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Gaze into her eyes, and know God. Maureen Dowd is the LeBron James of Pulitzer Prize-winning New York Times Op-Ed writers: powerful, skilled, and very, very black. This Sunday, her Op-Ed thingy was filled with her many opinions about her basketball-playing doppelganger. You know, most human beings would jump at the chance to leave Cleveland for Miami, especially after spending 7 years in a row there. However, our MoDo is a sainted creature akin to one of the cherubim, and she would obviously not do this thing that LeBron has done. But before we delve into Mo Diggity’s mind-blowing insights about this person who bounces and throws a ball for a living, let’s examine what she might have otherwise chosen to discuss in this, her coveted, well-read weekly spot on the Paper of Record’s most fun page. Let us draw these potentially “important subjects” from the newspaper that still employs her.

1. Immigration! Did you know that our nation’s Democratic gubernatorial personages are Very Concerned about the Obama Administration’s case against Arizona? They say it might be a time-waster as we head toward the midterm elections. Maybe right now the Party of the Donkeys ought to focus on jobs, jobs, jobs, since that is what people are needing, in America. This is a thing that could be discussed, by a very talented writer with a very excellent headshot who has a lifetime of great contacts who would probably leak Controversial or at least Interesting Quotes to her.

2. Pakistan! What a wacky place, right? What a strange relationship we have with this country. We pay these people more than $1 billion a year for the right to play our war games along their border with Afghanistan, but still they do not love us. Why is this? Are we doing the right thing over there, in that place, the one near India? This is a fascinating and complex subject that an acclaimed columnist could tackle and translate in a way that makes sense to us, The Common American People!

3. The World Cup! I think it ended, or something, after Maureen’s deadline. But! A curiously touching post could still have been written, about the Spectacle and Wonder and Societal Implications of it all. Since MoDo seems to be a sports fan, why not focus on how sports can unite a nation, bring joy to the impoverished and the rich alike, and provide a more intriguing and vibrant international exchange than even the stupid Olympics?

4. The Gays, again! In a good and fun column from June, Mo Deezy injected sexy humor and good times into a rundown of the fight to repeal Prop. 8. This column was light and breezy but also smart and thoughtful. She should write about The Gays more often! Or just re-run this column when she cannot think of anything better!

Ugh, but instead we get a bunch of boring words that everyone else has already written about a bajillionaire young man’s kajillionaire move to a city of very spicy megalokrillionaires. Does she even use the subject as a way to weave in a message about the differences between Cleveland and Miami, a downtrodden yet noble Rust Belt town vs. a vibrant, glamorous cultural hub, Old America vs. New America?

No. She just shits on LeBron James, the same way every sportswriter and sports radio host and TV sports analyst has done in the past few days. Quite frankly, it’s too boring even to excerpt here. It’s almost enough to make me defect from Our Lady of the Undead to theatrical Gawker impresario Jim Newell’s girlfriend, Peggy Noonan. At least that Irish-Catholic dame Of a Certain Age knows how to entertain us.

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