WONKETTE JOBS  1:50 pm October 19, 2009

by Jim Newell

  • GEORGETOWN SOPHOMORE LOOKING FOR ASSISTANT: This sophomore also works in the financial services industry! So of course: “PA example tasks -Organize closet -make bed -Drop off / pick up dry cleaning -Drop me off / pick me up from work -Do laundry -Fill up gas tank -bring car for servicing -schedule appointment for haircut -Pay parking tickets -manage electronic accounts -shopping and running errands -other random tasks. …laundry will be counted for half an hour even though a laundry cycle takes 1.5 hrs to complete.” The Great Recession changed everything. [Georgetown Voice]

Hola wonkerados.

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populucious October 19, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Are you my mother? Could I pay you to be my mother?

I-man October 19, 2009 at 1:56 pm

Is this one of those moments of crystallizations when I realize that hey, humiliations aside, I can use an e extra 300 dollars per month. Oy!

AnnieGetYourFun October 19, 2009 at 2:01 pm

What a schmuck. Bed-making and laundry are best left to maid services that do that work. Scheduling stuff? That’s what a PA does. Also, um? Taxis are cheaper than paying someone to maintain and drive your fucking car all over the place.

PrairiePossum October 19, 2009 at 2:02 pm

Sounds like the perfect job for the former Governor at the State of Alaska.

hockeymom October 19, 2009 at 2:02 pm

Sounds like he’s looking for a mom.

AnnieGetYourFun October 19, 2009 at 2:03 pm

Also, is the East Coast cheap or something? I knew a gal out here who worked as PA (the bed-making, home-organizing, dry-cleaning-fetching kind) for a VP at a bank, and she made 6 figures to start. The PA that is; I shudder to think what the VP was making.

Recessions! They are crazy!

SmutBoffin October 19, 2009 at 2:03 pm

Other responsibilities:

1) clean up vomit
2) manage porn collection
3) beg professor to change grade from “C+” to “B-”
4) moisturize my white ass

Noonan October 19, 2009 at 2:03 pm

Haha, I’m glad I got out of that place without killing anyone.

Or maybe not…

AnnieGetYourFun October 19, 2009 at 2:03 pm

Eh, just read down to the actual job posting. Could be worse, I guess.

The Little Rock October 19, 2009 at 2:04 pm

I’m curious how $60 a week equates to $300 a month. It is too much to assume that money was the only number that mattered when this kid applied to Georgetown.

comicbookguy October 19, 2009 at 2:04 pm

[re=438656]I-man[/re]: Only 300 dollars? You’ll be managing this person’s electronic accounts. Set your sights high!

loquaciousmusic October 19, 2009 at 2:04 pm

[re=438661]PrairiePossum[/re]: The comment in my head was, “I hear that Sarah Palin is looking for something part time!” BUT YOU GOT THERE FIRST.

ChernobylSoup v2 October 19, 2009 at 2:05 pm

These Pell Grant amounts are getting ridiculous.

snideinplainsight October 19, 2009 at 2:05 pm

I saw this one! This is the one where Rodney Dangerfield does that crazy fake dive at the end to save the swim meet! And he’s rich because he sells fatty pants! And Kurt Vonnegut embarrasses himself in a cameo! That was great!

Mustang October 19, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Question – Do I get paid for the whole time you are in the bathroom, or just the actual time I’m wiping your butt?

TGY October 19, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Will there be the fucking?

MARCdMan October 19, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Oh you scamps, who dug up Daniel Snyder’s ad from his old school newspaper?

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 19, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Dude is famous over at the Voice comment board. In a “Lemme take you out to a field and savage you anally with a watermelon” kind of famous.

bhosp October 19, 2009 at 2:10 pm

Speaking as an almost-alum of GWU:
Fuck you, Georgetown.

twingonaut October 19, 2009 at 2:12 pm

Hell, I don’t even do all of those for myself. Why should I do them for someone else?

user-of-owls October 19, 2009 at 2:13 pm

I thought Dame Peggy’s kids had already graduated.

canook October 19, 2009 at 2:13 pm

There appears to be a credible LinkedIn profile. Clearly his douchiness makes him well-prepared for a long career at Morgan Stanley. And of course he’s on the sailing team.

canook October 19, 2009 at 2:13 pm
V572625694 October 19, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Ah, life among the Privileged Classes: how sweet it is.

PoignancySelz October 19, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Cannot completely rule out Reality Show.
Will at least record your degrading services with my “iPhone”.

Crank Tango October 19, 2009 at 2:19 pm

[re=438674]snideinplainsight[/re]: um, that “fake dive” to which you refer was none other than the “triple lindy”

please to enjoy:


user-of-owls October 19, 2009 at 2:21 pm

[re=438687]canook[/re]: And he’s an ‘assistant’ at Barney Morgan whatever. So the kid who takes this job will be a PAPA?

Johnny Zhivago October 19, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Career in entertainment/finance??? I hear there is a rising amateur scientist in Colorado who’s looking to make a TV deal…

Johnny Zhivago October 19, 2009 at 2:23 pm

[re=438662]hockeymom[/re]: Sound more like the stuff I used to do FOR my mom.

canook October 19, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Oh, even better – a facebook profile. Kindly high five this gentleman – by which I mean anally rape with a gourd of your choosing – next time you see him straying away from M & Wisconsin


shadowMark October 19, 2009 at 2:26 pm

Georgetown? That’s Jesuits, right? When you spend your day fighting the reformation and casting demons out of little girls you don’t want to stop on the way home to pick up your own dry cleaning or finally get to sleep in an unmade bed.

Crank Tango October 19, 2009 at 2:27 pm

[re=438697]canook[/re]: has the gayface of a young glenn beck. + the champagne flute is a nice douchetouche.

Johnny Zhivago October 19, 2009 at 2:27 pm

[re=438694]user-of-owls[/re]: Actually, this job has enough time consuming work associated with it that I could easily see the assistant needing to hire an assistant of his/her own.

Country Club Jihadi October 19, 2009 at 2:27 pm

[re=438697]canook[/re]: Wow. So he’s basically Anthony Michael Hall.

peggynoonansrickshaw October 19, 2009 at 2:29 pm

[re=438697]canook[/re]: hahaha let’s all friend him! oh, he’s adorable.

Country Club Jihadi October 19, 2009 at 2:29 pm

He’s going to need to transfer now.

charles demar October 19, 2009 at 2:30 pm

[re=438688]canook[/re]: “I currently considering going into either the finance or entertainment industries (or both if possible).”

I wanna be an astronaut, a doctor and a cowboy when I grow up!

V572625694 October 19, 2009 at 2:33 pm

[re=438697]canook[/re]: Note that the handle is “Coopster.” Wanna bet he makes everyone he can (which would be no one) call him “the Cooptser,” and refers to himself in the third person?

Prommie October 19, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Where can we get some tumbrils?

finallyhappy October 19, 2009 at 2:34 pm

He wants all of this done in 5 hours a week? What a super douche. He did go to Landon so he was already a spoiled brat.

Noonan October 19, 2009 at 2:35 pm

There’s hope for Georgetown yet. The fact that this kid’s being clobbered in the comments on the Voice is a good thing. If a posting like that passed without eviscerating it’s pomposity, that would be a much more damning comment on GTown than the kid’s posting alone. Society must be self-regulating and when you act like a tool, you should be called a tool.

DangerousLiberal October 19, 2009 at 2:38 pm

Still over two months left in the year, but this guy has douche of the year all sewed up.

Country Club Jihadi October 19, 2009 at 2:45 pm

He should pledge Douche Tool Douche ΔΤΔ

bureaucrap October 19, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=438688]canook[/re]: I also took down his linkedin profile to copy into a comment here.

I suspect with his inflated sense of worth and his brilliant idea to give someone five hours of work for one hour of pay daily, he’ll get a lot of notes on his linkedin and facebook pages, and will think himself famous.

Actually, since so many of our stories seem to end up on CNN, don’t be surprised to see him there tomorrow morning.

AnnieGetYourFun October 19, 2009 at 2:50 pm

No way! He’s in a frat AND he like to sail?! That just seems so out of character for this kind of post.

On another note, the person in teh cubilce next to me is clipping his fingernails again. If it wasn’t for the whiskey I keep in this drawer, I would have snapped and killed him by now.

AnnieGetYourFun October 19, 2009 at 2:55 pm

[re=438744]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: On another note, you can’t fucking spell. Shut up.

thefrontpage October 19, 2009 at 2:58 pm

What a moron this kid is now. Imagine him five, 10, 15 years from now. Pathetic.

Mustang October 19, 2009 at 2:59 pm

Sorry fellas, but did ANYONE think this was anything other than a white male when you first read it?

Jim89048 October 19, 2009 at 3:05 pm

I’d be willing to pay a PA more $$$ for less work, and throw in health insurance.

There are strings attached, of course.

BadKitty October 19, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=438744]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I feel your pain. I work next to one of those nail clipping guys, too. The only reason he’s still alive is because he wears a Glock tucked into his waistband. AT WORK. IN THE OFFICE. HE’S AN ARCHITECT. Yes, he’s so annoying that he has to be armed at all times.

gertrudis October 19, 2009 at 3:49 pm

2 questions:
1. If he’s in a frat, couldn’t he just wait a semester and then make some poor pledge his bitch, for free? At least then he’d be exploiting someone from his own class, in the name of bonding.
2. How horribly underpaid were this young man’s babysitters, nannies, and tutors, as well as his parents’ housekeeper/maid, cook and gardener? Any of them who had to deal with little Coopster deserved a magnificent feaking bonus from Mumsie and Pops for not killing him.

Zeta Psi of Georgetown, protect your pledges from this wannabe tyrant! Mr. and Mrs. Cooper, now that you know what your spawn is truly like, use this opportunity to make up for your past stinginess! Tip these people! Do it now!

Prommie October 19, 2009 at 3:59 pm

Its the Coopster! Sporting a rugby shirt freshly laundered by his PA! I wonder where his family summers?

norbizness October 19, 2009 at 4:20 pm

Frederick Douglass was right, white people suck.

BerkeleyFarm October 19, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Hahaha, he’s looking for someone to manage his “online accounts” and he’s dicking around about how long it takes to do the laundry?

Rumors that the Coopster isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer don’t seem to be exaggerated!

Darkness October 19, 2009 at 9:13 pm

What happened to the word “servant”?

hunter.blatherer October 19, 2009 at 10:07 pm

[re=438679]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: [re=438723]Noonan[/re]: Actually a lot of his fellow douches are defending him on that board. The “best” of the lot:

“To the author of this article, those who have commented,

I just want to say, we are all here with whatever resources we have to maximize our time at Georgetown. One student is choosing to do that with the resources he has, and I am ashamed to be a part of a community that would blatantly attack and ostracize someone on an incredibly subjective judgment.
I hope he doesn’t read your comments because he is busy building his resume, working hard, and using his time in accordance with its value. I hope you all find the ways with all of the resources, however extensive or limited they may be (and by being here we all have extensive resources beyond the monetary), to maximize your time here, and to value that time in light of the incredible doors we have available as students at a great university. Its time to cease ridiculing someone for valuating their time in what is probably remarkably mature for a sophomore in college to recognize and move forward with.

If I had the money, and the confidence that I was using my time wisely enough to need to delegate it, I would do the same.”

“using his time in accordance with its value” = masturbating into dirty socks

LowerdPeninsula October 20, 2009 at 2:37 am

This just keeps getting better and better. The picture? A fraternity? Sailing?! Are we sure this is some kind of preformance art, a la a low-grade/scale MADtv sketch parody?

I’d pose as a PA just so I could punch this douchebag in his smug face.

LowerdPeninsula October 20, 2009 at 2:42 am

[re=438697]canook[/re]: This kid’s facebook says he likes hugs…so, so many ways to go with that. How many of you would be willing to give this tool a “hug”?

Jukesgrrl October 20, 2009 at 5:04 am

I’d like to “blatantly attack and ostracize someone” who admits to Georgetown a student who doesn’t know the difference between “bring” and “take.”

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