'I WOULD CHARACTERIZE IT AS A HAZING'  3:38 pm October 30, 2009

by Jim Newell

  • VIRGINIA COPS, THEY AIN’T TOO SMART: “Five Virginia Department of Corrections officers have been charged with animal cruelty involving the fondling of a K-9 dog and videotaping the two incidents … ‘Essentially, he was touching the dog’s penis with his hand,’ Beasley said. ‘The others were there filming it. That’s actually how we learned of it — there’s a video.’” Oh fine, one more funny sentence: “‘I would characterize it as hazing,’ he said, claiming that Thompson was told by the others, ‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’” [Culpeper Star-Exponent, the best name in newspaper history]
 

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{ 84 comments }

chascates October 30, 2009 at 3:40 pm

Take THAT, South Carolina!

WickedWitch October 30, 2009 at 3:41 pm

I would characterize that as bestiality.

No wonder some people in the Old Dominion were against mixed marriages. They didn’t want their children to grow up to be dog lovers.

Darkness October 30, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Every vet who handles dog breeding is going, um, so?

Mild Midwesterner October 30, 2009 at 3:43 pm

It’s called doing it doggy style, and you’re doing it wrong.

sati demise October 30, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Laura told George the same thing about a horse!

Bush is still too afraid to ride.
Didn’t work for him either.

Darkness October 30, 2009 at 3:44 pm

‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater chance of it humping your leg at inopportune times.’ — fixed.

finallyhappy October 30, 2009 at 3:45 pm

So is this because they didn’t want to be touching each other? Gay, no, Bestiality, yes? Is this a southern thing?

slappypaddy October 30, 2009 at 3:46 pm

‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’

there is an important and valuable insight to be gleaned from this over the issue of how best to control inmates in jails and prisons. and middle schools. and legislatures.

P Drizzle October 30, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Lascauxcaveman October 30, 2009 at 3:48 pm

I always wonder how they got Eddie to do all those clever tricks on Frasier.

That Eddie was such a slut.

Servo October 30, 2009 at 3:49 pm

[re=447437]slappypaddy[/re]:
And town halls.

ManchuCandidate October 30, 2009 at 3:49 pm

I wonder at what point does one realize that life might not be working out for them when one is jerking off a dog?

pub_option October 30, 2009 at 3:50 pm

The Officers who were fired are now working for Wackenoffhut.

PlanetWingnuta October 30, 2009 at 3:50 pm

hmmmm please tell me they vote republican….

PrairiePossum October 30, 2009 at 3:51 pm

‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’

I’ve heard the same thing said of GOP congressmen.

ManchuCandidate October 30, 2009 at 3:51 pm

[re=447450]PlanetWingnuta[/re]:
It’s implied.

Servo October 30, 2009 at 3:52 pm

It’s all fun-n-games until the cops show up…with a jar of Skippy peanut butter.

x111e7thst October 30, 2009 at 3:54 pm

K-9 unit, put KY on your unit, masturbate: so easy to get these things confused

PrairiePossum October 30, 2009 at 3:54 pm

I can’t wait for the new National Geographic Channel show, “The Dog Masturbater.”

Canmon (the Inadequate) October 30, 2009 at 3:55 pm

Virginia is for . . .

WestEdEd October 30, 2009 at 3:57 pm

WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?

Trust me, google the above phrase, it’s on point.

shadowMark October 30, 2009 at 3:58 pm

Cops and dogs. Yeah. Does anyone wonder why Meghan won’t show us her breasts any more?

Magog October 30, 2009 at 3:59 pm

So he’ll be adding “K-9 fluffer” to his resume after he gets fired? In this economy, you’ve got to keep all of your options open.

V572625694 October 30, 2009 at 3:59 pm

“Department of Corrections officers” are, uh, prison guards, right? Not cops. Cops are much smarter: if they want to control a K9 unit they just slam the shit out of it with walkie-talkie.

magic titty October 30, 2009 at 3:59 pm

So I’m the only one who *got* Newell’s reference to The Strokes??

Sharkey October 30, 2009 at 4:00 pm

Why buy the dog when you can get the milk for free?

JMP October 30, 2009 at 4:00 pm

See, Rick Santorum was right!

bitchincamaro October 30, 2009 at 4:04 pm

Let me know when they’ve got tape of cops drinking margaritas out of a chiuaua’s ass, will you?

CumaeanSibyl October 30, 2009 at 4:07 pm

[re=447460]WestEdEd[/re]: SON I AM DISAPPOINT.

SayItWithWookies October 30, 2009 at 4:07 pm

And they said chivalry is dead.

TGY October 30, 2009 at 4:09 pm

I think I read something about this on a toilet stall partition once. (Which, btw, is the origin of Wikipedia.)

Judas Peckerwood October 30, 2009 at 4:10 pm

According to the story, these actions took place in “Goochland County.” C’mon, those poor guys (and dogs) never had a chance.

PoignancySelz October 30, 2009 at 4:10 pm

This would NEVER happen in McDonnell’s Virginia.
Wanna buy a liquor store?

Come here a minute October 30, 2009 at 4:11 pm

I’ll reserve judgment until I read about it in the newspaper of record, the Manassas Moon-Integral.

slappypaddy October 30, 2009 at 4:12 pm

[re=447460]WestEdEd[/re]: “WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS? Trust me, google the above phrase, it’s on point.”

okay, i did. slow afternoon in the office, but what i found is NSFW. or for much else.

that’s it, i’m going back to 1975. i’m going to hang from a huey skid and be evacuated from saigon, it makes more sense.

bitchincamaro October 30, 2009 at 4:12 pm

Cocktober’s reached the nadir.

Scruffy_The_Janitor October 30, 2009 at 4:14 pm

Anyone report on whether the dog enjoyed it??

HoboNutz October 30, 2009 at 4:15 pm

So Vick sets up a dog fighting cage, and you all cry. Now these cops show a dog some love, and you all cry. There’s just no pleasing you all

dijetlo October 30, 2009 at 4:19 pm

[re=447424]chascates[/re]: Oh, Virginia brought their ‘A’ game on this one. The part I find hard to understand is:
How did they convince him that jacking off his dog was standard operating procedure?
How did they convince him making a video of him jacking off the dog was standard operating procedure
Can we now expect a hand job as part of traffic stop procedure if we’re ever given a ticket in VA? I’d don’t think I’d want it, but it would be nice if the state patrolman offered since following their logic it would make the entire experience more pleasant for all concerned.

Servo October 30, 2009 at 4:20 pm

This gives a whole new meaning to “tossing the cells”.

wheelie October 30, 2009 at 4:22 pm

The training manual clearly said, “If your K-9 Unit gets excited and jumps on someone, pull him off.”

user-of-owls October 30, 2009 at 4:23 pm

“The White House confirmed today that President Obama has invited Kelvin Thompson and his dog to join the President for a beer in the Rose Garden next Friday.”

friendlynerd October 30, 2009 at 4:23 pm

[re=447438]P Drizzle[/re]: they’re just milking the dog…

user-of-owls October 30, 2009 at 4:25 pm

[re=447495]dijetlo[/re]: You’re not the only one who is somewhat baffled:

Asked if he knew why the officers videotaped the incidents, Beasley replied: “I don’t have the slightest idea — I really don’t.“

vladster October 30, 2009 at 4:25 pm

[re=447459]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: jerkoffs!!!

vladster October 30, 2009 at 4:26 pm

I’ll be surfin’ YouTube real soon. Gotta see this!

bago October 30, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Enumclaw is for lovers.
^Horse

RoscoePColtraine October 30, 2009 at 4:29 pm

They told us gay marriage would lead to this. These Iowa cops were obviou….what?…..Virignia? They told us miscegenation would lead to this. These Virginia cops were obviously…(blah blah, you get the idea.)

Doglessliberal October 30, 2009 at 4:30 pm

That’s “Culpecker” to locals.
Those in the know also refer to Manassas as Manasshole.

Doglessliberal October 30, 2009 at 4:31 pm

[re=447450]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: It is Culpeper. The odds are pretty good. They use Democrats for target practice down that way.

Extemporanus October 30, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Jim Belushi is now a Department of Corrections canine officer?

I guess considering that he’s made about 20 movies that involve dogs, I shouldn’t be too surprised.

couchbound October 30, 2009 at 4:32 pm

[re=447492]Scruffy_The_Janitor[/re]: who was that marvelous corrections officer?

Monsieur Grumpe October 30, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Pardon me if you heard this one before.

Two guys are walking down the street and they come across a dog licking his doggy dick.
First guy says, “Gee, I wish I could do that.”
The second guy says, “I think you better pet him first.”

Doglessliberal October 30, 2009 at 4:33 pm

[re=447468]JMP[/re]: but no, because the VA Constitution bars any partnership between two unrelated people that conveys any of the benefits of marriage (yes, it is that broad), so VA has gone a long way toward keepin’ out teh Gheys. So animals should be safe, right?

Doglessliberal October 30, 2009 at 4:34 pm

[re=447527]Doglessliberal[/re]: ah, OK, it is Goochland. So no odds. It is guaranteed that they voted Repub.

RoscoePColtraine October 30, 2009 at 4:35 pm

Play with Rover’s dick, boys! He’ll “love” you ’til the day you die.

Lazy Media October 30, 2009 at 4:39 pm

When did dog handlers become worse than frat boys when it comes to the hazin’? Don’t they need empathy to work with animals? WTF?

Lazy Media October 30, 2009 at 4:42 pm

[re=447531]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Better punchline from the late Lewis Grizzard (who was an asshole, but funny): “That dawg will BITE yewwww!!!”

JMP October 30, 2009 at 4:42 pm

[re=447535]Doglessliberal[/re]: It’s seeped in and contaminated VA from those dirty, gay-loving New England states and (sort of) Washington across the river! Besides, Leonard v Texas made man-on-man sex legal all through the country, and that’s what has made man-dog sex OK according to the old frothy mix of lube and fecal matter.

AnSnarkist October 30, 2009 at 4:45 pm

Swear one day we’re going to leave this town. Great, now I’m going to have to listen to New York City Cops.

Doglessliberal October 30, 2009 at 4:49 pm

[re=447559]JMP[/re]: Yeah, VA has been forced to acknowledge Leonard, but they amended the Const right quick so them Gheys cannot be in loving, long term relationships with legal benefits because that makes the marriages of us straight people explode instantly. Or something.

And Frothy Mix seems quite fixated on outre sex acts. Methinks he protesteth too much…

takes12no1 October 30, 2009 at 4:49 pm

[re=447460]WestEdEd[/re]: not exactly sure how “on point” it is…unless Va. corrections officers happen to be teenaged boys with a fetish for pokemon….well…but that was very funny nonetheless. as Peter Parker said: My responsible this.

the problem child October 30, 2009 at 4:57 pm

‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’

I thought a K-9 unit was all the dogs and handlers at a given facility. Could this just be the tip of the iceberg?

assistant/atlas October 30, 2009 at 4:59 pm

[re=447446]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Apparently only when you get caught.

jimmyjack October 30, 2009 at 4:59 pm

“In Virginia, bestiality is covered by crimes against nature, which could have resulted in a felony charge, according to state statutes. But a felony charge requires “carnal knowledge” of a “brute beast,“ implying intercourse, said Beasley, who added that he consulted with the state veterinarian’s office before filing the charges.”

Note to Lynn Cheney: No Dick for you in Virginia.

JMP October 30, 2009 at 5:00 pm

[re=447569]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yeah, he’s gotta have something hiding in his closet; those who are so obsessed with what other people do with their genitals always do.

Pat Pending October 30, 2009 at 5:01 pm

“…here comes the lipstick…” (Garden State)

gurukalehuru October 30, 2009 at 5:10 pm

Oh, where is that magnificent hound?

gurukalehuru October 30, 2009 at 5:24 pm

If he got fired from the Department of Corrections, maybe he can get a job at the dog POUND.

Crankenstank October 30, 2009 at 5:44 pm

I’m pretty sure the dog didn’t consider it animal cruelty.

I’ve always had my male dogs’ balls snipped off, socialist nazi communist that I am, but I’ve heard other owners claim the same thing as the K-9 cop quoted in the article.

Conclusion: PETA’s just against ANYONE having a little fun.

Norbert October 30, 2009 at 5:49 pm

They really screwed the pooch this time.

Wank the Dog.

Hound job.

etc.

Jim89048 October 30, 2009 at 6:33 pm

Wonder when Ron White is gonna weigh in on this…

Mr Blifil October 30, 2009 at 6:33 pm

Wonket: Masturbating Units Since the Aughts

comicbookguy October 30, 2009 at 7:58 pm

and I thought redstate was the 101st Masturbatory Battalion. WOLVERINES!!!1!

pinko-commie October 30, 2009 at 8:19 pm

Sexual acts with animals definitely goes in that category of, “If you do it, please spare the rest of us and never talk about it.” Like eating boogers. I just don’t want to know.

couchbound October 30, 2009 at 8:54 pm

[re=447489]Come here a minute[/re]: I read it in the Falls Church Phobos-Fourier Series, so it must be true.

Paul Tardy October 30, 2009 at 9:17 pm

They should thank their luck stars that there are no people cruelty laws.

NYNYNY October 30, 2009 at 9:18 pm

Should have revived the photo of those two people hazing the Washington Post furry for this.

Extemporanus October 30, 2009 at 10:09 pm

[re=447707]pinko-commie[/re]: Where do you stand on sexual acts with boogers?

Lascauxcaveman October 30, 2009 at 11:37 pm

[re=447514]bago[/re]: NOT ANYMORE! That dude moved to Tennessee, apparently. Still involved in horse-lovin’ :

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2010096822_horsesex20m.html

ElRat November 1, 2009 at 12:33 pm

What this … no obligatory paw around?

Bearbloke November 1, 2009 at 3:41 pm

[re=447460]WestEdEd[/re]: MEME FAIL!

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/whose-responsible-this

Bearbloke November 1, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=447754]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Did you notice that the robo-advert on this Horse-sex newspage, which was “Selected for you by a sponsor” is from “The Mustang Muscle You Dreamed Of”… well Yiff Yiff Yippie Kai Yea, Horsefucker!

CanadianBacon November 2, 2009 at 12:21 am

‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’” Especially if you don’t let go.

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