they wouldn't have been able to handle normandy

Poll: American Women Unaware Nation’s Beaches And Wildlife Are Too Tough To Let a Little Oil Bother Them

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Get off of me, Kenyan socialist traitor.Gallup wanted to find out how the Gulf’s ecosystem will react to the oil spill, so they decided to ask the experts, the American public. And according to poll results released today, American women think beaches and animals in the region will be profoundly affected by the oil spill, whereas American men know that stuff will be JUST FINE, WHO CARES, NEXT QUESTION.

60 percent of women think some beaches will never recover, while just 37 percent of men do. 65 percent of women said some species will never return to their previous levels, compared to 52 percent of men, which for the purposes of this CNN blog post on the oil spill gender-gap is not a majority. One gender is obviously dumb and wrong here! THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES RAGES ON.

Why do women think our beaches and sea creatures are weak? Perhaps they didn’t pay attention in civics class (too busy trying in vain to understand science and math), but America and its swimming holes and critters are STRONG and will ALWAYS BE STRONG. Everyone should stop talking about the oil spill because it’s not going to affect anything.

Women should stop complaining and learn to deal with there being a little oil on beaches. Oil is black, so perhaps they can roll in it and make themselves look slimmer in their bathing suits. Meanwhile, any pelican covered in oil who is worth his salt is going to MAN UP and walk it off.

SO YES, obviously men know what’s right, except Obama, who’s not as tough as real Americans such as our nation’s patriot beaches and wildlife. [CNN Political Ticker]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    This is probably my favorite Wonkette post ever.

  • Tommmcatt

    Plus, “never” is a long time. Fuddgedaboudit.

  • McDuff

    Since Obama’s already black, how will we know that he’s truely had a “hands-on” experience with BP’s oil? How can he even show his toughness if we can’t see his oil-stained hands, feet, and buttocks?

  • ms_mcgee

    Yet 100% of men care about plugging the hole.

  • Mr Blifil

    I blame the Discovery Channel. Or WWF. One or the other.

  • AxmxZ

    The End of Men, indeed.

  • I Heart Accuracy

    So who’s always depicted slipping on the banana peel? Hint: TESTICLEEEZ

  • comicbookguy

    60% of men had to go fill up their 4×4 with gas.

  • JMP

    An extinct species can’t recover its previous population levels, so “never” is accurate there. But the wording of this poll is not exactly very good; not to mention that the oil does not care about public opinion.

  • bago

    Sometimes it gets all over the belly, hair, etc. That’s what showers are for.

  • One Yield Regular

    Yeah, well, just wait until the first oil-soaked MANatee challenges the conventional wisdom.

  • An Outhouse

    As a dude who maintains cars, I’ve changed my share of oil in my life. Of course, you occasionally swallow a quart but, hey, I’m still here. Man up, turtles. Especially you baby turtles. What a bunch of pussies.

  • madtowngooner

    Let us not forget what George Carlin said: The earth will be fine; it’s people that will be fucked

  • germansteel

    In another highly respected and totally reliable poll of the “expert” American public – in other words, “bulbous mass of overpoweringly offensive underarm-ey smelling, church-learned, fact-and-intelligence starved, Dorito nacho cheese stained wretches and wretcherettes who have no more science background than a Lousiana swamp rat” – 75% believe Sarah Palin and Trig know how to clean up the mess and will do so if elected co-Presidents, for life.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Men are from Exxon, Women are from Greenpeace

  • comicbookguy

    Look, doctors have been telling us to drink 8 glasses of oil a day, and now all of the sudden it’s bad for you? I’ll never believe science again.

  • bureaucrap

    I, for one, salute our patriotic, courageous, American wildlife. When we took on the Krauts at Normandy, did you see any Russian Bears or English swallows storming Omaha Beach with us? ‘Nuff said. European animals are wimps. That’s why you see french pigeons nibbling delicately at their baguette crumbs instead of scarfing down gobs of Wonder Bread like they oughta.


    A woman thinking of an oil covered bird says, “Poor little critter. I wish I could save him.”

    A man thinking of an oil covered bird says, “Fried chicken! Where’s the mashed potatoes and gravy?”

  • PsycGirl

    To paraphrase Rush Limbaugh (I think, I’m too lazy to look it up): If the pelicans, turtles, crayfish, shrimp, crabs,otters, seagulls etc can’t adapt, screw ’em.

  • Jim89048

    [re=600103]One Yield Regular[/re]: Walrus, dumbass.
    I’m in favor of sending John Bolton down to the source of the leak. If he survives, he’s a witch and must be killed.

  • Mild Midwesterner

    My car runs better when I put oil in it. Therefore, the Gulf’s ecosystem will work better when we put oil in it. The logic is as infallible as the Pope.

  • edgydrifter

    Hell yeah. If anything, this whole deal has made dudes care even LESS about the ecovironwhatever. The other day I was changing the oil on my bike and I couldn’t find my drip pan in the garage. A few months ago, I would have gone down the street to the auto parts store and bought another. Now, I’m all “sucks to be you, Earth” and I let the old mungy oil run straight into the storm drain. So liberating! And then I set my front lawn on fire, because hey, why not? Fire rules.

  • ph7

    [re=600115]PsycGirl[/re]: Fair enough. Now, let’s see how he adapts to my baseball bat.

  • druranium

    This post immediately gave me a flashback to late April when I found myself perusing the oil clusterfuck articles and comments on the notorious self-congratulatory mansite reddit

    There was a plethora of “the microbez will eat all the oil idiot”, “the stronger animals will adapt and survive because, oil is nature”, “ixtoc happened in the seventies and everything was fine”.

    It was breathtakingly pathetic.

  • Sharkey

    Let us put men and women together, see which one is smarter,
    Some say men, but I say no, women got the men like a puppet show.

  • V572625694

    [re=600100]JMP[/re]: Nothing matters more than public opinion. Just ask any caller to any talk show, where they all begin by saying, “I have a comment about that,” as though anyone on earth gives a flying fuck what some random caller thinks. But in a way you can’t blame them, after hear see clueless lit- and journo-major teevee reporters trying to sound knowledgeable about oilfield techmologies, or any kind of science, or being even-handed about dispute the those who think life evolved from lower forms, and those who are morans.

  • Come here a minute

    American women just wish the beaches would be ruined for ever, because no that bathing suit does not make you look fat, you are too fat to wear that bathing suit.

  • SayItWithWookies

    By the sheerest coincidence, that’s the same proportion of men and women who would eat something they dropped on the floor. Of a restroom at Yankee stadium.

  • Clancy_Pants

    “Stupid beeches”

    (spoken in an over-the-top Tony Montana accent)


    Women are Elly May Clampett and Men are Jed Clampett.

  • ella

    What do we women know? After all, we get on with our lives when we have the sniffles. A full-blown cold even.

  • McDuff

    What some archaelogist say — 5,000 years from now when future archaelogists keep finding a layer of plastic over the buried remains of our civilization, we’ll be known as The Plastic People. Maybe Louisana will be a regarded as the home of a subtribe — the Oily People.

  • edgydrifter

    [re=600128]V572625694[/re]: And that is why “World Have Your Say” on BBC radio is the greatest nuwz program in the history of media–all the stupid shit you hear on American talk radio, plus ridiculous accents and terrible static.

  • actor212

    New slogan from the bayou:


  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=600114]BOOBIES![/re]: This is south Louisiana, son. The correct answer would be “A man sees an oil-covered bird and thinks ‘Shit, I could dunk that fucker in a couple gallons of boiling peanut oil, shoot it up with a syringe of Tony Chachere’s Cajun Injector, and throw myself a fais-do-do!”

  • One Yield Regular

    [re=600116]Jim89048[/re]: D’oh! Walrus. Of course. Manatees are those things in BP’s Arctic Spill Response Plan. My bad.

  • cheeto_jeebus

    So, one time I tried to change the oil in my truck and it was about 10º outside. Fuck it, it needed changing, so being a man i did the right thing. So the oil wouldn’t drain, fukkin’ Bitch. A blow torch heated it right up and presto it drained. What they need to do is freeze that shit. that’ll stop it. and you should be able to pick it up in big chunks too, yeah, just freeze it. Problem is you got a bunch of pansies dancing around out there with their pinkies sticking out while they sip tea and talk about what to do. Fuckin A. They probably wear shorts on saturdays with blazers and eat little sandwiches with the fucking crust cut off. Incompetent Nancy boy pooftas.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=600128]V572625694[/re]: I listen to talk radio many times a day. It would be only 1 or 2, if it were not for switching away to avoid ramming people off the road because of caller-induced rage. I mean, seriously, I could never do radio without special dispensation to become a serial killer.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=600148]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: Rand Paul works for BP?

  • V572625694

    [re=600157]Snarkalicious[/re]: [re=600139]edgydrifter[/re]: My absolute favorite driving-around-during-the-day thing on radio is Dr Laura, particularly when teh gheys call and spoof her. It’s awe-inspiring!

  • JMP

    [re=600146]One Yield Regular[/re]: No, the walrus was Paul.

  • cheeto_jeebus

    [re=600162]Snarkalicious[/re]: yeah, when he’s not cryin about people being mean. white bread curly headed titty baby.

  • comicbookguy

    Bad news. Nature has adapted and boy is she pissed.

  • I Heart Accuracy

    [re=600162]Snarkalicious[/re]: Rand Paul’s a poofter?


    Can we just stop asking the public’s opinion on, like everything? What the fuck does the public know? If we asked the “public” what two plus two is, I’m pretty confident we’ll get a depressingly broad spectrum of answers…

    …especially in the South.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=600185]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: All makers of dairy products, etc etc.

  • legalize everything

    Today, we are all women.

    Congratulations; for some of you this is the first time you’ve been right.

  • imissopus

    [re=600114]BOOBIES![/re]: Sarah Palin would like a word with you in her private jet.

  • jus_wonderin

    [re=600188]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: Fore?

  • Katydid

    It’s to do with the boobs. The boobs make us soft in the head.

  • Beowoof

    Wth most men spending their time watching MMA and porn most of the time, this poll doesn’t surprise me. However, it does leave me wondering whether I shoud TapOut of American society and move to France.

  • Beowoof

    [re=600248]Katydid[/re]: Really, I thought when it came to boobs they made men soft in the head and hard in the drawers.

  • Katydid

    [re=600269]Beowoof[/re]: Well, yes, that too. How you doin’?

  • Sharkey

    [re=600148]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: You know, that’s really not a bad idea.

  • llibra

    [re=600091]ms_mcgee[/re]: all they think about, doncha know?

  • plowman

    Just ate the last Gulf Coast shrimp Saturday night and the last Gulf Coast walrus is hanging (you have to age them to perfection) out back right now…

  • Mad Farmer Manifest

    Shouldn’t the pelicans drake-up, rather man-up? Let’s be precise with our language, people! But definitely, walk it off, put some Icy-Hot on it, and get back in there for the second half.

  • Mad Farmer Manifest

    Maybe someone needs to just get right down next to those oil covered birds and say: “Get up! C’mon! Are you a peli-can or a peli-can’t?”

  • cheeto_jeebus

    [re=600272]Sharkey[/re]: Look it that! Liquid gases are cool!

  • Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=600306]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: “drake-up, rather THAN man-up”
    Way to be precise, dumbass.

  • TGY

    Can’t they find some expert experts? Who cares what a bunch of pole-answering rubes think.


    [re=600240]jus_wonderin[/re]: Oh, well done, I salute you!

  • pirate of blackwater

    Sigh… let me incite logic. This is only GOOD for our patriotic sealife. By Darwin’s law, this will only make them stronger and thirstier (haha ) for freedom! A few more oil spills, we will all be C’thulued by the new REAL ‘MERICANS.

    I for one, welcome our new, tasty overlords.

  • Beowoof

    [re=600271]Katydid[/re]: I am afflicted with that soft/hard condition as I think of boobs almost all day.

  • ragecupcake

    ken, this is why i read this blog every day, and probably why i am still sane- thank you

  • aflurry

    Ladies, please. Just think of it as a free sample packet of spray-on tan.