C’MON! SINISTER DAVID BROOKS CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED JOHN THUNE (R-SD) IS “SUN-CHAPPED” IN A “PRAIRIE” SORT OF WAY: “The first thing everybody knows about him is that he is tall (6 feet 4 inches), tanned (in a prairie, sun-chapped sort of way) and handsome (John McCain jokes that if he had Thune’s face he’d be president right now). If you wanted a Republican with the same general body type and athletic grace as Barack Obama, you’d pick Thune.” [New York Times]

 

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{ 83 comments }

Snarkalicious November 13, 2009 at 1:56 pm

Leather chapped, also.

AxmxZ November 13, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Slash fic!

tiny mexican November 13, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Were those the same sun chapped hands that groped his thigh at some Washington dinner a while back? Maybe when he told MSNBC about it he wasn’t confessing, he was bragging.

Crank Tango November 13, 2009 at 1:58 pm

So what is wrong with being tan in an orange sort of way?

ManchuCandidate November 13, 2009 at 1:59 pm

Yes David. It’s all about the, er, size and not the shitty, short sighted policies you and your clan of retarded orc babies are peddling.

Gorillionaire November 13, 2009 at 1:59 pm

Speaking of closeted gay Republican douche hats, I heard Ross Douchehat on NPR this morning. he sounds exactly like I imagined he would.

hiphophitler November 13, 2009 at 2:00 pm

The NYT editors removed the part where Brooks talked about Thune’s bulging crotch and his tanned athletic midwestern penis.

CapnFatback November 13, 2009 at 2:02 pm

A total TILF.

JMP November 13, 2009 at 2:02 pm

Like most Republican politicians, he looks more tanned in a spray-on-can sort of way.

But David, you should show some guts and tell Sen. Thune how you really feel. If you don’t take the risk, you’ll never get to be happy with the closeted, bathroom-stall contact you crave, instead just sadly pining away from afar.

norbizness November 13, 2009 at 2:02 pm

He was orphaned and raised by a family of prairie chickens?

I can just see this brainless dickwad’s campaign slogan “2012 Can’t Come Thune Enough!” HAW HAW HAW

MMS November 13, 2009 at 2:02 pm

Alllright, and that was my recommended daily value of closeted homosexuality.

Noodle Salad November 13, 2009 at 2:03 pm

Three parentheticals in one sentence? Brooks (|) has something (|) on his mind (|).

you cannot be serious November 13, 2009 at 2:03 pm

If John McCain had John Thune’s face he would have been able to escape in the back of that ambulance and then kill his psychiatrist on Turks and Caicos. And the lambs would finally be silent, Clarice.

V572625694 November 13, 2009 at 2:05 pm

Does Brooks know about this part?

“An evangelical Christian, Thune graduated with a B.A. degree in Business from Biola University, an Evangelical Christian college near Los Angeles in 1983. He married the former Kimberley Weems of Doland, South Dakota, in 1984; both are committed Evangelical Christians.”

Biola U? No, Wikipedia is not making that up:

http://www.biola.edu/

Jesus healing for those who served! Way better than the VA, that hideous socialized medicine institution!

rev_matt_y November 13, 2009 at 2:06 pm

[re=457936]norbizness[/re]: If he uses that as his campaign slogan, I just might vote for him.

blader November 13, 2009 at 2:07 pm

The thought of Bobo doing the fapfapfap over this guy hurts

user-of-owls November 13, 2009 at 2:07 pm

“…and smells earthy (in a prairie, livestock excrement sort of way)”

CapnFatback November 13, 2009 at 2:07 pm

If you wanted a Republican with the same general body type and athletic grace as Barack Obama, you’d pick Thune.

I smell a game of Horse in the offing.

Extemporanus November 13, 2009 at 2:07 pm

How Thune is now?

He is the sun, and the air, of a dryness that is criminally vulgar…

Texan Bulldoggette November 13, 2009 at 2:08 pm

“If you wanted a Republican with the same general body type and athletic grace as Barack Obama…”. Yeah, because that’s all that matters about being El Hefe–body type & athletic grace.

David needs some time off, I believe. He’s starting to sound like the guy (George Will?) bitching about how uncivilized we’re becoming because we all wear dungaress nowadays.

SayItWithWookies November 13, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Oh, right — President Obama won the nomination and the office because of his body type. Now all the Republicans have to do is find someone equally fit who espouses their primitive, paranoid, medieval, American excepionalist warmongering values and bam — 2012 in the bag.

CapnFatback November 13, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=457955]CapnFatback[/re]: and close italics tag . . . NOW.

Extemporanus November 13, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=457939]Noodle Salad[/re]: Infant ass?

Texan Bulldoggette November 13, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=457958]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Oops…dungarees.

AxmxZ November 13, 2009 at 2:11 pm

[re=457947]V572625694[/re]: Sister school of Bullshit U, former Shinola U.

red sky November 13, 2009 at 2:12 pm

A Senator from South Dakota, so he represents nine people, yes, I really care what he has to say, unfortunately our current system of government allows him to have the same influence as a NY or Cali Senator who represents several million people. We need to combine several square states and strip them of their representatives before we get any real representational government around here.

finallyhappy November 13, 2009 at 2:13 pm

I’m wondering A LOT about David Brooks and his sexuality. I am going to ask someone who should really know. Maybe I’ll get an answer this time.

SmutBoffin November 13, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Sorry, David, I prefer to rely on Meghan McCain’s analysis of who’s hot and who’s not in the Republic party.

widestanceromancer November 13, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Yes, he’s like Obama but without that sordid mulatto stain upon him. I’m waiting for the swimsuit competition before I pass judgment (and really, which of the two do you all think lives up to a Speedo?), so all I’ll say now is that if McCain had his face, he’d be Trig’s father.

dum librul November 13, 2009 at 2:16 pm

He’s right, though. “A body type that is long and thing and muscular enough for you to believe in” might have been an awkward campaign slogan, but Obama won, am I rite??

I love how they still haven’t figured out why Obama connected with people. First it was because he was “the black candidate,” so they vote in the blue muppet as RNC head to counteract that. Then blue muppet starts talking about running his hip hop outreach program, because it was clearly Obama the hip hop candidate who appealed to so many. Now it’s…Obama the ectomorph? At least they not making a secret of how little they think policy and ideas matter.

stew November 13, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Yeah, that small-town-midwestern-happy-white-people-values act works so well these days. If they can just keep them meskins ‘n coloreds n’ queeros from uh-votin’.

bitchincamaro November 13, 2009 at 2:16 pm

“Filthy cock jackal” comes immediately to mind.

user-of-owls November 13, 2009 at 2:16 pm

[re=457965]Extemporanus[/re]: You cracked the code!

dum librul November 13, 2009 at 2:18 pm

[re=457979]dum librul[/re]: Get a brain, typo laden moran!

bitchincamaro November 13, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Only Brooks could start a paragraph with, “Butt deep in the bowels of the G.O.P.” and get away with it. Fucking wanker.

ella November 13, 2009 at 2:20 pm

[re=457972]finallyhappy[/re]: “…in a prairie, sun-chapped sort of way…” has all the answer I need.

SmutBoffin November 13, 2009 at 2:22 pm

[re=457981]bitchincamaro[/re]: Is that “filthy-cock jackal” or “filthy cock-jackal”? There’s a world of difference.

stew November 13, 2009 at 2:23 pm

I went to Biola’s site–they ain’t too crazy about that Darwin guy.

glamourdammerung November 13, 2009 at 2:23 pm

“John McCain jokes that if he had Thune’s face he’d be president right now”

Is anyone else having Ed Gein nightmares now?

JMP November 13, 2009 at 2:24 pm

[re=457970]red sky[/re]: Well, the last Senator from South Dakota to run for president did really well, so Thune’s got that going for him.

Hooray For Anything November 13, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Yay, another east-coast intellectual Republican waxing rhapsodic over some politician mainly because they live in a borderline third-world state whose only intelligent non-redneck citizen left years ago, actually takes the Bible seriously, and looks convincing in a cowboy hat. I have a dream that one day, a Jewish intellectual Georgetown-dwelling Republican pundit will wax rhapsodic over a Jewish intellectual Georgetown-dwelling Republican politician.

Suds McKenzie November 13, 2009 at 2:27 pm

The “tannest” generation.

bitchincamaro November 13, 2009 at 2:29 pm

I anxiously await the moment on The News Hour when Mark Shields violently shakes his head and spews jowl-jism all over Brooks. Those two must give Brooke Shields nightmares.

glamourdammerung November 13, 2009 at 2:30 pm

[re=458004]Hooray For Anything[/re]: “I have a dream that one day, a Jewish intellectual Georgetown-dwelling Republican pundit will wax rhapsodic over a Jewish intellectual Georgetown-dwelling Republican politician.”

You might want to be careful what you wish for. I think that the last time they did that was for Henry Kissinger.

magic titty November 13, 2009 at 2:30 pm

So if John McCain was white he would’ve won?

Vulpes82 November 13, 2009 at 2:31 pm

He could sweep down my prairie any time. And, being a Jeebusy Republican senator, I’m sure he’d be happy to oblige!

Snarkalicious November 13, 2009 at 2:31 pm

[re=457993]SmutBoffin[/re]: It’s a choose your own ‘adventure’ sort of deal.

bitchincamaro November 13, 2009 at 2:33 pm

[re=457993]SmutBoffin[/re]: Word-wizard Newell must weigh-in on this issue.

OReillysVibrator November 13, 2009 at 2:36 pm

This was a column I skimmed at 7 in the morning and knew was destined for Wonkette. There’s no way he’s so secure in his sexuality he won’t reflect on this and consider that he might be gay.

Click November 13, 2009 at 2:43 pm

[re=457939]Noodle Salad[/re]: Thune’s smile parentheses must have inspired him.

Lewang November 13, 2009 at 2:44 pm

I lived in SD for a while and was active-ish in politics… I know a good many people who have met Thune and words like “dim bulb” and “fucking idiot” get thrown around a fair amount.

Actually, I WANT this guy to run. GOP disasters are good disasters!

Jerri November 13, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Fuckin’ Walnuts. If he ever stopped feeling bitter, self-pity he’d just turn into dust and float away.

An Outhouse November 13, 2009 at 2:46 pm

“Were those the same sun chapped hands that groped his thigh at some Washington dinner a while back?”

I’m beginning to believe that Brooks was stroking his own thigh.

snideinplainsight November 13, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Could Wonkette just pre-emptively out all the self-evidently gay conservative pundits and governors? Since apparently one thing you need to surrender to be a member of Jeebusland is any reliable gaydar? How hard could this be?

vladster November 13, 2009 at 3:02 pm

[re=457947]V572625694[/re]: From Biola website:
Biola University is a private Christian university located in Southern California. For over 100 years, Biola — a community where all faculty, staff and students are professing Christians — has been committed to biblically centered education, intentional spiritual development and vocational preparation.

With more than 145 academic programs through its seven schools, Biola offers degrees ranging from B.A. to Ph.D.

How the hell can anyone learn anything in an environment where everybody “professes” the same thing.
WINGNUTS

Click November 13, 2009 at 3:05 pm

[re=458067]vladster[/re]: Biola? I hear the parties are MUCH more fun at Mineola.

One Yield Regular November 13, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Years ago (in the days before anyone ever thought of something so conservative as “gay marriage”) there was a fabulous little book entitled “Gay Semiotics” that pictorially represented the “codes” conveyed visually via back-pocket handkerchiefs by gay men who were cruising. This column reads like a textual version of the images in that book, as addressed to members of the Log Cabin Club.

assistant/atlas November 13, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Whoa….this guy went to BIOLA? I used to know a bunch of people who went there who would come to USC to hang out somewhere they could drink. They were the fucking dumbest people–borderline retarded dumb, every single one–I have ever met. Seriously, it’s right up there with Liberty U. and Ozarks Bible College or whatever. That said, they were very nice.

[re=457970]red sky[/re]: Yes, N & S Dakota should be forcibly merged into just Dakota…and Kanslahoma has a nice ring, don’t you think? Or maybe Kanbraska?

Guppy06 November 13, 2009 at 3:22 pm

“(John McCain jokes that if he had Thune’s face he’d be president right now)”

Ah, those silly women-folk, always voting with their vajayjays.

Though I suppose they did, in a sense: women didn’t want Sarah Palin anywhere near their plumbing.

Mr Blifil November 13, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Thune vs. Obama. That should work out real well for Republicans.

zoeb November 13, 2009 at 3:32 pm

“His father was a Naval aviator in World War II and a genuine war hero. ”

and what does that have to do with the son, pray tell?

“John was a high school basketball star and possesses idyllic small-town manners”

what are idyllic manners?

this is an unbelieveably crappy piece of writing. The Times is dead as far as I’m concerned.

chascates November 13, 2009 at 3:45 pm

But deep in the bowels of the G.O.P., there are serious people having quiet conversations.

That’s where their ideas come from all right.

Hooray For Anything November 13, 2009 at 3:49 pm

[re=458131]zoeb[/re]: Here are some “idyllic small-town manners”: helps old ladies across the street, says “thank you” and “ma’am” to everyone, cries at Boy Scout ceremonies, and consistently votes against gay rights but uses coded language to hide deep-seated homophobia and is very polite to gay people when he meets them.

This is opposed to “non idyllic big-city manners” which largely consists of giving everyone else the finger, ripping off your dealer, having threesomes with hookers, and cutting in line to get into the hottest gay club

SayItWithWookies November 13, 2009 at 3:54 pm

[re=458067]vladster[/re]: And here I thought Biola was some sort of orchestral instrument that goes both ways.

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 13, 2009 at 3:55 pm

[re=458024]OReillysVibrator[/re]: I thought the same thing. Only I skipped over the “might be gay” and went directly to “Oh sister girl please.”

HuddledMass November 13, 2009 at 4:01 pm

[re=457960]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It’s the same sharp Republican reasoning that put Michael Steele in charge of the RNC — same “body type,” see?

saggyboobedhag November 13, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Who is David Brooks and why does anyone care what he says?

Crank Tango November 13, 2009 at 4:12 pm

Is this dude any relation to reporter Trisha Thune?

finallyhappy November 13, 2009 at 4:18 pm

[re=458189]saggyboobedhag[/re]: John Thune cares now. He knows who appreciates him.

Creative Nickname November 13, 2009 at 4:19 pm

I can’t quit you, John Thune.

MarSF November 13, 2009 at 4:52 pm

David Brooks has once again proven himself to be a half retarded mouth breathing man-child who tries to portray himself as some sort of intellectual. Thune is a complete tool. If Bobo thinks he is the manly man who is going to roll in from the bleached tundra of Fucking South Dakota and defeat Barry in 2012 he must be smoking some serious hash these days.

Bruno November 13, 2009 at 5:05 pm

Let’s get some pixxx of him bearchested walking on the Hawaiian beaches?

zoeb November 13, 2009 at 5:25 pm

[re=458171]Hooray For Anything[/re]:

sorry, you misunderstood me–I was snarking because this is what idyllic means:

·dyl·lic (-dlk)
adj.
1. Of or having the nature of an idyll.
2. Simple and carefree: an idyllic vacation in a seashore cottage.

you could talk about an idyllic place, but not idyllic manners–that was sloppy writing.

Brooks could have said–”he has the manners of someone from an idyllic small town”.

kind of awkward, though.

June Cleaver 2.0 November 13, 2009 at 5:27 pm

Yes, but does Thune’s butt look as pinchable as Obama’s, now that is the question.

Click November 13, 2009 at 6:13 pm

[re=458321]zoeb[/re]: Simple and carefree….like a babbling Brooks.

zoeb November 13, 2009 at 6:51 pm

[re=458390]Click[/re]:

hahah–good one!

lamoll November 13, 2009 at 7:34 pm

The valedictorian of my HS (Class of 66) went to Biola: she also was a truly talented classical piano player; her parent were missionaries. She wasn’t a Prejean type, but earnest and sincere. She wore her hair in braids. we were merciless towards her (god rest my adolescent hippie soul, even now).
David Brooks is a dim bulb. Also.

skutre November 13, 2009 at 8:08 pm

He looks like the Halloween Mask of ‘The Grinning Forehead’ a lesser known Batman foe.

BerkeleyFarm November 13, 2009 at 8:40 pm

[re=457947]V572625694[/re]: Back when I was a teenage Roller, it was Biola College. It started out as Bible Institute of Los Angeles but I guess they liked those federal dollars. I guess they stacked a bidnis skool on top of the undergrad to make themselves a University. All the other Christian skools were doing it, I guess.

1ofUS November 13, 2009 at 9:58 pm

[re=457947]V572625694[/re]: “CNN referred to him as the ‘regular guy’ and a ‘hot commodity in GOP circle jerks.’

LowerdPeninsula November 14, 2009 at 12:17 am

Sorry, but is David really wrong? We really are that shallow and have been for a very long time. Looks and build actually do count for something in politics. He’s not saying that looks and build are a game-changer, but that they matter. I can’t believe I’m agreeing with this douchebag.

BerkeleyFarm November 14, 2009 at 12:34 am

[re=457986]bitchincamaro[/re]: I have to wonder if he’s seriously constipated. It’d explain almost as much as the Closet Ghey theory.

Not-a-Doctor BerkeleyFarm prescribes probiotics and a blowjob.

John Thune November 14, 2009 at 6:20 pm

God damn I wish I hadn’t been at work all day yesterday so I could have commented on this! Scuttlebutt has always been that though my alter ego is not gay, he is something of a womanizer. He’s a good campaigner and beloved by wingnuts all over the country, but sure doesn’t have our Barry’s mental acuity.

Thune/Potted Plant 2012!

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