Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhury and I are the Sammi and Ronnie of the Internets. Usually, Arun posts the latest episode of everyone’s most beloved soap opera serial, West Wing Week, at approximately 12:01 a.m. on Friday morning. But lately, he’s been toying with my emotions by posting late and then trying to make amends via Twitter. And now this week, he just puts up a bullshit 35-second “preview?” Not fucking cool, Arun. If you can’t give me what I need, I’ll find a man who can. And this week, that person is Jake “Sudeikis” Tapper.
Tapper has been embedded with the high-risk Martha’s Vineyard Joint Task Force, risking life and limb to issue daily dispatches from the #1 hot spot for Kennedy-related tragedies. Journey with him into the trenches of Operation Sunny Fun Times!
On rainyass Monday, the Obama Administration told Tapper and all the other bored reporters that Bammerz spent the day “watching DVDs and playing the board game Taboo at Blue Heron Farm, blah blah blah.” In a Wonkette exclusive, I can reveal the films they enjoyed: Return to the Blue Lagoon, Sleepaway Camp 2, and Sasha’s favorite, the 1979 Michelle Citron feminist pseudo-documentary Daughter Rite. As all of America knows, Sasha is famous for passive-aggressively screening deconstructionist cinéma vérité on vacation. The youngest one is always the troublemaker!
On Tuesday, it rained again, and the Obamas probably stayed inside while the Obama women performed a compelling intrepretive pas de deux based on Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s “The Yellow Wallpaper.” At its somber conclusion, which featured Sasha eating various interior decor elements whilst en pointe, Barack attempted to join in the tableau by sticking his head in the oven. Sasha chiding him for mixing up his historically-important suicidal feminists. As punishment, she made him recite Anne Sexton’s “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” while doing a series of sun salutations.
Dinnertime! Here is an non-eyewitness report, hilariously entitled “Breaking News: President Obama Says ‘I’m Having a Great Time’ On Vacation:”
Last night President Obama and First Lady Obama dined at State Road Restaurant in West Tisbury on Martha’s Vineyard. Their dinner companions were family friends Dr. Eric and Cheryl Whitaker, senior adviser Valerie Jarrett, and lawyer and business executive Vernon Jordan and wife Ann Dibble Jordan.
Are you still awake? Than surely you will want to know that Valerie Jarrett is the cousin of Mrs. Vernon Jordan. Also, Vernon presumably regaled the crowd with his favorite old chestnut, the amusing tale of how he once “asked [Monica Lewinsky] directly if she had had sexual relationships with the President.”
Wednesday dawned and it was time for more eating and socializing. Also, Bammerz refused to answer questions about Iraqistan whilst buying shellfish. His flagrant disrespect for kashrut sent shockwaves through JCCs across New England. Back at the mansion, he phoned his on-call imam and asked, “Is shrimp halal or haram, my master? Also, I await your orders.”
Thursday was rainy yet lovely. Sasha roused the household with her traditional morning cry, “Did you hear Mehlman finally fucking came out?” This time, though, it was surprisingly more relevant than on all previous days.
Now it is Friday, and who the fuck knows what these monsters are up to? Playing table tennis? Looking for seashells? Plotting the destruction of all Christ-themed statuary in the Lower 48? The answers are no, maybe, and they did that yesterday.
On a personal note: have a great weekend, shitbirds. I’d like to extend a belated thank-you to the soulless Wonkette disciples who helped me sell out the tiny D.C. Arts Center last weekend. It was disgusting to smell you in person, and I cannot wait to return. Please go fuck yourselves quietly and desperately, like Mehlman has been shame-fucking rough trade for years.
{ 26 comments }
Well, it’s 75 and sunny today so the Obama’s are probably dragging their prayer rugs outside before heading off to Farm Neck Muslin golf course.
You’re Tina Brown. Amiright?
“Now, watch this drive”.
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
“LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.”
The LORD replied:
“Sorry dude, but I had to take a piss
and I don’t like guys watching me while
I’m peeing. Anyway, you’re here aren’t
you? You made it, right? Quit complaining.”
Malia can’t get a word in edgewise, eh?
Steamers or GTFO.
Sasha roused the household with her traditional morning cry, “Did you hear Mehlman finally fucking came out?”
What dya suppose Sasha will think, years from now, when she’s old enough to see this? That’s assuming she isn’t a Wonketteer already.
[re=646965]user-of-owls[/re]: Are you keeping clam, or looking for something from Ohio? You know all those C cities: Cincinnati, Columbus, or perhaps Cleveland.
[re=646963]Serolf Divad[/re]: You lifted that wholesale from Beck’s anticipated “Restoring Honor” speech. Confess.
Is vacationing here Barry’s desperate attempt to be one of the kool kids? Cuz they’d like him better if he treated them like the dogshit they are and make them hang out in Crawford, Texas in August.
Weed will get you through times with no Tapper better than Tapper will get you through times with no weed.
Rainy days usually mean its Sexy Time™! I predict Michelle will deliver a baby girl in 9 months and they’ll name her Rama.
[re=646978]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Rainy days in some zillionaire’s beachfront mega-mansion on the Vineyard guaran-fucking-tees Sexy Time™ on 1,000-threads-per-inch sheets.
So that’s why ‘Bam having a rough go as Prez–he keep channeling Sylvia P. with the whole head-in-the-oven thing. (Saddest of all: it’s an electric.)
Nice rack.
One of my favorite rainy-day activities involves getting whacked out of my head on whatever toxic substances are handy and then watching True Stories — which was especially appropriate during the term of the last pseudo-Texan to have been president (whose name escapes me at the moment). I’m afraid Martha’s Vineyard presents no such apropos movie — although an exciting pastime might be to read Nathaniel Philbrick’s In the Heart of the Sea about the wreck of the whaleship Essex in the Pacific ocean by an angry sperm whale. The survivors had to spend three months at sea, and were driven to extremes of hunger, thirst and insanity, the details of which are described by Philbrick in horrific detail. Excellent for the children, really — especially the cannibalism.
[re=646966]V572625694[/re]: Somehow I suspect this place is way to filthy for the Obamas to let their girls read it until they’re older.
[re=647008]SayItWithWookies[/re]:
I love that movie.
Sara, you holding? Runnin’ low.
[re=647027]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: It is really the best capsule of American culture I’ve seen, at least in a whimsical genre.
The ruthlessness with which Sara replaces her men makes me totally wet. But I think the movie list is a bit off. I think they made their way chronologically through Dante’s Peak, Devil Wears Prada, Death of a President, Dead Poet’s Society, and Domestic Partners. When Sasha noticed Uncle Vernon was wearing a platinum diamond-studded monogrammed bling necklace consisting of the letters “DP” things started to get weird.
[re=647069]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You mean the cannibalism one, right?
No mention of sweet corn, tomaters and lobster?
yea, Barry is NOT ‘Murican
halal or haram? sara is ha-lot hot. ha-hot? hella hot? whatever. anyway. you make me warm all over, sara. you’re brilliant.
I’ve already learned how to spell Benincasa by heart. Hang on to this one wonkette, she’s the most righteous kind of star: an intelligent one.
How is this Thursday different from every other Thursday?
Comments on this entry are closed.