Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 9 — that’s so soon! For all you procrastinators who haven’t yet decided what to get the beloved babymakers in your lives, here’s a handy-dandy gift guide. These items are all on sale at the exclusive online boutiques CafePress and ZazzleMart and are so much better than flowers, because, like our freedoms, they will never die. So grab your clicky-mouses and your credit cards, and let’s start shopping!
If every mother in America had a pair of Sarah Palin prison slippers that they could stare at all day long and derive inspiration from, they might form a “mom army” and fight to get our country back:
Texas Governor Rick Perry told Newsweek the other day that he wants our country back. And your mother wants Rick Perry! She just won’t admit it. But Rick Perry doesn’t want your mother, because he’s gay. Look, Rick Perry shoes! They’re gay:
If your mom prefers to be less advertorial about her politics, then undergarments are a sensible option. How about a Joe Biden commemorative cuss word thong?
The downward-pointing arrow reiterates that you’ve never forgotten where you came from (unless your mom was like ours, and delivered you Cesarean-style). It also Bidenizes your mother’s “special place,” which Dad probably will not like, but mother almost certainly will.
Is your mom an elderly escapee of one of Obama’s FEMA death camps? Then she needs death panel panties:
Every time she looks down and sees the picture of the doctor holding up the scalpel thingie, she’ll celebrate freedom. How can that be bad?
This thong is for welfare mothers:
Does your mom refer to the nudists’ senator, Scott Brown, as a “hunk” or a “dreamboat”? This thong lets her declare her crush in style and in secret (please don’t tell your father, it would destroy him):
Unfortunately the Scott Brown thong refuses to stay on the wearer’s body, for it must be free. But it does come with a patented “modesty arm” attachment, so Mom can cover herself up.
OK, enough with the thongs already. Before Naked Nopants came along, America’s moms dreamed about being romanced by Rahm Emanuel — The Politico’s Sexiest Man Alive 2009, and an original Chippendale’s dancer. These days Rahm’s too busy running for governor of Chicago to give your mom a thrill, but this furry snuggle creature can make a good fill-in on those cold and lonely nights (assuming Dad’s left the picture somehow, or they sleep in separate rooms because of his Republican “proclivities”):
If your mom’s athletic and supports the newly formed Florida Oranges Party, she’ll love the Charlie Crist skateboard:
Who’s your momma? And who’s John Galt? Help Mom keep everyone straight about these matters with an American exceptionalism tee, which will flatter her ideological framework and also warm her heart:
Don’t let Mom write her Tea Party manifestos on that boring ol’ plain-ruled paper: Be a good kid and get her some “American custom letterhead” by Shepard Fairey protegee “BrazenHussy.” (Unless you can somehow find her an actual, monster-sized arm-with-flag to occupy the entire Midwest with, then get her that instead.)
If your mom is always losing track of time, this Ron and Nancy Reagan Clock will help her stay the course:
Well, that wraps up our shopping excursion. Hope you don’t have to file bankruptcy after buying all these items! Just ask your dad for some money if you have to. Come on, it’s for your mother, for crissakes.
[CafePress, Zazzle]
{ 47 comments }
Hallmark?
And shouldn’t there be a McCain gift Depends?
I think if I gave my mommie any of this, she would be heart broken because she would think I hate her so much.
And ewwwwwwwww on the “Big Fucking Deal” Thong.
I prefer not to be reminded that my parents had sexy time. Yes, I was delivered to my parents by a Stork. LALALALALALALALALA!!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALA!!!!
Seriously, I would like to buy those Palin prison slippers for my mother, so that she will finally disown me. I can’t seem to find them on either site though. Help?
That display really needs to come with an epileptic fit/nausea warning.
Dammit, just realized there was a link. I apologize.
That Reagan clock can only say the time is morning in America.
So Crist is going after the hip youth vote – in 1994.
Underwear is about the most disgusting thing you can give a parent. I’m just going for the regular bottles of wine for my mom, anyway.
whew, I’m worn out and emotionally drained after all that pretend shopping.
[re=566876]JMP[/re]: Yeah, a box of Gallo cabernet is in the cards for Moms this year. It has a fruity bouquet, and goes well with the lighter meats, such as spam, bologna, and hot dogs.
The idea of a clock decorated with an Alzheimer’s sufferer carries with it a certain twisted deliciousness.
If my mom weren’t already dead, those shoes of Snowbilly would do her in, being the great libtard that she was.
Oh & who wouldn’t want Breck Perry looking up your skirt, ladies?
No Newt Gingrich diaphragms to plug the leaks. No Vitter logo Depends or Pampers? No Mitch McConnel Viagras?
Crist has that ‘Crist for Senator 2010′ thing henna’d onto his peen.
[re=566884]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: You’re too good to the old gal! The airy nose and forest floor scent of Thunderbird is a better accompaniment to those fine dining items.
Ow! As I was innocently scrolling downward, that Reagans clock caused me to fall backwards in my chair, aghast.
What hospital did you say you checked yourself into to recover from your discovery of this? I’ll send…uh…some nice slippers.
so many thongs…
Thanks to the majic of CafePress I can get the Reagan/Nancy on a thong too!
Oh fuck, I pissed my thong! Hi-larious!
Mother’s Day is just Hollywood’s way of convincing negress welfare queens to have more sex with illegal wetbacks.*
* Soon to be proven on Glenn Beck’s chalkboard.**
** My spellchecker doesn’t recognize “negress” or “proven”. One of those is forgivable.
*** It was cool with “wetback”, however.
Is there any particular reason for the small, downward-pointing penis that’s a sort of bas-relief (as it were) on each of the thongs?
[re=566884]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: I’m a mom, and for a box of wine, I’ll adopt you!
Here’s an idea. Make a clock for Bob Dole, but have the center of the clock hands be in his crotch region. Then all day, Bob can see the rising and falling effects of Viagra.
Every time I think you won’t be able to top the crap products previously blogged…
Strangely, I’d probably be forced to choose the Crist 2010 sk8board as most ridiculous/useless item out of the whole bunch. But, it was a close race.
[re=566885]Saragon[/re]: The alzheimery clock is right twice a day!
[re=566884]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: But, what wine goes with cat food and the remnants left on the tray brought to your room by the low-paid, filching nursing home assistant? Need to get a gift for granny.
Holding out for Scott Brown Clam Shell Bikini Top for Mama bitchincamaro.
I just grossed myself out.
The only thing that American Exceptionalism logo tee needs is an all-seeing eye in the top. That’d be like, so spooky, man. Because of masons.
Sorry, but I think the folding Freedom Tray that can hold 200 lbs is probably the best gift ever for dear old mom!
http://wonkette.com/412474/freedom-tray-is-perfect-xmas-gift-for-every-single-person-in-america
[re=566929]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Oops, it can only hold 75 lbs. Maybe they can buy mom two!
I’m seeing those Palin slippers for my sister-in-law, they’d be just purrrrr-fect, heh, heh.
Wha??? No pink truck nutz with a pic of Sarah holding Trig emblazoned on each nut? Why do you guys hate the troops so much?
I love the serious postage stamp quality gaze on Sarah’s face on the slippers. I love the idea of her mug being memorialized as if, in fifty years, anyone will even remember her.
I will purchase these items that you suggest, Lauri Apple.
Wow. Creepiest, most inappropriate Wonkette gift guide ever.
Ron and Nancy wall clock?
[/shudder]
[re=566869]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Like it or not, each of us is the result of an ejaculating penis. “Fuck yeah!” or “Fuck? Yeah…” is the part of that you don’t want to know about.
[re=566887]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Perry, for one.
[re=567004]steverino247[/re]: No, Manchu is right, we are all stork-deliveries! No sexy times for our parents, nosireebob!
Closely inspecting the USA map with the giant flag-waving arm thrusting, thrusting from it, I wonder what those bluish lines and cracks in the yellow land mass are supposed to represent – mountains? rivers? which ones? Achieves an effect reminiscent of stilton, or gorgonzola. Is this good, or bad, I wonder?
So confused this morning, between crying over pics of oiled birds, getting banged up from a Reagans-clock-related accident, hurling after the mere thought of…something…thrusting through stinky cheese…
Unhhhhh…
[re=566957]Ruhe[/re]: I probably shouldn’t share this idea, but I’m feeling generous. Buy 500 pairs, seal them away in mint condition, and leave them to your descendants who can sell them to ironic hipsters in 2060 A.D., if of course the humanoids of that era are not living in some kind of Costnerian Waterworld, eating oily bird carcasses.
Lauri, perhaps Mama Apple could wear the “This is a Big @#$*^%” thong upside down?
I write the thongs.
What do you get your Mom if, you’re, like, you know, Grendel? Just puttin’ it out there…
Where is the t-shirt that reads “Go Fuck Your Mother?”
May I suggest all residents of Louisiana go down to the water’s edge, scoop up a bucket full of that oil sludge, and send it to Sen. James Inhofe’s wife-of-50-years, Kay, for Mother’s Day. I’m sure she’d love a bunch of reminders of how bee-u-tee-ful oil is and how thankful we are that her hubby protects our right to drive gas-guzzling vehicles. And if you happen to be gay, make sure you mention that on the card for extra laffs.
My interweb-ravaged attention span skimmed the text on the American Exceptionalism tee and saw “I am a Mexican.” Arizona, are you making subliminal message apparel?
OH MY GOD I must have the Rahm teddy bear. I’ll alert the Nicklets immediately; they can forget the usual bubble bath and chocolates. What’s that gem doing in with all the geezer thongs and shit, anyway?
Oh — for MY mom: The “Death Panel Survivor” undergarment. (Comfortably healthy and with her Medicare, she whines constantly about health care reform.) Although I haven’t made up my mind about whether she gets to survive it yet. When do they start, anyway?
[re=567056]chaste everywhere[/re]: That made my young girl cry.
My mom’s a bit old for panties. She needs the “Death Panel Depends.”
[re=566937]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: When you buy one, you get one free so…bonus(?)!
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