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TODAY’S OFFERING FROM… A CERTAIN “COHEN, RICHARD”: Celebrated Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen wants Obama to GET REAL now. You’re President, for the love of fuck — bomb Iran already! etc. etc. And it really was just a matter of time before Richard Cohen used this line, wasn’t it: “These Persians lie like a rug.” Amazing. [Washington Post]
2:03 PM
on Tue September 29 2009
By
Jim Newell
1244 Views
Wonkette
Ya can’t trust those yellow bastards, either, they don’t think like us. And don’t get me started on the polacks and and jigaboos.
We can all be WaPo columnists!
If you can speak farsi, you will go far, see?
Strategically, it might be a blunder to attack those Persians, but America has had a rough year and a little violence might be therapeutic.
Jesus Christ, Richard, haven’t we all suffered enough? Why don’t you retire, fuck off, and die?
These Persians lie like a run, so we must carpet bomb them.
Kilim I say!
And it really was just a matter of time before Richard Cohen used this line, wasn’t it: “These Persians lie like a rug.”
Remember, this guy knows comedy. Just ask him.
He had me at Obama acting promiscuously.
Lie like a rug! I get it! Lulz!
That’s not racial transcendence.
Speaking of rugs, what’s that on this gap-toothed moran’s head?
I give up.
Is that Richard Cohen’s actual head or some wacky computer-generated avatar?
Either way it’s not very realistic.
Richard Cohen, who is awful, actually refers to torture as “getting rough” with detainess. This person, this Richard Cohen, who is awful, also suggests the president should be more careful with his use of language. Richard Cohen, who is awful, said these things.
Kernel Sanders never actually died. That unreconstructed son of the Confederacy killed Richard Cohen & assumed his identity. We’re hearing the irresistable siren call to war from the man who drugged us all with his CIA-sponsored “secret recipe.”
“Iran seems intent on developing a nuclear weapons program and the missiles capable of delivering them. This…is the real crisis, possibly one that can only end in war.”
So it possibly can only end in war. Which the fuck is it, you jerkwad? Don’t they have editors at your little neocon pamphlet? Or are they contest winners too?
Accordion-o-rama: Best puns of all!
shortsshortsshorts: Those jews, they’re so cheap, they won’t use their own nukes on Iran, they are trying to get us to use ours. Always letting us pick up the check, figures, cheap bastards.
Yeah, ya loser! Go clear some brush and inappropriately rub Angela Merkel’s shoulders and dance like retard every time you see an African. And start wars! Loser.
Those Persians really tied the room together.
Yes, Richard, the Iranian site is just like the Cuban missile crisis; except that instead of actual nukes, it has a facility that might someday possibly be used to maybe develop nukes; Iran is on the other side of the world from us instead of right next door; and it is a lone, isolated nation that we could easily destroy without retaliation if we wanted to instead of being backed up by a superpower that could destroy us.
At least it’s refreshing to see the “bomb, bomb Ira[n/q]” crowd use an analogy other than Neville Chamberlain at Munich.
“the rushing from room to room, presidential aides conferring, undoubtedly aware that they were in the middle of a book they had yet to write. I scanned the accounts looking for familiar names. Where was McNamara? Where was Bundy? Where, in fact, was the crisis?”
BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE DEAD, YOU DEMENTIA RIDDEN FUCKTARD.
Extemporanus: Barack Obama should be peeing on them.
Richard, darling, quit being such a prevaricating fuckstick. All this highflown rhetoric about Barry not acting like the POTUS and not living up to the “immense prestige” of the American presidency doesn’t mean shit. Just go ahead and tell Barry he’s an enemy of humankind and be done with it already. Geez.
eureka! it just came over me. richard’s problem, his whole bomb fixation — it’s an orgasm thing. it’s so obvious! the only part i can’t figure is if he needs to stop having them by himself or start having them by himself.
Such panicked comical shrieking from a supposedly dignified man like Dickey Cohen who proves yet again that he’s a chickenshit coward who’ll piss his pants at the launch of a short range missile.
I’d call you Grima Wormtongue, but even Grima had more iron in the end.
and furthermore, would you buy a bucket of fried chicken parts from this man?
Oh! Lie like rugs. Chortle-gasp-cackle. What an ultra-maroon.
Most tellingly, he gave Congress an August deadline for passage of health-care legislation — “Now, if there are no deadlines, nothing gets done in this town . . . ” — and then let it pass. It seemed not to occur to Obama that a deadline comes with a consequence — meet it or else.
Yep — the Obama presidency will be known in history for his failure to bomb Congress when they didn’t pass healthcare reform in time. This will certainly embolden al-Qaida.
Come here a minute: I just want to understand this, sir. Every time a Persian is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the owner?
Dear y’all,
So I’ve been outside the US for a short while. And in the view from out here, where world affairs sometimes concern areas other than the Middle East, all this huffing and puffing about Iran looks downright retarded.
Scarab: I always assumed that was Richard Cohen after a bubble bath, or after a shaving cream fight at his local sorority.
When Obama said in Pittsburgh that Iran is “going to have to come clean and they are going to have to make a choice,” it had the sound of an ultimatum.
‘Going to have to…’ sets up an ultimatum. I didn’t know such an oft-used phrase packed such a punch.
I’m going to have to get the oil changed this week.
I’m going to have to call my mother today.
I’m going to have to stock up on condoms before this weekend’s ho-fest.
I never knew my life was one big ultimatum.
I hate Richard Cohen, with his wee, beady eyes.
ManchuCandidate: So Charles Krauthammer is Shelob, in this metaphor?
V572625694: Just want to remind everyone that “Dick” Cohen is paid a salary that is in the highest 10th income percentile of Americans. So like probably four or five times more than people earn teaching children to read, driving ambulances and rescuing people from burning buildings.
GDuvall: he’s a certified funny guy, dontcha know?
Scarab: Here’s a better photo of him, getting his ear bent by Obama.
Where, in fact, was the crisis?
In fact, there was none. The supposedly secret installation had been known to Western intelligence agencies — Britain, France, the United States and undoubtedly Israel — for several years. …
For a crisis such as this, the immense prestige of the American presidency ought to be held in reserve.
These paragraphs lead me to believe that Richard’s English teacher told him he was a great writer. Then she and his elementary school teacher went to sniff glue together in the parking lot.
Zadig:
Yes, Shelob in a wheelchair.
And yet not one mention of Clownfarts McOld. It’s like McOld never even existed.
Richard, my avuncular friend, everything you have written here is either widely-recognized, irrelevant, speculative, or reactionary. This is why no one will let you anywhere near actual policy and you have to make a living as a dull scribbler at a fish-wrapper distributor.
“The candidate has yet to become commander in chief. ”
Oh for fuck’s sake– because he hasn’t started ANOTHER war yet?
People like Cohen are murderous psychopaths.
ManchuCandidate: You better watch it, or Cohen’s next column will be all about Orientals and their rug-like ways.
Richard Cohen also doesn’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. Can’t wait ’til he starts riffing on equal pay…
Accordion-o-rama: Excellent, despite the typo.
Accordion-o-rama: Apocalypse looms as they weave their warped web of deceit. Beware the fringe!
This is the man who made Princess Sparkle Pony shake her glittery mane with disgust and throw in the towel. His is vile.
Way Cool Larry: I think it’s the Black thing.
Gorillionaire: And your point would be that people who make valuable, observable contributions to the world should be remunerated more than drooling old maunderers who don’t get invited to the right Georgetown parties anymore and blame Obama, and love war because the columns write themselves, in wartime? Heckuva good idea! Luckily, nobody with any power agrees with us, though. “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb-bomb Iran…” WALNUTS: vindicated again.
Extemporanus: you’re right– but that must have been after he wrote this column:
http://wonkette.com/410151/worlds-worst-writer-richard-cohen-back-in-form-pens-worst-article-anywhere-on-the-internet-right-now/
Wash Po’s comment section is an actual online asylum.
Where was Robert McNamara. Oh, yeah, Dick. We all remember him fondly.
hobospacejunkie[/re]: He has a secret ingredient in his writing that makes you hate it fortnightly…
JMP: beg to differ a bit. iran will not have nuclear weapons. israel will not stand for that and will not seek anyone else’s permission to destroy the threat in any way necessary. this nation will not abandon israel to its fate, even if that means going to war with a riled-up iran.
we’re right next door to iran because we are on the other side of the world, too (we’re everywhere, kind of like fungal spores). iran is one of the largest countries in the world and is home to an ancient and proud people. we could no more destroy it than it could destroy us — though we could wreck ourselves trying, and could destroy ourselves if we thought to destroy iran with nuclear weapons.
i agree, this is not 1962 and it’s not the cuban missile crisis. it’s 2009 and this is the iranian nuclear crisis, and if iran thinks the israeli and american governments are bluffing and will back off, they have themselves a completely nother think coming. people misjudge obama as a wuss because he’s a democrat and a conciliator, but mark my words, the man’s a killer and wouldn’t hesitate a second to sacrifice you or me or any other wonkettie or anyone else if he thought it needed doing.
if dick cheney ever feels like telling the honest story, he will tell as to how pissed off he was that the high echelons of the american military scotched his planned pre-emptive strike on iran. it was to have been his gift to the world, his enduring legacy.
Maybe their gimmick to gain readership/ boost subscriptions that was mentioned earlier today is intended to replace Colonel Cohen’s Kentucky-Fried Crapfest column.
“These Persians lie like a rug.”
Why does Richard Cohen hate cats?
slappypaddy: Less fapping, more anal beads would be my guess. Unless he makes his anal bead fap, somehow.
The Toot: Not to mention all the times the guidance counselors allegedly didped their genitals in lead-based paint and used RC as a bukkake training doll.
I’ve read more enlightened text above rest-stop unrinals, you miserable puke. Expect a freshly pickled bouquet of freeze-dried wasabi rat dicks on your desk in the morning.
Alldat: If the honorable “Dicky-boy” (as he’s know to close friends) were referring to Persian cats, clearly it would have been spelled ‘Purrsians.’ Give the man some credit.
A new age has begun, an age of freedom! And all will know that one Washington Post gave his last halitositic (fetor ex ore?) breath to defend it.
Meh.
how would he feel if an iranian columnist penned the line “these jews (blank) like a (blank).”? i’m not going to actually defame jewish people, because alan dershowitz & benjamin netanyahu scare the bejeezus out of me, but you see where i’m going here.
This morning on the A train I read those words “These Persians lie like a rug,” and I had an auditory premonition “Jim Newell will come.”
Extemporanus: except for Richard Cohen can’t stop laying big stinky eggs ALL year round
I’m sorry, I couldn’t comment on this earlier, I was in the ER, getting treated for whiplash from Cohen’s rapier-like wit.
hobospacejunkie: I always thought he looks more like Orville the Popcorn Guy.
Sooner or later it is going to occur to Barack Obama that he is the president of the United States. - Ralph Cohen, 9/29/2009
Sooner or later, it is going to occur to the Washington Post Editorial Board that Ralph Cohen is a hack, and fire him. - Colin Firth-Certificate, 9/29/2009
It doesn’t occur that maybe we should figure out the messes in Iraq and Afghanistan before start bombing
CambodiaIran?proudgrampa: Two words: Dr. Moreau.
Well, boys and girls, I hate to say it but our toy chest is empty. We still got plenty of spiffy airplanes and shiny bombs, we just aint got no more of them little plastic guys with the machine guns and the grenades. That’s a problem with only one solution, I’m afraid.
Those of you in the target age group for selective service, you need to get busy with the buttsecks pronto, and get some damn pictures. The draft board is not going to except your word you’re gay, they’re going to want proof. For those who would rather face death than another man with a raging hard on…learn how to say “don’t shoot, I know secrets” in Farsi.
If you are avowedly heterosexual, in selective service target age group and atheist, good news, you’re about to get religion. You’ll be amazed at how much you’ll love Jesus when shit starts blowing up around you and strangers are trying to take your life.
dijetlo: Surely we can send in the National Guard again! That’s worked so well in the past!
Guppy06: Who do you think is holding the DMZ in S. Korea ?
Face it Gup, we already shot that bolt. It’s down to you guys, or the boy scouts.
ManchuCandidate: I think it’s time for another round of the perennial Wonkette favorite, who is what LOTR character! In the context of WaPo, I’d have to go with Krauthamer as the Balrog.
dijetlo: words of wisdom. we are so fucked.
Red Zeppelin: Eugene Robinson is Frodo, Dan Froomkin is Gimli, or maybe Boromir. Or does Frodo have to be Barry?
I know it’s not WaPo, but the Lady Noonington as The Mouth of Sauron.
If you put 100 Richard Cohens in a room and let ‘em pound on laptops for 100 years, they will eventually create a really inane piece of crap.
And George Will is Denethor!
@proudgrampa: Orville the popcorn guy received an honorary degree at my Purdue college graduation in 1988. He looked like he didn’t know where he was.
slappypaddy: Looked at from that angle, I’m glad I’m middle aged, clinically depressed and ghey. They’d have to get three rounds past resorting to hollywood movie actors before I’d get tapped.
Mustang: That’s a long time to achieve a hundredth layer of redundancy.
His picture, it kills me every time! It’s like disheveled, chortling Colonel Sanders. Richard, with that tousled white mop, I could listen to you talk about Persian folk all night!
Screw persian rugs, the only kind of rug to buy is afgan.
“The candidate has yet to become commander in chief.”
The pundit has yet to make sense.
Has the Post ever tried to actually identify and measure their readership for this cretinous crapola? Maybe then they’d know why newspaperin is dying.
From the very beginning of the article:
“As of yet, though, he does not act that way, appearing promiscuously on television…”
So, Obama’s a whore, now, too.
Also, Joe Wilson as of October 2009: “YOU LIE…like a dirty Persian rug!”
On the other hand, he wrote a column the other day calling Roman Polanski “a squalid excuse for a man” and asking for a chance to punch him in the face. I was shocked to hear him make so much sense.