MODERN PROBLEMS  12:22 pm March 24, 2010

by Ken Layne

YOU DID *WHAT* ON THE INTERNET???DRUNK STUDENT ON INTERNET SEEKS GIRLS: How does a brooding 20-year-old drunken college student on the Internet finally leave the dorm and get laid? Your editor’s answer may disgust you! [True/Slant]

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Hola wonkerados.

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JMP March 24, 2010 at 12:30 pm

Hmm, I think Ken’s trying to tell us something with this column…

freakishlystrong March 24, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Ken, nice, common sense advice to the lonely kid; but you earned your whore diamonds on the Meaning of Life answer.

Marxist-Leninist Papist March 24, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Its reading stuff like this that puts in stark relief the abyss between my pious mouse-wanna be some super ultra monk someday side of me, and the cursing, polymorphicly perverse sexual voyeur side of me. Kinda makes one wonders if ordination is one’s proper vocation. Oh well:”Lord, make me chaste, but not yet”.

rmontcal March 24, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Drinks and types on the internet all night? Someone is after Riley’s “job”!

V572625694 March 24, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Why so cynical, Ken? Or are “you” being “ironic”?

WadISay March 24, 2010 at 12:37 pm

If this column is trying to persuade me to give up self-abuse, it failed miserably.

proudgrampa March 24, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Ken, I do believe you are wise beyond your years.

Lascauxcaveman March 24, 2010 at 12:39 pm

My advice to lonely bored guy in a college town:

1. Learn to play musical instrument (well or badly, it doesn’t make much difference)

2. Join rock band

3. Enjoy ensuing hilarity

Doglessliberal March 24, 2010 at 12:39 pm

“Run if you like to run, walk in the shade and gaze at nothing if that’s your speed, take the stairs up to the roof of your dorm and read, your mental and physical health is going to instantly improve in tangible ways if you get outside for a solid hour every day.”

YES. MOVE. Running, outside, without headphones only thing keeping me sane many days. Walking works, too, as long as there is a lot of green in your sight. (blue, too, a body of water works).

iwillsavethispatient March 24, 2010 at 12:39 pm

Ah, that brings back fond memories of the Seattle Wonkette meet-up. We drank Wonktinis. Woke up the next day with gonorrhea. Correction: gonorrhea AND some black guy was President. Crazy days! Crazy crazy days!

GoinGreen March 24, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Gonorrhea ain’t so bad.

Pithaughn March 24, 2010 at 12:44 pm

No snark, volunteer. Cures all ailments, 100% money back guarantee. Look how happy I am, and why? Because I voluntarily make and deliver toys to every single kid on the fucking planet, and that my friends is a big fucking deal.

Doglessliberal March 24, 2010 at 12:45 pm

[re=539144]GoinGreen[/re]: Well, I guess it gives you something to share with friends. And then you all have more to talk about after you’ve shared.

bobwurst March 24, 2010 at 12:51 pm

He could always do what I did when I was 20 and lonely: drop a hit of acid, go to a Mel Brooks movie and wonder if everyone was laughing at me.

TGY March 24, 2010 at 12:51 pm

[re=539144]GoinGreen[/re]: True. Gonorrhea was the fun disease before AIDS.

Perhaps Friendless and Miserable should try getting an Intarwebs job as an advice columnist.

BaconTime March 24, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Pick up smoking if your college hasn’t banned it everywhere yet. There is always a crowd hanging outside every building and they’ve got nothing to do but stand there. And it’s more diverse group than any fraternity or club you’re going to join. Also interesting hobos will bum cigs off you (no hot girls though, only hobos do this). Quitting will be a bitch, but you’re young and invincible!

queeraselvis v 2.0 March 24, 2010 at 12:55 pm


PeteJayhawk v2.0 March 24, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Shut the fuck up, kid. Stop being such a miserable loser; get outside, go meet people, take a shower for once, do something. College is the easiest place/time on the planet to find like-minded friends/drinking buddies and get laid. You’ve got a whole life in front of you to be misanthropic in front of a computer, but proper undergrad years only happen once (sure, you can go back as a non-trad student, but that’s not near as much fun). Grow a pair and get out of the house.

GoinGreen March 24, 2010 at 12:58 pm

[re=539158]TGY[/re]: No shit – imagine my relief when I found out that stripper only gave me the clap last year, and not the AID!!!

Jim89048 March 24, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Today, we can only wish we were all drunk horny 20-year-olds.

GoinGreen March 24, 2010 at 12:59 pm

[re=539159]BaconTime[/re]: I love the word “hobo”. I don’t know why, but I love it!

AnglRdr March 24, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Ken Layne is the Dear Abby of his generation and sex.

It was actually good advice: do not measure the amount of “life” you have using extrinsic standards; instead, you figure out what “life” is to you and then do that thing well.

honkyman March 24, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Ken Layne lives in the Mojave Desert with his 108 followers and survives on a diet of peyote and mescal. Currently he is writing a satirical review of old Onion columns.

Prommie March 24, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Kid’s got aspergers; if he’s smart, he could join mensa, the society of the anti-social, if he’s dumb, he could read Rand and become a paultard. Or an engineer, same thing.

Sleeves March 24, 2010 at 1:07 pm

Ken: You’re underpaid. You’d make a better therapist than Stanton Peele.

GoinGreen March 24, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Was that “fapfapfap” sound I heard in the background of the article coming from Ken, or was it from the 20yo Los Lonely boy?

eastcoastliberal March 24, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Jeeze Ken…nice job. This is the first time I’ve read your cute little advice column and I have so say I’m impressed. Telling that kid to get outside…bravo. Let’s hope he takes your advice. Well, I don’t really give a foo if he does actually…but it had to be said.

Red Zeppelin March 24, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Dear Ken, I’m a 40-something-year-old with Asperger’s who likes to drink wine and post on Wonkette. Am I that kid’s future?

Prommie March 24, 2010 at 1:20 pm

And Ken, should anyone really trust the advice of someone who is sporting a unabomber beard?

Extemporanus March 24, 2010 at 1:25 pm

“Lewis Grossberger”?

Loose, gross burger?!

Hahaha, no wonder he has groinorrhea.

SayItWithWookies March 24, 2010 at 1:26 pm

My advice — beyond Ken’s already inestimable stuff there — stop pretending to like things you don’t, and don’t be ashamed of liking the things you do. That way, at least the people you do meet will be the ones you’d like to meet.

AnglRdr March 24, 2010 at 1:26 pm

[re=539180]Prommie[/re]: Don’t confuse Asperger’s with pretension. In 20 year olds, it is often difficult to tell the difference, and many of those suffering from the latter claim the former in order to seem less asshole-y.

mercure March 24, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Fairly good advice (for a kid who may still end up being the future unabomber), but I find the article pic more intriguing.

Is this evidence that our cynical, hard-bitten editor is really a softie who spends his free time surfing the cute animal channel at Youtube? Inquiring minds etc. etc….

mardam422 March 24, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Stop!!!1 You had me at “Ask Ken Layne.”

Ken Layne March 24, 2010 at 1:32 pm

[re=539149]Pithaughn[/re]: Santa?

[re=539141]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Seconded. That was so much fun that I skipped the actual “taking classes at college” part. But who knows if 20-year-olds still like an instrument not connected to the Wii?

[re=539143]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Man I am still hearing about that Seattle Wonkette Party. Next time, maybe the editors of Wonkette will get to go, and get gonorrhea.

[re=539197]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Yes.

[re=539199]Prommie[/re]: Yes.

mardam422 March 24, 2010 at 1:32 pm

[re=539141]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: 4. Profit!!11

Ken Layne March 24, 2010 at 1:36 pm

[re=539210]mercure[/re]: Oh you have GOT to see this fucking cat, in this video: … it is kind of like the businessman who gives up and collapses on the sidewalk in that Radiohead video: You Do Not Want To Know What He Knows.

Sleeves March 24, 2010 at 1:36 pm

[re=539214]Ken Layne[/re]: [re=539214]Ken Layne[/re]: Thanks.

Dashboard_Buddha March 24, 2010 at 1:38 pm

“There’s a pretty wide road between a “nice fulfilling social life” and waking up with alcohol poisoning, a naked stranger and gonorrhea.”

Words to live by

slappypaddy March 24, 2010 at 1:42 pm

that is disgusting! (though i didn’t actually read it)

Sleeves March 24, 2010 at 1:43 pm

[re=539218]Sleeves[/re]: (Totally had the clack, eh?)

Prommie March 24, 2010 at 1:43 pm

[re=539206]AnglRdr[/re]: I was basing it on his admission that he has to force himself to pretend to be at all interested in any other human being. Maybe just narcissistic personality disorder, then. Still, he sounds like he’s gonna wind up someday standing above the well in Mom’s basement lowering some lotion in a bucket and saying “it puts the lotion on its skin.”

jagorev March 24, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Wonkette Pub Night!

Let’s make this happen!

Sleeves March 24, 2010 at 1:50 pm

[re=539231]Prommie[/re]: God we hope not. (I just let my kids type at this, obviously. Jeffrey E. Young is a good reference…the self-soothing child.)

Monsieur Grumpe March 24, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Dear 20 Year Old College Student,
Ignore Ken. What you really need is a hobby, something like, say, scrap booking. As I understand, most scrap bookers are single women so a young stud muffin like you is sure to get lucky… a lot. And remember, it might be raining out there so don’t forget your rubbers, if you know what I mean.
You can thank me later,
Mr. Grumpy

Sussemilch March 24, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Most people aren’t interesting at 50, to be fascinating at 20 is asking too much.

Norbert March 24, 2010 at 2:06 pm

I go outside often. Where’s my lay?

Koolaid March 24, 2010 at 2:08 pm

[re=539159]BaconTime[/re]: you’re kidding right? hot drunk girls are always bumming cigarettes. They are the classic: too fit to be a regular smoker(i.e. buy) so I only smoke when I drink, and btw I drink all the time.

Magnus Maximus March 24, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Ken Layne, yes, hobbits live in dirt holes with furniture, but they are not nasty, dirty, wet holes, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor are they dry, bare, sandy holes, with nothing to eat. They are hobbit holes, and that means comfort.

So yes, tiny furniture!

Flanders March 24, 2010 at 2:09 pm

[re=539197]Red Zeppelin[/re]: There’s a dating site for you two!

Cape Clod March 24, 2010 at 2:09 pm

The other choice is to become comfortable with the idea of being isolated, drunk and anti-social. This is the first step towards being a chronic Wonkette commenter.

Flanders March 24, 2010 at 2:12 pm

Probably attends Georgetown.

DemmeFatale March 24, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Friendless should check out his school’s theater department. LOTS of frustrated, fun-loving girls there! You don’t even have to act, you can be a “techie.”
(Sorry to be all motherly.)

Prommie March 24, 2010 at 2:22 pm

[re=539285]DemmeFatale[/re]: I’m happily married, but longing for some new, young tail. Any advice for me, mom?

Sleeves March 24, 2010 at 2:29 pm

[re=539280]Cape Clod[/re]: Heheh, aye.

Vulpes82 March 24, 2010 at 2:36 pm

You mean being allergic to sunshine and fresh air and deriving social contact only through the Internet ISN’T the path to being a fascinating individual with many friends? NOW someone tells me…

Mr Blifil March 24, 2010 at 2:47 pm

See a therapist. You have yet to realize that even though your parents or mom or dad smiled a lot and was polite, they didn’t actually give a shit about you because they had shit to do. You need to come to that realization sooner than later, before your lonerism starts spawning perverse revenge fantasies. After you come to terms with how badly you got the shaft at home, ease and relief will replace your feelings of self-loathing and guilt and you’ll be much more likely to find sex partners and start giving them the shaft, if you know what I’m saying.

Mr Blifil March 24, 2010 at 2:49 pm

[re=539285]DemmeFatale[/re]: Yeah his problem is he is fantasy bound and not only secretly wants a lingerie model, he thinks it might one day happen if he’s friendly to enough people. Having met a lingerie model or two, It’s hard to overstate how badly off course his current trajectory is. But, to your point, participating in the theatre will get you laid, especially if you’re not that picky.

Sleeves March 24, 2010 at 3:17 pm

[re=539344]Mr Blifil[/re]: Wise advice.

Katydid March 24, 2010 at 3:27 pm

See, I think he just needs to find a woman who has lower self-esteem than him.

Doglessliberal March 24, 2010 at 3:30 pm

[re=539217]Ken Layne[/re]: oh ym god, that is fabulous. What did they do to that cat???

Sleeves March 24, 2010 at 3:35 pm

[re=539453]Katydid[/re]: Soon she’ll discover the church…

Flanders March 24, 2010 at 3:40 pm

[re=539344]Mr Blifil[/re]: Sir, you have just been ON for the past couple of weeks or so. Is it new medication, or simply more hookers and blow?

Katydid March 24, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Salon is reporting that the U.K. Telegraph is reporting that public health officials are blaming Facebook for a rise in syphilis in one North English town.


Do that mea maxima culpa thing and make it all better.

Prommie March 24, 2010 at 4:38 pm

[re=539344]Mr Blifil[/re]: Hmm, I wasted so so so much money on my pyschiatrist, my insurance doesn’t cover the crazee, so it was all out of pocket, and that bastard played dumb for 3 years and made ME figure this out, and you just go and blurt it on a fucking blog for free and shit. Fuck you; you are making me feel dumb.

Sleeves March 24, 2010 at 4:43 pm

[re=539582]Prommie[/re]: Well, I’d remunerate you…you’ve paid the forums very well.

TGY March 24, 2010 at 4:44 pm

[re=539484]Katydid[/re]: One shouldn’t engage in Facebook without virus protection software, obvs.

Ken Layne March 24, 2010 at 4:48 pm

[re=539453]Katydid[/re]: Oh that is awesome. I haven’t heard them since the Sex With Ducks craze.[re=539484]Katydid[/re]: I hope the Teabaggers don’t send me back to Knifecrime Island.

Sleeves March 24, 2010 at 4:52 pm

[re=539595]Ken Layne[/re]: re Knifecrime HAHA

rocktonsammy March 24, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Wheres the part when dude locks himself out of his apartment in his boxer shorts?

FlipOffResearch March 24, 2010 at 6:37 pm

[re=539453]Katydid[/re]: Gafunkle and Oates remind me of a female version of Wally Pleasant.

CthuNHu March 25, 2010 at 12:04 am


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