Wonkette
Well how about this! Jacksonville artist David Durrett sends this “real painting” (super-sized) to your Wonkette and writes, “I love Wonkette, and was inspired to do an acrylic response to the Jesus painting yesterday! Hope you like it!!” Yes it is very nice! Maybe Obama can steal this one too, for his house. Also, we’re awarding first-time commenter Shortpacked with an “iPhone” for his take, which was quite a hit yesterday, in the comments. What have the rest of you slobs done lately? [Yes You Canvas, Shortpacked]
This is awesome. And I like Shortpacked! But no Sarah Palin?
Congratulations David! You have somehow managed to distill my entire college experience into one visually visceral verisimilitude.
And much like my entire college experience, I’m sitting on a folding chair in the kitchen, surfing the web, and masturbating into a jar of spoiled “mayonnaise”.
Sarah Palin is represented by the slutty chipmunk in the corner. Mouth full of nuts, but hates ACORN.
It’s good, but nothing will beat Shortpacked.
Jesus looks eerily like Burt Reynolds.
Gentleman Jockey (Shortpacked) Wins the Derby.
nice job. needs more teabags around the margins. and maybe some crushed trucknutz somewhere.
Extemporanus: Oh yeah, kudos to Shorty P again as well.
If I finish “Miracle Whipping” before the wife gets home, I’ll see if I can do a quick little mashup desecration that combines both of these outstanding national treasures.
I shed a tear composed of 100% pure win upon seeing this image.
The obvious next step is Jeebus blingee.
octupletsmom: you can’t blingee perfection.
Having just discovered the shortpacked site, I am quite content that he either changed the cursor so that in order to see the face of Jesus or Washington (anyone) I have to scroll over their crotches, or that my browser decided to be awesome and fail perfectly.
favorite part has to be the subtle “King” parallel.
GreatOldOnesParty: Of course not, but there’s always them what try.
I notice that Lincoln is wearing his white gloves, but no blackface.
MLHencken: Hippie Jesus is *winking*. This represents the artist’s slavering adoration of all things Palinesque. Plus, Joker-Obama is plotting to “rescue” Trig from the Constitution-For-Sale with Hopey the Unicorn while Abe Jolson distracts the dinosaur by singing “Mammy” for trucknutz. The purpose of the Golden Horned Calf is to serve Mammon to the Burger King before goring Clownie the Judicial Clown and drenching the poker-playing Congressional dogs in gallons of red, red blood. The End.
“Dogs Playing Poker,” of course! That’s just what the other painting was missing. This one is perfect!
GreatOldOnesParty: I guess I’m still too much of a puss, and discourage direct affrontery sacrilege, but in this case let’s roll the dice. Do people go to hell for creating the Dancing Jesus page, or do we go to hell for viewing it?
I don’t know much about art, but I know I like it alt-texted. How am I supposed to figger it out on my own?
But thanks, David D of Jacksonville. The People asked for dinosaurs contemporaneous with Jesus, dogs playing poker, Burger King, and you have delivered. Let the People always be serviced.
Chickensmack: Yes.
blinky_twinkie: The “Golden Horned Calf” bears a striking resemblance to the allegorical Bull/Christ figure in the center of Picasso’s “Guernica.”
That would make an awesome FL license plate.
total awesomeness. And don’t forget the guernica bull! Also.
(I was only 4 minutes late in making the ‘guernica’ comment! yay for me!)
…and the dancing penis town-hallers - - where are they??? Oh, right, limited palette . . .
Flattery is the mother of invention, or something.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:PicassoGuernica.jpg
I started to get pissed that everyone but me was getting iphones and couldn’t figure out what shortpacked did–then I started cruising the old mousey thing over the pictures in that ghastly painting and the new comments.
All I can say now is, I bow down before your greatness, SP. Oops. Shortp. I don’t want to confuse genius with Bible Spice’s initials.
MLHencken: Sarah Palin (and Walnuts and Kanye and Dogs playing cards) can be found in my Blingee: http://blingee.com/blingee/view/100170250-hollywood-jesus-of-america-and-friends?offset=0&owner=koraih
Congrats to Shortpacked. That was alsome!
So is this painting. Especially because it includes a dinosaur. I forgot a dinosaur. I also like the creepy Burger King.
This is actually brilliant. I observe that Abraham Lincoln looks like Ronald Reagan, is that on purpose? Jeez, the wingnuts would love this.
Oh come on. Jesus was hundreds of years after the dinosaurs! Sheesh.
How does an “iPhone” differ from an iPhone? You might want to save Shortpacked some disappointment.
I think that the sad clown/guernica/dogs playing poker visual sandwich deserves some sort of “i” prize.
While we are on the subject of “iPhones,” please to know that I would kick my grandfather in the balls for a wonket iPhone ap. Or even an iPhone page. But only if commentz work, spluh!
Is “iPhone” a euphemism?
I have no interest in non-velvet “paintings”. More air brush please
notwavingbutdrowning: I LOLed like a dog.
Can I get this on a shirt?
Fuckin Shortpack deserves a box of iPhones and Congressional Gold Card Health Care for life. That was the funniest, most haunting image since I saw the $20 bill folded on the back to show the towers. I never liked Samuel Adams beer either.
El Pinche, that had to be a toughest 2nd place finish ever.
Eternal Homage to Bofe of You
Shortpack/El Pinche in 12
But what time is it on Burger Kings watch?
The shortpacked footnotes are the greatest, and I’m so happy someone else thought that Neon Genesis: Evangelion implied shinji:osaka action, at least in one of the released endings of the series.
OzoneTom: 11:59, signifying almost lunchtime!
What hav you slobs done lately?
Well! Some of us have been responsible for raising your kids, cooking, picking up after you (that’s right, those dirty skivvies don’t just walk themselves over to the hamper!!) buying the groceries, chasing off the pesky Jehovah’s Witnesses, AND “putting out” when we’re not in the mood, all the while you can go off with that floozy of a first-time commenter, (who is very hawt I’ll admit.)
Is it just me or is constantly being bombarded everywhere I go on the internet with the logo for “Obama’s War” a little disconcerting to anyone else? As my children say, “WTF?”
While we’re on the subject of the Inerrant Word of God: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/05/conservative-bible-projec_n_310037.html
Yay! Something that came out of the state of Florida that didn’t make me want to yak on someone’s leg. Thank you, Jesus!
Of all the disturbing images in that picture, I find the Burger King most disturbing.
“Who will rid me of the troublesome corporate spokescreature?”
Scandalabra: It’s not just you. Check out the daily briefing this morning. (Creepy to hear Lehrer promote this on the news today, too.)
excuse me for being a relatively new wonkette reader, but why is the word iphone in quote marks? Is the prize just like a tee shirt with the word iphone on it?
What, no live-blogging of KEEEEF?
The new, conservatized bible in the works will deal with that fag with the long, brown locks, I tellz ya!
Helio: I don’t think any of us know. What I am fairly certain of, however, is that it will probably be in quotes forevermore.
Scandalabra: Yeah, those “Obama’s War” ads are great, aren’t they? Just the sort of thing to set paranoid, half-literate, trigger-happy wingnuts over the edge. Not that there are many of them around of course.
SOON ALL SHORT(S) SHALL REIN
Jim89048: His face hasn’t taken on that lovely, crimson hue quite yet. (hey, I love the guy, but I’m trying to join in the fun).
yep, he’s gonna talk for the whole hour…
PoignancySelz: Thank you. It was a historical thread. It’s right up there with War of Pumas in 2008. I’m still laughing at the Shortpacked footnotes, and I even shared it with my “friends.”
And I’m a cheap skanky blingee whore.
shortsshortsshorts: alas, it shall be a short reign however.
stew: Wait, did he change his glasses during the commercial?
Which character represents Martin Luther King?
BlueStateLibtard: I think he replaced Lincoln with Reagan. Reagan was my first guess on who that was. I love how they are both doing a minstrel-knee hand-jive. Lincoln’s looking over at the “sinners corner” going “Mammee, oh down in dixie!!” or something.
I think the school teacher is Sarah Palin. Other points in the original: I think the civil war soldier is also crying about Roe vs Wade, maybe because his girl friend died after a civil war era abortion and this is bringing up difficult memories. Or he’s sad that the black civil war soldier got in the painting.
Most egregious: There are no guns in either picture. The good guys don’t have guns, the bad guys don’t have guns, the soldiers don’t have guns, the devil doesn’t have a gun, mother fucking davy crockett doesn’t have a gun. Guns are mentioned in the constitution (and/or bill of rights). The lack of guns makes me think this was all a liberal mormon joke. One person is armed, though. The one hardcore atheist up there, Jefferson, seems to have a huge stick and is glaring at Jesus.
Re: Shortpacked: Sign that kid up!
Helio: I won something on Wonkette, once. I did not receive an iPhone™, nor did I get an “iPhone.” They also didn’t send me an iFONE, an EYEphone, or an iFohn. I never got the cheap Korean knockoff “The iPhune,” nor a shoddy Mexican El Phone nor a top-of-the-line Japanese *****phone. I didn’t even get a complimentary set of TRUCK NUTZ!, but I did get a naked picture of Ken Layne which is now framed and hanging over my fireplace.
No, No… I’m just kidding, I didn’t get shit! I hope that answers your questions!
blinky_twinkie: crouching joker/hidden obama is also a nice nod to Michele Bachmann, intended or not.
Atheist Nun: well, as my friend’s ultragay facebook status update of a few minutes ago states, ““Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
So maybe it’s not to late to get you some hot Ken Layne pr0n. Well, it might be too late to get it by xmas I guess…
Crank Tango: I can haz happy ending?
grevillea: that’s exactly what I almost put as my comment! Instead I just encouraged her to get out there and start making happy endings…
Crank Tango: I’m just curious if the TRUCK NUTZ! match the bumper, …if you know what I mean!
El Pinche: Yeah, maybe Newell/Weiner could throw you an “iPhone” app as a consolation prize. I found stuff today that I missed yesterday because I was laughing so hard.
The thread development itself had entertainment value. “I fixed it!”. I’ll look up the War of Pumas.
Now it’s Blingee and Alt-text skankism
NYNYNY: The sinner’s corner I presume is the socialist nobama and Sarah Palin reincarnated as a chipmunk?
Oh no…I think he’s gonna start crying.
This picture should be in the Oval Office of the Republic of Wonkettistan.
The best thing about winning an “i-phone” from Wonkett is the veritable bukakke of free “i-porn” available from Wonkett’s very own super-secret hidden section at “i-tunes.”
Yep, he’s crying….
Fuck it. I’m giving Wonkette a well deserved hand job tonight for the massive and much needed yucks of the last 27 hours. It’s the least I can do.
Jim89048: I couldn’t do a full hour of Keith O. An hour? Murrow never even did that. I watched Lara Logan on Charlie Rose which is on Bloomberg at the same time now. Who’s her baby daddy, anyway?
Is that Hamtaro? Please tell me that’s Hamtaro.
bitchincamaro: I hope you’re ambidextrous, cuz that is gonna get tiring!
Atheist Nun: chrome nutz?
So far I like Immigrant.
stew: I guess Glenda doesn’t have the market cornered on Ben-Gay after all…
Jim89048: Or VapoRub.
Jim89048: or rails of crushed-up hall’s mentholyptus?
Crank Tango: Whatev, as long as it turns on the eagle-tears faucet…
The phen shui isn’t doing it for me in this one.
I want a painting of the founding fathers riding a giant iceberg into NYC harbor… Sort of like saying “global warming is God’s way of improving the real estate market”
Jim89048: eventually they are gonna have to do unspeakable things to glenn beck to make him cry. And also to get him to tear up on his show.
Shortpacked is my new Wonkett hero.
dementor: Truth
http://www.hodgman.org/travel/dino-2003/20030622-1775-Sinclair-Dino.jpg
I believe it was Duchamp whom stated: “People say ‘I don’t know a lot about art but know what I like’ and I reply that I know plenty about art and still do not know what I like”
I am feeling more and more this way about politics, too.
Still needs more Pedo Bear.
Nonetheless, brilliante, David D., and can I get that in a 20×24 doormat?
shortsshortsshorts: Now we have shorts3 and shortP for inspiration!
Hey, anyone feel like going to a movie with me on October 13?
notwavingbutdrowning:
The use of only the most muted tones in the painter’s palette and the employment of Caravaggio-like lighting are, well, what can I say, impressive, indicative of a subtle and delicate sensibility.
Kudos.
OT: I don’t watch much NBC, but I do watch a bit of MSNBC, and godammit if I catch another glimpse of goddamn Jay Leno’s ugly freaky frightening retarded smiling anvil-like clown face Imma gonna get on my magic carpet, fly to LA & bash that fucking head in with a fucking cast-iron skillet. There is not an uglier nor more annoying mug on teevee.
PoignancySelz:
http://wonkette.com/405286/enough-of-these-pumas
Just one of the battles. I was HuskyMescan until I was queefed by a Puma and I was never the same.
iphone, schmiphone…I’m in it for the Trucknutz.
That’s not just a dinosaur. It’s a penisaurus of some sort.
Flanders:
http://www.turnbacktogod.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/jesus-christ-praying-in-the-garden-of-gethsemene.jpg
Personally, I think a free subscription to Wonkette is a more than a satisfactory prize for Shortpack - if you start out with giving him the crown jewels of an “mephone” how/why will he continue to impress the luddites amongst us (including me) who have no clue as to how the fuck he did that. I’m so old/depressed - we had computer punchcards when I went to school.
Alert: if you try to go on conservapedia.com to add Colbert to the new “conservative” bible as requested, the site is down. Guess I’m not the only one…
steve: maybe you could make a nice flipbook or something for a stereoscope? Song lyrics in morse code seem to be big these days…
Atheist Nun: I’m concerned that it’s actually a complex maneuver involving Intern Riley, a Rusty Trombone & the recipient’s ear. Have we heard from the winner of the “Going Rogue” Blingee contest since she won her “iphone?”
El Pinche: Tx for the link, I couldn’t find the MoFo. Would you take ammo for your AR-15? Get ‘em while you can. BTW, the dancing kat blings!
I love you Wonkett.
Where’s baby Jesus T. Rex?
~
If this is from Jacksonville, shouldnt Fred Durst be in there somewhere?
And David Durrett is the guy you should be crediting here— http://daviddurrett.com/. Support the Communist, even if he is an evil bastard.
Oh, man! I see he took my comment about the original missing “Dogs Playing Poker” to heart! Great job, Mr. Durrett.
Atheist Nun: You mean the “iPhone” ISN’T Riley’s out-of-service cell with an “i” carved on the back of it? If there is no “iPhone,” I demand my Wonkette subscription money be returned!!1!
BTW, the Obama Joker and the Jesus Horse are just amazing, collectively. And, no parody of anything is complete without Burger King. Suck it, Ronny McDonald!
I’m happy to see “Mammee Lincoln” more emphasized in this version. I thought it too subtle in the original.
Forget iphones, Wonkette can pay us with less ads about war and more GIANT CAMPBELL BROWNs. I much rather stare at luscious child hearing hips then M-16s. … I know, trucknutz don’t grow on trees.
I STILL don’t want to know what an “iPhone” is or what it does.
Crank Tango: That has got to be the most uninspiring thing I’ve ever heard.
Ever.
is that a doe-eyed Keane child i see?
Thank you for your sharing,I like this.and welcome to my site:tiffany
Thank you for your sharing,I like this.and welcome to my site:http://www.pretty-tiffany.com/Tiffany/index.html
The king in the left somehow looks like Silvio Berlusconi to me…
GreatOldOnesParty: It’s an opiate of the people.
The dinosaur, of course, is the penis-headed brontosaur.
Is the winking figure in front Jesus or Antichrist?
stew: what?!? that ruins everything. Colbert project was I got up this early today. I’m going back to bed!
Liebestod: Colbert project was the reason I got up this early today - I need more sleep.
…Is that Hamtaro down to the bottom right?
Why does Jesus look like Tom Cruise?
bitchincamaro: Let me know if you start to flag, I’m willing to lend a hand. Oh, and Shortpacked, honey, where are you? I’ve got something special just for you.
Jukesgrrl: I think you mean a “backwards i”, don’t you?
I just got the painting’s visual joke. On the right hand of God, is the Real™ Art, and on the evil left is the hopey brigade, with the headliner Abe “blackface” “war on the south” Lincoln.
I fully expect McNought’n to say: curse you, savior, and the diplodocus you rode in on!
I talked to Jesus yesterday, and he said he loved the paintings at Wonkette!
Jesus Perez, in Mt. Pleasant, I mean. Who’d you think I was talking about?!
Geez!
dementor: Source of the clown: http://www.leighton-jones.com/clown_with_top_hat.jpg
At his website, leighton-jones says he paints in the South of France. Therefore what have is a defeatist, socialist clown.
And the rightwingers ask, ‘What good are the arts’?
Hi everyone…thanks for the kind words about my painting! I’ve had trouble getting registered to comment and finally just used a good old gmail address that allowed the confirmation to go through…so, even though it’s probably “better never than late,” here’s my own version of “Alt-Text,” which for me translates to “roughly, left to right”:
1. These dogs, always willing to play poker in the interest of art, symbolize tolerance by inviting an out-of-species sub.
2. Unfortunately, copyright laws require some personal tributes to be symbolized indirectly.
3. A once-famous bull model, long out-of-work, symbolizes humility and redemption by posing for a lesser mural artist.
4. This sad fellow laments “Progressive Thought” such as the revisionist view that clown art is too frightening for home display.
5. The doe-eyed youth and his kitten reach for the hallowed document that brings art ownership to all races, religions, and socioeconomies.
6. This is not who you think it is. It is the same imposter who presumes to speak for God on those all-type billboards.
7. When posing for inspirational art, occasionally Abe Lincoln is inspired to channel his inner Al Jolson, symbolizing anachronism.
8. The imposter’s noble steed.
9. Elvis just hates the way he looks when the airbrushing doesn’t stick evenly to the velvet, symbolizing modern society’s loss of value(s).
10. If a picture is worth a thousand words, there’s not much left to say about a horse with a horn coming out of its skull.
11. This little fellow symbolizes brotherhood with a special-guest crossover appearance from the Blingee world.
12. The lower right corner is reserved for obnoxious, exclusionist commentary. Some paintings shine brighter than others.
Again, thanks!! Love the Wonkett. David
I Am Not Your Gary Busey: Of course, I’ve had it in the ear before…
Jukesgrrl: They bought a case of “iPhones” on Ebay from a guy in Kentucky who told them it’s their own damn fault for not reading the fine print that clearly stated he was sending them ‘this exact item’ which is “a picture of an iPhone,” not an actual iPhone.
Rome having been stormed and sacked by the Goths under Alaric their king the worshippers of false gods, or pagans, as we commonly call them, made an attempt to attribute this calamity to the Christian religion, and began to blaspheme the true God with even more than their wonted bitterness and acerbity.
DDD: Hey David, your art speaks so loudly I got all that even without the alt text! And your Jesus is more CW-ready than that other guy’s Jesus. Yours would get a lot of tail on The Hills.
bopumofu:
Might have been an honest mistake. The Goths thought they were in Las Vegas.
blinky_twinkie: Hippy Jesus is really the anti-Christ. Or maybe one of the Gnostic teachers.
DangerousLiberal: That’s the conservabibble! But they should be careful about adding or subtracting things to suit their prejudices: “For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.” — Jesus, Revelation, 22: 18-19
bopumofu: St. Augustine? City of God? Yes! Best ever attempt to show dumbfuck conservatives that things were just as fucked up in the “good old days” as now!!
I like this version: http://imgur.com/r4e2C.jpg
Atheist Nun: You mean that skoalrebel has something going on on the side??