VAGINAS  10:41 am August 19, 2010

Happy Belated Vote Birthday, Slatterns!

by Sara Benincasa

Bitches ain't shit but hoez an' tricks

How the fuck did your Wonkette miss the fact that yesterday was the 90th anniversary of the day bitches got the right to fondle hanging chads? Sadly, half of your daily Wonkette Ladyteam is a Known Bad Feminist, and the other half is an ethereal artist who dwells in a secret elven workshop in Chicago, a city in which women have been forbidden from leaving the home since Mrs. O’Leary funded an act of fiery bovine terrorism.

So in 1848 some chicks got together at Seneca Falls, NY and made this thing called the Declaration of Sentiments, which is such a fucking girl thing to call a document. And then everyone did womynist activismy things for a long, long time. Also there was a big war that tore the country apart and slaughtered jabillions of men. And then came Reconstruction, when the New York Yankees made bags out of carpets and went down South so Derek Jeter could bone Scarlett O’Hara. After that, the Titanic sank and then someone assassinated a hipster indie rock band in Sarajevo, which started a war, and Germany got really uppity but we put the kibosh on THEIR attitude FOREVER, ensuring that Germany would never again try to start any shit with anybody.

We can thank Tennessee for holding out so goddamn long that it took until 1920 for American vagina-havers to be able to vote corrupt assholes into office. One of the state legislators in the Tennessee House broke a deadlock on the third round of voting by changing his mind after his smothering mother sent him a letter telling him to just let ladies have a say, already, JEEZ. So Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment, and thus was it law (for white women!) Then that dude probs went home and leaned over so his mom could spank him for being a very, very bad boy. Then she sat him in her lap and took out a tit, and he had his dinner. And that’s why we have to fill out stupid voter registration forms and have periods. God.

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Hola wonkerados.

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ManchuCandidate August 19, 2010 at 10:45 am

I guess it was Sara (sans H) who hijacked the word, feminist.

Slatterns? I thought you ladies preferred being called Gyno-merkuns or Vajay-merkuns.

BarackMyWorld August 19, 2010 at 10:47 am

Who hijacked voting?A cackle of rads who want 2 crucify other women w/whom they disagree on a singular issue; it’s idiotic (& I’ll have some paté)

Noodle Salad August 19, 2010 at 10:50 am

Mrs. O’Leary, the original Mama Grizzly. She didn’t need any constit’l obstructions infringing on her right to milk cows with gasoline. Good thing she only burned down the Irish district and some Papist churches.

BarackMyWorld August 19, 2010 at 10:55 am

Yes, this thread is just going to be one big Sarah Palin joke, isn’t it?

Katydid August 19, 2010 at 10:55 am

That cow, like all womyn, got a bum rap.

dijetlo August 19, 2010 at 10:59 am

[re=641652]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I tend to think of them as the Vaginite tribe of North America.
Congratulations on the voter thingy, Vaginites, now…go make us a sandwich.

Texan Bulldoggette August 19, 2010 at 11:01 am

Methinks Susan B. Anthony should come back, strip down to her petticoats & beat the shit out of Snowbilly. It’s doubtful that coasting through life on your lies & looks (lord knows Susan was not a looker) is not something Ms. Anthony would support.

WarAndGee August 19, 2010 at 11:02 am

Decades from now these old trollops will be back in the kitchen poopin’ out man babies when Glenn Beck’s 100 year plan to roll back the progressive-era is enacted by congress.

slappypaddy August 19, 2010 at 11:04 am

used to be only dicks could hold office. then democracy came and cunts could hold office, too. that’s progress!

actor212 August 19, 2010 at 11:11 am

Up until 1920, the only box women had to contend with was keeping it clean.

Monsieur Grumpe August 19, 2010 at 11:12 am

[re=641671]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]:
Throw in some mud or Jello and I’ll pay to watch.

Seriously, that was only 90 years ago.

One Yield Regular August 19, 2010 at 11:12 am

Mississippi didn’t officially ratify the 19th amendment until 1984; I blame Haley Barbour, just because.

JMP August 19, 2010 at 11:15 am

And then, everything became equal between the sexes and women were never discriminated against, by either government or private business, ever again.

Katydid August 19, 2010 at 11:19 am

[re=641675]slappypaddy[/re]: Now that’s an image.

And, my dear Sara, you ask, somewhat disingenuously, how did My Wonkette forget to commemorate the 90th anniversary of wimmins getting the vote?

It’s all too clear to me now, after Sarah Palin’s latest twats. My Wonkette is agin Sarah with an “h,” which means My Wonkette hates powerful wimmins. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, my dear, post hoc ergo propter hoc. As Sarah might tweet, if’n she weren’t so classy.

hiphophitler August 19, 2010 at 11:20 am

Giving bitches the right to vote was the cause of prohibition, which never would have happened without them. This is why to this day they deserve to be punished with chains and handcuffs and glossy black leather and riding crops. At least over at my place.

Norbert August 19, 2010 at 11:22 am

How’s that votey-votey thing workin’ out for ya?

And the second paragraph reminds me of when I used to mark first-year history papers, also.

twowheeljunkie August 19, 2010 at 11:26 am

WOW! Thank second paragraph was one wild ride.

Katydid August 19, 2010 at 11:27 am

Some countries are more practical about these things than the US. Switzerland, for example, didn’t grant full suffrage to women until 1971. Liechtenstein waited until 1984, Portugal waited until 1976.

Afghanistan, Botswana and Lesotho, by contrast, granted suffrage in 1965.

What goes on in Switzerland anyways?

Sleeves August 19, 2010 at 11:29 am

[re=641667]dijetlo[/re]: The longueur response “Powerful hungry.” prevails…

user-of-owls August 19, 2010 at 11:31 am

What goes on in Switzerland anyways?

They gave women the right to vote much earlier, except it was secret.

Whiskeybaby August 19, 2010 at 11:32 am

I have never been so proud to have a vagina

user-of-owls August 19, 2010 at 11:33 am

since Mrs. O’Leary funded an act of fiery bovine terrorism.

Cud chewers of the world unite!

Guppy06 August 19, 2010 at 11:35 am

[re=641697]hiphophitler[/re]: On the contrary: bitches took away our beer until we let them vote.

Katydid August 19, 2010 at 11:37 am

[re=641719]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Uh, are you female, or do you, you know, just have a vagina lying around the house? And do I want to know?

Norbert August 19, 2010 at 11:39 am

[re=641708]Katydid[/re]: What goes on in Switzerland anyways?

Diplomacie, internationale bonking, and raclette.

Sleeves August 19, 2010 at 11:45 am

[re=641731]Norbert[/re]: “The word for the cheese is masculine, le raclette, wheras [sic] the word for the dish is feminine, la raclette.”

That joke is going to make my day.

hiphophitler August 19, 2010 at 11:45 am

[re=641723]Guppy06[/re]: Okay, I got the 18th and 19th Amendments reversed. Prohibition first, then bitches get the vote. Still, they were the cause of making all the voting booths smell like tuna.

WhatTheHeck August 19, 2010 at 11:52 am

…and so today men can enjoy Playboy, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and Victoria’s Secret. Thank god the wimmins have come a long way.

ManchuCandidate August 19, 2010 at 11:59 am

Hey now! That’s what feminists like Sarah Palin call female empowerment…

102415 August 19, 2010 at 12:16 pm

I’m feeling good today. I’d like to join with my Rad sisters and pull the bumpit’s right out of that bitches hair. Let’s vote on it.

nappyduggs August 19, 2010 at 12:29 pm

[re=641730]Katydid[/re]: [re=641719]Whiskeybaby[/re]:
If it is just “lying around the house” I hope to Jewhovah it’s a Fleshlight.

I’ll take off my earrings, put some Vaseline on my face, and join you. But if that cooz pulls out my tracts, she will get a homegrown hysterectomy. USA!1!

You’re welcome, America.

SayItWithWookies August 19, 2010 at 12:55 pm

I didn’t think my Wonkette didn’t care about women’s suffrage — I just figured you had spent so much time putting your makeup on and primping and such that it took this long to post.

Really though — happy 90th, women’s suffrage.

GOPCrusher August 19, 2010 at 1:21 pm

The word “Slattern” just doesn’t get enough use on a daily basis.

geminisunmars August 19, 2010 at 1:23 pm

[re=641683]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: My mother was born when women didn’t have the right to vote. But then, I is old.

Oldskool August 19, 2010 at 2:01 pm

Yes, the whole having periods things shoulda been anough of a reason. Or for raising kids. Gah. If it was up to me they’d get an extra vote for having boobs.

vespula maculata August 19, 2010 at 3:36 pm

This is the kind of post that makes me never miss a day at wonkette. What a cool place it must be to work. Sara, this one should win an award.

WriteyWriterton August 19, 2010 at 4:47 pm

..and now we return to the rant portion of today’s programming:

1. As things have turned out, maybe we should used the same damn amendment to take away the vote from men. (I’m looking at us, lads).

2. And this “Susan B. Anthony’s List”? – this Republican “pro-life” rip-off of “Emily’s List,” it makes me haz a crazy.

Sara Benincasa August 20, 2010 at 1:09 am

[re=642049]vespula maculata[/re]: Thank you, Vespula! The award would be: “For Dumb Whores.”

Brendan August 20, 2010 at 3:40 am

[re=642049]vespula maculata[/re]:

An award? For what? For putting the punctuation mark inside the parenthesis when she said “for white women?” Yuck. No way.

More like an award for Best Proof Women and Libruls Can Never Vote.

Sleeves August 20, 2010 at 3:23 pm

[re=642439]Sara Benincasa[/re]: (We loved you instantly.)

Brendan August 21, 2010 at 4:17 am

See! That’s when you can put a period or other markery on the inside! It’s its own entity and not attached to an otherwise complete sentence! Learn from Sleeves.

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