Gaze into her eyes, and know God. Maureen Dowd is the LeBron James of Pulitzer Prize-winning New York Times Op-Ed writers: powerful, skilled, and very, very black. This Sunday, her Op-Ed thingy was filled with her many opinions about her basketball-playing doppelganger. You know, most human beings would jump at the chance to leave Cleveland for Miami, especially after spending 7 years in a row there. However, our MoDo is a sainted creature akin to one of the cherubim, and she would obviously not do this thing that LeBron has done. But before we delve into Mo Diggity’s mind-blowing insights about this person who bounces and throws a ball for a living, let’s examine what she might have otherwise chosen to discuss in this, her coveted, well-read weekly spot on the Paper of Record’s most fun page. Let us draw these potentially “important subjects” from the newspaper that still employs her.

1. Immigration! Did you know that our nation’s Democratic gubernatorial personages are Very Concerned about the Obama Administration’s case against Arizona? They say it might be a time-waster as we head toward the midterm elections. Maybe right now the Party of the Donkeys ought to focus on jobs, jobs, jobs, since that is what people are needing, in America. This is a thing that could be discussed, by a very talented writer with a very excellent headshot who has a lifetime of great contacts who would probably leak Controversial or at least Interesting Quotes to her.

2. Pakistan! What a wacky place, right? What a strange relationship we have with this country. We pay these people more than $1 billion a year for the right to play our war games along their border with Afghanistan, but still they do not love us. Why is this? Are we doing the right thing over there, in that place, the one near India? This is a fascinating and complex subject that an acclaimed columnist could tackle and translate in a way that makes sense to us, The Common American People!

3. The World Cup! I think it ended, or something, after Maureen’s deadline. But! A curiously touching post could still have been written, about the Spectacle and Wonder and Societal Implications of it all. Since MoDo seems to be a sports fan, why not focus on how sports can unite a nation, bring joy to the impoverished and the rich alike, and provide a more intriguing and vibrant international exchange than even the stupid Olympics?

4. The Gays, again! In a good and fun column from June, Mo Deezy injected sexy humor and good times into a rundown of the fight to repeal Prop. 8. This column was light and breezy but also smart and thoughtful. She should write about The Gays more often! Or just re-run this column when she cannot think of anything better!

Ugh, but instead we get a bunch of boring words that everyone else has already written about a bajillionaire young man’s kajillionaire move to a city of very spicy megalokrillionaires. Does she even use the subject as a way to weave in a message about the differences between Cleveland and Miami, a downtrodden yet noble Rust Belt town vs. a vibrant, glamorous cultural hub, Old America vs. New America?

No. She just shits on LeBron James, the same way every sportswriter and sports radio host and TV sports analyst has done in the past few days. Quite frankly, it’s too boring even to excerpt here. It’s almost enough to make me defect from Our Lady of the Undead to theatrical Gawker impresario Jim Newell’s girlfriend, Peggy Noonan. At least that Irish-Catholic dame Of a Certain Age knows how to entertain us.

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  1. Never have so many cared so much about so little.

    But seriously — Ms. Dowd needs those page hits to keep her job. And “Lebron James” is the 2d most searched term this week, after “nude world cup players.”

  2. It really must be a slow news summer with all of the media treating a free agent athlete moving to a new team as if it’s actually important news which requires discussion outside of the sports page. People, it’s not even news, much less important. Ah well, at least pretending something this trivial as news must mean the oil spill is over, along with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and our economy is humming along again.

  3. 5. Smearing Air Force leakers: The NYT has done a remarkable job of picking up on DoD smears of the private who leaked the Apache helicopter attack on civilians and reporters in Iraq. This has the advantage of allowing MoDow to even talk about how glorious being a Reporter is and how dangerous it is to find and explain the Truth.

    However, her paper has done the “Barney being played at detainees… isn’t that funny?” thing by repeating the charges against the fellow who leaked to Wikileaks and gone on to discuss the CD he used to do it. It was — giggle, giggle — Lady Gaga.

    No, Mawbreen has been phoning them in for a while. One gets the impression that she gets her news from the television. I can think of few worse insults to hurl at her.

  4. So she writes another hate-filled screed about a stud she is too old to even contemplate landing.

    There was a fable written about this. I’m tempted to name it, but that would mean linking Dowd to a fox, a comparison that is now about fifteen years out of date.

  5. Megakrillionaires? Dammit, if baleen whales are accumulating wealth now, I’m being outpaced by another goddamn species. All I can say, megakrillionaires, is that I might have to rethink this whole not-eating-meat thing and go all Herman Melville on your flukes. A living wage, that’s all I ask.

  6. [re=615230]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Megakrillionares
    Don’t worry, man. James Inhoffe has a plan. Global warming will eliminate all the krill stocks, and then we can worry about the megashrillionaires like SaraPAC again.

  7. OT, but I feel much better today knowing that Roman Polanski is free to bugger little girls again. Free at last, free at last, great God almighty he’s free at last.

  8. What a surprise. All those words and not a peep about the Palin Hookworm Conjecture. Who among the press will finally show the courage to speak out? No one it appears. No one…yet.

    [re=615222]weejee[/re]: And this week too, dammit. And this week too.

  9. I once saw a BookTV program about Mo’s book release party, which was held at her condo. The number of senators, Congress people, and famous reporters who were there…it was nauseating. And Mo did the kiss-kiss thing with all of them. The Congress people were sucking up to her big time. I didn’t watch BookTV for a little while after that.

    And, Sara, I disagree with your reading of her Prop 8 column, fwiw. I especially hated the aside about how the judge’s being gay might be cause for an appeal, without her challenging that. That shit drives me nuts.

  10. I didn’t read it. Was there a part about some Democrat being a girly-man who doesn’t excite her and is just kinda dull? I know the answer is yes. And I know it’s a cry for help. Poor dear.

  11. 6. Palin Hookworms! MoDo last summer wrote in her column that Palin has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Well that’s like a wart on the quitter-grifters ass compared to hookworms. And just see the firestorm Dowdy had to endure then. From Bill Kristol and Mark Levin!!
    Ms.Dowd tear down the MSM!!1!

  12. [re=615222]weejee[/re]: Thank you for telling that truth, which is being suppressed by the pro-asthma lobby infiltrating Wonkette.

  13. [re=615279]tribbzthesquidz[/re]: Seconded.

    Really, Sara, I’m glad you’re covering MoDo’s column, because she’s needed a good reality check for a while, but please, don’t encourage her to take on actual serious subjects! She always covers them with this irritating fake-hip insouciance, presenting middle-of-the-road-common-sensical solutions in a way that just makes me want to punch her in the blackberry, really.

  14. [re=615284]Mad Brahms[/re]: She’s actively anti-intellectual, in a “I’m to sexy and hip to be intellectual, thats for grinds and geeks” way.

  15. [re=615255]bago[/re]: We need to bombard Mo Dizzle and Labron and whales (and Wales) and everything else with this magical “soft laser” to see if we can make them fly or invisible or just delicious without all the calories. Why isn’t Mo Do writing about sciencey stuff and cool anti-ginger-aging technologies?

  16. How is this cow still employed, anyway? She’s older than me, albeit by only 2 days, and dey took my jerb over 3 years ago.

    At least she had the decency to put Mr. James’ name in the title of her piece, saving me from the indignity of giving her my page view.

  17. Oh and Sara, have you been visited yet by the agents from AIPAC-Mossad? I notice that among the list of interesting topics MoDo could have addressed, you leave out a certain small middle eastern country which, despite its small size, is only repsonsible for, oh, ALL of the foreign policy problems we face.

  18. Seriously, I was going to blarf all over the awe-inspiring nilpotence that is Maureen Dowd until I went into the office bathroom here this morning, and found there the Ted Nugent op-ed in the Washington Times which some one of my fine colleagues had thoughtfully left there.

    Peace, Maureen. Please try to write something more relevant next time.

  19. If writing disjointed, single sentence paragraphs ever becomes popular, Ms Dowd will be our Queen.

    Pushing top of mind notions forward at the speed of newsprint.

    A future with no men cuts her audience in half, but only the half that invests time in thoughts no deeper than a flat panel screen.

    Cyber-thoughts appearing before us as just pixels.

  20. Despite her physique, you’ve managed to write an entire entry without even once using the word “wallow,” or some derivative.
    Who’s not trying?

  21. [re=615241]Katydid[/re]: That’s what turned you off on BookTV? I think the fact that it’s called “BookTV” turned me off, as it did for all real Trucknutz loving ‘Murikans.

    Well, that and the fact that the TV appears to be permanently stuck on “Spongebob Squarepants”, as there’s a horrible screeching whiny sound whenever it goes on another channel. It sounds like “WHEN CAN WE WATCH ONE OF MY SHOWS! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!”. I think I need to get the TV checked out.

  22. Tsk, tsk, young woman. Disrespect your elders, much? Obviously we need to set up a PAC to stop ginger-on-ginger hateration. Just take solace in the fact that this woman hasn’t produced anything viable-be it words or ova- in quite a long time.

  23. Jest read Mo’s Vanity Fair piece about Saudi Arabia, in which she writes about flying on the Saudi air line with a cross on her forehead because it was Ash Wednesday. I want her to write about why she puts ashy crosses on her forehead. Is she channeling the Manson family, who used to do that for real with actual cuts instead of ashes, or is she like a total Jeebus freak? And if Jeebus said so, would she put an ashy cross on her twat?

  24. [re=615446]hiphophitler[/re]:
    Did you just want to set up an easy joke by juxtaposing “ashy cross” and “twat?” Because if you did, well friggin’ done.

  25. [re=615246]Tube City[/re]: I didn’t read it. Was there a part about some Democrat being a girly-man who doesn’t excite her and is just kinda dull? I know the answer is yes. And I know it’s a cry for help. Poor dear.

    Yeah but wasnt it super exciting having the worst terrorist attack on Merika, a war on false pretenses and the worst economy since the great depression? I just hope MoDowd’s panties got a little moist when W landed on the aircraft carrier. The really depressing part is knowing MILFs with rapidly approaching expiration dates like Dowd and Dame Noonington, are well payed to write their garbage.

  26. [re=615241]Katydid[/re]: I knew Vaugh Walker before he became a Judge, when we both worked at the same law firm in SF. And I’ve read a lot of his opinions as a Judge.

    He was and is a gentleman, an excellent lawyer, and a fair and impartial jurist (albeit with a libertarian bent).

    Who or what he fucks is none of MoDo’s business, and she was a Complete Cunt to publicize that he’s a Butt Pirate. (And I don’t care if that P.O.S., Fit-Only-For-Lining Kitty Litter Boxes San Francico Chronicle published it first.)

  27. You know it takes a very special Op-Ed writer to come up with this gem in 1999 “Al Gore is so feminized and diversified and ecologically correct that he’s practically lactating.” Then 10 years later write he should of went with his passion on the environment. Contradicting yourself like that has to earn some kind of Glenn Beck award.

  28. [re=615666]Sara Benincasa[/re]:
    For the handle props, danke (rah rah for horrible’90s vagina euphemisms!) And I apologize for coming at you for red-on-red crime. But! Poor Reenie. Really, she has stayed too long at the dance. Pithy, young, intelligent, and observant ladies like yourself are the new standard-bearers; leave this dusty old bird alone with her book o’ clippings from a better time.

  29. [re=615815]nappyduggs[/re]: Oh, it is okay! The only reason I am quietly obsessed with her is that I actually think she has great talent that she is not using. I think of each of these posts as a plea to her to kick it in gear and be THE WOMAN I KNOW SHE IS, INSIDE.

  30. “Peggy Noonan. At least that Irish-Catholic dame Of a Certain Age knows how to entertain us.”

    No she doesn’t. I’d stick with Red.

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