The Telex Machine Is Kept So Clean, and It Types To a Waiting World

  daily briefing
  • Four police officers in Washington state were gunned down in a coffee shop by some psychopath. [Seattle P-I]
  • The “person of interest” is a child-raping monster who got out of prison in Arkansas thanks to then-Gov. Mike Huckabee, so probably it’s goodbye to Mike Huckabee as a 2012 candidate, and there’s your “politics angle” for this awful story. [Arkansas Times]
  • Tiger Woods, who appears in those vague accounting-company advertisements in The Economist, crashed his vulgar SUV right outside his own vulgar Florida mansion, and his wife rescued him with a golf club or something, and maybe there is a MISTRESS, or PAINKILLERS. Very interesting, apparently. [NYT/SFGate/TMZ]
  • Remember Donald Rumsfeld? He let Osama bin Laden get away alive, in December 2001. Rumsfeld didn’t give a fuck about 9/11 or whatever, of course, and just two months later he was already way too busy with the neo-cons’ long-planned invasion of Iraq. [Guardian]
  • Oh hey Barack Obama maybe had his picture taken with those White House party crashers LAST YEAR, TOO, as proven by this caption: “Barack Obama poses with the Salahis, the Black Eyed Peas, and Randy Jackson.” This country sucks so hard. [Patrick Gavin]
  • Today is “Cyber Monday,” so you can masturbate all day at work, it’s cool — it’s for the Economy! [PC World]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

46 comments

  1. Suds McKenzie

    So Tiger Woods’ 7 iron took a vicodin and had a three way with an Escalade and a tree. Everyone should talk about this and only this all day.

  2. peggynoonansrickshaw

    i fucking hate those tiger woods ads. even worse than the belgian wind farm turtleneck guy.

  3. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    I’m anxiously waiting for Sean Hannity’s grilling of the Huckleberry. Should make for thrilling audio-visual experience with the 911 call, vintage videotape and the governor playing Amy Grant songs on his bass.

    This has nothing to do with the Huckleberry, but good, nonethless:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7nOFqIsSQ0

  4. Barcode of the Apocalypse

    “Politico has ased the White House for comment…” Did Politico forget the second “s” in “assed”?

  5. TGY

    Clemmons was a nice guy known for his holiday light displays…

    A mental case, obviously.

    but apparently had shown signs of mental disturbance recently.

    Confirmed.

  6. RoscoePColtraine

    First Vince the Sham-Wow guy had his tongue near bitten off by a “whore,” then Billy Mays croaked of a cocaine-induced myocardial infarction, and now Tiger Woods, tee-vee spokesman, narrowly escapes death outside his stately Florida home.

    These things come in threes, people.

  7. BadKitty

    [re=467639]MISTAHCOUGHDROP[/re]: Thank you for the link to that video. It was stunning.

    Resume snark….

  8. WadISay

    I wonder if it’s too early to ask Elin Nordegren Woods to go out Friday for a movie, a few beers and some revenge sex.

  9. Cicada

    Sanford’s out, Ensign’s out, and now we lose the Huckster. My dream ticket of Palin/Bachmann is getting ever more likely.
    Someone please dig up some dirt on Pawlenty and Romney. Dead girl or live boy, it doesn’t matter.

  10. PsycGirl

    “Minister” Huckabee seems to have a history of making decisions about inmates based on their conversions to Christianity and/or recommendations of other pastors. Because Christians never, ever kill people, I guess.

  11. ManchuCandidate

    [re=467653]Mr Blifil[/re]:
    Not surprised the Sun would print that article being a RW mishmash of Page 3 girls, sports, RW shrillness and phone sex ads.

  12. HipHopOpotamus

    Either I went stone cold crazy, or the picture of Obama with TLC’s soon-to-be biggest reality show stars is captioned with Randy Jackson resembling a slim white man who just got off work at Baskin-Robbin’s. Now, I know I wasn’t the biggest Idol watcher, but my instincts lead me to think that’s not correct.

  13. GeneralLerong

    [re=467655]PsycGirl[/re]: Any chance Dobson sells tapes of this murderer’s “conversion experience,” too?

  14. V572625694

    [re=467638]peggynoonansrickshaw[/re]: The most irritating ads of all are those smug fake yuppies against a white background talking about how wonderful they are because they read the NY Times.

    The media’s collective hardon for Tiger Woods is pretty disgusting too. He hits a little ball around with sticks. The importance of this is not immediately apparent.

  15. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    That clearly is WILL.I.AM, not Randy Jackson. Unless they are referring to the white guy who appears to be Sammy Sosa.

  16. bureaucrap

    I strongly believe that Tiger Woods deserves the same level of privacy that any of us would want if we were addicted to vicodin, BDSM, cocaine, meth, scat, orgies with supermodels, or all of the above.

  17. magic titty

    There are newspapers in Arkansas? I remember being offered a newswriting job (8,000 annual salary) there coming out of college, but I thought they were kidding.

  18. Larry McAwful

    In nature, barnacles, remoras and mold feed off of other living things and may or may not help improve the ecosystem. I’m not qualified to state, since I don’t know. I’d like someone to stand up for barnacles, remoras and mold and other parasites because maybe that would also justify the Salahis, somehow, because I can’t think of anything useful they proffer, either.

    Seriously: even bad entertainers entertain someone, but who do the Salahis entertain? Why don’t they die of shame, already? If I were them, I know I would.

  19. Larry McAwful

    [re=467675]V572625694[/re]: Yes! Yes! OH GOD YES! I thought I was the only person in the world who hated those fake fucking yuppies so much! “I think we came together over the Styles section.” “No, I think it was the Week in Review.” “He loves a bargain.” “I do.” “I recently went to Spain and the Travel section helped me plan my trip.” “The best journalists in the world work for the New York Times… and there’s really no debating that.” Yes, asshole: there’s no considering other possibilities, just like the best journalists in the world never do, right? AAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!11!1!11!!!

  20. samsuncle

    Nothing on the Fox website about Huck’s pardon of Clemmons. But in all fairness to Fox I scrolled through their site pretty fast because I was holding my nose.

  21. What Fresh Hell is This?

    In the world, 25,000 people died of starvation today. One billion won’t get enough to eat.

    Tiger Woods, Sarah Palin, and the Salahis are a luxury beyond all imagining.

  22. proudgrampa

    Now you KNOW that if a conservative Republican grants clemency to a whack-job, Hannity and his ilk are gonna color it so that it’s somehow OK. Only liberal Democrats get chastised for releasing murderers and rapists.

  23. Larry McAwful

    [re=467701]proudgrampa[/re]: Well, they might be murderers and rapists, but if they’re just worried about the deficit, how can we truly find fault? Also: tax cuts.

  24. weejee

    OMG, Ken’s got the early shift.

    BTW the suspect of interest in the shooting of the four officers in Washington State woulda shoulda been in an Arkansas hoose cow if not for a Gov. Huckabeebee commute. The Huckster must now have the Willies knowing he will be in such deep Dukaka in 2012 – Horton ain’t the only Who.

    href=”http://www.seattlepi.com/local/412737_suspect230.html” title=””>http://www.seattlepi.com/local/412737_suspect230.html

  25. norbizness

    I thought all particularly vicious criminals in Arkansas were sentenced to be eaten by one of Huckabee’s whale-sons.

  26. slappypaddy

    [re=467694]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: so true. wonkette is likewise a luxury beyond all imagining. i sit here eating cashews and drinking coffee and playing in wonkettia and yes, you have shamed me, but i will not die of it.

    while it is not my place to say who should live or die, i wouldn’t mind if shame put a hurting on the bush league. they let bin laden escape eight years ago because they knew if they caught him, their war would be over, just like in chess when you take the king. they wanted a forever war for their corporate profits and their militaristic wet-dreams. what they gave us instead is moral and financial bankruptcy and yet another defeat.

    may they live a long time, tormented by nightmares as they wander the cold halls of their mansions in their sleep, frantically trying to scour the stains of blood from their feeble hands.

  27. bitchincamaro

    [re=467723]slappypaddy[/re]: as they wander the cold halls of their mansions prisons in their sleep, frantically trying to scour the stains… ~ fixed

  28. dijetlo

    Tiger Woods, Sarah Palin, and the Salahis are a luxury beyond all imagining.
    Hey! You’re supposed to be a lobotomized retard, you’re not allowed to think like that. The next thing you know you’ll be questioning authority and making decisions based on your own moral compass instead of purchasing them in your basic cable package! You, my friend, are obviously not a team player.


  29. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=467638]peggynoonansrickshaw[/re]: Yeah you just know that turtleneck dweeb is severely beaten by his wife every morning. But he is making kind of a triangle with his hands! (He is the star of Belgian “Sprockets.”)

  30. Snarkalicious

    [re=467652]Cicada[/re]: Fuck all, you’re right… I can’t for the life of me think who would win the fight for first pick, or which one it would be over. I guess if the ‘prize’ were the dead girl, tho, Mitt would take it is a matter of faith so he could baptize the corpse twice.

  31. pondscum

    My mother, in a desperate attempt to make conversation over the holiday weekend, asked what I thought about Tiger’s accident. My reply: “It’s not news.” She was a bit taken aback, but did STFU.
    I’m really tired of him AND the turtle necked yuppies.

  32. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Sarah Palin visits the State of Washington, and in a few days, there is a brutal murder of police officers supposedly by a person who Mike Huckabee set free. Coincidence?

    And we already know that Palin hates the Police. Look at what she did to her former brother-in-law.

    I’m just asking the questions here America. The ones that, to this day, Sarah Palin has failed to answer. How dare you threaten my free speech when all I do is ask questions!

  33. Humpback

    “Turtle necked yuppies”, eh? Do their heads retract into their chests? Because it would be a while before I tired of seeing that.

  34. AuBricker@MSN.com

    Mike Huckabee will do anything to keep this story from attaching itself to him, and many of his supports will argue on his behalf. Ironically, many are the same people who poured salt into the Willie Horton wound.

  35. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=467681]bureaucrap[/re]: “I strongly believe that Tiger Woods deserves the same level of privacy that any of us would want if we were addicted to vicodin, BDSM, cocaine, meth, scat, orgies with supermodels, or all of the above.”

    WIN. Though, for the description of him I’d added “ridiculously wealthy and influential, and famous as all-get-out.”

    Yes, “Leave Britney, Alone!”, indeed. His wife beat his ass. I said it from the beginning.

Comments are closed.