DINGUSES  11:35 am September 21, 2009

by Jim Newell

JOHN EDWARDS WANTED HIS WIFE TO DIE CONSTANTLY: The New York Times obliterated John Edwards this weekend, with its report about how he’s preparing to FINALLY be like, “yeah that’s mah baby.” Most terrifying part: “In the [book] proposal, which The New York Times examined, [former aide Andrew] Young says that he assisted the affair by setting up private meetings between Mr. Edwards and Ms. Hunter. He wrote that Mr. Edwards once calmed an anxious Ms. Hunter by promising her that after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band.” Ace job, bro! [NYT]

 
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{ 70 comments }

Serolf Divad September 21, 2009 at 11:40 am

Dave Matthews? Pfffft! What a cheapskate. Edwards could easily have afforded Springsteen.

hobospacejunkie September 21, 2009 at 11:43 am

Wow. Johnny may just want to head to Argentina or the Appalachian Trail for the long term. Then again, his house is so fucking huge he & Elizabeth can live together yet not see each other for days at a time. Or ever, as he is probably wishing right about now.

Still not quite up to Neut’s standard of delivering divorce papers to cancer-stricken wife laying in hospital bed.

steveholtsmother September 21, 2009 at 11:49 am

“Ah am the son of a mill worker, and mah baby son is a bastard. But as soon as mah wife dies I’ll make an honest woman of his mother.”
A slight derivation on the Strom Thurmond, “As soon as ah die my bastard child will be acknowledged,” tactic.

JoeMac September 21, 2009 at 11:49 am

Way to go John, rocking out with your cock out.

On a side note, I always thought I was too old to have a crush, but Elizabeth Edwards damn that it is an awesome woman. John don’t want you I do.

Naked Bunny with a Whip September 21, 2009 at 11:51 am

So is Elizabeth going to be attending the rooftop wedding?

Lorax September 21, 2009 at 11:52 am

I thought I’d seen some Cold Death Stares from a woman before, but dayumm…that pic gives me the shivers.

Guppy06 September 21, 2009 at 11:53 am

Yeah, can marry her as soon as the old ball and chain kicks the bucket… or you could have, you know, wrapped it, inspiring the young’uns to pursue safer sex rather than being the Democratic Levi Johnston with the pretty hair.

gurukalehuru September 21, 2009 at 11:53 am

He’s no Steve Nunn.

Guppy06 September 21, 2009 at 11:54 am

[re=415214]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Presumably to push them both off it, I hope.

Defenstrations for everyone!

WadISay September 21, 2009 at 11:54 am

[Andrew Young] said Mr. Edwards pleaded with him to accept responsibility falsely, saying that would reduce the story to one of an aide’s infidelity.

That’s the “other duties, as assigned” part of your job description, Andrew.

Manos: Hands of Fate September 21, 2009 at 11:55 am

Just because a guy prepares ahead of time to avoid any poon gap due to his wife’s death, we give him a hard time?

Bruno September 21, 2009 at 11:56 am

The Dave Matthews band? He sure has a way with women. I’ll bet if he were romancing Cindy Walnuts he would have promised AC/DC at the rooftop wedding.

Noonan September 21, 2009 at 11:57 am

[re=415212]JoeMac[/re]: Someone won the Wonkette Win Post of the Afternoon (approximately) a few weeks back with a great comment to the effect of: That baby is the grandson of a mill worker.

It still makes me smile.

PsycGirl September 21, 2009 at 11:57 am

He probably promises that to all of his mistresses.

sfstewart September 21, 2009 at 11:58 am

This guy has Summers Eve written all over him.

spalding September 21, 2009 at 11:59 am

wow what a douche…. I wonder what the little kid WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM is going to think when she googles this in 10 years.

Eric Cheney September 21, 2009 at 11:59 am

“marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band”

Yeah, that’s a line I use often. Except I use my best Barry White voice and claim I will fly in naked on one of the Jonas Brothers.

WadISay September 21, 2009 at 11:59 am

[re=415224]Bruno[/re]: Dave Matthews knows You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings.

Dave J. September 21, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Can someone please tell me how to pronounce that woman’s name? Rielle? Is that pronounced Wry-lee, or Ree-elle? I have no idea.

But, seriously, Dave Matthews? That’s very 1997 of you, John. I think Jack Johnson would be the modern equivalent.

Jim Demintia September 21, 2009 at 12:04 pm

Just imagine how beautiful that ceremony would have been: flowers, sunset over the Manhattan skyline, the sweet strains of “Crash into Me” as a few hundred frat boys get in touch with their sensitive sides by drunkenly weeping while thinking about the good times they’ve had with cheap beer and roofies… I’m sorry, was I talking?

I guess all I meant to say was that I would totally have that man’s bastard.

Snarkalicious September 21, 2009 at 12:04 pm

Gingrich/Edwards ’12!

V572625694 September 21, 2009 at 12:04 pm

[re=415221]WadISay[/re]: Andrew Young is a rat bastard too, when you think about it. “Oh John, I love ya, I’ll work for ya, only you can save Amurrica….what, campaign over? Okay, it’s tell-all ka-ching time!”

[re=415212]JoeMac[/re]: Agreed that EE is charming and intelligent. But her “don’t-mention-Lisa-Druck-in-my-presence” book tour (and the media’s acquiescence in it) dampened my ardor.

However, Edwards himself is way worse.

Way Cool Larry September 21, 2009 at 12:05 pm

what do you expect from a medical malpractice lawyer?

watershed September 21, 2009 at 12:06 pm

If you’re from North Carolina, and you’re an asshole, you are practically REQUIRED to listen to Dave Matthews. It’s like a law there.

Way Cool Larry September 21, 2009 at 12:06 pm

Hey, off topic, but is Heidi Noonan related to Peggers or not?
http://www.newser.com/story/69834/fox-producer-caught-stoking-protest-crowd.html

prizepig September 21, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Aw John. New York rooftop wedding with Dave Matthews? That’s no way for a southern boy to act. Give that lady a proper church wedding. Emceed by Larry the Cable Guy.

Git ‘er done!!

Jollity September 21, 2009 at 12:08 pm

[re=415204]Serolf Divad[/re]: I like to think Springsteen would have baulked at something with this thin coat of sleaze all over it. But obviously, I have no idea. But I like to think he would turn it down. Also, perhaps Ms. Hunter is a big fan of the Dave Matthews Band.

My great grandmother had her three children with a married man, and married him after his wife died. Although there’s no record of how horrible he was about his wife behind her back, so far as I know. Plus, he wasn’t a politician anyway, he ran a shop, so few people would have cared. With all the publicity these things get, and how much easier it is to acquire information about scandals, you’d think a politician might think before attempting an illicit affair. No matter what the romance novels say, one is actually able to control these things, unless one has a psychiatric disorder.

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 21, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Shitsack [shitsak] noun Vulgar

noun

1. Slang. a selfish, mean, or otherwise contemptible person

2. Slang. something or someone inferior or worthless

See also Edwards, John

S.Luggo September 21, 2009 at 12:09 pm

“JOHN EDWARDS WANTED HIS WIFE TO DIE CONSTANTLY”

How does one die constantly?
Attend a Celeste Dione concert, which is followed by endless encores? Just asking.

Buzz Feedback September 21, 2009 at 12:10 pm

The world needs more millworkers.

WadISay September 21, 2009 at 12:11 pm

[re=415235]V572625694[/re]: I sort of assume that the dedication page of Young’s book will be something like, Here’s to me, never applying for the position of “trusted aide” again.

magic titty September 21, 2009 at 12:12 pm

[re=415232]Dave J.[/re]: It’s pronounced “kray-zee blahnnd lay-dee”.

People who like Dave Matthews Band deserve everything bad that happens to them.

Capitol Hillbilly September 21, 2009 at 12:13 pm

What, Hootie and the Blowfish were already booked?

Fighting Bill September 21, 2009 at 12:13 pm

What–you mean poverty wasn’t the cause of his life after all? Who knew.

as.the.world.burns September 21, 2009 at 12:14 pm

[re=415232]Dave J.[/re]: “WHORE”

Judas Peckerwood September 21, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Hmmmm…suggesting a wedding featuring the Dave Matthews Band. I’m going to have to remember THAT breakup strategy.

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2009 at 12:18 pm

[re=415248]magic titty[/re]: [re=415232]Dave J.[/re]: Actually, the correct pronunciation is “Lisa Jo Druck.”

Way Cool Larry September 21, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Prommie September 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm

I woulda thought he was more a Hootie and the Blowfish man. But Rielle, yup, Dave Mathews all the way, I bet she still has the flame dancer bumper sticker on her Saab.

the problem child September 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm

[re=415232]Dave J.[/re]: Ree-ELLE. Probably. Depends on how trashy she’s feeling.

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm

Wait… Dave Matthews? I would’ve figured Edwards for a John Tesh man.

V572625694 September 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm

[re=415238]Way Cool Larry[/re]: Don’t know if she’s related, but if you google her and follow the links, weird shit happens.

Way Cool Larry September 21, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Prommie September 21, 2009 at 12:25 pm

[re=415249]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Oh damn, you beat me to it, you just know the Dolphins make John cry.

Dashboard_Buddha September 21, 2009 at 12:25 pm

[re=415245]S.Luggo[/re]: You heart will NOT go on.

Guppy06 September 21, 2009 at 12:25 pm

[re=415256]Way Cool Larry[/re]: Did I really need the visual of John Edwards using a cock ring?

V572625694 September 21, 2009 at 12:26 pm

[re=415261]Way Cool Larry[/re]: He thinks he’s “or what.” But he’s as gay as gay can be. Speaking of which, wouldn’t a tape of Carrie Prejean engaging in non-opposite sex with, say, Megan Fox be unbelievably hot?

germansteel September 21, 2009 at 12:27 pm

Who knew that when he talked about two America’s, he meant that one of them was inhabited by all the rest of us and the other by just him?

I-man September 21, 2009 at 12:27 pm

This guy is an incredible douchebag. I love this country though, how is not paying hush money through a third party supporter of yours to your mistress not be anything but a federally prosecutable crime?

JSDC007 September 21, 2009 at 12:27 pm

And then like Henry VIII did with Anne Boleyn, John Edwards will lop Rielle’s head off.

But some day her bastard child will rule North Carolina.

norbizness September 21, 2009 at 12:27 pm

Now all he can afford is getting married in a grain solo and being serenaded by .38 Special.

MBritt September 21, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Rielle Hunter, in that much-publicized picture of her in hideous silk blouse and beads, looks like Patricia Cornwell but less attractive. I had no idea her real name was Lisa Jo Druck. She’s a videographer not a movie star. And she has been involved in horse murders!!! Having an affair with a married man, I can forgive. Murdering racehorses for insurance money…that I will not abide.

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/gallery/rielle-hunter/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rielle_Hunter#Horse_murders_and_Henry_the_Hawk

Rev. Peter Lemonjello September 21, 2009 at 12:29 pm

Big deal. I’m pretty sure he promised Lindsey Graham a back door ceremony at the Charlotte Eagle, with music provided by the Scissor Sisters.

Terry September 21, 2009 at 12:29 pm

[re=415204]Serolf Divad[/re]:

…and as much as I love The Boss, he does know a think or two about stepping out on one’s wife.

Gorillionaire September 21, 2009 at 12:30 pm

[re=415261]Way Cool Larry[/re]: I saw that and had the same reaction. I love that his shirt says “any questions?” Yeah, pal, here’s one – Lafayette wants to know when you want to smoke his beef.

Prommie September 21, 2009 at 12:32 pm

[re=415270]I-man[/re]: No, no, I must advise you, you are free in this great country of ours to pay people to say things that are not true, for the purpose of creating a false impression about you. Or your product, in which case its called advertising. If it were illegal, he would not have done it, in which case we would not be able to enjoy this creamy smooth, oozing, luscious scandal.

PrairiePossum September 21, 2009 at 12:32 pm

And to save money on Elizabeth’s funeral, he could have dumped her body in the Hudson on the way to his baby mamma’s wedding.

Way to stay classy, Johnny.

katrina September 21, 2009 at 12:39 pm

Long live Elizabeth Edwards.

Prommie September 21, 2009 at 12:41 pm

[re=415280]katrina[/re]: Living well is the best revenge.

groove September 21, 2009 at 1:01 pm

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. What a douche.

groove September 21, 2009 at 1:03 pm

Rush Limbaug: “…and this socialist half-breed muslin is going to-”

Kanye West: “I like where you’re going, and I’m gonna let you finish, but John Edwards is the biggest douche of all time. Of all time!

AnnieGetYourFun September 21, 2009 at 1:04 pm

John Edwards is not a very nice man. There, I said it.

RoscoePColtraine September 21, 2009 at 1:05 pm

This is the type of story that makes Elizabeth vomit.

Capitol Hillbilly September 21, 2009 at 1:07 pm

[re=415280]katrina[/re]: Right on.

Speaking of rooftop concerts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nT6325bmcsQ

DemmeFatale September 21, 2009 at 1:13 pm

Phew!!! Dodged a bullet on that one!

TGY September 21, 2009 at 1:32 pm

[re=415355]DemmeFatale[/re]: Yeah, it’s like you’re on a train and you look out the window to the left and see a parallel track with two trains colliding head-on. There but for the grace of the switch-man…

populucious September 21, 2009 at 1:35 pm

Dave Matthews Band is busy that day, and all the days after. Thxskby!

Canuckledragger September 21, 2009 at 2:06 pm

For the son of a mill worker, JohnBoy’s sure laid a lot of pipe. Mix up @ vocational school?

I thought he was a lawyer…. turns out he’s just a lay-er. Common mistake…. either way, somebody always gets fucked.

AlexisHidell September 21, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Everyone involved in this is story is an equal-opportunity douche. Rielle Druck for being a whore to begin with and a whore to end with (the article mentions that she noticeably tilted the kid’s head toward the cameras on a recent trip to the courthouse); Young for going along with it and then cashing in when the gravy train ran dry; John for, well, EVERYTHING; and, sadly, Elizabeth for not growing a set of balls and kicking that POS to the curb on the national teevee. Stand by your man, my ass.

chascates September 21, 2009 at 2:47 pm

I can see the appeal of Chris Matthews. From his interview on CNN:

Matthews: “I want to figure out a way to not be stupid with money, then make a whole bunch of it, then I want to move to Outer Mongolia. I want to milk a yak. Maybe I’ll just settle for a cow. Can you milk a bison? I have fantasies about being a farmer. I always wanted to be a fireman, but who didn’t want to be a fireman? I just wouldn’t tell anyone. I’d just go “poof!” Sometimes I like that idea.”

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