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YOU DID *WHAT* ON THE INTERNET???DRUNK STUDENT ON INTERNET SEEKS GIRLS: How does a brooding 20-year-old drunken college student on the Internet finally leave the dorm and get laid? Your editor’s answer may disgust you! [True/Slant]

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72 COMMENTS

  1. Its reading stuff like this that puts in stark relief the abyss between my pious mouse-wanna be some super ultra monk someday side of me, and the cursing, polymorphicly perverse sexual voyeur side of me. Kinda makes one wonders if ordination is one’s proper vocation. Oh well:”Lord, make me chaste, but not yet”.

  2. My advice to lonely bored guy in a college town:

    1. Learn to play musical instrument (well or badly, it doesn’t make much difference)

    2. Join rock band

    3. Enjoy ensuing hilarity

  3. “Run if you like to run, walk in the shade and gaze at nothing if that’s your speed, take the stairs up to the roof of your dorm and read, your mental and physical health is going to instantly improve in tangible ways if you get outside for a solid hour every day.”

    YES. MOVE. Running, outside, without headphones only thing keeping me sane many days. Walking works, too, as long as there is a lot of green in your sight. (blue, too, a body of water works).

  4. Ah, that brings back fond memories of the Seattle Wonkette meet-up. We drank Wonktinis. Woke up the next day with gonorrhea. Correction: gonorrhea AND some black guy was President. Crazy days! Crazy crazy days!

  5. No snark, volunteer. Cures all ailments, 100% money back guarantee. Look how happy I am, and why? Because I voluntarily make and deliver toys to every single kid on the fucking planet, and that my friends is a big fucking deal.

  6. [re=539144]GoinGreen[/re]: Well, I guess it gives you something to share with friends. And then you all have more to talk about after you’ve shared.

  7. He could always do what I did when I was 20 and lonely: drop a hit of acid, go to a Mel Brooks movie and wonder if everyone was laughing at me.

  8. [re=539144]GoinGreen[/re]: True. Gonorrhea was the fun disease before AIDS.

    Perhaps Friendless and Miserable should try getting an Intarwebs job as an advice columnist.

  9. Pick up smoking if your college hasn’t banned it everywhere yet. There is always a crowd hanging outside every building and they’ve got nothing to do but stand there. And it’s more diverse group than any fraternity or club you’re going to join. Also interesting hobos will bum cigs off you (no hot girls though, only hobos do this). Quitting will be a bitch, but you’re young and invincible!

  10. Shut the fuck up, kid. Stop being such a miserable loser; get outside, go meet people, take a shower for once, do something. College is the easiest place/time on the planet to find like-minded friends/drinking buddies and get laid. You’ve got a whole life in front of you to be misanthropic in front of a computer, but proper undergrad years only happen once (sure, you can go back as a non-trad student, but that’s not near as much fun). Grow a pair and get out of the house.

  11. Ken Layne is the Dear Abby of his generation and sex.

    It was actually good advice: do not measure the amount of “life” you have using extrinsic standards; instead, you figure out what “life” is to you and then do that thing well.

  12. Ken Layne lives in the Mojave Desert with his 108 followers and survives on a diet of peyote and mescal. Currently he is writing a satirical review of old Onion columns.

  13. Kid’s got aspergers; if he’s smart, he could join mensa, the society of the anti-social, if he’s dumb, he could read Rand and become a paultard. Or an engineer, same thing.

  14. Jeeze Ken…nice job. This is the first time I’ve read your cute little advice column and I have so say I’m impressed. Telling that kid to get outside…bravo. Let’s hope he takes your advice. Well, I don’t really give a foo if he does actually…but it had to be said.

  15. My advice — beyond Ken’s already inestimable stuff there — stop pretending to like things you don’t, and don’t be ashamed of liking the things you do. That way, at least the people you do meet will be the ones you’d like to meet.

  16. [re=539180]Prommie[/re]: Don’t confuse Asperger’s with pretension. In 20 year olds, it is often difficult to tell the difference, and many of those suffering from the latter claim the former in order to seem less asshole-y.

  17. Fairly good advice (for a kid who may still end up being the future unabomber), but I find the article pic more intriguing.

    Is this evidence that our cynical, hard-bitten editor is really a softie who spends his free time surfing the cute animal channel at Youtube? Inquiring minds etc. etc….

  18. [re=539149]Pithaughn[/re]: Santa?

    [re=539141]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Seconded. That was so much fun that I skipped the actual “taking classes at college” part. But who knows if 20-year-olds still like an instrument not connected to the Wii?

    [re=539143]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Man I am still hearing about that Seattle Wonkette Party. Next time, maybe the editors of Wonkette will get to go, and get gonorrhea.

    [re=539197]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Yes.

    [re=539199]Prommie[/re]: Yes.

  19. “There’s a pretty wide road between a “nice fulfilling social life” and waking up with alcohol poisoning, a naked stranger and gonorrhea.”

    Words to live by

  20. [re=539206]AnglRdr[/re]: I was basing it on his admission that he has to force himself to pretend to be at all interested in any other human being. Maybe just narcissistic personality disorder, then. Still, he sounds like he’s gonna wind up someday standing above the well in Mom’s basement lowering some lotion in a bucket and saying “it puts the lotion on its skin.”

  21. [re=539231]Prommie[/re]: God we hope not. (I just let my kids type at this, obviously. Jeffrey E. Young is a good reference…the self-soothing child.)

  22. Dear 20 Year Old College Student,
    Ignore Ken. What you really need is a hobby, something like, say, scrap booking. As I understand, most scrap bookers are single women so a young stud muffin like you is sure to get lucky… a lot. And remember, it might be raining out there so don’t forget your rubbers, if you know what I mean.
    You can thank me later,
    Mr. Grumpy

  23. [re=539159]BaconTime[/re]: you’re kidding right? hot drunk girls are always bumming cigarettes. They are the classic: too fit to be a regular smoker(i.e. buy) so I only smoke when I drink, and btw I drink all the time.

  24. Ken Layne, yes, hobbits live in dirt holes with furniture, but they are not nasty, dirty, wet holes, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor are they dry, bare, sandy holes, with nothing to eat. They are hobbit holes, and that means comfort.

    So yes, tiny furniture!

  25. The other choice is to become comfortable with the idea of being isolated, drunk and anti-social. This is the first step towards being a chronic Wonkette commenter.

  26. Friendless should check out his school’s theater department. LOTS of frustrated, fun-loving girls there! You don’t even have to act, you can be a “techie.”
    (Sorry to be all motherly.)

  27. You mean being allergic to sunshine and fresh air and deriving social contact only through the Internet ISN’T the path to being a fascinating individual with many friends? NOW someone tells me…

  28. See a therapist. You have yet to realize that even though your parents or mom or dad smiled a lot and was polite, they didn’t actually give a shit about you because they had shit to do. You need to come to that realization sooner than later, before your lonerism starts spawning perverse revenge fantasies. After you come to terms with how badly you got the shaft at home, ease and relief will replace your feelings of self-loathing and guilt and you’ll be much more likely to find sex partners and start giving them the shaft, if you know what I’m saying.

  29. [re=539285]DemmeFatale[/re]: Yeah his problem is he is fantasy bound and not only secretly wants a lingerie model, he thinks it might one day happen if he’s friendly to enough people. Having met a lingerie model or two, It’s hard to overstate how badly off course his current trajectory is. But, to your point, participating in the theatre will get you laid, especially if you’re not that picky.

  30. [re=539344]Mr Blifil[/re]: Sir, you have just been ON for the past couple of weeks or so. Is it new medication, or simply more hookers and blow?

  31. [re=539344]Mr Blifil[/re]: Hmm, I wasted so so so much money on my pyschiatrist, my insurance doesn’t cover the crazee, so it was all out of pocket, and that bastard played dumb for 3 years and made ME figure this out, and you just go and blurt it on a fucking blog for free and shit. Fuck you; you are making me feel dumb.

  32. [re=539453]Katydid[/re]: Oh that is awesome. I haven’t heard them since the Sex With Ducks craze.[re=539484]Katydid[/re]: I hope the Teabaggers don’t send me back to Knifecrime Island.

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