the time has come

DC’s Other Christmas: It’s State of the Union Time

The State of the Union address is tonight! Hooray! It’s been a whole year since Obama screamed TAXCUTSTAXCUTSTAXCUTS and swore that we could all live in bipartisan glory. But this spectacle remains a favorite of Washingtonians who love any excuse to drink, talk politics and sound smarter than their friends. The platters have been ordered from Whole Foods, the rules have been set for the drinking game (THAT WAS CIVIL! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT!), a Kennedy relative recently passed away: it’s State of the Union time.

Just as our elected officials will spend tonight playing patty-cake with their new friends, so too can you watch the speech sitting next to the person you hate, who shares nothing of your values, and whom you’ll dump after recess anyway, or not. We do not care! Here are our SOTU watch party Do’s and don’ts (as well as a list of bars where you can go to watch the magic happen).

DO:

  • …Have multiple bottles of the shittiest liquor you can find in your possession for the obligatory State of the Union drinking game (shots for choice words like “triangulation,” “competitive,” and “compromise,” and a bonus shot if Obama says something that could be interpreted as being left of center).
  • …. Cheer on the black man (This is the best way to prove that you are not racist and love your country).
  • …. Spend most of your viewing analyzing who’s sitting in the cool section, who’s in the emo section, and who’s with the nerds.
  • …. Call out every person whose name you know, and possibly even fudge one or two, just to go the extra mile toward impressing your friends, who are probably too busy figuring out if the speech was made in China to care about who is sitting by whom.
  • … Swear that you will one day do whatever it takes — save a life, be trapped underground — to get a front row seat at the State of the Union.
  • … Post updates on Facebook and tweet CONSTANTLY during his speech, being sure to use especially creative and witty SOTU-themed hashtags (#Obamasaidsomethingthatithinkiliked). There are no prizes for good hashtags.

DON’T:

  • … Criticize the media analysis — the experts are always right (see also: war in Iraq, financial meltdown).
  • … Wonder what Keith Olbermann would have to say about the speech. You’ll find out in 5 months, anyway.
  • …. Don’t fall asleep (drinking game fail).
  • … Don’t look directly at John Boehner. Doing so may cause you to sob, turn orange, confuse fact and opinion, think Obama sounds like a liberal and take unearned bonus shots.  That is CHEATING.

Tonight, Ventnor’s and Local 16 and Busboys and Poets and Redline and Black Finn are hosting State of the Union watch parties. Lounge 201, the newly remodeled Bullfeathers, the Hawk ‘n’ Dove and Pour House are all also showing the speech and offering drink specials.

Poop over it all, have fun, be safe and don’t drink too much: who knows if Obamacare covers State of the Union drinking game-inflicted alcohol poising.

About the author

Arielle Fleisher is the Wonkabout. She roams D.C. seeking tasty foods, cheap drinks, whole-pig BBQs, think tank events, street fairs and other local horrors.

View all articles by Arielle Fleisher

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • jus_wonderin

    That photo is screamin' for a Blingee

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    DRINK!!!111!
    ~

  • SorosBot

    But posting to Facebook (or Twitter for those who use it) constantly would take away valuable Wonkette commenting time.

  • smokefilledroommate

    I think I'm getting hopenotized. Or more realistically, centritized.

  • PocketsTheClown

    Im painting my whole self orange for this. And I mean it.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Halloween makeup was dirt cheap in December I grabbed 10 pirate kits with eye-patches for 50 cents each. Now, if needs be, I can have 10 pirates ready at a moments notice but most likely will break them out the next time I have a party involving rum.

  • GortRay

    I just hope that when some teatard jumps up and yells "liar" the Prez runs up into the bleachers and beats the guy like a gong.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Now that would be must-see tv.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      He should just calmly walk up to him, smack him and challenge him to a duel.

      • DoktorZoom

        We certainly DO need to get back to the kind of civility we had in the early days of the Republic.

        Also, bear-baiting.

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes especially a certain teatard who's a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, South Carolina chapter. A 'tard with a passion for holdin' guns in front of camera's and getting orange faced and angry anytime someone talks about healthcare people of color would have access to; especially the mental health portion of it (a lot of conservatives are terrified of and hate psychology, too easy?). A 'tard with a real penchant for innapropriate outbursts who even manages to embarass the shameless GOP and who's entire contribution to politics has consisted of insisting we found weapons in Iraq and shouting "you Lie" at President Obama (ignore the irony here, he can't help it really). Yes, Obama v. Joe Wilson, Round 1: the tall skinny black guy with big ears and a funny name versus the short, rednecked confederate teabagger…who wins, which round and how? I'm takin' bets here, people. (winner faces John Boehner in a drink-off, Russian rules).

  • bitchincamaro2

    Alcohol poisoning is a pre-existing condition.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      You knew this job was dangerous when you took it.

      • WriteyWriterton

        This liver will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

  • Crank_Tango

    [SLOW CLAP]

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      Tinkerbell spent the last two years drinking herself to death, so don't bother.
      ~

  • DashboardBuddha

    I've already won the evening. I'm not watching it.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Ditto from this precinct, DB. All the standing and clapping and sitting and scowling gives me a bored.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I will be drinking anytime the president says "civility" or "fiscal responsibility" and doubling that when either of the GOP rebutters calls President Obama a nazi for wanting to raise taxes.

    • gef05

      *sniff* It's been nice knowing you, Wookies.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Wookies

      1321-2011.

    • WriteyWriterton

      I know people to whom you can donate your not-completely-soaked organs.

  • EdFlintstone

    "Have multiple bottles of the shittiest liquor you can find in your possession", Arielle this is post-Bush America, shitty liquor is all we can afford.

    • Crank_Tango

      and "multiple bottles"? what is this, a wedding?

      • EdFlintstone

        What's a good mixer with hairspray?

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Pomegranate juice. I'm sorry, "red" Kool-Aid.

          • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

            A little cherry Kool-aid mix actually is my secret ingredient for sangria, I learned it from a Spanish chick.

          • GortRay

            "Green Goddamn" – dump a bag of lime Koolaid directly into a bottle of Popov. Take a sip. Goddamn!

        • WriteyWriterton

          WD-40.

  • Come here a minute

    HINT — you can also celebrate Robert Burns' two hundred twenty-second birthday with something from Scotland. But what? Hmmm….so hard to come up with something.

    • Crank_Tango

      tape? something deepfried, like deep-fried tape?

    • gef05

      You could put some tatties and neaps in a blender for a few minutes.

    • DoktorZoom

      I found this on Gany…ganymede..

      What is it?

      It's…uh…it's green

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    You've declared war on DC’s Other Christmas by not wishing me a happy Michelle Bachmann rebuttal speech. I'm miffed.

    • HedonismBot

      Speaking of, WTF is up with the Tea.O.P. getting TWO (count 'em) rebuttal speeches? I guess on the off chance Paul Ryan says something that can possibly be mistaken for a rational statement or compassionate sentiment, Crazy Eyes Bachmann can be there to assure the teabaggers he didn't really mean it?
      I must have been absent the day My Wonkette covered this topic in class (seriously, this website is my main source of news these days. All the others are just too damned depressing. Wonkette is depressing too, given the subject matter, but the biting sarcasm helps to take the edge off.)

  • voodooeconomics

    don't seem able to post anything after looking at that picture for a long time..am a bit confused right now, sleepy even.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I'm drinking Glenmorangie in celebration of the new speaker.

    • PocketsTheClown

      Well done sir. Socialist fist up for you.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Oh, this is a good 'un.

  • finallyhappy

    I saw a large group of possibly 14 year olds wearing their March for Life t-shirts at the Old Post Office today. I wanted to go over ad hand out little hangars on pins but didn't have any to give out.

  • http://jdsmithwriter.blogspot.com Smitros

    Does anyone know if/where a tag cloud of the SOTU text will be available? I think "jobs" will be the word, and not THAT kind.

  • Beetagger

    Good thing I stocked up on 4 Loco.

    • HedonismBot

      They still sell that shit? I thought they stopped making it after some frat boys' hearts exploded.

  • jim89048
    • DoktorZoom

      "Both apparently died from a single gunshot. Police would not elaborate the circumstances of the deaths, but said they recovered a 9 mm handgun."

      OK, is that one gunshot each, or an incredible bit of trick shooting for a murder-suicide?

      • jim89048

        I hope it was a Glock 19, they need a little brand-boosting after the failure in AZ.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Why did Hillary want this woman & her husband dead?

      Aguasclaras land-deal gone bad?

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    That is why you give everyone their own bottle to chug from and you water down yours before it starts. That is how you win, right?

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    It was actually from too much love.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMmk91Uxh78

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    It was actually from too much love.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMmk91Uxh78

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I'm sorry Arielle, but the bonus shot comments will put me in the hospital.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    SOTU watch parties? You Washingtonians have all the fun.

  • Steverino247

    I think I'm going to play WoW and level up an alt instead of watchinghis bullshit dog-and-pony show. I mean, hell, I'm only an hour away from Tijuana if I wanted to see a donkey get fucked.

  • Blendergoathead

    Side bets on how many SCOTUS judges show up, and of those who do, how many mouth the words, "fuck you and your bipartisanship, you monkey" sometime during the speech.

    And who Bachmann makes out with. Also.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I don't drink to excess but I am thinking of raping someone with my mouth, assuming Obama's speech doesn't leave us all with bleeding assholes.

  • x111e7thst

    Nights like tonight make me regret my youthful decision to give up heroin.

  • Beanball

    Never having watched a SOTU speech, I'm not about to start now. But! mere moments ago my other computer finished downloading a no doubt highly illegal copy of the critically acclaimed movie "The King's Speech."

    This I will watch forthwith. Sober.

    C U Later.

  • jetjaguar

    Time to break out the SPECIAL EDITION white lightning!

  • quatrevingt4

    I hate Piers Morgan with the fire of a thousand suns.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Busboys n' Poets? The difference being..?

  • WriteyWriterton

    I think it might be – might be – a Sirens of Titan reference, but I'm not betting the ranch on it, or the ranch dressing.