ACTUAL AWFUL NEWS  1:43 pm January 21, 2010

by Jim Newell

  • ROBERTS SUPREME COURT CONTINUES TO LOOK OUT FOR LITTLE MAN: The Supreme Court finally released its much delayed verdict in this stupid case about some Hillary Clinton documentary airing on teevee, and, as experts expected, used it as its latest front to give corporations even greater power and influence over our Failed State: “WASHINGTON — Sweeping aside a century-old understanding and overruling two important precedents, a bitterly divided Supreme Court on Thursday ruled that the government may not ban political spending by corporations in candidate elections.” Ugh. “Corporate personhood” has made a sick fucking joke out of the First Amendment. Fix this, Scott Brown! [NYT]
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Extemporanus January 21, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Does this mean that I’ll finally be able to realize my dream of gay marrying General Mills?

Or does DADT have to be repealed first, too?

dum librul January 21, 2010 at 1:49 pm

So now that it’s been firmly established yet again that corporations are persons, when do we start locking up shareholders for attempting to “own” corporate persons? You know, Thirteenth Amendment and all that.

Decker January 21, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Why does Roberts have it out for the little man? I heard he was into guys.

gaterion January 21, 2010 at 1:51 pm

This is going to be incredibly divisive.

Jim Demintia January 21, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Hooray, it’s morning in America!

Isn’t it amazing that Bush just continues to destroy the country from beyond the grave??? We will be dealing with the fallout from that fuckwit for the rest of our lives.

trondant January 21, 2010 at 1:55 pm

[re=498771]Jim Demintia[/re]: If you have some good news we haven’t heard yet, you really should tell us.

SayItWithWookies January 21, 2010 at 1:55 pm

And in about three seconds, dissent will be a pre-existing condition. So smile, America — if you don’t it’ll just make it harder for ExxonBlackwaterHalliburton to get to your gold fillings.

Prommie January 21, 2010 at 1:57 pm

You should always look after the little man in the canoe.

jetjaguar January 21, 2010 at 1:58 pm

What a stupid time we live in.

Jim89048 January 21, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Why the fuck can’t there be a filibuster in the Supreme Court?

JMP January 21, 2010 at 2:01 pm

Yay; now that the corporations can legally buy our elected officials, we can finally dispense with the pretense to rule by the people. It’s a great day to be a rich American.

Corporate personhood wouldn’t be too bad if there was a way to actually punish them for wrongdoings, instead of just the nominal fines and judgments that have been rendered tiny by tort “reform” laws that the companies just consider part of the cost of business. It would be nice to break the corporate veil and be able to, say, actually arrest CEOs and Board members, and have them pay judgments from their personal money.

TGY January 21, 2010 at 2:02 pm

Hey, corporations are people, too.

Scaggsville guy January 21, 2010 at 2:02 pm

First clue Roberts was an insane jerk was how he and his ultra-waspy wife dressed up their son like Little Lord Fauntleroy….

ManchuCandidate January 21, 2010 at 2:02 pm

Does this mean that a corporate merger is in actuality gay marriage?

Suds McKenzie January 21, 2010 at 2:03 pm

Jesus Fuck

tunamelt January 21, 2010 at 2:03 pm

This comment was paid for by Pfizer.

Gorillionaire January 21, 2010 at 2:04 pm

The same five fascist judges literally gave a corporation more rights than an actual human being, on the very same day, in a decision pooped out a couple years ago.
Oh well. At least Scalia didn’t cite an episode of “24″ this time in his decision. Or maybe he did. I don’t even want to look anymore.

SmutBoffin January 21, 2010 at 2:07 pm

It may be a case of “a stopped clock being right twice a day”, but those kids out on the street selling The Socialist Worker are right about some things. This is one of them.

Suds McKenzie January 21, 2010 at 2:07 pm

Why dont the Teabaggers get all over THIS shit?

Buzz Feedback January 21, 2010 at 2:09 pm

I’m glad Senate Dems “kept their powder dry” as Biden put it at the time and allowed Roberts and Alito to be confirmed. Keep fukkin that chicken Joe.

magic titty January 21, 2010 at 2:12 pm

[re=498775]jetjaguar[/re]: That just about sums it up.

freakishlystrong January 21, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Why doesn’t the SCOTUS just appoint another Republic President and get all this over with?

norbizness January 21, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Now that’s what I call some finely, strictly construed, judicial non-activism, except for the part about overturning precedents and issuing an unnecessarily broad decision because you’re some kind of fucked-up closet Randroid.

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 21, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Just another case of Conservative judges legislating from the bench.

kapish January 21, 2010 at 2:14 pm

These folks are trying to stop this by amending the constitution.
Yeah, I know. But, at least they’re trying.

Jim Demintia January 21, 2010 at 2:15 pm

[re=498772]trondant[/re]: It’s possible that we’re one step closer to inhabiting Earth as its represented in ‘Avatar’?

Poochie January 21, 2010 at 2:16 pm

I’m putting in for corporate status right now. But there’s a long line at the status change window.

Snarkalicious January 21, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Can I redirect my 401k contributions to shares in the 2010 election?

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 21, 2010 at 2:16 pm

For all of you Conservatives out there: Where in the Constitution does it say that a Corporation should be granted more rights than a member of Al Qaeda?

Oh hell to the no January 21, 2010 at 2:16 pm

This is/isn’t good news for John McCain.

Just kidding!

This is great news for John McCain.

Extemporanus January 21, 2010 at 2:18 pm

[re=498774]Prommie[/re]: What’s his name again? Mulva? Dolores? No, that’s not it…

Damn! It was right on the tip of my tongue!

magic titty January 21, 2010 at 2:19 pm

[re=498783]tunamelt[/re]: Nice!

armoredbore January 21, 2010 at 2:19 pm

I can see it now:

“This Presidential Nominee is brought to you by…”

JMP January 21, 2010 at 2:21 pm

[re=498786]Suds McKenzie[/re]: The teabaggers love this shit; it should benefit Republicans in campaigns, and comes from the idiotic, rich people are better than everyone else and deserve more right, Randian beliefs they share with the chief justice.

S.Luggo January 21, 2010 at 2:21 pm

[re=498779]TGY[/re]: Try to find the word “corporation” or the phrase “a corporation shall be considered a person” in any part of the US Costitution or its Amendments.

I’m glad that our Gang of Five are “strict constructionist”. I would hate to think that they’re making shit up as they go.

give us a bob January 21, 2010 at 2:22 pm

I’m actually all for corporate personhood, provide that it be complete. Right now, corporations do not enjoy all the same rights as persons, particular jury duty, having to complete driver’s ed at age 16, and sending off that selective service form at age 18.

So, it’d be like, “you mean I might get drafted twice if I incorporate, while serving double jury duty?”

Seems perfectly fair to me.

Come here a minute January 21, 2010 at 2:22 pm

If Cheney was president he would be able to veto this. He wouldn’t do it, but he would have that power.

S.Luggo January 21, 2010 at 2:23 pm

[re=498786]Suds McKenzie[/re]: They’re far too busy trying to make bail.

rambone January 21, 2010 at 2:24 pm

[re=498801]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I’ll field this one.

Obama is a Kenyan.

Scott Brown/Palin 2010!

I think I just pulled something in my brain. God how I hope it’s a tumor so I can finally get some relief from the terminal stupidity that is America.

the problem child January 21, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Constitutional law: You’re doing it wrong.

Suds McKenzie January 21, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Megs…,.. Sister Sarah, your opinions ??

Oh hell to the no January 21, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Dear dumbass libertaretards, conflicted teabaggers, conservative-types, Scott Brownshirts:

Although we all (even you guys!) know this is not Obama’s fault, we cannot wait to hear how it totally is.



iwillsavethispatient January 21, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Time to tax corporate donations to political campaigns. I suggest 90%. If it was good enough for high-earners under Reagan, it’s good enough for corporations now.

Mr Blifil January 21, 2010 at 2:31 pm

See, you innocently made friends with that nice-sounding black fellow, and Daddy had to come in and make sure that never happened again.

mardam422 January 21, 2010 at 2:33 pm

[re=498786]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Psst. Corporations aren’t black.

trondant January 21, 2010 at 2:35 pm

[re=498797]Jim Demintia[/re]: No, no. The “beyond the grave” part. Have you uh, recently “cleared some brush” in “Texas”?

iwillsavethispatient January 21, 2010 at 2:37 pm

If giving money is free speech, please feel free to shout at me very loudly.

Hooray For Anything January 21, 2010 at 2:40 pm

[re=498807]JMP[/re]: The teabaggers will be happy because it’s another nail in the coffin of big Socialist Government and thus the destruction of yet another thing keeping poor white working class real Americans down.

snideinplainsight January 21, 2010 at 2:44 pm

So if I start my own corporation, can I vote twice?

FMA January 21, 2010 at 2:45 pm

[re=498769]Decker[/re]: So what you’re saying is he’s a size queen, right?

JMP January 21, 2010 at 2:48 pm

[re=498808]S.Luggo[/re]: It’s a very old precedent, one that has no logical basis in the actual text or history of the 14th Amendment that justified the decision but unfortunately is hardly questioned outside of law schools. Sotomayor has questioned the doctrine a bit; now if only we could get four other justices like her.

[re=498836]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: The teabaggers won’t be truly happy until we’ve reached a Robocop/Blade Runner-style corporate-run cyberpunk dystopia. This is one good step in that direction.

Ducksworthy January 21, 2010 at 2:49 pm

[re=498771]Jim Demintia[/re]: For the rest of our Natural Lives. Fortunately, corporate persons are not only totally immoral but totally immortal witness I.G. Farben proud maker of Zyklon B and other fine products.

Poochie January 21, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Will my senators now have corporate logos stitched to their suit jackets like my fave NASCAR HEROs?

Jim Demintia January 21, 2010 at 2:50 pm

[re=498834]trondant[/re]: It wouldn’t matter–he’s basically one of the undead, so at this point just killing him won’t be enough.

Ducksworthy January 21, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Wait What? Child rape and forcible sodomy are against the law, in Oklahoma?

megs January 21, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Hey Suds, the tea partiers are blaming Obama for this on

Ducksworthy January 21, 2010 at 3:08 pm

[re=498856]JMP[/re]: Are you implying that Tea Baggers are also Chicken Heads? Its starting to look like those of us who are not yet genetically damaged beyond redemption are going to have to flee this planet.

Ducksworthy January 21, 2010 at 3:09 pm

[re=498878]Ducksworthy[/re]: But it was a relative. I thought that made it OK.

chascates January 21, 2010 at 3:19 pm

– Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY): The court took a step toward “restoring the First Amendment rights [of corporations and unions]. … By previously denying this right, the government was picking winners and losers.”

– RNC Chairman Michael Steele: “Today’s decision by the Supreme Court in Citizens United v. FEC, serves as an affirmation of the constitutional rights provided to Americans under the first amendment. Free speech strengthens our democracy.”

WIDTAP January 21, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Taking bids on the appropriate language for a new Constitutional Amendment that says corporations are not people and not entitled to the same First Amendment protections. Personally, I think “Fuck you, Alito” works just fine.

Gopherit January 21, 2010 at 3:24 pm

[re=498783]tunamelt[/re]: Funny, but just wait for candidates to have corporate sponsorship, like NASCAR. Those fuckers will have patches all over their suits.

Suds McKenzie January 21, 2010 at 3:26 pm

[re=498881]megs[/re]: I’m sorry,my mistake, I totally forgot he nominated Roberts.

Gopherit January 21, 2010 at 3:28 pm

Hey, Supreme Court. You do realize it’s only a matter of time before a corporation decides to assert it’s 2nd amendment right, too?
Let the FBI raid some place like Halliburton when they have an actual corporate militia.

WIDTAP January 21, 2010 at 3:30 pm

[re=498913]Gopherit[/re]: Yeah, but I’ll bet you starting taking that local mall cop a whole lot more seriously now.

Gopherit January 21, 2010 at 3:37 pm

[re=498916]WIDTAP[/re]: Yeah, no more 15 year old Suzuki Samurais cruising around mall parking lots with their faggy yellow lights on… M2 bradley in every mall.

sati demise January 21, 2010 at 3:38 pm



Gun-toting Progressive January 21, 2010 at 3:38 pm

This brings us one step closer to “Snow Crash.” Now, where did I put my login credentials for Second Life?

doxastic January 21, 2010 at 3:49 pm

It seems that in Roberts’ famous ‘umpire analogy’ re: activism, what he neglected to mention was that the umpire has been bought off.

An Outhouse January 21, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Thank God we don’t have to vote any more. That was beginning to be a real burden.

donner_froh January 21, 2010 at 3:59 pm

It just makes the real ownership of Congress a bit more clear–instead of waiting until someone is elected to buy them the corporations can pick them up while they are candidates.

Will probably save them some money so it will be a win for shareholders which is a win for Amerikkka.

JMP January 21, 2010 at 4:17 pm

[re=498836]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: We’re nearly complete moving on from the outdated concept of “one person, one vote” to the Free Market principle of “one dollar, one vote”. And I, for one, welcome our not-so-new corporate overlords.

GeneralLerong January 21, 2010 at 4:32 pm

So instead of live, human, candidates, we’ll be seeing ballots with Google VS Koch?

“One dollar, one vote” – RU kidding? Free market principles would ensure that, for starters, it’s one Benjamin, one vote. And that’s just local elections. Costs ten grand to vote nationally.
We can have new currency printed up – turn in your ten $1000 bills, get a ballot.

Snarkalicious January 21, 2010 at 5:07 pm

I don’t know if you can hear that faint, rhythmic noise in the background, but you soon will as the synchronized fapping of Diebold employees spreads across the nation.

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2010 at 5:24 pm

[re=498881]megs[/re]: WWWhhhhhaaaaattttt????

FlownOver January 21, 2010 at 5:53 pm

[re=498814]S.Luggo[/re]: Crooksandliars’ best line about this “patriot”:

“Evidently, being a pedophile leads to resentment of the government — probably for its desire to lock you away.”

Oldskool January 21, 2010 at 6:33 pm

[re=498862]Poochie[/re]: I hope they wear patches on their chests, like burly Soviet generals.

Guppy06 January 21, 2010 at 6:40 pm

Everybody bitches about the jackass justices, nobody bitches about the jackass state legislatures that make it so easy to incorporate to begin with.

chascates January 21, 2010 at 7:20 pm

Forget that bullshit about helping out the middle-class candidate. NewsMax tells it like it is:

“Supreme Court Hands GOP Huge Victory: Business Can Support Candidates
Handing the Obama administration a huge defeat that will transform the political landscape for conservatives, the Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that corporations can spend freely to support or oppose candidates for president and Congress.”

Oldskool January 21, 2010 at 7:46 pm

[re=499119]Guppy06[/re]: Incorporating should be easy, it protects small bidness people. What we don’t need is a super-duper mega-giganticus vote, over and above everyone else’s, which we have today thanks to the lowbrow backwoods jackasses President Shithead put on the court.

PickneyPinchback January 21, 2010 at 8:11 pm

We shall overcome! Yay for civil rights, which took a big step forward today in protecting non-persons! Get the scoop!

iwillsavethispatient January 21, 2010 at 8:39 pm

[re=498971]JMP[/re]: Here’s an idea – one tax-dollar, one vote. You can choose to pay as much tax as you like and that determines how many votes you get.

Up To Here Again January 21, 2010 at 9:18 pm

We could nationalize the corporations.

Up To Here Again January 21, 2010 at 9:38 pm

But doesn’t this mean the Pols will have to have their “pants on the ground” to collect?
Or their knees?

rocktonsammy January 21, 2010 at 10:10 pm

So BHO bailed the banks and other crooks.

Thinking they owe him come 2012.

CanadianBacon January 21, 2010 at 10:55 pm

They told you treating gays like they were people with constitutional rights would lead to unimaginable consequences but would you listen, no. Once you opened the gate there was no turning back.

SmallPotatoes January 22, 2010 at 12:31 am

Somewhere, all of my favorite founding fathers are weeping…

Bearbloke January 22, 2010 at 5:18 am

Where’s your democracy now, America??

davesnothere January 22, 2010 at 5:50 am

1.) We’re fucked now!

2.) Hey wait – were we fucked before?

3.) How long have we been fucked?

southern mark smith January 22, 2010 at 8:14 am

Looks like I can dust off my old Adbusters Flag. Or have the “stars” changed since 2002? I wouldn’t want to show loyalty to the wrong masters.

Zulu January 22, 2010 at 8:18 am

Well now America is the new Nigeria. Cant wait for the day they auction off naming rights to the Capitol (the FedEx Capitol building). This is not a majority decision…this is gang rape. Please Justices Kennedy, Thomas and the rest of the junta….DIE..DIE QUICKLY!…so that we can sooner clean up the worm-infested, fetid, steaming pile of jurisprudential DUNG you blessed us with.

McDuff January 22, 2010 at 8:39 am

Let’s just end representation by geographical district and elect representatives by corporation or special interest group. For example, Rep. John Dingell (D-General Motors); Rep. Steve King (R-ConAgra); Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Insurance Industry).

unprotoize January 23, 2010 at 1:04 am

[re=498802]Oh hell to the no[/re]: Not so much for McCain-Feingold.

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