actual awful news

  • ROBERTS SUPREME COURT CONTINUES TO LOOK OUT FOR LITTLE MAN: The Supreme Court finally released its much delayed verdict in this stupid case about some Hillary Clinton documentary airing on teevee, and, as experts expected, used it as its latest front to give corporations even greater power and influence over our Failed State: “WASHINGTON — Sweeping aside a century-old understanding and overruling two important precedents, a bitterly divided Supreme Court on Thursday ruled that the government may not ban political spending by corporations in candidate elections.” Ugh. “Corporate personhood” has made a sick fucking joke out of the First Amendment. Fix this, Scott Brown! [NYT]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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92 comments

  1. Extemporanus

    Does this mean that I’ll finally be able to realize my dream of gay marrying General Mills?

    Or does DADT have to be repealed first, too?

  2. dum librul

    So now that it’s been firmly established yet again that corporations are persons, when do we start locking up shareholders for attempting to “own” corporate persons? You know, Thirteenth Amendment and all that.

  3. Jim Demintia

    Hooray, it’s morning in America!

    Isn’t it amazing that Bush just continues to destroy the country from beyond the grave??? We will be dealing with the fallout from that fuckwit for the rest of our lives.

  4. trondant

    [re=498771]Jim Demintia[/re]: If you have some good news we haven’t heard yet, you really should tell us.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    And in about three seconds, dissent will be a pre-existing condition. So smile, America — if you don’t it’ll just make it harder for ExxonBlackwaterHalliburton to get to your gold fillings.

  6. JMP

    Yay; now that the corporations can legally buy our elected officials, we can finally dispense with the pretense to rule by the people. It’s a great day to be a rich American.

    Corporate personhood wouldn’t be too bad if there was a way to actually punish them for wrongdoings, instead of just the nominal fines and judgments that have been rendered tiny by tort “reform” laws that the companies just consider part of the cost of business. It would be nice to break the corporate veil and be able to, say, actually arrest CEOs and Board members, and have them pay judgments from their personal money.

  7. Scaggsville guy

    First clue Roberts was an insane jerk was how he and his ultra-waspy wife dressed up their son like Little Lord Fauntleroy….

  8. Gorillionaire

    The same five fascist judges literally gave a corporation more rights than an actual human being, on the very same day, in a decision pooped out a couple years ago.
    Oh well. At least Scalia didn’t cite an episode of “24″ this time in his decision. Or maybe he did. I don’t even want to look anymore.

  9. SmutBoffin

    It may be a case of “a stopped clock being right twice a day”, but those kids out on the street selling The Socialist Worker are right about some things. This is one of them.

  10. Buzz Feedback

    I’m glad Senate Dems “kept their powder dry” as Biden put it at the time and allowed Roberts and Alito to be confirmed. Keep fukkin that chicken Joe.

  11. freakishlystrong

    Why doesn’t the SCOTUS just appoint another Republic President and get all this over with?

  12. norbizness

    Now that’s what I call some finely, strictly construed, judicial non-activism, except for the part about overturning precedents and issuing an unnecessarily broad decision because you’re some kind of fucked-up closet Randroid.

  13. Jim Demintia

    [re=498772]trondant[/re]: It’s possible that we’re one step closer to inhabiting Earth as its represented in ‘Avatar’?

  14. Poochie

    I’m putting in for corporate status right now. But there’s a long line at the status change window.

  15. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    For all of you Conservatives out there: Where in the Constitution does it say that a Corporation should be granted more rights than a member of Al Qaeda?

  16. Oh hell to the no

    This is/isn’t good news for John McCain.

    Just kidding!

    This is great news for John McCain.

  17. Extemporanus

    [re=498774]Prommie[/re]: What’s his name again? Mulva? Dolores? No, that’s not it…

    Damn! It was right on the tip of my tongue!

  18. JMP

    [re=498786]Suds McKenzie[/re]: The teabaggers love this shit; it should benefit Republicans in campaigns, and comes from the idiotic, rich people are better than everyone else and deserve more right, Randian beliefs they share with the chief justice.

  19. S.Luggo

    [re=498779]TGY[/re]: Try to find the word “corporation” or the phrase “a corporation shall be considered a person” in any part of the US Costitution or its Amendments.

    I’m glad that our Gang of Five are “strict constructionist”. I would hate to think that they’re making shit up as they go.

  20. give us a bob

    I’m actually all for corporate personhood, provide that it be complete. Right now, corporations do not enjoy all the same rights as persons, particular jury duty, having to complete driver’s ed at age 16, and sending off that selective service form at age 18.

    So, it’d be like, “you mean I might get drafted twice if I incorporate, while serving double jury duty?”

    Seems perfectly fair to me.

  21. Come here a minute

    If Cheney was president he would be able to veto this. He wouldn’t do it, but he would have that power.

  22. rambone

    [re=498801]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I’ll field this one.

    Obama is a Kenyan.

    Scott Brown/Palin 2010!

    I think I just pulled something in my brain. God how I hope it’s a tumor so I can finally get some relief from the terminal stupidity that is America.

  23. Oh hell to the no

    Dear dumbass libertaretards, conflicted teabaggers, conservative-types, Scott Brownshirts:

    Although we all (even you guys!) know this is not Obama’s fault, we cannot wait to hear how it totally is.

    XOXO,

    SCOTUS Girl

  24. iwillsavethispatient

    Time to tax corporate donations to political campaigns. I suggest 90%. If it was good enough for high-earners under Reagan, it’s good enough for corporations now.

  25. Mr Blifil

    See, you innocently made friends with that nice-sounding black fellow, and Daddy had to come in and make sure that never happened again.

  26. trondant

    [re=498797]Jim Demintia[/re]: No, no. The “beyond the grave” part. Have you uh, recently “cleared some brush” in “Texas”?

  27. Hooray For Anything

    [re=498807]JMP[/re]: The teabaggers will be happy because it’s another nail in the coffin of big Socialist Government and thus the destruction of yet another thing keeping poor white working class real Americans down.

  28. JMP

    [re=498808]S.Luggo[/re]: It’s a very old precedent, one that has no logical basis in the actual text or history of the 14th Amendment that justified the decision but unfortunately is hardly questioned outside of law schools. Sotomayor has questioned the doctrine a bit; now if only we could get four other justices like her.

    [re=498836]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: The teabaggers won’t be truly happy until we’ve reached a Robocop/Blade Runner-style corporate-run cyberpunk dystopia. This is one good step in that direction.

  29. Ducksworthy

    [re=498771]Jim Demintia[/re]: For the rest of our Natural Lives. Fortunately, corporate persons are not only totally immoral but totally immortal witness I.G. Farben proud maker of Zyklon B and other fine products.

  30. Poochie

    Will my senators now have corporate logos stitched to their suit jackets like my fave NASCAR HEROs?

  31. Jim Demintia

    [re=498834]trondant[/re]: It wouldn’t matter–he’s basically one of the undead, so at this point just killing him won’t be enough.

  32. Ducksworthy

    [re=498856]JMP[/re]: Are you implying that Tea Baggers are also Chicken Heads? Its starting to look like those of us who are not yet genetically damaged beyond redemption are going to have to flee this planet.

  33. chascates

    – Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY): The court took a step toward “restoring the First Amendment rights [of corporations and unions]. … By previously denying this right, the government was picking winners and losers.”

    – RNC Chairman Michael Steele: “Today’s decision by the Supreme Court in Citizens United v. FEC, serves as an affirmation of the constitutional rights provided to Americans under the first amendment. Free speech strengthens our democracy.”

  34. WIDTAP

    Taking bids on the appropriate language for a new Constitutional Amendment that says corporations are not people and not entitled to the same First Amendment protections. Personally, I think “Fuck you, Alito” works just fine.

  35. Gopherit

    [re=498783]tunamelt[/re]: Funny, but just wait for candidates to have corporate sponsorship, like NASCAR. Those fuckers will have patches all over their suits.

  36. Gopherit

    Hey, Supreme Court. You do realize it’s only a matter of time before a corporation decides to assert it’s 2nd amendment right, too?
    Let the FBI raid some place like Halliburton when they have an actual corporate militia.

  37. WIDTAP

    [re=498913]Gopherit[/re]: Yeah, but I’ll bet you starting taking that local mall cop a whole lot more seriously now.

  38. Gopherit

    [re=498916]WIDTAP[/re]: Yeah, no more 15 year old Suzuki Samurais cruising around mall parking lots with their faggy yellow lights on…..an M2 bradley in every mall.

  39. Gun-toting Progressive

    This brings us one step closer to “Snow Crash.” Now, where did I put my login credentials for Second Life?

  40. doxastic

    It seems that in Roberts’ famous ‘umpire analogy’ re: activism, what he neglected to mention was that the umpire has been bought off.

  41. donner_froh

    It just makes the real ownership of Congress a bit more clear–instead of waiting until someone is elected to buy them the corporations can pick them up while they are candidates.

    Will probably save them some money so it will be a win for shareholders which is a win for Amerikkka.

  42. JMP

    [re=498836]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: We’re nearly complete moving on from the outdated concept of “one person, one vote” to the Free Market principle of “one dollar, one vote”. And I, for one, welcome our not-so-new corporate overlords.

  43. GeneralLerong

    So instead of live, human, candidates, we’ll be seeing ballots with Google VS Koch?

    “One dollar, one vote” – RU kidding? Free market principles would ensure that, for starters, it’s one Benjamin, one vote. And that’s just local elections. Costs ten grand to vote nationally.
    We can have new currency printed up – turn in your ten $1000 bills, get a ballot.

  44. Snarkalicious

    I don’t know if you can hear that faint, rhythmic noise in the background, but you soon will as the synchronized fapping of Diebold employees spreads across the nation.

  45. FlownOver

    [re=498814]S.Luggo[/re]: Crooksandliars’ best line about this “patriot”:

    “Evidently, being a pedophile leads to resentment of the government — probably for its desire to lock you away.”

  46. Guppy06

    Everybody bitches about the jackass justices, nobody bitches about the jackass state legislatures that make it so easy to incorporate to begin with.

  47. chascates

    Forget that bullshit about helping out the middle-class candidate. NewsMax tells it like it is:

    “Supreme Court Hands GOP Huge Victory: Business Can Support Candidates
    Handing the Obama administration a huge defeat that will transform the political landscape for conservatives, the Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that corporations can spend freely to support or oppose candidates for president and Congress.”

  48. Oldskool

    [re=499119]Guppy06[/re]: Incorporating should be easy, it protects small bidness people. What we don’t need is a super-duper mega-giganticus vote, over and above everyone else’s, which we have today thanks to the lowbrow backwoods jackasses President Shithead put on the court.

  49. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=498971]JMP[/re]: Here’s an idea – one tax-dollar, one vote. You can choose to pay as much tax as you like and that determines how many votes you get.

  50. Up To Here Again

    But doesn’t this mean the Pols will have to have their “pants on the ground” to collect?
    Or their knees?

  51. CanadianBacon

    They told you treating gays like they were people with constitutional rights would lead to unimaginable consequences but would you listen, no. Once you opened the gate there was no turning back.

  52. davesnothere

    1.) We’re fucked now!

    2.) Hey wait – were we fucked before?

    3.) How long have we been fucked?

  53. Zulu

    Well now America is the new Nigeria. Cant wait for the day they auction off naming rights to the Capitol (the FedEx Capitol building). This is not a majority decision…this is gang rape. Please Justices Kennedy, Thomas and the rest of the junta….DIE..DIE QUICKLY!…so that we can sooner clean up the worm-infested, fetid, steaming pile of jurisprudential DUNG you blessed us with.

  54. McDuff

    Let’s just end representation by geographical district and elect representatives by corporation or special interest group. For example, Rep. John Dingell (D-General Motors); Rep. Steve King (R-ConAgra); Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Insurance Industry).

Comments are closed.