PROMINENT NAKEDS  11:07 am November 13, 2009

by Juli Weiner

A HOCKEY STICK! The lucky object that Levi Johnston oriented around his naked body in such a way as to accentuate his penis or clean fingernails or whatever in the sex pictures he’s doing. Congratulations to a hockey stick, which presumably beat out some sort of physical manifestation of Twitter and Graydon Carter’s fancyman hairpiece to get the gig. [US]


Hola wonkerados.

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Click November 13, 2009 at 11:10 am

Get the puck outta here.

Click November 13, 2009 at 11:12 am

“People are going to see more of Levi than they thought,” Jones tells Us. “There was a hockey stick involved.”
Great. I look forward to some candid shots of his descending colon.

Bruno November 13, 2009 at 11:19 am

Hockey sticks can also be used for penetrating orafaces. I think this could appear to a certain subsegment of Playgirl’s readership.

NopantsMcGee November 13, 2009 at 11:20 am

Why was I not informed before this that Mario Lopez was in Playgirl?

Click November 13, 2009 at 11:21 am

[re=457691]NopantsMcGee[/re]: Someone’s got some catching up to do….

freakishlystrong November 13, 2009 at 11:24 am

I’m looking forward to getting an unvarnished view of his fucking red neck.

2150 November 13, 2009 at 11:26 am

good choice! i love hockey!!

Texan Bulldoggette November 13, 2009 at 11:29 am

Not sure if that’s good or bad. Good: your dick is as long as a hockey stick; Bad: your dick is as skinny as a hockey stick. Although I’m in TX where hockey ain’t a real AMERICAN sport (see Football) so I could be wrong about the circumference thingy.

Gopherit November 13, 2009 at 11:29 am

Dear gods, the snowbilly is going to redefine high sticking and we’ll all go blind.

proudgrampa November 13, 2009 at 11:30 am

An honest question: do people (women, men, whatever) really consider him attractive?

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 13, 2009 at 11:33 am

[re=457711]proudgrampa[/re]: Ever so slightly. But then again, this isn’t about how he looks from the waist up, amirite?

Chain Tattoo November 13, 2009 at 11:33 am

Dear Wonkette:

You and Us (the magazine, not the real us) are a victim of a tragic spelling error. There is no hockey stick involved, merely a stocky hick.

We regret the error, but spellcheck doesn’t catch everything.

Yours with best gay porn wishes,

The Editors of Playgirl

Texan Bulldoggette November 13, 2009 at 11:34 am

[re=457711]proudgrampa[/re]: He’s a cute 19 year old boy, but I would feel a little dirty-old-womanish looking at his “Johnson”. His only real usefulness is as a tool to bring Snowbilly’s hypocritical Christian-y empire to a massive implosion.

iambiguous November 13, 2009 at 11:34 am

How is it possible that Levi Johnston will soon be on the cover of Time magazine while you and I are reduced to lampooning him here?

What the hell was God thinking when she invented pop culture and celebrities?

Or did we…of our own free will…invent them ourselves?

Either way, we’re all going to Hell. And deservedly.


SayItWithWookies November 13, 2009 at 11:36 am

To paraphrase Churchill about the whole Palin clan (and outliers): Never have so many been so enamored of so few who have done so little.

norbizness November 13, 2009 at 11:40 am

So I should go ahead and ignore the Wonkette feed today then, right?

NopantsMcGee November 13, 2009 at 11:43 am

[re=457711]proudgrampa[/re]: Yes, he’s gorgeous, IMO. I like his type. Cute, well muscled yet not gross about it, a little dumb and naked. All the things I like in a feller.

shadowMark November 13, 2009 at 11:46 am


Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…

And…always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…

If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle – that’s the thing.

And…always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin – give the audience a grin
Enjoy it – it’s your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ‘em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the right side of life…
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the bright side of life…
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life…
(I mean – what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing – you’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)

Always look on the right side of life…

Humpback November 13, 2009 at 11:46 am

Hockey? Ice? Cold? Has no one ever heard of shrinkage?

ShamWow November 13, 2009 at 11:47 am

[re=457711]proudgrampa[/re]: I’ve already written to Santa for a copy in my stocking. He’s cute, not super-attractive especially when speaking, but cute nonetheless.

geminisunmars November 13, 2009 at 11:49 am

[re=457711]proudgrampa[/re]: He’s cute. Just needs a little, umm, mentoring.

Mac W Cheese November 13, 2009 at 11:55 am

He’s cute in an underage twink taking off his clothes for money kinda way. Chicks love that.

Click November 13, 2009 at 11:56 am

[re=457711]proudgrampa[/re]: No. And thanks for asking. I find him to be completely and unequivocally unarousing. He strikes me as the type of dude who is far more enamored with his own anatomy and “desirability” than that of any of his female prospects.

What Fresh Hell is This? November 13, 2009 at 11:59 am

Darn, if McCain had only gone with Mark Sanford, we wouldn’t have had anything to talk about.

As they said in reviewing potential candidates in February 08 on “Sarah Palin: She’s the extremely popular, very attractive, very young governor of Alaska. She’s appealing and fairly conservative, but she’s a little too inexperienced for the job since she’s only been governor of Alaska since 2006.”

Holding Out for a Hero November 13, 2009 at 12:09 pm

So many jokes, so little time.

Snarkalicious November 13, 2009 at 12:13 pm

Holy shit. A 55 degree bend? What the hell have you been doing with that thing, kid?

Click November 13, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Give me some of this young thing naked, the we’ll talk…

Paterlanger November 13, 2009 at 12:23 pm

Look out ladies. Levi has his stick in hand and is looking to sneak one through your five-hole.

Come here a minute November 13, 2009 at 12:27 pm

Better be a goalie stick.

TGY November 13, 2009 at 12:34 pm

[re=457726]Humpback[/re]: Good observation. Crossing mah legs as I contemplate ice on the naked johnson.

ph7 November 13, 2009 at 12:38 pm

Going Pirogue!

earnestcivilservant November 13, 2009 at 12:43 pm

[re=457764]Snarkalicious[/re]: Bristol.

Click November 13, 2009 at 12:45 pm

[re=457767]Click[/re]: Since uploading that pic, I’ve clicked it 65 times and gone through 7 sets of batteries.

earnestcivilservant November 13, 2009 at 12:47 pm

This fifteen minutes of fame thing is getting out of hand. I am torn between wishing the whole snowbilly extended family would drop off the face of the earth, and wishing that Levi decides to run for Governor.

Proudgrampa: NoPants said it best: “a little dumb and naked.” Yes, sadly, he is attractive. In just the same way as Sarah Palin, or would be, if she were naked.

tootsieroll November 13, 2009 at 12:47 pm

I think Levi and Ms. “DIY” Prejean could become the right’s newest super-couple!

earnestcivilservant November 13, 2009 at 12:49 pm

[re=457800]ph7[/re]: Going Pirogue…isn’t that the autobiography of Lec Walesa?

Not_So_Much November 13, 2009 at 1:10 pm

‘Hockey Stick’ like a graph? In which things trend dramatically UP? I need to bleach my brain…

bitchincamaro November 13, 2009 at 1:21 pm

I understand he regualarly shoots from the blue line. Also.

Extemporanus November 13, 2009 at 1:28 pm

[re=457691]NopantsMcGee[/re]: Start HERE and work your way backward through the replies.

donner_froh November 13, 2009 at 1:45 pm

[re=457673]Click[/re]: If someone isn’t real careful with that hockey stick we might be looking at his prolapsed colon.

Snarkalicious November 13, 2009 at 1:52 pm

[re=457807]earnestcivilservant[/re]: Jesus. Where? Up the nose?

Extemporanus November 13, 2009 at 1:54 pm

[re=457905]donner_froh[/re]: Has he been playing long enough to go pro?

Vulpes82 November 13, 2009 at 1:58 pm

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but more and more I find myself liking young Levi. I mean, he’s cute enough, but not really my type, and I doubt there’s any genius there, but he seems to have some sort of brain buried in there somewhere. He’s another celebrity-for-no-reason, but hasn’t quite yet gone batshit like all the other famewhores seem to. Maybe because he’s capitalizing on an accident more than indulging dysfunction? I don’t know, but I don’t hate him, and hope he continues to be successful.

binarian November 13, 2009 at 2:01 pm

I first saw this and I thought it was a Beavis and Butthead reference, then I thought it was someone getting moose head, then I read the article. And lost interest. Levi who?

Decker November 13, 2009 at 2:44 pm

I think he should shield himself with a photo of Sarah, ala John Cleese in A Fish Called Wanda

sanantonerose November 13, 2009 at 3:06 pm

I’m sorry, the hockey stick is lame and probably has been done. (Wayne Gretsky?) I’m very fond of LA’s antler version.

FilthyMilk November 13, 2009 at 3:35 pm

An actual douchebag would be a better cover.

Mr Blifil November 13, 2009 at 3:46 pm

I’ll settle for some elegant side-ball.

Accordion-o-rama November 13, 2009 at 4:05 pm

Sure hope this issue comes out on the same day as “Going Rogue” and “Going Rouge”.

saggyboobedhag November 13, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Levi needs to make a sex tape with his hockey team.

Otherwise, his 15 minutes of fame are over.

lochnessmonster November 13, 2009 at 5:58 pm

Well for posing for the naughty pictures he will go straight to H E double hockey sticks!

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