OH BOY  3:39 pm June 1, 2010

by Jim Newell

What is this even implying?NEW POLL FINDS THAT AMERICANS DON’T KNOW STUFF: Did you know that a large portion of the United States citizenry doesn’t know shit about anything? According to Internet thing FindLaw.com, “Nearly two-thirds of Americans cannot name any members of the U.S. Supreme Court.” Which is not really a huge problem, because Americans don’t vote for Supreme Court justices (directly), and Supreme Court justices are SUPPOSED to keep to themselves. But still jesus fuck. [PR Newswire]

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you cannot be serious June 1, 2010 at 3:43 pm

But we can name all of the flavors that Doritos come in.

rafflesinc June 1, 2010 at 3:43 pm

More disturbing: Clarence Thomas is the most well known justice

Lascauxcaveman June 1, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Let’s see: There’s Huey, Dewey, Louie, Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, Casper, Popeye, Bugs, Tweety, Sylvester, TinTin, Scalia, Alito, and Clarence.

That’s all twelve of them, right?

JMP June 1, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Hey now, I can name all the Supreme Court Judges! Why, there’s Judge Mathis, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Wapner, Judge Judy, Judge Stern Black Lady, and Judge Harold T. Stone.

Sharkey June 1, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Is Rovie Wade still on the bench?

Lucidamente June 1, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Judge Dredd?

ph7 June 1, 2010 at 3:47 pm

66% of the populace can’t name a Supreme Court justice, but the majority of those same supreme court justices expect 100% of the populace to be able to articulate their constitutional right against self incrimination.

pirate king of the Jews June 1, 2010 at 3:48 pm

We know all the judges on “American Idol” that’s good, right?

Ted June 1, 2010 at 3:50 pm

@JMP: [re=588663]JMP[/re]: You forgot Judge Reinhold.

Sharkey June 1, 2010 at 3:51 pm

They don’t know my name – why should I remember theirs?

rottenart June 1, 2010 at 3:51 pm

Supreme what now?

Duz Itayew June 1, 2010 at 3:52 pm

Judge Fudge! But he’s too bust being chocolatey.

Duz Itayew June 1, 2010 at 3:54 pm

[re=588679]Duz Itayew[/re]: **busY**

Lucidamente June 1, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Let’s not forget:

KATIE COURIC: What other Supreme Court decisions [besides Roe v. Wade] do you disagree with?

SNOWBILLY GRIFTER: Well, let’s see. There’s –of course –in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings, there’s never going to be absolute consensus by every American. And there are — those issues, again, like Roe v Wade where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So you know — going through the history of America, there would be others but–”

KC: Can you think of any?

SG: Well, I could think of — of any again, that could be best dealt with on a more local level. Maybe I would take issue with. But you know, as mayor, and then as governor and even as a Vice President, if I’m so privileged to serve, wouldn’t be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today.”

germansteel June 1, 2010 at 3:54 pm

An even more amazing statistic is that the same 2/3 who cannot name a single Supreme Court Justice are extremely confident that that nutjob Arizona law (a/k/a The Enshrinement of Bigotry Act) is absolutely and posifuckingtively Constitutional. And, the MSM has no hesitancy in citing their stupidity with perfect confidence that it means something.

One Yield Regular June 1, 2010 at 3:54 pm

I got Diana Ross and Mary Wilson. Anybody else get more than two?

Duz Itayew June 1, 2010 at 3:54 pm

[re=588679]Duz Itayew[/re]: OK… all around fail. :-(

gurukalehuru June 1, 2010 at 3:55 pm

Diana Ross

Doglessliberal June 1, 2010 at 3:55 pm

[re=588665]Sharkey[/re]: Barely. Miranda Varizona apparently is not long for this world, either.

Prommie June 1, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Its a wonder they get their food into the right hole, but from the size of the average Murrican, its clear they can do that, at least.

Sometimes I consider just sitting down and hitting myself in the head with a hammer until I cause so much brain-damaged that I end up being at, say, the 30th percentile in intelligence. Just clever enough to “go on disability,” that most tranquil of all careers, so I can just hang around the trailer drinking Old Milwaukee all day. I’d have trucknutz on my truck, too, you Betcha, also.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 1, 2010 at 3:56 pm

They are Sneezy, Dopey, Meatball, Shaggy, Velma, Sulu, Darth, Rosie Perez and Jesus Christ, right?

FMA June 1, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Wait a minute. There’s a justice named Sotomayor? And she’s a chick? Get the fuck outta here.

Doglessliberal June 1, 2010 at 3:57 pm

[re=588687]Prommie[/re]: That result sounds appealing at times, but let’s find a more pleasant path. How about massive brain damage caused by ODing on some fun thing?

JMP June 1, 2010 at 3:58 pm

[re=588660]rafflesinc[/re]: Proving public hair on a coke is the best reminder.

[re=588674]Ted[/re]: “My name is Judge”; how could I forget?

gurukalehuru June 1, 2010 at 3:58 pm

[re=588683]One Yield Regular[/re]: snap

rottenart June 1, 2010 at 3:59 pm

[re=588683]One Yield Regular[/re]: Rob Liefeld?

Suds McKenzie June 1, 2010 at 3:59 pm

In a related poll. 78% of Merkins could name 5 day time Tee Vee Judges.

FMA June 1, 2010 at 3:59 pm

[re=588692]Doglessliberal[/re]: Such as huffing paint?

x111e7thst June 1, 2010 at 4:00 pm

[re=588687]Prommie[/re]: You will also need a lawn chair. For the teabagger protests you will be attending.

Lascauxcaveman June 1, 2010 at 4:01 pm

[re=588689]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: YOU FORGOT POLAND.

Doglessliberal June 1, 2010 at 4:02 pm

[re=588697]FMA[/re]: I was thinking acid.

V572625694 June 1, 2010 at 4:02 pm

[re=588687]Prommie[/re]: But could you afford enough cable channels with just disability? This is why you have to work the trifecta: unemployment, workmans’ comp and disability. Not many have what it takes to achieve this level of economic satori.

rottenart June 1, 2010 at 4:02 pm

[re=588692]Doglessliberal[/re]: [re=588697]FMA[/re]: Chemical dispersant?

Mr Blifil June 1, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Wait, don’t know their names, or don’t know the names they cry out when their pool boys are rogering the bejeezus out of them? Because the latter I can sort of understand.

SayItWithWookies June 1, 2010 at 4:03 pm

The reason they can’t name a member of the Supreme Court is that they’re too busy yelling “Read the Constitution!” as the answer to all the questions.

Okie Dokie Dog June 1, 2010 at 4:05 pm

A true American patriot takes pride in their ignorance of all things unteabaggy
or not in the Bible. The Conservative Bible – not that liberal one.

Prommie June 1, 2010 at 4:07 pm

[re=588692]Doglessliberal[/re]: I’ve been trying forever, but all I get are some alarming liver enzyme results.

proudgrampa June 1, 2010 at 4:07 pm

Well, I didn’t know that.

Mumbletypeg June 1, 2010 at 4:08 pm

We’re also, according to Yahoo!’s breaking headlines this morning, beyond hopeless in our driving skillz. Meh – those stats are mostly the olds’ fault.

Extemporanus June 1, 2010 at 4:08 pm

From Wikipedia, this might explain why so few Americans know their names:

“[The nine] wore their rings long enough that their physical forms faded until they had become entirely invisible to mortal eyes. They assumed visible form only with their black robes.”

El Pinche June 1, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Judge Judy and Judge Maury?

[re=588681]Lucidamente[/re]: I heard if you read that last block of words by Palin over and over again, it opens up a vortexial gateway to a demonic world where pleasure and pain are indivisible.

Botswana Meat Commission FC June 1, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Judge Rheinhold, Judge Mills Lane, Judge Wapner, Harry Anderson, Uncle Phil, Buford T. Justice, Simon Cowell, Lance Ito… AND CLARENCE THOMAS.

JMP June 1, 2010 at 4:10 pm

[re=588666]Lucidamente[/re]: Don’t be silly now; he’s the top Judge in Britain.

mumblyjoe June 1, 2010 at 4:10 pm

Easy: Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Happy, Grumpy, Doc.

Which title applies to whitch Justice is an exercise left to the reader. And yes, you may reuse them or apply them to more than one Justice.

13ollocks To The Rules June 1, 2010 at 4:10 pm

I can’t believe no-one has mentioned the most arse-kicking Judge of all – Judge Dredd “I AM the Law!!”

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2010 at 4:12 pm

[re=588701]V572625694[/re]: Do you have any tips on how to achieve that? I certainly don’t have what it takes to get a job, so maybe this form of economic satori could be my answer. A Website? … a book not written by someone dressed up like Uncle Sam??

What Fresh Hell is This? June 1, 2010 at 4:18 pm

34% of Americans believe in ghosts and 34% believe in UFOs. 29% believe in astrology and 25% believe in reincarnation.

Ours is a nation of Gumps.

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2010 at 4:19 pm

BTW, Florence Ballard is the Supreme y’all forget and she’s almost as sad a story as our current highest Court.

El Pinche June 1, 2010 at 4:19 pm

My wingnut dad respects stupidity and ignorance (aka “common sense”). He thinks “academia” is evil because the “liberals have a stranglehold on our higher education which they fill with hoaxes.” Thanks to 25 years of FoxNews and AM radio, this college educated, VietVet is now mildly retarded.

Extemporanus June 1, 2010 at 4:26 pm

[re=588693]JMP[/re]: “Proving public hair on a coke is the best reminder.”


Doglessliberal June 1, 2010 at 4:27 pm

[re=588724]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: half do not believe in Evolution.

snoidoid June 1, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Must be summer. Skoalrebel took off his shirt.

V572625694 June 1, 2010 at 4:33 pm

[re=588717]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Well, a guy where I work claimed that sitting at his computer and clicking the mouse made him so sick he couldn’t masturbate. That got him on disability. Then he got “laid off” because he wouldn’t work. That got him on unemployment. Then he claimed he was permanently disabled by the torture the company was putting him through, plus there was no poster telling him what doctor to call when he was injured (he worked out of his own home). So he filed for WC. Got a $19K settlement–paid at $12.50/week for the next 22 years.

The downside is, you gotta get a job first. There’s always a catch.

Real DC Native June 1, 2010 at 4:35 pm

[re=588710]Extemporanus[/re]: And Cheney has the other ring, right?

rocktonsammy June 1, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Are those polled Gawker reaDERS?

Prommie June 1, 2010 at 4:36 pm

[re=588746]V572625694[/re]: Thats some catch, that catch-22.

Pat Pending June 1, 2010 at 4:40 pm

ok, this is how nerdy I am: while I’m driving, I drill myself not only on the justices’ names, but who appointed them and what year.

Tommmcatt June 1, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Peter, right?

Zadig June 1, 2010 at 4:41 pm


Naked Bunny with a Whip June 1, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Supreme Court Justices? Well, there’s Scalito, and what’s-her-name, Sarah Connor? And there’s probably a Bob Johnson there.

Real DC Native June 1, 2010 at 4:42 pm

I may not know the names of all the Supreme Court Justices but I know too many of them a Jewish (Pat Buchanan).

slappypaddy June 1, 2010 at 4:45 pm

[re=588734]Doglessliberal[/re]: they are the less-evolved half.

mumblyjoe June 1, 2010 at 4:45 pm

[re=588714]mumblyjoe[/re]: Everyone give up?

Well, highlight below to see the secret answers!

Roberts: Grumpy, Doc
Alito: Grumpy, Doc, Dopey
Scalia: Grumpy, Doc
Thomas: Grumpy, Doc, Dopey, Sleepy
Kennedy: Grumpy, Doc, Bashful
Sotomayor: Grumpy, Doc
Stevens: Grumpy, Doc, Sleepy
Ginsburg: Grumpy, Doc, Happy, Bashful
Breyer: Grumpy, Doc, Sneezy, Happy

jingajo June 1, 2010 at 4:53 pm

Isn’t Bret Michaels going to be one of them?

nappyduggs June 1, 2010 at 4:59 pm

I suppose it is only right that those of us ladies who have had umpteen abortions find out the names of the brave men and woman (?) who made them all possible- just to say, “Hey; thanks for all of those abortions.”

Oldskool June 1, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Damn, one percent can name all nine. That can’t be right.

snideinplainsight June 1, 2010 at 5:03 pm

See, my wife and I were trying to come up with a new seven dwarves yesterday;

crunchy, sleazy, geeky, Christ-ey, gay-guy, and jock

for the life of me, I can’t remember the last one to save my life.

sezme June 1, 2010 at 5:10 pm

My guess: Trig, Track, Tripp, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Buttsex, Trucknutz, and “Ken Layne”

snideinplainsight June 1, 2010 at 5:16 pm

I’m choosing to exert my right to remain silent.

lawrenceofthedesert June 1, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Why should I name ‘em when they got names a’ready?!? And that’s the least flattering picture I ever saw of Tony Scalia — looks different with his brown shirt off.

Abou Diaby June 1, 2010 at 6:17 pm

I always have trouble remembering Bryer and Stevens for some reason. But I promise I’ll remember from now on. Please don’t call me stupid.

chascates June 1, 2010 at 6:36 pm

And upon being asked for the name of one Cabinet member the most common answer was ‘Sarah Palin.’

slappypaddy June 1, 2010 at 6:51 pm

[re=588884]chascates[/re]: kitchen cabinet shoddily installed

Can O Whoopass June 1, 2010 at 7:16 pm

Judge Packer.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 1, 2010 at 9:23 pm

[re=588699]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: The Poles are a free an autonomous people. How could I have forgotten them?

One Flew Over the Wingnut June 1, 2010 at 9:23 pm

[re=588711]El Pinche[/re]: So in other words you get teleported to her bedroom?

One Flew Over the Wingnut June 1, 2010 at 9:38 pm

This sort of result is completely UNBELIEVABLE! I mean, how many teabaggers are there? As any of this group of elan thinkers can tell you especially in debate, they know more about ‘Merika than any of us do. So taking that logical claim and realizing it’s not the least bit representative of the fantastic coincidence of arrogance being inverse to knowledge, I imagine the teabaggers can not just name all nine, they also say they can recite the constitution word-for-word. I mean, they’re always smugly replying “read the constitution” when you challenge any of their silly claims. We should now all bow our heads to the extreme supremacy of conservatism which tells us inequality is freedom, white is always right and ignorance is true enlightenment.

Heh, heh a bit off topic but I got into a political argument with a ‘bagger about the Constitutionality of the Az “burn the browns” Law and looking at me with his mismatched yet eerily close together eyes he told me “I’ve forgotten more about ‘Merika and ‘Merikan history than you’ll ever know, commie”, which of course meant he was automatically right and the Arizona Bigots-only law is COMPLETELY constitutional. Of course this same ‘bagger during our argument mocked college educated people, calling them stupid; what with his eighth grade education he could tell all who would hear how Reagan won the cold war, the GOP won WWII and that the secessionist South was run by liberals thus making all of us the real racists; not wingnuts. huzzah to homeschooling, it really will save us all!

One Flew Over the Wingnut June 1, 2010 at 9:42 pm

You buncha commies and yer hand-wrangin’ over ‘Merikan ignurnce. It’s good that nobody knows who this Supreme, uh…Supreme…mmm, pizza. Now what I was yellin’ at you ’bout? All we’s needs to know about that there Supreme…mmm, pizza we can have us told by thems there great truth-tellers at Fox and Jesus’s mother…Sarah Palin. Now get off ma lawn and leave ma pink flam-ingo’s alowne!

smitallica June 1, 2010 at 10:18 pm

[re=588726]El Pinche[/re]: I always love that argument. The colleges are just liberal factories. Yet somehow, we still have the College Republicans, all the super-smarties at the American Enterprise Institute, and every single graduate of Yale.

S.Luggo June 2, 2010 at 2:29 am

[re=588660]rafflesinc[/re]: Silent Tom. He was in Mallrats.

Mr. Tusks June 2, 2010 at 7:53 am

Seriously: Antonin Scalia must be thankful for the people’s ignorance, because if most of them knew the kind of things he does, someone would have assassinated his ass by now.

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