'i would characterize it as a hazing'

  • VIRGINIA COPS, THEY AIN’T TOO SMART: “Five Virginia Department of Corrections officers have been charged with animal cruelty involving the fondling of a K-9 dog and videotaping the two incidents … ‘Essentially, he was touching the dog’s penis with his hand,’ Beasley said. ‘The others were there filming it. That’s actually how we learned of it — there’s a video.'” Oh fine, one more funny sentence: “‘I would characterize it as hazing,’ he said, claiming that Thompson was told by the others, ‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.'” [Culpeper Star-Exponent, the best name in newspaper history]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • chascates

    Take THAT, South Carolina!

  • WickedWitch

    I would characterize that as bestiality.

    No wonder some people in the Old Dominion were against mixed marriages. They didn’t want their children to grow up to be dog lovers.

  • Darkness

    Every vet who handles dog breeding is going, um, so?

  • Mild Midwesterner

    It’s called doing it doggy style, and you’re doing it wrong.

  • sati demise

    Laura told George the same thing about a horse!

    Bush is still too afraid to ride.
    Didn’t work for him either.

  • Darkness

    ‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater chance of it humping your leg at inopportune times.’ — fixed.

  • finallyhappy

    So is this because they didn’t want to be touching each other? Gay, no, Bestiality, yes? Is this a southern thing?

  • slappypaddy

    ‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’

    there is an important and valuable insight to be gleaned from this over the issue of how best to control inmates in jails and prisons. and middle schools. and legislatures.

  • P Drizzle
  • Lascauxcaveman

    I always wonder how they got Eddie to do all those clever tricks on Frasier.

    That Eddie was such a slut.

  • Servo

    [re=447437]slappypaddy[/re]:
    And town halls.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I wonder at what point does one realize that life might not be working out for them when one is jerking off a dog?

  • pub_option

    The Officers who were fired are now working for Wackenoffhut.

  • PlanetWingnuta

    hmmmm please tell me they vote republican….

  • PrairiePossum

    ‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’

    I’ve heard the same thing said of GOP congressmen.

  • ManchuCandidate

    [re=447450]PlanetWingnuta[/re]:
    It’s implied.

  • Servo

    It’s all fun-n-games until the cops show up…with a jar of Skippy peanut butter.

  • x111e7thst

    K-9 unit, put KY on your unit, masturbate: so easy to get these things confused

  • PrairiePossum

    I can’t wait for the new National Geographic Channel show, “The Dog Masturbater.”

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    Virginia is for . . .

  • WestEdEd

    WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?

    Trust me, google the above phrase, it’s on point.

  • shadowMark

    Cops and dogs. Yeah. Does anyone wonder why Meghan won’t show us her breasts any more?

  • Magog

    So he’ll be adding “K-9 fluffer” to his resume after he gets fired? In this economy, you’ve got to keep all of your options open.

  • V572625694

    “Department of Corrections officers” are, uh, prison guards, right? Not cops. Cops are much smarter: if they want to control a K9 unit they just slam the shit out of it with walkie-talkie.

  • magic titty

    So I’m the only one who *got* Newell’s reference to The Strokes??

  • Sharkey

    Why buy the dog when you can get the milk for free?

  • JMP

    See, Rick Santorum was right!

  • bitchincamaro

    Let me know when they’ve got tape of cops drinking margaritas out of a chiuaua’s ass, will you?

  • CumaeanSibyl

    [re=447460]WestEdEd[/re]: SON I AM DISAPPOINT.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And they said chivalry is dead.

  • TGY

    I think I read something about this on a toilet stall partition once. (Which, btw, is the origin of Wikipedia.)

  • Judas Peckerwood

    According to the story, these actions took place in “Goochland County.” C’mon, those poor guys (and dogs) never had a chance.

  • PoignancySelz

    This would NEVER happen in McDonnell’s Virginia.
    Wanna buy a liquor store?

  • Come here a minute

    I’ll reserve judgment until I read about it in the newspaper of record, the Manassas Moon-Integral.

  • slappypaddy

    [re=447460]WestEdEd[/re]: “WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS? Trust me, google the above phrase, it’s on point.”

    okay, i did. slow afternoon in the office, but what i found is NSFW. or for much else.

    that’s it, i’m going back to 1975. i’m going to hang from a huey skid and be evacuated from saigon, it makes more sense.

  • bitchincamaro

    Cocktober’s reached the nadir.

  • Scruffy_The_Janitor

    Anyone report on whether the dog enjoyed it??

  • HoboNutz

    So Vick sets up a dog fighting cage, and you all cry. Now these cops show a dog some love, and you all cry. There’s just no pleasing you all

  • dijetlo

    [re=447424]chascates[/re]: Oh, Virginia brought their ‘A’ game on this one. The part I find hard to understand is:
    How did they convince him that jacking off his dog was standard operating procedure?
    How did they convince him making a video of him jacking off the dog was standard operating procedure
    Can we now expect a hand job as part of traffic stop procedure if we’re ever given a ticket in VA? I’d don’t think I’d want it, but it would be nice if the state patrolman offered since following their logic it would make the entire experience more pleasant for all concerned.

  • Servo

    This gives a whole new meaning to “tossing the cells”.

  • wheelie

    The training manual clearly said, “If your K-9 Unit gets excited and jumps on someone, pull him off.”

  • user-of-owls

    “The White House confirmed today that President Obama has invited Kelvin Thompson and his dog to join the President for a beer in the Rose Garden next Friday.”

  • friendlynerd

    [re=447438]P Drizzle[/re]: they’re just milking the dog…

  • user-of-owls

    [re=447495]dijetlo[/re]: You’re not the only one who is somewhat baffled:

    Asked if he knew why the officers videotaped the incidents, Beasley replied: “I don’t have the slightest idea — I really don’t.“

  • vladster

    [re=447459]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: jerkoffs!!!

  • vladster

    I’ll be surfin’ YouTube real soon. Gotta see this!

  • bago

    Enumclaw is for lovers.
    ^Horse

  • RoscoePColtraine

    They told us gay marriage would lead to this. These Iowa cops were obviou….what?…..Virignia? They told us miscegenation would lead to this. These Virginia cops were obviously…(blah blah, you get the idea.)

  • Doglessliberal

    That’s “Culpecker” to locals.
    Those in the know also refer to Manassas as Manasshole.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=447450]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: It is Culpeper. The odds are pretty good. They use Democrats for target practice down that way.

  • Extemporanus

    Jim Belushi is now a Department of Corrections canine officer?

    I guess considering that he’s made about 20 movies that involve dogs, I shouldn’t be too surprised.

  • couchbound

    [re=447492]Scruffy_The_Janitor[/re]: who was that marvelous corrections officer?

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Pardon me if you heard this one before.

    Two guys are walking down the street and they come across a dog licking his doggy dick.
    First guy says, “Gee, I wish I could do that.”
    The second guy says, “I think you better pet him first.”

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=447468]JMP[/re]: but no, because the VA Constitution bars any partnership between two unrelated people that conveys any of the benefits of marriage (yes, it is that broad), so VA has gone a long way toward keepin’ out teh Gheys. So animals should be safe, right?

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=447527]Doglessliberal[/re]: ah, OK, it is Goochland. So no odds. It is guaranteed that they voted Repub.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Play with Rover’s dick, boys! He’ll “love” you ’til the day you die.

  • Lazy Media

    When did dog handlers become worse than frat boys when it comes to the hazin’? Don’t they need empathy to work with animals? WTF?

  • Lazy Media

    [re=447531]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Better punchline from the late Lewis Grizzard (who was an asshole, but funny): “That dawg will BITE yewwww!!!”

  • JMP

    [re=447535]Doglessliberal[/re]: It’s seeped in and contaminated VA from those dirty, gay-loving New England states and (sort of) Washington across the river! Besides, Leonard v Texas made man-on-man sex legal all through the country, and that’s what has made man-dog sex OK according to the old frothy mix of lube and fecal matter.

  • AnSnarkist

    Swear one day we’re going to leave this town. Great, now I’m going to have to listen to New York City Cops.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=447559]JMP[/re]: Yeah, VA has been forced to acknowledge Leonard, but they amended the Const right quick so them Gheys cannot be in loving, long term relationships with legal benefits because that makes the marriages of us straight people explode instantly. Or something.

    And Frothy Mix seems quite fixated on outre sex acts. Methinks he protesteth too much…

  • takes12no1

    [re=447460]WestEdEd[/re]: not exactly sure how “on point” it is…unless Va. corrections officers happen to be teenaged boys with a fetish for pokemon….well…but that was very funny nonetheless. as Peter Parker said: My responsible this.

  • the problem child

    ‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’

    I thought a K-9 unit was all the dogs and handlers at a given facility. Could this just be the tip of the iceberg?

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=447446]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Apparently only when you get caught.

  • jimmyjack

    “In Virginia, bestiality is covered by crimes against nature, which could have resulted in a felony charge, according to state statutes. But a felony charge requires “carnal knowledge” of a “brute beast,“ implying intercourse, said Beasley, who added that he consulted with the state veterinarian’s office before filing the charges.”

    Note to Lynn Cheney: No Dick for you in Virginia.

  • JMP

    [re=447569]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yeah, he’s gotta have something hiding in his closet; those who are so obsessed with what other people do with their genitals always do.

  • Pat Pending

    “…here comes the lipstick…” (Garden State)

  • gurukalehuru

    Oh, where is that magnificent hound?

  • gurukalehuru

    If he got fired from the Department of Corrections, maybe he can get a job at the dog POUND.

  • Crankenstank

    I’m pretty sure the dog didn’t consider it animal cruelty.

    I’ve always had my male dogs’ balls snipped off, socialist nazi communist that I am, but I’ve heard other owners claim the same thing as the K-9 cop quoted in the article.

    Conclusion: PETA’s just against ANYONE having a little fun.

  • Norbert

    They really screwed the pooch this time.

    Wank the Dog.

    Hound job.

    etc.

  • Jim89048

    Wonder when Ron White is gonna weigh in on this…

  • Mr Blifil

    Wonket: Masturbating Units Since the Aughts

  • comicbookguy

    and I thought redstate was the 101st Masturbatory Battalion. WOLVERINES!!!1!

  • pinko-commie

    Sexual acts with animals definitely goes in that category of, “If you do it, please spare the rest of us and never talk about it.” Like eating boogers. I just don’t want to know.

  • couchbound

    [re=447489]Come here a minute[/re]: I read it in the Falls Church Phobos-Fourier Series, so it must be true.

  • Paul Tardy

    They should thank their luck stars that there are no people cruelty laws.

  • NYNYNY

    Should have revived the photo of those two people hazing the Washington Post furry for this.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=447707]pinko-commie[/re]: Where do you stand on sexual acts with boogers?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=447514]bago[/re]: NOT ANYMORE! That dude moved to Tennessee, apparently. Still involved in horse-lovin’ :

    http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2010096822_horsesex20m.html

  • ElRat

    What this … no obligatory paw around?

  • Bearbloke

    [re=447460]WestEdEd[/re]: MEME FAIL!

    http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/whose-responsible-this

  • Bearbloke

    [re=447754]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Did you notice that the robo-advert on this Horse-sex newspage, which was “Selected for you by a sponsor” is from “The Mustang Muscle You Dreamed Of”… well Yiff Yiff Yippie Kai Yea, Horsefucker!

  • CanadianBacon

    ‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’” Especially if you don’t let go.