SO IT'S TOO LATE TO BOMB DC?  5:00 pm November 25, 2009

by Ken Layne

Remember the Summer of Love Sacks?SOUNDS LIKE A WONKETTE STAFF MEETING: “The fierce Latina who grew up in a trailer park, the annoying little brother who will hook up with anyone, the inner-city orphan with enough machismo to own this city, the country girl who lived in a barn, the high school sweetheart who discovered he was bisexual, the rebel from a Christian cult and the wannabe rocker ….” But, ha ha, we don’t even have staff meetings. Meet the idiots from MTV’s Real World in DC. [Examiner]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 34 comments }

Terry November 25, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Wow, they make every city seem exactly like every other one, don’t they?

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2009 at 5:11 pm

Where’s the hooker with the heart of gold and the gruff-but-lovable beat cop?

hunter.blatherer November 25, 2009 at 5:11 pm

This is about the Supreme Court?

Mr Blifil November 25, 2009 at 5:17 pm

All because they won’t let cameras into the house on C Street.

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Welcome to D.C. you guys!

Don’t forget to pick-up a few souvenirs while you’re in town!

grevillea November 25, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Who will be the first to tell barn girl that it’s not normal to get hand-milked twice a day?

thejesusandmarycheney November 25, 2009 at 5:20 pm

I’m like, all of these in one. Where’s my shitty reality show?

shadowMark November 25, 2009 at 5:22 pm

After she’s crowned, will Sarah’s henchmen drag off all the MTV decision-makers to re-education camps at the base of Lazy Mountain in Alaska? Because I’m thinking that would be a good Real World series.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 25, 2009 at 5:28 pm

[re=466782]Mr Blifil[/re]: Which brings up the question: How do you tell the difference between the Real World and The Family? I was betting that John Ensign was the high school sweetheart that found that he was gay, and Mark Sanford was the rebel from a Christian cult and the wannabe rocker.

What the what November 25, 2009 at 5:31 pm

Swear to god, I got two thirds through this post before I realized it *wasn’t* about the Supreme Court . . .

thejesusandmarycheney November 25, 2009 at 5:32 pm

[re=466793]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: No Latinas in The Family, besides Consuela the maid of course.

thesheriffisnear November 25, 2009 at 5:47 pm

[re=466795]What the what[/re]: I really don’t see how you could make a SCOTUS reference as there was no mention of an incompetent, self-loathing negro.

SmutBoffin November 25, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Conclave of the Insufferable…

Guppy06 November 25, 2009 at 6:04 pm

They do this in DC and don’t include jailbait pages or pretentious interns?

What Fresh Hell is This? November 25, 2009 at 6:07 pm

Ah, mental illness as entertainment! What next, a series about OCD people in junk-filled houses?

AKAM80TheWolf November 25, 2009 at 6:09 pm

I’ll have a cup of Mike please. That is all.

shadowMark November 25, 2009 at 6:22 pm

[re=466807]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: That’s a good idea, film the Sarah Palin presidency as she turns the White House into the DC version of her Wasilla bedroom–all the floors covered with fashion magazines, scratched-off instant winners, crumpled-up lottery tickets, empty beer cans, beer bottles filled with suspicious liquids, paper towels caked with make-up, all manner of underwear stained with suspicious liquids, newspapers opened to the TV guide section, copies of the Wall Street Journal turning yellow and never opened, a dead moose covered in flies and in the back corner a wolf with its left front paw caught in a steel-jaw trap growling as it chews through its own leg at the ankle trying to get the fuck out of there.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 25, 2009 at 6:28 pm

[re=466796]thejesusandmarycheney[/re]: I thought about that, but then I thought that maybe Tom Coburn liked to dress up in drag and brown face.

slappypaddy November 25, 2009 at 6:40 pm

“the high school sweetheart who discovered he was bisexual”

it’s a safe bet that if he was a sweetheart in high school, he’d already made the discovery

V572625694 November 25, 2009 at 6:41 pm

[re=466813]shadowMark[/re]: Nice! Sounds like Slothrop’s desk in Gravity’s Rainbow.

Crank Tango November 25, 2009 at 6:44 pm

[re=466785]grevillea[/re]: not me, that’s for sure. I am dying for a hand milking I don’t have to do myself. Please tell me barn girl is Laura from antm…

Flanders November 25, 2009 at 6:46 pm

[re=466806]Guppy06[/re]: Lay off Riley!

Kingbee November 25, 2009 at 7:45 pm

That must be a diagram of MY “Love Sack”, because it has the correct number of stones in it.

Bearbloke November 25, 2009 at 9:15 pm

[re=466807]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: I’d watch that…

Joshua Norton November 25, 2009 at 9:45 pm

Hey! You all were supposed to send Riley over to provide us with daily updates so we could rain down unending snark on their parade and NOW you’re telling us that it’s in the can and ready to air.

Someone dropped the ball here folks. Heads are gonna roll!

What Fresh Hell is This? November 25, 2009 at 9:50 pm

[re=466867]Bearbloke[/re]: Uh, I think there’s an OCD channel with a full line-up of shows featuring elderly women with cats.

S.Luggo November 25, 2009 at 9:51 pm

” ‘The fierce Latina who grew up in a trailer park …’” Fail.

A. Latinos/Latinas do not grow up in trailer parks. They grow up in crack houses.
B. There is no such thing as a “fierce Latina”. Just one who hasn’t gotten her Food Stamps.
— Lou Dobbs.

Long Form Def Certificate November 25, 2009 at 10:08 pm

I want to know if the ghetto orphan is female, ’cause if so, there’s a good chance my boy Elijah Dukes is going to get her knocked up. Then send threatening texts to her.

… Or maybe, she’ll be the one to save his soul?

[plays Jewel]

Yup.

Unrelatedly, that new Hayden-Harnett girl is looking great. But a little culty. The tunic/dashiki has me thinking of Polyphonic Spree &/or Heaven’s Gate.

Joshua Norton November 25, 2009 at 10:17 pm

Dork, dork, slut, dweeb, big ‘mo….

Kind of like the cast of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’.

Aeirlys November 25, 2009 at 11:08 pm

For a second, I thought this was a description of the current Supreme Court.

walkaway November 25, 2009 at 11:13 pm

MTV’s Real World SCOTUS, featuring …

the fierce Latina = Sotomayor (obvs)

the annoying little brother who will hook up with anyone = Alito (ew)

the inner-city orphan with enough machismo to own this city = Scalia (also featuring his BFF, Ginsberg — will her kick-ass feminism threaten their friendship? — and Thomas, the one toy the orphan boy can call his own [Coke can sold separately])

the country girl who lived in a barn = O’Connor (follow her adventures as she tires of the SCOTUS lifestyle and returns to Lazy B ranch)

the high school sweetheart who discovered he was bisexual = Kennedy (swings both ways)

the rebel from a Christian cult and the wannabe rocker = Roberts (no one rocks the goth makeup like repressed Christian boys)

also featuring a couple of status quo, vaguely liberal white guys who aren’t juicy enough for the press write-up = Breyer & Stevens

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 11:40 pm

[re=466868]Joshua Norton[/re]: I repeatedly requested—via arch comments and unhinged emails—that Riley, Ace of Guise, be dispatched on just such a doomed suicide mission as well, but to no avail.

Perhaps snark-worthy redemption could be had in the form of episodic recaps awash in Riley’s inimitable brand of bold face-flecked esoteric effluvium, or better yet, in an eight-part exposé examining the tragic human toll inflicted upon this unholy, octo-whored hell house by the STD-wielding denizens of D.C.—known by them, simply, as “friend”, “neighbor”, “dude”, “barista”, “ho”, and the like—whom I would assume have the phone numbers of both Burson-Marsteller and Planned Parenthood at the top of their iPhone “Favorites” list.

[re=466873]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Not as unrelatedly as you might think.

That new Hayden-Harnett girl is The Real World: D.C.’s “rebel from a Christian cult.”

DC Hates Me November 26, 2009 at 2:16 am

While in DC, remember to try the Coprophagia. It’s a DC specialty.

thesheriffisnear November 26, 2009 at 4:50 am

[re=466891]walkaway[/re]: I stand corrected

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