gratuitous decapitations by us senators

TOM COBURN’S (R-OK) MACABRE ANIMAL SLAUGHTERING HOBBY IS ALSO A METAPHOR, SEE? “Mr. Coburn spends as little time as possible in Washington, a place he seems to genuinely dislike. An ordained Southern Baptist deacon, he attends church every Sunday back in Muskogee and teaches a Bible study class. He tries to stop armadillos from tearing up his lawn. He pulls fat water moccasins from his pool. ‘I kill them,’ he said with relish, ‘by slicing their heads off with the sharp edge of a shovel.’” [New York Times]

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Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

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52 comments

  1. rambone

    Boy, won’t his face be red when he realizes that those armadillos and water moccasins are actually the GOP brain-trust.

  2. Terry

    Personally, I would LIKE my elected representative to actually go to DC and stay there and work hard at the business of government rather than relaxing out in “real America” clearing brush or killing snakes. Do the job they campaigned for, basically.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    “If we wiped out the entire Congress and sent common people who have no political experience, we would get far better results than we have today,” he said in a remark typical of how he views the institution.

    Great, Mr. Coburn — now set an example.

    He’s also a roommate of John Ensign in the C Street house of righteous adulterers, so he’s probably not known to practice what he preaches.

  4. JMP

    ““When someone is sick, do you not try to help them get well?” he said of Mr. Ensign. “Or do you say, ‘Oh, you’re sick, goodbye’?”

    Well, Senator, the insurance companies whose interests you were just defending chose the latter.

  5. jodyleek

    I loves them armadillies.
    Armadillies what I loves to eat.
    Slice they lil’ heads off,
    Nibble on they tiny feet.

  6. Texan Bulldoggette

    I was raised in OK so in Tom’s defense, there isn’t much more to do in OK for entertainment since dancing and singing all lead to vertical sex.

  7. freakishlystrong

    Dear Mr. Coburn, (R-Neck), if you dislike Washington so much please get the fuck out and let someone who actually wants to help govern this ungainly beast of a nation in.

  8. AggieDemocrat

    What the fuck is it with Republicans and their sadistic killing of animals? First, Bill Frist and his cats, then Mittens with his dog on the roof, now Coburn and his snake-killing. I bet he beats off into the decapitated snake-head.

  9. S.Luggo

    “He is also a friend and roommate (for now) of Senator John Ensign … [F]riends of Mr. Ensign said he was making plans to move out.”

    Which one gets to keep the back issues of Architectural Digest?

  10. Gumboz1953

    Water moccasins are dark, see? And you know this cracker don’t want no dark things swimming in his pool. At least ones that he didn’t deposit in there himself.

  11. Nappied Hypotenuse

    [re=446986]jodyleek[/re]: Kliban cats in the house!

    Also: No guns, no airplanes, just the sharp edge of a shovel: Who’s the real conservative now, Palin?

  12. widget09

    We don’t smoke marajuana in Muskogee
    We don’t take our trips on LSD
    We still raise old glory down at the couthouse
    And we chop of heads of snakes & armadillos just for fun

  13. Oldskool

    “When someone hurts you, do you hurt them back, or do you love them?”

    Typical conservative. When it comes to excusing Ensign, whip out the compassion card. When it comes to bipartisan bills that might help the average Mericun, fuck em.

  14. Simba B

    And remember how they used to slavishly state that Gee-Dub hated Washington too, got away at every chance, and thus was a Real American™.

  15. Gumboz1953

    “When someone is sick, do you not try to help them get well?” he said of Mr. Ensign. “Or do you say, ‘Oh, you’re sick, goodbye’? When someone hurts you, do you hurt them back, or do you love them? My goal with John is to try to love him and to help him do what’s right.”

    And if that doesn’t work, hell, there’s always that shovel.

  16. Monsieur Grumpe

    This guy needs a few trees on his lawn. That’s not a metaphor anything. All that grass and no trees is just dumb. Oh yeah, his house sucks too.

  17. Pithaughn

    Snakes in pools! Once, on a trip to the Yucatan, I visited some okies outside of Topeka who lived in a trailer with a hole in the bathroom floor, sure enough, a snake poked it’s head up just as I was dropping some kids off at the pool.

  18. Lascauxcaveman

    I’m OK with him giving the shovel treatment to water mocs. As long as his next move is to toss the headless things onto his BBQ grille.

    Hate to see good snakemeat go to waste.

  19. Potater

    Senator John Douchefuck (R-TN) spends as little time as possible doing his democratically elected job. Instead he spends all of his free time at the Knoxville Pet & Animal Rescue, where he has a part-time job as a kitten euthanizer.

    “I just love to see the little pluggers squirm as I hold them down and inject them with a dose of sweet, sweet agony,” the Senator related with a smile and an erection. “Brings a man joy, that it do. It’s the simple pleasures that matter.”

    “Now those sick people out in Cal-E-Fo-Nya,” Douchefuck said with venom, “They’re sick; murderin’ all them babbies with they mornin’ after peels [sic]. Have they no respect for the sanctity of life? Nurse, bring in a tabby this time!”

  20. TGY

    I see by the pic of his shack and surroundings that he owns a fair amount of nothing, which he mows weekly, no doubt.

  21. teebob2000

    [re=446980]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yeah, he’s got the double-whammy of secrecy priviledge. He claimed to be Ensign’s Dr (and he’s an OBy-GYNy!! Ha ha ha ha) AND pastoral advisor so he gots to say NUTHIN to nobody nohow!!!

  22. BeWoot

    [re=446974]Terry[/re]: I would like my representative to walk over to the Senate chamber and kick Tom Coburn in the nuts. And then slap the shit out Mitch McConnell and Jon Kyle.

  23. AggieDemocrat

    Is it fair to say that Tom Coburn is motherfucking sick of these motherfucking snakes in his motherfucking pool? I’d pay to see that tirade.

  24. CaiteeCruelle

    [re=446988]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Speaking as a Baptist (albeit the librul, commie, Northeastern kind) I thought it was the other way around.

  25. Little Old Lady

    Please forgive me for making the *way* too obvious quote from Mr. Coburn:

    “I’m sick and tired of these motherf**king snakes, in this motherf**king pool!”

    Am I banned now?

  26. snideinplainsight

    Here he is, a family physician, front-row seat of how f—ed up American medical practice is, and all he can do is whinge about the deficit and posture about his regionalist, rural-guy-shucky-darn credentials.

    He mows lawns! Oh jeez, if only all American senators were so down-to-earth! If only Nancy Pelosi washed and buffed her own pickup truck once in a while, and Harry Reid could see the real earthy pleasure to be had in running a backhoe, I’m sure they’d see it, I’m just sure they’d comprehend that what America needs now is less, not more, health insurance – less government, less everything.

  27. Guppy06

    Some day in the distant future, when we finally get something resembling a public option and members of Congress are required to personally buy into it (to show they’re all just common people), said public option will treat being a Republican an “undisclosed, pre-existing condition.”

  28. AggieDemocrat

    [re=447077]Little Old Lady[/re]: Yeah, I debated whether to do the obvious, but SOAP is still pretty funny. Plus, the thought of Samuel L. Jackson yelling at Coburn is comforting.

  29. Terry

    [re=447067]BeWoot[/re]:

    My Senator is Barbara Mikulski. She’d be perfect for the job. She’s in the Senate already, tougher and meaner than a water moccasin, but since she’s short she might have to punch rather than kick.

  30. populucious

    [re=446990]freakishlystrong[/re]: I can’t think of any other profession that would hire you if your opening in the interview was “I hate everything you do here, and I won’t be happy until this organization is destroyed”.

  31. Manos: Hands of Fate

    “Mr. Coburn spends as little time as possible in Washington, a place he seems to genuinely dislike.”

    Well guess what? We don’t like you either. So stay home and kill some more snakes, you no good disrepectful punk you.

  32. tuffy

    We know he’s lying, because armadillos AREN’T ALIVE. Lived in OK for a time, the only movement you ever see from a ‘dillo is when the tires go over ‘em.

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