The president of China was in town last week, and the Obamas had a fancy-shmancy dinner and invited all their favorite Chinese people, like Michelle Kwan and B.D. Wong. There was lobster and apple pie and no John Boehner, so it was probably very lovely, no? Wrong! First of all, the representation from Hollywood included Yo-Yo Ma and Barbara Streisand — boring! If the Obamas were really keeping up with the 21st century they would have invited Justin Bieber and the Kardashians! But more importantly, Michelle Obama wore a red dress, so bring your American flags to the nearest trash can fire and start practicing how to say “birth certificate” and “9/11″ in Chinese because it’s all over. Even Wal-Mart is giving up being American.
We love our FLOTUS, but she should know by now that in exchange for all the money they have given us, the Chinese now own the color red, forever. Wearing red therefore makes you a communist, and wearing red in the presence of the president of China makes you a double communist. Even the snobs at Vanity Fair agreed, sort of. But maybe we should be less concerned with why Michelle Obama is dressing like a communist, and more worried about why she is acting like such a communist.
Wal-Mart, the nation’s largest grocer, says it will reformulate thousands of products to make them healthier and push its suppliers to do the same, joining first lady Michelle Obama’s effort to combat childhood obesity.
The first lady accompanied Wal-Mart executives Thursday as they announced the effort in Washington. The company plans to reduce sodium and added sugars in some items, build stores in poor areas that don’t already have grocery stores, reduce prices on produce and develop a logo for healthier items.
The logo will probably be a picture of a fat child crying as Michelle Obama steals all his chocolate/hamburger-flavored sodium cereal. America is really outraged about all of this, because how do you think Michelle Obama got Wal-Mart to agree to put slightly less edible poison in its foods? She went to Bill Simon’s house in the middle of the night and held him at gunpoint, or something.
The nation’s largest retailer plans to reduce sodium by a quarter and cut added sugars in some of its private label products by 2015. It also plans to remove remaining industrially produced trans fats. The foods Wal-Mart will concentrate on our products like lunch meats, fruit juices and salad dressings, items that contain high levels of sugar or sodium that consumers don’t know they’re ingesting.
Au contraire, Americans definitely know that they are ingesting these things, and they are quite fine with it, thank you very much. At least there are a few years before any of this will come to fruition, so Americans can stock up on all the sodium and trans fats they want before everything moves to the diabetes black market. [HuffPo]
Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.
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The nation’s largest retailer plans to reduce sodium by a quarter and cut added sugars in some of its private label products by 2015. It also plans to remove remaining industrially produced trans fats.
So… they're not selling anything then. Goo of Salt, Sugar (actually Hydrogenated Corn Syrup) and Trans Fats is one of their hottest selling food items.
Go MO!
Wal-mart must be having trouble finding high school dropouts who can lift boxes up to the third shelf.
Sure, make jokes. But I don't see you in there trying to figure out which is the third shelf. Shit's hard.
It's cheaper to change the food than to pay the power bill to re-charge the diabeetus scooters they have in every store.
Don't try to feed me any nasty shit that grows out of dirt. Nice, clean chemicals is what I crave. I don't even need a copy of The New Yorker to read while I eat, when I can peruse the contents list on a Hostess Ho-Hos wrapper.
Exactly! Don't people realize that fruits and vegetables wriggle around in excrement?! Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by God due to their unrepentant farming.
If Michelle Obama succeeds in forcing Wal-Mart to limit the amount of sea salt in it's family size Planter's cashew containers, then, truly, the shooter has won.
And when the diabetes black market is up and running the shooter will henceforth be known as the "master blaster" and the age of thunder (thighs) dome will be upon us.
What a dilemma for fat, ignorant teatards. How can they boycott Walmart? It's their Raison d'être .
I remember when Kroger and other grocery chains started offering their own fancy in house brands they were also still stocking the utterly blank generic products, a la "Repo Man", that you knew were on the shelves for the foodstamp market. You know, like, a can of beans that was just a white label with large black lettering that said "BEANS". Maybe Walmart can satisfy the tastes of its teatard loyalists (should we call them tories?) by adopting that old two tiered format for its in house brands, only this time the good stuff will be in the plain white cans.
C'mon, let's go get a Drink!
Sure. But first I have to get my car out of this bad area.
FLOTUS tries to make Wal-Mart healthier (an insurmountable task if there ever was one) and then Jack LaLayne up and dies. No good-health deed goes unpunished, I guess.
Michelle is embarking into dangerous territory here. After all, nothing screams "Murika fuck yeah!" as loudly as Wal-Mart. Now I just hope pissed off wingtards don't start flocking to my local Tar-jay.
Well Target does hate fags.
Also: wasn't Hillary, as First Lady, snared in a Wal-Mart scandal?
(I think it involved stock options, not menu… Still, where's Ken Starr when you need him? INVESTIGATE NOBAMA'S NUBIAN BRIDE.)
Wow, "reformulate" their food. I wonder if their imitation gruel will now have chunks of real gruel in it?
Nah, the chunks would clog up the impellers in the pipes connecting the brew vats to the foil bags these food-substitutes are packaged in. What seem like chunks to the consumer are actually curds that form after the "product" sits for three years on the warehouse shelves.
She went to Bill Simon’s house in the middle of the night and held him at gunpoint
But the teabaggers would LIKE this, no? She sees a problem, applies a Second Amendment remedy so what's not to like?
Jesus, the wingnuts sure like to take their reality-ignoring delusions to crazy heights. Michelle looks good in that dress, as she always does, but they'll just act like they're blind and claim she looks ugly, while at the same time pretending that hideous Alaska harpy is attractive.
In a crazy, alternate universe twist, Oscar de la Renta agrees with the tea baggers that the dress was the wrong choice. His concern, however, is that Michelle should have worn a dress by an American designer, oh, like him for instance.
Chocolate draped in red?
I mean, really, who doesn't like cherry amaretto?
"Cherry Amaretto." Did you get that from the Bond Girl Name-O-Matic?
When you say "my body is a temple" its far more acceptable and understandable than saying "my body is a mosque? I'll have the small no big sack of pork rinds!
I call my body the Taj Mahal 'cause it's oversized.
Also, if "wearing red" makes one a Communist, what does "seeing red" mean? Are Tea Partiers really Communists? After all, they claim to be a grass-roots movement which implies COMMUNity and their embrace of the free market is supposedly aimed at increasing COMpetition.
They are also not afraid to leave COMMents.
What about the whole issue of red states? Those commie bastards!
That was the brutal irony of the 2000 election, the Florida re-count, & it's aftermath.
Tsk, tsk… Nancy's astrologer would have made sure that she never wore a dress like that (assuming she didn't convince the Regans to have the state dinner cancelled altogether that is, what with Saturn being in retrograde and Aries being in the house of Meridan, and all) .
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?page_id=9798&...
How could possibly make these people healthier and better looking. It's like model factory at Walmart.
In 2015, Americans will be thin, reading in the dim light of low-energy bulbs in log cabins. And all children will have beards, from milk additives.
So, Brooklynites are actually in favour of Gen Mod foods?
Yay perchlorates!
WHY is this woman hell-bent on destroying America. If I wanted to eat like a communist hippie I'd go to Whole Foods and pay nine dollars for an apple.
T-CELL LIBEL!
Wok the Bloat.
From what I've heard, her kids shop at Target.
This will inspire the Wobblies to fight for better wages from Wal-Mart, right?
It's even worse than that. The red dress was designed by the late Alexander McQueen, who was gay as a rainbow of Skittles.
Teh ghey – worse than socializm!
In a teatard/trekkie parallel universe, everyone that wore the red
shirtdress died.Why does Wal-Mart hate fat people and America?
want more proof that shes a comunist if she gets wal-mart to lower the prices of produce then wal-mart will want to pay less for the produce. where does the produce come from? Im guessing the USA. So if wal-mart pays less for what they sell for less. then its Americas farmers that get less. And lets not forget the higher toy prices to help cover the cost of worker rights in china. Thus spending our money to help the people of china.
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