Happy Belated Vote Birthday, Slatterns!

  vaginas

Bitches ain't shit but hoez an' tricks

How the fuck did your Wonkette miss the fact that yesterday was the 90th anniversary of the day bitches got the right to fondle hanging chads? Sadly, half of your daily Wonkette Ladyteam is a Known Bad Feminist, and the other half is an ethereal artist who dwells in a secret elven workshop in Chicago, a city in which women have been forbidden from leaving the home since Mrs. O’Leary funded an act of fiery bovine terrorism.

So in 1848 some chicks got together at Seneca Falls, NY and made this thing called the Declaration of Sentiments, which is such a fucking girl thing to call a document. And then everyone did womynist activismy things for a long, long time. Also there was a big war that tore the country apart and slaughtered jabillions of men. And then came Reconstruction, when the New York Yankees made bags out of carpets and went down South so Derek Jeter could bone Scarlett O’Hara. After that, the Titanic sank and then someone assassinated a hipster indie rock band in Sarajevo, which started a war, and Germany got really uppity but we put the kibosh on THEIR attitude FOREVER, ensuring that Germany would never again try to start any shit with anybody.

We can thank Tennessee for holding out so goddamn long that it took until 1920 for American vagina-havers to be able to vote corrupt assholes into office. One of the state legislators in the Tennessee House broke a deadlock on the third round of voting by changing his mind after his smothering mother sent him a letter telling him to just let ladies have a say, already, JEEZ. So Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment, and thus was it law (for white women!) Then that dude probs went home and leaned over so his mom could spank him for being a very, very bad boy. Then she sat him in her lap and took out a tit, and he had his dinner. And that’s why we have to fill out stupid voter registration forms and have periods. God.

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

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41 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    I guess it was Sara (sans H) who hijacked the word, feminist.

    Slatterns? I thought you ladies preferred being called Gyno-merkuns or Vajay-merkuns.

  2. BarackMyWorld

    Who hijacked voting?A cackle of rads who want 2 crucify other women w/whom they disagree on a singular issue; it’s idiotic (& I’ll have some paté)

  3. Noodle Salad

    Mrs. O’Leary, the original Mama Grizzly. She didn’t need any constit’l obstructions infringing on her right to milk cows with gasoline. Good thing she only burned down the Irish district and some Papist churches.

  4. dijetlo

    [re=641652]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I tend to think of them as the Vaginite tribe of North America.
    Congratulations on the voter thingy, Vaginites, now…go make us a sandwich.

  5. Texan Bulldoggette

    Methinks Susan B. Anthony should come back, strip down to her petticoats & beat the shit out of Snowbilly. It’s doubtful that coasting through life on your lies & looks (lord knows Susan was not a looker) is not something Ms. Anthony would support.

  6. WarAndGee

    Decades from now these old trollops will be back in the kitchen poopin’ out man babies when Glenn Beck’s 100 year plan to roll back the progressive-era is enacted by congress.

  7. slappypaddy

    used to be only dicks could hold office. then democracy came and cunts could hold office, too. that’s progress!

  8. Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=641671]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]:
    Throw in some mud or Jello and I’ll pay to watch.

    Seriously, that was only 90 years ago.

  9. One Yield Regular

    Mississippi didn’t officially ratify the 19th amendment until 1984; I blame Haley Barbour, just because.

  10. JMP

    And then, everything became equal between the sexes and women were never discriminated against, by either government or private business, ever again.

  11. Katydid

    [re=641675]slappypaddy[/re]: Now that’s an image.

    And, my dear Sara, you ask, somewhat disingenuously, how did My Wonkette forget to commemorate the 90th anniversary of wimmins getting the vote?

    It’s all too clear to me now, after Sarah Palin’s latest twats. My Wonkette is agin Sarah with an “h,” which means My Wonkette hates powerful wimmins. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, my dear, post hoc ergo propter hoc. As Sarah might tweet, if’n she weren’t so classy.

  12. hiphophitler

    Giving bitches the right to vote was the cause of prohibition, which never would have happened without them. This is why to this day they deserve to be punished with chains and handcuffs and glossy black leather and riding crops. At least over at my place.

  13. Norbert

    How’s that votey-votey thing workin’ out for ya?

    And the second paragraph reminds me of when I used to mark first-year history papers, also.

  14. Katydid

    Some countries are more practical about these things than the US. Switzerland, for example, didn’t grant full suffrage to women until 1971. Liechtenstein waited until 1984, Portugal waited until 1976.

    Afghanistan, Botswana and Lesotho, by contrast, granted suffrage in 1965.

    What goes on in Switzerland anyways?

  15. user-of-owls

    [re=641708]Katydid[/re]:
    What goes on in Switzerland anyways?

    They gave women the right to vote much earlier, except it was secret.

  16. user-of-owls

    since Mrs. O’Leary funded an act of fiery bovine terrorism.

    Cud chewers of the world unite!

  17. Katydid

    [re=641719]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Uh, are you female, or do you, you know, just have a vagina lying around the house? And do I want to know?

  18. Sleeves

    [re=641731]Norbert[/re]: “The word for the cheese is masculine, le raclette, wheras [sic] the word for the dish is feminine, la raclette.”

    That joke is going to make my day.

  19. hiphophitler

    [re=641723]Guppy06[/re]: Okay, I got the 18th and 19th Amendments reversed. Prohibition first, then bitches get the vote. Still, they were the cause of making all the voting booths smell like tuna.

  20. WhatTheHeck

    …and so today men can enjoy Playboy, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and Victoria’s Secret. Thank god the wimmins have come a long way.

  21. ManchuCandidate

    [re=641751]WhatTheHeck[/re]:
    Hey now! That’s what feminists like Sarah Palin call female empowerment…

  22. 102415

    I’m feeling good today. I’d like to join with my Rad sisters and pull the bumpit’s right out of that bitches hair. Let’s vote on it.

  23. nappyduggs

    [re=641730]Katydid[/re]: [re=641719]Whiskeybaby[/re]:
    If it is just “lying around the house” I hope to Jewhovah it’s a Fleshlight.

    [re=641798]102415[/re]:
    I’ll take off my earrings, put some Vaseline on my face, and join you. But if that cooz pulls out my tracts, she will get a homegrown hysterectomy. USA!1!

    You’re welcome, America.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    I didn’t think my Wonkette didn’t care about women’s suffrage — I just figured you had spent so much time putting your makeup on and primping and such that it took this long to post.

    Really though — happy 90th, women’s suffrage.

  25. geminisunmars

    [re=641683]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: My mother was born when women didn’t have the right to vote. But then, I is old.

  26. Oldskool

    Yes, the whole having periods things shoulda been anough of a reason. Or for raising kids. Gah. If it was up to me they’d get an extra vote for having boobs.

  27. vespula maculata

    This is the kind of post that makes me never miss a day at wonkette. What a cool place it must be to work. Sara, this one should win an award.

  28. WriteyWriterton

    ..and now we return to the rant portion of today’s programming:

    1. As things have turned out, maybe we should used the same damn amendment to take away the vote from men. (I’m looking at us, lads).

    2. And this “Susan B. Anthony’s List”? – this Republican “pro-life” rip-off of “Emily’s List,” it makes me haz a crazy.

  29. Brendan

    [re=642049]vespula maculata[/re]:

    An award? For what? For putting the punctuation mark inside the parenthesis when she said “for white women?” Yuck. No way.

    More like an award for Best Proof Women and Libruls Can Never Vote.

  30. Brendan

    See! That’s when you can put a period or other markery on the inside! It’s its own entity and not attached to an otherwise complete sentence! Learn from Sleeves.

Comments are closed.