Clarence Thomas’ Heaving Body In the Heat of Passion, Described

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Quickcrete.Congratulations to Lillian McEwen, that woman who was finally able to overcome years of terrible embarrassment about having sex with Clarence Thomas to write a book about it. D.C. Unmasked & Undressed is the title of this newly released memoir, because the people who write tell-all memoirs are weirdly terrible at this part of marketing. Obviously this book should be entitled What Clarence Thomas’ Dick Looks Like and How He Uses It, as that’s the only reason why anyone would buy it. Anyway, what does death-eyed Clarence Thomas’ writhing frame look like when it’s sweating and releasing other gross fluids all over your poor, defenseless lady parts? Like “coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.” What?

McEwen gushes over Thomas’ prowess and “fantasy [package],” describing his body as “coffee-bean … velvet-covered cement.”

He was a “national treasure,” she said, one she shared with other women in ménages à trois and in a voyeuristic pleasure palace. And she described her then-lover as being “easily aroused,” with a “strong interest in pornography.”

Some day we will have to get Ruth Bader Ginsburg drunk and ask her if the number of boners he has popped on the bench is greater than the number of words he has spoken from it. And then we will have to kill ourselves, because why are we thinking about Clarence Thomas’ boner? This is all gross. [AFRO]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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