Alex Jones’ Sources: ‘Bin Laden Has Been On Ice For Nearly a Decade’

  the ol' bill cosby pudding trick

Oh no! Osama will have the power to be a terrible actor in terrible big-budget movies!Ladies and gentlemen, this is why Web conspiracy theorist Alex Jones should be given Glenn Beck’s time slot: While Beck was prancing around with his drawing of what Osama bin Laden’s face looks like yesterday, Jones’ team was in contact with a “multitude of different inside sources both publicly and privately,” uncovering the STORY OF THE DECADE, that Osama bin Laden has been kicking it with Ted Williams in an ice chamber for years while government leaders have waited for the “most politically expedient time” to release the news of his death. According to Jones’ website, bin Laden has been dead for a decade and was dumped in the ocean so nobody would notice all the freezer burn in his beard. Sneaky, secret world order!

Pieczenik then stated that the video tape of a fat Bin Laden look alike “taking responsibility” for 9/11 that was released in December 2001 was “such a hoax” designed to “manipulate” people in the emotional aftermath of 9/11.

What? Oh, right, 9/11 never happened. We forgot.

In addition to Pieczenik, as we reported in August 2002, Alex Jones was separately told by a high level Republican source that Bin Laden was dead and that his body was being kept “on ice” until Osama’s death could be announced at the most “politically expedient” time.

When Jones asked the source if his claim was mere speculation or whether it was actually true, the source re-iterated the fact that he was being deadly serious and that Bin Laden’s corpse was “physically on ice” waiting to be rolled out for public consumption at the most opportune moment.

The reason Obama won’t release photos is they forgot to move all the Fla-Vor-Ices out of the frame before they took the pictures. Fools! You have to thaw your terrorist in the refrigerator for 24 hours before he’s suitable for presentation, and even then he will probably taste like the orange sherbet you left in the freezer all those years. Also, why was bin Laden wearing headphones stuck into a Walkman playing the hit single “Who Let the Dogs Out?” on repeat? And just look at that “Make 7 Up Yours” shirt! Nobody wears “graphic tees” anymore!

This is definitely the most politically expedient time, because the past decade hasn’t been very political, definitely not as political as these days. Just don’t be so sloppy next time, Lizard People! [Info Wars]

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176 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "Alex Jones’ Sources: ‘Bin Laden’s Corpse Has Been On Ice For Nearly a Decade’"
    If he's been on ice so long, how come Bush never used him for political gain?

    1. JustPixelz

      George Bush would never exploit the tragedies of 9/11 for mere political gain. He was like an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-listening, all-reading-library-records GOD who asked for nothing from us, except a few thousand virgin and/or soldier sacrifices.

    2. genxr

      Bush was waiting for "the most politically expedient time," i.e. after he's long gone. Bush is really just fucking with the Republicans who disowned him in 2008. OBL was in a giant freezer in Crawford the whole time! You know, the one out in the garage and every time someone says, "I'll just grab a beer" Bush jumps in front of it and says, "No, don't get up, I'll get it."

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      "Alex Jones’ Sources:"

      Possibly, but not necessarily, sarcastic comments on Wonkette.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        We'll have to think twice before commenting, from now on. Just as Collective Soul's "The World I Know" inspired the Virginia Tech shooter, so, too, have we inspired Alex Jones.

    4. riverside68

      Cheney wouldn't let him.

      This is all part of Cheney's long term plan to put the spawn of Argentinian Nazis in the White House.

      Liz is going to be Queen Mother.

      Enjoy the end of days . . .

    5. zhubajie

      Bush lost him and couldn't find him. Remember when he was looking for Bin Laden behind the curtains and under the couch?

    6. SonofSpermcube

      Because Obama and Bush actually represent the same puppet masters. Their individual gain is not what matters.

  2. OC_Slurpee_Serf

    “most politically expedient time”

    About last October would have been nice…

    1. Mahousu

      Maybe they meant the time that would have the least political impact.

      The anti-conspiracy conspiracy. Which of course, makes it an even bigger conspiracy.

      1. OC_Slurpee_Serf

        unkown unkowns wrapped inside counter reverse-psychology…

        Pouring out coffee. Switching to Jack Daniel's…

        1. smitallica

          It's a mystery inside an enigma wrapped up in a bunch of rightwing batshittery!

    1. DashboardBuddha

      I bet the US government has one of those really cool stainless steel fridges.

    2. FraAnima

      Yeah, that's why they dumped him in the ocean, so the freezer burn wouldn't be detected. Duh!

    3. mourningnmerica

      Don't worry about it. They have olive skin. But the "freezer tan" could be a problem.

  3. memzilla

    Aaaaaaaaand…. here we go… the first annual running of the OBL Popsicle Stakes.

    Hey, if we could have, we would have thawed out Walt Disney waaaaay before OBL.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.
      Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

  4. OneDollarJuana

    - how did OBL hide out so close to the Pakistani Army?
    - why did they dump his body at sea, thus eliminating all the evidence?
    - how did they come up with a positive DNA id so fast? I thought 48 hours was the minimum time possible for DND id?
    - seems awful coincidental that BHO comes up with his birf certificate and kills OBL in practically the same week?

    Inquiring minds want to know!

    1. genxr

      "BHO comes up with his birf certificate and kills OBL in practically the same week? "

      He finally got to that "to do" list Michelle left on the refrigerator. The door to the oval office isn't squeaking anymore, either.

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        The birth certificate was the only one of these things on the list.
        But since Obama was at the fridge, he opened it to see if there was anything to eat and Bin Laden fell out.

    2. Warpde

      Aghhh! All these question's and I'm still on the "Why do the tides really go in and out"
      My brain hurts.

  5. Barb

    No wonder there are so many photos of the first family, going out for ice cream. There was no more room for Ben & Jerry's at the White House. Oh well, now Bin laden's Ben & Jerry's flavor will always be:
    Bloody Sundae!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Lol, I'll have to share that one with my kid who's a big fan of Cherries Garcia. She was a little weirded out when I told her about the guy it was named for, and the whole Grateful Dead hippie cult following and all.

  6. Blendergoathead

    Actually, they're all wrong – remember that incredibly life-like Osama "statue" on display at Madam Tussaud's Wax Museum?

    Never Forget!1!!!

  7. PsycWench

    What Alex Jones doesn't know is that his "high level Republican source" was SkoalRebel on some killer crystal meth.

      1. comptoneffect

        And that was their first mistake; they should have got Joe the Heating and Cooling Guy.

    1. Crank_Tango

      also, no one has ever seen michelle bachmann and skoal rebel in the same room together…

      1. skoalrebel

        Representative Bachmann and I live by the rule that what happens in the trailer park stays in the trailer park. So there won't be any pictures of us together.

  8. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Yes, because George W. Bush had Bin Laden on ice for a rainy day when he needed a PR boost, and he just handed him over to Obama when he took office so that a Democrat could take credit for it. That sounds plausible.

    1. Ruhe

      Well it could be that someone close to Bush explained to him that producing the frozen Bin Laden wouldn't necessarily get him that Commissioner of MLB gig he'd been chasing.

      1. zhubajie

        Major League Baseball? I thought it was Commissioner of Pro Wrestling that he was angling for!

  9. Captain_Quark

    Hey, lets just face it: something is missing. We've got Bin Laden's death but no corpse. It's like Hamlet without the Prince, the internet without porn, or Hillary without the pantsuit.

    Oh dear, that brings up images I could do without.

    1. mrblifil

      The pictures are sure to come soon. My sense is the WH is waiting for Ken to release his damaging video of drunk Andrew Breitbart being finger-banged by some GOP stooge, or whatever it was he promised us.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      The Internets wouldn't exist without porn.

      Oh, I see what you did there.

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        If they banned porn on the internet, there would only be one website left on it.
        BringBackThePorn.com

    3. zhubajie

      Hill should go for the sari, the giant toe ring, etc. Lots of plump middle-aged Indian woman look good in them.

  10. edgydrifter

    Since he seems to have all the answers, maybe Alex Jones can explain how the tides work to Bill O'Reilly.

    1. skoalrebel

      The Tides Foundation does not work for Billy O. They're a front group for the Kenyan communist party that funnels money to Acorn and Bill Ayers. They want all the white people in the country locked up in Obama's concentration camps. I read all about it on the internet.

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is so yesterday's news. Everyone knows that Bush was going to announce bin Laden's death after Katrina, but it was decided that another dead bloated corpse would be lost on the American people.

    Still, if Jones has the balls, why hasn't he announced the true story, the secret cloning lab that has been trying to produced a chimera of bin Laden and Cheney?

    1. PsycWench

      Nah, the true story is that Katrina was actually caused by OBL but Bush decided it looked bad to have two OBL hits on his watch.

  12. FNMA

    Let's see, there's a "fat" bin Laden? Does that mean there is also a skinny bin Laden? Is bin Laden Elvis? Did bin Laden really die on the toilet, as The Onion reported?
    So many questions…

  13. JustPixelz

    Stupid Bush and Obama, saving bin Laden's body for so long then dropping it accidentally on-purpose into the ocean where it will bob around like an ice cube in a punch bowl until the fishes get a little peckish.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Ha ha…that reminds me of a Scooby Doo episode where the gang finds a caveman in a block of ice. Except the ice gets melted & he goes on a rampage and those pesky kids have to find him. Sorry…I digress.

      1. DaRooster

        Wait, a Scooby Doo where a monster wakes up and chases them? Do they end up in a haunted amusement park?

        1. jqheywood

          Didn't they always?

          And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddlin' kids!

  14. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Jones performs a useful public service, clustering the nation's nuts in one place so we can keep an eye on them.

  15. BZ1

    okay, taking this on "face value", what reason would Dubya have for making Osama a popsicle?

      1. dancesw_cougars

        That's silly. Everyone who took basic high school biology knows Lumbricus Cheney has 5 aortic arches, not a heart.

  16. ablington

    I'm a little jealous that Alex Jones seems to have one of the awesomest jobs in the world. This man is a modern day Dickens.

  17. SorosBot

    Wouldn't the "most politically expedient time" be October of an election year, not a year and a half before any election?

      1. DaRooster

        I'm glad it took over the headlines… I have absolutely NO NEED for endless "coverage" of what who was wearing or so an so walked like this or that… is it just me?

        1. finallyhappy

          well, I think so. They let Osama live long enough to see the wedding, didn't they??

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    There's some kind of Brendan Fraser/Encino Man joke here, but it eludes me.

    1. GregComlish

      Store Owner: "Get away from the slushie machine"

      Pauli Shore: "Take a chill pill man. I'm just showing my recently thawed terroristo how to weeze a little Ju-Uice."

      Bin Laden: "Weeze the Jews."

  19. RadioGroundZero

    Wait, what about all the "actionable" intelligence we got from "enhanced interrogation?" Torture and its bitter fruit is still good. Right?

  20. elviouslyqueer

    It's a little hard for me to take Alex Jones seriously when he relies on someone with a name that looks like the phonetic transliteration of "penis."

  21. Callyson

    According to Jones’ website, bin Laden has been dead for a decade
    And those obnoxious videos that bin Laden released, referencing current events, authenticated by top intelligence officials…it was all a big scam. Riiight…
    Seriously, if the wingnuts are not even going to try anymore, they are going to become boring old cranks…more so…

  22. DangerHelvetica

    Plausible deniability.
    "Heh heh, of course we don't have Osama frozen in a chamber behind a bookcase in the west wing, ah-heh heh henh. Now watch this drive."

    1. genxr

      That's why I planted rapid fire seal flowers up and down my lawn. With large potatoes up front to slow him down.

  23. neiltheblaze

    Can you imagine George Bush keeping quiet about a dead Osama? I'd picture him in his flight suit with a raging hard-on with a sign pointing to it saying "Suck this, Ragheads!" Or something equally Presidential.

    1. GOPCrusher

      George Bush would have been dragging the corpse behind a war chariot, up and down Pennsylvania Avenue.

  24. pinkocommi

    I don't believe this conspiracy at all. If the US had Bin Laden's body for years, Dick Cheney would have made the most of it because nothing is beneath that man. Among other things, he could have torn Bin Laden's heart out with his teeth and used the heart for a transplant. But he didn't, so I just don't believe it.

    1. GOPCrusher

      How do you know? Maybe that's why they claimed to have buried him at sea, there were no serviceable parts left. Kind of like a car at the junk yard, they throw the hulk into the crusher after they've scavenged all the parts they can off of it.

    2. zhubajie

      I always assumed that the secret prisons in Afghanistan were to provide Cheney with spare parts. But apparently he didn't take the opportunity. Afraid to go unconscious? Didn't trust the surgeons? Who knows?

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Yes. It's real. I signed it, and I'm glad I signed it, hahahahahahah! They're coming to take me away, ha, ha. Now if I can only teach Orly Titz to write we'll make a million signing birf certificates.

  25. Pragmatist2

    It appears that Alex Jones' brain has been on drugs for more than a decade.

  26. mrblifil

    Plus he was probably, like Terrorist Emeritus or some such and only had to show up on Tuesday afternoons and watch guys cut the heads off sawdust dummies.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Due to recent budget shortfalls, the Military Academy has had to rely much more on Adjunct Terrorists in first-year courses. Oh, and don't even get them started on the bleak prospects for getting co-author credit on a bomb manual. This is serious business in an institution where "publish or perish" is taken literally.

  27. bumfug

    And then there was the time they caught Lynndie England and her Abu Ghraib friends playing softball with his head…

  28. nappyduggs

    Yeah, Bin Laden's on ice if HELL HAS FROZEN OVER!

    UP TOP, BRUH! USA! USA!1!

  29. proudgrampa

    Jones' source is someone named "Pieczenik." Sounds like "Peacenik???" Come on…

  30. SheriffRoscoe

    Maybe OBL was down on the bottom, behind the three-cheese ravioli that you never eat and all those frozen lima beans they had on sale at Trader Joes. Sometimes you need to clean out your freezer, amirite?

  31. dox[acted]

    I honestly can't figure out why these people think Obama's popularity needed a bump NOW. Not during the summer of healthcare ridiculousness? Not before losing the Democratic majority in the house? Not when we were still in full economic meltdown mode, or when the Gulf of Mexico was oozing oil? This hardly seems like an "in case of emergency, break glass" moment.

    1. ThundercatHo

      If not, I can make that happen. Not that my guys usually go around kicking peoples' heads in but sometimes animals just seem to know.

  32. Mahousu

    Bin Laden’s corpse was “physically on ice” waiting to be rolled out for public consumption…
    Remind me to decline the invite for the next White House barbecue.

  33. OneYieldRegular

    "…that Bin Laden’s corpse was 'physically on ice' waiting to be rolled out for public consumption at the most opportune moment."

    "You listen to me, Jeffrey Dahmer. I don't like your friends."
    "That's okay, ma – just eat the vegetables."

    Thanks! I'll be here all week!

  34. CookiE_MonstA

    Pieczenik? (peace nick)
    al-Libi? (alibi)
    Abottabad?

    Jon Stewart is RIGHT!?! It's all made up!!!

  35. BklynIlluminati

    So wait the Bush administration saved OBL just to insure Obama's re-election? That's across the aisle bi-partisanship that i like

  36. SheriffRoscoe

    They should've put one of those "Do Not Refreeze" warnings on OBL to make this seem more credible.

  37. mavenmaven

    A high level Republican source being deadly serious is about all one needs to know in order to doubt the likelihood of this story having any truth at all.

  38. SheriffRoscoe

    HA! I knew that I couldn't have been the first to come up with that :]]]

  39. mourningnmerica

    I heard that for the last 10 years, he has looked like Carbone in "Goodfellas".

  40. mourningnmerica

    They just released the picture. It's bullshit. His eye is not shot out, he's winking, at the waitress I think. You can see the "Baba's Restaurant" sign in the background.

  41. Sue4466

    Just like his birth certificate, Obama released OBL's death purely to defeat the political mastermind that is the greatest threat to his re-election, Donald Trump. Sure. Why can't that be true.

  42. Poindexter718

    W. BU$H's "to do" list before leaving WH:
    1. Review nuculer codes w/Obama & hand over football.
    2. Tape manual and warranty card to window unit
    3. Call Alberto Gonzales for legal definition of "broom clean"
    4. Unplug basement freezer w/out telling 'em what's inside!!!111LOLZ!!!111

  43. V572..whatever

    Bourbon and brown sugar on oatmeal makes a health start to the day also!

  44. Geminisunmars

    OBL's emergence had nothing to do with timing, and everything to do with the freezer going on the fritz.

  45. DownFist Troll

    Also Brought to you by Alex Jones:

    Mexicans hate this country and are coming here to destroy it
    Teh Gheys wanna steal your kids to make them gay
    The left and the right are the same, but liberals hate america
    The Federal reserve had kennedy killed

    Talk about credibility

  46. V572..whatever

    If that were the case, we'd have single-payer healthcare insurance by now. And Tim Horton's. And more hockey.

    No, it just doesn't fit the facts.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      We have Tim Horton's. And all the teams currently in the NHL playoffs are U.S. teams. Two out of three ain't bad.

  47. Poindexter718

    FLOTUS: Barack, baby, what's that smell?
    POTUS: Come to bed, Sug. The Barry White record's about to run down….
    FLOTUS: I ain't comin' till we figure out what that wicked stench is. I smelled it in the basement the other day when Sasha was down there. I think it's coming from the freezer…

  48. Lascauxcaveman

    It's the competition these days. They keep trying to out-crazy each other.

  49. Extemporanus

    Oh my god, you guys! He's been just cold chillaxin' right under our goddamn noses this whole fucking time!

    Ya want further proof? An anagram of "bin Laden" is…wait for it…"D. Blaine"!

    Dun-dun-DUNNN!

  50. Redhead

    Well, a dead body in the freezer would be a helluva welcome present to the new guy taking over… especially one with little kids.

    "Daddy, can I get some ice cream for- AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

  51. iburl

    There's one part of his story that doesn't check out… "Republican Source".

    Of course a Republican would have said that OBL was already dead during the Bush years. They wanted everyone to think "eh, maybe he's dead and therefore it's OK that Bush has shifted the fight to Iraq and Bush "doesn't think much" about OBL anymore."

    Alex needs to consider his sources. That being said, where is the evidence?

    1. finallyhappy

      well, the Event does involve aliens, a black President and a frozen guy(although the forzen guy is from WW!)

    2. zhubajie

      My favorite crazy evangelist, Brother Stair, claims that Bin Laden never existed, he was just invented by The Powers That Be to excuse another war!

  52. carlgt1

    Today's modern neo-cons if they were put back through history:

    1937, New Jersey — obviously the communist policies of FDR led to this crash of our German friend's flagship via sabotage by the workers at the Lakehurst facility!

    1912, mid-Atlantic Ocean — pro-union anarchists put a bomb on the great ship Titanic

    1863, DC — RINO Abe Lincoln is trying to free our property!

    (anyway – what's amazing is how fast the insanity can come out — we don't even get a pause in the 24/7 "news" cycle to have current events sink in — it's immediately spun out of control by dipshit "pundits")

  53. DaRooster

    "…government leaders have waited for the “most politically expedient time”

    What? Like the hostages in Iran… I think not.

  54. pdiddycornchips

    Off topic but I am sooo psyched for "Barry can you hear me" this week. Sarah must have had so many explosive orgasms on Sunday night that she couldn't move all day Monday. I'm sure she's hard at work now. On the blog post that is. Or more orgasms. Or both.

  55. thefrontpage

    In other news, U.S. Navy officials have confirmed that the real raid on Osama's compound was carried out by military veterans Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Andy Kaufman, Amelia Earhart and D.B. Cooper.

  56. SystemError

    No one wears graphic tees anymore since the Snorg Tee girl has left our Wonkette ad space…

  57. Eve8Apples

    "Bin Laden’s corpse was “physically on ice” waiting to be rolled out for public consumption at the most opportune moment."

    Just in time for Memorial Day BBQs. Move over Omaha Steaks, we're grilling up Osama Steaks. And for the kiddies, how 'bout a thick and juicy Bin Laden burger.

  58. outragedcitizen

    Ok, the one great big hole I see in this theory is, if OBL died in 2001, the Rethugs were in charge. Why on earth would they leave the body for the Democrats to use at a “most politically expedient time”? Why wouldn't the Rethugs use it for their own “most politically expedient time” like when Bush was in trouble in 2004 or when WALNUTS! and the GOP as a whole were in serious trouble?

  59. DrunkIrishman

    Man, I knew those popsicles I bought from that White House charity event last summer tasted a bit funky…

  60. sanantonerose

    So…how will Alex Jones explain away all the witnesses who saw Bearded Turban get shot? Oh, wait. They're wiping their memories with the MIB zappy thingee.

  61. american__mutt

    The most rational and cutting comment on Alex Jones' site:

    Isn’t it rather fantastic, using the freezer claim, to substantiate the buried-at-sea claim?
    I have no direct knowledge that he was even a literal person.

  62. Steverino247

    If Osama were still alive, despite the brain injury, he would make more sense than those fools. As for those persons who still want to see the body, may I suggest pestering the Navy to the point they get dropped to the bottom near the spot?

  63. zhubajie

    Probably gave lectures on how to recognize and exploit your enemy's economic and social weaknesses, not to mention their vanity!

  64. zhubajie

    Alex actually worked in a packing plant once, while I severely doubt Glenn has ever had dirt on his fingers.

  65. SonofSpermcube

    I recall a Jello Biafra lecture where he said something like "The best thing about the internet is now that one mutant in a small town in the middle of Nebraska no longer has to be alone."

    This is also the biggest problem with the internet.

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