a plea for pixx

Obama, Release the Photos of Bin Laden’s Corpse. Sincerely, the Internet

Casper the friendly ghost's unattractive friend.Last night on Glenn Beck’s sickly teevee show, the profitable conspiracy theorist host made a simple plea: for the government to release its photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse. Glenn would like to see it. And his argument was that the photos can’t be all that gruesome, because most Americans have seen The Godfather and children play violent video games. In fact, Glenn “worked all day” on this goofy little cartoon of bin Laden’s shot-up head. And guess what? Beck is right. Not for the reasons he mentions, and certainly not for that dumb drawing, which makes bin Laden actually look cute. The reason President Obama should release the photos is because they will be more gruesome than movies or video games. And it is only fitting the photos live forever here on the most horrifying place in all the world: the Internet.

The problem with movies and video games, some people say, is that they give people a lust for violence. But the actual problem is they give people a lust for violence that isn’t real. Does your child think it’s cool to shoot somebody’s head off? Take them the Internet. Show them a photo of a real human being who was shot in the head. That kid won’t think it’s so cool anymore.

The news media can have their protracted debates about whether it’s suitable for them to air the photos if they are released, but it won’t matter, because they will exist on the Internet, the most suitable place of all. The Internet needs these photos so badly it has already made fakes. It needs them not just out of morbid curiosity, but to conclude another chapter of the Internet: the videos of office workers, people’s family members, jumping out of the World Trade Center in terror, and the videos of U.S. citizens being decapitated by terrorists and insurgents in the Middle East. Without the gruesome image of a dead bin Laden, there is no true justice to answer these crimes that will continue to float forever on the Internet.

Yes, these photos will end up on the back of the XXXL t-shirt of a man standing in front of children in a Walmart checkout line. But children should probably see a real dead body, one that’s not caked with makeup in a casket, at some point in their upbringing. Death is a part of life. And, in modern times, so is American justice and the country’s war machine.

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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194 comments

    1. Eve8Apples

      Agreed. He keeps showing his penis pictures of Palin, but they just don't do the trick anymore.

  1. Barb

    This kind of behavior is all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Wait, that didn't sound right.
    I have no need to see the photos. I am sure many will want to see the martyr tape. That should be enough for them. If they release that and Bin Laden is still alive he will just make another tape, holding the daily paper to show that it is correctly dated. I don't want to hear his voice or see his image ever again.

      1. Barb

        No, I am not your mother. Finish your oatmeal and make sure you bring me the laundry before you go to work. No running with scissors today!

      2. BaldarTFlagass

        As soon as I left home I went out and bought me a Red Ryder BB Gun, because my mom would not allow me to have one when I lived at home. I can't remember why not.

      3. tessiee

        /Mom voice/
        "If Glenn Beck jumped off a bridge, I suppose you'd do it, too!"
        Mom voice

        Now let us all pause a moment to savor that image.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      I'm thinking that they'll be a guy selling a shirt at the top of the escalator at Metro Center with Bin Laden's shot-up face and that quote underneath about 24 hours after the picture is released. I'm surprised there isn't a faked-up one right now.

    2. finallyhappy

      The deathers who have posted here as well as a nut I just saw on Tv say photos will not satisfy them.. However, if Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin( who thanked Bush for the death of OBL) personally can remove DNa fro mthe body and perform the tests themselves, that will work for teabaggers.. The deathers will not accept the DNa tests no matter who does them- because they will then claim that whomever they said should do them were bought off or the DNA was from an earlier time, ad nutieum

      1. tessiee

        Also because DNA is science, which is anti-Bible and also a fake conspiracy by Al Gore to make $$$ for Big Environment.

  2. memzilla

    Yes, we all know that the Breitard faction is always placated by the release of evidence. Except the evidence of their own douchefappery.

  3. carlgt1

    all this blood-lust from the reich-wing — jeez you'd think they were about as violent & insane as the Muslins they're always bitching about. what next, Glenn & Rush & Ann & Malkin ululating and dancing around?

    Let's face it – these idiots won't be happy until we have pics of Osama's corpse covered in pig carcasses with a piss-stained Koran on top….

    (insert Penn Gillette's fake MLK Jr "enemy death" quote here ;-)

    1. GOPCrusher

      I say if we release the pics and videos of the death of Osama Bin Laden, then let's also release the rest of the pics from Abu Ghraib Prison.

    2. tessiee

      "all this blood-lust from the reich-wing — jeez you'd think they were about as violent & insane as the Muslins they're always bitching about. "

      Yeah, you'd think.

  4. Arken

    The best way for kids to understand death is to take a long walk down a railroad to find a corpse and poke it with a stick.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      Or, take a walk along the Jersey Shores and explain why the dozen or so corpses there are missing knee caps, etc.

    2. AJW@[redacted]

      Having done so with lesser mammals I cannot recommend this highly enough, especially in keeping with today's 'splody theme here at our wonkette.

    3. mog253

      Yup, that's how we learned, oh wait, that was a movie. Seemed so real at the time.

    4. deanbooth

      Ever since I was a kid I've had a fear of finding a dead body. Sometimes I'm even afraid to click the "replies" link for fear of what it might reveal.

  5. Maman

    POTUS is working on building up the new conspiracy theory about him… that this was all faked. Then wait until the Sunday before the election! Bam!

  6. ablington

    is it me or do the crazies seem even more crazy since OBL was killed? Is that possible? Can Beck be crazier, mathematically?

        1. tessiee

          "But his meat doesn't fit the bread."

          Relax, it's only a cracker college anyway.

  7. Dr_Zoidberg

    Aw, look how talented Beck is! Why, when his illustrious career as Faux News' crybaby is over, he can go on to illustrate children's books!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I thought it was a drawing of the 8th Dwarf, Pokey, who died of a horrible eye infection shortly before Snow White showed up.

    1. finallyhappy

      It is being discussed right now- but I guarantee it will make no difference to the deathers(or nutters)

  8. Texan_Bulldog

    It's getting to the point where if Barry told these assholes the sun is a round orb, they would deny it.

    1. CapeClod

      To which Barry can respond, "Well, if you stare at it long enough you will see what I mean."

    2. DashboardBuddha

      Just try telling them that the sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Already tried to tell them that. But did they listen? They just said, "You're not the boss of me."

    3. Terry

      Remember that they've already protested Michelle saying that it's good for kids to eat vegetables. That's only about half a step from denying the sun is an orb.

  9. jodyleek

    I hope they release the bin Laden photos the same day they release the photos of the girl Glenn murdered in the '90s.

        1. jqheywood

          And I believe the fundies worship these dead-eyed fish…judging from the bumpers of their cars.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        You should see your doctor–when you're drunk, they're supposed to become spirals.

        Gotta go swat those little birdies and stars circling my head.

        1. Gleem_McShineys

          If you experience changing into a wolf and your tongue becomes a giagantic roll and the top of your head has burst off, revealing an old timey steam whistle, you might be suffering from Cartoon Sexual Excitement Syndrome. Consult your doctor immediately.

          1. tessiee

            And don't even get me STARTED on what happens if you buy anything from Acme Corporation!

        2. tessiee

          "You should see your doctor–when you're drunk, they're supposed to become spirals. "

          No, Xs for eyes = drunk or unconscious, spirals for eyes = either crazy or really, really angry.

    1. kissawookiee

      Just make sure you don't end up with two Xes, because I'm pretty sure that means something bad.

  10. Mort_Sinclair

    For Beck, the photos of Bin Laden are simply money in the bank, another way he can continue to milk the cretinous half-humans who hang on his every bespittled syllable. Just imagine how positively rapturous the undead will be as Beck "decodes" the shadows, colors, pixels, and 'shop evidence those photos are bound to offer.

  11. freakishlywrong

    They all also *ooops!, manage to say "kill Obama" or Obama has been shot dead". *Ooops! Fuckers.

  12. Native_of_SL_UT

    There is no place for pictures like this on the internet. The internet should only have pictures of celebrity tits. That is all.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Or pics of Lindsay Lohan being hauled off to jail for the zillionth time. Or Photoshops of Sarah Palin sodomizing a moose carcass. But other than that, yes, absolutely.

  13. donner_froh

    When the photos are released I will wait for the ponytailed photoshop guy who works for Alex Jones to tell me what is real and what isn't.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      "But, the KERNING*!!!"

      * – I have no idea what "kerning" is, but the whackos always seem to be on about it.

  14. dox[acted]

    I'm surprised that Glenn needs visual aids for his masturbation pleasures. He seems to be the imaginative type.

  15. OkieDokieDog

    Has anyone checked to see if the photos are already on the intertubz in Mexico? Don't they have some kind of cult following there for gruesome photos of dead people… or lol kittehs wearing mucha lucha masks or something?

  16. DaRooster

    "…and children play violent video games."

    Hey, who you calling children Mother Fucker? The cool part about the games is when the bodies and blood just dissipate (like in real life I imagine)… but their money stays long enough to grab it up.

  17. littlebigdaddy

    I demand to see Obama Bin Laden's long-form birf certificate!!!!1111!!!!1111

  18. CapeClod

    Because DNA evidence is scientific and thus a completely unreliable means of establishing the identity of a dead person.

      1. PsycWench

        Nah, Johnnie Cochran was known for issuing an if-then statement. These people plan to deny no matter what they're shown so we're dealing with more of a constant than a contingency.
        That made sense in my head.

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      I was listening to the radio this morning and Ron Paul was questioning how it was that they could get DNA verification so swiftly and that he wanted more information. I wondered how Diane Rehm kept her breakfast down…

  19. Native_of_SL_UT

    This reminds of when I was a kid. We had this goat that got half-castrated. He was meaner then hell (for good reason). My step dad decided it was time to put him down. So we went out to the pasture and the old man put a .22 cap in the goats head.
    Pissed it right off. Funniest thing I ever saw was that shot goat chasing my asshole step dad around with him frantically trying to reload the single shot .22.

    1. Terry

      Why half castrate a goat? To give him the bad temper possession of male gonads can provide, yet still allow him to shoot blanks?

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        To castrate a goat, you put a really strong rubber band around their testicles until they drop off.
        The rubber band slipped.

        (edit: Now I'm having fantasies about Glenn Beck with rubber bands)

        1. Gleem_McShineys

          When my sister and I were kids, up at my Grandma's ranch, we used to play with the "rubber cheerios" we found … until we found out what they were really for… CHILDHOOD OVER

    2. tessiee

      My neighbor called the cops because some of her property had gotten broken into. She has some animals in a fenced enclosure, so she tried to warn the officers to stay away from the billy goats, because they could be mean and aggressive. The officer rolled his eyes like that was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard and told her, condescendingly, that he'd dealt with all kinds of stuff in his job, and proceeded to the backyard.
      Neighbor: *shrug* OK, I tried.
      3…
      2…
      Goat: Baaah!
      Officer: What the… HELP!! HEY LADY!! HELP!!

  20. freakishlywrong

    I really don't want to see the picture. But, our evil overlord the internets will make us see the picture. It will be as bad as the night terrors that psycho's mug shot in AZ gave me. (The one that shot Gabby, I KNOW they're all psychos).

  21. nounverb911

    "these photos will end up on the back of the XXXL t-shirt of a man standing in front of children in a Walmart checkout line. But children should probably see a real dead body,"
    Those are over on aisle 9.

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      Nah, they're probably right there at the front door. You know, the couldn't-ever-retire superannuated greeter whose medicare was cut by tea-powered compassionate killservatives, who falls over dead during his shift.

  22. Redhead

    Beck, Trump and the rest won't believe that he really died under Obama's administration until they see pictures of Bin Laden's corpse, the death certificate, results of the DNA test proving it's Bin Laden and polygraphs of the doctors who performed the autopsy and the DNA test.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Then they can get Fox to broadcast the film of that, "Arabian Autopsy: Fact or Fiction?"

    2. GOPCrusher

      And the corpse better be holding a copy of the New York Times with May 1, 2011 displayed.

  23. easynewz

    In related news: I saw on the teevee today that OBL's supporters are hailing his wife for stepping in front of her hubby to take a bullet for him.

    Needs moar gay Hispanic intern.

    1. philpjfry

      My wife tells me she would do the same thing, then she starts laughing hystericaly

  24. HempDogbane

    Lady Gaga's meat dress – beef + pork + bin Laden's corpse photo + retardation = best Walmart t-shirt ever !

  25. elviouslyqueer

    Obama: Release the Photos of Glenn Beck's Head on a Platter. Sincerely, Elviouslyqueer

    Fixed.

  26. EatsBabyDingos

    The drawing is worse than Little Susie's drawing of a dog in HighLites, and Little Susie was only three and born with no talent.

  27. freakishlywrong

    It's amazing how Obamar can go back in time and start two wars and destroy the economy, and George Bush can go forward three years and capture OBL. How does that happen?

    1. jus_wonderin

      Obviously we have mastered time travel and are using it for all the wrong reasons. Dammit Jim, I am a doctor not a physics scientist!

    2. MissusBarry

      I assumed Jeebus Hussein Cristo whispered it in their blessed little conservitard ears and it became so. Didn't get this notification myself, what with being an infidel, er whatever non-muslin equivalent term they like to throw around.

    3. lulzmonger

      Through the magic time-bending properties of that glorious patriotic daily activity that has sustained the GOP ever since Ronald Reagan (PBUH) made it mandatory in 1980: huffing mercury-coated paint-chips.

      The Gipper single-handedly saved the Neocon Empyre when he introduced "Republican Oxygen" – by the late 70s Goldwater's traditional recipe of psilocybin steeped in heroin just wasn't getting the job done any more.

  28. philpjfry

    Release the photos, They will be faked. Release the DNA evidence, bogus. Put his head on a pike, someone elses. If Al Queida admits he is dead, they are using the publicity of his death to give OBL a peacefull retirement somewhere. There is NOTHING we can do to prove to these assholes that a black president did ANYTHING worthwhile. No sense in trying.

  29. lowaltflier

    Next we’ll be hanging terrorist on prime tine TV.
    The de-evolution continues.

    1. easynewz

      Ya know, I have always wondered how the heck they teach astronomy in a fundie/creationist school. A little problematic with the stars at a distance and the speed of light…. The Earth is 6000 years old, bwahaha.

      1. finallyhappy

        You assume they teach it? The Bible says on what day God created what- that is the end of the teaching on Sun. moon and stars

      2. UpFistTroll

        You jest, but one way they teach it is that the light was created, in transit, 6000 years ago, similar to how God put all those fossils in the ground just to mess with us.

        This then leads to Last Thursdayism, which is the belief that the entire universe was actually created last Thursday, with all of our memories, history, and what we believe to be the past created at that exact moment.

  30. joobajooba

    Osama was shot in the left eye. Beck's drawing has it on the right. Forgery! Conspiracy! Coverup!

    1. cheetojeebus

      proof that Beck like that moroon in Pittsburgh, used a mirror to do that little drawing. A self portrait as OBL? an asshole wrapped in an enigma dipped in crazy.

      1. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

        Give the photo (and copyright of the photo) to them, let them license it and do with the proceeds what they will.

  31. undeterredbyreality

    I can't believe nobody's caught the fundamental error in Jack's column:
    "Yes, these photos will end up on the back of the XXXL t-shirt of a man standing in front of children in a Walmart checkout line."

    You can't see the back of a shirt on a person in a hoverround.

    1. kissawookiee

      You can, however, see the sides as they ooze around the edges of the seatback. Picture might be a little distorted from all the rolls, though.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Agreed…and you snark blocked me with this fine comment. I was going to write a short screed about how America's children need to see more pictures of actual dead (ie shot to shit) people to better prepare them for when they participate in one of our (endless) wars.

  32. El Pinche

    Obama should watermark the released photos :
    "Barry Obama Pwned OBL 2011, bitches"

    That'll cock block the gore-wanking wingtards.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Maybe some one will put it on I Can Haz Cheezeburger so we can make some humorous EPIC FAIL posters.

  33. Warpde

    Don't let Beck fool you.
    He's already seen the pic's.
    How else could he draw such a remarkably accurate dead bin Laden.
    God talks to him don't ya know.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      I wouldn't trust drudge if he told me it was daytime and we were standing on a beach at high noon.

  34. DashboardBuddha

    OT: I'm getting annoyed with Intense Debate, I think. As someone earlier pointed out, a bot is responsible for the downfistation. How can a trustworthy discussion program let this happen?

    1. tribbzthesquidz

      My biggest frustration is the user dashboard follow feed, whereupon I should be able to click on the comment link and go to that specific comment. It actually works until the thread gets crowded.

  35. proudgrampa

    In my family, we have a tradition that, at funerals, we keep the casket closed: no viewing of the body. We believe that it's more important to remember the dead for what they were, not the shell that lies in the casket.

    But in the case of bin Laden, it is probably more important to remove ANY doubt about his demise. Though it might inflame a few, showing pictures of his dead, sorry corpse is the right thing to do.

    1. finallyhappy

      Show the picture but it will not end doubt among the deathers. However, conspiracy followers or haters or morons – nothing will do.

  36. smitallica

    Predicted quote when the photos are released:

    "It's a fake! Bin Laden's visible gray matter and splattered face has LAYERS! That shit was 'SHOPPED!!"

  37. jus_wonderin

    "While this photo apparently shows a bullet hole a few inches above Osama's eye, we can't confirm conclusively that this is indeed a bullet hole or if this is Osama. We now want the coordinates for the "burial at sea" so as to bring Osama to the surface and confirm with our own eyes. We cannot be sure that our President is telling us the truth."

    Ya know, I hope if there is some "lying" going it is that they iced the body and have it at Area 51.

    1. tessiee

      "We now want the coordinates for the "burial at sea" so as to bring Osama to the surface and confirm with our own eyes."

      Somehow, that wouldn't satisfy them either.

  38. KeepFnThatChicken

    No. NO. NO. Fuck you, Glenn, and every last goddamn one of you. You want photos? Take diving lessons.

  39. mourningnmerica

    Oh, shit. They just released the Death Certificate. It says he died in Hawaii…

  40. glamourdammerung

    It really says something when you can not tell the difference between most of the comments from teabaggers and al Qaeda about Osama bin Laden's death.

    1. lulzmonger

      Hmm … hate-filled True Believers, led by rich venal cretins happy to screw them over, cheering for actions that will condemn them to epic levels of misery, despising liberal humanist secular culture even as they enjoy its manifold benefits, anti-science, anti-democracy, zero understanding of history, immune to logic, guided by superstition … nope, no similarity there AT ALL.

    1. tessiee

      Stephen King's kids: Maaaa, Daddy's making the walls drip blood again!
      Stephen King's wife: Oh, for the love of… Honey, go hang out at the Emergency Room for a couple of hours, OK? You kids, go play outside while Mommy cleans this up. *mutters* I swear to God, I'm living in a crazy house…

  41. Naked_Bunny

    Obama should just tell everyone that the photos are being held in Guantanimo and therefore cannot be released, ever.

  42. gullywompr

    Fuck The Godfather and video games, if you've seen Glenn Beck's show then photos of a dead Bin Laden will pale in gruesomeness.

    Can't believe I'm the first one to write that. Not my best work, but it had to be said.

  43. tessiee

    Can we poke Rush with a sharp stick so he goes flying around the room backwards as the hot air escapes?

  44. tessiee

    An obviously fake picture = they staged the whole thing; a really convincing picture = they put a lot of effort and resources into staging the whole thing.

Comments are closed.