A Pulitzer for you!JONAH GOLDBERG WRITES BEST SENTENCE OF DECADE: Regarding that dreadful 3D movie where the 10-foot-tall blue people hump each other: “What would have been controversial is if — somehow — Cameron had made a movie in which the good guys accepted Jesus Christ into their hearts.” [Los Angeles Times]

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  1. Wait, isn’t Jonah Jewish?! Wouldn’t it have been better if the blue people had lit a menorah, and then seen the candle stay lit for eight years?

  2. He didn’t have a big enough special effects budget for that, so he made the blue kitteh go “pew! pew!” instead.

    Besides, didn’t Kirk Cameron already make that awesomely Christful and not-at-all-unwatchable Left Behind series? I’m it’s available on DVD, for free at your local Church of the Impending Apocalypse.

  3. This is coming from people named “Goldberg” and “Podhoretz”?

    Maybe Ted Haggard, former president of the American Association of Evangelicals, could get together with Mel Gibson and some of the C-Street regulars to produce a story in which, oh maybe the Aztecs “accepted Jesus Christ into their hearts.”

  4. No, Goldberg is right. I mean look at the flop that was “The Passion of the Christ”. It’s controversial content drove the public away from the theaters en masse.

  5. To be fair to Jonah, it would go along with Cameron’s allegory for the humans to force the blue aliens to convert to Christianity at gunpoint while trying to steal their planet.

    And also, moron, environmentalism is not a religion, and guess what, morality and subscribing to a cause greater than oneself has nothing whatsoever to do with the collective delusion called religion, you fucking piece of shit.

  6. What the hell was that even about? He starts off pretending he’s writing about some popular movie, but the last few paragraphs are all “whatevah! whatevah! Religion’s not going nowhere, libruls, so just give up already, OK?”

  7. Come to think of it, Gandhi (1982) would have been a lot better if Attenborough had made MKG accept Jesus into his heart. And why didn’t Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof go to a single Nascar race? Hmmm?

    Don’t even get me started on Lucas with his pantheist “May the force be with you” — imagine how righteous it would have been if only Darth Vader, bearing down on Luke’s X-wing, had sensed that “faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is strong in this one”

  8. [re=486641]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: What did Paul say about it? Something along the lines of “And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.” And “why don’t we do it in the road?” also.

  9. [re=486642]Cape Clod[/re]: I tried to read it but after six chapters of Na’Vi circumcision talk and two chapter of abominatizing the gay Na’Vi I gave it up as a lost cause.

  10. You gotta love how he describes “theological diversity” as “Culturally conservative Catholics, Protestants and — increasingly — Jews”

    Imagine that — Jews! Now part of the accepted theological spectrum! (and when did Catholics sneak in there?)

  11. [re=486642]Cape Clod[/re]: And his letter to the Galatians, which everybody knows is the Borg. And his letter to the Fallopians, in which he rails against birth control, also.

  12. Wade said “Man is homo religiosus.” Whoa nelly! What if the Gay Olde Party boyz and girrrls get on to that (so to speak)??

    It is too clear the GOP and Teabaggers plan to play the Obamacalypse card in 2010 and 2012, it will be terror 24/7. Fellow Wonketters, the wingtards could jump on “homo religious” with both feet (as a number have in the past per Ken’s list post yesterday. They ‘tards could curb terroism by doing secret undercover research in San Francisco’s Castro District and end all terrorism for now and forever by having all of Yemen, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iran catch teh gay!!! The GOPee could find the secret of GAYPALM!!!!

    Think what that would mean!! First the wingtards make Priscilla queen of all the deserts. Then it would be a slamdunk that the two Michelles, Bachman and Malkin, become like a WWF tag-team and smackdown those Palin-Pawlenties in the primaries. The MM team recaptures the White House for the Gay Olde Partytards. In the ever so festive post-election Mel Gibson catches the gay and decides to do a rapturous retake on Coppola’s Vietnam classic. Gay Mel will call his epic “I Pucker Lips Now.” Dick Cheney will just have to be cast in Brando’s role as Col. Kurtz. As for the rest maybe Mark Foley as Capt. Willard, Mittens Romney as Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore, and Larry Craig as the maniacal photographer and Kurtz apologist. Some music changes will be needed. When the drones sweep low over the horizon, gaypalm the Yemeni village, and Mittens chirps “Don’t you just love the snap of latex in the morning,” the THX will be booming ABBA’s “Dancing Queen.” At the film’s closing scene, when Willard is flogging the cross-dressing Col. Kurtz and the credits start, Mick Jagger and the Boyz will be singing “When the Whip Comes Down.”

    Oh bless you SKS, we can now wait the gay rapture.

  13. [re=486652]Norbert[/re]: Exactly. The librul Hollywood leetists show they hate Christianity by showing any non-Christians as anything but a devil-worshipping evil monster.

  14. A brief word, Jonah: the fundies still hate the Jews and Catholics and the Mormons. You can be the fat guy in the Spider Man suit who shows up at their, uh, Fall Festival, but once they’ve eaten all your doughnuts, they will be just as ready to lynch you as they’ve always been.

  15. [re=486653]MzNicky[/re]: I prefer the gospel of Peter. I believe he said it best: “Don’t hesitate, cuz your love won’t wait; Ooh baby I love your way, everyday. Wanna tell you I love your way; Wanna be with you night and day.”

  16. “I dedicate this book to all the followers of Christ and his teachings; in particular to a true Christian — James Cameron – because he hired computer-generated actors as, I assume, Christ would have.”

  17. The food was great, the tree plugged in, the meal had gone without a hitch
    Till Timmy turned to Amber and said, “Is it true that you’re a witch?”

    Can we just all admit that pagans scare the pants off people like Jonah?

  18. [re=486664]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: He’s trying to get them to accept conservative Jews, so Woody Allen is still out. Though imagine Jonah’s alternate ending to Annie Hall. Brilliant!

    Also I have to agree if An Inconvenient Truth would have ended with Al Gore saying, “Instead of reducing greenhouse gases, let’s just all accept Jesus Christ into our hearts” it would have been a very different movie.

  19. when did Catholics sneak in there?

    They got in the club with their anti-abortion and anti-gay views. They’re still going to Protestant Hell, though.

  20. …to say nothing of how much ‘splaining the fundies are going to have to do when the REAL space aliens show up. I guarantee they’re going to be nothing like the Nav’i (or whatever).

  21. [re=486665]Sparky McGruff[/re]: The Gospel according to John: “Instant karma’s gonna getcha. Gonna knock you right in the head. Better get yourself together. Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead.”

    Glory to you Lord Jesus H. Christ. Okay that’s enough.

  22. If by “controversial” Jonah meant “boring, shitty and weird,” then yes. It would have been controversial.

    How many screenplays has this guy had tossed dismissively into a trash can?

  23. [re=486675]snideinplainsight[/re]: I guess that’s what Stanley Kubrick was referring to in 2001, when Heywood Floyd talks about how disruptive it would be to tell everybody about the 20 foot Lego buried on the moon. He really meant disruptive to the Fundies, but Kubrick was smart not to say it — especially in 1968.

  24. I think the “faith instinct” is antithetical to causes delusion and creates an ideological willingness to deny life and admire shiny objects. Plus, even fake giant blue people would think Jonah is a fucking loser

  25. Please people, don’t miss the comments there.

    Sample: I couldn’t agree more with your sentiments, although I have not yet seen Avatar. I plan to rent it at some time in the future for the sake of its dazzling special effects…

    Uhhh…yeah, those awesome 3D big-screen special effects are most dazzling when wrapped in your snuggie, freedom tray in your lap, playing out on your old-school 21″ tv-VCR combo. And yeaaahh, haven’t seen the movie, but couldn’t agree more with premise of the article.

  26. [re=486687]Gumboz1953[/re]:
    Yup. It would fuck all the major religions in one fell swoop and cause them to fall apart.


    Oh where art thou ET?

  27. It might of been more controversial if the hero of the movie was a fat pantload who gets paid to publish his ass hatted opinions and all the other characters beat the shit out of him and tossed him off a cliff.

    I would have been first on line to buy a ticket.

  28. [re=486671]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: They’ll get theirs, ’cause the Catholics know those heretics are the ones doomed to hell until they start obeying the infallible ordained successor of Peter.

  29. [re=486704]Cape Clod[/re]: Agreed.
    And what a schmuck to insert some hidden agenda crapola into a purely escapist movie like this. Jonah, your tinfoil hat is slipping.

  30. It’s hard to know whose column is lamer – Jonah’s or Do-that’s. Do-that just ends his with a massive non-sequitur – like his mad-lib software just gave up and said “check back with me in the new year.”

  31. Jonah Goldturd is watching the wrong Cameron. He should try “movies” from that Growing Pains religiosus homo.

    And this gem: “In short, “Avatar” tells the tale of a disabled Marine, Jake Sully, who — through the wonders of movie magic –..”

    OMFG! That sucks nutly. What a life, Jonah!

  32. What’d been even more controversial is if they were Mormons. Instead of all those expensive CGI firefights they could’ve just knocked on the aliens’ doors at 9 in the morning wearing those annoying short sleeve dress shirts while the aliens were trying to sleep off a bender from the previous night. They would’ve been all like, “Take this precious ore and fuck off!”

  33. What is a fundie doing referencing Rousseau and Evolutionary Theory? He uses an evolutionist’s reasoning to explain why religion is good? They’ll revoke his B.I.B.L.E. club pass for that.

    He was getting warmer when he described the human corporation as a mix of Blackwater and Haliburton, but missed the Na’Vi/Ira’Qi link. The blue skin threw him off.

  34. Of course the piece of crap right wing Big Hollywood blog condemns this movie, but skimming the article it appears more boring than the movie. So boring even to snark about.

  35. I have a firm policy of commenting only on movies I have not seen and columns I have not read. Therefore and ipso facto, the movie was great; the column sucked.

  36. [re=486728]binarian[/re]: Upsidaisium?

    we’ll have to wait for the director’s commentary on teh next 3dBluePurpleRay generation Discus to find out…

  37. Jonah’s right. Then we should put Bibles on every nightstand on the Death Star, and work on converting that Jew, Spock. Why should scientology get all the play in sci-fi?

  38. I don’t know how Jonah missed the fact that the movie is about a persecuted, spiritual group of people who accept the leadership of a man who looks like them, but is inhabited by the spirit of a being from the heavens, and he teaches them how to throw off the yoke of their oppressors and save themselves.

  39. [re=486750]vendetta[/re]: the Irish, too. People stopped being scared of popey one-world government around the same time that the Irish went from not being allowed to have jobs to being the president. Are blacks the next admission to the white-man club?

  40. [re=486739]Cape Clod[/re]: Actually a guy who use to write for Popular Electronics named Don Lancaster used the term unobtainium before microchips were invented.

  41. Perhaps being a Christmas Warrior is a state of mind that can’t be turned off on Dec 26. We should be expecting weird, Tourettes-like “but it’s all about Jeebus!!!!” bursts for weeks to come.

  42. [re=486661]weejee[/re]: What I don’t understand about fundies and apocalypse 2012 is how they can accept that the calendar of a pagan culture predicts the end of the world. I think that puts them in conflict with 1st. commandment thing.

  43. [re=486763]gurukalehuru[/re]: They were originally conceived as Space Muslins, but the later retool did get a little close to Jewish stereotypes.

    [re=486768]germansteel[/re]: He probably went there in the Book of Mormon, though.

  44. The “faith instinct” seems inextricably linked the “hate anyone who looks or acts different than your clan” instinct. I always thought that the triumph of reason (free will?) over instinct was what separated human people from animals.

  45. Unforgiven 1992:
    Clint Eastwood
    Being a Christian isn’t easy…just ask William Muny.
    “That’s right. I’ve killed women and children. I’ve killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another. And I’m here to kill you, Little Bill”

    I often find myself saying something like this when the Holy Spirit is upon me.

    “All right, I’m coming out. Any man I see out there, I’m gonna shoot him. Any sumbitch takes a shot at me, I’m not only gonna kill him, but I’m gonna kill his wife, all his friends, and burn his damn house down. ”

    Of course there are benefits to being a good Christian, as William Muney illustrates in this immortal scene.
    “I was lucky in the order, but I’ve always been lucky when it comes to killin’ folks”

  46. [re=486694]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Shit, all we need to do is find living things, even microbes, on Europa or some other place other than here.

    Okay, Fundies, which “day” were they created on? Huh?

    I’m really surprised they haven’t tried to shut down NASA.

  47. [re=486793]Gumboz1953[/re]: The Bush Administration’s NASA director forced the agency to remove all references to the Big Bang in reports, until he was fired for having lied about being a college graduate. So that was a start.

  48. The fact that the Jonahs hate this movie so is the only reason I’m seeing it. Well, that and all the neato 3D stuff flying at my head and the hot, blue leotard sex.

  49. What I find fascinating, and infuriating, is how the culture war debate is routinely described by antagonists on both sides as a conflict between the religious and the un-religious.

    Dear Jonah, you dumbass — get this through your pea-sized skull: The vast majority of Americans are religious, even the ones who the right routinely attacks as being part of some secret secularist agenda. Your witless false parity means you’re not even fucking paying attention to both sides. One side alone — the one composed of screaming religious crybabies such as yourself — routinely describes the culture war debate as a conflict between the religious and the unreligious. The other side describes it as a an assault on their sensibilities by a group of neanderthal thugs who won’t rest until their idiotic fucking doctrine is imposed on an unwilling populace. Hope that clears things up for all the self-righteous, hypocritical, falsely pious bastards out there.

  50. [re=486827]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You are obviously not among the conservative Protestants, Catholics, – even Jews!!1! – who make up this vastly diverse theological diversity.

    Remember the happy ending that was the Iraq war when Blackwater accepted Jeebus into their hearts? Jonah does.

  51. [re=486780]betterDeadThanRed[/re]:
    The fundaments are twenty-twelvers, but they just don’t know it, and besides the teevee has sorta made the 1st ammend passe. The whole seen seems sort of like Chuckles the Clown who after dressing up like a peanut gets shucked to death by a rogue elephant (see about 6:12 in on the tape). Today we have lots of elephants going rogue andthere are pawlenty of Armageddonites in the peanut gallery just awaitin’ to get shucked.

  52. [re=486761]Cape Clod[/re]: Also missed the pretty heavy-handed crucifixion reference with the little sparkly light things right at the beginning.

  53. The idea that humans have a spiritual side is universal, thus inclusionary. The minute you link that spirituality to any one religion, you become exclusionary. So, as good Capitalist, Cameron wants to make the most money he can by appealing to the broadest audience he can — thus no references to ANY Earth-based religion.

    So, Jonah, what have you got against Capitalism?

  54. [re=486669]comicbookguy[/re]: “A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark. Unlike Jesus who died for our sins and came back.”

    [re=486725]anonymousryan[/re]:Also the Na’Vi would have worm white underwear through the movie

  55. [re=486769]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: I first heard about unobtanium from a nuclear scientist who worked at Hanford during WWII, so the term has been around almost 70 years.

  56. Coming from a guy whose brother is purple (though perhaps not 10 feet tall), I see where his unique personal link to the issue might have clouded his judgement and inhibited his better angels. It’s also too bad that he smells like farts a lot of the time, he probably can’t help it, and we should lay off him for it, or people will think we are being unkind to helpless impotent mouth-breathing antisocial pencil-dicked geeks.

  57. [re=486787]betterDeadThanRed[/re]:
    The “faith instinct” seems inextricably linked the “hate anyone who looks or acts different than your clan” instinct.

    All gay men act like Perez Hilton, all lesbians yearn for a “who’s-yer-daddy” hanging between their thighs and all atheists seem incapable of understanding that the best explanation that science has for all the matter and energy that exists in the universe is “it appeared out of nothingness, one moment it didn’t exist the next moment Boom!…like in the bible (but without the dialogue)”.
    I think they are driven by an instinctual desire to appear smarter than those around them, even when they can’t explain it any better than the next man, but what the hell do I know, I hate everybody who doesn’t belong to my clan.

    Wassamatta Red, that not snarky enough for ya?

  58. [re=486834]Extemporanus[/re]: In the interest of accuracy, that should be “Aames” with two ‘A’s, just like the program Willie keeps flunking out of.

    [re=486840]Mojopo[/re]: Whatever you do, don’t rent “Vag-y Tales” by mistake.

    Even though it also involves vegetables and a greedy Bunny, your Jeebus-y sister will never let you babysit her kids ever again.

  59. Haha bullshit, the Na’vi weren’t “spiritual” or “religious” at all. As Sigourney Weaver’s character explains “this isn’t some spiritual mumbo jumbo” they literally depend on their connection to nature for survival. The message is atheist.

  60. Accepting the lord JC into their hearts? Please, you doughy pant-load. Edgy would be if they accepted the teachings of Muhammad into their hearts. Who’s an unbeliever now, eh Jonah?

  61. [re=486652]Norbert[/re]: Or that the reason why Darth Vader stops the Emperor from killing Luke and kills the Emperor instead was because he saw a vision of a cross in the distance and Jesus entered his heart. In fact, you could argue that’s what Lucas intended all along as both Darth/Annakin and Obi Wan are seen surrounded by a heavenly glow when they bid Luke farewell during the Ewok Jamboree.

  62. You know, I always thought Jonah was Episcopalian like the Witch-Queen Lucianne from whence he spawned. But it turns out he identifies as Jewish.

    So yeah, fuck your fat self-loathing ass, Load.

  63. I hope you all realize that it’s moronic, delusional, superstitious assholes like Jonah Goldberg who keep the gubmint from telling us the truth about teh UFOs. Because ‘ET’ would fuck up their whole ‘splanations about science and shit.

  64. Listen up, Red America commentators—Hollywood has had about enough of your shit. Every goddamn year, we make Reese Witherspoon or Jennifer Garner or some other A-Lister star in an absolutely wretched Xmas-related film so that you mouth-breathing, spittle-flecked knuckle-draggers can have somewhere to park your bratty kids for two hours while you masturbate over the latest doodads at Wal-Mart.

    So unless you want your only Christmas movies to star Kirk Cameron, Mel Gibson and Casper fucking Van Diem from now on, you better recognize what we do for you, year in, year out.

    So shut the fuck up and have a Merry goddam Christmas!

    PS- Why are cultural conservatives and not neocons pissed at Avatar? Was the whole movie not about Iraq?

  65. A better ending to The Ten Commandments would have been for Charlton Heston to accept Jeebus into his heart. But he didn’t because Hollywood hates religion, and the hero needed to bed the hot slave girl (a Jew).

    Oh wait, I meant Planet of the Apes.

    Didn’t Dr. Zaius say apes have a transcendent will to believe or something.

  66. [re=486919]Hooray For Anything[/re]: This would explain why chapters 1 and 2 of Lucas’ epic were not only full of stupidly simplistic character motivation but also internally inconsistent. It was a big shout out to The Book.

  67. [re=486647]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: “produce a story in which, oh maybe the Aztecs ‘accepted Jesus Christ into their hearts.'”

    Ha, Joseph Smith has already written that film. There’s a small industry devoted to producing movies around it. Try checking out the LDS movie billboards on the Bangerter Highway sometime. Or just look up “Lamanites” on Wikipedia.

  68. Bloody hell, [re=487152]the prophet of Deseret[/re]: you’re making that shit up. Next thing you’ll say is Joseph Smith got visions by looking into his stovepipe hat!

  69. Ya know…every time I see that Spiderman outfit I say to myself, “Self, you would so take yourself to see THAT Spiderman movie.”

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