THE TIME HAS COME  5:29 pm January 25, 2011

DC’s Other Christmas: It’s State of the Union Time

by Arielle Fleisher

The State of the Union address is tonight! Hooray! It’s been a whole year since Obama screamed TAXCUTSTAXCUTSTAXCUTS and swore that we could all live in bipartisan glory. But this spectacle remains a favorite of Washingtonians who love any excuse to drink, talk politics and sound smarter than their friends. The platters have been ordered from Whole Foods, the rules have been set for the drinking game (THAT WAS CIVIL! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT!), a Kennedy relative recently passed away: it’s State of the Union time.

Just as our elected officials will spend tonight playing patty-cake with their new friends, so too can you watch the speech sitting next to the person you hate, who shares nothing of your values, and whom you’ll dump after recess anyway, or not. We do not care! Here are our SOTU watch party Do’s and don’ts (as well as a list of bars where you can go to watch the magic happen).

DO:

  • …Have multiple bottles of the shittiest liquor you can find in your possession for the obligatory State of the Union drinking game (shots for choice words like “triangulation,” “competitive,” and “compromise,” and a bonus shot if Obama says something that could be interpreted as being left of center).
  • …. Cheer on the black man (This is the best way to prove that you are not racist and love your country).
  • …. Spend most of your viewing analyzing who’s sitting in the cool section, who’s in the emo section, and who’s with the nerds.
  • …. Call out every person whose name you know, and possibly even fudge one or two, just to go the extra mile toward impressing your friends, who are probably too busy figuring out if the speech was made in China to care about who is sitting by whom.
  • … Swear that you will one day do whatever it takes — save a life, be trapped underground — to get a front row seat at the State of the Union.
  • … Post updates on Facebook and tweet CONSTANTLY during his speech, being sure to use especially creative and witty SOTU-themed hashtags (#Obamasaidsomethingthatithinkiliked). There are no prizes for good hashtags.

DON’T:

  • … Criticize the media analysis — the experts are always right (see also: war in Iraq, financial meltdown).
  • … Wonder what Keith Olbermann would have to say about the speech. You’ll find out in 5 months, anyway.
  • …. Don’t fall asleep (drinking game fail).
  • … Don’t look directly at John Boehner. Doing so may cause you to sob, turn orange, confuse fact and opinion, think Obama sounds like a liberal and take unearned bonus shots.  That is CHEATING.

Tonight, Ventnor’s and Local 16 and Busboys and Poets and Redline and Black Finn are hosting State of the Union watch parties. Lounge 201, the newly remodeled Bullfeathers, the Hawk ‘n’ Dove and Pour House are all also showing the speech and offering drink specials.

Poop over it all, have fun, be safe and don’t drink too much: who knows if Obamacare covers State of the Union drinking game-inflicted alcohol poising.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 63 comments }

jus_wonderin January 25, 2011 at 5:34 pm

That photo is screamin' for a Blingee

ifthethunderdontgetya January 25, 2011 at 5:35 pm

DRINK!!!111!
~

SorosBot January 25, 2011 at 5:37 pm

But posting to Facebook (or Twitter for those who use it) constantly would take away valuable Wonkette commenting time.

smokefilledroommate January 25, 2011 at 5:37 pm

I think I'm getting hopenotized. Or more realistically, centritized.

PocketsTheClown January 25, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Im painting my whole self orange for this. And I mean it.

Rarian Rakista January 25, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Halloween makeup was dirt cheap in December I grabbed 10 pirate kits with eye-patches for 50 cents each. Now, if needs be, I can have 10 pirates ready at a moments notice but most likely will break them out the next time I have a party involving rum.

GortRay January 25, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I just hope that when some teatard jumps up and yells "liar" the Prez runs up into the bleachers and beats the guy like a gong.

DashboardBuddha January 25, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Now that would be must-see tv.

Rarian Rakista January 25, 2011 at 7:09 pm

He should just calmly walk up to him, smack him and challenge him to a duel.

DoktorZoom January 25, 2011 at 8:17 pm

We certainly DO need to get back to the kind of civility we had in the early days of the Republic.

Also, bear-baiting.

Lost_Teabaggers January 25, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Yes especially a certain teatard who's a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, South Carolina chapter. A 'tard with a passion for holdin' guns in front of camera's and getting orange faced and angry anytime someone talks about healthcare people of color would have access to; especially the mental health portion of it (a lot of conservatives are terrified of and hate psychology, too easy?). A 'tard with a real penchant for innapropriate outbursts who even manages to embarass the shameless GOP and who's entire contribution to politics has consisted of insisting we found weapons in Iraq and shouting "you Lie" at President Obama (ignore the irony here, he can't help it really). Yes, Obama v. Joe Wilson, Round 1: the tall skinny black guy with big ears and a funny name versus the short, rednecked confederate teabagger…who wins, which round and how? I'm takin' bets here, people. (winner faces John Boehner in a drink-off, Russian rules).

bitchincamaro2 January 25, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Alcohol poisoning is a pre-existing condition.

Lascauxcaveman January 25, 2011 at 6:28 pm

You knew this job was dangerous when you took it.

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:21 am

This liver will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

Crank_Tango January 25, 2011 at 5:57 pm

[SLOW CLAP]

ifthethunderdontgetya January 25, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Tinkerbell spent the last two years drinking herself to death, so don't bother.
~

DashboardBuddha January 25, 2011 at 6:04 pm

I've already won the evening. I'm not watching it.

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:22 am

Ditto from this precinct, DB. All the standing and clapping and sitting and scowling gives me a bored.

SayItWithWookies January 25, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I will be drinking anytime the president says "civility" or "fiscal responsibility" and doubling that when either of the GOP rebutters calls President Obama a nazi for wanting to raise taxes.

gef05 January 25, 2011 at 6:44 pm

*sniff* It's been nice knowing you, Wookies.

Rarian Rakista January 25, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Wookies

1321-2011.

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:23 am

I know people to whom you can donate your not-completely-soaked organs.

EdFlintstone January 25, 2011 at 6:12 pm

"Have multiple bottles of the shittiest liquor you can find in your possession", Arielle this is post-Bush America, shitty liquor is all we can afford.

Crank_Tango January 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm

and "multiple bottles"? what is this, a wedding?

EdFlintstone January 25, 2011 at 6:44 pm

What's a good mixer with hairspray?

Chet Kincaid January 25, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Pomegranate juice. I'm sorry, "red" Kool-Aid.

Rarian Rakista January 25, 2011 at 7:14 pm

A little cherry Kool-aid mix actually is my secret ingredient for sangria, I learned it from a Spanish chick.

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:24 am

WD-40.

Come here a minute January 25, 2011 at 6:15 pm

HINT — you can also celebrate Robert Burns' two hundred twenty-second birthday with something from Scotland. But what? Hmmm….so hard to come up with something.

Crank_Tango January 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm

tape? something deepfried, like deep-fried tape?

Come here a minute January 25, 2011 at 7:18 pm
Rarian Rakista January 25, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Cascade Gin, massive juniper front with piney and citrusey flourishes, wee!
http://www.bendistillery.com/cascade-mtn-gin.html

gef05 January 25, 2011 at 6:50 pm

You could put some tatties and neaps in a blender for a few minutes.

DoktorZoom January 25, 2011 at 8:25 pm

I found this on Gany…ganymede..

What is it?

It's…uh…it's green

harry_palmer January 25, 2011 at 6:19 pm

You've declared war on DC’s Other Christmas by not wishing me a happy Michelle Bachmann rebuttal speech. I'm miffed.

HedonismBot January 25, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Speaking of, WTF is up with the Tea.O.P. getting TWO (count 'em) rebuttal speeches? I guess on the off chance Paul Ryan says something that can possibly be mistaken for a rational statement or compassionate sentiment, Crazy Eyes Bachmann can be there to assure the teabaggers he didn't really mean it?
I must have been absent the day My Wonkette covered this topic in class (seriously, this website is my main source of news these days. All the others are just too damned depressing. Wonkette is depressing too, given the subject matter, but the biting sarcasm helps to take the edge off.)

voodooeconomics January 25, 2011 at 6:23 pm

don't seem able to post anything after looking at that picture for a long time..am a bit confused right now, sleepy even.

LionelHutzEsq January 25, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I'm drinking Glenmorangie in celebration of the new speaker.

PocketsTheClown January 25, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Well done sir. Socialist fist up for you.

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:27 am

Oh, this is a good 'un.

finallyhappy January 25, 2011 at 6:38 pm

I saw a large group of possibly 14 year olds wearing their March for Life t-shirts at the Old Post Office today. I wanted to go over ad hand out little hangars on pins but didn't have any to give out.

Smitros January 25, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Does anyone know if/where a tag cloud of the SOTU text will be available? I think "jobs" will be the word, and not THAT kind.

Beetagger January 25, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Good thing I stocked up on 4 Loco.

HedonismBot January 25, 2011 at 6:49 pm

They still sell that shit? I thought they stopped making it after some frat boys' hearts exploded.

jim89048 January 25, 2011 at 7:08 pm
DoktorZoom January 25, 2011 at 8:36 pm

"Both apparently died from a single gunshot. Police would not elaborate the circumstances of the deaths, but said they recovered a 9 mm handgun."

OK, is that one gunshot each, or an incredible bit of trick shooting for a murder-suicide?

jim89048 January 25, 2011 at 8:50 pm

I hope it was a Glock 19, they need a little brand-boosting after the failure in AZ.

horsedreamer_1 January 26, 2011 at 9:22 am

Why did Hillary want this woman & her husband dead?

Aguasclaras land-deal gone bad?

Rarian Rakista January 25, 2011 at 7:11 pm

That is why you give everyone their own bottle to chug from and you water down yours before it starts. That is how you win, right?

Rarian Rakista January 25, 2011 at 7:15 pm

It was actually from too much love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMmk91Uxh78

Rarian Rakista January 25, 2011 at 7:16 pm

It was actually from too much love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMmk91Uxh78

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 25, 2011 at 7:29 pm

I'm sorry Arielle, but the bonus shot comments will put me in the hospital.

imissopus January 25, 2011 at 7:33 pm

SOTU watch parties? You Washingtonians have all the fun.

Steverino247 January 25, 2011 at 7:47 pm

I think I'm going to play WoW and level up an alt instead of watchinghis bullshit dog-and-pony show. I mean, hell, I'm only an hour away from Tijuana if I wanted to see a donkey get fucked.

Blendergoathead January 25, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Side bets on how many SCOTUS judges show up, and of those who do, how many mouth the words, "fuck you and your bipartisanship, you monkey" sometime during the speech.

And who Bachmann makes out with. Also.

mrblifil January 25, 2011 at 8:07 pm

I don't drink to excess but I am thinking of raping someone with my mouth, assuming Obama's speech doesn't leave us all with bleeding assholes.

x111e7thst January 25, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Nights like tonight make me regret my youthful decision to give up heroin.

Beanball January 25, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Never having watched a SOTU speech, I'm not about to start now. But! mere moments ago my other computer finished downloading a no doubt highly illegal copy of the critically acclaimed movie "The King's Speech."

This I will watch forthwith. Sober.

C U Later.

jetjaguar January 25, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Time to break out the SPECIAL EDITION white lightning!

quatrevingt4 January 25, 2011 at 8:45 pm

I hate Piers Morgan with the fire of a thousand suns.

horsedreamer_1 January 26, 2011 at 9:22 am

Busboys n' Poets? The difference being..?

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:25 am

I think it might be – might be – a Sirens of Titan reference, but I'm not betting the ranch on it, or the ranch dressing.

GortRay January 25, 2011 at 8:19 pm

"Green Goddamn" – dump a bag of lime Koolaid directly into a bottle of Popov. Take a sip. Goddamn!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: