Wait, what’s this? A newish web-sight from Our American Prezzzident? It is called Healthcare.gov, and it is a special place where you and your best friends can learn more about interesting things. Did you know that it is foolish to eat congealed bacon grease for every meal and then whine about how you can’t fit into a string bikini at your local oily beach of doom?
The White House Blog has a lot to say about this new website, the Healthcare.gov (which has actually been online for like a couple months or something, whatever, perhaps it already had its “soft-launch” and this is its “hard-launch,” right here, on the Wonkette). Mrs. Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden even put up a neato snuff film for you to watch, in which they softly and seductively whisper the virtues of Healthcare.gov to innocent American children. I am a huge Michelle Obama fangirl (I have all the trade paperbacks AND the single issues!) but I must remind all of you that Grampa Joe Biden’s wife is also smoking hot. She is kind of like your Cindy McCain, with more Medical Training and less Glassy-Eyed Stare. Also, ha-ha, she is soon to be an Emmy-nominated actress, on the porn show for women whose husbands are deployed to Iraqistan!
Anyway, so after I watched Michelle and Jill roll out their saleswomanly charms, I tore myself away from the White House Blog for a moment (farewell for now, Arun Chaudhary!) and ventured over to this so-called “Healthcare.gov.” And boy, what a magical wonderland awaited me upon my arrival! Here is the first thing one sees when one goes to Healthcare.gov:
Ha-ha, this is not a real screenshot from that website. Alas, the real Healthcare.gov is just a bunch of boring and maybe-helpful information about Insurance Options, Prevention (of Fattie Disease, mostly) and other stuff. Go to it if you must, for a second, and then return to your Wonkette. Laughter is the best medicine! Or did you not know this, because of Nobama’s many terrible lies? [Healthcare.gov]
{ 35 comments }
Cocaine toothache drops are good for what ails you.
Is the baby picture a rendering of a potential Sara/Barry love child?
I too received Michelle’s email yesterday telling me to visit this website. Sadly since I do actually have insurance and am not imminently in danger of losing it, nor am I particularly overweight (odd how being a pescitarian for 15 years and enjoying long walks keeps the flab down), it is of little help to me. I was hoping to see some “let’s get physical” workout video remakes starring Mrs. O and Mrs. B (who I bet would both look way hotter in spandex than Madonna in her awful “Hung Up” song) but alas there were none. So I give it half a whore diamond, at best. Sorry Admin, you gotta do better than that to keep us unwashed masses interested.
Wherever it comes from, that baby is very creepy looking, the uncanny valley in action.
I look forward to a massage from a squirrel. I think.
Information given freely is socialism. It is the sign of the socialacalypse.
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAS BORING WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!
It’s simple, really. Avoid eating in places named ‘Blimpies’, (that should be obvious), and have an avacado sandwich on sprouted wheat bread with hummis for lunch. You should be able to easily outrun all the redneck teabaggers who want to burn you for being a communist.
Best Blingee? Or Best Blingee ever?
Hot off the Palin Tweet Machine:
“By med’cine life may be prolonged, yet death panels Will seize the doctor too.”
You’ll fit in just fine here, Ms. Benincasa. You’ll fit in just fine.
Oh silly Sara. That is why string bikinis were INVENTED – so you can simply loosen the strings and keep wearing the suit after your bacon-grease-fast. No one will pay attention to all your seeping muffin-topped fat rolls anyway, they’re all too busy looking at the birds soaked in oil. So who cares if what was once a real swimsuit is now a thong suit? USA! USA! USA!
Squirrel Sex Workers…I had hoped I wouldn’t live to see it.
[re=621091]chascates[/re]: Tincture of laudanum also. In fact the two can be combined to excellent effect.
[re=621094]CivicHoliday[/re]: Flab may be down, but when the mercury and cadmium kick in, you’ll be sorreeee!
The kid’s got the forehead, excuse me, fivehead of Sputnik.
They ought to cut down the Spirit of St. Louis and hang an image of this blingee in its place. I am captivated by it.
“youporn?” Is this something I should check out? I have heard of “xtube” and “porntube,” but not this “youporn.”
“Laughter is the best medicine!”
Yes, when my grandfather fell off the roof and broke his back, the doctor prescribed laughter. Ha ha, good times!
paregoric > coke drops
[re=621093]MLHencken[/re]: Oh, no, that is my baby with feminist superstar Chris Brown.
Anything on that site about bleeding rectums and yellowing skin? A friend of mine needs to know.
[re=621130]Sara Benincasa[/re]: I dunno – seems to have more of a post-Lasik Kim Jong-il thing goin’.
[re=621101]Oldskool[/re]: Was that squirrel a masseuse or a chiropractor?
[re=621094]CivicHoliday[/re]: Was it the pescitarians who split from the Missouri synod or something over ordaining hobbit priests and recognizing same sects marriages? News is hard…
I hope the squirrel got a “happy ending”
[re=621130]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Zygote, activate!
Damn government run healthcare — or should I say “deathcare”? — with the compassion of the IRS and the efficiency of the postal service. But wait a second, the postal service delivers billions of letters, going everywhere in the country every day (except Sunday). And the IRS … well, the postal guy waves to me.
Maybe if we had government healthcare with the compassion and efficiency of the military. Wouldn’t that be sweet? It’s kinda the same thing: doctors protect us from invading fat atoms and the army protects us from invading muslins; hospitals save hearts and minds, the army wins hearts and minds. The only important difference is that we’re individually responsible for our healthcare whereas the military is a collective institution, paid for by everyone via the IRS.
Seriously, that squirrel GIF may be the cutest thing ever.
[re=621176]pirate king of the Jews[/re]: Oh, I’m sure he got his nuts off. (insert rimshot here)
[re=621124]sezme[/re]: Do Teabagger doctors prescribe anger? KEEPS THE HEART MOVING GRR SOSHULISM
I assure you that Mrs. John McCain has had plenty of medical “training”, if by “training” you mean training in the parlance of a certain popular German DVD series.
Love the “smoking can be healthy” ad so coincidentally placed here. It’s like someone knew that this story was about health! (Or maybe the “smoking hot” reference is what got ‘em.)
The Tea Bagger ObamaCare sign just doesn’t get near enough airtime. It should be mandatory that every news program that has a Tea Bagger on, claiming they are not a racist organization, should show it.
[re=621122]Prommie[/re]: Is this something I should check out?
Now you’re just being provocative in a teasy, flirty way. (Just don’t tease the panther. I teased the panther once and it got grumpy for the rest of the day. All I said was “Too bad you’re not one of those New Black Panthers over on Fox News”, using a certain inflection in my voice.)
The Mrs Obama/Dr Mrs Biden video would have been way funnier if they had sitting between them the skeevy smoking doctor lady from the “Smoking is Good For You” ads nodding her head, saying, “Oh fer sure. Yah, totally.”
My doctor looks a lot like the one in the picture. He/she sells me amulets and prescribes some funny tasting herbs. Should I be worried?
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