Outsider Teabag ArtIn response to Glenn Beck’s recent announcement that he’s either going to go blind next year or not, a concerned fan has created a Facebook page called “1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck.” Just to be on the safe side and cover all the bases, you know? Beck’s supporters are leaving all kinds of prayers and messages on the page’s official “wall.” Let’s have a look!

Hmm, so people are pretty much posting whatever comes to mind. And most notes are not actually “prayers.” Which makes the page name kind of misleading! One fan thanks Beck for helping him to teach Hungarians about the Ukranian Holodomor, a terrible and depressing famine that happened many decades ago, so that the Hungarians will learn … how to cry like Glenn Beck? It’s a useful skill. “God’s word is spreading through your leadership and awesome research group … throughout the world, one person at a time,” the fan writes.

Other not-really-prayers:

“May God heal your eyes and prevent any blindness. After all, you are OUR eyes and you certainly are helping us see.”


“You are a Captain Moroni and though you have your enemies, you also have many more who are on your side.”

“Glenn ya got my prayers and as Kojac would say ’who loves ya Baby’?”

Wouldn’t it make more sense to post actual prayers to God‘s Facebook page? Only God can actually fix the Beckian peepers. Or is God supposed to find out about this page somehow, check it out, and glean from all of the comments that Beck is so beloved, that he might be worth the time and effort to heal? But what if God’s too busy to go on other people’s Facebook pages and read all of these notes, or what if He only has a MySpace or Friendster, because God is old and probably behind the times on some things?

A more direct way to communicate with God is to say a prayer, in your mind. God is in your mind and hears your thoughts. That much we know. But if this doesn’t seem like “doing enough,” here’s what you do: Make a sign like ours, stating a prayer to God about Glenn Beck’s vision. Take the sign outside and put it in the yard or on the ground somewhere. Use some rocks or spent ammo to weigh it down. Leave the sign in place for at least 24 hours or until it blows away/gets rained on/is stolen by a liberal. God will see the sign from the heavens when she does her morning scan of the Earth, and “make a note of the issue.”

We used this “leave a sign in the yard” technique to win the lottery once. It works. [1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck Facebook page]

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  1. And when Beck’s eyesight gets a bit blurrier but nowhere near actual blindness, it will be a sign that the prayers worked, and not that he exaggerated his condition which does not actually cause blindness.

    The Captain Moroni thing looked like a joke, it sounds a character from a spoof comic, a Mormon Captain America, but wow, it’s real, Mormons are even nuttier than I thought.

  2. Dear god, I know you would tell us congregants that we would go blind and grow hair on our palms if we did, you know, that self satifying thing. But now I implore you, you god of we conservative tea partiers. Forgive Glenn’s sins and put some mud and spit on his eyes and restore him to the man he never was.

    -your humble sinner

  3. You can make all the fun you want of the notion that praying pays dividends, but what you gonna say when those Jesus freaks down on the Gulf start reminding you’all that it was only after they got their praying on for the oil leak to stop and for the Gulf to get all cleaned up, that lo and behold it happened? HENGGHH? HENGGH? etc?

  4. Has he tried rubbing his eyes with mud? Maybe some of the scales from his forehead area sloughed off and are now stuck to his eyelids. A little mud works great to take off those pesky scales.

  5. Signs seem like quite a bit of work. Next time you’re at the mall, just throw a dime into the fountains and make a wish. Those work just as well, right?

  6. Dear God —

    Please start existing so you can fix Glenn Beck’s lachrymal ducts, as they are horribly obstructed by gobs of Vick’s Vap-O-Rub. And while you, as a fictitious all-knowing critter, might see more reason to start in on the rest of his head because there’s so much more wrong with it than his weepers, we don’t really care — if he grew a lick o’sense he’d stop being so much fun.

    Yours (well not really — even the least)


  7. Remember that one Spielberg movie where the guy had new eyes put in and the sleazy doctor warned him that if he opened his eyes too soon he’d be blind but then he did open his eyes and he was still fine the next day, and that was like a typical Spielbergian red herring? Is this thing with Beck like that?

  8. Tom-for-whom-the-reply-button-does-not-work: Nah, we don’t need to waste a perfectly good dime. According to the Oprah-promoted The Secret, all you have to do is wish for something strongly enough, and you’ll get it!

    Well, that’s basically the same thing as prayer without the imaginary friend part.

  9. Maybe Mama Grizzly can donate one of her eyes – then you can both monitor the communistic hordes across the Bering Strait. Failing this (and bearing in mind that La GriftyGrizzler never “donated” anything in her life), fall to your knees and pray that God the Opthalmologist was not accredited by Rand Paul.

  10. Oh, and after having glanced at that shit; what the fuck has happened to this country? That a weeping, googly eyed paranoid could rise to the level of influence he enjoys screams volumes about the moronis in this fucked up country. Sheesh!

  11. God quit facebook because he was sick of having his “mysterious ways” broadcast all over the place by shitty privacy policy changes, so he won’t be seeing this.

  12. Capt. Moroni’s greatest moment was when he announced “This is fargin war!” on Jocko Dundee’s gang.

    Later, he defeated Xenu and ascended to heaven in a DC9 hot rodded with Unicorn horn-fueled rocket packs. Then he was promoted to Double Supreme Commander Admiral of the amoebocytes and lived happily ever after.

  13. “Captain Moroni is presented as a righteous and skilled military commander. Among his accomplishments were his extensive preparations for battle….” So, he gave big contracts to Lockheed-Martin? I guess this could’ve happened before they merged.

  14. Just think of what the people who actually are joining this are actually saying, in their own minds:

    “Dear god, I believe you exist and have the power to control everything in the world. Please, for now, stop doing anything about wars, natural disasters, epidemics and fatal diseases, starvation, crushing poverty, and even the outcome of sporting events to prevent this raging douchbag I’m a fan of from having his vision get blurry.”

    [re=627310]Mad Brahms[/re]: I heard he quit facebook because he got sick of all his close worshipers’ constant stream of FarmVille request.

  15. I took a look at the Facebook page – after enduring a small snippit of the fucking TORRENT of drivel spouted by these bozos, I’m having trouble keeping my lunch down (Yo Glenn! Here’s another torrent for ya! – Semi-digested egg salad on rye, with a bile dressing)

  16. Limbaugh did the same thing with his whole struggle against “hearing loss.” He was less upfront about his terrible struggles with painkillers and underage prostitutes from Manilla and the Domenican Republic…but that’s all one.

    I also notice Captain Moroni named his son Moronihah. I wonder what the kids in school gave him as a nickname?

  17. Music to Rush’s ears: “Me so horny. Me love you long time” to the musical accompaniment of Mannheim Steamroller, or some other overblown shit.

  18. Um, God knows about this page, okay? Facebook suggested that he join. But then God struck Zuckerberg with a bolt of lightening for doubting his omnipresence.

  19. [re=627334]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: It’s not even macular degeneration — it’s something called macular dystrophy, which apparently makes one’s vision fuzzy and needs a little more care than normally aging eyes, which require a prescription change every two years or so. So his potential blindness is basically the Iraqi nuclear weapons program of modern medicine.

  20. Is Beck Captain Moroni or just Captain Moron? Or perhaps Captain of the Morons?

    I hope GB has a backup plan because God is deciding which children die of starvation. Also saving family photo albums from tornadoes (He sent). If he does GB (“go blind”), that socialistic Americans with Disabilities Act which mandates accommodations for the blind will be a big help.

  21. [re=627318]tribbzthesquidz[/re]: [re=627334]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: This is pretty much my bet, too. I’m calling even odds on Beck’s impending fake-blindness being “miraculously” cured when his racism-cult convenes for their terrible August 28th thing.

  22. This is so typical of you atheist libtards! You’re so ignorant of God and his “plan.” God, in fact, created us human beings so that we could beg Him for stuff. He already knows what we want to ask for, but…..(wait for it)…..He enjoys the begging. No shit. Fundies believe that.

  23. It wouldn’t be necessary to pray to God for medical care if Beck and his mindless minions would support health care reform and more tax money for medical research and stem cell research.

  24. [re=627345]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Dude, I have fucking macular dystrophy. It’s just fucking annoying, it’s not really a super big deal. I’m just not able to be a workaholic anymore, which is turning out to be a-okay with me.

    Srsly, Beck, quit being a goddamned crybaby.

  25. Dear Mormon Jesus: Please send your messenger in the form of a wild board to impale and maul Mr. Beck to death so that he can get a super-special private planet filled with Swedish Bikini Team members in that imaginary bullshit afterlife horsecrap you cooked up when Joseph Smith was drunk on elderberry wine.

  26. [re=627279]JMP[/re]: I knew Mormons believed some stupid shit because I’ve read a few pages of the Book of Mormon (a more transparent Biblical forgery you will not find). But they believe impossibly stupid shit, too. The “Nephites” supposedly were massacred in a battle in 385 A.D. There are quite a few historical records going back that far, and (surprise), no Nephites in them.

    It’s one thing to believe in supernatural events that cannot be proven/disproven. It’s another to believe in fictional history that is quite EASILY disproven. Fuckin’ Utah dumbasses.

  27. This is far better than socialized medicine: socialize prayer.

    (Oh, and as someone who was born with congenital heart defects (yes, redundant), club footed, cross-eyed, and hospitalized five times before the age of five, I know that prayer does work, but I also know that it’s not a contest, not a test, and not a spectacle.) (Also, as someone who is “uninsurable” on the private market and who spent seventeen years uninsured, Glenn’s private fortune leaves me somewhat cold hearted.)

    However, yes: pray for his eyes, that they may be opened and his brain be cured of its many diseases.

  28. Best cutline ever, from the NYT, circa 1980: “The faithful wait at Lourdes, France.”

    Glenn should try that–pull up a wheelchair and wait for the rapture.


    Forget Captain Moroni and his stupid son Moron-hahah for a minute. What the hell does this even mean? Who is Mr. All-Caps’ primary information provider? My guess is Pastor Swank.

  30. I have a naming suggestion that might help establish a fragile peace between the warring “Moron” and “Moroni” factions:

    “Captain Moron Eye”


  31. I seem to remember that the cure for blindness set out in the Book of Tobit (not sure if that book is in the Mormon bible) involves bird excrement.

  32. Here is what I would post if I wanted to go to the trouble seeing as how I don’t believe this BS cry for attention of his anyways but even if I did I don’t care.

    “May the farts from a thousand assholes descend upon your face”

  33. [re=627384]Oblios Cap[/re]: I did not understand that reference until I Googled it. Until today, I had never, ever heard of Captain Caveman. In the late 70’s, I did not have television in my house, so never saw this cartoon.

    This is why Wonkette is so great. I learn something new every day.

    And the porn, also. Wonkette porn, that is.

  34. [re=627372]Lazy Media[/re]: Mormon apologetics is absolutely *captivating* to me, though! I mean, there’s a lot of improbable stuff in the Bible, but for the most part, rationalists can say “see, here’s an unnecessarily supernatural explanation of natural phenomena / historical events” or read into it as propaganda for Israelite conquests, etc.

    The Book of Mormon, though, that’s just cooky! I mean, it’s got a number of different tribes leaving Israel and all somehow ending up in the same part of the “New World”, and experiencing all sorts of things, like iron weapons, horses, pigs, etc, that just didn’t exist. The kind of fanwanking people do to somehow make the book match historical / archaeological reality is just all kinds of fascinating.

  35. [re=627334]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I agree, it’s a stunt. Pardon me if I am wrong, but this huckster would stoop to anything to manipulate the army of cretins who listen to him regularly.

  36. hello my children. it is i, the most high, using my god ability to speak to you through the comments section of wonkette.

    i will fix the prophet glenn’s eyes, and also teach you to spell “kojak,” which was one of my favorite television shows back in the 1970s. not as good as ‘baretta,’ but there you go.

    god out.

  37. Dear Merciful God,
    Please make Glenn Beck mute, too.
    And while we’re talking, what was up with the Crusades?
    Yours Truly,
    Pray My Ass Off Someone Will Throw A Bucket Of Water-bubbly or tap, either will do–On SP And Make Her Melt.

  38. Beck won’t be able to see his own evil? Limbaugh not able to hear his own evil? Who won’t be able to speak his own evil — shortly?

  39. “Dear White Jesus,
    Please let Glenn Beck figure out that if he takes his head out of his ass, he will be able to see a lot better.
    Just not right away.

  40. [re=627358]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: One of my favorite takedowns of the fundies is in the comic Preacher, in which the Christian god exists, and is the series’ main villain. He’s presented as a whiny shit who created humanity, demanded they worship him, and torments them just because he needs his ass to constantly be kissed.

    [re=627372]Lazy Media[/re]: There’s some easily debunked history in the main Bible, but nowhere near as much as the Book of Mormon. The worst probably are the Jews as slaves in Egypt, when the Egyptians left extensive record with no mention of them and did not practice slavery, and the massacre of the innocents by Herod, who was dead at the time it allegedly happened and which the Romans who ruled Judea apparently never noticed.

    But the Mormon teachings go far beyond that, and if you read Smith’s story of how he allegedly found and translated the book it’s pretty clear he was nothing but a con artist who was making the whole thing it up as he we along. Kind of like the main arc in later seasons of X-Files.

  41. I wonder what life is going to be like when Beck pretends to be blind so as to cast himself in a more sympathetic role. My guess is that his operation will have a more cultish fanatacism, as his followers praise his “miraculous” ability to shun the use of canes or a guide dog in the name of self reliance. If you think these people are irritating now…

  42. I hope we get a follow up post with a photo of the sign outside in the yard or on the ground somewhere, wherever Lauri leaves it for at least 24 hours or until it blows away/gets rained on/is stolen by a liberal. Please note, the proper disposal of this sacred item involves cremation.

  43. I’ll say one thing: between the TV show, the radio broadcasts, the book sales, the foray into “fiction,” the dazzling variety of Glenn paraphernalia, the Lincoln Memorial Gun Rally (?!) commemorative t-shirts, and now trumpeting a minor ailment to reap gazillions in sympathetic donations from his brain-dead, toxically-righteous, anger-filled, reactionary, fascist-leaning flock, Glenn Beck has rightfully earned his own entire wing in the Hall of Fame of American Hucksterism.

  44. They really need to ask god to disconnect the nerve running from his eyes to his ass so he won’t have such a shitty outlook.

    (Sorry, that may be old but it’s still a gem.)

  45. Remember that Twilight Zone episode where the doctors are all frantically working on this woman to fix her hideous deformities and when they pull the bandages off she is this beautiful blonde and the camera pans back and the doctors are all boar-faces and she starts screaming and crying about how ugly she still is?

    Wait, that doesn’t apply here. Nevermind.

  46. [re=627439]JMP[/re]: Aaaaaactually, I’m just getting ready to teach Exodus, so I did the unthinkable and re-read it for the first time since age 13.

    The book never, ever says that the Jews were slaves.

    It says they were “in bondage.” The clearest picture seems to be that they were bound to the land and had to produce X and Y quantities, that they were, in effect, serfs. Further, Pharoah acts badly toward them for a very clear reason: he is afraid of having so many “foreigners” in his country. He is getting attacked constantly by eastern kingdoms, and he’s worried that having a population that is “non-Egyptian” will mean that they will revolt and throw in with an attacker some day, and, because “those people keep multiplying,” he wants their population limited.

    They are NOT slaves in the Greek or Roman sense, and certainly not in the American sense.

  47. [re=627547]Geogre[/re]: Jews the first Mexicans :) you would think this would show the Arizonians (esp those religious ones) that the law is wrong…but i doubt they ever thought this deeply.

  48. [re=627342]proudgrampa[/re]: it has nothing to do with education or intelligence . it has to do with an unshakable level of fear imposed since childhood , when it does the most lasting damage . it’s about clinging to the only thing that you have been told will ‘save’ you . religion , basically , reaches out and dominates the emotional core of the brain of defenseless children to make them into defenseless adults. it’s permanent and that is the crime of it all .

  49. [re=627628]rmjag[/re]: I would agree with you, my friend, except that I, personally, feel like I’ve overcome the guilt and fear imposed on me in my childhood, and I was exposed to both Southern Baptism AND Mormonism (actually, not that much difference between the two).

    I am, generally, a big fraidy-cat and not all that smart. But if I can figure out the lies and the crap inherent in these religions, I can’t understand why millions of others do not.

  50. [re=627646]proudgrampa[/re]: i have overcome the same things . however , i was never comfortable within the group that was scaring me in order to ‘save’ me . i was always outside of the group , never having the comfort of acceptance or of belonging , so there was no false hope . i attributed my success in avoiding the blindness of religion to my father’s family , who were Quakers .

  51. [re=627479]Darkness[/re]: yes-how about the one with almost no sound and the tiny “aliens” were American spacemen- and the giant lady(the real alien) was Bette Davis(or someone like her). It doesn’t apply either but is a lot more interesting that that lying sack of shit, Glenn Beck- who is not going blind.

  52. [re=627663]rmjag[/re]: Makes sense. If you’re outside the group and don’t have a need to be a part of it, you can retain your objectivity. In my case, as a child, I had a tremendous fear of being ostracized and alone: I was a perfect target for these cults.

    I had grandparents who were alomst like Holy Rollers, and parents who insisted on going to church all the time. All that talk of going to hell and being born in a sinful state gets to one after a while: you can’t win. By the time I got to be a teenager, I was sick of it all.

    Thank God for Atheism…

  53. [re=627697]proudgrampa[/re]: then you won . the whole point of religion is to make sure you will never ‘win’ unless you remain an obedient child , and if you do that , then you’ve lost yourself

  54. And for the 25,000 people in America who are rendered blind every year because they can’t afford basic health care to treat their diabetes, Dear God, please smite them to protect our freedums.

  55. Will Glenn Beckians be like Ellen Jamesians? Instead of cutting off their tongues will they poke out their own eyes in solidarity with their leader?

  56. hear no evil , see no evil and speak no evil – If limbaugh was supposed to go deaf , and beck is to lose his eyesight , then who is the 3rd ape who will go mute ? kinda writes itself …………

  57. Dear God,

    Bleck’s faith in whatever will see him through.

    On to bigger bidness.

    Stop making my president’s hair from going gray.

    Ok, thanks.


  58. [re=627808]proudgrampa[/re]: so was herbert hoover . quakers generally don’t go into politics ( or prostitution in general ). hoover did much better in war relief efforts after ww1 – in europe he is like a saint . but quakers don’t do saints either , usually . james dean was encouraged by the quaker community in which he was raised to be all he could be , and except for the car accident , he did ok .

  59. [re=627808]proudgrampa[/re]: (sigh) Yes. You just had to go there…

    To be fair, IIRC he was raised in the fundie “programmed” strain (i.e. unprogrammed = the pacifist, sitting in silence without preacher or scripture Quakers)

  60. [re=627786]rmjag[/re]: Oh, if it’s Sarah, I honestly will go to confession and then go to church. Well . . . once.

    To be free of the half-literate word salad! Oh, god, make it so!

  61. [re=627850]Darkness[/re]: like vivien leigh was born to play scarlette o’hara , and gloria swanson was born to play norma desmond , sarah was born to play the third monkey …

  62. Becky will become a white Geordi La Forge, but with the skill to goose the warp engines to out run the Borg. And in that lies the tragedy. Picard out.

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