Wonkette
Whoa hey is it almost the 2010s? And here I am still writing “Fuck the Pope” on my checks. Well, let’s start the first of a Very Long Series of special “year ender” journamalism features of the kind you could once find in your “local newspaper” this time of year, back when there were newspapers.
You remember, maybe, a bunch of half-ass thumbsuckers and “retrospectives” typed by conventional-wisdom newspaper reporters so they could take off a whole week at Christmas and yet still have “evergreen” articles in the paper, alongside a bunch of obvious AP graphics and re-used Photos of the Year? ANYWAY: Did you know that this was a really terrible decade, in every measurable way?
But let’s focus on the Positive, and all gather around the YouTube clip of a Yule Log as we celebrate the Top 100 special moments of this nameless ‘tardtastic decade, “The first decade of the Third Millennium.”
100. John Edwards chased into a Los Angeles hotel bathroom by National Enquirer reporters.
99. Nevada governor Jim Gibbons imitating the Hip Hop by putting a napkin on his head, on a cruise ship.
98. YouTube.
97. Barack Obama’s DNC speech, in the Year 2000. Or whenever it was …. we didn’t see it, but this is how he became president, is that right?
96. Meghan McCain’s “children’s book” which was just some awful propaganda about her war-criminal crank dad printed alongside the world’s shittiest faux-Rockwell illustrations.
95. Just the whole concept of Meghan McCain, in general.
94. Mark Foley, Republican congressional star of Florida, just cold fuckin’ boys and drunkenly trying to hump on House pages. Bonus: He used AIM.
93. Everybody got hugely fat, and also poor. Wait that is pretty much a bad thing, right? Let’s move on.
92. PUMAs!
90. Warblogging.
89. Teabagging.
88. The first season — and only the first season, really — of the pay-teevee cable western, Deadwood.
87. Ron Paul’s presidential campaign.
86. Ron Paul’s BLIMP.
85. Freedom Fries.
84. Eh, maybe we should break this up into *sections,* yes, for Maximum Page Views. Page Views! That was something from the 2000s, right? (And also from the 1990s, which look so much better from the rear-view of the 2000s.)
83. Profit?
So will 2010 be better or should I start buying cheap gin by the truckload?
Whatever we call this decade, the word “tardtastic” must be involved.
The Tardtastic Tweens? Tardtasticarama? Tripping the Light Tardtastic?
Delete “warblogging” from the list. I really love when Wonketteers go after some whackjob website with the TruckNutz and all.
pardon the lack of smack, (stark snark, as it were) but who exactly is the title photograph of, again?
Eighty-two to go. So far, it seems that the ones who’ve disappeared from the radar screen are the winners. Sad ending.
Sorry but Mouthpiece Theatre need to be WAAAY higher up that list…
Since we’re about to roll over the odometer to 10, can we please relive my favoritest smash hit of the last 10s? Please!
http://i40.tinypic.com/2ujoa34.jpg
The Santorum family photo is priceless.
I feel sorry for those kids and hope they can rise above having that asshole for a father.
The wife has that look “I can’t believe I fuck this twerp.”
Remember, it all started with Y2K — and, we couldn’t party like it was 1999 anymore.
Basically, whatever sayitwithwookies says, I meant to say first
If it’s anything like 1999/2000, there should be several tedious, annoying pedants who’ll start whining that the decade isn’t almost over, it should be 2011.
At least Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Strom Thurmond are dead. That’s gotta count for something.
Chickensmack: Oh, to actually forget that creature would be very lucky indeed. You’re better off not knowing.
Not to be hating, but da Youtubez has to be #1. And what about that ARod? He was wacky, amirite?
I’m waiting for turning “Santorum” from a surname into a, well, a … um … different thing.
Love the Denny Hastert/George Bush photo! Always makes me laugh. Kinda like maybe they were able to create a beautiful, fully-functional woman in their lab, but are then bemused when she begins to exert free will.
Let the “Listicles” Begin !
Will this be available in book form?
What about vanilla steamers?
I agree with Deadwood on the top 100 moments list (cocksucker), but by Dis we better see Rome on the list as well. I am thinking about #2 or #3.
Animated Gifs should be NUMBER 1!!!
Does any one have any proof that Meghan McCain actually exist and is not just the fever dream?
Meghan Mc…who?
For all its mind boggling shitiness, the decade has a certain symmetry to it: Started out with a tardtastic dimwit in the headlines (G W Bush) and ends with dimwitted retard with tits in the headlines (S Palin).
Oh God please get me into the next decade already. I’m sure it’ll be so much better than that last one.
- Richard Simmons, December 1989.
We cannot forget great moments in Wonkette history; perhaps the greatest was The War on Paultards, when for a brief moment we worked with Red State against a mutual … well, whatever they were….
And of course Nadine?
good times.
PoetryMan: Aw, thanks — but really, the only thing I want to remember about the last ten years is their complete and utter repudiation. And I don’t even care if we start with war crimes trials, legalizing weed, denying suffrage to those who believe in creationism, universal healthcare (don’t stop trying!), putting electric shock collars on Wall Street executives, or requiring any right-wing pundit who complains about the liberal media to drive a Prius. Now let’s get crackin’.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: I personally saw the picture of her casabas, and I am convinced that she really exists. Unfortunately. Drano notwithstanding.
Oh God, please get me into the next decade already. I’m sure it will be so much better than the old one.
- Oral Roberts, December, 2009
SayItWithWookies: You are not a real progressive, since you don’t want all this to be done in three weeks by gay immigrants.
Ashley Todd, we hardly knew ye.
One more thing, Ash. There are direct flights from Collge Station, Texas, to Wasilla.
SmutBoffin: Three weeks?! Now be realistic — we couldn’t even get everyone fitted for their Mao jackets in three weeks.
bureaucrap: Add Jesse Helms to that list.
If I were Bob Casey, I’d rub one out to the thought of making Rick Santorum’s feed-’em-Jeebus kid cry every day for eternity.
bureaucrap: Ronald Reagan and Gerald Ford too!
You forgot Poland.
tunamelt: Maybe so…Blingees should have a place all their own.
Twitter, Sarah Palin, teabaggers, Dick Cheney, non-existent WMDs, Glenn Beck, Viagara, …it’s been fun watching the fall of Western Civilization this last decade.
JMP: Sorry I was late…
This numbered list of 100 top moments reads like a Fox News Poll Graphic….
Love me some Hot M4M Jeff Gannon.
The number one moment of the last decade is that time when there was never a terrorist attack during the Bush administration.
The Manitoba Conspiracy!!!!
That Santorum photo is fantastic!
Dear Baby Jeebus, please hear my Christmas prayer: Let 2010 be the year Rick Santorum begins building his presidential campaign.
A recent post by one “tcg” on Free Republic summarizes says it all: “I see a Santorum Presidential campaign within the ‘Rocky’ motif. After all, Rick is a tremendous fighter for children in the womb. He has won elections, and he has lost, but like every real fighter he gets back up. He also turns losses into teachable moments. We need a fighter.”
And God knows, America needs more versions of the photograph that opens this fine discussion. Did you know Rick has TWICE as many children as the crybabies pictured here? I, for one, can’t wait to meet them.
Let’s not forget the thoroughly contemptible Chambliss campaign against Max Cleland — the nadir, or perhaps the apex, of Rovian campaign tactics. The satisfying repudiation of George Allen and Liddy Dole and the thrill of saying “Senator Franken” help. Oh, and add to the gone baby gone list Robert McNamara, that bright shining lie.
I’m pretty sure this makes me unequivocally evil, but just the sight of Santorum’s moppet’s tears strolling down her cheeks gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.
I wonder if she asked God why he let Daddy lose the election that night.
Or, if you look at the picture long enough, she also looks like she’s squeezing out the worlds most vicious fart. I’ve had a few like that, you know where your whole body contorts itself and tenses, and you put some backbone because you just don’t care, whether something’s coming out with the gas or not doesn’t matter, you’re going for full on mushroom cloud expulsion.
What if the Santorum and Palin spawn ever bred with each other, or maybe a Huckabee.
Teh horror! Teh horror!
That Santorum photo makes me weep with laughter and joy every time I see it. Does this make me a bad person? (Context: I am a Pennsylvania native.)
OMG! Who knew that the RNC supported this site:
http://gop.am/QhJi
I think Santorum is the webmaster. Please share!
nbawriter: Except, he’s another one of the human shit eaters willing to fuck millions for the sake of the fetus.
That said, that photo served as my wallpaper for 261 days.
The Denny Hastert and Bush one is not one I’d ever seen before, and it’s just teh awesome. It’s like a horrible, horrible rendition of “The Office” or “Arrested Development.”
So, a troll and a retard walk into a bar…
In the future, everyone will carry a sign. Most signs will contain words that are spelled wrong.
Deadwood, as the highest form of art ever displayed on television (all three seasons), should be higher than #88.
Yeah what the hell was wrong with the second two seasons of Deadwood? Besides the weirdo theater troupe.
LowerdPeninsula: Which one is the troll and which one is the retard?
I’m sorry, but this is borderline incoherent.
Gregoire: Yes. I demand it should be edited to be fully incoherent to keep up Wonkette’s standards.
If #1 isn’t TruckNutz, I’m joining the John Birch Society.
Tardtastic…. Pretty much sums it up.
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