfistee McAsshole afoot. Upfist are on the House.

    • Upfist Fairy

      Sigh, I leave for vacation and all He'll breaks out.

  • baconzgood

    I read this. This is true.

    "Rejection of Sharia Islam…"

    "Fierce defense of 1st amendment's Right to Religious Liberty…."

    And they are only 3 or 4 bullet points away from each other. Uhhhh contradict much Family Leader?

    • freakishlywrong

      Shhh..Baconz. You're letting the big ole' "the first amendment only applies to white fundies" clause out of the bag…

      • baconzgood

        "LOOK AT ME!!! I JUST FORGOT WHAT I FUCKIN' READ 2 SECONDS AGO!!!!"

        -People Who Sign This-

        • AutomaticPilot

          That's quite a leap of faith, baconz, assuming these people are literate.

    • Steverino247

      Was that Dear Family Leader or Great Family Leader. Wanted to make sure which of the Kim's we're dissing here.

    • flamingpdog

      "Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other anti-woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control."

      Proof again that these fundie assholes have no understanding of the concept of irony.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Fierce defense of Christians' 1st amendment's Right to Religious Liberty…."

      (You gotta learn to read between the lines, where these asshats are concerned.)

  • Sadly, I just clicked on the pdf of the vow seconds ago.

    END NOTES AND SOURCES:

    1 The Marriage Vow is a work product of The FAMiLY Leader (ww.thefamilyleader.comical), a public advocacy organization affiliated with the Iowa Family Policy Center, and collaborating supporters across the U.S. political and ideological spectrum, who recognize that enduring, healthy marriages are necessary to healthy children and a healthy American society. Sociological data squares with tradition to argue that self-centered adult egos and agendas in American families must be subordinated to the long-term interests of America's children.

    These shitheads don't care about anybody's children. Regulating lady-parts, that's about all.
    ~

    • fuflans

      i first read that as 'iranian family policy center' which works too.

    • kissawookiee

      What is this nonsense about "healthy" children? Clearly, Michelle Obama has infiltrated The Family Leader with her Kenyan Marxist Colored People's Insidious Twinkie-Killing Plan. No one is safe now.

      • The KMCP — I like the ring of that! Let's build some tunnels and start an insurgency, or kidnap a newspaper heiress!

    • PubOption

      "…self-centered adult egos and agendas in American families must be subordinated to the long-term interests of America's children"
      Discuss with reference to Sarah Palin.

  • fuflans

    why do i do this? why do i take the bait and listen to the crazy? why?

    my country hasn't gone anywhere you shrill smug narrow minded harpy. in fact, my country didn't even go anywhere during the eight years when your fucking party displayed some of the worst governance in our history.

    stupid cunt.

    • freakishlywrong

      Cuntry uber alles..

  • samsuncle

    Ah the republicans, keep signing those pledges and never ever allow for compromise because a democracy is all about "my way or the highway".

    • Lascauxcaveman

      The moment she signed it, I felt an earth-shaking uptick in jobs, for Americans! Go Republicans!

  • jodyleek

    Robust childrearing? If it's Repubes, more like robust child "rearing".

    • finallyhappy

      excellent!! This deserves a number of thumbs up but I could only give one.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Read my lips. No more porn. No, not those lips, silly!!!"

    • karen

      I imagine her next campaign ad will be like that part in Ace Ventura where he talks out of his ass, except it'll be her clambake.

  • Apparently, downfistie troll hates porn. I have upfisted everyone on this thread.

    • flamingpdog

      I doubt downfisty really hates porn. Porn is probably the only reason he's not here 24 hours a day.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      me too, as a matter of fact I put your upfists over 40, and it felt good…now I'm smoking a cigarette

  • Callyson

    "the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges"
    That's right, judges…don't get any ideas about screwing around with any other constitution!
    "prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law."
    OK, capital WTF here? Because, snark off, this could get *very* scary…as in, let's get rid of welfare so women can't leave their abusive husbands and the family has to stay together. Hurray!

  • kissawookiee

    I'll only sign that pledge if it comes with a Purity Ring, a box of Hot Pockets, and a crying eagle paintjob for my Hoveround.

    • And a freedom tray, also too.

    • Barrelhse

      What would you ever do with a Purity Ring?

      • kissawookiee

        I hear they freshen and kill 99.99% of bacteria for 100 flushes.

    • Just remember to let the Hot Pockets cool a bit before you schtupp them.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      And Truck Nuts. Also.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Is that a Purity Cock-ring?

      • genxr

        It comes with a chastity harness.

    • Rotundo_

      Don't forget the leather "assless" chaps as a fashion statement to go with the eagle paint job.

  • baconzgood

    ….But I like porn. Reason 10,569 why Michele Bachmann has lost my vote.

  • LabRodent

    When you Outlaw Porn only Outlaws will have Penises or something like that…….

  • bumfug

    Considering that the only people she hangs out with are fundamentalist Christian conservatives, I can see that it wouldn't be very hard to keep a pledge not to fuck them.

    • Pithaughn

      Just my own perspective, but a woman of her age pledging not to fuck around is like me pledging not to build spaceships out of legos anymore. Neither of us has had any interest for decades.
      If my wife really wanted me to help her build a spaceship then I would, but my days of actively seeking fellow spaceship builders around the neighborhood are long over.

  • edgydrifter

    Oh, lookee. They stuffed some rah-rah pro-soldier crap and general government strangulation verbiage into something nominally about marriage. Why stop there? I'm sure preserving oil industry subsidies and eliminating media consolidation regulations are somehow good for "traditional" marriage, too.

    • Yes, and don't forget trashing the environment.

      • genxr

        The environment is "just a theory"

    • I was noticing that pledge had a lot of government interference in private life going on there. Along with the bad formatting and promiscuous font choices.

  • mavenmaven

    Bachmann Pledge: Kinder Kirche Kuche
    Robust childbearing essential for creation of racially pure demographic!
    The Ten Commandments of marriage, very similar to Bachmann's pledge: http://www.123helpme.com/view.asp?id=43346
    She is one scary crazy fascist!

    • finallyhappy

      Yup- do you think any of the candidates know this? It would involve an actual knowledge of history.

      • mavenmaven

        The reappearance of actual proto-fascist discourse among the right wing in our late-Weimar "Merka" is very disturbing, and the reason I chose Walter Benjamin for my icon.

    • Steverino247

      Let's all rise and sing the Michele Bachmann Lied..

      Das Fötus hoch…

  • OT – blue lights a flashin'

    Agent Orange, Mr. Specious Boner, has said Barry is God and if the Teatards refuse to raise the debt ceiling the US is ruined. Or something close to that.

  • Pledge salad.

    • BlueMonkeh

      FTW! ++++++++

    • prommie

      Reminiscent of The Great Loyalty Oath craze from Catch-22.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Next pledge to sign: every one must drive Monster Trucks.

    These "pledges" are like a bunch of 11 year old school girls deciding who gets to be friends with them. Actually I think that is probably insulting to the intelligence of 11 yr old girls (except for the Bielievers – or how ever it's spelled I don't really give a fuck).

    So to sum up: I don't give a fuck what this idiotic Stepford wife cum (tee hee – I bet the only cum involved at her house is her hubby fapping to photos of Justin Bieber) politician signs. She's a nitwit. Also too.

    • PsycWench

      "her hubby fapping to photos of Justin Bieber"
      must scrub brain now. Show us some mercy ODD!

  • prommie

    I'm doing the best I can trying with the "robust reproduction" thing. Eschewing all forms of birth-control, I have been having robust sexy-time as often as I possibly can (thats the default setting, anyway; "sex?" "In, frequently."). But nothing happens, no babies, no miracle of conception and life beginning then or anything. God has thus far refused to answer my prayers for a miraculous reversal of my vasectomy. I'm just going to have to keep trying, even more robustly.

    • My girl on girl has been equally futile.

      And no fapping!

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        fap…?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      "We have twelve prominent Christian microsurgeons standing by for your call. Make your appointment now to turn back the cock (er, clock) and undo the evil vasectomy tomorrow. God will be pleased. Phone now–tomorrow may be too late:
      1-800-FUC THIS"

    • PuckStopsHere

      It might help if you stopped having "robust sexy-time", you know, alone.

  • phlox✔

    Sure, they all LURVE federal laws when it comes to the buttsex.
    Everything else, not so much.

  • FidoMcCokefiend

    "robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security."

    Unless they are poor and need help. Or not white.

    Then you are bad at life and you should feel bad.

  • Buzz Feedback

    By signing this pledge Shelly added time to today's jakk session.

  • vulpes82

    Why these people are so afraid of Sharia Law, when they're conception of it so exactly matches what THEY want to do to women, I just don't know. (Oh, wait, yes I do: TEH BROWNZ!!11!)

    • bikerlaureate

      They don't need no steenking newcomers oppressing the white women – that's the responsibility of decent Americans.

    • Why are they afraid? On its face, Sharia Law has some awful stuff. Like stoning a woman to death for adultery. OH WAIT! That's also in the Bible. Well, it has stoning infidels to death. OH WAIT! That's also in the Bible. I guess the thing is no one is trying to implement Biblical Law in the United States. OH WAIT! They are.

    • GOPCrusher

      Wait until one of them says something about religious extremism.

  • fartknocker

    Again, another religious zealot wanting to create a perceived act of governance over the reproductive organs of my gorgeous wife and daugthers. I'll fight to my death before I let some Oral Roberts University graduate think she has the power to regulate the health care or sexual orientation of any women, including my wife and daughters. It's none of your fucking business Michelle.

    She's a cunt. Yes downfister, I called he a cunt. She can keep her opinions and her religion away from my family.

    • Christ on a corndog. Did she really go to ORU? That explains so much.

      • BlueMonkeh

        that cesspool of a "university" has caused more grief for this country than can ever be cataloged.

        if there really is a USA-lovin' god he'd wipe it from the face of the earth.

        • PuckStopsHere

          Uh, I think 600-foot Jesus would have something to say about that.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I suspect that her husband might have gone to Anal Roberts Univ.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Well said.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    A spokesman for U.S. Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, said the congressman has reservations, while a representative of President Barack Obama’s Democratic campaign committee replied, "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

    • Negropolis

      Yes, that would have been the correct reply.

  • SayItWithWookies

    You know that big invasive government that scares Michele and VanderPants and all those folks? It doesn't make anyone promise they'll stay married, not cheat, not look at porn and go to church — and yet all these Republicans are going to line up and swear that this asshole's church can hold them to an invasive pledge about their personal lives. Maybe they should be running for the head of their goddamn stupid religions so they can play their little imaginary morality games in peace and leave running the country to people who can add and subtract and will consider the rights of people who aren't like them.

    • fartknocker

      Thank you for saying that. Frankly, I wish I could have said it better. Kudos to you sir or madam.

    • PsycWench

      You know, I did vow to be faithful to my husband. It was part of the marriage vows. Dd these people not pay attention the first time?

  • Nothingisamiss

    I just love these super cool pledges! What other batshit crazy ammendments could there be to this?

  • Ducksworthy

    I'm starting a pledge drive on behalf of all batshit crazy people that will require these people to pledge to stop the voices in our heads and outlaw involuntary commitment.

    • Steverino247

      Reagan signed that pledge when he emptied the psych hospitals in CA…

  • the transmission of personal virtue, from one generation to the next…

    Ahem, that's a little creepy. Did Pedobear consult on this seminal document for The FAMiLY Leader'?
    ~

    • Ducksworthy

      Child sexual molestation is clearly transmitted from one generation to another. (see Putnam, F.)

    • Ruhe

      It's only creepy if the transmissions are of the unauthorized nocturnal variety.

    • prommie

      I don't avoid the company of women, mandrake, but I do deny them my essence. We shall prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, through the purity of essence of our natural bodily fluids.

      • You don't loan out your copies of Essence, For Today's Black Woman?

    • Of course. Didn't you see the part about "robust childrearing"?

    • kissawookiee

      Who says Lamarckianism is dead?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. military service members"

    Safeguards from what? Getting sent off to get killed in stupid useless wars? As if.

    • Ducksworthy

      Anti Ghey protective devices=anal chastity belts

    • zhubajie

      She's going to protect them from exposure to booze, drugs and whores!

    • zhubajie

      Probably no condoms to safeguard them from VD. :-(

  • Nothingisamiss

    So…no porn. Can this be a republican debate question? "How would you say porn has affected your life? Do you pledge to give us your URLs as part of transparent governance?"

  • metamarcisf

    Is that a pledge pin?
    On your uniform?

  • BlueMonkeh

    stupidest thing i've read today (and i've been reading testing documents all morning)

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Now that she's an official candidate, we can start pestering this bitch for her long-form birth certificate.

    • LetUsBray

      Hey, didn't the prez himself say she was born in Canada? And who are we supposed to believe, the President of the United States, or some lying psycho Canuck?

    • zhubajie

      Was she born or hatched?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Has Sarah Palin signed yet?

  • LetUsBray

    One vital fact I haven't seen mentioned yet is that Porn and Sharia would be a great name for a band.

    • BlueMonkeh

      Sharia Porn Expirement featuring Michele Batshit Crazy-Eyes Bachmann Turner Overdrive

    • Or a fashion house, like Dolce & Gabbana.

  • poorgradstudent

    So, yeah, it gets more and more obvious that the only reason they have such a mad-on for Islam and sharia is because they can't stand the competition.

    While as a homo American horrible things would likely happen to me under either system, I think I'd rather have to say "Allahu Akbar" than "Jesus is Good," just because the food would be so much better.

    • zhubajie

      Well, if you compare the visual arts tradition of Islam vs. the visual arts tradition of Protestantism….

  • What they need to do now is to start selling "yup I'm a misogynist" T-shirts.

    • bikerlaureate

      Too many syllables.

    • GOPCrusher

      Yup, I'm a religious fundamentalist!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Anybody here ever read Asimov's Nightfall? I think the stars are coming out over the USA.

    • metamarcisf

      That's a great story

    • finallyhappy

      I could go look it up but is it the one with the computer and the Tibetan monks?

      • No, but that was a good one, too.
        Interesting story about Nightfall: I was reading an Asimov interview and he said it really pissed him off when fans told him that Nightfall was their favorite among his stories because he wrote it when he was like 17, and the implication was that he hadn't improved since then. Well, not being good with titles, I went back to see if it was one I'd read and, lo and behold, within about two sentences I recognized it – yup, my favorite Asimov story, no doubt about it.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I'm sure Joseph Heller could sympathize.

      • zhubajie

        No, that's Arthur C. Clarke, "The Nine Billion Names of God."

  • MMathS

    "President Barack Obama’s Democratic campaign committee declined comment."

    Yes. Heaven forfend Barry offend the Christian fundie bloc so crucial to his '08 victory (and his '12 reelection) by standing up for the First Amendment.

    I'm going to go watch my nugget porn collection.

  • Nothingisamiss

    Also, too, I've asked this question before: Do any of these shitheads think it's possible to be a US American with any rights if one is childless?

    • zhubajie

      Remember, their definition of "US American" is themselves and a couple friends. The rest of us just haven't been reduced to serfdom quite yet.

  • El Pinche

    Wingnuts are okay with this until you tell them it includes gay porn.

  • Barb

    She and around 30 other abortion opponents protested a $3 million appropriation to build a county morgue at a local medical center. Bachmann reasoned that it was wrong for the state to tax her for a morgue at a medical center that also performed abortions because “the dead people to be stored at the proposed morgue would undoubtedly be pro-life.”

    Bachmann speaks for the dead and the brain dead.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    There is nothing Muslin fundamentalists love more than porn, divorce, multiple sex partners, the gays and smashing up the traditional family. Ever been to Riyadh? Makes Amsterdam look straight laced. This is a major blow against creeping Sharia law — thanks Michelle.

    • Osama Bin Laden's 6 wives and porn-stash might quibble with some of this, but yes! Muslims can be big hypocrites just like Christians!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Creeping Sharia is my favorite Metallica song.

    • zhubajie

      Other Arabs like to make fun of what fundy hypocrites the Saudis are. Go to Cairo.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I am ready to strangle people over this absurd assumption that Sharia could ever,
    at all,
    in any way, shape or form,
    even postulate,
    for a single moment of time,
    ever,
    pose a threat to our Constitution,
    ever,
    period,
    also.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, will Michele change her name to Ofmarcus if she gets elected?

    • kissawookiee

      The worst part will be getting held down by a Ted Haggard look-a-like during "sex."

  • GeneralTapioca

    Didn't the Meese commission inadvertently find out that porn is actually good for controlling the sexy time urges?

  • bravo_sierra

    The wording in this is driving me crazy. What are the uneconomic parts of welfare policy? Does uneconomic mean expensive? And what about robust child rearing? How does one rear children robustly?

    • Steverino247

      We could tell you, but then we'd be violating the "no porn" pledge.

    • mull_man

      Robust child rearing, AKA Pederastol – the new/old game for Bishops and retired window cleaners

    • zhubajie

      "Speak roughly to your little boy and beat him when he sneezes"

  • Oblios_Cap

    Okay ladies, put your hijabs away and start pooping out all the babies you can fit inside you, for America.

    You first, MB. Show us how it's done. Adopting don't count.

  • The only thing missing from this is a promise from Bachmann that she will send all her future foster children to Evangelical re-education camps, just in case any of them have the slightest inclination towards homosexuality.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, her biological son, Harrison, did join AmeriCorps which is a Liberal re-education camp.

  • Billmatic

    I'm fairly certain Michelle Bachmann has never climaxed.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That would explain a lot.

    • DashboardBuddha

      She's waiting on the second coming of Jesus.

      • Steverino247

        Two thousand years is a real bitch of a refractory period!

        • DashboardBuddha

          Some things are just worth waiting for.

    • What about that time she shoved her tongue all the way into Bush's tonsils on national TV?

    • Negropolis

      Yep, she's never reached the peak of Everest.

  • Ducksworthy

    Hey. The downfister is back. Please tell us your thoughts on the weighty theo-sexual issues Mr. Downfister.

  • ttommyunger

    Eliminate porn? Every time I see that face my libido dies a little.

  • notreelyhelping

    Anybody called Lindsay Graham's office for comments?

  • I'm pretty sure "robust child rearing" has something to do with not leaving any child's behind. Maybe Marcus could clarify.

  • muddypolitics

    If the presidency were a birthing contest, I'd totally vote for Bachmann. http://bit.ly/Bachmann2012 Mommy for President!

  • user-of-owls

    where she promises never to sex her husband

    So her vag finally worked up the courage to run away. Now, when Michelle takes off her Kevlar panties, she looks like a warm-blooded Barbie doll. Down there.

    • Mapmonger

      Now I have to tear out my mind's eye. Or bleach my brain out with gin. or something.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Will it be OK if I just go through the motions of "Robust Reproduction" with The Missus?

  • DashboardBuddha

    "“robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic"

    When I was in jr. high, the local klan put stickers and posters everywhere with a phone number for a recorded message. The shrill "philosopher" extolled that the only way to save the nation was to have "more white babies".

    Same hood…different century.

  • johnnymeatworth

    This just in, she also likened gay marriage to Pearl Harbor:
    http://www.towleroad.com/2011/07/bachmann-gay-mar

  • prommie

    My actuarial health isn't so good, lately.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Oh have they come up with a working definition of porn? Does it also count when teabaggers jizz their pants while taking in the sight of an all-you-can-eat buffet?

  • Mahousu

    Michele Bachmann does not do porn. Michele Bachmann is porn.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Can they also ban teevee programs with language such as "darn" "heck" and "aw, shucks." That kind of filth is what's ruining this fucking country.

    • GOPCrusher

      Once they defund PBS, where will they go for their Lawrence Welk reruns?

  • James Michael Curley

    There's enough Botox in that face to kill off half the population of MN.

  • LesPaultard

    …former Michigan Gov. Mitt Romney…

    Apparently I lost a few years, somewhere.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Wrong Romney or wrong "state beginning with M", I wonders.

  • Limeylizzie

    If she thinks I am going to stop watching X-tube and doing my special search ' I am female and I like Male/Female special feature "Spanking", then I just can't vote for her now.

    • As the SS-Standartenführer's swift, gloved hand stung Antoinette's discomfited derriere, Lionel the Airman seethed in powerless rage in the hayloft, knowing the Nazi would shoot him before he could break the bastard's cruel arm. Lionel could only hide in silence as she frantically swore never to play Negro jazz records again in the presence of an officer of the Reich.

      Am I getting the hang of this?

      • OkieDokieDog

        Good plot line, butt needz moar spanking.

      • Limeylizzie

        The SS man threw her brutally to the side of the barn, kicking her clothes out of her reach, then marched out of the door, angrily she waited for the sound of his boots to fade away , then smiling triumphantly she rifled through the 78s and found the copy of Ellington's “Black, Brown and Beige” and put it on the small gramophone . Lionel slid down from the loft and put his arm round her , not a word was said as he kissed her and gently caressed her wounds. ” I only promised not to touch Negro music, I never promised not to touch a Negro” she whispered as together they climbed back into the hayloft…I think you have the general idea, ChetKincaid.

        • As the vivacious rhythms of Count Basie's "Jumpin' At The Woodside" swung loudly into the night air from the phonograph placed near the window, Antoinette stood, defiant yet apprehensive, at the far side of the barn. Within moments, the black boot of the Standartenführer kicked open the door and the SS Officer stood in the doorway, his face contorted in ruddy, drunken rage. Antoinette flipped her skirt at him with disdain and began jitterbugging with abandon.

          The Nazi screamed, unsheathing his Walther P38, and charged across the barn — and with his second step, was flung high into the air, his boot snatched up by a spring noose trap strung from high in the rafters. Lionel dropped down from the hayloft and swung his pitchfork to knock the Walther from the German's dangling hand, and with a second swing clouted the SS Man into unconsciousness. "That's how we catch varmints down on the Bayou, you kraut son-of-a-bitch!"

          Antoinette scooped up the pistol and with two quick shots sent the Nazi to hell. She ran to Lionel's side and kissed him with a startling passion. "We must go now, mon cher! The Francs-Tireurs Partisans are only a demi-kilometre away." And they slipped out the door into the countryside — but only after she had placed the Basie gramophone record in a hidden space between the rafters of the barn with the others…"Pour apres-guerre, bebe."

          • Limeylizzie

            Shoves hands down panties and faps happily.

          • Bon appétit!

  • DahBoner

    "What' the old favorite?"

    Jerking off into a tube sock?

    Wait–that's the Wannabe Republican "Noman", not the real Republican…

    • zhubajie

      Noman is a eunuch, I'm fairly sure. Nothing to wank.

  • You can take away my porn when you pry my cold, dead free hand from it.

  • "“robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

    Stop trying to redefine marriage!

  • Redhead

    "Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse"

    This is actually one of the times when it's appropriate to use the third person PLURAL pronoun "their" instead of using it (incorrectly) as a gender neutral third person singular pronoun. It's like people who use "whom" when the sentence calls for "who," because they don't know the rules but they think it makes them sound smart. Ugggg. (I know, I know, of all the things to be picking on in the article this one is at the bottom… it's just a pet peeve.)

  • sign away…but you'll have my porn when you pry it off my cold dead sticky hands!

  • ArmoredBore

    What I do in the privacy of my own home is between me, my doctor, and that new Calvin Klein billboard that's lit up outside my window 24-7. It DOESN'T involve these "small government" creeps who want to crawl into our vagina with a flashlight and magnifying glass in search of a precious, precious fetus.

  • …and homosexuals should wear a blue hat at all times.

  • BlueStateLibel

    It's bad enough Orrin Hatch wants the little people to pay off the U.S. deficit, now I'm supposed to pop babies out by the dozens for Bachman? For the party of "freedoms," they certainly demand a lot.

  • BerkeleyBear

    If we are going to put her in a strait jacket, can we just go the full Hannibal Lecter and cover her face with a mask. The eyes will still let us know it is her, but at least the damage of exposure will be minimized.

  • Wilcoxyz

    "prompt reform of … anti-marriage aspects of … divorce law."

    I can haz explanation?

  • teebob2000

    "it's"? Really?

  • thefrontpage

    It's time that everyone knew: Several of us here in D.C. and Akron, Ohio, have been having torrid, wild, crazy, food-fueled sexual affairs with Bachmann for years now. it mostly involves out-of-the-way roadhouses, Southern Comfort, out-of-the-way Howard Johnson Express Motels, the Ohio Players and Led Zeppelin, Tickled Pink, Boone's Farm, and early-morning breakfasts at Denny's.

  • genxr

    "I'm not racist, I just want a more beneficial demographic."

  • GOPCrusher

    When porn is banned, what will we do with the Internet?

  • whiskeybaby

    I liked it better in the original German.

  • sportshort

    She silly. She make my butt wanna chew tobacco.

  • Guppy06

    "a representative of President Barack Obama’s Democratic campaign committee declined comment"

    Because a hearty "Oh hell no!" would chase away all those conservative voters he's worked so hard to bring over to the Democratic cause.

  • Guppy06

    Sharia Law by any other name is the Republican platform.

  • kissawookiee

    More than anything, these pledges remind me of the "petitions" boys used to pass around in sixth grade (waaaay back in 1978) asserting that Foghat was the greatest band in history. We should take the Marriage Pledge slightly less seriously than those, because "Slow Ride" was a totally bitchin' song.

  • a_pink_poodle

    She'll take my porn from my warm, sticky hands!

  • anniegetyerfun

    …because a relationship between a man and his pizza is not sacred in the eyes of the Creator.

    The fuck it isn't. There is nothing more sacred than the bond between man, and oozy cheesey bread and pepperoni. Nothing. I don't even care which hole you shove it it.

  • GortRay

    Christ Almighty, this bitch is crazier than a bag of bees. Has she been diagnosed? It's like she bundled her mental illnesses to get a better price on her long distance moon howling. She needs a good Scientologist to remove her thetans or wombats or whatever it is they do.

    • Negropolis

      this bitch is crazier than a bag of bees.

      Oh, boy. That is VERY good, mon ami.

  • neiltheblaze

    "Wasn’t this one of those 2010 things that Christine O’Donnell invented, about how she wanted to kill all the porn? Maybe you were lucky enough to have almost forgotten her, and now you have buried your face into your hands and begun to wail, because we have reminded you of her existence."

    Blair! You're psychic!!

  • Ken Cuccinelli

    "Bob Vander Plaats"

    The Dutch invented Michelle Bachmann and her ilk- fundamentialist Christian capitalist fundies who think any pleasure will send them to hell. You don't hear much about them, but it seems like there is/was an element of their society so much like our worst- racist, hyperreligious bigots- but like to the 10th power.

    Let me know when they stop signing pledges or whatever and start building nukes.

    • Negropolis

      The Dutch didn't technically invent this form of Christianity, but they sure as hell perfected it. I get to see how they work almost daily not being too far outside of West Michigan, which is basically the Netherlands if it hadn't evolved from the 17th and 18th centuries.

      • Ken Cuccinelli

        Yeah, although there's that Geert "Eff the Mooslims" Wilders guy that can still get a following in the 21st century.

        Basically John Calvin seems like the second coming of Paul. One guy and his psychological problems have centuries of effect on the easily led and the stupid.

        • Negropolis

          I loathe Paul.

          Yeah, I love to hang Geert over Europeans heads when they want to go on about the craziness in America. Wilders damn-near became the prime minister of the Netherlands. As bad as America is, a guy like him wouldn't have ever made it anywhere near the presidency.

        • zhubajie

          Haven't you ever heard that there is one God and Calvin is his prophet?

  • zhubajie

    If she wants us to raise a lot of children, why doesn't she give us high wages and good health care?

  • I guess it's back to the underwear / swimsuit section of the Sears catalog for uhmerika.

  • Negropolis

    I know he loves pimp his association with our great state, but Mitt is not a "former Michigan governor." God, don't we have enough problems to deal with than to also be associated with Willard?

  • Negropolis

    Isn't "childrearing" a sex-crime in our United States? And, "robust childrearing" is a capital offense, I bet, as well it should be.

    • zhubajie

      Bastardy was a crime in the colonial days (which the Religious Right want to bring back). I vaguely remember a satirical newspaper article by B. Franklin, the defense speech of a woman convicted of bastardy, how she'd been seduced with promises of marriage by a man who was now a judge, etc.

  • civicholiday

    My favorite part of this fantastic pledge is where it talks about black people being worse off now than in the slave days, because apparently there were more stable 2-parent homes and strong father figures back then. I never knew that a return to cotton picking would cure the gang epidemic…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Where's the part where God wants tax cuts?

  • redamanda

    I really, truly wish this woman would go back to doing fetish porn.

  • BZ1

    what next? radioactive eyes just can't keep from looking for headlines…

  • Andrew_Beck679

    I'm certain I've seen her husband on GuySpy…check out his profile here: http://www.guyspy.com

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