why you should only sleep with crazy teabaggers

Clarence Thomas’ Heaving Body In the Heat of Passion, Described

Quickcrete.Congratulations to Lillian McEwen, that woman who was finally able to overcome years of terrible embarrassment about having sex with Clarence Thomas to write a book about it. D.C. Unmasked & Undressed is the title of this newly released memoir, because the people who write tell-all memoirs are weirdly terrible at this part of marketing. Obviously this book should be entitled What Clarence Thomas’ Dick Looks Like and How He Uses It, as that’s the only reason why anyone would buy it. Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts? Like “coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.” What?

McEwen gushes over Thomas’ prowess and “fantasy [package],” describing his body as “coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.”

He was a “national treasure,” she said, one she shared with other women in ménages à trois and in a voyeuristic pleasure palace. And she described her then-lover as being “easily aroused,” with a “strong interest in pornography.”

Some day we will have to get Ruth Bader Ginsburg drunk and ask her if the number of boners he has popped on the bench is greater than the number of words he has spoken from it. And then we will have to kill ourselves, because why are we thinking about Clarence Thomas’ boner? This is all gross. [AFRO]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    "He was a “national treasure,” "
    Can we put him on permanent display in the Smithsonian?

    • OneDollarJuana

      Apparently we'll need to put a bit of extra space between his crotch and the glass.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Can't we just bury him?

    • genxr

      Plaster Caster rules Bader Town!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Like the taxidermy scene from Planet of the Apes?

    • jim89048

      As long as we get to refer to him in the past tense, I'm good with it.

    • Numbat_Dundee

      There is a precedent for this. Just google image "Rasputin" if you dare.

  • nounverb911

    "He was a national treasure, "
    Can we get Nick Cage to steal him for us?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Can we bury him and lose the map?

    • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

      national treasure – just like the Iowa 80 truck stop

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    …with a “strong interest in pornography.”

    Not to mention, thinking same goes better with Coke™.

    Some day we will have to get Ruth Bader Ginsburg drunk and ask her if the number of boners he has popped on the bench is greater than the number of words he has spoken from it.

    I'm thinking of a number greater than zero…
    ~

    • OneDollarJuana

      How about ∞?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Wow! We thought Ginny was pissed at Anita Hill. Me thinks Lillian is going to be getting more than a phone call from Ginny…maybe a horse head or severed body part.

    "…her then-lover as being “easily aroused,” with a “strong interest in pornography.” Guess that's how he's managed to stay married to Ginny for so long.

    • DoktorZoom

      Has Ross Douthat been informed of this outrage?

      • widestanceroman

        Best fapping he'll do all year.

        • tessiee

          *dies*

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Ewww and ewwwwwer.

  • GuyClinch

    Vomit cleanup on Aisle My Desk!

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Seriously. Screw you, Jack. It's Mardi Gras. I'm supposed to be out there consuming my weight in pancakes and bourbon and now all I wanna do is puke and then roll into the fetal position. You couldn't have waited one day? ONE DAY? This would have made the Ash Wednesday fasting so much easier…

  • FNMA

    "Heaving"?
    Well, now I am.

  • GuyClinch

    "Strong interest in pornography". Finally, something wonketteers and Clarence have in common!

    • SorosBot

      Um, haven't we known this since the Long Dong Silver hearings?

    • jqheywood

      Of course he has a strong interest in pornography.… How can he know it when he sees it if he hasn't seen it all?

  • freakishlywrong

    Long dong velve…ugh. Up comes my breakfast.

  • ablington

    Awww, my eyeballs just pushed themselves out of their skull sockets and rolled at top speed toward the paper shredder. Come back, eyeballs, come back! There's more Clarence Thomas porn to read!!

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Thomas' body is like "coffee-bean velvet covered cement"

    Butta-face.

  • MozakiBlocks

    It's currently taking every ounce of self-control I have not to begin projectile vomiting.

    I think I need to lie down.

  • Captain_Quark

    Velvet-covered cement: now there's a fetish for you. Although Velveeta-covered cement is probably even weirder.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    DO NOT WANT

  • baconzgood

    "Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts?"

    Why do you dislike us so much Jack?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Sheesh….why not just say he's like "black as the ace of spades" covered cement?

    • XOhioan

      Maybe she likes coffee.

  • Troubledog

    In this thread: Player haters.

    • jqheywood

      Playa hatas

      Fixed.

  • DoktorZoom

    Ummm….Yeah. You know, there are just some places the imagination doesn't need to go.

  • http://wonkette.com NorbertsRevenge

    The long, silent type.

    • widestanceroman

      Chris Brown-like, but a stronger roast.

  • walstib

    You bastards.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I want Thomas off the court as much as anyone, but proving perjury at this point isn't worth it. You might also be opening the doors to reliving the Lewinski scandal (which conservatives will argue was EXACTLY LIKE the Thomas/Hill scandal).

    • DoktorZoom

      But worse, because it was consensual and involved libruls.

    • Preferred Customer

      You know, until I read this thread, I used to think that there was nothing in the world I wanted to think about less than Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Boy, was I wrong.

  • freakishlywrong

    I'd have preferred if her sex history with Clarence had been titled; Unknown & Unknown

    • walterhwhite

      "Dumb and Dumber"?

  • widestanceroman

    I thought her book was called, 'Blown and Unblown.' [thanks, I'll be here all week, etc.]

    That's one hell of a phrase, velvet-covered cement, but we've all seen his face before.

    What I want to know is if he's as quiet in bed as he is at work.

  • chickensmack

    Easily aroused? What the fuck makes him so special?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      That made me laugh out loud, chickensmack.

      • chickensmack

        That would be like Bristol Palin writing a book that says, "Sex causes babies."

        • Texan_Bulldog

          I'm not totally convinced Bristol knows what causes babies with her mom constantly babbling about gifts from Jesus, etc. She probably just thinks she needs to stay away from spicy food or some stork knocked her up immaculately in her sleep.

    • Negropolis

      I was thinking the same thing. And "a strong interest in pornography"? Is there any other kind of interest if you're in to pornography?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Alt-text FTW!!!!

  • Come here a minute

    coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.

    What the fuck is "yada yada yada"-ed out by the ellipsis?

    Never mind, I'm sure I don't want to know.

    • Crank_Tango

      …hulls mixed with dogshit and wet…

    • chickensmack

      I wonder if the cement reference means that she got "pile-drived" or "jackhammered."

    • tessiee

      …enema while lying on…

  • Barbara_i

    Yuck, "coffee bean" I need a Silkwood shower now and a latte of brain bleach to get this image out of my head.

  • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

    Read it? Of course not! Greer: you know what you have to do.

  • HempDogbane

    I'll probably just wait for Scalia to review it and read that.

    • DoktorZoom

      I'm looking forward to Nina Totenberg's re-creation of pivotal scenes.

      • widestanceroman

        If she plays both parts, then I want to see it, too.

  • MinAgain

    Geez, Jack. I just ate.

  • SorosBot

    Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew….

    • trashbot

      almost my exact thoughts….. I was thinking eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww

  • Terry

    I think McEwan and Ginny Thomas need to appear together on Montel to discuss this whole matter.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Or ask questions of the participants.

  • DoktorZoom

    Far too much about Clarence Thomas's John Thomas

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i just vomited processed coffee beans

  • mumbly_joe

    The latest vibrator is Clarence Thomas.

  • Hatrabbit

    Thanks Wonkette. If anyone needs me I'll be in the kitchen, scrubbing my brain with steel wool.

  • Jason_inthe_Peg

    Pictures or it didn't happen?

    • V572625694

      In this case, no. So ruleth the Supreme Court.

      • MozakiBlocks

        Not only no, but HELL NO!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Triple icky.

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    I'm not mad at him. For this, at any rate.

  • cheetojeebus

    That sound you hear is me throwing up through my eyes.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Please pass brain bleach.

  • baconzgood

    "…If I run out of vomit can I borrow some of yours"

    -Tom Servo-

  • GuyClinch

    "Dissent of a Woman"?

    • DashboardBuddha

      120 Days of Clarance

  • DoktorZoom

    That reminds me! Who wants chowder?

  • LabRodent

    Really! I'll be in the Lab drinking random beakers of foamy shit until i get that image out of my head.

  • CapeClod

    You can fight all these unwanted images by imagining you are covering Thomas with cement, laying velvet over it and standing on the spot while drinking a cup of coffee.

    And if anyone prints a porno tell-all about Newt Gingrich, I will tell you up front that WE DO NOT WANT!!!

  • mavenmaven

    I think a conservative think tank conference co-hosted by Thomas and Ross Douthat is in order. Moderated by Bristol Palin.

    • XOhioan

      You forgot J-Lo

  • JoeBiteme

    It's stories like this that make me want to cut myself…

  • OneDollarJuana

    "Coffee bean"? What would Juan Valdez say?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      He'd be too busy savoring the steaming cup to notice…

    • tessiee

      "Ai yi yi! Que porca! No me gusta!"

    • Negropolis

      WWJD, what would Juan do?

      What would he say? Well "Would you like to see a donkey show?"

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The phone message that Ginny Thomas leaves for Lillian McEwen will be epic.

  • chickensmack

    Oh Jesus. I just figured it out. The Old Spice Guy is the new Clarence Thomas.

    • tessiee

      "Look at the other justices. Now back to me."

      [small voice]
      I'm sorry, Old Spice Guy. I'm really sorry. Call me.

  • hagajim

    Thanks Jack…if anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom passing some coffee bean velvet colored cement….or what I like to call a Clarence.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Double thanks, actually. My doctor wants me to take a med called Maloxicam for my back. One of the side effects is "excrement like ground coffee". The "coffee bean velvet colored cement" comment pushed me back to the ibuprofin/ice side of the field.

  • V572625694

    "…fantasy [package]"?

    Who can supply the bracketed elision?

    • Oblios_Cap

      you'll have to buy the book.

  • MinAgain

    You know what's wrong with that picture of Justice Thomas? The eyes don't follow you around the room.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Ms. McEwen also said that things got bad between them when Clarence stopped drinking. Nothing good ever comes from stopping drinking.

    Just look at GWB.

  • DoktorZoom

    Long Dong Thomas: Legally Debriefed

    Deep Injunction

    Amicus Curiae Benefactum (Friend of the Court With Benefits)

    I am Curious (Coffee Bean)

    If It Pleasures The Court

    • GuyClinch

      "If It Pleasures the Court"

      Have you any idea how many internal organs I just ruptured trying not to alarm the whole quiet office with quaking laughter? Anyhow, WIN

      • MozakiBlocks

        The only upside to being unemployed is reading Wonkette in the privacy of my own home and laughing like a baboon on a three day nitrous oxide bender.

    • tessiee

      Um… bang that gavel… um… and you fuckin girls thought my gavel was big…
      I got nothin' here.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    AFRO? Well one media outlet not controlled by us joos…

    • doloras

      Apart from Sammy Davis Jr?

  • Blendergoathead

    Oh, for fuck's sake. Jack, was this really necessary? Those of us on the west coast are barely awake (and slightly hung over), and you throw this in our faces? Jesus.

  • Gopherit

    A national treasure? Maybe we can put his dick on the other end of the reflecting pool…..right in front of Honest Abe…..just looking down, confounded on the two phallic symbols of our great country.

  • Jerri

    Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts?

    Bleh. You couldn't have waited to post this until after International Women's Day?

  • GregComlish

    "coffee-bean velvet covered cement" is the new long dong silver

  • undeterredbyreality

    tg;cr

    (too gross; couldn't read)

  • BornInATrailer

    Who knew I'd be pining for those screechy hateful Muslim protest videos so quickly?

    • jus_wonderin

      Or anything about a Palin.

      • tessiee

        Wait two minutes.

  • Ramon_X

    will this one get posted?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    …whatever else they had in bed…
    fixed

  • Preferred Customer

    I believe that there already is one, actually. I think it is called Dark Justice. I cannot google this to confirm, because I do not want to be fired instantaneously.

    I will now retreat into a lengthy period of atonement for a) living in a world where someone has made a Clarence Thomas porno, and b) knowing the title of said porno. I wish things were different. I really do.

    • DixieWrecked

      I can't find a reference to it, so less atonement for you. Or more atonement, since you imagined it.

    • Gorillionaire

      You are correct. None other than Sean Michaels portrays the great SCOTUS icon. I would tell you some of the snappy dialogue but I probably watched it with the sound off.

  • Extemporanus

    To everyone who read my comment about this last night and completely emptied their stomach of its contents before reading about it again this morning, I have but one thing to say:

    You're welcome.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Just who does Lillian McEwen think she is, Jessica Cutler?

    Without all the drugs, of course…

  • SorosBot

    Thomas has the following response to this book: “”.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "coffee-bean velvet covered cement"

    Isn't that the last album by Suzanne Vega?

  • Buckminster

    "coffee bean…velvet covered cement?"
    This is why most people should forget about erotic writing. They simply suck at it.

  • ttommyunger

    He may not be speaking much, but I know what he's thinking: "I have a lifetime appointment, motherfuckers, suck on that!"

  • Doktor Avalanche

    Speaks quietly and carries a big stick.

  • DaSandman

    So is that why Ginny is so bat shit crazy. She's being slowly fucked to death by Justice Coffee Bean…

    • GOPCrusher

      The Hung Judge?

  • fuflans

    that lead-in header should read:

    'why you should only the title of this post and never ever read the content.'

  • Limeylizzie

    I am a screaming, laughing upfisting mess. Thanks Wonketteers.

  • walterhwhite

    Thomas' body is like "coffee-bean velvet covered cement"

    I think she got his body confused with his brain.

  • JackDempsey1

    Kudos to Judge Thomas and his performance, which has been positively likened to "National Treasure."
    This contrasts nicely to the movie title that the describes the typical sexual performance of his fellow male Americans, "The Fast and the Furious."

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    However randy he may be, he's not much fun at a gang bang. While the other 8 dudes go to town, his willie just sits there in flaccid quietude.

  • tessiee

    Now all we need is for the audio version of the book, to be read in a "Love Master"/Barry White type voice.

    • BornInATrailer

      If only Isaac Hayes were still around.

  • PalinPussyPower

    Pics or it didn't happen, lady. Also too, you'll be hearing from Ginny any minute now.

    • SorosBot

      Any day now? Nah, she'll be getting an angry drunk dial from Ginny in about twenty years.

  • tessiee

    Jeez, and I thought I was grossed out before?

  • natoslug

    There must be a simpler way to write that he was highly toxic to be around — like a bag of cement, and hung like a cofee bean — small, misshapen and best if tossed in a grinder. Oh wait, there it is.

  • Weenus299

    Thanks. Of all the things I pick to read on my lunch break …

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Needz moar nothing!

  • Passionphd

    Jurisimprudence?

    Or perhaps an educational video, "A SCOTUS guide to discharging your caseload"

  • __kth__

    "cement" might be a mis-transcription

    • Gleem_McShineys

      GAH! DO NOT SOUND IT OUT!

  • PubOption

    The third person would have to be Scalia. Otherwise Thomas wouldn't know what he is supposed to do.

    • Gorillionaire

      A+

  • Extemporanus

    Twelve Angry Inches

    Oral Arguments

    The Juror's Box

    The Legal Anal-ist

    Brown-Eye Object

    The Peephole's Court

    Legally Boned

    The Verdick

    Judge Judy

    Oh wait, one more:

    Just Ass Clarence Thomas

  • Ducksworthy

    Is there buttsecks? I'm not buying this unless there's buttsecks.

  • Ducksworthy

    Where's the White Citizens Council when you want them?

  • Rotundo_

    I don't know-since he is usually quiet and decorous about things he may be quite the yodeler when in flagrante. He might not have much to say on the bench, but in the sack, he probably fires off some shit that would even shock our not too delicate sensibilities.
    Eww.

    • XOhioan

      Shut up. You just ruined yodeling for me.

  • ChessieNefercat

    This reminds me of a story a co-worker told me about really expensive coffee. Hmm, yes, yes, the google confirms that the priciest coffee available is made from beans pooped out by weasel-like animals called civet cats.

    Poop, coffee beans, weasel-like, all the essential elements of a Clarence Thomas sex story.

  • peaceocrap

    Give it 18 years…

  • lulzmonger

    That which has been read can never be unread.
    Also, ICK.

  • PublicLuxury

    I'm going back under my bed! It is so much less scary there.

  • PublicLuxury

    Makes me hungry.

    Chocolate covered cum filled . . . coffee? cookie? Ah hell, you decide.

  • RIGHTYOURSELF

    The anagram of 'Clarence Thomas' is 'chancre to males'.

  • tartanon

    I love romance stories that are set in D.C.

  • tartanon

    Actually, I'm waiting for Ginny's new book.

  • Blendergoathead

    Looking back at today's trauma, I'm going to try to put a positive spin on this…

    … it could've been worse. It could've been Scalia.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    This is by far the most disgusting, whimper-inducing, makes-me-want-to-claw-my-eyes-out thread we've had on Wonkette in a long time. Well done, all.

  • MiniMencken

    And all these years I believed all of the Kyle Onstott novels were pure fantasy!

  • Negropolis

    I'm dying, here. BWAHAHAHA!

  • XOhioan

    I'm thinking about other Justices in a whole new way:
    cappuccino naugahyde-covered drywall
    marshmallow velour-covered fibrofil
    banana dupioni-covered synthetic down

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    … describing his body brain as “a coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.”