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Use your teeth, AllenPETE SESSIONS INSANELY GAY FOR TERRIBLE CRIMINAL: “Just hours after federal agents charged banker Allen Stanford with fleecing investors of $7 billion, the disgraced financier received a message from one of Congress’ most powerful members, Pete Sessions. ‘I love you and believe in you,’ said the e-mail sent on Feb. 17. ‘If you want my ear/voice — e-mail,’ it said, signed ‘Pete.'” So… they’re fucking. [Miami Herald]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • bago

    They’re on a fucking first name basis.

  • Extemporanus

    To Sir, with love.

    (And a little teeth.)

  • SayItWithWookies

    “If you want my voice” translated means “if you want to look for my tonsils with your penis.”

  • GeneralLerong

    I’m so, so sorry the Alaska delegation of Young and Stevens and Murkowski didn’t get in on this. Sounds like ‘way more fun than those grimy, low-rent oil industry “subsidies” in stuffy hotel rooms. Don Young is probably crying himself blind with jealousy.

  • Sweet Baby Cheeses

    I guess Stanford is getting his Peter Sessions in jail now.

  • Red Zeppelin

    Florida Republican. Check. Closeted gay. Check. Financial shenanigans. Check. The only question is whether this is newsworthy.

  • Come here a minute

    So! You never know when that sparkin’ thing is going to happen.

  • betterDeadThanRed

    Bernie made such a big splash that my first thought at the news of Allen Stanford was “Thank god he’s not another Jew.” Of course we still have Lieberman around to reinforce the self-loathing.

  • Ducksworthy

    So will the feds probe Session’s orifices to see which are stuffed with Stanford’s semen stained $100 bills?

  • Snarkalicious

    I wonder what odd evolutionary twist it took to make the Republican gene coincide 100% with the presence of the “My asshole converts folding currency into lube” gene.

    I’ll go with cousin fucking as a first guess.

  • S.Luggo

    Dear Jeff:
    And I’m gonna give you every inch of my love.
    — Allen

  • chascates

    Soul mates. Both slimey asshats.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=485781]Snarkalicious[/re]: “You’ve got to give [Stanford] credit, he got the best bang for his buck.”

  • DiscoUkulele

    If you want my mouth/ass — e-mail

  • Prommie

    Y’all have dirty, sick perverted elite liberal minds. He was just trying to get ahold of some of Stanford’s Bud Light.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=485784]S.Luggo[/re]: Dear Allen:



  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Here comes Pete Sessions again
    With the liquor and drugs
    And the flesh machine
    He’s gonna do another strip tease.
    Hey man, where’d ya get that lotion?
    I’ve been hurting since I’ve bought the gimmick
    about something called love
    Yeah, something called love.
    Well, that’s like hypnotizing chickens.
    Well, I’m just a modern guy
    Of course, I’ve had it in the ear before.
    I have a lust for life
    ‘Cause of a lust for life.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    “Agents are examining campaign dollars, as well as lavish Caribbean trips funded by Stanford for politicians and their spouses, feting them with lobster dinners and caviar.”

    Whatever filthy sex games these people are into, why did they have to bring shellfish into it?! Won’t somebody think of the roe?

  • elburrito

    Why are you so cynical… he was just talking about a nice handjob.

  • Lee
  • d23

    they are all criminal. Indite them all, convict them, and let’s start over from scratch.

  • Mr Blifil

    The only thing more sexy than a wealthy financier is a disgraced formerly wealthy financier. I mean, what’s not to love?

  • Buzz Feedback

    Who wouldn’t put their dikk in Pete Sessions’ ear?

  • Brendan M.

    Don’t forget, this is the same (eager) asshole who proclaimed the Taliban to be the role models for House Republicans during the Obama administration, so this really isn’t so bad…at least by comparison.

  • stew

    Ear? Aural Sex?

  • S.Luggo

    From Wikipedia;
    “In July 2007, [US Rep. Mark Kirk (R-Closet, Ill.)] proposed what he sees as a long term solution to the problem of Mexican immigration: shipping condoms to poor areas of Mexico.”

    The Kirk’s orginal proposal was ‘buttsecks’, but staff caught it in time.

  • PrairiePossum

    Whoever said money can’t buy you love never met Pete Sessions. He has plenty of love for sale.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=485819]PrairiePossum[/re]: Cole Porter. Kudos.

  • problemwithcaring

    [re=485788]DiscoUkulele[/re]: Teehee!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Stanford, that’s the guy that effed up the cricket, i’nt, he?

  • ManchuCandidate

    I guess there’s a rear entry into Session’s Klan Robes.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=485818]S.Luggo[/re]: That would be my Congressman. Gawd wut a clustermunge.

  • CivicHoliday

    The Christmas Spirit is still alive and well. Thanks for the late present, Santa! I needed a laugh today!

  • getoffmylawn

    yep, lends a whole new meaning to the banking concepts of “deposit” and “withdrawal.”

  • Justin Time

    I want to point out that Pete Sessions is a Republican representing Dallas – as in Texas. This is despite the fact that the story was from the Miami Herald. We have way too many jackass republicans from Florida in Congress as it is – we don’t need to claim one from Texas as our own. Is this related to Pox Gnus always identifying any republican in hot water as a democrat?

  • Scooter

    Isn’t Dubya one of Pete Sessions constituents? He’s really just representin’, ya know?

  • oldguy

    “That is why Congressman Sessions has made transparency and accountability central to his commitment to fiscal responsibility. To shine the light on government operations and tax dollar use, Congressman Sessions supports the following priorities….” From the Honorable Member of Congress’s website. List of bullshit priorities omitted.

  • AxmxZ

    Ear/voice I’ll give you for free, but for ass you still pay fifty upfront.

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    Worst Bob Dylan/The Band album ever: “The Peter Sessions.”

  • CanadianBacon

    I bet if you go to Pete Sessions web site you won’t see a picture promoting Michelle Malkin. At least there are some lines even he won’t cross.

  • Cicada

    [re=485914]CanadianBacon[/re]: Think of the wasted ad dollars promoting Malkin’s appearance to the Wonketteers. It sort of makes up for looking at her face, really.

  • S.Luggo

    “Transparency and accountability? … In Antigua we don’t need no stinkin’ transparency and accountability!”

    With Allen, Jeff in a lovely, diaphanous Haole shirt.
    So not ghey.

  • CanadianBacon

    [re=485917]Cicada[/re]: The ad is paid for by Pepto-Bismol, they are making money off our suffering.

  • S.Luggo

    re=485812]Buzz Feedback[/re]:
    Who would want to be where Jason Chaffetz (R: And-the-colored-girls-go, Utah) has already gone?

    Sessions is also obsessed with the sweetness of young boy love, also. E,g,: http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/07/289_malkin4.jpg

    Jefferson Beauregard “Jeff” Sessions III.
    Isn’t it a pity, isn‘t it a shame?

  • AKAM80TheWolf

    Who decided it would be a good idea to stack ads of Malkin’s vicious taint AND Emperor Gayface? No mas!

  • Up To Here Again

    Well, Mr Sessions, what have you got in the freezer?

  • Up To Here Again

    Now, would Pete Sessions defend Mark Kirk from Andy Martin?

  • Up To Here Again

    Republicans will do anything to get in on a ponzi scheme.

  • Up To Here Again

    Anything on Marc Foley’s Facebook page about this?

  • Up To Here Again

    Ah, yes, the BUSINESS of government.

  • Bruno

    So what is he using to communicate emails to his ear? These genetic mutations are becoming so confusing

  • Up To Here Again

    The GOP is just so GAY these days!

  • thesheriffisnear

    Putting the “White” in white-collar crime.

  • dijetlo

    The part that is worthy of attention here is that this wasn’t originally caught by the justice department, it was investigated as a Ponzi scheme by the SEC and refferred when the links to the Pols turned up.
    I think we should investigate everyone who contributes large amounts of money to politicians, as the police like to say, you don’t hand money to the crack man unless you’re buying crack,

  • Halloween Jack

    [re=485800]Lee[/re]: That’s a very, very good question. The local press certainly seems to be giving a certain amount of traction to the rantings of Martin, who has long been known to be bugfuck crazy.