Clarence Thomas’ Heaving Body In the Heat of Passion, Described

by Jack Stuef

Quickcrete.Congratulations to Lillian McEwen, that woman who was finally able to overcome years of terrible embarrassment about having sex with Clarence Thomas to write a book about it. D.C. Unmasked & Undressed is the title of this newly released memoir, because the people who write tell-all memoirs are weirdly terrible at this part of marketing. Obviously this book should be entitled What Clarence Thomas’ Dick Looks Like and How He Uses It, as that’s the only reason why anyone would buy it. Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts? Like “coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.” What?

McEwen gushes over Thomas’ prowess and “fantasy [package],” describing his body as “coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.”

He was a “national treasure,” she said, one she shared with other women in ménages à trois and in a voyeuristic pleasure palace. And she described her then-lover as being “easily aroused,” with a “strong interest in pornography.”

Some day we will have to get Ruth Bader Ginsburg drunk and ask her if the number of boners he has popped on the bench is greater than the number of words he has spoken from it. And then we will have to kill ourselves, because why are we thinking about Clarence Thomas’ boner? This is all gross. [AFRO]

 
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{ 162 comments }

nounverb911 March 8, 2011 at 10:57 am

"He was a “national treasure,” "
Can we put him on permanent display in the Smithsonian?

OneDollarJuana March 8, 2011 at 11:20 am

Apparently we'll need to put a bit of extra space between his crotch and the glass.

DashboardBuddha March 8, 2011 at 11:31 am

Can't we just bury him?

genxr March 8, 2011 at 11:40 am

Plaster Caster rules Bader Town!

mrblifil March 8, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Like the taxidermy scene from Planet of the Apes?

jim89048 March 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm

As long as we get to refer to him in the past tense, I'm good with it.

Numbat_Dundee March 8, 2011 at 4:02 pm

There is a precedent for this. Just google image "Rasputin" if you dare.

nounverb911 March 8, 2011 at 10:58 am

"He was a national treasure, "
Can we get Nick Cage to steal him for us?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 8, 2011 at 11:14 am

Can we bury him and lose the map?

Gratuitous World March 8, 2011 at 11:19 am

national treasure – just like the Iowa 80 truck stop

ifthethunderdontgetya March 8, 2011 at 10:59 am

…with a “strong interest in pornography.”

Not to mention, thinking same goes better with Coke™.

Some day we will have to get Ruth Bader Ginsburg drunk and ask her if the number of boners he has popped on the bench is greater than the number of words he has spoken from it.

I'm thinking of a number greater than zero…
~

OneDollarJuana March 8, 2011 at 11:22 am

How about ∞?

Texan_Bulldog March 8, 2011 at 10:59 am

Wow! We thought Ginny was pissed at Anita Hill. Me thinks Lillian is going to be getting more than a phone call from Ginny…maybe a horse head or severed body part.

"…her then-lover as being “easily aroused,” with a “strong interest in pornography.” Guess that's how he's managed to stay married to Ginny for so long.

DoktorZoom March 8, 2011 at 11:08 am

Has Ross Douthat been informed of this outrage?

widestanceroman March 8, 2011 at 11:23 am

Best fapping he'll do all year.

tessiee March 8, 2011 at 1:04 pm

*dies*

Lascauxcaveman March 8, 2011 at 11:08 am

Ewww and ewwwwwer.

GuyClinch March 8, 2011 at 10:59 am

Vomit cleanup on Aisle My Desk!

CrankyLttlCamperette March 8, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Seriously. Screw you, Jack. It's Mardi Gras. I'm supposed to be out there consuming my weight in pancakes and bourbon and now all I wanna do is puke and then roll into the fetal position. You couldn't have waited one day? ONE DAY? This would have made the Ash Wednesday fasting so much easier…

FNMA March 8, 2011 at 11:00 am

"Heaving"?
Well, now I am.

GuyClinch March 8, 2011 at 11:01 am

"Strong interest in pornography". Finally, something wonketteers and Clarence have in common!

SorosBot March 8, 2011 at 11:14 am

Um, haven't we known this since the Long Dong Silver hearings?

jqheywood March 8, 2011 at 11:41 am

Of course he has a strong interest in pornography.… How can he know it when he sees it if he hasn't seen it all?

freakishlywrong March 8, 2011 at 11:01 am

Long dong velve…ugh. Up comes my breakfast.

ablington March 8, 2011 at 11:01 am

Awww, my eyeballs just pushed themselves out of their skull sockets and rolled at top speed toward the paper shredder. Come back, eyeballs, come back! There's more Clarence Thomas porn to read!!

SheriffRoscoe March 8, 2011 at 11:02 am

Thomas' body is like "coffee-bean velvet covered cement"

Butta-face.

MozakiBlocks March 8, 2011 at 11:02 am

It's currently taking every ounce of self-control I have not to begin projectile vomiting.

I think I need to lie down.

Captain_Quark March 8, 2011 at 11:03 am

Velvet-covered cement: now there's a fetish for you. Although Velveeta-covered cement is probably even weirder.

TanzbodenKoenig March 8, 2011 at 11:03 am

DO NOT WANT

baconzgood March 8, 2011 at 11:05 am

"Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts?"

Why do you dislike us so much Jack?

SheriffRoscoe March 8, 2011 at 11:06 am

Sheesh….why not just say he's like "black as the ace of spades" covered cement?

XOhioan March 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Maybe she likes coffee.

Troubledog March 8, 2011 at 11:06 am

In this thread: Player haters.

jqheywood March 8, 2011 at 11:43 am

Playa hatas

Fixed.

DoktorZoom March 8, 2011 at 11:06 am

Ummm….Yeah. You know, there are just some places the imagination doesn't need to go.

NorbertsRevenge March 8, 2011 at 11:06 am

The long, silent type.

widestanceroman March 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

Chris Brown-like, but a stronger roast.

walstib March 8, 2011 at 11:07 am

You bastards.

BarackMyWorld March 8, 2011 at 11:07 am

I want Thomas off the court as much as anyone, but proving perjury at this point isn't worth it. You might also be opening the doors to reliving the Lewinski scandal (which conservatives will argue was EXACTLY LIKE the Thomas/Hill scandal).

DoktorZoom March 8, 2011 at 11:12 am

But worse, because it was consensual and involved libruls.

Preferred Customer March 8, 2011 at 11:18 am

You know, until I read this thread, I used to think that there was nothing in the world I wanted to think about less than Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Boy, was I wrong.

freakishlywrong March 8, 2011 at 11:08 am

I'd have preferred if her sex history with Clarence had been titled; Unknown & Unknown

walterhwhite March 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm

"Dumb and Dumber"?

widestanceroman March 8, 2011 at 11:09 am

I thought her book was called, 'Blown and Unblown.' [thanks, I'll be here all week, etc.]

That's one hell of a phrase, velvet-covered cement, but we've all seen his face before.

What I want to know is if he's as quiet in bed as he is at work.

chickensmack March 8, 2011 at 11:09 am

Easily aroused? What the fuck makes him so special?

Texan_Bulldog March 8, 2011 at 11:23 am

That made me laugh out loud, chickensmack.

chickensmack March 8, 2011 at 11:29 am

That would be like Bristol Palin writing a book that says, "Sex causes babies."

Texan_Bulldog March 8, 2011 at 11:34 am

I'm not totally convinced Bristol knows what causes babies with her mom constantly babbling about gifts from Jesus, etc. She probably just thinks she needs to stay away from spicy food or some stork knocked her up immaculately in her sleep.

Negropolis March 9, 2011 at 1:34 am

I was thinking the same thing. And "a strong interest in pornography"? Is there any other kind of interest if you're in to pornography?

SheriffRoscoe March 8, 2011 at 11:09 am

Alt-text FTW!!!!

Come here a minute March 8, 2011 at 11:10 am

coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.

What the fuck is "yada yada yada"-ed out by the ellipsis?

Never mind, I'm sure I don't want to know.

Crank_Tango March 8, 2011 at 11:39 am

…hulls mixed with dogshit and wet…

chickensmack March 8, 2011 at 11:41 am

I wonder if the cement reference means that she got "pile-drived" or "jackhammered."

tessiee March 8, 2011 at 1:08 pm

…enema while lying on…

Barbara_i March 8, 2011 at 11:10 am

Yuck, "coffee bean" I need a Silkwood shower now and a latte of brain bleach to get this image out of my head.

drrty_martini March 8, 2011 at 11:11 am

Read it? Of course not! Greer: you know what you have to do.

HempDogbane March 8, 2011 at 11:11 am

I'll probably just wait for Scalia to review it and read that.

DoktorZoom March 8, 2011 at 11:33 am

I'm looking forward to Nina Totenberg's re-creation of pivotal scenes.

widestanceroman March 8, 2011 at 11:56 am

If she plays both parts, then I want to see it, too.

MinAgain March 8, 2011 at 11:12 am

Geez, Jack. I just ate.

SorosBot March 8, 2011 at 11:13 am

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew….

trashbot March 8, 2011 at 11:32 am

almost my exact thoughts….. I was thinking eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww

Terry March 8, 2011 at 11:14 am

I think McEwan and Ginny Thomas need to appear together on Montel to discuss this whole matter.

Lascauxcaveman March 8, 2011 at 11:14 am

Or ask questions of the participants.

DoktorZoom March 8, 2011 at 11:15 am

Far too much about Clarence Thomas's John Thomas

Gratuitous World March 8, 2011 at 11:15 am

i just vomited processed coffee beans

mumbly_joe March 8, 2011 at 11:17 am

The latest vibrator is Clarence Thomas.

Hatrabbit March 8, 2011 at 11:17 am

Thanks Wonkette. If anyone needs me I'll be in the kitchen, scrubbing my brain with steel wool.

Jason_inthe_Peg March 8, 2011 at 11:18 am

Pictures or it didn't happen?

V572625694 March 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

In this case, no. So ruleth the Supreme Court.

MozakiBlocks March 8, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Not only no, but HELL NO!

Monsieur_Grumpe March 8, 2011 at 11:18 am

Triple icky.

The_Great_Gazoo March 8, 2011 at 11:19 am

I'm not mad at him. For this, at any rate.

cheetojeebus March 8, 2011 at 11:19 am

That sound you hear is me throwing up through my eyes.

BklynIlluminati March 8, 2011 at 11:20 am

Please pass brain bleach.

baconzgood March 8, 2011 at 11:21 am

"…If I run out of vomit can I borrow some of yours"

-Tom Servo-

GuyClinch March 8, 2011 at 11:22 am

"Dissent of a Woman"?

DashboardBuddha March 8, 2011 at 11:34 am

120 Days of Clarance

DoktorZoom March 8, 2011 at 11:24 am

That reminds me! Who wants chowder?

LabRodent March 8, 2011 at 11:24 am

Really! I'll be in the Lab drinking random beakers of foamy shit until i get that image out of my head.

CapeClod March 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

You can fight all these unwanted images by imagining you are covering Thomas with cement, laying velvet over it and standing on the spot while drinking a cup of coffee.

And if anyone prints a porno tell-all about Newt Gingrich, I will tell you up front that WE DO NOT WANT!!!

mavenmaven March 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

I think a conservative think tank conference co-hosted by Thomas and Ross Douthat is in order. Moderated by Bristol Palin.

XOhioan March 9, 2011 at 1:37 am

You forgot J-Lo

JoeBiteme March 8, 2011 at 11:26 am

It's stories like this that make me want to cut myself…

OneDollarJuana March 8, 2011 at 11:26 am

"Coffee bean"? What would Juan Valdez say?

mrblifil March 8, 2011 at 1:05 pm

He'd be too busy savoring the steaming cup to notice…

tessiee March 8, 2011 at 1:13 pm

"Ai yi yi! Que porca! No me gusta!"

Negropolis March 9, 2011 at 1:39 am

WWJD, what would Juan do?

What would he say? Well "Would you like to see a donkey show?"

donner_froh March 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

The phone message that Ginny Thomas leaves for Lillian McEwen will be epic.

chickensmack March 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

Oh Jesus. I just figured it out. The Old Spice Guy is the new Clarence Thomas.

tessiee March 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm

"Look at the other justices. Now back to me."

[small voice]
I'm sorry, Old Spice Guy. I'm really sorry. Call me.

hagajim March 8, 2011 at 11:28 am

Thanks Jack…if anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom passing some coffee bean velvet colored cement….or what I like to call a Clarence.

DashboardBuddha March 8, 2011 at 11:37 am

Double thanks, actually. My doctor wants me to take a med called Maloxicam for my back. One of the side effects is "excrement like ground coffee". The "coffee bean velvet colored cement" comment pushed me back to the ibuprofin/ice side of the field.

V572625694 March 8, 2011 at 11:28 am

"…fantasy [package]"?

Who can supply the bracketed elision?

Oblios_Cap March 8, 2011 at 11:34 am

you'll have to buy the book.

MinAgain March 8, 2011 at 11:29 am

You know what's wrong with that picture of Justice Thomas? The eyes don't follow you around the room.

Oblios_Cap March 8, 2011 at 11:29 am

Ms. McEwen also said that things got bad between them when Clarence stopped drinking. Nothing good ever comes from stopping drinking.

Just look at GWB.

DoktorZoom March 8, 2011 at 11:31 am

Long Dong Thomas: Legally Debriefed

Deep Injunction

Amicus Curiae Benefactum (Friend of the Court With Benefits)

I am Curious (Coffee Bean)

If It Pleasures The Court

GuyClinch March 8, 2011 at 11:39 am

"If It Pleasures the Court"

Have you any idea how many internal organs I just ruptured trying not to alarm the whole quiet office with quaking laughter? Anyhow, WIN

MozakiBlocks March 8, 2011 at 4:52 pm

The only upside to being unemployed is reading Wonkette in the privacy of my own home and laughing like a baboon on a three day nitrous oxide bender.

tessiee March 8, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Um… bang that gavel… um… and you fuckin girls thought my gavel was big…
I got nothin' here.

OC_Surf_Serf March 8, 2011 at 11:35 am

AFRO? Well one media outlet not controlled by us joos…

doloras March 8, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Apart from Sammy Davis Jr?

Blendergoathead March 8, 2011 at 11:38 am

Oh, for fuck's sake. Jack, was this really necessary? Those of us on the west coast are barely awake (and slightly hung over), and you throw this in our faces? Jesus.

Gopherit March 8, 2011 at 11:40 am

A national treasure? Maybe we can put his dick on the other end of the reflecting pool…..right in front of Honest Abe…..just looking down, confounded on the two phallic symbols of our great country.

Jerri March 8, 2011 at 11:40 am

Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts?

Bleh. You couldn't have waited to post this until after International Women's Day?

GregComlish March 8, 2011 at 11:41 am

"coffee-bean velvet covered cement" is the new long dong silver

BornInATrailer March 8, 2011 at 11:41 am

Who knew I'd be pining for those screechy hateful Muslim protest videos so quickly?

jus_wonderin March 8, 2011 at 11:49 am

Or anything about a Palin.

tessiee March 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Wait two minutes.

undeterredbyreality March 8, 2011 at 11:41 am

tg;cr

(too gross; couldn't read)

Ramon_X March 8, 2011 at 11:42 am

will this one get posted?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 8, 2011 at 11:43 am

…whatever else they had in bed…
fixed

Preferred Customer March 8, 2011 at 11:47 am

I believe that there already is one, actually. I think it is called Dark Justice. I cannot google this to confirm, because I do not want to be fired instantaneously.

I will now retreat into a lengthy period of atonement for a) living in a world where someone has made a Clarence Thomas porno, and b) knowing the title of said porno. I wish things were different. I really do.

DixieWrecked March 8, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I can't find a reference to it, so less atonement for you. Or more atonement, since you imagined it.

Gorillionaire March 8, 2011 at 2:03 pm

You are correct. None other than Sean Michaels portrays the great SCOTUS icon. I would tell you some of the snappy dialogue but I probably watched it with the sound off.

Extemporanus March 8, 2011 at 11:50 am

To everyone who read my comment about this last night and completely emptied their stomach of its contents before reading about it again this morning, I have but one thing to say:

You're welcome.

Tundra Grifter March 8, 2011 at 11:52 am

Just who does Lillian McEwen think she is, Jessica Cutler?

Without all the drugs, of course…

SorosBot March 8, 2011 at 11:52 am

Thomas has the following response to this book: “”.

randcoolcatdaddy March 8, 2011 at 12:03 pm

"coffee-bean velvet covered cement"

Isn't that the last album by Suzanne Vega?

Buckminster March 8, 2011 at 12:10 pm

"coffee bean…velvet covered cement?"
This is why most people should forget about erotic writing. They simply suck at it.

ttommyunger March 8, 2011 at 12:10 pm

He may not be speaking much, but I know what he's thinking: "I have a lifetime appointment, motherfuckers, suck on that!"

Doktor Avalanche March 8, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Speaks quietly and carries a big stick.

DaSandman March 8, 2011 at 12:16 pm

So is that why Ginny is so bat shit crazy. She's being slowly fucked to death by Justice Coffee Bean…

GOPCrusher March 8, 2011 at 2:19 pm

The Hung Judge?

fuflans March 8, 2011 at 12:19 pm

that lead-in header should read:

'why you should only the title of this post and never ever read the content.'

Limeylizzie March 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I am a screaming, laughing upfisting mess. Thanks Wonketteers.

walterhwhite March 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Thomas' body is like "coffee-bean velvet covered cement"

I think she got his body confused with his brain.

JackDempsey1 March 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Kudos to Judge Thomas and his performance, which has been positively likened to "National Treasure."
This contrasts nicely to the movie title that the describes the typical sexual performance of his fellow male Americans, "The Fast and the Furious."

mrblifil March 8, 2011 at 1:03 pm

However randy he may be, he's not much fun at a gang bang. While the other 8 dudes go to town, his willie just sits there in flaccid quietude.

tessiee March 8, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Now all we need is for the audio version of the book, to be read in a "Love Master"/Barry White type voice.

BornInATrailer March 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

If only Isaac Hayes were still around.

PalinPussyPower March 8, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Pics or it didn't happen, lady. Also too, you'll be hearing from Ginny any minute now.

SorosBot March 8, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Any day now? Nah, she'll be getting an angry drunk dial from Ginny in about twenty years.

tessiee March 8, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Jeez, and I thought I was grossed out before?

natoslug March 8, 2011 at 1:11 pm

There must be a simpler way to write that he was highly toxic to be around — like a bag of cement, and hung like a cofee bean — small, misshapen and best if tossed in a grinder. Oh wait, there it is.

Weenus299 March 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Thanks. Of all the things I pick to read on my lunch break …

FlownOver March 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Needz moar nothing!

Passionphd March 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Jurisimprudence?

Or perhaps an educational video, "A SCOTUS guide to discharging your caseload"

__kth__ March 8, 2011 at 1:48 pm

"cement" might be a mis-transcription

Gleem_McShineys March 8, 2011 at 3:48 pm

GAH! DO NOT SOUND IT OUT!

PubOption March 8, 2011 at 1:53 pm

The third person would have to be Scalia. Otherwise Thomas wouldn't know what he is supposed to do.

Gorillionaire March 8, 2011 at 2:04 pm

A+

Extemporanus March 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Twelve Angry Inches

Oral Arguments

The Juror's Box

The Legal Anal-ist

Brown-Eye Object

The Peephole's Court

Legally Boned

The Verdick

Judge Judy

Oh wait, one more:

Just Ass Clarence Thomas

Ducksworthy March 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Is there buttsecks? I'm not buying this unless there's buttsecks.

Ducksworthy March 8, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Where's the White Citizens Council when you want them?

Rotundo_ March 8, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I don't know-since he is usually quiet and decorous about things he may be quite the yodeler when in flagrante. He might not have much to say on the bench, but in the sack, he probably fires off some shit that would even shock our not too delicate sensibilities.
Eww.

XOhioan March 9, 2011 at 1:32 am

Shut up. You just ruined yodeling for me.

ChessieNefercat March 8, 2011 at 5:57 pm

This reminds me of a story a co-worker told me about really expensive coffee. Hmm, yes, yes, the google confirms that the priciest coffee available is made from beans pooped out by weasel-like animals called civet cats.

Poop, coffee beans, weasel-like, all the essential elements of a Clarence Thomas sex story.

peaceocrap March 8, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Give it 18 years…

lulzmonger March 8, 2011 at 7:53 pm

That which has been read can never be unread.
Also, ICK.

PublicLuxury March 8, 2011 at 8:14 pm

I'm going back under my bed! It is so much less scary there.

PublicLuxury March 8, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Makes me hungry.

Chocolate covered cum filled . . . coffee? cookie? Ah hell, you decide.

RIGHTYOURSELF March 8, 2011 at 8:36 pm

The anagram of 'Clarence Thomas' is 'chancre to males'.

tartanon March 8, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I love romance stories that are set in D.C.

tartanon March 8, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Actually, I'm waiting for Ginny's new book.

Blendergoathead March 8, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Looking back at today's trauma, I'm going to try to put a positive spin on this…

… it could've been worse. It could've been Scalia.

imissopus March 9, 2011 at 12:22 am

This is by far the most disgusting, whimper-inducing, makes-me-want-to-claw-my-eyes-out thread we've had on Wonkette in a long time. Well done, all.

MiniMencken March 9, 2011 at 12:38 am

And all these years I believed all of the Kyle Onstott novels were pure fantasy!

Negropolis March 9, 2011 at 1:38 am

I'm dying, here. BWAHAHAHA!

XOhioan March 9, 2011 at 1:50 am

I'm thinking about other Justices in a whole new way:
cappuccino naugahyde-covered drywall
marshmallow velour-covered fibrofil
banana dupioni-covered synthetic down

Worthly Wokette Skum March 9, 2011 at 2:14 pm

… describing his body brain as “a coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.”

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