The State of the Union address is tonight! Hooray! It’s been a whole year since Obama screamed TAXCUTSTAXCUTSTAXCUTS and swore that we could all live in bipartisan glory. But this spectacle remains a favorite of Washingtonians who love any excuse to drink, talk politics and sound smarter than their friends. The platters have been ordered from Whole Foods, the rules have been set for the drinking game (THAT WAS CIVIL! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT!), a Kennedy relative recently passed away: it’s State of the Union time.
Just as our elected officials will spend tonight playing patty-cake with their new friends, so too can you watch the speech sitting next to the person you hate, who shares nothing of your values, and whom you’ll dump after recess anyway, or not. We do not care! Here are our SOTU watch party Do’s and don’ts (as well as a list of bars where you can go to watch the magic happen).
- …Have multiple bottles of the shittiest liquor you can find in your possession for the obligatory State of the Union drinking game (shots for choice words like “triangulation,” “competitive,” and “compromise,” and a bonus shot if Obama says something that could be interpreted as being left of center).
- …. Cheer on the black man (This is the best way to prove that you are not racist and love your country).
- …. Spend most of your viewing analyzing who’s sitting in the cool section, who’s in the emo section, and who’s with the nerds.
- …. Call out every person whose name you know, and possibly even fudge one or two, just to go the extra mile toward impressing your friends, who are probably too busy figuring out if the speech was made in China to care about who is sitting by whom.
- … Swear that you will one day do whatever it takes — save a life, be trapped underground — to get a front row seat at the State of the Union.
- … Post updates on Facebook and tweet CONSTANTLY during his speech, being sure to use especially creative and witty SOTU-themed hashtags (#Obamasaidsomethingthatithinkiliked). There are no prizes for good hashtags.
- … Criticize the media analysis — the experts are always right (see also: war in Iraq, financial meltdown).
- … Wonder what Keith Olbermann would have to say about the speech. You’ll find out in 5 months, anyway.
- …. Don’t fall asleep (drinking game fail).
- … Don’t look directly at John Boehner. Doing so may cause you to sob, turn orange, confuse fact and opinion, think Obama sounds like a liberal and take unearned bonus shots. That is CHEATING.
Tonight, Ventnor’s and Local 16 and Busboys and Poets and Redline and Black Finn are hosting State of the Union watch parties. Lounge 201, the newly remodeled Bullfeathers, the Hawk ‘n’ Dove and Pour House are all also showing the speech and offering drink specials.
Poop over it all, have fun, be safe and don’t drink too much: who knows if Obamacare covers State of the Union drinking game-inflicted alcohol poising.